APOV
"What are you thinking about?"
"That I should have built the house 20 feet to the left so we could see all the fireworks from bed instead of only half of them."
"You would have too."
"If I knew one day I'd be lying naked with you in my arms watching them, yes, I would have moved heaven and earth. A house is nothing." There's no words to respond to that so I snuggle back against him and lift my face to the side to kiss under his chin.
"In the entire world, there is nowhere else I'd rather be right now." He grunts in satisfaction and agrees by squeezing me tighter against him.
Once the fireworks are over we remain like this, him leaning against the headboard with me leaning against him. For the first time in a long time I feel him relax and I know it's because I'm here, I'm safe and we've just had amazing sex.
"Ana, I want you to move in with me." Well, there goes that relaxing evening. My body tenses but he rubs my shoulders both to relax me and to keep me in place.
"Christian, please can we not talk about it right now?"
"I want a time frame. I can't handle not knowing."
"Why the anxiety about it? You promised not to ask again and again but this is twice in just a few hours. What's going on?" He sighs, pulls me back against him and holds my hands in his.
"Hyde's caught. You don't have to stay with me anymore. Your mothers coming and you've already stated you'd stay at your place. I feel a bit like I'm losing you." My heart softens and swells with affection for this larger than life man who is nothing more than a scared little boy desperate to avoid rejection.
"Baby," I turn and stroke his chin to soothe him. "you're not losing me in the slightest. I'm yours, body, mind, soul, heart. Yours. I just need a little more time on my own. I'm not pulling away, especially after what you said in the tub." He lowers his eyes and looks at me with hesitation.
"Wife?" The word makes my heart pound and my head spin but in a really good way.
"Did you mean that?" His eyes grow larger but I interrupt before he can answer. "I've never heard you talk about marriage and kids and that whole thing. I wasn't sure you wanted that."
"I didn't. Actually, I can't say whether I did or not, I'd never thought about it since I just assumed it would never happen for me." His head lowers to mine before he closes his eyes and sighs. "And then you came along and changed everything."
"And now you want all that? Even kids?" I can't imagine Christian as a dad but I've never really tried. Maybe I'll take Sophie for the day and see how he does.
"Mmmhmm. You'd be a fantastic mother." He pulls back and gives me a serious look. "Not that I want that yet, maybe in 10 years or so. Getting you pregnant now would be the height of irresponsibility. But marriage? I'd marry you tomorrow if you'd let me but if you won't even move in with me, I'm not foolish enough to think you'd marry me." I feel shamed even though I shouldn't.
"I'm sorry." He tips my face up to his and kisses my nose.
"Don't be. Just move in with me."
"Ugh! Would you stop!" He yells after me as I march to the bathroom and throws a pillow that hits me square in the back.
"When you move in I'll stop. I told you, Ana. I always get what I want and I want you, living with me."
Impossible man. I'm not actually angry but I don't like disappointing him and I don't like saying no to him. I take my time peeing and brushing my teeth so that I can think of a way to get him to stop with the move in crap. But if I want to marry him one day and he wants to marry me one day, why am I waiting?
It's a question I ponder as I wash my face and only when I stare at myself closely in the mirror and recognize the familiar patterns of my super light freckles do I realize why I'm so adamant about this. His persona, his business, his life is huge and consumes everything around it. A very big part of me is afraid to lose myself to him and the crap that comes along with him. There's something more, something I can't quite put my finger on but I'll save that for another day.
He's fallen asleep on the bed, face down wrapped around a pillow and butt naked. I wish I had a camera other than my phone. I won't risk someone hacking into my account since he's told me repeatedly that Barney has stopped numerous attempts already but I'd love to capture this moment for prosperity. His physique is a work of art.
Instead I lie next to him and revel in the feel of his skin under my wandering fingertips. It's rare that I get to explore him, he usually stops me and fucks me before I get the chance to do much to him so I take the time to commit to memory how he feels.
Over and over I sweep his shoulders and back, gliding over his butt and those delicious dimples that I love and further down to the bend in his knee. It's fascinating and so very male, the progression from smooth to rough. His muscles twitch occasionally and I notice a slight movement each time I touch the back of his knees but other than that, he's all mine to explore. The room is warm and dark, a sanctuary in the mountains that pulls me into a quiet so complete that I almost don't hear Christian when my hand pauses.
"Don't stop." he whispers sleepily.
"I thought you were sleeping."
"I was but you woke me. I couldn't move." He exhales and puts one arm down to his side, resting it against my thigh. "I feel cherished when you touch me like this."
"Then I will always touch you like this." He sighs.
"Always, I like the sound of that."
"Mrs. Bentley you have to give me this recipe. It's ungodly what I want to do to these biscuits." She laughs and flings the towel over her shoulder before grabbing a pen and paper.
"The secret is to not overwork the dough. You want to touch it as little as possible." She explains the rest, step by step and writes it all down pausing only to inform me that these are Christian's favorite and that he asks for them every time he comes.
"Make that my favorite too, seriously, you should sell these."
"Absolutely not!" Christian bellows, walking in with a pair of rubber waders on over his black t-shirt. "Those are for me and me alone. I will share with you because you are the love of my life but I will not tolerate anyone else enjoying them." Mrs. Bentley preens and tuts, gathering the dishes and clearing the counter.
