Disclaimer: Obviously I am not Stephanie Meyer. I am generously using her characters. All of the dialogue comes directly from the book Twilight or her unpublished manuscript Midnight Sun, thus it all remains the property of Stephanie Meyer as well as the overall plot. This is merely a rewrite from Edward's PoV. That means that everything is hers and I just explored it a bit.
Honestly, I had been relieved when Alice recommended waiting for Carlisle to return from the hospital for my confession. I knew I was prolonging the inevitable, but a few more hours of reprieve was welcomed. I was grateful Alice had agreed for Rosalie to drive. Anything I could do to avoid having to be near Jasper, Rosalie, and Emmett for the time being was appreciated. I would be facing them soon enough and a drive to school full of tension and irate thoughts, no matter how short, was not on the top of my list of things to do. Nevertheless, as I neared Bella's house I considered that I might be going from the frying pan into the fire.
Despite the clarity I had found as Bella slept, my thoughts were now a tangled mess as I parked my car in Bella's driveway. The human adage said that things looked different in the morning–that thing changed when you slept on them. Would that apply to Bella? Would she see me differently in the weak light of a foggy day? Would my monstrosity finally become clear with the sun's rising? Had the truth finally sunk in while she slept or brushed her hair this morning? Would she finally be afraid? I hoped for her sake that she would be. Perhaps this was when she would politely and kindly, because Bella was both those things, tell me that she couldn't be a friend with a soulless monster. I would lose the opportunity for atonement, but that would be a small price to pay for the capacity to leave and provide for her what was now fundamental to my being–her long human life.
Her dreams had been peaceful, though, last night. When she had spoken my name, she had smiled. More than once she had murmured a plea for me to stay. What might that mean in her waking world? Could I count on her unconscious mind to be a window into her conscious? Certainly early psychoanalysts would have said yes, but modern psychologists would mostly say no. That left me in that becoming all too familiar land of "I don't know". I was beginning to wonder if I knew anything at all anymore. And for the first time in my existence it didn't bother me so much.
I waited, my mind knotting itself even more tightly as I listened to the sounds of her inside the house–the fast stumbling footsteps on the stairs, the sharp rip of a foil wrapper, the contents of the refrigerator crashing against each other when the door slammed. It sounded like she was in a hurry. Was she anxious to get to school? Was she hurrying so that she could dismiss me before the bell? The possibility made me smile while my chest felt constricted.
I looked at the clock. I supposed that–taking in account the velocity of her decrepit truck must limit her to–she was running a little late. Maybe she wasn't hurrying in order to have our final conversation after all. The smile left my face and the constriction that had been in my chest disappeared.
Bella rushed out of the house, her book bag slid off her shoulder, her hair coiled into a messy twist that was already coming apart on the nape of her neck. It was an incredibly sweet thing to watch–so imperfect, so human. The thick green sweater she wore was not enough to keep her thin shoulders from hunching against the cold fog though.
The long sweater was too big for her, unflattering. It masked her slender figure, turning all her delicate curves and soft lines into a shapeless jumble. I appreciated this almost as much as I wished that she had worn something more like the soft blue blouse she had worn last night … the fabric had clung to her skin in such an appealing way, cut low enough to reveal the mesmerizing way her collarbones curled away from the hollow beneath her throat. The blue had flowed like water along the subtle shape of her body …
It was better–essential–that I keep my thoughts far, far away from her shape, so I was grateful to the unbecoming sweater she wore. I couldn't afford to make mistakes, and it would be a monumental mistake to dwell on the increasing strange desires of attraction that the thoughts of her lips … her skin … her body … were shaking loose inside of me. I could feel the foreign hungers emerge and grow in strength with each passing thought. Simultaneously I knew that I could not allow myself to think of touching her, because that was impossible. It was like the monster–no solution other than control–and absolute denial.
I would break her, I reminded myself to reinforce the urgency to suppress these urges. There was no question of this. I already knew that my increased attraction was more dangerous than the monster. My revelation that it wanted to make her mine only strengthened that reality. It was the behaviour of certainly the worst kind of monster–the kind that sneaks into the castle in the middle of the night and steals the virtuous princess. This was exactly why leaving was so critical, crucial really. A strange thought emerged. What does the monster do when the princess says that the monstrosity doesn't matter, when she insists on befriending the beast?
Bella turned away from the door, in such a hurry that she nearly ran right by my car without noticing it. Then she skidded to a stop, her knees locking like a startled colt's. Her bag slid further down her arm, and her eyes flew wide as they focused on the car.
