The phone rings in the Gilmore household while Lorelai is upstairs. But before she could make it all the way down the answering machine gets it. "Hey. We're not in, so-OW! Bashed my thumb. Leave a message." Lorelai runs downstairs with the intentions of answering it until she hears her mother's voice.
"I am so tired of this ridiculous machine. I get it every time-"
"Oh! That was so close." Lorelai says.
"You all are always out. What is it that you do? Is your house that awful you can't be in it? It's too much excitement, if you ask me." Emily continues.
"Well, what isn't in Emily's rules of conduct?"
"I don't want to talk to a machine. I'll just call you later." Emily hangs up.
"If you had your way, Mother, you'd lock us up like veal. You want veal children." Lorelai starts to go back upstairs when the phone rings again. "Hey. We're not in, so-OW! Bashed my thumb. Leave a message."
"It's me again-" Emily says through the machine.
Lorelai gasps. "You are talking to a machine."
"-don't forget that my D.A.R. meeting's on Tuesday-"
"It's burned into my brain. It's there forever." Lorelai says, sarcastically.
"3:00. And the women are all extremely punctual."
"When I'm senile and gaga and drooling into a cup, and I can't remember my name, I'll still remember that your D.A.R. meeting is that Tuesday." Lorelai says over Emily's voice.
"I'll talk to you about some other things later." Emily hangs up.
"I'd have to be deprogrammed by cult deprogrammers to get that Tuesday out of my brain." The phone rings again. "Hey. We're not in, so-OW! Bashed my thumb. Leave a message."
Lorelai just stands there not even bothering to answer it. "Your phone message is annoying-" Emily says.
Lorelai rolls her eyes. "Unbelievable."
"-you know how annoying it is?"
"I think I have a standard against which to measure it."
"-you heard it lately?"
"Can't because I'm amputating my ears." Lorelai covers her ears and starts backing away from the machine.
"-don't say your name. That thumb bashing thing, is that a joke?" Lorelai goes upstairs as her mother continues on. "Why is that your jokes are always-"
"What an ear-less world. What a dream!" Lorelai yells.
Lauren slams her locker shut after she puts the necessary things that she needs into her book bag. She looks over at Elizabeth's locker, that isn't too far from hers. She hadn't seen Elizabeth in a couple weeks, since she tried sneaking out to meet her. When she did try to call Elizabeth to apologize, her phone went straight to voicemail which Lauren thought was weird. Lauren couldn't take much more of not seeing her best friend or even hearing from her. She'd usually see her at school, but she hadn't been here and no one could tell her why. So, Lauren grabs her stuff and runs out of school, heading straight to Elizabeth's. She didn't care who saw her, she needed to know what was going on with her friend. When she makes it to Elizabeth's, she doesn't see Liz's mom's vehicle in the driveway, so she climbs the porch steps and knocks on the door. She hadn't been there since the boys were there. Moments go by and Lauren is still knocking on the door, hoping for an answer.
Elizabeth opens the door, and Lauren could tell that she not only looks exhausted, but she had been crying. "Hey!" She smiles at her best friend.
Elizabeth looks behind Lauren. "Hey." She says, nervously.
Lauren glance back as well then turns back to her friend. "I wanted to come by and check on you. I know I'm not supposed to be here and you're still grounded, but I wanted to tell you how sorry I was for the other night. I've been trying to call you to tell you what happened, but I haven't been able to get through. Jess caught me and after that Rory wouldn't let me out of her sight." Lauren explains.
"I know." Elizabeth says, simply.
"Elizabeth, are you okay?" Lauren asks, looking worried at how weird Elizabeth was being.
"I'm moving." Elizabeth sighs. She didn't want to look at her friend, and Lauren was glad she didn't because immediate tears started to form in her best friend's eyes.
"You're what?" Lauren asks.
"I'm moving to California with my dad. My mom thought it would be best for me. I'm sorry, Lauren. I can't talk right now. I have to go." And with that, Elizabeth closes the door.
Lauren turns around, still in shock. Elizabeth is moving. Her best friend is moving. Lauren didn't know how she was supposed to react to this. She was upset. Angry. She walks down Elizabeth's porch and walks out into the square. She was zoned out and didn't even notice the few cars that were swerving around her so that they wouldn't hit her. Lauren was moving slowly down the road, still not paying attention to where she was going, when Jess comes out of no where and picks Lauren up before the bus, that was coming right towards her, hits her. It obviously didn't phase Lauren because she was still staring off when Jess puts her down.
"Lauren!" Jess yells. "Hey, talk to me!" He says, trying to get her attention. Lauren looks ups at Jess. "Okay. You're there. Good."
"Hey!" Rory yells as soon as she comes off of the bus after seeing everything. She runs over to them. "What is going on?" She asks when she gets closer.
Jess shrugs. "I don't know. She's in her own world."
Rory bends down to look Lauren in her eyes. "Hey. What's wrong?"
"What?" Lauren asks, finally coming to. "Rory?"
"Hey."
"I'm gonna go home." Lauren walks passed Rory. Rory watches, looking confused, as she follows her sister, closely behind.
Lorelai and Sookie are standing at a table, at the inn, where Emily is sitting, tasting the soups for the D.A.R. meeting.
"Haven't you already tasted that soup twice, Mom?" Lorelai asks, impatiently.
"You're keeping a running count?" Emily asks her daughter.
"I'm morbidly fascinated."
"Well, Lorelai, when you're tasting anything, the first taste acclimates the palate, the second establishes a foundation, the third is to make your decision."
Lorelai glares at Sookie. "Oh, there's gonna be a third one."
"Isn't it what this is for, to taste the soup?" Emily asks.
"Taste them, yes. Not to orally deduce their chemical structures."
"Everything has to be at your pace."
"Or at a pace that can't be measured by the number of times the earth circles the sun." Lorelai complains.
"You know, actually, I've heard that." Sookie says.
"What?"
"One is to acclimate, two is for foundation, and three is to judge."
Lorelai gasps. "Traitor."
"The women in my group are very picky." Emily tells them. "When the pate at the meeting Heddy Convington organized was slightly less chilly than appropriate, she was ostracized for a month."
