When Ford and Daniel and I got home, I recognized the extra truck parked in the driveway as belonging to Kenny. He and Guthrie
were coming down the front steps, and Kenny had the smallest dog from our dog rescue in his arms.
Ford lifted Clarence out, and set him on the ground, and immediately Warrior and Jethro came over to sniff him, and make friends.
As we met up halfway across the yard, Kenny said a general hello to all three of us.
"Hey, Kenny," Ford greeted him.
"Hey, Ford."
Kenny looked at me. "Hi, Harlie."
"Hi."
When nobody else said anything, Guthrie spoke up.
"Kenny's gonna take the little one home today," he offered into the ensuing silence.
"That's good," I said dully.
I'm not the smartest, or the most intuitive person, but I could tell by the way that Kenny was standing there, watching
me, looking all serious and sad, that he wanted to say something to me. Something sympathetic. Something kind.
And I didn't want to hear it. To prevent him from saying it, I said, "Bye, Kenny," and walked quickly up the front steps.
Daniel followed me up on the porch, holding the door open for me.
"The kid likes you," he said.
I shrugged. "I guess."
"He's a good kid, isn't he?"
"He's nice," I said. I shrugged again. "It's just out of my thinking right now. Dating, I mean." I looked at Daniel.
He nodded. "I get it," he said.
Ford came bounding up the steps behind us. "What's for lunch?" he demanded, in a general way. "I'm starving."
We went into the kitchen where the family was assembled at the table, eating sandwiches, and what looked like potato
soup.
Adam stood up as we came in. "Hey," he said in greeting, and looked at me with concern.
"Doin' alright?" he asked me.
"I'm okay," I said, going to the sink to wash my hands.
When I turned around, from drying my hands, it was to see the looks being exchanged between Daniel and Adam. I knew it
was Adam's way of finding out the truth of how I'd really held up, going to Doc G's house.
"It wasn't easy for her," Daniel was saying quietly.
I sighed. There were no secrets in the McFadden household. Any minute now, and everybody would know I'd spent
most of the time there upchucking over the railing, because I couldn't take it.
But Daniel didn't reveal that. Ford didn't, either. They both washed their hands and sat down in their chairs, reaching for
bowls and bread. I sat down, too, scooting my chair up to the table, as Hannah reached over to pat my hand. She gave me a
smile of understanding, but didn't say anything.
"How's Isaac?" I asked.
"He's just fine," Hannah said, practically beaming. "I think we'll take him to church next Sunday."
"If it's not too cold out," Adam corrected, from his end of the table.
Hannah rolled her eyes. "Yes, Adam," she said, and there were some chuckles around the table.
7
That afternoon, I took Doc G's date book out of my jacket pocket, and tucked it into one of my dresser drawers, under
all my socks. After that I went out to do my chores, and then took over for Hannah with Isaac so she could rest awhile, and
do some things upstairs. I was sitting on the floor, leaning against the couch, and holding him on my lap when
Adam came in. He looked distracted, and was ruffling thru some papers on Crane's desk.
"Where's Hannah?" he asked me.
"Upstairs. She had some things to clean up."
Adam nodded in acknowledgement. "The baby stuff's taken over the bedroom."
I cradled Isaac in my hands, looking into his face. "He's changing so much every day."
"Yeah." Adam came to stand beside me. "It's pretty amazing, alright."
"Yeah, it sure is," I said, continuing to gaze at Isaac with love.
Adam sat down in the chair opposite me. "I've been wanting to talk to you about something."
I looked up at his serious face. "Is this about last night?"
Adam looked puzzled for a moment. "What about last night?" he asked.
Obviously, I'd stuck my foot in my mouth. I had no desire to remind Adam about how I'd hollered at him
and Brian.
"Nothing," I said hastily. "What did you want to talk to me about?"
"Daniel says you had a rough time today."
I sighed. "Some people can't keep quiet," I muttered.
Adam frowned, obviously not impressed. "The smart mouth's not necessary," he said. "And it just so happens that
Daniel didn't volunteer any information. I asked."
I felt my face warm in embarrassment. "Sorry," I said. I felt bad, for automatically assuming that Daniel would run
to anybody about what had happened.
"You know Daniel better than that," Adam said, continuing with his scolding.
"Yes," I admitted. "I do. I guess I'm feeling hyper-sensitive lately."
Adam nodded, and I waited.
"Bein' in Doc's house was pretty tough to take, huh?" he asked.
I met his intent gaze. "Yeah," I acknowledged.
Adam watched me with sympathy, obviously waiting for me to say more.
"It was-hearing Captain Jack talk, and Clarence-" I hesitated. "But-"
"But what?" he prompted me.
I raised the sleeping Isaac to rest against my chest. "Mostly it was because of Doc G's brains."
"Come again?" Adam asked, plainly stumped by my words.
"His planner thing. His date book. I found my name in there. He was going to take me somewhere
next weekend. At least I think that's what it meant."
"Oh," Adam said, sounding regretful. "I'm sorry, baby."
"Yeah," I said, my eyes filling with tears. "He said on the answering machine that he wanted to talk
to me about something. I keep wondering what it was."
