Chapter Thirty-Six
"Grab a napkin, Homie. You just got served."
Howard Wolowitz (TBBT Season 1)
"The Big Bran Hypothesis"
"Ready?" Sheldon asked, pulling his suitcase from the trunk of her car. He looked down at his watch. "It's nearly eight. They should all be upstairs as we requested."
"Yes, I'm ready."
That wasn't exactly accurate. Truth be told, she was a bundle of stress and the last thing she was ready to do was go upstairs and face their friends—brilliant plan or not. Yet, as Amy knew there were things in life one could not avoid, she didn't see a point in making her feelings known. She'd survived her thesis dissertation, her initial gynecological exam, and her first sexual encounter with Sheldon and come out of each experience a happier and more educated person. She felt confident this incident would end no differently.
It also didn't hurt that her nerves were tempered with a delightful zing of anticipation. There was something about their friends knowing what they had done that made her feel like she'd finally passed some kind of initiation ritual into a special club. She was in a stable, loving relationship with an exceptional man with whom she enjoyed the most sensual of coital exploits. Amy knew she was fortunate in this, and she wanted to scream the news from the rooftops.
Sheldon shut the trunk and the pair walked to the main door of his building. Once inside, they began the arduous journey of climbing four flights of stairs.
"They're going to try to hug you," Amy reminded him. "It's expected. Your grandmother died. They'll want to offer their condolences and show their support. You have to let them."
He flinched. "Why? Because of their absurd feelings of sympathy I must throw caution and hygiene to the wind? That is quite illogical—not to mention reckless."
"We've been over this. You wouldn't let them come to the funeral. This is what you get."
"It would have been worse to have them all there. Having to deal with them as well as my family?" He paled at the mere thought. "Leonard expressed his understanding when I denied his request." They turned to make it up the last flight when he said, "Upon further reflection, I believe I can avoid the requisite physical affection by—"
She stopped mid-stride. "We agreed, Sheldon."
He sighed. "Fine. I shall bear it as best I can. Nonetheless, I want my objection noted."
"It is." She resumed the climb, hurrying to match his long-legged stride. There were times she prized the tall, lanky frame of her boyfriend, but this wasn't one of them.
"Also, if I get sick, you are obligated to nurse me back to health. This includes delivering soup to my bedside, rubbing my chest with Vaporub, and singing to me." He slowed his stride ever so slightly so she could catch up. "Do you agree to my terms?"
"Yes, although the Boo-Boos and Ouchies clause of the relationship agreement makes my agreement redundant." They made it up the last step. "Don't forget to thank them for the flowers they sent."
Sheldon eyed her. "I emailed everyone from the plane. That will have to suffice."
"Fine."
They paused in front of the door of apartment 4A at 2311 Los Robles. A simple, blue door had never seemed so intimidating before. They each took a deep breath and pressed forward. Sheldon's hand curled around the knob and, before another minute passed, they were standing side-by-side in his living room.
Everything was right where it was expected to be. Leonard was feeding Penny a pepperoni slice as they shared the wide chair at the far end of the couch. Raj was sitting in Leonard's computer chair complaining about having eaten too much to Bernadette and Howard, who were seated on the couch and perched on the end arm respectively. In the center of it all was a glass coffee table holding a large pizza box with Graziano's emblazoned on the side, plates littered with scraps of crust, a few uncapped beers, a stray wine glass, and three half-drank bottles of water.
If one were to freeze that moment in time, it could have been any Thursday of any month during the past two or so years. The only missing elements were her and Sheldon. But their friends obviously hadn't forgotten about them. Like some kind of sacred shrine, Sheldon's spot was empty as was the one beside it.
My spot, Amy thought with a rush of possessiveness that reminded her too much of her stubborn boyfriend. Looks like he's not the only one changing here.
Amy was overwhelmed by what a welcome sight it all was. She hadn't expected to have missed these people so much, but she did. A lot had happened in the last week. It felt like twenty years had passed and, at the same time, like she and Sheldon had never been gone. She could tell by the expression on his face that her boyfriend felt the same way. She could also see that he was intensely happy to finally be home.
The second they were noticed, Bernadette and Penny got to their feet and rushed over.
Bernadette hugged Amy while Penny threw herself at Sheldon. He stood there and endured it with the flexibility of a stone pillar. "I'm sorry about your Meemaw, sweetie," Penny said, dropping a quick peck on his cheek before pressing her face into his green-striped shirt. He flinched under this new torture.
When Penny and Bernadette switched positions, the frown he sent Amy expressed his discomfort and irritation. She wasn't able to offer any consolation. She was not one to especially enjoy hugs either—even though she in no way had Sheldon's aversion to them. However, as she'd never been missed this much before, Amy could do little but wallow in this new, giddy feeling for a while.