"What are you wearing?" Even in rubber overalls the man looks like a god. It's really not fair.
"Fishing pants. Got you a pair here too." Is he out of his mind?
"What about movies? The library? I wanted library se"
"Stop!" he bellows, holding his hand out, eyes wide. "I know what you wanted and we can do all that later and dedicate an entire day to it next time but I thought you'd like this better."
"Fishing? You don't know me at all. I'd rather have my teeth cleaned."
"How about settling for some time with your old man then?" Ray comes around the corner in his own rubber waders and grabs me before I fall over, hugging me and laughing. Did he hear me say sex or did Christian cut me off in time? Oh god.
"Relax, Annie, I'm not an idiot. You're basically living with the man." Ohmygodohmygodohmygodnonono. I give him a really forced giggle and look over at Christian who is doing his best to look contrite. He doesn't have it in him.
"What are you doing here?" I'm stunned stupid.
"Flew in this morning, thought we could spend some time fishing and if you're lucky, we can scale them together too." He winks. Oh joy.
"You flew in this morning?" My brain doesn't seem to be catching up with the events happening in front of me. "Today?"
"Well, since this morning alludes to today, yes. Christian sent the jet and Regina flew me up with her father, retired from the Air Force 18 years now."
"Right. Regina. Her dad's a pilot too."
Ray laughs and grabs my shoulders. "Yup, being in the Air Force alludes to the fact that he probably flew at some point. Did you have coffee yet?"
I numbly shake my head and cock it to the side to look at Christian who is still holding out my waders.
"You arranged this? For me?"
"Of course. I figured it'd be good to see a normal parent before bitchzilla rolls into town and I wanted to have Ray hear the entire Hyde scenario on my call with Welch later. They've investigated his car and agreed to fill us in on their findings."
"Bitchzilla?" He grins and laughs as Ray starts to sputter behind me.
"Kate's name for your mother. She called to check in this morning and see if you'd changed your mind about the visit."
"So Kate's met her obviously." Ray grunts out. These fools are doubled over laughing and smacking the counters but I'm still freaked out that my dad heard me talk about wanting sex and then TALKED TO ME ABOUT IT!
"She is my mother guys." She may have been a terrible one but she's still my mom and I'm not going to sit here and take part in this so I walk out to change. Christian jogs up the stairs behind me and grabs me around the waist to face him. We're eye to eye since he's a full step below me.
"I'm sorry, that was rude and immature and thoughtless. Forgive me." He spits out the last part of forgive, clearly still finding the joke funny. I can't help but laugh, not at my mom but at his self-proclaimed, spot on immaturity.
"I'm going to get dressed and then we're going fishing but next time I'm here, I want you, naked, in the library, for the entire day. Tu Comprendes?"At the top of the stairs I turn and put my hand on my hip in mock defiance. "And you can forget about mirrors for a while if you catch my drift." He has the audacity to laugh!
"Well, since Ray's flying home with us, that's pretty much out of the question. I know we have parachutes on board but I'd never have enough time to strap one on!"
Ray has talked more in the last three hours than I've heard him speak in almost 10 years. He covers everything from politics to religion to the justice system to the Mariners. I'm exhausted but Christian just engages him and keeps the conversation rolling.
My men. I've long since abandoned my fishing rod and have planted my ass in the camping chair Christian thoughtfully brought for me. I'll get lunch out in a few minutes but right now, I'm going to close my book and watch the two men in my life fish and talk and act like little boys each time one gets a tug on the line.
"That one's a beauty. Phew, had to fight hard for that one." They stand with their hands on their hips admiring a string of dead trout, pointing and grunting in a language I think only men understand. "We'll eat well tonight!" Ray says before slapping his hand onto Christian's back. I see him wince but Rays hand doesn't linger and neither does Christian's panic.
"Come on, Annie, let's show your man here how well you can gut and scale a fish."
A full hour and countless curses later the fish are cleaned and marinating in a garlic infused olive oil. After a shower Ray finds me with a cup of tea in the library enjoying a moment alone. This room really is my idea of heaven.
"I knew I'd find you in here. When I got the tour this morning, Christian introduced this room as, 'Ana's library'." He chuckles and sits with his own mug of coffee, resting his head back. "I'm happy for you, baby. You deserve all the good things coming your way."
"Did you ever date after mom?" Sputtering he sits up and looks at me.
"Well that was out of left field." I grin and blow on hot tea.
"You're chatty today, I want to take advantage of it." He reaches out and squeezes my knee affectionately making me feel like a nine year old again.
"Yes, I did. Nobody serious but there were a few I saw more than once. Then you moved back in and I was focused on getting you better." He shoots a warning look at my frown. "Don't you dare Anastasia Steele, I wouldn't trade a minute of our time so just stop with the guilt now. Anyway, I had someone last year for a few months but she moved to Michigan for grad school."
"Grad school? How old was she?" I'm doing all I can to hide the shock but he laughs anyway and leans back.
"42. She went back to school to be a doctor. Pretty courageous if you ask me but two thousand miles is a long way to commute so we called it off. We talk every now and then but until she moves back, it's got to be the way it is."