I got out, checked for potential watchful eyes, moved at my natural speed, and opened the passenger door for her. I would not present the façade to her anymore than necessary. Perhaps these small things would demonstrate my alienness enough to send her running.
She looked up at me startled. To her eyes it probably had seemed as if I had materialized out of the fog. And then the surprise in her eyes changed to something else, washing away every feeling I had up until that moment and leaving only a sense of warmth. Kindness, acceptance, wonder, fascination, all swam in the melted chocolate of her eyes.
"Do you want to ride with me today?" I asked gently.
I would let her choose. I would follow Esme's and Carlisle's advice to let it be her choice. It was the only way to get to the inevitable one day when she would say no.
"Yes, thank you," she murmured, climbing into my car without hesitation.
The same combination of excitement and dread coursed through me as it had each time she had said yes. I was unworthy of every yes she had uttered; yet here she sat.
I checked the surroundings again, moved around the car, and readied myself to join her, to hear the fateful words that would send me away. She showed no sign of being shocked by my sudden reappearance. She should have. How she took me in stride confounded me.
The sense of buoyancy I felt as she sat beside me took me by surprise. I was unable to keep it at bay as I had previously. It had no precedent. It was if I suddenly lived in the clouds. The only explanation I could muster for my lack of resistance resided with my resignation that I did, in fact, have affection for Miss Swan. How affection could create such powerful reactions in me was astounding. As much as I enjoyed the love and companionship of my family, despite the various entertainments and distractions the world had to offer, I had never before experienced this. My concurrence with Carlisle that I held affection for Bella seemed truer in this moment than it had prior.
Carlisle's wisdom regarding gifts also seemed poignant. I realized with absolute certainty that I could not stop her sentiments anymore than I could stop my parents'. It seemed petulant to be upset with her for her feelings. Especially since it was my fault that I wasn't strong enough to walk away.
My jacket was folded over the headrest of her seat. I saw her eyeing it.
"I brought the jacket for you." This was my feeble attempt at an excuse for showing up uninvited this morning. It was cold. She had no jacket. Surely this as an accepted form of chivalry. "I didn't want you to get sick or something."
"I'm not quite that delicate," she said staring at my chest, as if she were hesitant to meet my eyes.
Perhaps I dazzled her too much last night? I considered coaxing or commanding her to put on the jacket, but then I remembered that I was giving her choice. Guess that meant she got to choose that too.
"Aren't you?" I muttered to myself.
My first parents and I had all died from the flu. I intellectually understood the advancements in medicine, but I couldn't help my fears that pulled on grief and loss. But now was not the time to explain these things to Bella.
She stared out the window as I accelerated toward school. I could only stand the silence for a few seconds. I was impetuously wanting to know what her thoughts were. So much had changed since the sun has last risen.
"What, no twenty questions today?" I asked teasingly, attempting to keep it light.
Last night had been so heavy. There seemed no reason to begin where we had left off. No, when she called out to me from her dreams last night she left me no doubt about her yes from that first night. Carlisle had admonished me for not accepting her choice even if I didn't agree. No, today I would continue to work to build on a new kind of Edward–one that would be worthy of Esme's and Carlisle's love and faith in me.
She smiled, seemingly glad that I'd broached the subject. "Do my questions bother you?" she asked timidly.
Yes, you ask the questions I don't want to answer, you avoid talking about yourself, and your questions have uncovered secrets that have been hidden purposefully.
"Not as much as your reactions do," I told her honestly, smiling in response to her smile because as bad as her questions were they were indicative of a curious bright observant mind. Really the issue was my seeming incapacity to keep my mouth shut or lie like a Cullen. No, the questions weren't really the problem.
Her mouth turned down. "Do I react badly?"
Badly? No. Contrary to all reason and logic? Yes. You said yes when it put you in danger. You embrace me when you should run. All your reactions are backward for your own self-preservation, but despite my sincerest attempts to the contrary here you sit.
"No, that's the problem. You take everything so coolly–it's unnatural."
You stand and fight rather than run. You trust a monster. You talk about hunting like it was weather. You discuss my telepathy like it's an every day occurrence. I have never met such an irritating frustrating conundrum in my existence.
"It makes me wonder what you're really thinking," I continued.
I seem to never get the answers I desire because you are my kryptonite. Yet, as I sit listening to your heartbeat and breathe I can't imagine a sweeter symphony. The more I am around you the more you pull me in and more dangerous to you I become. All my reactions have one result–the end of your life. It is a hopeless conundrum, one to which I see no solution.