"Maybe about where he wanted to take you to?" Adam suggested.
"I don't know. I think it was about something else, maybe. Now I'll never know what it was," I said, and
caught my breath on a sob.
Adam stood up. "Here," he said. "Let me take him." He leaned down and took Isaac from me, patting his
little back gently, and then walked over, laying him in the bassinet set up beside the couch.
Then he sat down on the end of the couch, taking me by the arm and tugging me up from my seat on the floor.
"Comere," he said, and I got to my feet, sitting down next to him.
Adam wrapped an arm around my shoulders, and tucked my head under his chin.
He didn't say anything for a few minutes, but just patted my back as if I was Isaac.
"I wish I knew what it was," I said. "I wish he was here to tell me-"
"I wish he was, too."
"I'll bet it was something good," I sniffed.
"I'd bet the ranch that it was," Adam said, in agreement.
We sat like that for a few minutes, in silence, with just the sound of the baby's breathing.
"Nobody will come down on you if you can't face the services," Adam said. "There's no shame to it."
I was surprised a little by that. When Guthrie had told me I'd have to get stronger, I'd told him that I
wouldn't go. Beyond that, and asking who was arranging things, I'd done everything I could to keep from thinking about the
actual funeral. I thought that Guthrie would not approve, for sure, if I didn't go. But I didn't say so.
"I don't know-"
Adam gave me another pat. "You can think about it. Just remember what I said, alright?"
"Okay. Thanks, Adam."
"You're welcome." He kissed the top of my head.
7
I pulled on a jacket, and went for a walk, wandering down the road aimlessly.
I did some thinking, like Adam had said. There was no putting it off. Doc G was going to be buried
the day after tomorrow, and I needed to make a decision. By the time I got back to the house, it was nearly dusk and Hannah was
standing on the front porch, a shawl over her shoulders, looking anxious.
"There you are," she said, as I came within hearing range. "I was getting worried."
"I'm sorry I worried you. I just needed some air.," I said, pausing on the step below her.
"I understand. I tell my brain that you and Guthrie aren't my babies anymore, but my heart just doesn't listen
sometimes."
In a sudden burst of emotion, I stepped up and hugged Hannah hard. "I don't mind being your baby for awhile longer," I
said.
"I'm glad to hear that."
I raised my face to look at her. "I'm sad, Hannah. I'm so sad!"
"What can I do to help you?" Hannah asked, her face full of shared pain.
"I don't know," I said, in honesty. "I don't know about anything right now."
Hannah gripped my arms in her hands. "We'll get thru it together," she said, sounding so fierce that she
reminded me of a mama lion.
7
I picked at my supper. Normally salad and fish sticks are among my favorites, but I just had no real appetite.
"Wanna go to a movie or somethin' tonight?" Guthrie asked me.
"No. Thanks, anyway, Guth."
After I'd helped clear the table, and Evan and Crane and I had done the dishes, I did my shot. Then I went to the living room
where everybody else was already gathered.
I sat down on the arm of the couch. I must have been fairly obvious, because Adam stopped talking to Crane and
said, "What's on your mind, sugar?"
" I thought about what you said earlier. About the-the funeral," I said, hesitating over the word. "I don't want to
go."
Something crossed Adam's face. I'm not sure what it was, but it was gone quickly. "Alright," he said.
I looked at Brian, who, I could tell by the expression on his face, didn't approve of what I'd said.
"I mean, I don't want to go, but I don't think that not going is the right thing, either," I went on.
"You still have a day to think about it," Crane offered.
"I know you said it was up to me," I said, looking at Adam. "But I'd like to know what you really think about it."
"I think in the long run it would help you to go," Adam said.
I looked towards the next seated brother. "Crane?"
"I think Doc G would understand, either way," Crane answered.
Brian, who had stayed quiet thus far, met my eye when I looked his way. "What do you think, Bri?" I asked.
"I think you should go," Brian said, without hesitation.
I nodded, and stood up. I was tired. It had been a long, emotionally charged day.
"I think I'll go up to take a shower and go to bed," I said. "Night, everybody."
A chorus of goodnights followed me up the stairs. When I came out of the shower, my curls springing everywhere,
Brian was waiting next to my bedroom door, leaning against the wall, a cup of something steaming in his hand.
"Let me guess," I said. "Hot milk, right?"
"Right."
I took the cup from him. "Thanks, Bri."
"You're welcome."
I looked up at him. "You sounded so certain downstairs. About me going to the funeral."
"I am certain about it."
"How come?" I asked.
"Well, like Adam said, it would help you in the long run. There's the closure, and all of that. But I think you'll regret
it later if you don't go."
"Why?"
"You want to honor Doc G, don't you?" he asked.
"Of course I do."
"Well, that's what a funeral is. A way to say goodbye, yeah. But by being there, it's also a way to show respect. To honor somebody
who was important in your life."
"Oh." I thought about what he'd said for a moment. "I do want to do that. Honor him. And show respect."
Brian looked thoughtful for a moment, and then he said, "There's a saying, peach. 'Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing, are the
same thing'."
I nodded, pressing my face into his side and giving him a hug.