They thought the hugs were over with the girls, but Raj had to have his as well. Amy accepted this with a laugh. Sheldon, however, held up a hand when their friend made a beeline for him. "I'll give you a hundred dollars if you won't hug me."
Raj narrowed his eyes. "Give me my Stan Lee-signed Hulk hands back, and you have a deal."
"Yeah, like that's going to happen." Sheldon snorted, pulling Raj into a quick hug. After two slaps on the back, he pushed him away.
"It's so good to see you guys. I didn't think you were ever going to get here. We finally have our Shamy back," Penny sing-songed.
Before Sheldon could launch into one of his tirades against the combining of their names, Leonard interrupted him. "Come sit down, everyone," he called from his chair. "We still have some food if you guys are hungry."
"No thank you. We stopped to eat on the way home," Sheldon replied, taking Amy by the hand and pulling her over to the couch.
They'd taken their appropriate places before they noticed that their friends' eyes were collectively glued to their joined hands, which were now resting on Sheldon's knee.
"What?" he asked.
"You're holding hands." Howard declared.
"Without Amy having to force you," Bernadette added.
"Or being drunk," Penny said.
"Or having to be given forty-eight hours written notice," Leonard said.
"Or being in a movie theater," Raj whispered almost in awe.
Sheldon rolled his eyes. "Grow up, all of you. Amy is my girlfriend. It is socially acceptable for us to hold hands."
A Grinch-like grin spread over Howard's face, leaving Amy uneasy. Remember the plan. He only has a master's degree.
"You know, it's also socially acceptable to have sex with one's girlfriend and, from what I hear, you've been doing that as well." He laughed and crowed, "Shelly finally gave up his v-card! Never thought I'd see the day."
Raj interjected before Sheldon could respond. "That reminds me. Howard, you owe me fifty bucks on that bet we made. I told you Amy would talk him around. True love always wins out in the end."
Bernadette sent her husband a look of pure disgust. "You bet on our friends' sex life?"
He gave a tense laugh and shrugged. "It sounded like a sure thing. This is Sheldon the asexual robot we're talking about."
She glared at him, leaning over so they were face-to-face. "You remember the thing you asked me about trying when we get home? Yeah, well, you can forget about that."
That Grinch grin fell right off his face. Amy tried not to laugh.
"All right. All right," Penny said, having retaken her position next to Leonard. "Enough of all that. Let's get to the good stuff." She turned to stare at the couple. "So, did you two really do what Missy said you did? Has my little Shelly become a man at last?"
"You can't ask Sheldon something like that and—" Leonard began, only to be stopped by a look from Penny. He swiftly turned to Amy and Sheldon and said, "Yeah, what Penny said."
It was Amy's turn to speak. "You are our friends. At a time like this, we understand that there is a natural curiosity you would have about the various aspects of our relationship."
"However," Sheldon continued, "we are also entitled to a degree of privacy when it comes to decisions we make together. We are both over the age of thirty and have known each other for three years. Honestly, it's none of your business what we have or haven't done unless we choose to share it with you. We also refuse to be fodder for your entertainment purposes."
Amy nodded. "Therefore, as a compromise, we have devised a system that will give each of you the most pertinent information that you want while gifting us with the privacy we desire. For tonight only, we will allow each of you to ask one question of us—only one. After tonight, Sheldon and I will refuse to speak about this subject ever again."
"Are you serious?" Penny asked.
"Do you want that to be your question?" Sheldon replied.
She frowned and bit her lip. "No."
"Excellent choice," Sheldon said. "As Amy said, you each have one question. You should be conscientious in wording them wisely. We will not be so forgiving of such a slip up again. Although, if your question is crude or in any way vulgar, we reserve the right to refuse to answer." They looked right at Howard so he would know they were talking about him.
"Do we get to try again if you choose not to answer?" Leonard asked.
Amy shook her head. "That is the tricky part. Make sure that you consider your question carefully before you—"
"Come on," Howard whined. "Just tell us. Yes or no. Did you do the dirty?"
Sheldon arched a defiant eyebrow. "Howard, if you interrupt again, you lose your right to a question. You will also gain a strike. Might I remind you that you already have two strikes? A third would subject you to banishment from the apartment or to retaking the class."
That shut Howard up.
Sheldon continued. "Now, who would like to go first?"
Raj's hand shot in the air as he bounced up and down in his seat. "Oh, me! Pick me! Please pick me."
Amy laughed at his childlike enthusiasm. "OK, Rajesh. Ask your question."
Raj gave a heartfelt sigh. "Was it romantic?"
Sheldon made a loud uhhh sound like a buzzer on a game show. "Your question is too ambiguous, Raj. You have not adequately explained what you mean by 'it'. Therefore, as we cannot understand the question, we cannot deliver an answer. Next!"
Raj deflated like a soap bubble on the end of a cylindrical tube. Howard immediately set out berating his friend. "How could you ask that of all things? Who cares if it was romantic?"
