I was strong for them. I did not break. I carried on.
As they wept I held them close and kissed their foreheads. When they shouted, angry, confused, I swallowed their fury and tried to help them understand something that I myself struggled to accept.
Denzel came down one morning with blood on his fists, and darkly muttered '…punched the wall…' and without a word, gently, I cleaned and bound his fists.
Marlene drew more pictures, scrunching each one up in frustration as she finished it. When she stomped up to her room, I would go to the bin and pick them up, smoothing them out and fingering the corners as I placed them in a file I found in his office.
'Why did he leave?'I didn't know. All kinds of problems had cropped up between us. I could never answer for sure.
And it hurt to remember that smile on Cloud's face when I last saw him.
I still cleaned out his office, dusted it, kept it neat. I answered the delivery requests with polite words informing customers that he 'was no longer here'. I ignored the raised eyebrows and sidelong glances of bar customers, as determinedly I served their drinks with a smile.
Gods, how was I to know that even then I was happy?
Back then I still had them to hold, to love; to laugh with. Back then they were there beside me, in the flesh, and they lived in and they breathed the same air I did.
Back then, when they were still-
…
Cid invited himself and Shera to dinner, to distract us, to comfort us. I was so glad for the company, glad for something to do, focus on. I cooked up a real storm, and they gushed over it and I was pleased and embarrassed by their praise.
'Shit, Tifa that looks amazing!'
'Cid! Language!' and at his wife's reprimand, sheepishly he would glance at the kids, and they smiled.
Marlene had dragged Shera upstairs to show her the latest school project. Rolling his eyes, Denzel followed, as I started with the washing up.
'Tifa, please, there's something I…I wanna say.'
'Hm?' And looking up I saw him wring his hands, as if they were missing a cigarette.
'About Spike…' I glanced up sharply 'Look, I'm sorry.'
'You don't have to apologize, Cid.' I said quietly, focusing on the dishes.
'Nah, girl, I feel I owe ya an explanation…' He shifted his weight, flexing his fingers. I threw him a dishcloth.
'Here, do something with your hands, help dry up, will you?'
Taking a deep breath, he stepped next to me and to my surprise, started drying them deftly and thoroughly. He noticed my look, and grinned, nerves forgotten for the moment and winked.
'Shera's got me damn well trained.'I giggled.
'But…Spike, Cloud…whatever…' The easy, relaxed manner was gone, We both focused on the soapy dishes and our hands, but his gruff voice was strained and worried. 'He came…he came asking questions, you know, an'…an' I didn't think much of it at the time, being the stupid shit that I am, but now he's…now he'…well…you know…'
He paused for a moment, and I waited.
'It was just after Red left, yeah? He came round one afternoon, for a cuppa, and we talked. He…he was askin' stuff about World's, and about how the Heartless and that outworlder, Mickey, travel through 'em an' stuff.' Cid sucked in a deep breath 'He asked me if someone could travel through them too, with or without airships, and how hard would it be to do.'
I stiffened momentarily, before tentatively asking him what he expected me to ask.
'What did you say?'
'The truth…damn…I needa smoke…' I said nothing and he cursed softly.
'Truth is, technology for traveling to other worlds is only jus' starting to come together now, 's developing fair enough, but the Mages, they have this theory on how the damn Heartless do it.' I handed him the last dish to dry, before reaching through the dirty water to pull the plug. We listened to the water gurgle before he continued.
'They reckon that it's the Darkness that lets them through, that it somehow connects all them worlds, pulling them through…and…and…'
'You told Cloud this.' My heart sank, and I found myself choking down unexpected tears.
'Yeah…' He cursed again, throwing the dish cloth down in frustration 'Shit, damnit, I'm kicken' myself now Teef, I wish I hadn't-'
'Don't worry.' I said quietly.
'Huh?'
'He…he would of found a way out regardless…He wants to find them…'
It was true, I realized, he left to find them, Zack and Aerith, the ones he failed. Maybe he really believed that they were out there to find, I don't know, but he was searching for them in any case.
Cid said nothing, and we were interrupted by the entrance of the kids and Shera. Smiling a little, I patted his shoulder, before moving to put the plates away.
'Don't worry about it.'
Gods, I tried so hard to do the right thing.
I felt awkward and out of place at the stone barracks of the Home Guard. It all seemed so formal, not imperialistic, but so intense. Serious.
People, mostly women, walked with intent either in or out of the double wooden doors that marked the buildings entrance. I stood alone in the front courtyard, staring at the entrance whilst around me some trained and sparred.
I remembered what Lucil had said when she invited me to join.
There were Heartless about, and a cold, quiet Darkness was slowly creeping into Radiant Garden.
It chilled me, made me afraid, ad I remembered why it was I was here.
'Tifa!'I turned at the sound of my name, to see the good-natured Clasko waving at me. I smiled, somewhat relieved to see a familiar face.