"I always tell you what I'm really thinking," she commented petulantly.
No, you don't. Since you have come into my life I have had to learn from my family how to decipher micro-expressions and body language and tone of voice and a host of other things. And being a telepath I know the differences. If there is one thing I am confident about it is that what you just said is not true.
"You edit," I stated in what I hoped was a polite manner trying to hide my irritation.
I wondered for the first time if I would have found myself in this position if I were able to hear Bella's thoughts. Is it possible that the ultimate attraction for a telepath would be someone whose thoughts I couldn't hear? Seemed likely at this point. Not to mention the sweet delectable flavour of her blood. I internally groaned. I would be strong enough to become the Edward in Carlisle's mind. The atonement offered through Bella until she sent me away had already begun that process and for that for that I was grateful.
Her teeth pressed into her lips again. I wondered if this was her physical response to tension–done unconsciously.
"Not very much," she insisted.
I successfully stifled a snigger. Does she even know how much she edits, how she changes the conversation as to not to talk about herself? Does she see herself clearly at all? But I didn't want to argue this morning, so I went with a different kind of honesty.
"Enough to drive me insane."
Absolutely true, Bella. Will you be willing to edit less now? I doubted it knowing her character. She was too selfless, too considerate, too kind to be able to manage that.
"You don't want to hear it," she stated with conviction.
I considered that. I did want to hear it, even if I didn't like it. I couldn't conceive of not wanting to hear her thoughts. Yet she said it with such assuredness I had to assume that she was basing her assertion on some evidence. I had learned, amongst other things, that she was more observant than any human I had ever met. Given my attempts at being a new Edward, instead of disagreeing outright I decided to methodically review our conversations starting with last night. As I did I saw the moment when I had asked her not to speak her thoughts. Never say that, I had all but snarled at her. I had made her cry.
Could it be that she had been trying to convey her thoughts regarding me? In my single-minded focus and arrogance had I disregarded what she had really been trying to say? That what I was didn't matter to her and she believed it too late for her to change her mind about me? It seemed likely and fundamentally wrong. No. That just wasn't possible. Even if she did believe that at the moment she was a modern adolescent human. Present young humans weren't as steadfast as they had been in my era. They believed things absolutely one day and then ardently disagreed with them the next. No. Even if that was her belief last night it couldn't last. No. She would run. It was only a matter of time.
I examined my own reaction. Last night I would have been aghast and distraught. She was right to keep her beliefs from me. But today was not last night. In my new way of being I would not dismiss her conviction outright. This morning, as much as I might disagree, I was going to honour her choice, which also meant honouring her feelings. Carlisle's gentle reminder of her sentiments and acceptance being gifts came to mind.
The sensation of anguish and wanting to jump to the sky, joy maybe?, toyed with me creating a simultaneous crescendo. Anguish of me not being worthy, of the cost she would pay, and of the joy that she knew what I was and had said yes anyway washed through me. The experience was too intense for me to be coherent. Like a mantra I reminded myself that this was a gift. The gift of new experiences Esme had said. Was this what Esme was hoping for me? I wished I could find a way to ask her outright. But then I remembered the confession I had yet to tell. Would Esme see me differently once she knew the truth? No, if I was fully honest with myself. If killing all those humans hadn't altered her love for me, neither would this. I just hoped she wasn't too disappointed in me.
Then suddenly in my analysis I realized that Bella had most likely heard my frustration in my heat of the moment statement Never say that. I had unintentionally given her a message that I didn't mean and I didn't know how to rectify. After all these decades of being a telepath, I really thought I was better at communication than this. Perhaps without my gift I was terribly inadequate. Now that was a sobering thought. The silence between us made the symphony of Bella's humanness and how much I had screwed up even more poignant.
I made sure to keep all thoughts, especially my siblings, in the background as we drew nearer to school.
"Where's the rest of your family?" she asked out of the blue.
I took a deep breath. After so much time with Bella since Port Angeles the torching of my throat didn't demand as much of my attention as usual. Yet its very burning reminded me once again why Bella should have said no. On the positive side, my theory about becoming desensitized with more exposure seemed to be accurate. Maybe I hadn't lost my touch of knowing things completely.
"They took Rosalie's car," I answered and then shrugged as I parked next to it. "Ostentatious, isn't it?"
Certainly not the most ostentatious car we owned, but certainly not conspicuous. This was why we rode in the Volvo.
"Um, wow," she murmured. "If she has that, why does she ride with you?"
