Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight :)
We can never go home
We no longer have one
I'll help you carry the load
I'll carry you in my arms
The kiss of the snow
The crescent moon above us
Our blood is cold
And we're alone
But I'm alone with you
- Editors, No sound but the wind -
Bliss
CPOV
What did I do to to earn this bliss?
This was the question I had been asking from myself for the past hours. And no matter how long I pondered and mulled over it, I simply couldn't find an answer that would satisfy me enough.
My past hours had been spent in the haze of memories. My mind conjured up images of the previous evening incessantly, and I made no attempt to stop those images. They were simply too wonderful.
What had possessed me during those moments in the woods last night? What had made me take that daring risk to pull Bella closer, to brush my lips against hers? It had been audacious, hazardous and ten kinds of ways foolish - I had risked everything I had with her, I had risked our friendship and her trust in me that already rested on a shaky ground. I could have easily scared her away, tainting and ruining everything between us.
At first I had been certain that the kiss had been a mistake. I still recalled the angry flare in Bella's dark eyes when she had pulled away, demanding a reason for my actions. I remembered the regret in my heart, the bitter feeling of losing. The feeling that I was about to give something up. That I was forced to give her up. Because she didn't feel the same.
My shock and surprise had been tangible when she had done something to make the solid ground beneath my feet shudder. Her urgent lips on mine, her small hand wrapping around my tie, her fingers fisting around the fabric of my shirt... Those were the things I would never forget, and I was glad to carry them with me for the rest of my existence. My heart had been singing with joy and delight, and I still recalled the breathtaking sensation of hope - that maybe, somehow, she felt something too. That maybe, by some quirk of fate, she could care about me the same way as I cared about her.
How could it be that I got to be this lucky?
"Are you still here?"
The sudden voice somehow managed to startle me. I pulled away from my thoughts rather reluctantly, turning my gaze towards Dr. Wiley.
Her shoes clapped against the wet concrete as she made her way to the hospital parking lot, her gray-blue eyes curious as she regarded me with her gaze. She stopped a few yards away from me, shifting a stack of papers on her arms.
"Car trouble?" she asked with a friendly tone. I understood her puzzlement; I was still here, outside in the hospital parking lot, standing and staring at the grey sky even though my shift had ended a half an hour ago. I knew I should have headed home by now. But my stream of thoughts had captured me and I had lost the track of time.
"No. Thank you for asking," I answered politely as I shook my head. "I was just about to head home." I took once last glance at the sky, happiness filling me when I realised that Bella would be awaiting for my return. Of course she always waited me at home, but this time it felt somehow different.
Dr. Wiley laughed quietly, shaking her head as she walked over to her own car, throwing the papers on the front seat. Her amusement puzzled me, and I raised a brow at her reaction.
"I know that look," she explained with a smirk. Her red curls bounced as she shook her head again.
"Pardon me?" I asked, frowning confusedly.
She gave a soft laugh again, her smile almost teasing now, although I could see that she was trying hard to stay more serious. "I'm sure she's a lovely girl," she stated before getting in the car and driving away, leaving me stunned.
Women and their instincts.
I had never thought of myself as a transparent person. But I guess it was yet another thing that Bella had changed in me. Or maybe I was simply radiating happiness around me today.
I got into my car and drove away, leaving the hospital and the grey sky behind me. But the one thing I didn't leave behind, was my smile.
The journey home seemed longer than usual, and for the first time in a long while I found myself impatient. And when I arrived, the sight awaiting me in the garage was perplexing.
Curiously enough, Bella was sitting next to Emmett's jeep and handing over tools to Rosalie who was lying on her back under the vehicle. I was happy that they were starting to get along, though I knew it was bound to be difficult at first. Bella greeted me with a shy smile as I got out of the car, and I had a feeling that if she were a human she might have been blushing right now. She passed another tool to Rosalie, the latter thanking her quietly from under the car.
"No problem," Bella said. Their word exchange was a bit stiff, and I wondered if it was because they were still rather uncomfortable in each other's presence, or had they had a difficult conversation before my arrival. I waved my hand at Bella, deciding that it was best if I just left the two of them alone for a while - I didn't wish to interrupt anything. I was only glad that they were able to get along.
I made my way into the house, reminding myself that I had the entire evening and night to spend with Bella. We were still getting used to the situation between us, and I was enjoying every moment immensely. I felt as though I had the permission to touch her more freely and show her affection now that the matters were more out in the open. At least that was the case between us; we still hadn't shared anything with the other members of the family. Alice and Jasper knew, of course. It was both a relief and nuicance to live with a couple like them. When the other was a psychic and the other was able to sense emotions, it was hard to keep secrets.