"What's her name?"
"Now that would be telling. With your boyfriends stealthy abilities to find anyone, anywhere, I'm not offering information up." Just then Christian walks in and claps his hands together.
"Ready?"
"Oh god for what now? Are you going to make me hunt or something?" Both guys stand and look at me gravely.
"Welch is calling in with the investigations findings. I know you don't want to be left out but I think maybe you should sit this one out."
"No, I'm coming. This is about me and I want to know." Ray rests his arm on my shoulders and pulls me in to kiss my temple.
"He's right, Annie. You may not want to hear some of this. Let us filter the information and tell you what you need to know."
"Noted and no. Now let's go." While we wait for Welch to call and settle into the office I do my very best to calm the storm inside me. I am seriously debating being here for this but if I can't handle it, I'm afraid I'll forever be shielded from things. After my conversation with Christian about being left out I feel like I have to follow it up by being here but as we wait, the room gets smaller, the walls begin to pulse and my head begins to pound.
"Ana?" In an instant Christian is next to me on his knees, sweeping me up and walking me back upstairs to the library. "I'm making a judgment call here. You are not sitting in on this conversation. I will fill you in when I feel you can handle it but you are going to sit here and drink more tea and eat another biscuit. I'll send Carmella up shortly. Do not leave this room and do not argue with me."
CPOV
I knew I made the right decision by not telling her Sunday night. I'm pissed that I didn't listen to my instincts and deny her access to this call. I should have known she couldn't handle it and just dealt with the fallout from her instead of watching her fall apart. Damn it!
"Now she knows." Is all Ray says when I walk back into the office and slam the door. Fuck! "Welch is on the line."
"What'd they find out?"
"Well, it's a bit much to take in. He was living in a storage unit in Kirkland under the name of Jack Steele." Mother fucker. "He's had it for about three months now, from the dates provided it appears as if he rented it the day after Ms. Steele began working with him." My knees give out as clarity creeps in. He had planned this all along, from day one. And she was unprotected for close to a month.
"The unit had no electricity so he operated it off of batteries but it was livable with a single bed and camping toilet. Scumbag. Anyway, they sent me pictures of it, I've sent them on to you but I warn you, Sir, it's quite disturbing." With one hand I reach for the computer and start it up.
"Keep going, I'm waiting for the computer."
"There were numerous clippings and pictures as you'll soon see and a few videos of her taken as recently as her last Pilates class. All were taken from a far distance, no doubt because it was impossible for him to get close to her with the security around her." I offer up a silent prayer of gratitude. "His unit was clean other than that. The car, however, offered the most information and is still being processed but overall, the investigators feel that they got the most important information already."
"Hold on, the photos are loading." Ray stands behind me and tenses as pictures of Hydes cave of a storage unit pull up. The bed is neatly made with a military blanket and there's a suitcase under it where I assume he kept his clothes. In the left corner is a small camping stove and cooler. But none of that matters, it's the walls that have me fighting myself. I could tear him apart and I'd enjoy every single drop of blood that fell.
Hundreds of pictures of my girl hang on the wall in various sizes. Some are close ups of her eyes or her lips, a few of her groin and a slew of her chest. And there, in the center of the wall next to the bed are blow ups of the fucking pictures from the Pilates website. Yet another time I didn't force my instinct on her and now this bullshit happens. I can feel Rays anger behind me as he studies the same visual and I'm grateful he's here. If he weren't, I'd rip this room to shreds.
A lot of the photos are taken before I met her and I only know that because I know her every move since that night. The fear steals the breath right out of my lungs until Ray lays his hand on my shoulder and reminds me that she's safe and he's caught.
"A lot of the photos are media pictures from various websites and magazines. There are handfuls taken with a traditional camera as well. We also found unmailed missives to her and another wash cloth." Ray looks at me but I wave him off, I'll explain later.
"In his car they found his laptop which contains hundreds of hardcore porn videos, all featuring extremely rough sex along with ones that he made himself. Of the five women that we know about, there appears to be two more, both clearly under duress. The investigators are trying to track them down now since our girls won't cooperate."
"There was a journal listing out all of the things he knew about Ms. Steele. Those things ranged from her love of sushi to her apparent love of the color blue. There was also a section dedicated to her daily activities which at first are filled with things and then suddenly drop off once you were made aware of his presence."
Ray clasps my shoulder again and then walks to the window with his hands in his pocket. I feel numb, disjointed, almost like I'm watching myself and hearing all of this as a third party. If I hadn't met her…if he hadn't called that night…if she had refused me…
"What did you just say?" Welch stutters and backtracks as my brain struggles to focus on the words.
"He also had a taser, a hunting knife and directions to your home in Aspen." Ray makes his way back to the desk to inquire as to what happens next but I don't care. I just want to hold my girl and hire twenty more men to keep her safe.
"He's being moved to the Washington State Penitentiary on Thursday. The FBI have taken over the investigation as of this morning at 10am since he crossed state lines with criminal intent."
"That's good news."
"Not really, not for us at least. Once they're involved, we're squeezed out. Chief Collins will be given information but it will be partial. I'm working on establishing an inside source at the Bureau but I need to know what jurisdiction will be assigned so we sit tight until then."
