A Nearly Full Moon

Sirius lurked behind a drapery in a dark corner of the Great Hall. He could see his friends mingling with the crowd of Hogwarts students, enjoying the energetic Valentine's Day party. His friends had pulled him down to the event, but even with their combined efforts, couldn't budge him from his corner. Normally he would be with them, but tonight he was remembering another party, exactly one year ago.

Marlene had batted her dark chocolate eyes coyly at him until his defenses melted and he agreed to take her to the ball. They had spent that night, and a few more, wrapped in each others' arms. Then she had seen him kissing that seventh year girl in the library, and now she was dead. Funny how things worked out…he had carelessly dismissed her when she was alive, and now she was completely gone.

The Great Hall was decorated lavishly, though not in the traditionally cliché Valentine's style. The lighting was dim, with bursts of color coming from the special effects of the performing band. It appeared to be more a party held on Valentine's Day, then a Valentine's Day party.

Before Sirius could ponder this difference any longer, he felt a hand take his; it was Lily.

"C'mon," she said softly. "Let's dance." She smiled invitingly, her big green eyes searching his face.

He sighed and ran a hand through his thick black hair. Lily pulled lightly on his arm and began to lead him through the crowd. The band began to play a slow song as they joined the other dancing couples and Lily took advantage of the quieter music and less frenzied dancing to talk.

"The music's good, isn't it?" she asked. He nodded absently. "It was a lot of work to put this together, but it's worth it. Dumbledore agreed that it would be good to have a night to just forget about everything and let go."

Sirius nodded again, staring at a spot somewhere over Lily's left shoulder.

"You know, Sirius, it's okay to miss Marlene. Just remember that it's okay to have fun too. The world is gloomy enough for as it is; it's up to us to brighten it."

He looked down at her, a little fountain of wisdom in a tight black dress. "Aren't we reversing our roles here, Lils? With you counseling me?"

Lily smiled, her worried face relaxing into a pleased expression. She stopped dancing and hugged him tightly. "All for one, and one for all, Sirius."

James felt slightly guilty for interrupting what appeared to be a close moment between Lily and Sirius, but he quickly shoved the feeling aside.

"My turn," he said, tapping Sirius on the shoulder. Sirius stepped back quickly, loosening himself from Lily's arms.

"Later, Lily," he said as he began to walk away. Lily lifted her chin in response before turning to James.

"We were talking," she informed him, scowling.

James shrugged and pulled Lily into his arms.

"You can't just do that! Sirius is taking Marlene's death harder than anyone, and we were finally discussing it and you just cut in!" She held her body stiff in his grasp.

"Lily, he'll be okay. Nothing gets him down for long." Lily continued to frown. "I promise I'll talk to him later, so we know he's fine."

Lily sighed and relaxed into the music. Her body felt soft and warm against his own, her cheek resting lightly on his dark green sweater. It was rare that James got to hold her, but he never forgot how good it felt.

When the song ended and band struck up a faster beat James took Lily's hand.

"Where are we going?" Lily asked as they wound through the throng of students.

James didn't answer as he led her to the giant doors that led to the grounds. The February air was chilly against his face and he knew that Lily would be even colder in her dress. She didn't appear to notice the cold, however, as they walked slowly away from the castle.

"Here we are again," Lily murmured suddenly as they neared the rippling black lake. "You cut in; we dance; we walk outside."

"Some things never change," he commented, suddenly wanting to run his fingers through her soft red hair. The nearly full moon cast its rays across her pale skin, and he thought she had never looked so beautiful.

"What does that mean? That we're destined to repeat ourselves?" she asked, her eyes flashing. "There are some things in life I don't want to repeat."

James stopped walking and turned to face her. She looked up at him, her eyes sheltered, yet oddly pleading.

"No," he whispered. "It means that some things are meant to be." His heart thudded heavily as he watched the troubled expression of the only girl he had ever loved.

Lily's eyes softened, the anger replaced with sadness. They stood close, nearly body to body, but not quite touching. Tentatively, James ran a hand across the soft skin of her cheek. Lily raised her hand to catch his, and they remained like that, her hand cradling his hand cradling her face.

The crisp night air was fraught with uncertainty and James thought he might die if he couldn't kiss her. Still, as much as he wanted to, he knew he couldn't for fear of losing Lily completely. Like a skittish fawn, Lily stared up at him.

Abruptly the long moment ended. "I'm cold," she said, turning towards the castle. She strode as quickly as she could in her delicate shoes, her dress rustling as she moved. James followed, his long legs allowing him to easily keep up.

As they entered the great stone castle James caught Lily's arm. "We threw a great party."

Lily's lips turned up slightly. "We did, didn't we?" She began to skirt her way around the edges of the room.

"Where are you going?" he asked. This time, it was Lily who didn't answer as she almost fled the Great Hall and the continuing Valentine's party that she had helped to create.

Once in the Head's quarters, Lily changed into her pajamas and made a cup of hot chocolate. By now she knew how to conjure the drink by magic, but making it in the traditional Muggle way soothed her. She sat by the blazing fire in the common area, still shivering from the cold winter night.

