Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters or anything Harry Potter related, they are all the property of JK Rowling and her publishers. I don't mean any disrespect against her or the original story, I write for fun, no money is being made and no infringement of Copyrighted Work.

A/N: This chapter is dedicated to all of you out there that find or has ever found that life can be a struggle, for what ever reason. We all carry our baggage, and its important that we dont tuck it away and leave it be, its important that we deal with what's painful, so we one day can move on.. I also want to take the opportunity to thank a friend of mine, which I didn't know I had so much in common with, for being a true inspiration to this chapter, thank him for helping me put troubled feelings in to words.

Now, please enjoy! :)

Chapter 34

My body felt heavy, tired and terribly drowsy, my eyelids seemed to be glued shut and when I tried

to part my lips to say something my jaw disobeyed my wish, all that I managed to conjure was a dull grunt.

"Harry?" Draco's voice wasn't more than a whisper, still unable to speak I stirred again. "I am here, Harry, don't worry, you're not alone..." he sounded calm, so was I, it was like I could still feel the lingering touch from my mother, her warm and secure arms around me. The springy bed bounced a little, merely moments later my pillow was compressed and I could feel Draco's warm breath against my neck. "You can hear me, cant you?" he whispered and to my surprise I could hear how he must have been holding back the tears whilst he spoke, in response I let out another sound resembling a gurgle. "If this is my fault Harry, if it's my fault that this happened I wont be able to forgive myself... " what he said didn't make sense, how could it possibly be Draco's fault that death hunted me down outside, he could never have anticipated such a thing.

After a long pause Draco continued "We have to talk more, whenever you feel it creeping on, you have to let me know, you cant keep bottling your feelings up, none of us can, because I cant afford to lose you, Harry, you're the most important thing to me! Before you came in to my life, the loving way, not the me-bullying-you way, I had stopped believing in love... I had banished all love from my life but for the one my mother gave me... I haven't really gone in to details about my previous love experiences before... Yes, I have told you about my father, what he did to me, I have told you about my gorgeous mother, although I haven't told you how I always went for the complicated girls, I mean just look at Pansy, she might be hot but there is nothing but pain hiding behind those curtains of black hair. The reason I fancied them all was for the same thing, I could identify mysekf with their issues... I'd simply fall for them without questioning the wisdom of it, because they were like me... they were broken... but of course it always ended badly... people got hurt... It was a poisonous environment, bringing down both my confidence and self-worth and that's when I'd hurt myself.. well, one of the times.. and eventually I gave up on romance, it felt just like an altogether ill fitting suit... until I met you, Harry... You have showed me what love is, what it can do, love has has proved to me that my existence is dependant on you... when you're no longer breathing, neither will I..." he paused to let out a little giggle. "The start was always great though. It always is, right?"

I wanted to wake up, I wanted to be there for Draco, hold him tight to my chest, stroke his hair, tell him that everything was going to be alright... explain how none of this was his fault, I had to tell him about meeting my mum, however no matter how hard I tired my eyes remained shut and my jaw clenched. Since I didn't respond Draco continued his hushed one way conversation with me.

"Harry, when you wake up, you have to promise me that we'll talk more, I am giving you my promise now... I promise you, Harry James Potter, that when I feel the need to cut myself, when I feel the demons form in my head, I won't listen and I won't lock myself away alone... I will go to you, sit with you, so you can help me ride through the storm, and I will do the same for you..." the tears must have made its way past his barriers, soon Draco was sniffing uncontrollably next to me. "I know I have already said it but its so so so important that we talk, I dont ever want to experience tonight again and I am sure you feel the same about that night in the room of requirements after we had that bath in the prefects bathroom, remember? That night my father send me that letter, that night I nearly killed myself... that night I did the one thing I had promised myself I wouldn't do any more... let it get out of control, let my emotions take over... but I was so scared, so exposed, and I guess that's how you felt tonight... it's so easy to let the love of the act and the relief from the pain take over and the consequences are the least of your conserves at that point in time, however afterwards you knew it was such a pointless thing to do, you knew it was only a temporary solution, because you woke up again."