'Hello.'
'Hey, you're here. Does that mean you've decided to join?' His eyes showed a glimmer of hope. He had a sweet smile, Clasko did.
Cloud was gone, but I was still here. Something…something in me had realized the finality of this, that he wasn't coming back. There were Heartless on the prowl, far away sure, but they would come. Of course they would, drawn by our hearts, ripe for the taking. I had two children, whom I loved, and a place that I called home. Cloud wasn't going to appear if things should turn for the worst.
It was up to me. I would have to be strong enough. For them, to protect them.
I gave out a small smile.
'Yes.'
Lucil had been pleased to see me, though all she did was smile-almost smugly-and nod in acknowledgement.
'Indeed, this is a pleasant surprise, Tifa.'
She showed me the Home Guard Headquarters, the mess hall, the living quarters for those on duty, the armory, the infirmary and the three training yards.
We stood in the largest, and Lucil told me that that she was glad I was there.
'We welcome every recruit, but Tifa, many are young and untrained, and it takes time to train a body into usefulness.' Her gray-blue eyes glittered as she watched some train in the yard, and I understood what she meant 'Thus, to have one such as you join us will surely…encourage…some of the more disheartened recruits.'
I was surprised, to say the least. The only time this woman had ever seen me was behind the bar.
'Lucil…you…can't know that…you haven't even see me fight.'
She turned her face towards me and I could see the amusement in her eyes. They flickered behind me, just as the hair on the back of my neck prickled, and I turned slowly to see the person behind me.
'Miss Lockhart, let me introduce you to Quistus Trepe of Balamb, she is one of the Home Guards top Instructors.'
The woman before me stood tall and straight, eyes and face as calm and impassive as Lucil's own. Her blond hair framed her face, a perfect contrast to Clouds spiky locks.
Which sent a soft pang through my heart, but I did not let it dwell there.
Among her smart, orange attire, I had noticed what looked like a coiled chain whip slung comfortably on her belt.
'Tifa, seeing as you're here, I was wondering if you would like to demonstrate your fighting ability against the Instructor here?'
'Huh?'
Instructor Trepe raised an eyebrow.
'Tifa Lockhart? Of Midgar?' Her voice was crisp and sharp, though softly spoken.I nodded, keeping my face still. I didn't like the way her mouth tightened as she looked at me. She surely had heard the tales, seen the unnecessary commotion made by Ansem the Wise and she was a skeptic.
Which I admired, truly I had, but I did not like the way she had looked at me, like I was over blown and over-rated. Maybe it was my pride that was so offended. She had already judged me, and found me lacking.
'Very well.'
She widened her stance, one hand forward, whilst the other deftly removed the whip from its holster on her hip.
It was a struggle not to raise my own eyebrows at her choice of weapon, I had never before seen the whip used as a primary weapon, so perhaps you can excuse me for being a little dubious.
My glance flickered at Lucil, who stood passively to the side. She nodded slightly.
A test, I had thought, and I brought out the pair of black leather fighting gloves from under my own belt. Slowly, carefully, I donned them, wriggling my fingers as they fit snugly into the supple leather.
Fists raised, I met her gaze.
She flicked her wrist and the whip chain flashed in a silver circle around her head before darting forward. On instinct I dropped and rolled, ignoring the bite that stung my cheek, and the trickle of blood that crept down it.
I darted left, keeping my head down to avoid the lightning fast whip.
Again it struck, aiming before me and I dug my feet into the ground to avoid the blow. Again, it struck out again and I hit the floor and rolled as it bit into the dirt behind me. On my feet again I ran, swerving diagonally as I strove to close the distance between us, never taking my eyes off her.
Crack.
Crack.
Crack.
If I could get close, I had thought, I could attack her.
Silver flash and I leapt, planting one hand on the ground and cart wheeling to avoid it. It struck again as my feet hit the ground and I spun in the air again with a round off, still moving even as my body became vertical again.
Crack.
Even as I darted to the side again, I saw a frown mar her otherwise still features. Sweeping her right arm up, she twirled the silver chain once, twice around her head in wide silver circles. In that instance I sprinted forwards, pushing my body hard to reach her in time.
Close, closer.
The silver arc of the whip came round a third time, and using my momentum to guide me, I dropped to the ground, sweeping my leg out as I slid through to knock her off her feet.
The silver flash jerked back, and she jumped away, surprised at my speed.
I swung my legs around and underneath me, coming smoothly into a crouch. Trepe withdrew the chain, letting it coil in her left hand and pulling it tight.
A split second we stared, before I launched myself up and off the ground, flying down at her with my fist clenched and raised.
She deftly brought up the handle of her whip to block the punch, which I followed through with another and another, bearing down on her as she struggled to match my speed.
Close combat is a different story for Quistus Trepe.
