Notes:
Do you remember how I in the beginning of this story wrote that This is going to be a long, slow moving story that will take place over the course of five years, starting in 2012 and ending up in 2017? This is where I will start to move this story five years forward in time. In six chapters, one for each year, you will get small glimpses of what their lives are like apart. How they deal with the break up and move forward (?). Four of the chapters will be from Kurt's POV and two from Blaine's. The first three will be Kurt's. For obvious reasons the chapters will have a slightly different feel to them than what you are used to (maybe not this first one), but I hope that you'll still enjoy them.
This story will be 55 chapters long, so even after these six there is still a lot to come. This first one is short, but the others will be longer (but not my usual 12k ;) , although there will be more 12k chapters later on).
Kurt, Saturday November 19th 2012, 7.04 pm
Tears are slowly running down my cheeks. I've been crying for hours, and I can't stop. I've been lying here all day, and I can't make myself get out of bed. Today has been a particularly bad day, but I don't know what brought it on. Sometimes it all just washes over me, and I can't stop crying.
Actually, I've been crying for months. I've been crying since I woke up in an empty bed after a night that left me feeling complete and broken at the same time. I'm living with a constant ache in my chest. There's a hole in my heart. A hole with the shape of Blaine.
I can't take it anymore. I don't know what to do. I miss him so much, and I can't stop thinking about him. I hate New York. I hate it here. I'm lost and lonely, and I don't know what I'm doing. How can I live my life when the biggest part of me is missing, when he's somewhere else and refuses to talk to me? I don't know what he is doing, how he's doing, where he is…
I miss him so much it hurts. We used to share everything, and now there's nothing. How am I supposed to move on from everything to nothing? How am I supposed to get through my days without knowing if he's okay or not? How am I supposed to move on when I still love him?
I didn't expect him to still be there when I woke up that morning after he came to me. Not really. Not when he'd been avoiding me for two weeks and clearly had no intention to change his mind. Not when he didn't want to talk about us or what was happening in his life. But I thought that with time, we'd be okay because that night made me realize that maybe we weren't completely damaged. Maybe we could still fix things between us.
After all, he came to me, and I thought that must have meant something. I refused to believe it was just about sex. It couldn't have been, that's not who my Blaine is. I hoped he just needed some more time, maybe not days but surely not more than a few weeks, or a month, to gather his thoughts, and then he would come to me. He would realize that he couldn't continue with some sort of contact either. I was wrong. It's been over three months, and he's as absent now as he was then.
Did I make the wrong decision? Would it have been better to stay together even though we could only see each other every other month? I know I would have been miserable if we did, but I'm miserable now, too. So what's the difference? At least we would still be talking. Now there's just nothing, and I don't know how to deal with that.
I just want to hold him. I wish I could hold him one more time and tell him that I love him. Tell him that no matter what, I will always love him. But he won't talk to me. How am I supposed to let him know that I love him, that I still love him, if he won't talk to me? How am I supposed to get through life without him?
I often think back at that night. How everything was perfect for a few moments before it all crashed again. I remember every detail, every kiss, every touch, every sensation. I can still see him lying naked on my bed, can still picture every detail of his body. My sketchpad is filled with those images.
I don't know why I'm torturing myself with these memories, but I can't stop thinking about him. I'm staring up at the ceiling, with tears flowing out of me in a never-ending stream. I have tried to move on - God knows I've tried. I've tried to make new friends. I have tried to enjoy everything that New York has to offer. But I hate everything about this place. I hate my dorm room. It's small and crowded, and there's not enough space to put all of my things. I hate my roommate. He's loud and has loud friends that are constantly here. I'm rarely here. I spend most of my time at school, staying late doing homework or working on some design idea. Or I just go to some random coffee shop.
But I'm not enjoying any of it. It's not what I expected it to be. Nothing is the way I thought it would be… I had so many plans. Plans of what Blaine and I would do once we got to New York. Places to visit, sights to see. Central Park, the Empire State Building, the Brooklyn Bridge… All the touristy things. I've been to all these places, but I haven't enjoyed any of them. It's not the same. Not without him.
In all this, not only did I lose the only person I've ever loved, but I lost my best friend, too. That's my biggest regret - that we couldn't stay friends. That hurts more than anything. Even before we became boyfriends, we had plans to do this together - move here, discover ourselves here and become adults here. Doing it by myself is not even half as exciting. It sucks.
It sucks because I'm always alone. When I discover something new in this city, I want to turn to my side and share it with Blaine, but he's not there. I want to call him and tell him things I know he would be excited about, but there's nothing but silence. I'm trying so hard to be okay with it and not cry. Some of the times I manage, but most of the time I fail and I just want someone to hold me while I cry. Not someone. Only him. I would give anything to feel his arms around me again.
I know I should try harder to make new friends, but I can't find it in me to make the effort. What's the point really? Why do you need friends when all they end up doing is breaking your heart? Besides who would want to be friends with someone who only wants to curl up in his bed and cry? Who only wishes that the world would leave him alone so that he can cry and be miserable on his own? Someone who can't see how it's possible to smile in a world where nothing seems worth living for.
I keep staring up at the ceiling, my vision becoming blurry from all the tears. I've stopped wiping them away, there's no point anymore since I don't know how to stop them from coming. I hear voices in the hallway outside my room. They're coming closer. I hear at least three people laughing. I hope they will continue past my door. I hope it's someone else. I hear them stop and open the door to my room. Great, my roommate and his friends are back…
I turn to face the wall, pretending to be asleep. It's 7 pm on a Saturday, but I don't care what they think about me. Maybe if they think I am sleeping, they will leave again.
Notes:
And now I'll go back to updating twice/week. Hope to see you on Sunday :)