"Is that it?" Ray's pacing, hands fisted by his sides but Welch is done and we disconnect. Both of us make our way to the library where Ana is lying down with her arm over her eyes. Ray reaches her first but only because I let him. Where do I fit in amongst this? If she were my wife, I would be number one in her life, I'd be the one to hold her first. It would be my right. Ray kisses her forehead affectionately and says something softly in her ear. She gives a small laugh and kisses his cheek. I feel like an outsider until Ray stands and shakes my hand with a direct stare to my eyes.
He tries to say something but can't and walks out to the guest room down the hall.
"Ana?" She looks up at me and closes her eyes.
"I have a bad headache again." I grit my teeth against the anger threatening to erupt inside. He did this, even behind bars he terrorizes her.
"Come here, baby." She shuffles into my arms and I cradle her against my chest and carry her to the bed, tucking her under the blankets. "Did you take anything yet?"
"Mmm. Carmella gave me two Advils." Her cloudy green eyes find mine and swim with tears unshed. "Stay with me, just a few minutes and then I'll be fine."
"Whatever you need, Ana. I told you, anything you need you can ask me for." My hand strokes her face reverentially. There will always be threats against me, that I can live with. But having her in my life means that she will always be subjected to danger. Seeing her like this, tiny and afraid begs the question; if I really loved her, could I ever ask her to live a life like this? A life without Ana is no life at all but can I ask her to give up the life she knows to share one with me?
"Christian?"
"Hmm?"
"I don't want you to tell me anything, ok? I just want you to answer one question."
"Alright."
"Will he ever get out?"
"No, Ana. And if he does, I will find a way to put him back in." And if I can't, I will do whatever it takes to keep him away from you no matter how dark. "He will never hurt you or any other woman again." She smiles against my chest and wiggles closer.
"I feel better already." I sit halfway up and raise my eyebrows at her.
"You do?"
"Yes, I've got you and my dad here and I know that I'm safe." We lay in silence a few minutes more and then make our way to the kitchen where Ray has poured him and me a double shot of 30 year old Brora Scotch. He lifts the tumbler in salute and shoots it back, I do the same and then pour another for each of us.
"Well deserved." He grits out through the burn.
After promising Carmella we'll be back soon, I finally pull Ana away from the Aspen house and back onto the plane. As enjoyable as Ray's company is, I'd much rather be making love to her in the bedroom right now. This was not a well thought out plan on my part. She's happy though, playing Crazy Eights with her dad while I catch up on some things in the office. Her laughter fills the space bringing with it freedom. As long as I can keep her laughing, she can't be crying.
My helicopter pilot will fly Ray home from Sea-Tac to avoid making two stops by plane. Ana, of course, offers to have him sleep at her place but just knowing that Carla is going to be in the city tomorrow has him looking for the quickest way out.
"Ana, don't let your mother get in your head." Ray holds her face in one hand and kisses her forehead before climbing in Charlie Tango and taking off. She looks forlorn until I suggest root beer floats at home with a movie.
"Really? You don't have a load of work waiting?" I do but she doesn't need to know that.
"If making love to you is a load of work then yes." She rolls her eyes earning her a light smack on her ass and then jumps into my arms, wrapping her legs around me.
"I had a really great time with you. Thank you for surprising me with my dad, that was unbelievably sweet of you." She kisses me on the walk to the car and stays on my lap even while Taylor navigates the airport and pulls onto the highway.
"Buckle up, Ana." At home she does the same thing, wrapping her legs and letting me carry her into the apartment. She needs me.
"Forget the movie, take me to bed and make love to me, Christian." A brisk walk from elevator to master bedroom is about 35 seconds for me. I make it in eight.
APOV
"What are you doing?" Christian steps out of the car to the flashes of two lingering cameramen and buttons his navy pinstripe suit before shaking the sleeves down. God he's beautiful.
"Walking you to your office."
"Why?" I don't mind, it's just strange but as soon as I ask it, the answer comes to me. Matt Smith starts today.
"Altitude sickness can linger. I don't want you getting dizzy in the elevator." To the second floor. OK. I'll play along.
"Aren't you sweet? I'm sorry I won't be at GEH today, I'm bummed I'll miss lunch but I really need to get Matt sorted and clear up a few backlogged written translations." His black Ferragamo shoes click in the lobby attracting attention from every female in mating distance. They all stop moving and watch as he walks onto the open elevator and motions for me to follow.
"Hi Missy, Matt, welcome, I'm so glad to have you here." Matt steps forward and smiles, shaking my hand again, a benign and minute contact that has Christian tensing next to me. "My boyfriend, Christian Grey. Christian, Mr. Matthew Smith, he'll be our main point of contact for most of the southern Asian languages."
The men shake hands and as hard as Christian tries, Matt seems oblivious to the territorial marking going on right now. After a beat he leaves, kissing me in a very unprofessional manner that has me almost begging him for a fuck and duck but his day is busy with meetings, one of which he is going to be late for just because he had to walk me in.
The day passes by in a blur punctuated only by my mother calling to tell me she was boarding her flight from Georgia. I'm dreading introducing her to Christian. The man isn't exactly known for his tact or his ability to play nice and my mother is already on his 'fuck off' list.