"Well, that hussy Heddy had it coming."
"Lorelai." Emily scolds.
"Okay, Mom, I got a lot of other things happening. They can't come to a grinding halt for this."
"So, your full attention for a short period is too much to ask for?"
"Mom, I'm already giving you more attention than I would someone in this circumstances. No one else would get eight separate soups to taste for a lousy D.A.R.-" Emily glares at her daughter. "-Sorry. A not lousy D.A.R. meeting. We only do this for weddings."
"Well, would you like me to pay for the tasting?"
"No. Just decide in this calendar year."
"Hey. Can I-" Sookie grabs another soup and switches it with the one Emily is holding. "I'm sorry. The mushroom is a great choice. It's super-popular and it's my Jackson's favorite."
"Whose?" Emily asks.
"Jackson. My fiance." Sookie smiles. Jackson proposed during the basket auction and Sookie said yes immediately. She wanted to spend the rest of her life with Jackson. She didn't have to think twice about it.
"Oh, you're getting married?"
"To the best man in the world." Sookie says, happily.
"Hey. While we're on the subject, bridesmaids outfits." Lorelai tells her.
"Oh. I'm way ahead of you. I already got a couple of ideas."
"Is one of them having me design and make them so I don't secretly hate what you pick and harbor a secret grudge against you for the rest of our lives?"
Sookie grimaces. "It is now."
"I'll do it." Lorelai smiles.
"We're a good team." Sookie laughs.
Michel walks up. "That fellow's on the phone from the restaurant."
Lorelai looks confused. "Who?"
"The flannel man with the protruding ankles."
"Oh, Luke?"
"I forgot his name from the desk to here. That's how memorable he is." Michel says, sounding bored.
"Okay. Thank you." Lorelai begins to follow Michel.
"Where are you going?" Emily asks, stopping her.
"To talk to Luke." Lorelai tells her.
"Can't you call him back?"
"Have your third taste." Lorelai tells her as she walks away.
"Lorelai!" Emily yells. "Is she always this scattered?" Emily asks Sookie.
"She's the stablest person I know." Sookie says.
"That's very sad." Emily takes another taste. "Well, I think you're right. Mushroom."
"Great."
"So, tell me more about your wedding."
"Oh, I just started planning. Not much to tell." Sookie tells her.
"Well, have you decided on anything yet? Location or the music for the ceremony?"
"Oh, we'll probably just wind up playing something off a C.D."
Emily gives Sookie a disapproving look. "Oh."
"What?" Sookie frowns.
"Well, C.D's can be very unreliable. They break sometimes or they skip or the person assigned to turn them on and off gets distracted and the whole ceremony is ruined." Emily explains.
"I hadn't thought about that."
"Have you thought about live music? A nice string ensemble."
Sookie smiles at the thought. "That sounds nice."
"There are a couple of wonderful groups I could recommend."
"Sure. It doesn't hurt to check them out."
"No, it doesn't." Emily takes another taste of the soup and smiles. "Mushroom soup."
Sookie stares away, thinking about her wedding. "String quartet."
Lorelai picks up the phone when she reaches the front desk.
"Luke?"
"Yeah. Hi." He says.
"Hello."
"How's it going?"
"Pretty good. How's things with you?"
"Not bad. Dropped some eggs. Hazard of the business. Am I catching you at a bad time?" Luke asks, nervously.
"No. It's kind of slow here. So slow that Michel and I were about to get the tetherball out." She jokes.
"That's the thing with the ball tethered to a rope?"
"Hey. I never knew that's where the tether comes from." Lorelai says, amused.
"Yeah. It's tied like an anchor is tethered to a rope on a boat." Luke explains.
"Neat. Neat."
"Most people don't put that together."
"Probably not. So, anything else?" Lorelai laughs, lightly, at the awkwardness.
"Yeah, actually. If I need a room or two for a couple of days, would it be possible?"
"You need rooms?" She asks, a little surprised. She walks to the computer to check out their schedule.
"Like, nine."
"You need nine rooms?"
"Just for a couple of days. Wednesday and Thursday."
"I can take care of that. What's it for?"
"Uh. I just got some family coming in."
"Reunion? We can get the tetherball out." She jokes.
"No. Funeral."
"What?" Lorelai says, sadly.
"Yeah. My uncle Louie died last night, and I'm arranging the funeral for him." Luke tells her.
"Oh, Luke, I'm so sorry. Here I was babbling about tetherball."
"You weren't babbling." Luke assures her.
"You've got nine rooms. Wednesday and Thursday."
"You sure?"
"It's a done deal."
"Thanks."
"Luke, I'm so so sorry."
"It's okay. It sounds like he went peacefully. He was 85."
"But it's always hard. You okay?"
"Yeah, I'm okay." Luke says.
"Can I help you with anything else?"
"No. The rooms are help enough."
"Are you sure? Cause I'm dealing with my mom now and I'd be happy to rush over and help with whatever. You'd be doing me a favor."
"The rooms are all I need. Thanks."
"You're welcome."
"Well, I got to go."
"Call if you need anything."
"I will. Oh, by the way, that French guy is a putz."
"Oh, yeah. He knows."
"Alright. See ya."
"Bye." Lorelai hangs up and looks sadly at the phone.
Rory, Lorelai, and Lauren are walking towards Luke to have breakfast. Lauren hadn't said much since Rory found her yesterday. Rory and her mom were both so confused on what was going on. Rory explained to Lorelai what had happened and Lorelai was frightened. Knowing her daughter could have been hit by a car or a bus just because she was having a bad day. Lauren wasn't ready to go to anyone right now and talk about it because she was just as confused as they were. She had all these questions and she wasn't able to get the answers for them.
They were relieved when Lauren finally came out of her room that morning for school. Lorelai thought she would have to breakdown the door to get her out. She hadn't said anything except a simple good morning to her mom when she walked out. Lorelai was just happy that her daughter didn't disagree about going eat breakfast with them.
"That is so sad." Rory says. Lorelai had just told her about Luke's uncle.
"I know." Lorelai agrees.
"Was Luke shaken over his uncle dying?"
"I don't know." Lorelai shrugs. "He's so unflappable. It's hard to tell."
