Chapter 36: Expert at Pretending
Two weeks Earlier:
"Dolores, may I have a minute?"
Dolores Umbridge looked up from her latest article on properly educating young minds for the daily prophet, and smiled warmly at the red headed young man standing at her door way. "Of course Percival, of course! My door is always open to my younger colleagues."
Percy stepped into the office, taking a moment to look around. There were several honorary degrees on the walls, multiple pictures of magazine and newspaper covers with Umbridge or one of her latest books on parenting or education displayed, and a variety of cutesy motivational posters, including one of a kitten with glasses in front of a large book with the caption "Reading is Purrfect!"
"Dolores, I've been in and out of Hogwarts for the past few weeks, helping with the Triwizard Tournament, and I've come to you for some advice on some things I've seen there."
At the mention of Hogwarts and advice, Umbridge puffed herself up, smoothing her floral pattern robes and smiling so that her dimples showed. "Why, I suppose if it's an educational matter, that might be something I can help you with! I'm a bit of an expert, you know."
"Well, being the Special Undersecretary for the Mundane and Magical Education of Young Minds I thought you'd be the best one to talk to," Percy said.
"Well, there is a bit of a difference in overseeing the homeschooling or schooling in the muggle world of young minds and educating those of an age for magic and Hogwarts, but I'll try to keep up," Umbridge chuckled, smiling and nodding to a bookshelf in the corner of the room, where her latest book was displayed. "Eight Things Good Mothers Do" was a bestseller and has been featured in Witch Weekly.
"Well, it's actually more about the staff than the students," Percy admitted.
Umbridge nodded seriously, then leaned forward conspiratorially. "Well, just between you and me, my next book is titled 'The Magic of Teaching' and is a guide to being a more effective educator, complete with several guides to classroom management and student engagement."
"Oh good," Percy said, looking relieved. "You see, I've started to notice that some of the staff really are not treating some students fairly, and that several seem to have quite the addiction to calming draughts and alcohol."
"They what? What makes you think that?"
As Dolores listened with mounting horror to Percy's tale, her mouth gaped wider and wider until she looked like a pink, frilly toad. "My goodness Percival, that's...that's horrible! I'll need to speak to the Minister at once! The future of our children is at stake?"
"Oh, I didn't know you had a student at Hogwarts, Dolores," Percy said standing as Dolores furiously began to compose a memo.
"Oh, I don't have children of my own of course. It would be a great waste of my time and talent to need to put it all into just one or two children. No, no, my calling is to be an expert and a resource on education and children for all of magical britain."
"Where did you teach at, then, to acquire all your experience?"
"Oh, I never taught, I just have my honorary degrees and saw what others were doing wrong. I'm very good at that you know. Don't fear, Percival, this will all be taken care of. It sounds like Hogwarts is in need of the Umbridge touch."
Feeling mollified, Percy thanked Umbridge and left the storm that was now brewing in her office.
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The end of term had once more arrived at Hogwarts. With the Weasleys all away and the dragons gone (much to the sorrow of Hagrid and no one else) the final exams and awarding of the House Cup was mercifully quiet and smooth. McGonagall and the other professors were even feeling so good, they went without calming draughts.
Once the students were all gone, the Professors assembled for their last staff meeting before the holidays. Everyone was laughing and eating snacks and drinking tea and butterbeer, ready to rest and relax over their holidays. Just as the party was really getting going, Dumbledore strode in, his face grim. The professors quieted down, worried about what the headmaster had to say.
"Professor Dumbledore sir, it's not the Dark Lord is it?" Hagrid asked, looking concerned.
"No, Hagrid, it is far worse than that," Dumbledore declared. "Lately, I am less and less certain that Voldemort is even really a threat anymore."
"Oh Merlin, what did the Weasley's do now?" McGonagall groaned.