Rosalie would have liked Bella's reaction. Bella with her good questions and keen observations.
"Like I said, it's ostentatious. We try to blend in."
Can you see Bella? I try to appear human and safe, but I'm not. You know the facts, but do you really understand?
It seemed unlikely that anyone who was not one of our kind could fully grasp the world we lived in. It was not the world an angel should dwell in. But I would respect her choice, I reminded myself like a mantra.
"You don't succeed." She nearly scoffed.
Most humans seem to think we blend in just fine. She seemed unaware of her powers of observation.
She laughed and shook her head as she got out of the car. The laugh tickled me on the inside despite the fact that, once again, I didn't understand what she thought was funny.
"So why did Rosalie drive today if it's more conspicuous?"
Because Bella you turned my world upside down, dissolved all the things I thought I could count on about myself, and created the possibly of a new Edward. You said yes, and I don't have the strength to leave, so I will follow your lead until I do. You could have said no, Bella. I'm waiting for your no.
But that just seemed too heavy and I wanted this conversation to be light. I made a joke instead.
"Hadn't you noticed? I'm breaking all the rules now."
She didn't laugh. Perhaps it wasn't funny to a human.
I could hear Emmett's mental teasing tone on the edge of the buzzing of thoughts. I could even imagine Jasper shaking his head. But then I only had to imagine Rosalie's response. Maybe it wasn't a good joke even though I was responsible for all the rules that had been broken.
Bella didn't wait for me to open her door. I couldn't stop her. We were at school and my illusion of normalcy was critical here. She was making it exceedingly difficult to be a gentleman. I wondered if perhaps it was her subtle way of showing me that she just wanted to be friends. I had already agreed to friendship. As I drew near to her my whole body urged me forward wanting to be closer to her, wanting to hold her hand, for her finger to touch me again. No. This was the one rule I could not cross. I might not have the strength to leave, but I could keep this space between us. We were not courting. Propriety dictated that I keep my distance, which meant resisting the magnetic-like pull I felt towards her. I reminded myself of the danger my attraction posed to her and dispelled any hope of courtship that might have tried to settle within me.
Twice her hand twitched like she thought to hold my hand, but changed her mind. She too must see the impossibility of more. Obviously she wouldn't want to hold my cold hard hand, but the movement caused me to wonder if she experienced the same magnetic pull. Carlisle had asked if she was attracted to more than my lure. I hadn't known then and had told him as such. I wondered if this unconscious movement indicated that perhaps the answer was yes. I would have to pay closer attention.
"Why do you have cars like that at all? If you're looking for privacy?" she asked as we walked toward her class.
Her question was stunningly insightful again. It was an oxymoron and one not easily explained. I searched for an explanation that would fit in her world.
"An indulgence," I admitted unable to contain my smile of my Aston-Martin in the garage. "We all like to drive fast."
I thought about Carlisle and my drive in the car last night. Fast with no lights on.
"Figures," she mumbled, her tone sour.
She didn't look up to see my grin at the thought of her reaction to our drive last night. I felt fairly certain that she wouldn't have appreciated it.
Nuh-uh! I don't believe this! How the hell did Bella pull this off? I don't get it. Why?
Jessica's loud mental bogglings made themselves known through the normal buzz. She was waiting for Bella under the shelter of the cafeteria roof's overhang taking shelter from the rain with Bella's winter jacket over her arm. Her eyes were wide with disbelief.
Bella noticed her, too, in the next moment. A faint pink touched her cheeks when Bella registered Jessica's expression. I focused on Jessica's face making sure my facial expressions were appropriate for her spoken words. It seemed like she did look shocked and upset. Hum. Interesting.
"Hey, Jessica. Thanks for remembering," Bella greeted her.
She reached out for her jacket and Jessica handed it over wordlessly.
It seemed gentlemanly to be polite to Bella's friends, even one whose thoughts weren't kind.
"Good morning, Jessica," I offered in my non-scary polite tone.
Whoa …
Jessica's eyes changed in a strange way like they got wider but lost their focus. I stifled a smirk. It was amazing and disconcerting how strong of an effect I was having. Honestly, it was embarrassing to realise how much Bella had softened me. I wondered if any female was afraid of me anymore. I had to keep this from Emmett. He would have a field day. I could just imagine the jokes for the next century …
"Er … hi," Jessica finally managed. She flashed her eyes to Bella and seemed to compose herself looking at Bella full of significance her voice full of meaning. "I guess I'll see you in Trig."