He calls nine times over the course of the day and each time he attempts to nonchalantly figure out where Matt is in reference to me. This is a situation that I need to take care of immediately before it gets out of hand. Jealousy I can do. My boyfriend so afraid of something happening that he interrupts his meetings to call me? No good.
By the time I get to Pilates my nerves are shot. Christian is meeting with Flynn right now which helps a bit but between my mom coming, my impending Krav class and the fact that I'll be sleeping alone in my apartment for the first time in weeks, I'm on edge and my stomach is in knots. Sawyer glances back on the short drive to the dojo and pulls me to the side once we're in the sparring room.
"Ms. Steele, are you feeling well?" My shoulders slump and I press the balls of my palms into my eyes to help alleviate the pressure.
"Not really. I feel sick again and this freaking headache is still lingering. Speaking of which, do you have a few Advil's?" Once he hands them to me he steps out to make a call, no doubt to Christian, and then reenters without his button down on.
The man is huge. Ginormous. The white tank he has on has to be an extra large and it's still tight around his shoulders.
"Ah, Mr. Sawyer, you will join us today. Very good. Ana, begin. Mr. Sawyer, you will watch and mimic while I tell you what it is you are doing."
This tactic works well for me since it takes my attention off of my own mind and focuses it squarely on my movements since they are being used as an example. Sawyer stops every five minutes to check in with Prescott but returns each time to continue working. It feels weird to workout with him but oddly, I also feel stronger. He's learning from me.
Taylor informed Eyal of Hyde's arrest and as such I have been granted a reprieve. Not because he feels I should have one but because my boyfriend has pretty much threatened his life should I leave here in tears again. Eyal and Sawyer and even me personally has explained to Christian the purpose of his exercises but it doesn't matter. He does not want me crying anymore. Next week I'll fight him on it but this week I just can't.
Before Sawyer can put his button down back on I stop him.
"Can I see it? Do you mind?" He purses his lips and holds the hem of his tank.
"I don't want to upset you but I realize you need this. I don't know why but you do." He lifts his shirt to reveal an angry, jagged, purplish scar that begins under his left rib cage and ends at the top of his hip. The air rushes out of my lungs when I brush it with one fingertip.
For me. This is for me. He will forever carry around a physical reminder of that night because of me.
I don't say anything because I can't speak past the ball in my throat or the roil in my gut. Instead I reach down and hand him his shirt, turning to thank Eyal and then waiting for Sawyer.
"I'm sorry, Luke." He shrugs into his shirt and holds his hands still at the second button.
"Never, ever apologize to me for something that you had no role in. I went into this job eyes wide open. You have nothing to do with this. Do you understand, Ana?" I know he's serious and sincere. He called me Ana.
"Don't tell Mr. Grey I asked to see it, ok? He freaks out when he thinks I'm upset." He snorts loudly.
"No worries, there. I'm not paid to keep secrets from him but when it comes to my ass, this is one secret I'm just fine keeping between us."
In the car Prescott informs me that my mother is en-route to the restaurant and that Ryan reported no issues with her flight. I still can't believe she's here. How many times did I ask her, beg her to come and there was always a reason. But this time she offered to come. Her motives are suspect at best and if I hadn't already thought so, Kate made sure to inform me.
Christian is waiting in his suit in a private room off the lobby of the building and comes out to greet me, glancing around before bending me backwards for a kiss.
"It was a long day to not be with you, Ana. It sucked not seeing you at lunch." I'm grateful for the long elevator ride since it gives us a chance to talk privately before sitting. "How was your day? How did your new employee work out?"
"It was good, crazy busy but that's a good thing. He did great, translated his first tourism brouchure today into Tamil and figured out the copier/printer/scanner/fax/space ship that has eluded Missy and I for six months."
He smiles but it doesn't touch his eyes. "Christian." I start and run my hand over his hair, tugging slightly at the back until I know he's listening. "There is no one but you. No man will ever take your place. I'm not super keen on you working with beautiful women day in and day out but I know that this is part of life. The same way you ask me to trust you, I ask you to trust me. There is no way in hell I'd betray you." He breathes out and holds the back of his neck grinning.
"That obvious, huh?"
"Glaringly so."
"I'll work on it but I don't want him alone in your office with the door shut and I don't want you going on any business trips with him either." It takes a considerable amount of willpower to not tell him to fuck off and let me run my company but I keep quiet and instead grab his hand when the doors open.
The hostess leads us to a private round table towards the back and returns with a pre-approved bottle of Merlot, my mom's favorite. How he knew, I don't know and I don't want to know.
"Are you nervous?"
"To meet your mom? No. To face a woman whom I hung up on, twice and told off, twice?" He grins and sips. "Apprehensive. Not nervous. I don't do nervous, baby." Sure.
"Mr. Grey, your guest has arrived." Both Christian and I stand and watch my mom make her way to the table. She looks the same, a little older but overall she looks great. Small in frame with long dirty blond hair and a small waist that she's accentuated with a skinny gold belt she could be my sister. She smiles and waves at me excitedly and then slows down when she looks at the man standing next to me. She's as taken with him as every other woman is.