"I am afraid this is far more disastrous than any havok the Weasleys could ever wreck, Minerva," Dumbledore said gently. He looked around the staff room, his face solemn. When he spoke, it was with a tired tone that showed his advanced age. "Everyone, the ministry has heard of the...difficulties...that our school has had with staff. Students in danger or mistreated by professors, staff with substance abuse problems, and racist attitudes encouraged on our campus."
There were murmurs of concern, and Professor Sprout stood, looking very worried. "Headmaster, they're not forcing you to retire, are they?"
"The Board of Governors is still reviewing my status," Dumbledore answered. "But, I must warn you, next year possibly the most dangerous and evil thing in education will descend upon this school."
"More Weasleys?" McGonagall asked, sounding faint.
"Death Eaters?" Snape demanded.
Hagrid looked sick. "They're not...they're not sending back them dementors, are they?"
"No." Dumbledore began to pass out copies of a book with a smiling, grandmotherly witch in pink on it before of a blackboard, with the title written in white calk.
"The Magic of Teaching?" Professor Flitwick asked. "Why, this is by that idiot Umbridge. She hasn't the first clue when it comes to children or education. She's got all those awful books on parenting and teaching despite having no children of her own or ever spending a single moment in the classroom."
"I urge you not to speak ill of your coworkers in front of the group, Fillius. Some would construe that as unprofessional conduct," Dumbledore said.
Silence descended on the room like a choking fog. Several Professors felt their chests tighten, and their breath come faster and thinner. Dumbledore pulled an old pocket watch from his robe and glanced at it, then sat at the head of the staff table and folded his hands. "Take a moment to collect yourselves, and prepare to put a brave face on things."
"That old bitch Umbridge is coming here?" Moody (who was, in fact, not Sirius) demanded in a loud tone.
"Hem, hem, hem," a voice said from the hallway, and the door opened once more to admit a smiling Dolores Umbridge. "Surely you wouldn't talk about a fellow staff member with such language, Professor Moody."
"Albus, you're not serious, are you?" Moody growled. "What the bloody hell is she even going to do? You've already got all the positions covered for next year. One thing this school doesn't need is some bureaucratic busy body sticking their nose everywhere."
"Hem, hem, hem," Umbridge coughed, giving Dumbledore a meaningful look.
Dumbledore sighed and shook his head. "Alastor, that kind of tone and language is not conducive to the inclusive and cooperative environment that Hogwarts will seek to foster in the future." Dumbledore said this in a tone of someone who was repeating something they didn't believe, but had memorized and were regurgitating regardless.
"What the bloody hell kind of niffler dung are you spouting?" Moody demanded. "Inclusive and cooperative? This is a school for Magic!" Moody slammed his cane onto the ground, causing Umbridge to flinch. "We need CONSTANT VIGILANCE! We're not a bloody day care!"
Dumbledore shook his head and started to speak, but a "hem, hem, hem," interrupted him.
"Do you have something to say, Resource Development Coordinator Umbridge?" Dumbledore said in a tired voice.
Umbridge stood, beaming at all the staff, save for Moody, who she managed a smile. "I'm so very pleased to be here. I see that you've all received a copy of my latest book, The Magic of Teaching. This summer, we're going to be conducting a group book study where we all need to write weekly reflections, which will be submitted to me and shared out amongst the staff so we can all reflect upon our professional practices-"
"As if you've spent any time being anything other than a professional know-it-all," Moody grumbled, loud enough that everyone clearly heard him.
Umbridge, however, kept right on going. "-and work to further develop our skills that we might better serve our students and foster a sense of collaboration and community amongst the staff. You are all required to participate, and please note that you will be evaluated in the coming years upon your ability to enact the eight pillars of education laid out in the book in your own classrooms and professional behavior. Failure to do so will result in you being placed on a Professional Develop Personal Improvement Plan, where the Headmaster, myself, and the professor in question will all work to improve their professional practice to acceptable level. Some of us, however, my need to begin our PDPIP sooner than others."
Moody picked up the book, flipped through it, then blasted it into the nearest bin with his wand. "Right, so, you mean me, don't you?"
