This is My Wish

Chapter Thirty-Six – After

Tissue Warning: 3-4

Edward

I wanted to rage, make calls, and ruin lives as she remained by his side for three fucking hours after Riley passed. That was how long it took for the coroner to send someone and another hour for someone from the funeral home to arrive.

However, I had to keep that shit bottled up. For my wife and family that grieved and cried for the boy we had lost. I had to remain strong; be the rock Bella needed to hang onto as she drowned in her grief.

For those hours, I watched as she became quieter, grew still and slipped into almost cationic state. The tears stopped after the first two, which should've been my first clue that I had to get her out of there.

When they finally arrived to take him, she awakened from her trance and clung to him as her tears renewed. It took several minutes of coaxing between my mother and me to get her to let him go.

"I'm going to start her a bath," I whispered, holding her close as she continued to sob against me. My parents nodded, saying that they'd find something for everyone to eat. I had no appetite and doubted Bella would, either. However, I knew we had to eat to get through the next few days.

I didn't allow her to watch as they'd taken him. I wasn't sure I could endure watching it, either. Lifting her into my arms, I carried her to the bathroom and started the water. I set her on the counter, pressing my lips to her forehead as she stared blankly ahead.

"Come back to me," I whispered repeatedly for a couple of minutes. I was afraid I'd lose her to her grief and when I felt her fingers brush along mine, I sighed in relief. I clenched them tightly in mine for a moment, grateful. "I'm going to start you a bath, baby."

I felt her nod and another tear slip down her cheek.

"You'll stay with me, right? You're not leaving." Her words so soft, I wasn't sure I had heard her correctly.

I cradled her face, searching her glistening dark eyes. "I'm not going anywhere. Not ever. Not without you."

She nodded, her chin and bottom lip trembling. "He's gone," she choked as she said the words. "He's really gone."

I wrapped my arms around her tightly, giving some of the warmth she desperately needed. "He's not, Bella. Not really. He's right here," I touched over her heart, then my own. "And he's not hurting anymore." She sobbed and nodded.

After a few minutes of just holding each other, I slowly removed her clothing and helped her slip into the warm water. She trembled as she clasped the sides of the tub, watching me closely. It almost seemed if she was afraid I suddenly disappear, ready to jump out and run after me if I tried.

As if I would. I'd been warned about possible abandonment issues, considering all those that Bella had already lost in her life, she'd feel that kind of fear toward me. Since she was a teenager, she'd lost over eight people, that didn't even include the children that she'd gotten close to over the years.

That was a lot to endure. How the hell had she held herself together all that time?

I folded a towel and knelt on it beside the tub. Her tear-filled eyes stayed on me as I started to pour water over her back. "I love you," she cried softly.

Biting the inside of my cheek to keep myself in check, I repeated the sentiment in a whisper.

As I washed her hair, her tears continued to flow. She needed it and was ten times better than watching her stare at nothing and despondent. Her fingers swept occasionally over my arm, shoulder and face, always touching.

As I helped her out of the tub, drying her gently with a soft towel, she said, "I remember the first time I felt him move inside me." She shook her head in confusion. "I don't know why that day just popped up in my head."

"Tell me about it."

She ran her fingers through my hair, stepping into a pair of yoga pants I held out for her. "I was in school," she said softly. "I was trying to finish the semester before he was born. And I was walking to my next class when I felt a little flutter."

Her hand moved over her stomach. "I thought I imagined it at first because I stood real still, waiting to see if it would happen again."

"And did he move?" Slipping a long-sleeved shirt over her, she shook her head beneath.

"Not until I started walking again." A sound like a choked laugh –sob escaped her, her fingers tightening along my hips.

"That sounds very much like something Riley would do." I sighed as I wrapped my arms around her tightly. "I wish I knew you then and felt him move inside you."

Her head tilted up, pressing a kiss to my jaw. "I know, but I don't think I was ready for you then." I nodded and held her face as I rested my forehead against hers. She was right, because she had been with Riley's father at the time. "But I love you now."

"I love you, too."

"I need…I need to –" Her whole body trembled. I swept my arm under her knees and pulled her into my arms. Her hands moved across my shoulders as her head tucked against my neck. "I can't see anyone right now." She crawled into bed. "Just you. Will you please hold me?"