"The man definitely can't be flopped."
The girls walk into Luke's and see that the place is packed, waiting to be serviced. "Can I get another cup of coffee?" A lady yells from the back table.
"In a minute." Luke yells before returning back to his phone call.
"Is that my food?" A man asks when a plate is brought out.
"More coffee here, too!" Another yells.
"In a minute!" Luke yells as she tries to balance all the plates, in his hands, while still trying to stay on the phone.
"Is that my food?" The man repeats.
"More coffee for me, too." Kirk tells him.
"Shut up, Kirk." Luke snaps. "Look, I'm doing all I can here, folks." Luke walks over to the girls with the phone still on his ear.
"Hey. What are you doing?" Lorelai asks him.
They each grab a plate from Luke. "Thanks. I'm on the phone."
"We noticed."
"I can't serve and be on the phone."
"We noticed that, too." Rory tells him as they follow him to the counter.
"But your reenactment of Jerry Lewis in The Diner Guy will wow the critics." Lorelai says.
"Where do the poached eggs go?" Lauren asks.
"Crank in the hat." Luke points to the guy who had been asking about his food.
"Hey. I'm not a crank! You're a crank!" The man yells.
"He is a crank." Lauren agrees as she brings him his food.
"And the French toast?" Lorelai asks.
"The lady with the giant purse." Luke tells her.
Lorelai drops the plate at the right table and then watches Luke try to stay on the phone while managing the plates he was carrying. "Hey. Fall back here." Lorelai says as she leads him back towards the counter.
"What are you doing?"
"Come here." Luke walks behind the counter and Lorelai takes the plates from him. "Just stay on the phone and give me these. Where do they go?"
"Table by the window."
"Don't you number your tables?"
"No."
"You should number your tables."
"What good would that do? If I said a number, you wouldn't know what table's what number."
"But all restaurants number their tables."
"They go to table five." He glares.
"Cool." Lorelai smiles. "Which one is that?"
"The table by the window."
Rory walks up. "By the window, Wilma." Lorelai says, handing her the plate.
"Got it, Gertie."
"Luke, what about the coffee?" Kirk asks.
"I got it." Lorelai tells Luke. She grabs the coffee and pours some into Kirk's mug.
"Sorry about this." Luke apologizes.
"It's okay." Lorelai shrugs.
"The world's full of people who micromanage their lives to the point where they can't wait an extra second."
"We're running out of coffee."
"I'll make some more."
Lorelai looks around. "No. I got it."
"Do you know how?"
"Do I?" Lorelai scoffs. "I'm Cathy Coffee, mister the bastard offspring of Mrs. Folger and Juan Valdez."
"Hey, Luke. Where's Jess?" Rory asks as she walks up.
"I don't know." Luke tells her.
"School?"
"Please. Probably upstairs."
"Really? Excuse me." Rory goes upstairs to Luke's apartment.
"It's too strong." Luke says as he watches Lorelai pour the coffee.
"It's not." She argues.
"That's too strong." He repeats.
"You're on the phone."
"Not everyone likes it strong."
"Then I shall convert them. I'm the Jehovah's coffee girl." Lorelai smiles while Luke shakes his head and walks away.
Rory walks up to the apartment and knocks. "Jess, open up! I know you're in there!"
Jess opens the door. "My, aren't we bright-eyed and bush-tailed." He says, sarcastically.
"Luke needs you downstairs."
"Why?"
"Because he's on the phone, Caesar's off today, the place is packed. He needs help." Rory says, sternly.
Jess walks back to the t.v. "I'll be down in a minute."
"No. Now." She demands as she walks into the apartment.
"I'm in the middle of something."
Rory grabs Jess by his shoulders and leads him out. "Just assume that Jeannie's gonna get Major Healey out of whatever he's in."
"Geez. Thanks for spoiling it for me."
Downstairs, Lorelai is pouring Kirk more coffee.
"I need some more Equal." He tells her.
Lorelai looks down at the packs of sugar. "There's one right there."
"I need seven."
"Seven?" Lorelai questions. "You're not squirreling these away in your pocket for home use, are you?" She asks as she grabs a handful from under the counter.
"No." Kirk says, nervously. "I use seven in my coffee."
"Okay. Good. Then allow me." Lorelai opens seven packs and pours them all into Kirk's mug. "There you go. Go ahead and give that a taste. See if it's to your liking?" She smiles.
"Okay." Kirk takes a sip, and grimaces a little. "Perfection."
"Good" Jess falls through the doorway and quickly gets back up. "You're very graceful." Lorelai tells him.
Jess looks back at Rory, who comes up behind him. "She pushed me"
"Sue me." Rory says.
"I could've broke my neck."
"As long as it's not your arm. We need your arm." Rory gives him the coffee pot and leads him to the front.
Luke walks up to Lorelai. "It took my twenty minutes to get passed this place's busy signal and then they put me on hold forever."
"Who's keeping you on hold?" Lorelai asks.
"That mortuary in Florida where my uncle's at."
"Florida?" Lorelai asks, confused. "I thought he was in the area."
"Oh, no. He spent most of his life here but retired to Orlando. So, I got to ship the body back here."
"Oh, he wanted to be buried in Stars Hollow?"
"No. My dad wanted my uncle buried here right next to him."
Lorelai smiles. "That's nice."
"Well, they were really close, and Louie didn't have a family to look out for things. Before my dad died, he asked me if I'd look out for him." Luke explains.
"Good Louie."
"Yeah. He just wanted me to make sure he got a proper funeral. You know, respectfully, dignified."
"No horse show carnation wreaths." Lorelai understands. "Got it. Good man, that dad of yours."
"And since Louie's a war veteran the town Revolutionary War re-enactors will attend the service, do the salute thing. I mean, it makes me nauseous, but my dad wanted it. Yeah, hi. I'm still here." He says, quickly, into the phone. "Yes, the deceased is Louie Danes. Right. No, Hartford's not too far. I can do that. Thanks." Luke hangs up. "Great. That's done. Okay. I should probably go pick out a coffin before he gets here."
"Great. Go."
"I have to close up."
"No. You're covered." Lorelai tells him.