"Well, if you wish to volunteer, Professor Moody, I'm certain we could look at the Staff Community Expectations in chapter 5 together and all create an outline to help you improve your interpersonal communication skills," Umbridge said sweetly.
"I have another idea," Moody said. "How about you piss off."
Umbridge continued to smile, though the corner of her left eye twitching slightly. "Professor Moody, I believe you will need to stay after the meeting so that we can begin work on your PDPIP with the Headmaster and myself so that you will be ready to begin at the start of the next term."
Moody slammed his hand down on the table, then stood. "Right, I've had just about enough of this nonsense. I was considering staying on for next year, but right now that sounds about as enticing as putting my balls in a vice and letting you crank away. So instead, I'll leave, and you can kindly go bugger yourself."
Umbridge squawked and started to protest, but Moody was out of the room before she could do more than sputter.
Dumbledore sighed heavily. "Well, I suppose I'll need to find yet another new defense professor now. They are getting a bit thin on the ground."
"Oh, no need, no need, Headmaster," Umbridge said, trying to regain her pep and cheer. "I'll take over the position myself. After all, it seems the changes we've begun to implement at my suggestion are responsible for the void in your staffing, and it's only right that I help fill that hole."
"Are you even qualified?" Snape sneered. "I thought you were some sort of staff training expert."
"Well," Umbridge said, drawing herself up and puffing up like a pick loofa. "I happen to be a member of the Dark Force Defense League thanks to my books 'Defeating the Monsters Under Your Child's Bed' and 'Dark Magic and Education: What is your Child REALLY Learning?' So I think I would be an improvement over a fraud like Gilderoy Lockhart. Not that I blame the school, of course, we were all quite taken in."
"I do so look forward to seeing you defeat a 60 foot basilisk then," Snape drawled.
Umbridge went very paled, but soon recovered and was all smiles once more. "Now, I'm certain you're all aware of the substance abuse problem that has been plaguing this school, and I know you'll all be excited to start the 12 Step Alcoholics Anonymous program with me starting in two weeks time."
There was an audible groan from the staff, and several mutters about "never surviving the Weasleys sane."
Dumbledore cleared his throat, interrupting the chatter. "While madam Umbridge and I are still working out the details of many of her various...suggestions… about changes to be made at this school, there is one thing we are both in agreement on: the abuse of potions and alcohol by the staff must come to a sharp and immediate conclusion. I am also in agreement on her plans for staff sensitivity training when it comes to the treatment of students. Would you care to explain, Ms. Umbridge?"
"Of course, of course!" Umbridge reached into her bag and pulled out several colorful posters that had smiling animals on them, which she levitated in the air. THen she pulled out four sock puppets: A lion, a snake, a gryffon, and a badger. Umbridge put on the lion puppet, and grinned at the professors who all had on expressions of pure disbelief. "Hello everyone," Umbridge said in a voice that was a bit raspy and entirely too jovial to be addressing adults with, "I'm Godric the Lion, and I'm here with my friends to talk to you about the Four Pillars of Character! Respect, Fairness, Responsibility, and Caring! As a lion, I always respect-"
"Is she serious about this?" Pomfrey whispered to McGonagall.
McGonagall shrugged, and took a pull from her flask. "I don't know, but there is no way I'm getting through this meeting sober."
While her actions earned McGonagall a glare from the headmaster, she was not the only one taking precautionary measures as Umbridge trotted out each of the puppets and put on a show that was far better suited to four year olds (and even they would have quickly gotten bored) then a room full of professors with decades of experience. Only Hagrid seemed to be enjoying himself, responding to the puppets and chuckling about "'ow cute the little buggers are."
By the time the meeting ended, even Dumbledore was reconsidering. "I hope the students summers are more entertaining than this," the Headmaster mused.
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While entertaining is not exactly the word most people would use for life at the Burrow, "boring" would most certainly be the last one. This was especially true with the full furor of the upcoming wedding having taken over Mrs. Weasley's life, along with the fact that they'd had to construct a barn to house a number of dragons, which was playing havoc with their animals.