I thought back at the night weeks ago when I had been hunting with Jasper, contemplating his suspicions about the mating bond. It was yet another matter I should discuss with Bella, and a part of me worried about her possible reaction. There were a lot of things we should discuss, but I had no wish to put her under too much pressure. A part of me still expected for her to run away.
On my way to the staircase, I stopped by at the living room, greeting Jasper and Emmett. Both of them had immersed themselves in a card game, and I noted that they were both smiling at me in a manner that was rather disturbing. It made me wonder that when we decided to share our news with Bella, would they be any news at all. There truly were no secrets in this house.
I made the rest of the way into my study and started on the paperwork, working in a slow human pace. It always managed to quiet my rushing thoughts and ease my mind.
Bella's quiet steps coming upstairs reached my ears before long, and I strode to the door before she had the chance to knock. I allowed myself three whole seconds to study her form before ushering her in.
"How was your day?" she asked when I pulled her to sit beside me on the leather couch under the window.
Wonderful, because you were in my thoughts. "Busy," I answered aloud, draping my arm over her shoulder. "How was yours?"
She melted under my touch, hesitating before settling against my side. Her head fell against my chest, and I heard her take a careful breath against my shirt. And then I realised I was still wearing the clothes I had worn at the hospital.
"Oh Bella, I'm so sorry," I apologized, drawing my arm away, knowing that the smell of humans was probably still rather strong in my clothes. I shifted away from her, not wanting to make her uncomfortable.
"No, it's okay," she said, but didn't resist as I pulled away. She took another cautious breath. "I'm getting used to it," she murmured, her eyes closing. But I could see that she was battling with the urge to hold her breath. "Or then I'm just really good at lying to myself," she chuckled joylessly. I had the feeling that there was more to her words.
"You should go a little easier on yourself," I said softly.
She shook her head. "I should do the exact opposite," she disagreed. "Considering what happened yesterday with that human."
I should have known she was still mulling over yesterday, that she was still worrying about the fact that their hunting trip could have ended badly. And I realised that I was the one to blame for the incident; hadn't I made a promise to Bella, a promise to shield her from that situation again? Had I not vowed to make sure that she wouldn't have to go through that battle ever again? I had failed her by breaking my promise. Or maybe the promise had been an empty one as I had made it, just like she had expected.
"Don't make promises you can't keep," she had said to me weeks ago. Now I understood the anger her tone had been bearing. "I've had enough empty promises for one lifetime."
My study was filled with silence during my reminicence, and as I turned to Bella to apologize, I found her staring at me with wide eyes.
"Are you angry with me?" she whispered.
I let out a confused breath, wondering what made her think of such a thing. Then I played back our conversation, realising that she must have misinterpreted the silence followed by her words.
"Of course I'm not," I said quietly, grasping her hand in mine. "Bella, you have to start believing that imperfection isn't something a person can be judged about."
My words made her frown, but she didn't pull away from my touch. "No one is expecting you to be flawless and perfect," I continued. "You're allowed to take missteps, and I know that it's sometimes difficult."
She lowered her dark orange eyes to the floor, but I didn't let her avoid my gaze for long. I tilted her chin lightly with my finger, forcing her to look at me. "And I need to apologize; I know that I failed you in many ways yesterday. Weeks ago, I made a promise to prevent that situation from happening again, and I was incapable of keeping that promise," I whispered.
"Please don't," she said, her eyes pleading. "Don't take the blame. You can't keep an eye on me around the clock, and I don't expect you to." She started to play with the wrist cuff of my shirt, unbuttoning and buttoning it pensively. "It's... this is just difficult to accept," she said, still not meeting my gaze.
I waited silently, letting her speak. She was rarely open about the matters that burdened her mind, and I was relieved to hear her talk.
"I don't know how you guys do it," she murmured. "I keep remembering those moments when I chased that scent in the forest, and..." She shook her head, grimacing. "Maybe it's so difficult for me to understand because I'm still a newborn. Maybe it will get easier someday. But I still can't comprehend how I will ever be able to be near humans. And the thought of slipping, the though of killing someone..." She shook her head again. "It's unbearable."
I gave her hand a gentle squeeze, enjoying the way her warm fingers tickled against my wrist as she fiddled with the cuff.
"It just makes you who you are," I reminded. I hoped that this approach would make her feel better, to help her undertand the struggles we had all gone through. "It makes you one of us."
My words were true and honest, sincere, as was the silent emotion in Bella's eyes as she leaned against my chest, hiding her face from me. "Thank you," she whispered, her voice catching.
Maybe my words had meant more to her than I had even known. Maybe she had needed to hear those words in order to convince herself that even if she took missteps, she would still be one of us. That she wouldn't be counted as a failure.
