Awake My Soul
"Thanks for taking me out Charlie." I look over at my best friend as the car pulls into my driveway. Sam and Dean let me get out of the house finally, even though my two week supervision isn't up yet. But I only have two days left and they trust Charlie.
"Hey, I'm just glad to see you. I wish that it could have been for longer than an hour though."
They are still crazy protective, I think with a smirk.
"I know. But Sam says that as soon as the two weeks are over you can come over for a sleepover."
Charlie gets excited immediately, "I can't wait! I'm gonna start planning tonight."
I chuckle at my overly giddy best friend. I wanted to treat her to lunch today, a way to apologize for what a mess I caused at her party. But Charlie, being the amazing girl that she is, refused to let me. She told me all she cared about was that I'm okay, something that made me begin to tear up immediately. She did however make me promise to never hide anything that serious from her again, much like Sam and Dean. And of course I complied with her.
"So have you thought about when you're going to go back to school?"
Honestly I have thought about it, and my face conveys that it wasn't a pleasant thought. Sam and Dean tried to bring up the subject after my first tutoring session with Anne, but I told both of them that I'm not ready to even talk about it yet. And of course they didn't want to do anything to stress me out, so they dropped the subject.
"Uhhh─ Honestly, I don't know if I'm going back."
"What? Why?"
I sigh loudly, ready to get all of my distain for that place out at once in a stressed but even tone.
"Everyone knows Charlie. They know what I did, and they all probably think that I am some suicidal freak. I can't go back and face them."
I can see her entering caring friend mode as she begins to speak, "Jenny, I get that it's scary, but you can't let some dumb teenagers stop you from anything. And you know that if any of those bitches are dumb enough to say anything to you that I'll be there. I've always got your back Bean. Always."
I shake my head with a small smirk, loving that my I have a best friend that is willing to take out a cafeteria full of jocks for me.
"So just promise that you won't give up, because if you do I'm going to have no one to be miserable with." She adds the last part with a laugh and I quickly wrap my arms around her, squeezing tight.
"I promise."
"Good!" Charlie says as we release from the hug, "Now go inside before your brothers come out to kill me for not bringing you back in time."
"Bye Char. Thanks for everything."
I wave goodbye as Charlie pulls out of the driveway before I turn around and head into the house, and to no surprise I find Sam and Dean waiting impatiently in the kitchen. They look nervous as hell while taking sips of their beer occasionally for comfort.
"You guys can calm down. I made it back in one piece."
They look up at me and let out sigh of relief in sync with each other. Seriously? These boys take protective to a whole new level. However in this case I find it a bit funny.
"So are you gonna let go of that vice on your drink there Deano?"
They both just stare at me, not exactly mad, but not happy either.
"What is it? I'm back on time, right?"
"Oh uh─ yeah." Sam tries to smile, "Sorry, it was just─"
I catch the drift from his and Dean's worked up faces and let out a sigh, a little bit angrily, "You were just afraid that I was going to off myself in the middle of the day."
"What? That's not it, we just…"
"You guys," I interrupt Sam with a bit of irritation behind my voice as I stand tall with my arms crossed, "I get that it is hard for you to trust me, but how am I going to learn to ride again if you guys never take off the training wheels?" As their faces soften I remove the edge from my voice and give them the small reassurance of a smile, "I'm not saying let me run wild, just give me a little trust. I promise I won't let you down again."
Sam and Dean glance at each other for a second before turning back to me, nodding there heads slowly before Dean responds, "Yeah Jenn, We know you won't."
A smile immediately overtakes my soft features, "Good…" I think of giving them a hug, but decide that I really just want to let the topic pass, "So Anne is coming in a few hours for tutoring. She said she wants to take me to the library to help me pick out a book for an English book report, as long as it's okay with you guys."
"Yea, of course." Sam nods, "What kind of book does it have to be?"
"Anne says that as long as it's a novel and school appropriate that it doesn't matter."
Dean bites his lip with a little smirk as he looks off daydreaming, and it doesn't take a genius to figure out what's on his mind.
"Dean! Stop thinking of Anne like that! It's creepy!" I tell him sternly.
In return I just get an innocent look, "What? Is it my fault that you have a good looking tutor?"
"Ughh. You better not embarrass me today." I warn before walking out of the kitchen and into the living room to watch some TV.