Granted, she fared well, matching each punch that I delivered, but she was struggling. Now on the defensive, I had been systematically driving her back. Pulling back a fist in recoil, I shot my left leg forward as a front kick, and, automatic, she moved to block it. A split second and I had pivoted and turned to instead deliver a sidekick to her head.
Startled, arms raised to block it; she stumbled to the side as I let my whole body follow the movement through. Planting my left foot down, I spun and turned and struck out with my right.
My foot slammed into her stomach. Winded, she stumbled back, curled over. I moved to attack her, finish her off, when, in a blur, she leapt up and the butt of her whip handle snaked up and under my guard to strike my face. Jerking back my head, it glanced off the corner of my mouth and I cursed myself for underestimating her.
I was given no reprieve and the whip curled through the air again, biting the air next to my face as I slid out the way, running forward again. Jumping up, I raised my right leg up high mid air, spinning in a clockwise crescent and aiming again for her face.
Chain whip-
Crack-whumpwhumpwhump.
-and it snaked tightly around my leg as she wrenched her weapon to the side. Caught and pulled off balance, I tumbled to the ground. Instantly the chain released my leg. Landing in a crouch, the air whistled and I snapped up a forearm to have the blade sear through my skin and draw blood.
That would have been my eye.
Crack.
And it bit again, except this time I jabbed my arm forward on impact and let the chain wrap itself tightly around the limb, before grabbing it with my gloved hand and pulling hard.
She did not let go, but matched the pull a moment, before surprising me by relenting and running forward, aiming a punch at my face. With my free arm I intercepted the blow, maneuvering her arm easily out the way so that I could thrust my open palm into her nose.
There was a sickening crunch and she keeled back, grip still on the whip, and I was impressed. Especially when she changed the grip on the whip handle to strike my temple with the end.
I staggered back a step, dazed, and we both glowered at each other, before raising out respective weapons, fists and whip, to meet again head on.
Crack. Punch-punch, Slide. Whip-Crack. Thwak.
White fire in my blood as my chi crackled with enthusiasm as we hit, parried and attacked. I was excited, challenged, and alive. There was nothing else in existence but the fight.
We drew back, both bloody and smarting, before preparing to meet again-
Clap. Clap. Clap.
We both stiffened.
Blood was pouring out of her nose and onto her vest, and there were an impressive array of bruises lining her left eye and cheek. The wounds on my arm and face stung like fire. I realized my lip was split and bleeding. Both our clothes were dusty, bloody and torn.
Both of our gazes flickered to the flame haired Captain, who applauded us. It seemed that whilst we fought, we had acquired an audience of sorts. Behind Lucil where a dozen or so teenaged boys and girls. Our gazes flicked towards each other again, and, simultaneously we both relaxed our stances.
Smiling like a cat, Lucil stepped towards us.
'Well,' she said 'I think that was a fair enough demonstration of your fighting ability, don't you Instructor Quistus?'
I could not have done anything better then to join the Home Guard. People there knew, they understood what it meant to fight for something. Many of the new recruits were the ragged survivors from Junon. They knew what loss was, and they all wanted, no, needed some goal to dedicate their torn lives to.
Quistus Trepe, the woman whom I had battled, understood this too. I could see it in her chilly, blue eyes. She was a survivor, she was, and I recognized that.
A pang of guilt stabbed my heart as I watched the kids expressions change from joy of seeing me waiting to take them home from school, to fear, horror and worry as they saw my wounds.
'Tifa!''Who did this to you?' scowled Denzel, and he unconsciously had cracked his knuckles.
Leaning down to their level, I smiled cheerily, for some reason that fight with Quistus Trepe had made me feel alive again.
---
'A pleasure meeting you, Tifa Lockhart.' She had said as she stretched out a hand to shake my own as we sat in the Infirmary. A small smile quirked the corners of her mouth, and I accepted the gesture.
'And you.'
'Hn.' She said, almost smug 'Next time…no holding back.'
And she turned on her heel and walked away.
---
'Don't you worry, it's nothing serious.'
'Are you sure?' a worried frown on her face, Marlene had reached up to touch the scab on my lip, before softly brushing the bandage on my temple 'What happened?'
I grinned again, touched by their worry, and I grasped their hands and led them off the school grounds.
'I was training, like a practice fight, yeah?' Denzel's scowl lessened a little, but something that looked like protective disapproval remained. It made me want to giggle. Marlene's eyes widened, her mouth the perfect 'o' as she nodded, understanding.
'Right. Like in Junon, with Papa and Vince and Red and…'She fell short of saying Cloud's name, and I squeezed her hand.
'Yeah, like then, Marlene, except this time it's not as serious.'
She clung to my arm with both hands, mumbling softly.
'Ok, jus' be careful, Tifa, please…'
Denzel nodded too, and I hugged both their shoulders as we went on our way.