"What are you doing?"
My quiet whisper caused a small smile rise to Bella's lips, and it was easy to imagine the laughter in those eyes she had hidden behind her eyelids.
"I'm sleeping," she claimed, curling up better on the living room couch.
I chuckled as I sat down on the edge. "Didn't anyone tell you that you won't be able to sleep anymore?" I teased.
She huffed quietly, curling her arm beneath her cheek. "Maybe you guys just haven't tried hard enough."
Her comment made me chuckle again. The house was more quiet than usually because Bella and I were the only ones in it. Alice had wandered off with Jasper into the forest to have their own private time, and Rosalie had persuaded Emmett to go to the city with her.
I decided to enjoy every moment of privacy I had with Bella, not knowing when would be the next time we could be alone in the house. I took a moment to observe her features, admiring the way her dark brown hair was splayed on her shoulders, how her eyelashes created shadows on her pale skin, how the curve of her lip almost begged for a kiss...
It was challenging to get used to this new situation between us. I still couldn't bring myself to believe that I could touch her now; I had denied myself showing affection to her for so long, affection that was considered beyond friendly. But now, I felt that I had the permission to do so, to show tenderness and affection that I couldn't before.
It was easy to tell she wasn't used to that. There was always hesitation in her eyes when I reached out to kiss her cheek or brush a tress of dark hair behind her ear. As if she waited for me to disappear into the thin air, or do something that would upset her.
I wanted her to get used to those touches, those gestures of love and care; I wanted her to enjoy receiving that affection, just as much as I enjoyed giving it to her. I wanted to keep teaching her those things, until she would take my touches and endearments for granted. And she should take them for granted, because I would never stop showing affection to her.
Once again, I found myself reflecting those few moments of freedom in the forest last night. I was certain that I would return to those memories millions of times, and yet find myself eager to do it again and again. Because during those moments I had caught a glimpse of Bella's boisterous nature that she so often kept hidden. I remembered the passion in her touch, the way her urgent lips had demanded my attention. And how willing I had been to give it; anything she asked from me, and I would grant it to her, and I would do so with joy and delight. The skies could have opened with thunder during our embrace, and I believe that I wouldn't have even noticed. We could have stood there even if the heavens had spilled lava and fire upon us, and it would have been irrelevant to me.
Bella sighed quietly beside me, drawing me back to the present.
"How are your attempts to sleep proceeding?" I queried with a smile.
"They would proceed a lot better if you weren't talking all the time, and I wouldn't have to answer. It makes this much more difficult," she remarked, pretending to be huffy.
"You're absolutely right," I consented as I leaned over her. "Speaking is way too overvalued." I pressed a dozen fluttering kisses on her cheek and near her ear, continuing my trail towards her neck.
She was ticklish, and started to squirm under my touch. I couldn't resist pinning her down gently so I could continue with my ministrations. Soon a quiet giggle broke through, followed by louder laughter as I tickled her sensitive skin with my lips.
How I wished that I could hear that sound more often. I knew I would gladly make a constant effort to elicit those sounds of happiness from her. But my Bella was sad; she carried that sadness with her almost constantly. There was an aura of melancholy around her, and it seemed to follow her wherever she went.
I pulled back from her, letting my teasing kisses cease.
Bella regarded me carefully with her eyes of dark tangerine. "Why do you look so serious?" she asked, a small frown appearing on her face.
"I was only thinking," I answered. Bella pushed herself up on the couch, shifting and sitting closer to me.
"About what?" she asked.
I gave her a small smile. "You're not playing fair," I chuckled, draping my arm over her shoulders and pulling her closer against my side. "You never tell me what's in your mind. So why should I?" I asked teasingly, only half-serious.
"Because your thoughts are a lot more interesting than mine," she remarked, causing me to shake my head.
"That is not true," I disagreed quietly. I would do anything to get a glimpse of her mind, to understand her better. "How about if we make an agreement," I suggested. "You share one of your recent thoughts with me, and I will reciprocate."
Bella gave me a slight nudge on the ribs. "Bartering, are we? You're a difficult man to please," she chuckled, leaning her head against my chest. "I was thinking about the others, actually," she said quietly after a moment.
"Oh?"
The weight disappeared from my chest as she lifted her head to look at me. "What should we tell them about you and me? If there's anything new to tell, anyway. They have been giving me these strange looks all day," she murmured, puckering up her lip.
I gave a laugh. "It's safe to say that Alice knows very accurately what has happened, and Jasper too. But I honestly have no idea what they have chosen to share with Emmett and Rosalie."