You are so going to spill. I'm not taking no for an answer. Details. I have to have details! Edward freaking CULLEN! Life is so unfair. The whole story. I'm not accepting anything less. Did they plan on meeting up last night? Are they dating? How long? How could she keep this a secret? Why would she want to? It can't be a casual thing–she has to be seriously into him. Is there any other option? I will find out. I can't stand not knowing. I wonder if she's made out with him. Oh, swoon …
I had to work at tuning her out. She was thinking so loud it reverberated in my head, and I really wasn't interested in her jealousy. Luckily I had the trick at hand–I gave Bella my undivided attention.
Bella's mouth twitched. "Yeah, I'll see you then."
Bella seemed to be lost in watching Jessica walk away. It made me curious.
"What are you going to tell her?" I asked quietly enough so Jessica couldn't hear.
Hundreds of possibilities entered my mind. I began listing them by probability.
"Hey!" she whispered fiercely. "I thought you couldn't read my mind!"
I stared at her surprised trying to make sense of her words. My mind was reeling again attempting to keep up with her.
"I can't," I finally stated. Then it dawned on me–we must have been thinking the same thing at the same time. Hmm … a warm glowing feeling started spreading through my body. Whatever the feeling was I would analyze it later. "However, I can read hers–she'll be waiting to ambush you in class."
The answers would be interesting. I couldn't wait to hear how that conversation went, especially in light of last night's events. Perhaps I would get the answer to Carlisle's curiosity regarding Bella's sentiments. Admittingly, I was just as curious.
She groaned and slumped her shoulders towards the ground, but managed to take my jacket off and hand it to me. I was hesitant to take it. I liked it on her. Consequently I was slow to assist her into her jacket and she had her own jacket on without noticing that my hands were held out. I put them back down, placing my jacket over my arm, and frowned wishing I understood what this girl was communicating to me, then rearranged my facial expression before she looked up. I wanted us to have a pleasant conversation, so I focused on the topic on hand.
"So what are you going to tell her?" I asked curiously.
I focused on Bella paying close attention to her expressions and body language.
She looked up pleading. "A little help? What does she want to know?"
I smiled, and shook my head. I wanted to know what she was thinking without my interference. She edited her thoughts for me, and I wanted to know what I would learn from her talking to Jessica.
"That's not fair," I said in a teasing tone.
I watched as Bella's features contorted into frustration? Irritation?
"No, you not sharing what you know–now that's not fair."
She started walking again and I went with her. She was right again. She didn't like double standards. I came into this existence with this advantage. It was an unfair advantage, but that didn't stop others before. Sure, Emmett teased me about it, and Rosalie resented me for it, but they all got on with things. Not Bella. Of course not Bella.
What would a friend do? What would Angela do? I reviewed what I had learned from Angela thus far. She had made sure to decrease Bella's embarrassment. Fine! I grumbled to myself. I had said I would learn how to be a better friend to Bella from Angela anyway. We were now outside Bella's first class.
"She wants to know if we're secretly dating. And she wants to know how you feel about me."
It seemed only right to leave out the jealousy and other bits. Being kind to Bella didn't mean I had to betray Jessica's inner world. That would be ill-chosen.
"Yikes. What should I say?" Her face only had the slightest indication of concern.
Yes, I was right to follow Angela's example to give her these small details.
I pondered that. "Hmmm."
How did she manage to always try to have me give away more than her? I would have to find some way around that.
A wayward strand of hair slipped out from her bun. It caught my attention. I carefully, as to not to touch her since she didn't like cold things and it was already chilly out, and gently grabbed it and tucked it back into place before my brain could properly object. I remembered how she had recoiled from Mike when he had done a similar motion earlier this week. My jaw locked in place from the memory. But this was not her reaction. Instead her eyes widened, blood rushed under her skin, and her heart produced an uneven thumping.
Her response pleased me–she hasn't recoiled as I had expected–and then just as quickly I was disgusted with myself. The reality that she meant her yes sunk in just a little bit more. I tried to hide the smile that was threatening to fill my face. Why was my body insistent on betraying me? It was so easy to get lost in her. I would have to make sure I didn't do that.
"I suppose you could say yes to the first," it was her choice I chastised myself, but at least I'd caught this one in the moment, "if you don't mind–it's easier than any other explanation."
Can you see now Bella the complications and lies you will have to tell in order to be around me? I have been trying to save you from that and so much more, but since you're insistent on saying yes telling these little fibs are critical. I felt as if the darkness was already touching this angel, but I had no way to stop it. It was of her own doing. I reminded myself of my atonement and her choices.