"You don't have to do this."
"We don't mind. Go. It'll give me a chance to number the tables." She teases.
Luke smirks. "Be my guest."
"Also, are they arranged like this for any particular reason?"
"Don't change anything."
"It's totally not Feng Shui."
"Gertie."
"Go."
Lauren walks over and leans against the counter. She rips a piece of paper out of the notepad and slaps it down in front of her mom. "Okay. I got a few orders. So, unless you want me to quit school and work at a diner, then-"
Lorelai grabs the paper, gratefully. "Go." She smiles.
"Okay." Lauren turns to walk away, but Lorelai grabs her arms, stopping her.
"Are you okay?" She asks, sincerely. Lauren shrugs, and Lorelai reaches down and kisses her daughter, gently, on her cheek. Lauren gives her mom a small smile before walking out of the diner.
Lorelai found some time to get out of the diner and head to her real job at the inn. When she walks into the lobby, Michel is there impatiently waiting for her.
"Lorelai, good. Tell me about the nine rooms set aside here. There's no name anywhere that I can see, and no credit card to hold them. Mistake?" Michel asks.
"No. It's for Luke."
"For whom?"
"Luke from Luke's diner." Lorelai tells him.
"Nine rooms for Luke from Luke's diner?" Michel questions.
"That's right."
"French Fry convention?"
"No. Just personal."
"Milkshake symposium?"
"No. It's personal. I'm vouching for him."
"Soda pop seminar?" Michel continues.
"Stop."
"Pickle party?"
"He's got nine rooms. Now, stifle." Lorelai looks up and sees her mom walking into the inn. "Mom, hi." She says, nervously.
Emily walks up. "Lorelai, hello."
Lorelai looks confused. "I'm sorry. Did we get out signals crossed? I don't remember making an appointment with you."
"We have to make appointments to see each other?" Emily asks as they walk towards the dining area.
"No. But, good one."
"I'm not here to see you."
"Oh, this isn't about the D.A.R. meeting?"
"No. That's ready to go. I'm here to meet with Sookie."
"Sookie?" Lorelai asks.
"I'm a little late. Traffic was awful. Excuse me, would you?" Lorelai follows Emily further into the dining area where there are beautiful table settings set up at each table.
"Oh, my-" Lorelai says.
Sookie walks up. "Aren't they beautiful?"
"Gorgeous. What are they for?"
"My wedding."
"Your wedding?"
"Emily, hi!" Sookie says, happily, seeing Emily.
"Well, is this everything I said it was?" Emily asks, smiling.
"And more."
Lorelai looks at Sookie. "What do you mean they're for your wedding?"
"Oh, it's this company's sample place setting. Emily set me up with them." Sookie explains. "They did Celine Dion's wedding and Steven Spielberg's daughter's Jack Russell Terrier's 'bark' mitzvah."
"You're putting me on."
Emily and Sookie laugh. "I couldn't make that up." Sookie tells her.
"Excuse me." Emily says to the help. "This one's slightly asymmetrical. Fix, please."
"What is with the fancy place settings? I thought you were gonna keep it simple?" Lorelai asks once Emily is out of earshot.
"It is simple." Sookie tells her.
Lorelai points to the plant. "It lights up."
"Just flip a switch. Simple."
"How did my mother get so involved?" Lorelai asks as they walk around.
"She's not that involved. She just mentioned the other day that she knew some people that could make sample of stuff for us, like table settings, flower arrangements."
"We were gonna do the flowers ourselves."
"But what a hassle that would be."
"It's to save money. Flowers cost a lot." Lorelai reminds her.
"But the sampling of what they're doing today is free. I'm not committed to any of this." Sookie assures her.
"I hope not." Lorelai says, looking unsure.
"It's true. I say no, it all goes away. Not a penny is spent."
"Okay."
"And it's fun."
"I don't want to take away you fun." Lorelai says, honestly. "I just want you to be careful. You've entered Emily-Land. It's an upside down world where the Horchow house is low-rent and diamonds less than 24 carats are Cracker Jack trinkets and Bentley's are for losers who can't afford a Rolls."
"But I'm okay. Really."
"Alright. I have to help Luke with the lunch rush, so I gotta go."
"Go! We're fine!"
"Okay." Lorelai walks passed Emily. "Bye, Mom."
"Is that a fingerprint!?" Emily asks as she looks closer at the glass cup. "That's a fingerprint! Who touched this!?" Lorelai glances at Sookie. This was all going to blow up in Sookie's face, Lorelai was sure of it.
Rory is walking around, filling up cups with coffee, Lorelai is behind the counter, grabbing plates from the kitchen, while Lauren helps out in the back. A man walks up and sits at the counter.
"Hello, there." Lorelai greets him. "How's it going?"
"Very good, young lady. You still serving breakfast?" He asks her.
"We serve it all day. What'll you have?"
"Two eggs up on toast."
"Up, huh?" Lorelai asks.
"Yeah."
"Wouldn't you rather have scrambled?"
"Nope. Up's how I like them."
"Scrambles better. Give it a shot. Say you want two scrambled eggs on toast, please." Lorelai begs.
"Okay, young lady. Two scrambled eggs on toast." He repeats.
Lorelai smiles, gratefully, and walks to the kitchen. "Adam and Eve on a raft and wreck 'em!" She yells out. "That's real live diner talk." She says, proudly.
"Got it!" Lauren yells.
Lorelai grabs a plate and continues talking to the man. "See, the 'wreck 'em' is the scrambled part."
"I deduced that." He tells her.
Lorelai takes the plate and brings it to Taylor when Kirk walks in. "Hey, Kirk." She says.
"Hello. Where's Luke?" Kirk asks.
"He's busy with some stuff. So, Rory, Lauren, and I are helping out." Lorelai tells him as Kirk sits down at the counter. "What can I get you?" She asks, making her way back behind the counter.
"I don't know. I want lunch, but I'm not sure what to get."
"I have a suggestion: a hamburger with some strawberry ice cream with chocolate sauce for dessert?"
"Sounds good."