"I do." Raj shrugged. "It's what I most wanted to know."
Bernadette, however, did not let this stop her from demanding to go next. "My turn." She twisted so she was completely facing them. "Did you two have sex?"
"Yes," Sheldon responded matter-of-factly.
Five people issued a collective gasp, which Amy found odd as they obviously knew this already. Still, she supposed having the news confirmed could be a shock.
Like a cocaine-addicted beaver, Bernadette blurted, "What were the circumstances? When? What made you finally—"
Sheldon made the buzzing sound again. "Sorry. Each person is only allowed one question. Next!"
"Do you really think we are just going to blithely go along with agreeing to only one question each?" Howard asked.
Sheldon grinned like a cat who had just trapped a mouse. "Yes, and that was your question, Howard."
The diminutive former-astronaut sputtered with indignation. "That's cheating."
Amy shrugged. "It is not cheating. You were all warned to carefully construct your questions. Perhaps your lack of listening skills is why you do not currently possess a doctorate. You should work on that." She turned away before he could launch into his usual naive justification on how his lack of education wasn't just that … lacking. "Who's next?"
"I am."
This came from Leonard, who was cautiously peering at the two of them behind his black glasses. He settled back in his chair, fiddling with the collar of his grey hoodie. It was evident that he had deduced the deliberate minefield that was this little game. It would not be so easy to trip him up.
It had been Sheldon's assertion from the beginning that maintaining control of this conversation was paramount to getting through it. The one-question-each idea had been hers. Clearly, it was all working. Here they were with three questions down and the only information they had given away was that they had indeed had sex—something everyone knew about anyway. Amy grinned to herself. She and Sheldon together really were an unstoppable force.
Leonard finally asked his question. "Was the coitus a one-time thing or will it become a permanent part of your relationship?"
"It is a permanent element of the relationship Amy and I share," Sheldon answered.
Amy sighed in relief. One more question and they were home free. Then, this last obstacle would be traversed and she could relax for a while. As much as she had missed her friends, she was really looking forward to going back to her little apartment and sleeping in her bed. A pang in her chest protested leaving Sheldon, but she told herself it didn't matter. They would see each other again on Saturday. The sound of a determined female clearing her throat reminded Amy of whom exactly that last obstacle between her and a good night's sleep was.
Penny.
Penny smirked at both of them. This smirk left Amy with a sense of foreboding. Penny evidently wasn't happy about the one-question decision and, thus, wasn't going to make this simple for them.
"There's a lot I'm curious about," she said. "I could ask about your feelings for each other or your plans for marriage or kids or the future."
Amy tensed—not liking where this was going. There was no way she was going to allow them to force Sheldon to talk about those things.
Penny continued, "But, as I hate it when people do that to me, I won't put you on the spot like that. I could also ask how my bestie managed to seduce the immovable Sheldon Cooper." She gave a theatrical pause. "But I'm pretty sure it wasn't a seduction at all. It was most likely a mutual outpouring of affection on both your sides. God knows, after three years, it was about time something was pouring out." She eyed them carefully as if she were watching to see what their expressions would give away.
Sheldon pursed his lips. "I see what you're doing, Penny. You might be more clever than I give you credit for, but you're also trying to cheat. Ask your question or you will forfeit it."
She grinned and sent him a shameless wink as if to say you're not the only one who knows how to play games here, buddy. "Here we go. How," Penny said, carefully negotiating around the yes/no type of question, "has it—having sex—changed your relationship?"
It was a very insightful, complex question. It was also the kind of question only a person like Penny would think to ask. Sometimes, she thought her bestie was far wiser than any of them.
Amy was the first one to speak. "In most ways, it has changed nothing. Sheldon and I cared about each other before we left here. We care about each other now. We still relish spending time together and will continue to do so. Coitus has simply become another activity we enjoy, another way to show how much we care about each other." She turned to look at Sheldon to see if she was giving too much away.
He caught her gaze and looked back, unabashed and penetrating. He added, "In other ways, it has changed everything. Amy has always been the person in my life who is most like me. But now I understand her on a level I never even knew existed. We understand each other on that level."
"Any regrets?" Penny asked.
"No."
This came from Sheldon before Amy could admonish her bestie for trying to sneak in a secondary question. He said it with such firmness and authority that everyone in the room turned to stare at him in fascination—even Amy. Sheldon looked down at her, one eyebrow arching in question. She knew what he was asking.
"Me either," she affirmed, smiling back up at him.
The silence in the room continued for a while, as if allowing everything to soak in. It was finally broken by the sounds of barely muffled sobs coming away from the couch. The entire gang looked over to see Raj furiously wiping away tears with a wad of takeout napkins.
When he realized they were watching him, he hiccupped and said, "What? That was romantic!"