"Oh this looks interesting." I say, picking out a slightly heavy novel from the library bookshelf.
I run my hands over the hard cover as I read the back summary. It seems simple yet interesting enough so I take it back to the table where Anne is sitting and grading a few of the worksheets I finished today.
"I found one."
"Great." She smirks, "Well why don't we check that out and get you home."
"I'm done for today?" I ask hopefully.
"Yep. You did great on all of your assignments so we're all set." She says as she puts all of her folders and books into her messenger bag.
We check out the book and get into her car, heading in the direction of home. On the way we pass an ice cream stand and Anne insists on stopping and getting a treat, which I really appreciate considering the hot and sunny weather.
Once Anne drops me off at the house I run inside with my book in one hand and my vanilla ice cream cone in the other, licking a melted drop off of the cone before it falls onto the floor.
"You guys!" I yell as I close the door, "I'm home!"
"In here!" I run into the living room to find Sam and Dean with papers all over the coffee table and Sam with his laptop in his lap.
My smile fades as I realize what this means, there is a hunt. In other words I am going to be left alone, which at this point in time is something I desperately don't want. I am still trying to get my feet back on the ground. Finally I have gotten to a point where I am fully comfortable around Sam and Dean again and not having nightmares every single night. And all of this is because I've had them here with me, giving me support in everyway I need, and I do still need it. They cannot leave me just as I am starting to do well!
"A hunt? You guys can't leave me here! That isn't fair plu─"
"Jenny!" Dean quiets me, "We aren't going on a hunt. We are just trying to help out some friends."
I lose my strong stance and feel slightly, no completely, foolish. Of course I just try and laugh it off, "Oh, right. My bad."
Sam can't help but smile a bit and holds up a folder to me, "Wanna help?"
"You know it! I haven't done something supernatural related in weeks. I'm starting to get rusty."
I grab the folder and sit down on the floor, Indian style with my ice cream still in my hand.
"Hey! Where did you get that?" Dean asks, envious of my treat.
"Anne bought it for me on the way home." I smirk.
"Well that was nice of her." Sam says, "I take it you two get along."
"Oh yeah. She is so nice, and somehow doesn't make learning as miserable as my regular teachers."
Dean nods his head suggestively, "You should ask her to hangout sometime. Maybe you could become friends."
I think over the suggestion for a moment before realizing who it is coming from, the man that takes his hunting of woman almost as seriously as his hunting of ghosts.
"Dean!"
"What?"
"I am not becoming friends with her so you can see more of her! And you know she's only 21? She's like six years younger than you! That would be like me dating── Sam!" I make my point before I think about what I just said and cringe at the thought.
"Can we talk about something else please?" Sam asks with the same lemon sour look.
Dean laughs at our awkward moment before shaking his head at me, "You can't tell me who I can or can't date. So why don't you just except the fact that Anne is a big girl, and if she wants to date me then─"
"Then," I start with I smirk, "I'll just have to tell her that you have herpes."
"Jenn!" Sam stops me, not spitting angry, but not wanting the fighting to continue, "I know you don't want Dean to date her, but you can't stop him. He is a grown man and can date who he wants."
Dean just looks at me with a winning smirk, making me a tad irked. But as my jaw clenches I can see Sam's stern glance towards me heighten, causing me to relax and place a forced look of acceptance on my face.
"Fine, but I don't like it."
"Trust me, I know." Dean nods.
"Now," Sam tries to move us on from the subject, "Why don't you put on that CD you've been listening to all week?"
As much as I want to fight it I can't help but give in to Sam's successful attempt to brighten me up and make me forget about any anger I bore towards Dean. Sam knows that if there is one thing I love as much as or even more than television and movies, its music. I love playing it, singing it, and listening to it.
We listen to the CD as we do some research; turning on the radio after it has played through twice. I get the fun task of reading old obituaries and looking at crime scene photos, trying to find a sign of who this spirit is. Finally after a few hours I order Chinese for us all and we still have our faces in our computers as the food comes.
"Thanks." I smile as I give the delivery boy the money, which includes a pretty generous tip if I do say so myself.
I grab a few forks from the kitchen and two beers and a soda from the refrigerator before making my way to the living room, plopping the large bag of food on the coffee table and handing out the silverware and drinks before grabbing the container of sweet and sour chicken for myself.
"Can I take a break while we eat? Seriously, my eyes are hurting."