"Anastasia!" Her arms grip me tightly and we sway in the way that only women do, wiping a tear from each other's face on a laugh. "You're all grown up! Look at you, with a boyfriend no less!" Her eyes turn to Christian who smiles and leans in to kiss her cheek and shake her hand.
"Mrs. Adams, I'm glad we get to meet face to face."
"Oh, please, call me Carla. Mrs. Adams makes me feel old and reminds me that I'm married. Two things I could do without."
"Are you and Bob splitting up?" It wouldn't surprise me, this is her fourth marriage at only 41 years old.
"What? No, of course not." Oh, ok.
"Shall we?" Christian motions for us to sit, pulling out my mom's chair and then motioning for the waiter to pour more wine.
"So this restaurant is yours?" He nods. "What else do you own here in Seattle? Do you have anything in Savannah?"
"Most of my acquisitions are shipping and telecommunications companies and no, nothing in Savannah though there is some property there we've looked at for some time now."
"You'll have to come out and visit us then! I may be a North Westerner but I've learned how to make a damn fine sweet tea!"
Once dinner is ordered we fall into a comfortable conversation that centers around her and Bob, their friends and families and her work. Christian does his best to listen and god bless him, act interested but the whole thing is so surreal to me that I'm anxious to leave and separate them.
"So, Carla, tell me about a young Anastasia."
"Oh, baby girl, someone who says your full name, I love it! I could never understand why she preferred to be called Ana when she had such a lovely name."
"A beautiful name for a beautiful woman." He reaches out and lays his hand on mine while my mother swoons and orders a glass of port with her chocolate ganache cake.
"Anyway, Anastasia as a little girl is a lot like Anastasia now. Quiet, reserved, curious but too shy to ask questions. A good kid overall and very precocious. Kind of a wall flower. A bookworm, a bit nerdy but that's ok, right sweetheart!"
He rests his hand on my thigh. The warmth is comforting and makes me painfully aware that soon I'll be sleeping alone in my bed while he's alone in his. It seems…wrong.
"Interesting, that's nothing like she is now and you forgot to mention exceptionally smart. I've never met anyone who can speak as many languages as she can. She's quite the business woman too." She obviously crossed some sort of line in the sand because though she's not aware of the shift between them, I most certainly am. If she weren't my mother, he'd have thrown the table over already.
"Sure, sure. Smart as a whip. She gets that from her daddy along with her coloring. Well, except for those eyes, those are all from me." Like she does anytime she speaks about my father she tears up, dabbing her eyes with the napkin and excusing herself.
The minute she leaves to go to the restroom Christian pounces.
"Have you changed your mind about staying at your apartment?" For the first time all evening he seems on edge and I wonder if he's afraid of his nightmares returning. He's not had one since we started sharing a bed but I've seen the effect they have on him and it's terrifying.
"I haven't but I'm looking forward to Friday night. Do you think you can manage for two nights?" I'm teasing and trying to keep it light but he doesn't find it funny in the least. Instead he levels his eyes at me and withdraws his hand from my knee.
"No, Ana. I don't." My mom returns then with a flourish, making a show about putting on her wrap and taking Christians bent arm to be led to the elevator.
"Do you think the paparazzi will be outside? I'd hate to be caught in a picture." Bullshit, I can practically smell her excitement at being photographed with Christian. "Thank you so much for dinner, Christian. God knows I would have suffered Ana's cooking but this was incredible." His head snaps back, his whole body turning once the elevator doors close.
"Have you had her cooking lately?" My mother blanches at his tone and shakes her head. "Then you shouldn't put it down, she's quite talented in the kitchen." His eyes don't soften again until we reach the car, sans paparazzi, and he opens my door leaning against the top of the frame with a sigh.
"I'll see you in the morning at the office?"
"Yes, I have Dr. Fischer first and then I'll be in but only until lunch. I'm taking mom to the Museum of Glass of all places and then we're going to have dinner at the Space Needle." He pouts and tucks a stray curl behind my ear.
"I wanted to take you there."
"Next time." Our parting kiss is soft and gentle and his hand surprisingly stays on my hip the entire time. Taylor offers a curt nod in our direction before climbing in, signaling to Sawyer to follow us. With every turn of the tires I feel more and more wrong, like I should be driving to Escala and not to my apartment. My mom chatters on about the plane ride, complaining about the food and the flight attendant who flirted with the guy in the next seat.
While Prescott does a sweep of the parking lot and lobby, Sawyer stands at the car, four feet from where he fought Jack, scanning over and over. I wish I had his bravery.
"This is it!" I say with a flourish, flicking on lights and giving her the grand tour. I'm proud of my accomplishments and am thrilled to show them off to her. She takes it all in with a genuine smile and plops herself on the couch when I'm finished with a glass of wine.
"You've done well, honey. I'm glad to see those years of college weren't a waste!" We chink our glasses and sip in silence. "Tell me how you met Christian."
She listens carefully, laughing at parts and frowning at others. His hiring of Sawyer to keep me safe annoys her even after I explain that had he not been there, something really bad could have happened. She brushes it all off with a flick of her wrist.