"Hmmh." Bella leaned her head against the back of the couch, her expression ruminative. "I wonder if they'll freak out," she wondered, closing her eyes. "Hey, it's your turn to tell me what you were thinking. Don't think I have forgotten our deal," she remarked, opening her eyes again and giving me a look that was probably supposed to be stern. I chuckled quietly again and smiled. Smiling was something I had done a lot during these last hours.
"I was thinking about you, of course," I answered, causing Bella to raise her brow. "And the way you carry sadness with you," I proceeded carefully, studying her expression.
Her eyes were guarded, but she didn't avoid my gaze. The playfulness I had seen in her for the past few minutes disappeared, almost making me regret my words. After a moment of silence she shrugged, suddenly looking very lost. "I guess that's the way I am," she said quietly.
"Are you sad about something now?" I asked, trying to interpret her tone.
"Not really," she whispered, leaning her face against my chest again so I couldn't see her eyes.
"Can you tell me about the things that make you sad?" I asked gently, leaning my chin lightly against the top of her head.
Bella was quiet for a very long time, and I could feel her slow breaths through the fabric of my sweater. But when she finally spoke, her tone was cautious, the words barely audible to me.
"It makes me sad to think... that I wouldn't get to be with you," she breathed.
Her words were bittersweet to me - it delighted me to know that she wanted to be with me. But why would she think that there was a chance that we couldn't be together? I shifted so I could see her eyes - in them I had always been able to see the emotions she so hard tried to hide.
"What makes you think that you couldn't be with me?" I asked, brushing her cheek gently with my thumb.
"I don't know," she whispered. "People leave and disappear. That's what they do."
"Perhaps I am not like most people," I said, attempting to keep my tone light and teasing, but failing miserably.
"But... I'm not normal," Bella continued, her eyes sad. "I'm not a whole person like you are. I'm not... stable." She lowered her gaze, her tangerine eyes regretful. The familiar guarded look came over her face. "I don't understand what you possibly see in me."
I resented that mask she had on - it managed to hide her from me. I didn't want that. I turned on the couch until I was facing her, taking her face between my palms and waiting patiently until she turned her gaze to my eyes. "I see a girl ," I began, "who has been broken too many times." A small frown appeared between her eyebrows, her breathing ceasing. "I see a person who possesses an inner strength I can only admire and be proud of," I continued, my other hand leaving her face to tuck a lock of dark hair behind her ear. "I see eyes," I whispered, holding her gaze intently, "that were once the most warm shade of brown I have ever seen. And now they remind me of the color of the horizon just a moment before the sundown. And one day, they will rival with the glow of the sun."
The veil was slowly disappering from her face, the look in her eyes softer now. It encouraged me to continue - she needed to hear what I had to say.
"I see lips," I whispered, taking a quick glance at them before catching Bella's gaze again, "that remind of the roses that grew outside of my birthplace. And those lips are just begging to be kissed." With my words, I leaned closer to brush her mouth with my own. The kiss was quick, the time I spent exploring her lips not nearly long enough - nothing was long enough with her. But I had to break away, knowing that I had a lot more to say. "I see a heart," I let my other hand fall from her face, letting it travel downwards until resting on her chest. Under my touch the heart was still and silent, but it was irrelevant to me, "that is good, and pure, and selfless, and caring - and millions of other wonderful things."
Bella's hand rose to cover my own.
"I see a woman," I stated finally, "who is my friend. And who can be so much more, if she wants to. If she's willing to have me."
Bella breathed out quietly, her fingers now curling around my wrists. She closed her eyes tightly, as if to collect herself. A quiet chuckle escaping her mouth surprised me. She opened her eyes to meet my gaze, a silent smile making her lips quirk.
"Only you could turn a bunch of simple sentences into poetry," she whispered, her voice a little unstable.
Had my words touched her so deeply? Was it me who had managed to create that swirl of emotions in her eyes? That tremor in her voice?
Bella took a deep, trembling breath. "No one has ever said anything so beautiful to me," she confessed quietly.
"I meant every word," I whispered, leaning my forehead against hers. "Every single one."
Her breath was warm and sweet against my face. Her hands gripped my wrists almost painfully, but then she released her grip, sliding her touch to rest on my forearms.
"I don't know what to say," she confessed quietly.
"Don't say anything," I answered. "You don't have to," I reassured, knowing how difficult voicing out her thoughts was to her.
"It's not that I don't want to," she said hurriedly. "Because I do want to. There are so many things I want you to know..." Her voice broke at the last word.
"Shh." I gave a tender kiss on her cheek, rubbing her back soothingly. "You don't have to explain," I whispered. "Someday you will tell me all those things. Once you are ready to do so."
She exhaled, her breath trembling. "What have I done to earn your patience," she said, almost to herself. "I don't deserve you."