I nodded, slipping into bed with her. Her body molded to mine, her hold impossibly tight as she wrapped around me fully. She was so much stronger than me. I wanted to sob and clutch at her, find some miracle elixir to make sure I would never have to endure another loss.

Not her.

I took a deep breath, inhaling the scent of her, trying to forget the smell of his passing and of his illness. My eyes fell closed, his face there, bright and young and full of life. I wanted to remember that look, his smile, and I had to fight to remain numb.

At least while I held her and in her presence. Be strong, she needs you.

~oOo~

Friends and family came and went for the next twenty-four hours. However, I remembered little of their condolences. They all sounded the same. Candles, flowers and stuffed animals filled our lawn from fans and neighbors, but other than that, we had little disturbance.

Jane had released a statement, stating Riley's passing and that the funeral would be only open to friends and family.

I sat on the couch, watching Bella as she spoke to my mother in the kitchen. Rosalie was sitting beside me, trying to make conversation but I barely heard her words. I slid my hands down my thighs, propping my elbows on them, keeping an eye on my wife. She had barely eaten anything since that day. I worried that she'd faint or become dizzy.

I felt the couch move slightly and the touch of Rosalie's shoulder on mine. Her choked whisper barely registered in my mind. Bella looked toward us, her face a mask of confusion and despair.

God, I hated that look.

It wasn't until Mom made her way quickly toward me that I became aware of Rosalie sobbing beside me. I closed my eyes and willed the emotion deep down. Be strong, she needs you.

Bella rose to her feet, walking toward me. I watched her every step until she stood in front of me. Her fingers ran through my hair, but I wasn't sure why. I wrapped my arms around her waist, resting my forehead against her stomach. Maybe she needed comfort and I wanted to be the one that provided it.

~oOo~

I hated the smell of the place, a damn funeral home. Why the hell did we have to be there? Bella's hand tightened in mine, her body shaking at the thought of what we were about to do. Dad ran a soothing hand down her back, whispering something in her ear. She nodded and followed the director into another room.

I cringed at the sight in front of me, caskets off all sizes and colors. The bright overhead lighting did little to dispel the eeriness of the scene. My chest tightened, as well as my fingers clutched in Bella's hand. Words continued to come from the director, telling us about options and things I hardly heard about. Dad asked questions, Bella only nodded and looked lost and completely overwhelmed. I hated it and just being there.

My stomach churned as I took a good look at a small pale grey casket, lined with white satin. As Dad closed it, lifting it again as he asked the director something else, I couldn't help the groan that escaped me.

"We can't," I whispered as something in my memory broke through my armor. "We can't put him in one of those. It's too dark." Bella's hold on my hand warned me that I was too close to the edge. The agonized moans I could hear sounded distant to me, even if they were my own. Sobs and words clogged in my throat as I shook my head. "We can't! He's afraid of the dark!"

Bella

I closed my eyes at his words hit me. I knew he'd break sooner or later. I'd known that he'd been bottling up his emotions and grief inside. He'd been oblivious of a sobbing Rosalie earlier, as she clung to his side. It worried me then and even more so at that moment.

I hadn't given him a chance to let go since everything started. His body shook and his knees gave way. I sob tore through me as he fell to his knees, calling out Riley's name.

"My boy, he's afraid of the dark. We can't, we can't leave him in the dark."

I heard Carlisle ask the director to leave us as I knelt down beside my husband. His hands clutched his face, and the sounds he made ripped another sob from me. Eyes deep green and glazed with pain and tears met mine.

I could see him battle to contain himself. There was a plea within his eyes, too. "He'll be scared," he whispered, sighing when I wrapped my arms around him more fully. "We can't." He repeated it a few times as he clung to me. I kissed his forehead, watching as his eyes slowly closed, tears falling slowly down his face.

"I know he is…was afraid, baby," I whispered softly. "But I can't have him cremated, either." Another deep shudder ran through him as an agonized groan rumbled in his chest. "I know it's hard to do this," I choked and took a deep breath to gather myself enough to continue. "But I can't do that, all right?" His arms tightened around my waist, his choked whisper lost against my skin at the crook of my neck.

