Valkyrie Cain raised an eyebrow.

'You sneaked into my garden and hid in a bush all afternoon so you could offer me an orange?'

Caelan nodded eagerly.

'Caelan... that's not... that isn't right. That's not normal. That's not what normal people do.'

'With all due respect and adoration, Supreme Valkyrieness, you're not a normal person.'

'I'm relatively normal.'

'No, you're not.'

'Yes I am. Shut up.'

'Please, just eat the orange. It's a token of my everlasting love for you.'

'It's an orange. Listen, if you're going to stalk me, at least give me decent presents.'

The Monster Within snarled, and Caelan scowled. 'I bet Fletchichetchi never gives you presents this healthy... this rich in Vitamin C...'

'Don't say that!' Valkyrie hissed, looking around worriedly to see if anyone had heard.

'Don't say what?'

'The F word!'

'What F word? You mean fu - '

'No!' Valkyrie whispered. 'Fletchichetchi.'

'Why don't you want anyone to know about that?' Caelan suddenly perked up. 'Are you ashamed of him?'

'I'm not ashamed of him. It's just private, okay?'

'Why is it private?'

'It just is!'

'If you weren't ashamed of him, it wouldn't be private,' Caelan concluded triumphantly.

'I'm not ashamed of him! It's just an embarrassing nickname!'

'Right. Like Baked Valaska.'

'It's better than Torch.'

Caelan bristled. 'At least Torch actually has a symbolic meaning. You know, because you're the light in my darkness. Baked Valaska is just stupid.'

'It's not stupid, it's a clever play on words!'

'It's stupid. His hair is stupid.'

'His hair is not stupid. Well, okay, it is, but that's beside the point. Last Valentine's Day, he got me a bag of completely green Skittles because he knows the green ones are my favourite. It was the sweetest present anyone's ever given me.'

'Then you clearly have not been given many sweet presents.'

'You can't talk,' Valkyrie said, frustrated. 'You're giving me an orange.'

'They're better for you than Skittles.'

'Fletcher bought fourteen packets of Skittles and then spent eight hours picking all the green ones out of each packet and putting them all together to give to me for Valentine's Day, while you went to the supermarket and bought me an orange. What is so great about that? Why are you acting like you're so great? You're like, oh my God, I'm so romantic and sensitive, I got Valkyrie an orange! Like, get over yourself! It's an orange! And what if I don't even like oranges? I don't even like oranges! Why are so obsessed with me? Just leave me alone! Just go back into the shadows with your orange!'

'Please, calm yourself, my little marshmallow. You're getting unattractively red in the face. Also, how on earth did it take him eight hours just to pick out all the green Skittles from each packet? Is he colour-blind or something?'

'Stop insulting him. And stop waving that orange in my face. It smells funny, by the way. Of course it smells funny. You couldn't just get me a normal orange, oh no. Mr. Romantic and Sensitive had to get me a smelly orange.'

If Caelan had been capable of blushing, he would have. 'I bought it in a funny-smelling shop. Anyway, what did Pineapple Head do with all the other Skittles? The ones that weren't green?'

Valkyrie frowned, as if the thought hadn't occurred to her. 'He ate them, I guess. Why are we even talking about this? It's not important! Why do you care? Why do you care about the other Skittles? Are you going to set up some charity now, are you? Caelan's Society to Stop Skittle Discrimination? Oh my God, you make me so angry!'

'It's not the discrimination against the non-green Skittles that bothers me, it's the fact that he ate fourteen packets of Skittles presumably in one go. That's disgusting. Your boyfriend is disgusting. I bet it made him really hyper. I wouldn't like to see Pineapple Head after eating fourteen packets of Skittles.'

'Minus all the green ones.'

'I thought he'd put on weight.'

'Skittles don't make you fat. My boyfriend is not fat!'

'I never said he was,' said Caelan innocently. 'Will you please eat this orange?'

'Oh, go away, Caelan. I'm not in the mood. Anyway, like I said, it smells weird. Have you drugged it or something?'

'If I wanted to drug you, I'd spike your drink. It's not really possible to spike an orange.'

'Like you haven't tried.'

'I didn't try it at all! I don't want to drug you! I'd never hurt you, my sweet cherry-blossom of fragrant cuteness! But I'm not leaving until you take this orange.'

'Oh, God. Fine.'

Caelan beamed as he handed it over. His smile was such a strange and unsettling sight that Valkyrie ran back into her house and slammed the door.

'Farewell, dear Valkyrie,' Caelan murmured. 'The next time we meet, your judgement will be clouded by the sweet fruits of love. I shall be counting the minutes.'

He crept away.

Meanwhile, Valkyrie was up in her bedroom, staring suspiciously at her new orange. The skin was covered in little punctures, like someone had pricked it all over with a pin, and it definitely did smell strange. Like... sweat.

Ew.

'What is wrong with that guy?' she wondered aloud.

'What guy?'

Valkyrie jumped. 'Fletcher, what did I tell you about teleporting into my room suddenly and without permission?' she demanded.

'Sorry,' said Fletcher. 'I missed my Baked Valaska.'

She smiled. 'Aww. I missed you too, Fletchichetchi.'

'It seems like ages since the last time we saw each other.'

'I think it was two hours ago.'

'God, two whole hours? How did I survive?'

She giggled and flicked her hair like one of those popular blonde girls in movies, and he sat down beside her.

'What guy?' he asked again.

'Hmm?'