"Yo, burn one, then pass me a pink stick and throw some mud on it!" Lorelai yells. "I love this business!" She grabs a plate of burger and fries and heads up to Luke's apartment. Luke opens the door. "Hey. I brought you a wimply with a rose pinned on it." She tells him.
Luke looks confused. "A what?"
"A turkey burger with onions."
"Oh, thanks. Come in." Luke says, as they go inside the apartment.
"How's the money pit coming?" Lorelai asks as she looks around the construction.
"Just-" He points to the big open space in the corner of the apartment. "That's it."
"What's the matter?" Lorelai asks, noticing Luke's weird attitude.
Luke sighs. "None of them are coming, not one."
"Who?"
"My relatives, the ones I booked the rooms for. Not one is coming to Louie's funeral."
"You're kidding. Why?"
"I don't know. Which lame-o excuse do you want to hear first? A bunch of them claim they can't get out of work." Luke tells her.
"That's not so lame-o."
"Randy and Barbara don't want to miss their kid's rugby semifinal."
"Rugby had semifinals?" Lorelai asks.
"My sister never even called back. My cousins that my dad helped put through college said they were too exhausted from a fishing trip. And slightly disturbed cousin Frannie said she can't leave because her Petey's sick."
"Son?"
"Parrot."
"Petey, the parrot?"
"I saw the stupid thing once flapping its wings like crazy, banging around, squawking the only two words it knows over and over."
"That's disturbing." Lorelai agrees.
"My family's disturbing."
"I'm so sorry."
"This is wrong. This is not how it's done. A family member dies, you pay you respects, period."
"Look at it this way, if they don't want to be there, you don't want them there."
"My dad wanted them there."
"I know But hey, Louie lived in Stars Hollow most of his life. So, people from here will be there, right?" Lorelai asks.
"Right."
"I know it's upsetting, but maybe it's better this way."
"Yeah, I guess. I really hate that bird."
Rory walks in. "Hey, Mom?"
Lorelai looks at her daughter. "What's up, buddy? You got a herd of bulls shopping for China?"
"What?" Luke questions, looking confused.
"Customers." Lorelai tells him. "How long have you owned a diner?"
"Sorry. Jackson's outside. He wants to talk to you. Says it's important." Rory tells her.
"About what?"
"I don't know. He seems upset."
"Alright." Luke turns back to Luke. "You okay?"
"Yeah. Thanks." He says, sincerely.
"You might want to study that diner talk."
"I'll do that tonight."
Lorelai walks out while Rory looks around the apartment. "Hey, Luke. Where's Jess?"
"I don't know. Probably out playing basketball." Luke tells her.
"That little punk."
Lorelai walks downstairs and finds a woman sitting at the counter, looking through the menu. "Uh, hi. Can I take your order?"
"Yes. Bacon, lettuce, and tomato sandwich, no mayo." The woman tells her.
Lorelai walks towards the kitchen. "Yo! I need a piggy-piggy with a green bed-green blanket." She struggles.
Lauren peeks her head out, looking very confused. "A what?"
"BLT, no mayo. Rats." Lorelai sighs and walks outside to find a very sad looking Jackson. "Jackson?"
"I'm a miserable man." He tells her.
"What's up?"
"Remember that sweet, affordable little wedding Sookie and I agreed on with minimal disagreement, none in fact, perhaps the first time in the history of wedding planning, that a couple agreed 100% on everything?" Jackson asks.
"Yes."
"Gone. Ancient history. It's the library of Alexandria, the colossus of Rhodes. It's Pop Rocks. It's over. And do you know why?"
"My mother?" Lorelai guesses.
"Look." Jackson points to the square where Sookie and Emily are measuring something.
"What are they doing?"
"They're measuring the town."
"They're what?"
"They're measuring the entire town with tape measures. Your mother got hers at Neiman Marcus. It's platinum with gold leaf. It costs more than my car." Jackson tells her.
Lorelai looks embarrassed. "I'm so sorry."
"Look, I love Sookie, and I want her to have what she wants. But you see what they're doing now?"
"Yeah."
"According to their diagrams, that's where the 16-piece orchestra goes."
"How are they gonna fit a 16-piece orchestra in the gazebo?" Lorelai asks.
"Oh, they want to move the gazebo."
"What?"
"A gazebo that's been there for 100 years, and they want to move it. Who moves a gazebo?" Jackson asks in frustration. "What kind of twisted mind even thinks about moving a gazebo?"
"Okay. I'll take care of this." Lorelai promises.
"She's so excited." Jackson says about Sookie.
"She's brainwashed. She's Patricia Hearst and my mother is SLA."
"I just hope it's not too late."
"I hope so, too."
Rory comes back to the diner, dragging Jess with her. "Watch the shirt!" Jess complains.
"Cork it!" Rory yells.
Lorelai walks back into the diner where Lauren is handing a few plates out. "Hey. How's it going?" She asks her daughter.
"It's going good. I think I should quit school and just work in a diner for the rest of my life. I'm quite good at it." Lauren teases
Lorelai grabs her daughter's face. "I think too much grease has got into your brain."
"Ha. Ha." Lauren rolls her eyes, playfully.
The diner door opens and Lauren looks behind Lorelai and sees Elizabeth. They look at each other and Elizabeth hurries out of the diner. Lorelai and Rory look confused, but Lauren ignores them and walks back to the counter. "Okay. So, I know you can't hang out with Elizabeth right now, but I'm sure you can say hello when you see her." Lorelai says.
Lauren shrugs. "It's no big deal."
"No. I think that's a really big deal. Considering you two haven't seen each other, out of school, in quite awhile, I was expecting some jumping up and down and hugging."
"I haven't seen her at school either." Lauren says before she walks back into the kitchen.
Rory looks at Lorelai. "That was weird."
"Yeah, I know." Lorelai sighs.
Sookie is sitting at her computer, in the kitchen of the inn, with Michel standing behind her.
Lorelai walks in. "Hey. What's going on?"
"I'm downloading wedding stuff from Prague." Sookie tells her.
Lorelai grimaces. "Oh, you're kidding."