"Calm down girl, Norberta isn't going to eat you," Harry told Gertrude the dairy cow.
Gertrude, for her part, was having none of that, and mooed and kicked as she was lead out to pasture. Norberta, for her part, was not helping in the least, as she followed every motion of the cow as she was being lead out of the barn yard.
"Bloody hell Charlie, would you put up some sort of barrier or something to keep them from panicking the animals," Harry shouted at his brother, who was busy levitating shingles up to the new barn's roof for the twins to put on.
"Sure, sorry Harry," Charlie called. He muttered a spell, and a cloud of smoke appeared, obscuring the barn from the view of Gertrude. This calmed the cow somewhat, though her eyes were still rolling in her head as she was lead out to the meadow.
"You know, I quite like dragons, but they're a bloody nuisance around here," Harry muttered to himself.
Gertrude seemed to agree with this, as no sooner were they at the meadow than she trotted over to a small grove of trees and hide behind them, trembling slightly. Harry hurried back to the barn, getting the three goats out to the meadow while the cloud skill kept the dragons from view. The goats, for their part, tried to butt their heads into Harry's chest in protest, convinced that if they left the safety of the barn they'd be a snack for certain.
"Ow, stop that!" Harry shouted, kicking at one of the goats and trying to attach a rope to their necks.
"Need a hand?" Luna asked, stepping into the barn and smiling at the obstinate goats. "Hello Tick, Mite, and Weevil. How are you today?"
"Bloody stupid," Harry muttered.
The goats, for their part, bleated nervously, backing away from Luna as if she smelled of dragon (which was all too likely). Luna frowned, then lifted her wand up and pointed it at the goats. "Somnus!"
All three goats fell to the ground asleep, their troubles momentarily forgotten.
"Thanks," Harry said, rubbing his chest. "Let's just levitate them out to the pasture."
Once all the animals were out in the pasture, Harry and Luna went on the daily egg hunt, searching down all the interesting places their nervous hens had managed to put their eggs this time. While this would have been a chore for a muggles, with a simple point me charm the eggs were easy enough to find.
"Oh, thank you for helping Harry, Luna dear," Mrs. Weasley said, taking the eggs and stowing them in the ice box. "Now I need the two of you to go outside, I'm trying to fit Fleur and Penny for dresses today and I just don't have time to help you find any wockets or waskets."
"That's OK, I already checked all your baskets," Luna said seriously.
Harry cleared his throat. "Actually mum, I was sort of hoping Luna and I could go to the London Zoo today. She's never been before, and I'd like to show her all the muggle creatures."
"Only if you take me with you," Percy declared, hurrying down the stairs. "God help me I love that woman but if I have to look at one more floral arrangement I'm going mad."
Mrs. Weasley pursed her lips in annoyance, but Mr. Weasley poked his head in from outside. "That sounds like an excellent idea, Percy. Keep the three of you out of the ladies hair."
"Oh, fine, but be back by teatime, I want you helping to pick out doilies, Percy," Mrs. Weasley ordered. "And Luna, we need to fit your dress for the flower girl. And Harry, don't forget you're the ring bearer, we need to get you fitted for your suit at some point."
"Mrs. Weasley, zee dresses are here," Fleurs voice called.
"Percy dear, come take a look at this, i want to know if you think-"
"SorrypennyIhavetotakeHarrysomewhereby," Percy shouted, ushering his younger siblings out the door to the car. "Thanks dad," he called as his father tossed him the keys.
"Don't mention it. Your mother has been waiting for this for 25 years, and it's getting to be a bit much. I'll have her and the girls calmed down by the time you get back," Mr. Weasley promised, using his wand to put some fire proofing charms along the barn.
"Good luck!" Harry called as they got into the car.
Luna pursed her lips, looking back at the house where the sounds of women shouting about dresses could be heard. "You know, I'm not certain I'd be all that interested in a wedding like this one."