"Oh you know men, they like to throw their weight around. You would have gotten him to stop eventually, didn't Ray make you take karate or something?" Shock. That would be the best word for the way I'm feeling. Shock that she's not outraged or upset or concerned. Shock that she thinks the attack was just Hyde 'being a man'. Shock that she thinks it ridiculous that I have protection after everything that's happened.
"I need a CPO, mom." She gives me her best 'oh come on' face and drops her hands in her lap.
"Ana, who's going to want to harm you? Really? So people want to take pictures of you, big freaking deal."
"Mom, he wanted to harm me, the guy in prison now! He wanted to rape and kidnap me and probably kill me! I'm grateful for the CPO's I have." Her eyes widen in disbelief.
"He tried to rape you? And take you?"
"Yes! How do you not know this! I thought Ray was filling you in on everything!" I'm so hurt that she has no idea and she can blame Ray all she wants but she never took the initiative to find out on her own anyway. Clearly, she didn't give a damn. How did I not see this coming? In an attempt to take the heat off of her obvious disinterest she changes the subject, leaving me reeling with confusion.
"Have you seen Ray since all of this happened?"
"Yea, he drove 37 straight hours from a fishing trip in Mexico to be with me right after the attack and then Christian flew him to Aspen yesterday to spend the day with us." He drove 37 straight hours and you could barely call!
"Christian flew him to Aspen? Wow, that must have been nice. Does he have his own plane?" This is the conversation we're having instead of, 'hey daughter, blood of my blood, bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh, I'm so sorry someone tried to hurt you. Are you ok?'. My lips move and my voice answers but in my head I'm 14 with a bloody nose laying on a bed while she plays a game of deflection.
"Yes, it's big. I'm tired, mom, do you mind if I turn in?"
"No, of course not, it's past midnight in Georgia, I'm tuckered out. Will I see your friend Kimberly this trip?" I snort. My best friend and she doesn't know her name.
"Kate, mom, her name is Kate and no, you won't be seeing her."
In bed, thank you for dinner, that wasn't so bad, was it? I miss you.
-Wish I was with you. In my office. It was fine. I miss you as well-
It feels wrong to be here and you be there.
-It is wrong, Ana. We belong together.-
I know. Did you check your pillow yet?
-Heading there now to see, sleep tight-
CPOV
I walk as quickly as I can without running to the bed and find a note written on a length of silver ribbon laid out in a heart.
You make the world better
My time with Flynn today was spent focusing on two things. My rage and dealing with it in reference to Jack motherfucking Hyde and the daily affirmations Ana gives to me. I'd not told him about them before but was forced to when she called to ask me a question when we were getting ready to start.
"I notice that you have a new screen saver on your phone." I'd thrown it on the low coffee table in between our chairs without thinking. Curious fuck that he is he read it and couldn't help but ask about it.
"Ana has a daily ritual. She writes out something she finds redeeming about me and makes me repeat it to her. It's corny as hell but I'm not going to lie, I look forward to them everyday."
"And this one, how did it come about?"
"I flew her dad to visit yesterday and we all went fishing. She must have taken my phone when I was distracted because she'd reset the home screen to this image."
"Read it to me please."
You are a good listener
"And she wrote that in the sand on the shoreline?"
"Yes."
"Clever girl. What else has she written you?" As I recited them from memory, including the ones she had me come up with on my own, he wrote them down and then asked me to think less about the words and more about why Ana chose them.
"She loves me and doesn't see me as the fuck up that I am but instead she sees me how she wants me to be."
"No, try again, Christian." I have no idea why she thinks some of these things. There are a few I've come to believe and one I know is true but a lot of them are things I've never seen in myself. Kindness? Sweetness? Gentleness? Hardly.
"Maybe she has a warped sense of who I am, I don't fucking know. Why are we focusing on this?"
"Because what she's doing is genius and I'd like to expound on it. She sees things in you that you don't and then forces you, without nagging, to read and repeat them. I'd like to work on getting you to accept them now. Pick one to start with."
"You have a big dick." He laughs, sputters and leans forward at my unexpected joke and then straightens up without making eye contact. Even I laugh at his reaction.
"Well, good for you. And for her. Now, pick another."
"Fuck, really? Are we really going to do this?" Typical Flynn he sits there silent and staring, tapping his pencil on his yellow lined paper and waits. "God I hate when shrinks do that silent bullshit. It doesn't work. Fine, I make her feel safe."
"You are protective, let's reword it and start there." And for 35 long ass minutes we speak about how my protection over the ones I love makes me a better person. How it shows empathy, sympathy and highlights the value I place on life itself. At the end of the session I'm loath to admit that I see his point, delving into the why has changed my perspective. I don't believe it yet, but I don't not believe it either.
I work until close to three in the morning. There's a lot of catching up I need to do and sleeping so well lately has given me the energy I need to push for so many hours. I would be lying if I didn't feel trepidation about sleeping alone though.
I've analyzed my conversation with Carla and the way that Ana's body seems to shrink in her presence. She's a good looking woman but her baggage about relationships and her interaction with her own daughter are hideous. She made no mention of her absence after the attack and seemed more interested in bullshit than in how Ana was doing. I can't recall one question she had for Ana that had any substance to it at all. It's a sobering thought that makes me think of my own mother and the sacrifices she's made for me and my siblings.