"You deserve better," I declared, speaking the utter truth.
She stayed silent, and I didn't know if she believed me. I certainly vowed that someday I would make her believe. If it took a thousand years, I would somehow convince her that nothing was too good for her.
"No, goddammit! Boo!" Emmett howled at the television the next afternoon, apparently finding the football team's success displeasing. I had just gotten home from the hospital, and the day had been even longer than yesterday. The separation from Bella was almost painful.
She glanced up from her book with a smile as I peeked into the living room and lowered my briefcase on the floor. The urge to rush across the room and sweep her into my arms was almost overpowering, and it made me wonder where my control and restraint disappeared when it came to her. But instead of giving her the heated embrace I so craved, I only settled for smiling at her in a manner that I only hoped to be restrained and friendly. I was very aware of the fact that Emmett was in the room, and the others were somewhere near as well.
We still hadn't shared with the rest of the family what was happening between us, but it was only a matter of time before we did. Hiding from the others and refraining from showing affection had been surprisingly challenging during these past two days.
I suddenly realised that I wanted the whole world to know.
I made my way across the room, taking a seat on the couch opposite of Bella. She cleared her throat quietly as if to regain her focus, turning the page of the heavy volume that rested in her lap.
"How was your day?" she asked like she did everyday, her eyes gliding on the page as she read.
"It was alright," I responded. "Long," I decided to add, earning a curious glance from her.
There was a slight glimmer in her eyes as she glanced at me. "Mine, too," she muttered quietly, holding me a prisoner with her gaze. Her eyes always managed to do that - I had noticed it before, even when she had still been a human. It didn't matter to me that her eyes didn't hold that chocolate brown warmth any longer. They were still the same eyes, only now with the luster of dark coral, and they still had the same effect on me.
The brown warmth of her eyes might be gone, but it was transformed into something else; her eyes burned brighter than the sun. The gaze bore more than warmth now. There was heated intensity in her eyes as she watched me.
Emmett booed loudly again, causing me to start slightly.
The corners of Bella's lips quirked and she lowered her gaze back to the book. I could easily imagine the blush that would adorn her cheeks if there had been human blood still rushing through her veins.
The rest of the afternoon passed comfortably. I left the living room for an hour to change and finish my paperwork while listening to the quiet chatter that was carried into my ears from downstairs. Emmett was eager to interview Bella again, and most of their quiet conversation concluded the comparison of tastes between cougars and deer. After that topic had been laid to rest, Emmett began to pebble Bella with random questions like on so many evenings before.
I was making my way back downstairs as his teasing voice wafted from the living room. "Ever been drunk, Bella?" he asked teasingly, causing me to shake my head. Bella snorted softly at his question, not answering as I took my seat across from her, her eyes still devouring the text in front of her.
Emmett didn't let her lack of answer bother him, only smirking widely as he continued his teasing. "Not even as a teenager?" he asked. "Come on. You've must have been quite wild during your teen years," he prodded.
Bella turned the page, her focus almost completely on the book. "I don't know," she pondered, sounding distracted. "I guess I missed that phase most kids go through where you steal your mom's cigarattes and climb to the roof with a bottle of wine," she mused. "What can I say, I'm boring."
Emmett gave a barking laugh, and I wanted to disagree; the creature before me was far from boring.
"What about you?" she asked, raising her gaze from the book, her eyes sweeping quickly mine before settling on Emmett. "You must have been a handful as a kid," she stated with amusement.
"Nah, I wasn't that bad," Emmett smirked widely. "I guess it depends on who you ask," he grinned, and after a moment of silence he continued, the everlasting mischief never leaving his voice but his golden eyes suddenly took a sadder hue. "My mother would probably agree with you," he admitted.
I noticed that Bella stiffened, possibly fearing that she had brought up a tender topic. She didn't know a lot about Emmett's past, but I knew she was curious to learn more of her family members. She was just too polite to ask.
"Emmett was born in Tennessee," I decided to step in, giving a pointed look to him. I knew it didn't bother him to talk about his human life - rare things in this world made Emmett uncomfortable.
"Yeah, in Gatlinburg," Emmett added. "You ever been there?" he asked from Bella.
She frowned a bit. "Not in Gatlinburg, no," she answered, her tone evasive. "I was in Asheville once," she shrugged, causing me to wonder again how many places she had lived in before coming to Vancouver. How many times had she gotten on a bus or a train to ease her restless mind? To escape everything that had been before?
"Asheville," Emmett repeated. "It's not that far from Gatlinburg. What did you do in there?" he queried.