"Lord knows I'm not," Percy muttered.
"Yeah, it seems like an awful lot of fuss for just one day. Besides, Fleur and Charlie are already married, anyway," Harry opined.
Luna nodded sagely. "Its settled then, we'll just elope in 1999."
"We will?" Harry asked, confused.
Luna tsked and nodded, taking out her calendar and flipping through the pages. "Yes, of course, it's right here Harry. Then we'll go to the Congo and find a crumple horned snorkack for our honeymoon."
"You'll have to take a bloody long time about it," Percy grumbled. "Mum's not likely to be talked out of another wedding."
"That's fine, I'll just have to convince Hermione to have hers while we're gone. I'll be sad to miss it, but the magical creatures of the world won't find themselves now will they," Luna declared.
"Go back to the part where we elope in 1999," Harry said. "I'm not sure I remember agreeing to that."
"Well, I'm open to 1998, but only if I feel that my seventh year at Hogwarts will be exceptionally boring with just Ginny," Luna informed Harry. "Still, since she'll be the captain of the Quidditch team I imagine she won't' have much time for me."
"I don't remember agreeing to this," Harry told Percy.
Percy kept his eyes on the road, a smile twitching at his lips. "I don't recall agreeing to marrying Penny either, but that's probably just because of all the dementors."
"You were very romantic," Luna informed him. "I especially liked your part of the love ballad you sang while defeating the rat king together."
"See, I don't remember that happening either," Harry said, to no one in particular.
Luna snuggled up to Harry, putting her head on his shoulder. "That's quite alright, you remember things as they are, I'll remember them as they should have been. It's much nicer that way."
After making their way through traffic, Percy dropped Harry and Luna off at the entrance to the zoo. "Have fun you two."
"Where are you going, Percy?" Harry asked. "Aren't you coming with us?"
"I've got four hours before we have to go back. So I'm going to do the only sensible thing," Percy answered.
"Go to the pub and get drunk?" Harry guessed.
Percy looked horrified. "What? No! Go into the office and get caught up on my paperwork."
"That does sound much more sensible than getting drunk," Luna agreed.
"I'll pick you up sharply at 3:30," Percy called as he started up the engine. "Try not to breach the statue too many times, it creates a lot of paperwork."
Once Percy was gone, Luna pulled out a large number of bills from her pocket and examined them. "Now Harry, which one of these will help us pay for the zoo? My father brought the back from his travels and told me this is the sort of money muggles use. See? This one is worth five hundred billion dinars. That should be enough, right?"
Harry took the yugoslavian bill and examined it, his eyes going wide at the numbers. "My God Luna, I think we might be rich! I don't know what the exchange rate is, but five hundred billion dinars has to be enough to refill my vault and then some!"
They ran up to the teller's window, huge grins on their faces. "Two tickets please!" Harry said, waving the bill around.
"Fifteen quid," the teller said.
"Here," Harry handed over the bill. "We'll need change, of course."
The teller's eyes went wide, and she held the bill up. "This...this can't be real, can it?"
"I assure you, it is," Harry declared. "My dates father brought it back from his travels. He owns a newspaper, and is very wealthy."
"I...I'm going to need a moment to check on this," the teller said, then hurried off into the back.
Five minutes later, a very angry supervisor appeared. "What is the meaning of this?!" The man shouted. "This thing isn't even worth the paper it was printed on! What sort of moron would try to pay with this?"
"Oh," Luna stammered, her eyes filling with tears. "I'm very sorry, my father, he gave it to me from his travels and said it was the sort of thing mu-"
"She means that it was a mistake, and I'd be happy to pay," Harry said, hastily taking out his wallet and putting a £20 note on the counter.
The supervisor picked up the note, examining it closely. "Hmph. It looks real enough. Fine, let them in, but don't you try to pay with any of that funny money again, you hear?"
Luna nodded, hiccuping and wiping away a tear.