"It's streaming in right now. That's internet talk. Streaming. Did you know that?" Sookie asks as Lorelai makes herself coffee. "And did you know it's not called Czechoslovakia anymore? Just Czech Republic. Slovakia is its own separate thing. It's weird, isn't it? Like saying there's no more Connecticut. It's just 'Connec' and 'Ticut.'
Lorelai walks back over. "What are you downloading from Prague?"
"This will much amuse you." Michel tells her.
"Color samples for the big ceramic stands." Sookie says.
"Stands for what?" Lorelai asks.
"For the giant paper-mache mushrooms.
"What are the mushrooms for?" Lorelai continues.
"For the midgets dressed like angels to dance under, silly."
Michel laughs. "Oh, geez." Lorelai groans.
"Emily found the best paper-mache mushrooms maker in Paris. He's much better than the guy in Belgium. What a hack."
Lorelai closes the computer. "Sookie, honey, I need you to stop staring at the screen. We need to talk."
"Please. Please don't talk her out of these things." Michel begs. "I do not want to die without seeing midgets dancing with mushrooms."
"Stay out of this."
"You're no fun." Michel pouts and walks out.
"What is it, honey?" Sookie asks.
Lorelai bends down so that she is eye-level with Sookie. "The danger of Emily-world is that you don't always know you're in it when actually you are." She says, very seriously.
Sookie rolls her eyes. "Not the Emily-world stuff again."
"Sookie, have you run the numbers on any of this?" Lorelai asks. "What is this costing you?"
"I don't know the full cost, but your mother is getting me 50% off of everything. She is so connected."
"But 50% off a load of money is still half a load of money. You don't have that to spend."
"Well, if I scrimp, I can afford a quarter load."
"That's still too much."
"Well, your mother said she'd chip in a little."
"That is way inappropriate." Lorelai laughs, lightly.
"I didn't take her up on it, but it was nice."
"Sookie, this isn't you: the midgets, mushrooms, and who knows what else. And it isn't Jackson either."
Sookie frowns. "What do you mean?"
"We talked." Lorelai shrugs.
"You and Jackson talked?"
"I'm sorry, but he came to me all upset. And I love both of you, and it just seemed like it was time for me to meddle." Lorelai explains.
"He was upset?"
"He was pretty upset."
"Why did he just talk to me?"
"Because he's Jackson. He wants you to be happy, and to give you everything you want." Lorelai tells her. "So, what it comes down to it, is this what you want?"
"Well, maybe the midgets are a little over the top and the mushrooms-" Sookie stops when she realizes what she is saying. "Ooh. Oh, no. It's all sounding so silly now."
Lorelai rubs Sookie's arm in reassurance. "You're coming out of it. Keep going."
"No! It's not what I want." Sookie admits. "We're supposed to keep this nice and simple. We had it all worked out."
"So, go back."
"I will go back. That is if Jackson still wants to marry me." Sookie panics.
"Of course he still wants to."
"I'm gonna call him and I'm going to tell him that it's all changing back." Sookie smiles as she grabs the phone.
"Good."
"Oh, I should call and cancel some stuff first. I've got to call Belgium, Oslo, Copenhagen, Bora Bora."
Lorelai's cell phone rings. "What did you order from there?" She asks, as she grabs her phone from her purse.
"I'm gonna shield you from that one."
"Thanks." Lorelai answers her phone. "Luke? Okay. Slow down. I'll be right there."
Lauren climbs the steps of Elizabeth's. She was angry that her supposedly best friend ran away from her like that. So, she bangs on her front door until Elizabeth opens the door.
"Why are you moving?" Lauren asks, immediately.
"Now you're asking?" Elizabeth rolls her eyes.
"Yes, now I'm asking. You haven't been in school. You ran away from me at the diner. Plus, you slam the door in my face after you told me you were moving, not even giving me the chance to ask why. So, why are you moving!?" Lauren yells.
Elizabeth sighs and walks out on to the porch. She sits down on the steps as Lauren does the same. They are quiet for a few minutes until Elizabeth finally decides to speak. "My mom, as you already know, is barely home in the first place." Elizabeth says as she looks at Lauren. "When I came back from where we were supposed to meet, my mom was home early for the first time. I went through the front door and the first thing she did was yell at me. I was grounded and wasn't supposed to go anywhere but school and back."
"So, is that why she is making you move?" Lauren asks, quietly.
Elizabeth shrugs. "Not exactly. I started yelling at her, too. There was a lot of yelling that night, and some where in between all the yelling I told her that I hated her. I told her I didn't want to live with her anymore, and she told me that I didn't have to. So, she called my dad. It didn't hit me until the next day, that I was moving. I really didn't think my mom would let me go, or that my dad would even say yes, but two days later my mom comes home with boxes. So, that's why I haven't been at school. I've been packing, and my mom already took me out of school and shipped some of my things to California. I leave tomorrow night."
"That soon?" Lauren asks, letting a tear slip from her eye.
Elizabeth nods, slowly. "Yeah. I wanted to tell you before, but I just didn't know how."
"You were going to leave without saying goodbye?" Lauren asks in disbelief.
"No. I was going to tell you. I promise. I wasn't expecting you to come to my house, so I was caught a little off guard. I'm sorry, Lauren."
They sit in silence for a few minutes. Elizabeth never wanted things to go this way. She didn't want to leave her best friend, but she had no choice. "I am really going to miss you." Lauren finally says.
"I'm going to miss you, too." Elizabeth chokes back her tears and pulls her best friend into her tight hug. "We will email, write, call, whatever. But we will keep in touch."
Lauren felt this too good to be true, but she wasn't going to argue. "Okay." They pull apart and look at each other. "You realize we've never been that far apart since we were five?"
"I have to come back sometimes." Elizabeth shrugs. "My mom is still here."
"Promise?"
"Promise."
Luke is standing in front of a coffin when Lorelai walks in.
"There you are." She says.
"It won't close." Luke tells her.
"What?"
"The lid." Luke points towards Louie, who is laying inside the coffin surrounded by most of his belongings.
"Oh. Hello, Louie." She says, a little creeped out.
"That's Louie."
"Nice tan." Lorelai says as they walk closer. "So now, you say the lid won't close?"
"Yes."
"Did you buy the right size?"
"Of course."