7
I drank my hot milk, and then read for awhile, waiting for Guthrie to come up. I hadn't asked, and he hadn't said,
but I still thought he would come and take his spot on the floor.
And he did come, when I was on the third chapter of my new book that Crane had given me for Christmas. He had a bowl
of popcorn in one hand, and the box with the checkerboard and checkers in the other.
"Hey," he said. "Time to put up the book, so I can beat your socks off at checkers."
I laid the book aside. "Big talk for an elephant ears," I told him.
For the next hour we played several games of checkers. It was 3-1, in Guthrie's favor, of course.
Ford wandered in, and sat, straddled in my desk chair, watching for awhile.
When I finally gave up, conceding victory to Guthrie, he packed up the checkers, snickering.
"Don't you know that elephants can take hyenas, every single time?" he snorted.
"I let you win," I told him.
"Yeah, yeah. Want to play a game, Ford?" he asked.
"Nooo," Ford shook his head. "Not tonight."
"You're chicken, that's what," Guthrie said, setting the box of checkers on the floor.
"Whatever you have to tell yourself," Ford joked back.
I tucked my legs up under my chin, watching as Guthrie rolled out his sleeping bag.
"Goin' down to get some juice," Guthrie said, and went out the door of my room.
"I wish I had some itching powder, or somethin' to put in his sleeping bag," Ford said.
I shook my head at him. "You two are crazy."
We were quiet for a couple of minutes, and then I said, "When do you go back to college?"
Ford looked thoughtful. "What day is this?" he asked. "I'm all mixed up on the days."
"I am, too."
"Tomorrow's the 2nd, isn't it? I'm supposed to be back by the 10th."
"Oh." Just the thought of Ford and Daniel both leaving made me feel all unsettled and shaky inside.
"You'll be goin' back to school soon, too," Ford said.
"I don't want to think about it."
"Well, you'll have to," Ford said mildly. "And you've got your new class to think about, too."
I shook my head. "I'm not going to do the class. I wouldn't be able to concentrate. And it just doesn't seem important
anymore."
"Stayin' busy is the best thing," Ford said, in disagreement. "And it is important. Besides, I thought Crane already paid for it."
"He did," I said, with a sinking feeling. "But I'll pay him back."
Ford regarded me seriously. Adam sometimes says that Ford was born 'an old soul', and it's times like this that
I tend to agree with that statement.
I knew what he was thinking. Crane would not be happy. He was not going to simply take my decision without
question or argument.
I shrugged, not wanting to talk about it anymore. "I don't know. I'll see. I'll talk to Crane."
Ford nodded, and dropped the subject.
When Guthrie came back, Ford said goodnight and went out.
Guthrie snapped out the lights, and crossed the room in the dark.
"Dadgummit," he muttered.
"What's wrong?"
"I just spilled the popcorn that was left in the bowl."
"You're cleaning it up," I warned him.
"Not now, I'm not. In the morning, I will."
"Okay," I agreed.
After Guthrie had settled into his sleeping bag, we were both quiet for a few minutes.
"Thanks for playing checkers tonight," I said.
"No problem."
"For a little while I actually didn't think about it all. That was nice."
I heard Guthrie sigh. "I'm tryin' to help you, Har. I just don't know what to do."
"You are helping me," I assured him.
Guthrie was silent.
"I mean it, Guth. It's really helped me, you staying in here at night, and stuff. I don't think I could sleep, otherwise."
"It's alright," Guthrie said, and in typical McFadden style, tried to change the subject. Guthrie's not comfortable
with a lot of attention or thanks.
"I think Kenny's gonna call the little dog Rocky," he volunteered.
"That's a cute name."
"Yeah. He says his cousin might take a couple of the bigger dogs."
I was impressed by Guthrie's success at finding homes for the dogs. "Wow. You've done a great job, Guth."
"It's his cousin, Drake. I think it'll be a good home for them. I don't want you to worry about that."
"I wasn't worried. I trust you."
"Okay."
After a couple of minutes, Guthrie spoke up again. "Our money came from the county. For helping with the dogs."
"It did?"
"Yeah. They're checks we have to sign and take to the bank to cash. They're on Crane's desk."
We talked for awhile longer, each of us sharing memories of when we were little.
"Sometimes when I think about it, it's hard to believe. I mean, Brian was my age, when they started taking
care of all of us," Guthrie said.
I snuggled down under my quilt, thinking, too.
"It had to be horrible for them," I agreed.
"I hope I can do as well as them, at whatever I have to face in my life," Guthrie said, sounding thoughtful.
"I'm going to go to the funeral," I said quietly.
"That's good, Har. I'm glad."
A few minutes of silence passed again. Into it, I said, sleepily, "I hope I can do it."
Sounding just as tired as me, Guthrie said, "You'll be able to. I'll stay with you."
A few more minutes, and I suddenly remembered something that I'd wanted to ask Guthrie.
"Guthrie?"
No answer.
He'd gone to sleep.
7
In this chapter, during the conversation Brian and Harlie are having, the saying Brian shares with her, 'Sometimes the hardest thing and the right
thing, are the same thing', is borrowed from my faithful reviewer, Mogs! Thanks, Mogs!