Part 34

Cal slapped the laptop shut with a flourish of triumph. After Gillian left, he'd taken the new pain pills the doctor had switched him to after he'd complained about how loopy the old ones made him feel. And they were doing a darn good job. The throbbing in his ankle had decreased to a tolerable ache, his back felt loose for the first time in days, yet his mind was still relatively clear. He'd used the respite from pain to attempt to ease Gillian's workload. She'd conveniently left his laptop and it took him no time to log into their network. Once in, he quickly found the billing program and set to work. Less than an hour later, he'd finished the billing statements, sending them to be printed and mailed. See, I can be useful, he patted himself on the back.

Just as he was thinking of taking the long trek into the kitchen for a celebratory libation, he heard the front door open.

"Just me, Dad," came the call from the entry way.

"Hey, Em," he greeted.

"And me," Zoe entered, pulling off her coat and scarf.

Another day, he might have been flustered by her sudden presence, but with the drugs in his system and his latest, although minor, triumph, he felt amazingly mellow.

"Hi, Zoe," he leaned back into the couch, reaching up to accept Emily's greeting hug and kiss.

"You're looking better than the last time I saw you." Zoe remarked. "I don't think I've ever seen you that skinny before, though."

"Yeah, so everyone tells me," he groused. "Are you here to drop Em off or just to harass me for awhile?"

"Where's your princess?" Zoe made an obvious scan of the room. "Or is there trouble in paradise already?"

"Mom…" Emily warned.

Cal let himself slide further down into the sofa's cushions. "Pull the claws in, Zoe," he answered mildly. "Not that its any of your business, but I sent Gillian home for some rest and relaxation. She needed a break."

She flipped her hair away from her face. "So you're all alone tonight?"

"I was until my favorite daughter showed up."

"Well, I could keep you company for awhile."

He smiled, enjoying her confusion at his lack of reaction. "Naw, we'd just end up in a fight. We always do."

"Not always."

He recognized the gleam in her eye and for the first time wanted no part of it. "Em, why don't you go upstairs and finish your homework? Your mom and I need to settle some things."

"Dad…" Emily stared at him beseechingly.

He knew what she was afraid of so he turned and let the masks fall away, hoping what she would find there would reassure her.

It seemed to. After a long moment of indecision, she nodded and headed up the stairs.

Swiveling back to face Zoe, he just looked at her for a moment. Seeing both the woman he'd once loved and the ex-wife who seemed to love to torment him. Tonight was a turning point, it had to be. He couldn't begin a new relationship with Gillian still bound to the old one with unreconciled feeling and regrets.

"Why do you keep doing this, Zoe? You've said you hate me, so why do you keep coming back?"

He could tell she was unprepared for the direct question. She drew in a deep breath, puffing herself up, then let it out in a deep sigh, totally deflating. "I don't know. It's…easy…I hoped…I don't know."

"You're the one who left. Said you couldn't take it any more. But every time you break up with the current man in your life, there you are back on my doorstep."

Defensiveness took over her features. "And you've never turned me away."

"Before I always thought…hoped…that we could turn things around. Maybe figure out how to make a go of it. But that's never going to happen, is it? You're you and I'm me and we're not going to miraculously change. We just don't fit together."

She gave a huff of bitter laughter. "Emily says we're toxic."

He returned her smile. "When your own daughter doesn't want you to get back together, that ought to tell you something."

"We were so good together at first. What happened? How did we end up here?" she pleaded.

"I don't know. We grew up? Got consumed by our jobs? Doesn't really matter now, does it? We're done, Zoe. It was exciting at first, but excitement doesn't last. And we had nothing else."

"It was you and your damned research. Reading expressions…"

He felt the first stirrings of anger. "You can't lay it all on me, darling. Not this time. I'll take my share of the blame but not all of it. And we both know if you were wearing a thong, I wouldn't have been staring at your eyebrows."

She drew a breath to protest, then let it out with a weak laugh. "No, I guess not. The bedroom was the one place we never had any problems."

"But a great sex life doesn't mean a great marriage," he agreed sadly.

"You're just doing this because you want to get into sweet Gillian's pants." She went on the attack.

He took a deep breath to cool his anger. They'd always used anger, when things got too close, too uncomfortable. He didn't want to fall back into those old patterns, didn't want to bring them to his new fragile relationship with Gill. "I love her," he responded simply. "And I don't want old baggage between you and I to mess up what Gill and I could have together."

"So you finally admit it?" she asked with a touch of wonder.

"I love her," he shrugged, never at ease with these kind of confessions. "I never cheated on you, Zoe, but I've loved her for a long time. I'm sorry." For the first time he wondered how much he'd used Zoe as a shield against what he felt for Gillian. Maintained the fiction of a committed marriage, so he wouldn't have to face his possibly unrequited love.

She gave a snort. "So I was playing a game I couldn't win, all that time?"

"It's never been a game, not for me. You're the one who seems obsessed with who wins and who loses. With points scored."

She blinked at him as he watched the realization cross her face. "I guess that's part of being a good trial lawyer. Scoring each point with the jury and winning at all costs."

"Put away your score pad, darling. We both came out of our marriage losers. Even if I'd never met Gillian, you know we never could have lasted. No matter how much either of us wanted it. We just weren't right for each other."

"My mother told me you were the wrong man for me," she answered with a self-depreciating grin. "Part of the reason I married you was because she was so much against it. Maybe I should have listened to her."

"Mums get it right sometimes."

"Yeah, I guess they do."

"Now we have to really end it. You walked away once, Zoe. Now do it for good. Cut the strings. I won't be your puppet any more."

Getting up silently, she approached the fireplace mantel, decorated mostly of pictures of Emily. "You're right. I know you're right. But you've always been my safe spot when everything else is getting crazy. Familiar. I knew where I stood with you."

"How to make me crazy?" he asked in a light tone.

She shot him a grin over her shoulder. "Yeah, that too. It is a bit of a rush to have a little bit of power over someone like you. So confident…arrogant. Maybe that's part of why I keep coming back. Assure myself I still have some power over my life."

"You're a powerful woman, Zoe. All on your own. You don't need me to prove that."

"It's hard to let go, though."

He sighed, "I know."

"But I think you're right. We need to let go. I need to let go. For both of us. And Emily."

He nodded. "She loves us both, but hates it when we're together. Our little holiday get-togethers make her anxious for weeks."

"'Cause they always end up in a fight?"

"Yeah." Sadness tightened his chest. Not the fury and fear he'd felt when she'd walked out the door years ago. Just gentle sadness for a relationship that could never have worked. "We don't need to fight any more, darling. We've done okay just being Emily's parents."

"She's a really good kid."

"She is. The best. The one thing we got right."

"Okay, Cal. You're right. It should have been over when we signed the divorce papers. We both need to move forward with our lives."

"Thank you."

She gathered up her coat. "Don't thank me. It's just the way its got to be, isn't it?"

"I think so."

Leaning over, she kissed him softly on the forehead. "Maybe it'll be easier to remember the good times, when we're not making more bad memories all the time."

"Take care, luv."

She turned as she was headed for the door. "You, too. And listen to what Gillian has to say, don't just interpret the expressions on her face."

With that she was gone, leaving Cal with a strange mixture of sadness, relief and satisfaction.

Author's note: Wow, only three reviews the last part. Either everyone's busy, the story's getting boring or I went seriously off track somewhere. I'm not fishing for reviews (well, maybe just a little bit :-)), but if I did go off track, I'm not adverse to constructive criticism. If I'm going wrong or can do better, I'd love to know. Improvement is my goal. And a big thanks to everyone who has reviewed my story.