I felt his head shake from side to side, hard. "No," he said softly, trying to pull me up, despite his own shaky legs. "We can't do that. No fire. No, no." His body slumped further against me before we could get to our feet fully, remaining on our knees. Carlisle squatted behind his son, smoothing a hand along his back.

"We'll think of something, Edward," he said softly. "Maybe put in those battery operated lights that last a long time." I felt Edward's head move, his breathing slowing after several minutes. Above his head, Carlisle whispered, "Has he slept?"

I thought about it. He always waited for me to fall asleep for the past several weeks. And he'd been awake when I got up every morning. "I'm not sure."

He nodded as Edward continued to softly cry and sigh, whispering more words I couldn't hear. I wasn't sure I was meant to; perhaps, they were just words to comfort himself.

"I love you," he said suddenly, louder than before. "I love him, too. So much."

I sighed and squeezed him tightly, looking at Carlisle. "I'm getting him home. Choose a light color inside and out." Thankful that Carlisle had met us there.

Carlisle rose to his feet, helping Edward and I onto ours, leading us back to the car, where the new security Jane hired waited for us. Jon and Devon helped me get Edward in the backseat of the car quickly as I spotted a few paps across the street.

I was so afraid that Edward, in his current state, would lash out if he saw them. Though I would not fault him, I knew he would later regret it. The moment Devon pulled away from the curb; I breathed a sigh of relief.

I turned my attention to my sweet husband, to find him staring blankly ahead as he had been earlier at home. Though it pained me to see him cry, seeing him that way was so much worse. He almost appeared like a ghost, an empty shell of the man I knew him to be. He needed to stop doing that to himself. I knew, in some ways, he thought what he'd been doing was the right thing for me. It wasn't.

I needed him with me completely. Good and bad. Cradling the side of his face, I turned his head to look at me. His eyes seemed to have to focus for a moment, until they widened. "I'm sorry," he gasped, wiping at his tears. "I'm sorry." He cleared his throat, averting his eyes again. "I'm fine. Let's go home."

He looked to his right, surprised to see that we were in the car. Prone to panic attacks since before the accident that caused his Aunt's death, I knew I had to get him to calm down, his breathing already harsh and coming in pants. "He's gone," he croaked. "He's really gone."

I pulled him against me, kissing his head as he held me close. "He's not, sweetheart," I whispered, remembering his words from that first night without our son in the world. "Not really. He's in our hearts and he's not hurting anymore, remember?"

"I miss him," he whispered his breaths finally slowing.

"I do, too."

Once we got home, I supported him as we walked to our bedroom. We climbed into bed, holding each other close. His fingers drifted over my face softly, his eyes still held that tearful shine, making them so much brighter.

"What are we going to do without him?" he whispered.

"What he'd want us to do." His eyebrows raised, confusion filled his eyes. "Live."

His brow creased as his eyes closed, pressing his forehead against my own. "I can only do that with you beside me."

"I'm not going anywhere, Edward."

~oOo~

Edward

I was ashamed to say that I had to be given something to sleep that night. When I woke the following morning, I wondered why I felt so cold still. I had no more brilliant smiles from my son to look forward to everyday, no more "Hey, Dad," and no more not-so-secret handshakes.

But there was someone to make the days easier. I felt Bella stir, her hand skimming along my side. Even in her sleep, she tried to soothe me. She slept beside me, peacefully without the weight of what happened on her sweet face.

We'd get through our loss, though I knew it wouldn't be easy. And we'd do it together.

Our son was laid to rest beside his grandparents and Brittney two days later. Though it was a private service, hundreds of people that heard about our Riley, lined the streets that led to the cemetery. Bella held my hand throughout, comfort in her touch as her grief showed in every nuance on her face and tear that fell.

From the corner of my eye, I saw a familiar face. Alice. She'd been a godsend since Riley had been diagnosed according to Bella, though I hadn't met her until Jasper had introduced us. She'd always been there when we needed her most, and at the moment, as she sang "Hero," Riley's favorite song.

As her voice moved around us, sweet and angelic, I looked up to the grey clouded sky. It'd been raining on and off for the last few days, but for a few moments, the sky parted enough to allow a glimpse of double rainbows and rays of sunshine.

I felt Bella's hand squeeze mine tightly, her eyes on the sky above, too. I watched a small smile grace her face, knowing as I did, somehow that was from our boy.