"Jenn, if you don't want to do research you don't have to." Sam tells me, but I quickly correct him.
"Oh I want to help. I just need a break." I smile, closing my laptop and putting it on the coffee table.
My hips shake almost unnoticeably to the music as I walk to the radio, turning up the volume, the swaying of my hips growing along with the sound. Sam just rolls his eyes and chuckles as I move my toes lightly across the hardwood floor, enjoying my chicken out of the container as I dance. I make my way over to my chair and sit down across from where Sam and Dean are sitting on the couch and still doing research as they eat. I just continue to bop my head to the songs coming through the radio, all belonging to some form of rock genre, while I shove the tasty diner in my mouth.
"That was delicious." I sigh, placing the food on the side table and resting my hand on my stomach, "But I think I might explode."
"Then maybe you shouldn't eat so much next time, fatty."
"Shut up! You're just jealous cus' I'm in better shape than you." I tell Dean.
Was that statement correct? Probably not. Because Dean looks like he works out all day, while I on the other hand look like I am purely skin and bones. However my break from hunting has been generous in giving me some nice curves, which I personally like.
"You wish you looked as good as me." Dean smirks, just causing me to roll my eyes.
"Jenn," Sam breaks up the conversation as he looks up from his laptop, "Can you go get me the number by the phone? I think I may have just found our guy."
My face turns cheerful as I stand up and walk to the kitchen, looking around the table the phone is on, shuffling through pieces of paper. The pad of post-its stands out, a number printed in maker covering it. I pull it off of the table and bring it with me into the living room.
"Is this the number?" I ask on my toes, ready to turn back if it's wrong.
"Yeah, that's it. Thanks Jenny." Sam tells me, taking the paper from my hands.
I turn to grab a fortune cookie out of the paper bag, but suddenly my stomach drops before my brain even has time to catch up with why I am having this reaction. I can hear the music from the radio and it is playing a different song from when I left, a song I was hoping to never hear again, a song that holds so much pain and fear that I can feel the hairs rise on my neck.
You let me violate you
You let me desecrate you
You let me penetrate you
You let me complicate you
As I stand frozen my stomach begins to convulse, followed by my chest as I have trouble getting air to my lungs. All I can feel is the fear I felt as I saw him over me, unable to move my own body, unable to scream. I try to control my breathing, placing my hand to my rapidly trembling stomach as it rises and falls in jagged timing.
"Jenny?" I hear Sam question loudly, and I look up to see him staring at me worriedly, appearing to be a second away from coming to my side.
I look at him, trying to speak, but I can just hear the music pounding in my ears as I begin to shake my head, tears starting to fall down my eyes as I pull on the neck of my shirt roughly. I want to scream, making a face that appears to be a grimace as I grasp my chest, angry tears falling down my red and burning cheeks. As I get to the point that I am gasping for breath I turn around and run from my position by the couch.
"Jenn!" Dean yells roughly, watching as I run with unsteady legs to the stereo and hit it frantically, not able to find the right button.
"Jenny!"
"TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF!" I scream through my gasps for breath, continuing to beat the machine as Sam tries to grab my hands, "STOP!"
"Jenny! What are you doing? What's wrong?" Sam yells, finally grabbing my hands and pulling me to face him as Dean hastily turns off the radio.
As the music stops my heart rate begins to slow, making my eyes dart around as I try to piece together what just happened. I stop fighting Sam's grip and he soothingly cups my face in his hands, looking me in the eyes.
"Are you okay now?"
"I─I─"
My stomach begins to calm so quickly that I feel it turn on me, and I fall to my knees as I vomit onto the floor. My mind is filled with too much confusion over what is happening to freak out and run to the bathroom. I just continue to let my stomach empty itself onto the floor. That is until Dean puts a small trash basket in front of me, placing one hand on my arm comfortingly. Sam stands behind me, pulling my hair out of my face and using his free hand to cradle my forehead. And when I am done I try to stand up, not making it too far before Sam and Dean help me.
"I'll clean up. You get her on the couch." Dean says out of breath and stressed.
Sam nods, leading me to the cushy coach. He places me down and sits next to me rubbing a gentle hand over my back and placing his other hand on my knee as Dean cleans my vomit off of the floor.
"Here," Dean says, walking over with a glass of water after he has cleaned up, "drink this."
I take the water in my hands and take a few small sips before lowering the cup, letting Sam take it from me and place it on the table.