"I don't mind," she said faintly drawing me out of my musings.
I hoped her faintness was due to her absorbing some reality, but knowing how much she didn't do what I expected, probably not. Right. She was choosing this. I was respecting her choice. She was choosing this, I told myself again. Then my mind remembered the second half of what Jessica had wanted from Bella.
"And as for her other question," I tired to contain my excitement, but was failing. "Well, I'll be listening to hear the answer to that one myself."
You know the truth, but I'm reminding you. All's fair, especially with warning.
I held back my laugh as I watched shock cross her face. It was good to know that even though she knew the truth, she hadn't considered all the ramifications. I turned quickly before she could ask me anything else. And it was her thoughts, not mine that I was curious in.
"I'll see you at lunch," I called back to her over my shoulder–an excuse to check that she was still staring after me, wide-eyes.
Her mouth hung open. She really was adorable. The bigger truths she took in with little reaction, but these smaller truths playing out in her life were different. It reassured me that even though she knew what I was and had said yes, that it would not last. The reality would become too much and she would say no. I would honour her choice now and I would honour it when she said no. It was the gentlemanly thing to do, after all.
As I walked away student's expressions and thoughts about the exchange between Bella and I whirled around me. None of them were of any concern to my family, so I paid them little mind. Nevertheless, I did make sure that my brain was set to catch if I heard any new rumours that might expose us without opening my mind up completely. I worked at appearing normal. If my behaviour would cause people to pay attention to me, then the least I could do was present the illusion of humanness well. I kept the smile on my face as it seemed appropriate, since humans didn't usually change their facial expressions quickly, until I was nearly at my own class. Right before I sat down I put on my jacket taking in Bella scent. I burned, but I hoped my hypothesis about desensitization would prove correct. It would prepare me for lunch and then Biology.
I was grateful now for my six weeks of despondency as my teachers rarely called on me. Today they would have caught me unprepared. My mind was too split. I was keeping tabs on the population in general, reviewing my conversation with Bella this morning, wondering what Bella would say to Jessica in Trig, and, of course, watching Bella. The last part had been a part of my past six weeks that I did it without any purposeful intention now.
I heard how Mike started a conversation with her and her deftness at focusing the conversation on Jessica instead. That was the part of Bella I knew I could count on–her not liking to talk about herself. Maybe the half-truths and lies wouldn't be so difficult for her. I pondered the possible ramifications if that was the case. I was so pleased to be right about at least one aspect of Bella that I smiled so widely that Rob Sawyer, who sat at the desk to my right, flinched visibly and slid deeper into his seat away from me.
Ugh. Creepy.
Guess I haven't lost my touch entirely. That's good to know. Perhaps it was just females? I wasn't sure how I felt about that. For the briefest of moments I wondered if that explained Carlisle and nurses. I internally giggled at the comparison. Of all the things to be like Carlisle, that one I could do without.
I was also monitoring Jessica loosely, watching as she refined her questions. I could barely wait. I was ten times more eager and anxious than the curious human girl who wanted fresh gossip.
And I was listening to Angela Weber. I was trying to find a way to thank her for her kindness, but she was being unaccommodating. She was oddly content for a teenager. She didn't really want anything materialistic, she enjoyed her family, and was a diligent student. It was very sweet, but not really helpful to me.
The bell rang. I went to my next class, but my attention was on Jessica. I had to remind myself not to become totally absorbed. My public interactions with Bella required even more diligence on my part. I couldn't let my family down on this small role I knew how to play. I had already accidently scared Rob. I needed to be careful.
She looks … glum. Why? Maybe there's nothing going on with Edward Cullen. That would be disappointing. Except … then he's still available … If he's suddenly interested in dating, I don't mind helping out with that …
I wondered if Jessica's interpretation of Bella's face being glum was accurate. I could see no reason why she would be glum. Maybe I wasn't the only one bad at reading Bella's face. That cheered me up. Unless it was because she knew I'd be listening. Hmm …
Tell me everything! It was loud and demanding. I wondered about the pitch. I tried to tune into Jessica's voice with my hearing, but there was too much chatter at the school to be able to hear her as clearly as I needed. From here it sounded like a whisper in a crowded room. Even though I knew I would get more limited information, I focused on Jessica's thoughts .
Ugh, she's so slow. Let's get to the juicy stuff!
Okay, she wants to know what I want to know. That's good. This way I can get her to spill the beans. I want to know what happened moment by moment after we left.