Bella chuckled humorlessly, shaking her head. "Nice try, Emmett. But now we are talking about you," she reminded, and I could see that she was eager to get the attention off herself. "What kind of a family you had?"
Emmett leaned against the couch, throwing his other huge arm on the back of the furniture. "A big one," he answered. "Many older brothers, a younger sister," he listed. "I used to work on the railroad when I wasn't gambling and causing trouble. In other words," he laughed, "having fun."
Bella snorted quietly at his words. "Did you ever see them again?" she asked, her tone apologetic and her eyes sad. "After you were changed?"
Emmett shook his head. "Nope. But Edward helped me out, arranging that they wouldn't have at least any money problems after I wasn't there to contribute my labor input." He tensed his biceps exuberantly, always managing to find humor even while telling such a sad story.
Bella chuckled at Emmett's gesture. "Yeah," she muttered under her breath. "Who knew that those muscles could be useful in other things than just breaking stuff," she remarked, causing Emmett to huff.
I enjoyed their easy banter immensely, exchanging a pleased look with Jasper as he entered the room and sat down beside Emmett. I reached out for the newspaper and browsed through it, my reading interrupted as Emmett addressed me after a moment.
"Hey Carlisle, did Bella tell you that she snared her first cougar two days ago?"
I lifted my gaze from the newspaper, smiling shortly at Bella. "She did not, but I reckoned as much from your earlier conversation."
"Yeah," Emmett hollered. "You should have seen her. I never thought she could be so scary," he remarked, his tone something between admiration and teasing. Jasper chuckled.
Bella rolled her eyes. "Yeah, wasn't it just after I gave you a roll in the mud?" she asked, her tone mocking.
"Hey, you didn't play fair!" Emmett exclaimed. "You should have given me a warning."
Bella laughed quietly.
"I did pay you back, though, when you went after that human," Emmett remarked. "But damn, it was difficult to catch you."
Bella sobered immediately, lowering her gaze. "Sorry," she muttered under her breath.
I had to admit that Emmett had been a little insensitive when he had brought up the subject that way, or then he just didn't know how much the incident truly bothered Bella. But maybe it was good for her to see how openly he related to the matter. Maybe it would help her realise that no one demanded the impossible from her.
Jasper cleared his throat, throwing a glance at Bella. "You did manage to control yourself again," he stated, attempting to lift her spirits. "I could feel the change of your intentions in your emotions."
Bella shrugged. "But I didn't do it soon enough," she said quietly. "If you hadn't been there, talking me out of it..." She let her words die away, shrugging again.
"That's my point," Jasper remarked. "You're not supposed to be talked out of it."
Bella frowned at him, looking confused.
"Your instincts should overpower you completely at this point; you're still so young," Jasper continued. "Rational behaviour and thoughts can't be expected from a newborn, especially in the middle of a hunt. But as soon as I started talking to you, and as soon as you started to listen, I could feel the change in you. That's why we were able to whisk you away so quickly."
Bella frowned again, glancing quickly at me. "And I'm not supposed to act that way?" she asked hesitantly. "Is it... wrong somehow?"
"Not wrong," Jasper admitted, pondering. "It's only curious. And it certainly made things easier to handle."
Bella's expression was ruminative as she regarded the floor with her gaze. She seemed a little more approving towards herself than earlier, and I found myself grateful that Jasper had made her feel more at ease.
As the night fell, I took her into the forest for a long walk. The others scattered on their own ways, Alice and Jasper going hunting while Rosalie and Emmett staying at the house. It felt good to walk beside her deeper into the woods, knowing that we wouldn't have to hide anymore. Privacy with Bella was something I craved almost blindly. I didn't intend to hide our situation for long from the others, and I knew that Bella didn't want to do that, either.
Her nimble fingers pried a piece of bark from a tree, and I watched her as she sniffed it; the woody and resinous scent must have smelled pleasant.
"What are you smiling at?" she asked, lowering her gaze sheepishly when she realised that I was watching her.
"You," I answered honestly. "Why shouldn't I smile at the sight that is so beautiful?"
"Your eyes are failing you," she chuckled, giving my hand a slight nudge.
"Are you insinuating that I'm old?" I asked, pretending to be offended.
Bella bit her lip. "Well... you're not that old," she teased. "You're a little younger than some churches," she granted and chuckled.
I gaped at her, huffing. "You're a mean woman."
Her laughter could have lighted up the darkness, so bright it was as it rang through the woods.
"I'm sorry," she said after a moment, clinging to my arm and leaning her head against my shoulder, seeking proximity so easily that it surprised me. "I wasn't serious."
I turned to her, and she rose up on her toes to give a small peck on my cheek.
"You're forgiven," I said and smiled.
She hummed quietly, and I pulled her closer to my side.