'I will, promise. Now, tell me about school…'
I walked the last, slightly less then sober, customer out of the bar, before returning inside to clean up in the galley. The room was dimly lit, the flames on the kerosene lamps burning low, but I had been used to it by then.
It was sometimes so quiet in that place, when everyone had left and gone, with no one else was there beside myself. Days, and nights, seemed to stretch out longer then ever, and I was plagued often by a feeling of constant restlessness and worry.
Agitated, though at the time, I could never say why.
Four mornings a week, after delivering the kids safely to school, I would walk to the Home Guard Barracks and train. Sometimes it was alone, sometimes it was against others. Sometimes it was regimented drills, outlining the key defense points of the city. Sometimes I was even the teacher, which scared me, in a way. I struggled to relay the very words that Zagane-sensei had told me what seemed so long ago. Words and lessons that had saved my life so many times, never before had I realized the weight of responsibility that a teacher carries.
But it was good, I think, in a way.
Even if it made my work at the bar seem all the more tedious.
Serving customers occupies the mind and body in a way not so different to that of a fight.
Cleaning up, however, is a long and monotonous task that leaves the mind free to wander down dangerous roads of thought. Painful ones, too.
Sighing, I began the old, familiar routine. The water had gotten cold and all that dirty tableware wasn't leaving in a hurry. Briefly I had considered refilling the kerosene for the lamps for a change in atmosphere, but times were tough, and I could work in the semi-dark.
Still, those quiet nights haunted me. Before I had waited for Cloud to return. Now it was just empty silence, one that would not be broken by his long awaited arrival.
See what I mean about a dangerous road of thoughts? They plagued me so much back then.
In a bout of sweeping paranoia, I had wondered if I was only one in the house. I couldn't stand the thought as it crossed my mind, and I called out.
'Marlene!'
Soft footsteps sounded from above as they made their way down the creaking staircase. Marlene appeared in the doorway, and I had sighed inwardly in relief.
'Ssssh.' she frowned, putting a finger to her lips.
'Sorry.' I mumbled to the child, feeling silly at my previous worries. Of course I was not alone, I had known that. I was just…scared, I think.
'Denzel finally fell asleep.' She explained. He had come down with a fever, a bad one, because last night he had walked away into the rain. It had taken hours to find him, and there had been real panic and fear in my heart that he was lost to me too.
He never mentioned why he walked out into that rain, but I had guessed. Suspected.
As a result, he was bedridden and sick.
'Was he hurting?''A little.'
'You could have called me.'
'It was ok, besides, you were working.'
I frowned; they were perceptive, the kids were. They picked up so many things that I had thought they would miss. Wise beyond their years, but then I already knew how loss does that to you. Marlene and Denzel were no exception.
I blamed myself for letting the children worry about me.
'What's wrong?'There she was again, seeing right through me. Little Marlene with her large, gray eyes and soft, brown hair. I sighed softly, tired, trying to smile.
'Hm? Oh, nothing…' I said vaguely, not looking at her face, wanting to change the subject.
She was not fooled, no, not Barret's girl. She looked around the big, empty room and back to me again, where I stood, alone.
'Did you feel lonely?' The little girl saw through everything. 'I'm not going anywhere.'
Embarrassed, I smiled, for I had known that. Absentmindedly, I tucked my hair behind my ear.
'Thanks…Marlene…'She came up and hugged me, my sweet little girl. Arms tight around my waist, she gave a little squeeze before looking up at me.
'We'll be ok, Tifa.'
I would like to say many things.
I would like to say that I never blamed Cloud for leaving, for a little part of me always did.
I would like to say that was able to move on without him, but I didn't. I merely endured, taking each day as it came.
I would like to say that the dreams didn't come back, but they did.
I would like to think that I could have coped on my own, but gods knows what I'd be if it weren't for the kids.
I would like to say that I didn't put my hurt, my pain into the fierce sparring matches I had, but I did, and some were brutal and bloody.
I would like to say that Cloud came back, of his own accord, but he didn't.
I would like to say that I knew for sure that the rough kiss planted on my forehead the night he left was for real, but I don't know if his faint farewell was apart of my restless sleep or not.
All I can say was that we missed him. All three of us, we missed him.
Authors note: Hello to all!
I'm still trying to figure out the differences between gummi ship travel, nobody trave and Heartless travel, so I've kept it kind of vague here. If anyone has any ideas/theories about the whole thing, I would like to hear then, just so I can consolidate my own.
Why does Tifa fight Quistus? Because I really wanted to write a fight scene, and one between these two characters would be absolutely awesome to watch as a FMV. Not much chance of one being developed though...Hoped you all liked it, it was such a damn challange trying to think how Quistus would fight with a whip, I think the chain has various lengths, but hey, its all good.
That last bit is a little emotional, I know, but I wanted to put it in somewhere. Hope you liked it!