"So Jenn," Sam says gently as Dean sits on the table in front of me, "You want to tell us what happened?"
I look up at them, still fighting about weather I should explain to them what was going through my head as I almost totaled the stereo. My first instinct is to lie, but before I can open my lips and make up some story I remember something, the last time I did this. And I remember how it ended, me in the hospital with broken bones and a pumped stomach. So with dry and swollen eyes I raise my head and take a deep breath before beginning.
"That song, it was─ it was playing when─" It takes me a moment to continue, but Sam and Dean don't push me, they just give me reassuring glances and wait patiently for me to proceed, "It is one of the only things I can remember from that night, the night that he…"
I don't have to say anymore because their faces drop, letting me know that they know the rest of my sentence, "Jenny..." Sam sighs, making a sympathetic face that makes the tears start to flow again.
"I really thought that I was doing okay. But when I heard the song─ I just freaked."
Dean places a hand on my knee as my voice hitches and I begin to heave with sobs, "Hey, It's okay Jenn."
"No it's not! It is not okay!" I cry, shaking my head angrily and making the boys jump back in their seats, "I should be strong! I have to be strong!"
"Hey…" Sam soothes as he comes closer on the couch and takes me in his arms tightly, letting me cry onto his chest as I am sure he and Dean share a worried look over my head, "Being upset doesn't make you weak Jenn. It just makes you human."
I pick my head up from his chest, wiping away my tears as I speak urgently, "I just don't want to think about it anymore. I feel like anytime I start to feel happy or like my life has just a spot of normalcy someone that something has to remind me about what happened."
"Well people just want you to deal with what happened." Dean tells me.
My runny nose makes another sniffling noise as I continue to wipe tears from my eyes, shaking my head in complete and utter confusion as Sam sits back to give me room. I feel like my head is filled with emotions and I can't seem to get them all out the way I want, some of them I can't even make sense of.
"I─I'm really sorry." I mumble out, my body relaxes and feel my stomach begin to fight me, "I don't feel very good. Can you just take me to bed?"
"Is it your stomach again?" Dean asks as Sam places a hand to my clammy forehead.
I just nod my head lightly, feeling a bit dizzy as the nauseous feeling finds me again. My face frowns sourly as I place my hand to my mouth, more of a precaution than anything, although it gets the boys on alert.
"Do you feel like your gonna vomit?" Dean asks, holding my shoulders gently.
But before I can answer his question the bile rises in my throat and leaves my mouth, breaking through the barrier of my hand and getting all over the right leg of Dean's pants. For a moment all I can think of is the aching in my stomach and the disgusting taste, but once I look up and see what I did I feel even worse. Dean just has his mouth wide open, staring down at the mess I made on his jeans.
I want to apologize, tell him I didn't mean to, but for some reason the only thing I can get out of my mouth is a cry. Tears are suddenly streaming down my face as I put my hand to my mouth, wiping away the vomit left on my mouth.
"Hey. Hey. It's okay." Sam quiets me, lifting me into his arms like a small child, "Come on, let's get you up to bed."
I nod my head through my tears as Sam lifts me off of the couch, "Dean, go clean up while I take her upstairs."
Sam takes me out of the living room and brings me up to his room, laying me onto the bed. By now my sobs have been downgraded to tears and my face is distressed as the sour feeling in my stomach continues. I didn't even notice Sam left when he comes into the bedroom with a washcloth.
"Here you go." He says, sitting at the edge of the bed and wiping my head strongly with the wet cloth, "Do you think you're going to vomit again?"
My shoulders shrug as he runs his hands through my wavy hair and nods his head acceptingly.
I look up at Sam fearfully, "Do you think Dean is mad at me?"
"Of course not."
"I swear I didn't mean to."
Sam gives me a funny look before answering, "He knows that Jenny."
"I just don't want him to be mad at me. Can you make sure he's not mad at me?"
Sam places a tender arm on my shoulder to calm me down as I get worked up, "Jenny, I promise he isn't mad."
After holding his assuring glance with my uneasy one for a few seconds, I settle back into the bed.
"Why don't you just get some sleep?" Sam tells me, giving me a kiss on the forehead and securing a soft blanket around me, "You'll probably feel better when you wake up."
"I hope so." I mutter too quiet for Sam to hear as he stands up from the bed, "Wait!"