And then? C'mon, there has to be more than that! She's lying anyway; I know that. I'm going to call her on it.
I was pleased that whatever Bella said was unsatisfactory to Jessica.
So what if he drives like a maniac, how long were they at the restaurant exactly? Maybe I had this all wrong. Maybe they were at the restaurant longer than in the car, assuming she's not lying about that part.
Huh. She sounds like she's telling the truth. Why is she making me pull this out of her, word by word? I would be bragging at the top of my lungs if it were me.
I laughed out loud. Bella's evasiveness was reassuring but hilarious. I had interrupted Mr. Mason's announcements. I tried to turn the laugh into a cough, but no one bought it. He shot me an irritated look. I needed to get better control of myself. I checked that it had raised no suspicions and turned my focus back to Jessica.
If she didn't tell him to meet her there or vice versa, then was it even a date?
What is going on? This makes no sense. She ate food with him last night and then he picked her up this morning. If that's not dating, then what? There has to be more to the story.
She seems like she's being honest that she was surprised last night and this morning. Does that mean he's into her and she's not even aware of it. That would be just like her! Just like Tyler. Every boy wants her, but she's always surprised. Better for me, though. Maybe I could get Edward to look my way … Focus. First I have to determine what I'm up against. If these weren't dates, then does she have one with him?
Hmm. He sure is going out of his way to … well, take care of her, sort of. There must be something there on his side, if not hers. How could THAT be? Bella's crazy.
Wow … she does have a date with Edward Cullen. Whether she likes him or not, this is major.
Finally … she sounds like she gets that he's into her. She must realize … Hold on. I forgot the most important question–if he kissed her. Please say yes. And then describe every detail so that at least I can live vicariously through you.
No? Really? Ha. Looks like she does to wish he'd kissed her.
Yeah, she does wish. That sucks for her.
For a half-second I was distracted by the idea, the impossibility, of what it would be like to try to kiss Bella. My lips to her lips, cold stone to warm, yielding silk.
And then she dies.
I shook my head to dislodge the image, winced, hoped Mr. Mason didn't notice, nope, I was good.
Did you talk to him at all or did you make him drag every ounce of information out of you like this?
I smiled ruefully. Jessica wasn't far off.
They talked about the English essay? Really? Who talks about an essay at a restaurant? Two goody-too-shoes.
I smiled wider, and then quickly closed my mouth. No need to scare the children in this class too.
Oh, c'MON. Please Bella! Give me something. You're killing me here.
The idea of Bella killing anyone in this way brought a smile back to my face. It certainly was exasperating for me, but it didn't kill me. Probably helped that I was nearly indestructible. Maybe any moment now Jessica was going to die from internal combustion. The idea was marginally amusing.
He didn't pay attention to the waitress even though she was pretty, older, and flirting with him? Hum. Even Mike didn't do that. He certainly didn't have only eyes for me when we went out. And that girl wasn't even pretty, although she was older than us. Hump. He must like her if he didn't notice the waitress.
Luckily for me most of the students in the school were no longer talking and my ears were better able to make out Jessica and Bella's conversation. However, as they were whispering it still was challenging to catch every word. Jessica's thoughts were by far louder and clearer.
It sounded like Jessica said, "Even better. He must like you."
And then Bella said, "I think so, but it's hard to tell. He's always so cryptic."
I must not have been as transparent and out of control as I thought. That's good news. Still … observant as she was … how could she have not seen the irresistible pull I have towards her? Perhaps my expectation that she would say no to me, and then my rejection of her choice had overwhelmed everything else? Now that I was accepting her yes, what would that mean? Would she see through me even more so?
Wow. How do you sit there across from a male model and make conversation? About an English essay?
Weird reaction. What does she think I meant? I'm not insulting her. Anyone can see, even someone as blind as Bella how intimidating he can be.
She might be incoherent around him, but I don't see how it would matter. He is just unbelievably gorgeous. Who needs talking, anyway?
That was interesting that Bella had professed herself to be incoherent around me. I found her unnaturally self-composed. She must be trying to make Jessica feel better.
Oooh. Now we're getting somewhere.
I tried hearing them again. "Really? Like what?" It sounded like Jessica challenged.
"I can't explain it right … but he's even more unbelievable behind the face," it seemed that Bella had said in reply.
That couldn't be right. I felt that uncomfortable feeling I get when Carlisle or Esme praised me beyond what I deserved. But more intense, more consuming. I must have heard her wrong. I went back to solely listening to Jessica's thoughts.
Sell stupid somewhere else–there's nothing better than that face! Unless it is that body. Swoon.