"It's the model we recommend for those of medium height and weight." The man in the corner says.
"And he's medium height and weight." Luke confirms.
"Why won't it close?" Lorelai asks.
"Because of the stuff. He left a list of stuff he wanted buried with him."
"It's not uncommon." The man says.
"It's a very long list. His fishing reel, bowling trophy, a flask, his antique dueling pistols, his copy of Sherman's memoirs." Luke lists.
Lorelai tries to get a better look to figure out how to close it. "So, is all his stuff in there now?"
"Yes, it is. I shoved it in the best I could, but it won't close which defeats the purpose of having a damn casket in the first place."
"May I?" Lorelai asks.
"Give it a shot."
Lorelai tries to push the lid down and it bounces right back up. "Whoa!"
"The football signed by Johnny Unitas gives it that bounce." Luke tells her.
"What if we move the gas mask and pith helmet down towards the feet?"
"That end already has every baseball card he ever bought, thousands of them."
"Oh! Bungee cord!" Lorelai looks at the salesman who gives her a disapproving shakes of his head. "No. Uh. What if we got some people from the office here to sit on the lid and we could latch it? Do you have anybody you could spring?" The man shakes his head again. "I'm out of ideas." She sighs.
"So, am I." Luke says, getting frustrated. "You know what? To hell with this. I can't deal with this anymore."
"It has to be dealt with."
"No, it doesn't." Luke argues. "It's not as if he deserves my help or my respect."
"The man was your uncle." Lorelai reminds him.
"He was a jerk!"
"Don't say that."
"No, no! No, everyone is right! I was cutting Louie slack out of respect for my dad, but the man was rotten and mean and selfish all his life. He's even selfish in death! Other people would have loved to have those baseball cards. I would have loved to have those cards. He's got Lou Gehrig's rookie card, Joe DiMaggio, Willie Mays, tons of others. But no, my uncle, King Tut, has to take all of them to the afterlife with him." Luke yells. "I'm done! I've had it! From now on, it's just the bare minimum and that's it! Dig a big hole and just dump the casket in unlatched. If stuff falls out, fine! Pile on enough dirt to make sure nothing's showing." Luke walks out leaving Lorelai alone with the man and Uncle Louie.
"I'm assuming that wouldn't be appropriate, either."
"No." The man tells her.
"I didn't think so."
Lorelai and Rory are back at the diner when Luke walks in.
"Luke, there you are. I was so worried." Lorelai says.
"Yeah, thanks for covering again. This'll be the last time, I promise." He tells her as he walks behind the counter.
"It's okay. Where were you?"
"Well first, I walked around a bunch, trying to clear my head. Saw a lot of Hartford. What a cesspool."
"You're not a city man." Lorelai reminds him.
"Then I calmed down and figured dumping Louie's body in an open gran with all his stuff probably would be a little cold."
"Just a tad." Lorelai smiles.
"So, I got the yellow pages and found a big-and-tall casket shop in Hartford."
"You're kidding."
"Nope. I found a casket for for my 160 pound uncle and his 140 pounds for stuff. Got the lid to shut the first time we tried. So, the funeral's on as scheduled." Luke says, proudly.
"Good."
"I still don't know why I'm doing this."
"You're doing this for your dad." Lorelai tells him.
"I guess. Although, he's dead, so he'd never know if I was doing it any different."
"He knows. He has the big Luke picture screen on 24 hours a day. He watches and smiles, and you're doing it cause you're you."
"I'm gonna go change, then you can retire from your diner career forever." Luke goes upstairs just as Emily walks in.
Lorelai groans before Emily approaches. "Hi, Mom."
Emily looks confused. "Since when do you work here?"
"I'm just lending a hand. What's going on?"
"I went by the inn to work with Sookie on her wedding."
"Yeah?"
"And she fired me."
"She didn't fire you."
"She's changed her mind on all the things we planned." Emily tells her.
"Maybe she did."
"No, she didn't. I know what's behind this. That is, who's behind this."
"Mom, it was getting to be too much for her and her fiance." Lorelai explains.
Emily smirks. "I knew it."
"These are not wealthy people. Do you understand that? They're saving for a home and your midgets were dancing between them and their dreams."
"You say midgets like it's so absurd."
"Do you hear yourself?" Lorelai asks.
"I don't see what was so wrong with my helping Sookie plan her wedding."
Lorelai shakes her head, smiling. "Mom, come on."
"What?"
"You weren't planning Sookie's wedding."
"Whose wedding was I planning?"
"Mine." Lorelai says.
Emily tries to hide her smile. "Don't be silly."
"Mom, your version for this wedding and all the over-the-top stuff, like flowers, bunting, champagne fountain, and the haute-couture dress. Who's wearing that wedding dress in your mind's eye, Mom? Sookie, or me?"
"I wasn't planning your wedding, Lorelai."
"Right."
"The wedding I was planning was for Sookie. The mushrooms and colors, they all seemed like fun, a little crazy just like she is. It definitely was not for you." Emily says, defending herself.
"Okay, Mom." Lorelai says, still not believing her.
"I know that you'd never let me plan your wedding. I gave up on that dream a long time ago. Yours was going to be a Russian winter theme, the Romanov's."
"Before the firing squad, I assume?" Lorelai jokes.
"Snow-white roses, trees with white lights and candles. Snow everywhere. You arriving in a silver sleigh with white horses." Emily smiles, thinking about it.
Lorelai smiles. "Wow."
"You hate the idea."
"No, I just-it just doesn't seem like me."
"It would have been beautiful." Emily rolls her eyes.
"I'm sure it would have been."
"But it probably wouldn't appropriate anymore being as I'm probably standing in your reception hall."
"Excuse me?" Lorelai scoffs.
"Burgers and fries for the dinner-" Emily says. "-the bride walks down the aisle with a ketchup dispenser in her hand."
Lorelai gasps. "Please tell me what you're talking about."
"I'm talking about Luke." Emily grins.
Lorelai groans. "Luke? Mom?"
"Well, it's obvious, Lorelai."
"No, it's not, Mom."
"You're with him constantly."
"He feeds me."
"You bring up his name constantly."
"Once again, he feeds me."