"Come on, let's go," Harry urged, leading her away from the entrance. "Come on, let's go find some animals to look at. Have you ever seen a giraffe? They're very odd."
Luna was quiet as they hurried away, seeming lost in thought. Harry led her up to the giraffe exhibit, where two of the animals were wandering about their enclosure. Luna held Harry's hand as she peered up at the animals, though her eyes were distant and unfocused.
"Sorry about that," Harry whispered. "Most muggles aren't that rude."
"No, I was just thinking," Luna said, shaking her head and smiling at Harry. "You know, I think my father means well. Xenophilius, that is. He does try to take care of me, bring me gifts and such. But...but my mother's death affected us both, I think."
Harry held his tongue, squeezing Luna's hand and continuing to look up at the giraffes. After a few minutes, she spoke again.
"I know it's not all real, you know."
"What's not all real?" Harry asked, looking at Luna, who was smiling as she gazed at the giraffes. "They're real, all these animals are real. Well, not the stuffed ones but they were real."
"No, I mean the nargles and wrackspurts and snorkacks and glowering rogans," Luna answered.
Harry tilted his head to the side in confusion. "But you're always talking about them! I mean, we've spent a lot of time looking for them. And I thought we'd found a few, even."
Luna shrugged, glancing at Harry and smiling before turning to walk towards the opaki exhibit."Some of them are, yes. And it's fun to look for them. But...well, I mean, sometimes I use them as a sort of excuse, I guess."
"What do you mean?" Harry asked, hurrying to keep up and dodging out of the way of a herd of young children who were racing by.
"I mean that instead of thinking of things that hurt him, my father would talk about things that he found more interesting, like conspiracy theories or supposed creatures," Luna said, sitting down on a bench in the shade of a tree and looking into the enclosure. "Like, if I asked why mummy wasn't coming back, he'd mention how there were a lot of wrackspurts in the room, or how my mother was infested with nargles or how the heliopaths in the ministry were responsible for the creation of daylight savings time."
Harry was quiet for a long time, processing this and trying to make sense of it. "So...what you're saying is some things you do the same thing? If something is painful you play make believe instead."
Luna nodded, tears coming to her eyes. She sniffed and wiped at her eyes with the back of her hand, then laughed and smiled at Harry. "Yes, but, well, ever since Tom went away, I don't feel like I have to pretend so much. Because you're there, and so is mum and dad and all of our wonderful brothers and sisters, honorary or otherwise. So I don't have to say you have a lot of nargles, I can just say I love you."
Harry felt like a hand had wrapped around his heart and was squeezing, hard. "Luna...I...I don't know…"
Luna took Harry's hand in hers and squeezed it with both her hands. "You don't have to say anything. Just be there for me, Harry. Ok? And when life gets hard, I'll be there for you, too."
Put his free arm around Luna's shoulders, and a moment later she was embracing him, silent tears spilling onto Harry's shoulder. "I'll always be here for you, Luna. I promise."
"Don't say that," Luna scolded. "We'll have to be apart sometimes. Just, after we're done being apart, we have to be together again, OK?"
"OK," Harry agreed.
They separated, and Luna fussed with Harry's hair a bit, trying to get his unruly ginger hair to lie flat.
"Does this mean we can't go hunting for blibbering humdingers anymore?" Harry asked, feeling slightly wistful at the notion.
"Harry, if I ever get to stodgy to allow that anything is possibly real if you look at it from the right perspective, just slap me with a fresh trout, twice."
"Why a fresh trout?" Harry demanded.
"Don't you know? That's the best way to attract a Many Faced Rentil. I've always wanted to find one, and they're very good at bringing people back to their senses."
"Huh. Guess that guy at the front of the zoo could have used one," Harry said.
Luna laughed and stood, spreading her arms wide. "Oh, this is so wonderful! I never imagined that non-magical creatures could be so interesting! Come on, Harry. I want to go see a tiger. Tell me, do they really have springs in their tails?"