I simply couldn't stop touching her. It was incredible how quickly I had become accustomed to touching and showing affection to Bella since our shared kiss two days ago. And I had a feeling that she was getting used to my affection. There was less hesitation in her eyes everytime I was near her.
She sighed quietly, playing idly with the beltloop of my slacks as we walked leisurely on the path leading deeper into the woods. "I wonder how long Alice has known," she muttered quietly.
"Known what?" I queried, looking at her.
"That we end up being... whatever it is that we are now." She stopped and looked at me, a thousand questions in her eyes.
I knew that I should let her know about Jasper's suspicions about the mating bond - I didn't know why I hadn't told her that yet. I guess I worried about her reaction, and I had no wish put her under pressure.
But she had the right to know.
"What do you think that we are?" I asked quietly, kneading her shoulders gently.
There it was again in her eyes; doubt and uncertainty.
"I don't know," she answered quietly. "I only know that... I haven't felt like this ever before. It's like..." she shook her head, licking her lips quickly. "It's almost like I've known something for a very long time, and it's only now when I've been able to grasp it."
Her words could have been my own, and I realised that it only confirmed Jasper's theory. Except I knew it wasn't just a theory. It was a fact, an awareness - unchangable, everlasting, constant... There weren't enough words to describe it, because emotions couldn't be described with words. There was no way to describe it in a way that was satisfactory enough, because the depiction would always be left short. But we both knew, and we had no need to describe it to each other.
"What?" Bella asked, my silence apparently starting to bother her.
I took a deep breath, beginning to walk slowly again. Bella followed me after a moment. "Jasper confronted me about this once," I said quietly.
"Confronted?" Bella asked. "Do you mean that he was upset?"
"No," I shook my head, wrapping my arm around her shoulder in a soothing manner. "That's not what I meant, exactly." A chuckle escaped my mouth, and Bella gave me a confused glance.
"He was the opposite of being upset," I explained. "One time we were out hunting, and he starts asking me - with a very amused grin, if I might add - that when am I going to realise what is happening between you and I." I chuckled again, and suddenly I was very grateful for his words on that night. If he hadn't told me those things, things that should have been obvious to me, I still might not have taken the risk with Bella.
A small smile played on her lips, and it encouraged me to continue. "He brought up the possibility that my feelings for you might be something that I hadn't even thought of."
Bella frowned, worry in her eyes. "What do you mean?"
I wet my lips, suddenly feeling very nervous. I took a deep breath, holding her gaze. "Jasper believes that the feelings I have for you are the ones that are formed between mates," I said slowly and carefully.
Bella's frown deepened, and she narrowed her eyes as if she hadn't heard correctly. Then she shook her head and turned, taking a few slow steps deeper into the woods.
I gave her time to let my words sink in, staying silent. But on the inside I was burning; what if she was upset? What was going through her mind?
Bella turned towards me again with a deep frown. "But... Esme was your mate," she stated, her tone confused. "You can't just stop loving her, just like that." She gave a humorless laugh, piercing me with her gaze. There was silent pain in her tone, and I could see that she was trying to hide it, almost succeeding.
"Of course I don't," I answered honestly. "Not a day goes by that I don't think of her."
Bella had a sorrowful expression of her face, and she lowered her gaze. "I'm sorry that she's not here," she whispered. "I know you miss her."
I walked closer to her, lifting her chin with my fingers. "Of course I miss her. As you miss Edward," I whispered softy. Grief flooded into her eyes again. "But," I continued. "They will never be truly gone. They both had a great impact on us. We wouldn't be the people we are now if it wasn't for them," I explained, trying to make her understand. "And it doesn't mean that we care about them less now, if we care about each other."
Her tangerine eyes met mine again, a silent request for guidance in her eyes. "So... you don't think that we should feel guilty? For what we are? You don't think it's a disgrace to their memory?"
"Do you feel that we are dishonoring them somehow?" I asked quietly, keeping my tone gentle.
She was quiet for a moment, frowning a bit. "No," she breathed eventually.
"Do you feel guilty, then?" I queried.
"I don't know," she sighed. "I don't want to, but someytimes I feel like I should." She shook her head, frustration evident in her demeanor.
I raised my hands to rest on her shoulders, kneading her marble skin through the fabric. "It's alright," I whispered. I took a deep breath, wondering how to put my feelings to words. At times like these I felt like I needed guidance from someone wiser. It was difficult to be the one with all the answers, when it was painfully obvious that I didn't possess them all.
"Do you feel," I began, "that Edward and Esme would resent us, if they could see us now and speak to us?" I asked gently. "Do you think that they would want us to live alone for the rest of eternity?"