'When I came in, you were talking about some guy, saying there was something wrong with him... I was kinda worried you were talking about me.'

'Oh, yeah.' She picked up the orange from her desk. 'No, I was talking about Caelan. He gave me this orange.'

'Why?'

'I don't know. He hid in my garden and forced me to take it. He's so weird.'

'It looks yummy.'

'I doubt it's safe to - oh. Too late.'

Fletcher had already bitten into the orange.

'You peeled that pretty fast,' Valkyrie commented absentmindedly, but Fletcher didn't seem to be listening. His eyes had glazed over.

'Where's Caelan?' he asked in an unusually high-pitched, breathy voice.

'Um... I don't know,' said Valkyrie slowly. 'Probably back in his cage or something. Why?'

'I have to find him,' Fletcher declared, standing up.

'What?' said Valkyrie. 'Why?'

'I've just realized... he's so beautiful, Valkyrie...'

Valkyrie frowned. 'What are you on about?'

'I'm on about Caelan! I think I love him!'

'What? No! You love me!'

'Not anymore. Sorry, Baked Valaska, but Caelan is the one for me.'

'Fletcher, is this a joke?'

'I'd never joke about something so...' Fletcher took a deep breath. 'So intense... it's like there's a fire of passion burning inside me...'

'Fletchichetchi, you're scaring me...'

'I have to go, Val. I have to go find the love of my life.'

'Fletcher, wait - '

But he'd already disappeared.

Suddenly very tired, Valkyrie sank back onto her bed. If Fletcher didn't come back within three hours, she decided, she would go and find him. But in the meantime, she was having a nap.

Caelan was talking to his pet bats when the door to his lair flew open.

'Ah, my beloved,' he smirked without turning around. 'You have arrived.'

'I couldn't stay away,' said a husky voice from the doorway, and Caelan frowned.

This was not Valkyrie's voice. For one thing, it had a London accent. For another, it was male.

He turned around. Fletcher Renn was standing in the doorway.

'Oh Lord,' Caelan groaned.

'Hey, sexy,' said the Teleporter.

'Did you eat the orange?' Caelan asked.

'Yes and it was delicious,' said Fletcher, advancing on him. 'But you know what's more delicious?' He teleported right in front of Caelan, pinning him against the wall. 'You.'

'Please don't kiss me,' said Caelan.

Fletcher kissed him.

In a blind panic, Caelan reached into his pocket for his phone and speed-dialled a number. On loudspeaker, a voice was heard answering.

'Hello? Caelan?'

'Steve,' gasped Caelan, forcing his face away from Fletcher's. Fletcher started trying to pull off Caelan's shirt.

'What's wrong?'

'I need your help. Bring some of your... your product.'

'I'll be expecting payment.'

'I'll give it to you later, just come quick, it's an emergency.'

'Be right there,' said Steve and hung up.

Steve Smith, CEO of Steve's Laxatives, husband of Mikki Adrienne Rigantona Yvette Starla Una Eglantine Smith, father of R.E.N.E.S.M.E.E and ex-penguin, was a very rich and successful businessman. As mentioned above, he was the CEO of Steve's Laxatives, a very successful company which made laxatives for all occasions. It wasn't often he made a personal delivery - he spent most of his time in a suit, talking on the phone and eating croissants - but Caelan was somehow a friend of his, and Steve had decided to do him a favour. In return for money.

After receiving Caelan's call, he hopped into his helicopter and headed for Caelan's lair. He landed noisily on the roof, took a box of laxatives he'd had in the cockpit and slid down the drainpipe like a boss, before climbing in the ground floor window.

Inside, Fletcher was attempting to divest Caelan of his clothes and Caelan was desperately trying to fight him off. Caelan's precious Evanescence T-shirt was ripped.

'Have you got them?' Caelan screamed at Steve.

'Yeah, they're right here,' Steve shouted back, waving the box of laxatives in the air. Caelan turned to Fletcher.

'Fletcher, honey - '

'What is it, love of my life?'

'You'd do anything for me, right?'

'Anything,' Fletcher sighed.

'If I gave you a pill, would you take it?'

'I'd take a thousand pills for you, Caely baby.'

Caely baby? Caelan inwardly groaned. That's even worse than Fletchichetchi. Even worse than Baked Valaska!

'Well, I'm going to give you one.' Steve handed Caelan a laxative from the box, and Caelan gave it to Fletcher. 'If you take this pill I'll love you forever.'

'Is it Viagra?'

'No. It most definitely is not Viagra.'

'Okay,' said Fletcher and swallowed it. A second later, his face contorted and he grabbed his stomach. 'Oh God. I'm in pain. I need the loo...'

He vanished, and someone's life-long phobia of having a Teleporter appear beside them while they were using the toilet was finally justified. (But that's another story).

'Okay,' said Steve. 'Just what exactly was going on there, bro?'

'It's a long story,' said Caelan. 'But once the laxative works, he won't be in love with me anymore.'

'Ooh,' said Steve, miraculously understanding for some reason. 'You pricked an orange all over with a pin, then slept with it in your armpit and gave it to him, didn't you?'

'I didn't give it to him. I gave it to his girlfriend. She let him eat it.'

'And you're giving him the laxative because once the orange leaves his stomach, the spell thing won't work anymore.'

'Exactly.'

'You're so weird,' said Steve.

'Says the one who used to be a penguin.'

'Oi.'

THE END

A/N: I know this is supposed to be a musical, but my excuse for not having any songs in this chapter is that nothing rhymes with orange. Sorry.