He quieted again, planted a kiss on my forehead and continued. "Thank you Harry if you're still listening, and I am sorry but I had to get all of this off my chest, since you and I became an item I have treasured every moment, but it wasn't until I found you out there tonight I actually understood the importance of opening up, I know you have nagged me about it already, although I didn't want to accept the seriousness of the statement and you were right as always, I feel better already by getting this out in the air and I realise that the identity crises I have been through is completely self-inflicted due to my insecurity, sure my uncertainty in things is rooted in something much deeper but this is at least a start." he silenced again, I could feel him move next to me, maybe he was wiping the tears of his pale and beautiful cheeks. "So many words to frankly say that we cant continue like this, that we need to talk more!" he giggled and kissed my forehead again. "You try to rest now, I am going to find Mrs Weasley and let her know that you seem to have surfaced somewhat... I love you Harry!" with those words I felt the bed rock slightly again, I heard him tip toe over the floorboards and soon the wooden door swung shut with a quiet thud.

I don't know if I had dosed off again after Draco left but I suspected that I had as I could hear Mrs Weasley's voice coming from the hall way for what seemed like only seconds later. She was talking to someone but I couldn't decide if it was just her and Draco or if someone else was accompanying them.

"Draco tells me you are awake.." Molly placed a gentle hand on my shoulder, I felt a wand tap on my wrist and before I knew it I were able to open my eyes, I was able to speak.

"What happened?" I croaked. "I really-" I didn't get any further as Mrs Weasley hushed me.

"You need to rest Harry, Draco will sit with you and he can explain everything to you once he consider you strong enough." with another motherly smile she left the room again.

"Draco?" he didn't say anything, only sat down on the bed by my head. "I seriously don't know what's going on, so if you'd care to share I'd be very great full!" I hadn't meant to sound annoyed but that's how it came out.

"What do you mean, you dont know?" he wasn't angry, he sounded sad.

"All I can remember is going down the garden... then..." I paused, I was scared that if I told Draco how I had met death he'd think I'd gone mad. "You're not going to believe this but... death came to collect me... I met my mum..." a tear fell from my eye and rolled down the side of my face.

"So you dont remember nearly killing yourself?" my boyfriend leaned forward and dried the tear trail from my cheek.

"No, everything was fine until I saw this cloaked figure, I though it was Voldemort at first, then he spoke to me, told me that he was the grim reaper... he suffocated me whilst telling me that he was going to reunite me with my parents..." Draco's face seemed to be turning from pale to ghost-white as I spoke.

"And I guess you dont recall any of this?" he lifted one of my arms and I could see how both my underarms were wrapped up in bandages, Draco must have assumed by the look on my face that I didn't know what had happened to my arms. "I woke up about an hour after you had put me to bed and thought it was odd that you weren't there with me but supposed that you were downstairs, maybe getting something to eat... after yet another few minutes I managed to crawl out of bed and headed down to be with you but in the kitchen I found only Mr and Mrs Weasley and the living room was empty, and that's when I started to worry... I recalled you telling me that you were going out for some air but no one remembered seeing you go but when we couldn't find you inside I ran out to look for you... I didn't take me long to find you at the bottom of the garden by the small shed and it was the most horrendous and devastating thing I have ever seen in my life Harry... you were so deadly pale, your eyes were open and stared glassily in to space, your clothes were soaked through from the murky mudd-water you were laying in and your arms... they looked somewhat like pulled chicken, the undersides of your lower arms where torn to shreds and the bricked corner of the shed was covered in your blood... I don't know if you had a fit or something but you lashed out on that wall..." he silenced and covered his mouth with his free hand like he was holding back the urge to puke.

Draco mentioning the corner of the shed made a memory surface great stones to sharpen my blade against. had death said and nodded towards the bricked corner. Had I really seen the grim reaper? Or had my brain simply gone in to self-preservation mode to spare me from the horror? Was the death I had seen only a figment of my imagination? Had I really gone bananas on a house just like that? Was I more fucked up than I cared to admit? Had I become a danger to myself?

"I spoke to you earlier... I dont even know if you could hear me..." Draco begun, cutting my thoughts short.

"Talk... we have to talk more..." I echoed.

"We cant slip like this Harry, it's not durable in the long run, one day one of us will take it one step to far and..." his voice cracked up and I could see that the sheer thought of being separated brought tears to his eyes.

"I promise... more talking... and more sex." I added at the end with a grin.

TBC,

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