"The moment he calls, you run to his side."
"He's my friend. He needed me. I had to be there."
"I know you did." Emily smiles just as Luke comes back down and stands next to Lorelai.
"Hi." Luke says.
"Hello. I have to go." Emily says. "I'll see you for dinner tonight, Lorelai. And Luke, I'm sure I'll see you again soon." Lorelai glares at her mother as Emily walks towards the door before turning back around. "What do you think of the Romanov's?" She asks Luke.
"They probably had it coming." Luke tells her.
Emily rolls her eyes. "A match made in heaven." She says as she walks out.
Lauren walks in minutes later after Emily leaves. "Hey, hon." Lorelai smiles before she notices her daughter's tear stained cheeks. "Wha-"
"Elizabeth is moving." Lauren cries.
"What?" Lorelai asks.
"Elizabeth is moving!" Lauren yells. "Are you happy now?" She cries harder as she runs out of the diner.
Lorelai looks at Luke. "Go. Go. I got this now." He tells her.
Lorelai runs into the house, out of breath, and looks around the empty living room.
"Lauren, where are you!?" Lorelai yells. "Geez, you run fast." She walks around the house looking for her daughter. "I know you are here. I followed you without stopping. Maybe you get that athletic thing from me. Hah. Never mind." She runs upstairs. "Lauren!" She calls out again before heading towards Lauren's bedroom. "Lauren?" Lorelai opens the door to find her distressed daughter pacing her bedroom. She grabs Lauren's shoulders to stop her. "Hey. Talk to me." She says, calmly.
Lauren pushes Lorelai away. "I don't want to talk to you!" She cries. "This is all your fault!"
"Hey. How's it my fault?"
"We couldn't hang out after school! We have never been separated, Mom, ever! And when you went with Grandma to the spa, I tried sneaking out to see her, but Rory caught me."
"Hold on. You sneaked out?" Lorelai asks.
"That doesn't matter anymore!" Lauren yells in frustration.
"Yeah. You're right. I'm sorry." Lorelai sighs.
"She was waiting. We were going to talk about everything that has been happening and we were going to laugh and make of stuff, but when I didn't show up, she went back home. She got into a fight with her mom and now she is moving to California to live with her dad!" Lauren cries harder as she falls onto the floor.
Lorelai sits down in front of Lauren. "Honey, I am so so sorry, baby."
"No, you're not. It's not fair!" Lorelai tries to hold her daughter, but Lauren pushes away. "No!" But Lorelai doesn't give up. She grabs Lauren and holds her close to her chest as her daughter cries. "It's not fair."
"Lauren, I'm am so so sorry." Lorelai whispers, soothingly. "I never wanted Elizabeth to leave, babe. I just wanted you two to have a little time apart."
"We are never going to talk again."
"Yes, you will."
Lauren shakes her head. "No! She is going to make new friends there. I won't be her best friend anymore."
Lorelai closes her eyes, letting her own tears escape for her daughter. She wasn't sure what she could say to help her daughter; perhaps there was nothing. So, she just sat there with Lauren in her arms, letting her cry.
Lorelai and Luke are standing by Louie's casket with the reverend.
"We're here to honor Louie, to pay our respects, and to bid him of sorrowful goodbye." The reverend says.
"You okay?" Lorelai whispers to Luke.
"Yeah. I'm not a big of funerals in general." Luke tells her.
"Nobody is."
"He passed away in his sleep, so the end came peacefully for Louie which I'm sure is a great comfort to all who knew him." The reverend says.
"The passing away part was a great comfort for all who knew him." Luke whispers.
Lorelai nudges him. "I didn't know him." The reverend says.
"Good thing."
"Sh!"
"But I understand he was a fine man, destined to be missed by many." The reverend continues.
"Especially the ones that were suing him." Luke says.
"Stop." Lorelai says, sternly. "Sorry, Father."
"Reverend." He correct her.
"Right."
"Now, let us witness Louie Danes as he is interred and brought to the Lord."
"A man comes over and lowers the casket into the ground. "It was a nice and intimate service." Lorelai says.
"I guess everybody deserves something at the end. Thanks for coming." Luke says, sincerely.
"I wouldn't have missed it."
Luke looks up when he hears drumming come from the background. "What is that?" He and Lorelai looks forward and see Andrew coming up, drumming, in his re-enactment uniform. "Is that Andrew?"
"I believe it is." Lorelai smiles.
The rest of the re-enactors walk up march up behind Andrew. Luke turns to Lorelai. "Thanks." He smiles.
Lorelai wipes a few stray tears. "It's what your dad wanted."
After the ceremony, Luke and Lorelai head back to the diner.
"Do you think he's in heaven?" Lorelai asks.
"I hope so, just so my dad can kick his butt around the place." Luke tells her.
"Can you kick in heaven?"
"It's probably frowned upon."
"Yeah, plus you're all see through and gauzy. Your Dad's foot could go right through him."
"This is a silly conversation." Luke says as they walk into the diner where it looks like the entire town is gathered. "What's all this?"
"I have no idea." Rory walks up to them. "Hi."
"What's going on?" Luke asks.
"It's kind of like a wake for Louie." Rory tells them.
"Really?" Lorelai says looking surprised.
"I thought you set it up."
"I didn't set it up."
"Well, it's going well. People brought a ton of food, if you guys are hungry." Rory says before she walks away.
"Huh."
"This is unexpected." Luke says.
"Very."
"Don't you have wakes for people you like?"
"Think it might be for you." Lorelai tells him.
"Am I dead?"
"Face it. People like you."
"Shut up."
"How can they resist charm like that?" Lorelai smirks.
Lauren is standing on the sidewalk, across from Elizabeth's, watching as Elizabeth and her mom pack up the last of Elizabeth's things before they drive to the airport. Elizabeth looks over, seeing her best friend, and gives her a small wave. Lauren returns it before wiping away a few of her tears. Lauren watches them drive off. She wasn't sure how she was going to get through this life without her best friend, but she knew she had to. Elizabeth will be just fine without her.
Lauren walks into the diner where everyone is gathered around. She walks over to her mom, who wraps her arms around her daughter while they listen to everyone talk about Louie.