Sam turns around as I look up at him pleadingly, "Can you stay with me, just until I fall asleep."
Sam's glance turns from questioning to sweet in a moment, walking over towards the bed and lying down next to me as I make room. He sits against the backboard and grabs the remote, letting me pick what we watch as I fall asleep with my head resting against his thigh.
The next morning I sit downstairs and have some toast with strawberry jelly as I remember everything that I did last night, more like regret everything I did last night. I just really don't want this to turn into some huge thing for Sam and Dean, because I honestly feel like I am doing okay. Sure, last night wasn't a shining moment for me, but in my opinion I should be allowed one freak out.
I wonder which of the brothers I am going to have to face first, but to my surprise they both come down together, stress etched all over their face, and from the bags under they're eyes I am guessing they haven't slept too great.
"Morning." I say happily, but not so happy that it seems like its fake.
"Hey."
Sam comes over, placing a hand on my head as he checks me over while Dean grabs a slice of cold pizza from the fridge. I just continue my reassuring smile as I remove my head from his grasp.
"You feeling better?" Sam asks, motioning to my toast.
"Yep." I take another bite.
"Good." Dean smirks, "Because I really like my clothes today."
I roll my eyes, but underneath I actually feel truly terrible, even though deep down I know Dean isn't mad at me I can't get rid of the feeling that I am a burden. My face must turn pale because Sam runs a hand over my cheek reassuringly.
"Hey. It's okay Jenn. We know that you didn't mean to." I look to Dean and get the smile of conformation from him, "But do you want to talk about what happened last night?"
"Not really."
"Jenn─"
"You guys know what happened, why I freaked. So why do I need to pour my feelings out to you on the kitchen table?"
"Because you'll feel better." Sam pushes.
I give a bitter laugh, not sure if I believe that statement, but after a jagged breath in I begin with anger and resentment from, in my opinion, being forced to talk about it, "Fine! You want to know why I flipped? The song came on and all that was going through my mind was what he did to me. Seeing him on top of me, the sounds he made, and me not being able to do anything about it!" I scream as I stand up from my chair at the counter with tears in my eyes, "Are you happy now? Now you know everything!"
With only one more look of anger and disgust I turn to leave the room, but I hear Sam's voice yelling strongly, "Jenny!", and I turn back around to him and Dean begrudgingly. "I know that you're upset. And you have every right to be. But Dean and I─ we just want to help you. So just let us help."
Every fiber of my being is screaming at me to turn around, avoid what is clearly going to be a very emotional and girly 'chick flick' moment. And for a moment I begin to pivot my feet away from Sam and Dean, ready to head for the stairs, but something inside persuades me to stand strong as I look at the brothers, tears gracing my eyes.
"I─ I─" Finally I let the tears fall as I shake my head, "I don't want to cry anymore. I am so sick of him making me cry. I don't want to let him win."
I understand the irony of crying about crying too much, but the emotions are just too powerful for me to stop myself, "I want to be strong. I am trying to be, so please don't make me cry about it."
They both feel for me as they hear my begging tone, fighting the sobs escaping my mouth. But as I wipe the tears away and beg them with a strong stance to get my way, I feel like a rush of relief comes over me as they nod in agreement.
"It's okay." Sam says, "But you have to promise me something."
"Anything."
"Don't ignore this. If you can't talk about it with us, that's fine. But you need to talk to somebody about it; Charlie, Dr. Lee, Anne ─ someone." He tells me in a way that I know it means a lot to him, "Can you promise me that?"
Honestly, I want to say no. I'm not even sure if it is because I really don't want to or because I want to be difficult. In fear of it being the latter I nod my head assuring him.
"Yeah. I promise."
A very small smile comes to Sam's lips, but he knows that I don't want to get emotional so he moves on quickly, "How about a nice breakfast? You want to make pancakes Dean?"
"Only if Jenny promises to not upchuck it all over my clothes after."
"Shut up." I respond with the same joking tone he spoke with as I wipe the remaining tears from my cheeks.
He just smirks as he goes into the cabinet and gets the pancake mix, asking me to help him make eggs. I whisk away at the eggs while Sam makes bacon and Dean takes care of the pancakes. And then we enjoy a nice breakfast together, filled with sarcasm and mouths full of food.
A/N: Wow. I'm not sure, but this may be my longest chapter ever! Reviews for long chapter? lol :p