The hot liquid burned as it slid down into her stomach, easing her chills, but still she trembled. Letting out a slow, quivering breath, she curled up until her head was resting on her bent knees. Tonight she had almost risked everything and the intensity of her emotions frightened her.

How could she have let herself want James? When he caressed her face, gently as if he were afraid she'd run, her knees had nearly given out. She wanted him to touch her, to hold her, to kiss her.

She still loved him.

As stark realization hit, Lily began to cry. She had run so fast, pushed him away so far, only to find that he was still the one she wanted.

What was she going to do? She had prided herself in her ability to recover from hard times, though admittedly not alone, but she never thought she would fall back into what had started it all. She couldn't let herself love him. She leaned too heavily on her addictions, and when they gave way, she inevitably fell hard. An addiction, that's what James was. Just like alcohol, partying, and all the other crutches she had utilized in the past.

The gamut of emotions stormed through her body; the wanting, the fear, the regret. Why did she love him? Why not Sirius? Or Remus?

Lily could feel her nose growing red and her eyes swelling as she wiped the hot tears away with her blue flannel pajama sleeve.

As she lay on a couch in the Gryffindor Common Room, studying her Transfiguration text, James pounced on the unsuspecting Lily. She attempted to hit him with her book, but he easily tossed it aside. A massive tickling war erupted until they were both shaking with laughter. Though Lily knew others were watching in avid interest, she remained unconcerned about the display they were surely putting on. It felt so good to be with James…

"Lily?" Lily jumped out of her reverie to see James in the flesh, standing at the door to the Heads' Common Room. "What's wrong?"

Lily jumped up, nearly spilling her mug of hot chocolate which was sitting on the floor beside her.

"Nothing, nothing," she babbled. "I…I must be getting a cold." As she hastily smoothed the wrinkles out of her pajamas, James watched her with unbelieving eyes.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine!" she snapped, flustered. He looked so calm and sure of himself, standing there in his soft green sweater and khaki pants. His dark hair was rumpled as always and his brown eyes were following her every move.

"Lily, tell me what's wrong," he said softly, cajolingly. As she went to dispose of the remainder of her drink he stepped closer to her.

"No, I can't! I mean – I'm fine." For a moment she froze, her eyes pleading with him to understand. Then she turned and walked slowly to her room, leaving James staring after her, his face wrought with confusion.

The next day was Sunday, which meant that Lily had an entire day with nothing to do. She would have welcomed classes and Order training to keep her mind off her own troubled thoughts.

Looking for distraction, she wandered down to the Gryffindor Common Room. In the round, cozy room Emmeline and Alice sat with Remus discussing the previous night's activities. Remus looked wan, a sign of the imminent full moon.

"I only wish Frank had been there," Alice said wistfully. "It was such a great night."

"I'm sure he could have come," Lily commented as she joined them. "Did you think of inviting him?"

"He was on Auror duty," Alice sighed. "I worry about him out there, facing Voldemort and his Death Eaters." She unconsciously kneaded her plump hands together.

"Frank's a great wizard, Alice," Emmeline assured her. "You know that."

"Of course I know that!" Alice replied defensively. "I can still worry about my boyfriend, can't I?"

"Of course you can," Lily agreed. "But let's not dwell on Voldemort. What else is new?"

"Well, Remus is looking ill," Alice answered, peering at him carefully.

"Thanks," Remus said wryly, sinking deeper into his plush lounge chair.

"I've heard the flu is going around," Lily jumped in. "And I think I'm getting a cold. Maybe you caught it from me."

Remus smiled a quick, grateful smile at her. "Yeah, that's probably it. My head's been pretty stuffy lately."

"You should go to Pomfrey," Alice suggested. "Get a Pepper-Up potion or something."

"Maybe I will."

"So we've touched on absent boyfriends, Voldemort, and Remus' cold. What a chipper bunch we are," Lily said sarcastically, readjusting her position on the couch.

Alice scowled at her. "You have something better to talk about?"

Lily shook her head. She wasn't telling anyone what last night had brought for her. The four of them fell into a gloomy silence.

"My, what fun you appear to be having," a sardonic voice observed from above them. Lily looked up to see James standing there, his eyes focused squarely on her. She gulped as she saw the unasked questions in his gaze.

"I gotta go," she said, jumping up from the couch. "I have to…do something."

"What did you do to her?" she heard Alice asking James as she left the common room.

"That's what I'd like to know," James replied, and then the rest of the conversation was illegible as the fat lady's portrait swung shut behind Lily.

She had to figure out what she was going to do. Leaving the room every time James entered wasn't plausible, considering they were Heads, members of the Order, in the same classes, and most importantly – friends, or supposedly. Where did James get off, making her feel so confused all of the time?

He probably took joy in knowing he muddled her thoughts and left her a massive knot of emotions.

No, a little voice whispered in her head. That was the old James. He's changed, just like you have.

Lily sighed as she made her way to the library. If nothing else, perhaps she could study. Studying never hurt – and it rarely made her think of a certain James Potter.

Hey everyone! I'm sure you thought I had died, or had given up on updating. Far from it – I am still going to finish this story, but I had to take a summer break. I moved away from home and had little computer/internet access. I hope to return to a schedule similar to my previous updates. Keep watching! Please, send me a review and let me know what you think. Until next time - Rochelle