At three in the morning my body finally gives up and I sleep in the center of the bed so that I can smell her. When the alarm wakes me at six I'm wrapped around her pillow and totally on her side of the bed but I wake from a nightmareless sleep. Progress, I chant on my eight mile run with Taylor. Progress.
"C-what's up, bro?"
"You have plans tonight?"
"Nothing I can't cancel. What's up?"
"I thought we could shoot some hoops and watch the game. Ana's out with her mother and I wanted to run something by you."
"Time and place and I'm there."
"GEH gym at six. We can grab some beers and wings at that bar we went to on my birthday, I'll have Taylor sweep it on our way over."
"Cool, see you later then." Elliot and I have hung out a few times over the years but this is the first time I've initiated it. It feels strange but his eagerness makes me feel good about it. Ana will be proud when I tell her.
"Sir, Ms. Steele is on her way up." My feet fly underneath me to greet her when she gets off the elevator. One night apart and I feel the chaos of her absence already. How I lived without her for so long is a mystery to me.
From the elevator to her desk top takes us less than 14 seconds. From dressed to being inside her takes less than one minute. The relief is immediate and it's not the physical release that I'm comforted by, it's the mere existence of her in my space. We're a disheveled mess of half removed clothes and tangled limbs but we lay together anyway, her legs wrapped around my hips, the upper half of my body draped over hers on her desk panting as we catch our breath.
"How was your night?" The words run over me and stroke me to respite. Her hair is tickling my nose but I don't move, this feels too good.
"No nightmares if that's what you're asking. To be fair, I fell asleep somewhere around three and woke at six to run with Taylor."
"I thought you met with Bastille?"
"I did that too while you were with Dr. Fischer. How did that go?" She tenses and then lays flat, covering her eyes with her arms.
"She thinks we need to stop having sex until I can process all of the information coming at me." What the fuck!
"She's fucking fired then. That's ridiculous, Ana! Don't tell me you're considering it?" She blows out and wiggles from underneath me, grabbing tissues to clean us up.
"No, I'm not." She bites her bottom lip and looks at me, hesitating enough that I motion for her to continue. "I told her about your previous lifestyle and the fact that I was a virgin and after she came out of her shock she listened as I told her my…insecurities and hesitations. She suggested that sex to you seemed like a form of communication, which I agree with, and that perhaps we should find other ways since it's so new to me."
"So she just wants you to stop having sex? Just like that?" Inside I'm panicking. There is now way I can keep myself from her. $400 dollars an hour and THIS is what her suggestion is? Bullfuckingshit.
"Not in totality but yes, she thinks that you rely on sex too much and that we, as a couple, need to work on building a foundation that incorporates all of the elements of communication." More talking? I've talked more in the last few weeks than my entire life combined.
"I want to tell her about Elena. She asked how it was that you got into the lifestyle and I didn't answer her. She thinks that part is important."
"Why are your therapy appointments about me? This sounds like a witch hunt."
"It's not like that Christian. You're the single most important person in my life and being with you has thrust a lot of my own issues into the forefront. Not because you made it that way but because I've never had to evaluate my own worth in the context of a relationship." She bites her bottom lip again and twists her hands until her knuckles are white.
"I'm not explaining it right." She pinches her nose and scrunches her face. "She thinks maybe it would be good for you to come in with me so that we can navigate this together." I want to rant and rave and tell her no fucking way is she even going back but then I stop and pull back a bit to look at her.
"You've been crying." She nods and sits at her desk. You asshole. You fucking asshole. She was crying but you didn't stop to even notice, you just dragged her in here like a caveman and fucked her like a whore without so much as a 'how are you'?
"I'm sorry, baby. I didn't know." I'm disgusted. How did I not notice?
"I'm fine, Christian, please don't beat yourself up about this. If I didn't want to do what we just did I would have said so. I wanted to feel you inside me, I needed it." Thank fuck it's not just me. "Will you at least consider going to see Dr. Fischer with me?"
"Ana, I will do anything you need but if that woman tells me to stop having sex with you, I am going to go nuclear on her."
Her giggle lightens the mood a bit but then it plummets when her hands twist in her lap again.
"They're moving him today."
"Yes, they are. He's in a van being followed by an FBI agent and he's being driven by two police officers. You are safe, Ana. Look at me." She looks up and attempts a smile. "You are safe."
"Is that why you have Reynolds on me along with Sawyer and Prescott? Because you were afraid he's get out?"
"No. I'm confident he's not going to escape and I'm assured he'll be held without bail. I have extra security because your mom is in town and you'll be out and about." That's not entirely true but she doesn't need to know that. Andrea buzzes in to let me know that my appointment is here and I stand to go, pulling her up with me.
"Have fun with your mother today, Ana and whatever happens, remember that you are very much loved."
"Back at ya, Grey. You are very much loved and not just by me. Are you going to be in the office all day?" I nod and look at her skeptically.
"Why?"
"Oh no reason, I just wanted to make sure. If you get a delivery from me, make sure you don't let Andrea or Jacqueline open it, ok?" I nod like an idiot while the possibilities rush through my head. Package, Ana, private. Hell yea.