Fine! Ignore me! A normal person would be gloating. Maybe if I keep the questions simple. Like I'm talking to a kindergartener. It's obvious that you like him.
Okay, so you do like him, but do you really like him?
Look at that blush. She must really be into him! I wonder how much?
Too much? More than he likes her? But she doesn't know how she can help that? Oh, that girl has it good. That wasn't at all how she made it sound! She was holding back! Now that I have her cornered …
Shoot! What did Mr. Varner just ask?
I was glad for Bella's sake as much as my own that Jessica had to pay attention in class. I needed time to digest what had just been said. What on earth was that girl thinking? Bella believed that her affection towards me was more than mine towards her, but she didn't know how she could help it? What was that supposed to mean?
I spent the rest of the period reviewing every conversation Bella and I had, especially yesterday trying to find a rational explanation. It seemed like I couldn't take anything for granted. Somehow obvious things, things that made perfect sense got twisted up and turned backwards in that bizarre brain of hers. More than he likes me? Really?! I had risked everything to keep her safe and she cared about me more? Maybe I shouldn't rule out the institution yet. Frustration and anger began to fill me, but school wasn't a good place for those emotions. I took in a deep breath reminding myself of the children surrounding me.
Lunch couldn't come fast enough.
The minutes of this class were going by excruciatingly slow. I waited for the bell to ring and for Jessica to start again with her questions, but Bella was quicker. As soon as the bell sounded, Bella must have said something about Mike because Jessica's thoughts were, Mike asked about me? Joy made Jessica's mind suddenly unguarded, softer, without its usual snide edge.
What did he say? What did you answer? Details. I need details.
The way to class and the whole next period Jessica spent consumed with Mike. I could just imagine Bella's smug smile at being able to get out of talking about herself.
Emmett made his regular jokes about me having lost my marbles, but he had grown accustomed to me spending most of the period focused on listening to Bella's friends.
Going to sit with us, bro?
I shook my head in the slow no way I did when I was answering a thought from my family.
You sure about spending lunch with the girl again?
I shrugged very slowly so it looked like I was just trying to ease tension in my shoulders. I wasn't sure it was a good idea, but I could think of no other way to find out what she meant by her ridiculous statement. Being in my car alone with her given her scent while being irritated sounded too dangerous. No, it would be better for her if we were in a public place where I would be forced to keep myself together.
On your head be it.
I nodded slowly yes. I knew Emmett was partially kidding and partially warning me about Rosalie. Better that than Bella dead I reasoned. Despite my apology to Rosalie the other day and her getting to drive her convertible to school, I doubted that her animosity towards Bella had diminished any. I would worry about Rosalie tonight. That was not a conversation I was looking forward to. At least Alice would tell Jasper separately. That was something.
Luckily Bella's and my classes were close enough that I was able to stand waiting for her outside of her class.
I heard Jessica guess, "You're not sitting with us today, are you?" She looks all lit up. Bet there's tons she didn't tell me.
"I don't think so." She seemed to have uncertainty in her voice.
I had said we would. Did she not believe me? Did she think I was a liar? Okay I had lied and broken promises, but not recently. In fact I'd been very careful not to lie to Bella recently. This was insufferable.
They came out of the class together, and both girls' eyes widened when they saw me.
Nice. Wow. Oh, yeah, there's more going on here than she's telling me. Maybe I'll call her tonight … Or maybe I shouldn't encourage her. Huh. I hope he moved past her in a hurry. Mike is cute, but … wow.
Then she rolled her eyes and departed with, "See you later, Bella."
Bella walked toward me, pausing a step away, still unsure. Her skin was pink across her cheekbones. I realised that I might have previously incorrectly assessed her distance. I knew assuredly now that it wasn't fear motivating her hesitation. With her conversation with Jessica in hand it seemed more plausible that it was due to some gulf she imagined between her feelings and mine. More than he likes me. Absurd!
"Hello," I said, my voice a tad curt.
Her face got brighter. "Hi."
Now why did she have to do that? Act like my mere presence made her day better, when she knew I was a monster. It was like her throwing herself into my car full of trust.
She didn't seem inclined to say anything else, and I didn't want to talk here in the halls, so I walked towards the cafeteria with her silently beside me.
The jacket had worked–her scent was not the blow it usually was. It was just an intensification of the pain I already felt. It wasn't at all like other people's scent that barely registered now and I could ignore without thought. No, it was there and making itself known. But I could ignore it to a degree I would have never believed possible.