I didn't know where my words had come from, and a part of me wondered if it was my mouth speaking but someone wiser was granting the words. Whoever it was, I was grateful for the guidance I had received.
Bella shook her head slowly, and I could see that her tangled emotions were beginning to solve themselves.
"They would want us to be happy," she whispered, finally meeting my gaze.
I took her hand, giving it a gentle squeeze.
We turned together and continued on our path. Bella managed to surprise me with a sudden apology. I couldn't understand the reason behind it, and gave her a confused frown as we walked slowly.
"Why would you be sorry?" I asked.
"Because I always freak out about something," she said. "And you always have to keep me in check and make sure I don't go all shrilly and crazy."
I chuckled quietly. "I'm afraid that's no reason to be sorry, Bella," I soothed her quietly. "I'm going through the same confusing thoughts myself as you are, and I understand."
We walked in silence for a moment, but soon Bella spoke again. "When did Jasper tell you about the... mate thing?" she asked, hesitating at the word mate. I tried not to let her hesitation bother me.
"A few weeks ago."
"Weeks?" Bella asked, stopping again. "Why didn't you tell me sooner?"
"I'm not sure," I admitted, trying to read her expression to find out if she was upset. "I worried how it would affect our friendship. I didn't want you to distance yourself from me," I explained. "I didn't want to risk anything, no matter how much I cared about you."
The look in her eyes softened. Her voice was quiet, wistfulness in her whisper. "So... you weren't going to tell me? Two days ago, if I hadn't been upset about that human and we hadn't been in the forest..."
I considered the possibility, wondering if I'd had the willpower to stay away from her very much longer. "I'm sure that I would have told you eventually," I whispered. "The bond that forms between mates is very strong, nearly impossible to ignore."
She nodded slowly, licking her lips quickly. "Does it bother you that... Esme possibly wasn't your mate?" she asked carefully, her voice apologetic.
I gave her a sad smile. "I always thought that she was my mate," I confessed cautiously, once again struggling to find the words to describe my feelings. "And I will always love her and cherish my memories of her. But what I feel towards you..." I shook my head, holding her gaze tightly. "It's different, but no less deep than what I felt for Esme. What I feel for you... it's something so binding, so powerful... words couldn't possibly describe it."
Bella was still for a very long time, her eyes unblinking and frozen as she looked at me. Her silence managed to worry me eventually, and I was about to ask if my words had upset her when she spoke.
"I think I understand what you mean," she said quietly, and I knew her words were honest. "I do miss Edward," she confessed with hesitation. "But it doesn't... mitigate the emotions I have when I'm with you," she said carefully.
I knew it took a lot from her to say those words - she was still guarding her heart, being careful when it came to expressing emotions and thoughts. I found myself grateful for our conversation as we made our way through the sleeping forest. We both had a better understanding of each other now, and I was relieved that my revelation of the mating bond hadn't upset her. I wondered why I had been so nervous to tell her about that.
Bella cleared her throat quietly as we walked slowly forward, and she kept her gaze strictly on the ground, looking a little hesitant.
"So I was wondering, um..." She cleared her throat again, and it made me wonder what was causing her discomfort.
"Yes?" I asked, encouraging her to continue.
She took a deep breath, her tone still indecisive as she spoke. "How serious was Emmett that one time when he asked you about the nurses at the hospital hitting on you?" she asked, masking her tone with casualness. But I could see that it was an act, and behind the mask she really cared about my answer.
I summoned that particular conversation from several weeks back when Emmett had teased me, and I had to chuckle softly at Bella's frown. "The nurses aren't as bad as Emmett made it sound," I answered, studying Bella's expression.
Her posture relaxed visibly, and something warm pulsed in my heart because of her possible jealosy.
And I suddenly couldn't help myself. "Since we're on the topic, there was this new nurse employed yesterday, actually," I began casually, keeping my expression neutral.
Bella stiffened again, throwing a glare at me. She cleared her throat, frowning. "Really?" she asked, sounding a little huffy even though I could tell that she made an effort to hide it.
"Yes," I went on, slipping my hands in the pockets of my slacks. "Green eyes, red hair, lovely freckles..." I described slowly.
The look in Bella's eyes darkened so visibly that I couldn't master myself any longer. Quiet laughter escaped my mouth, and I earned another glare from her.
She realised that I had only been teasing her, and then she stopped with her mouth agape. "Did you just try to fool me?" she asked, her tone incredulous and high-pitched.
"You should have seen how sour you looked," I chuckled.
She huffed loudly. "I can't believe you did that!" she exclaimed. "You're a wolf in sheep's clothing," she accused, shoving me gently backwards. Behind the annoyment I could see a twinkle of amusement. I laughed and she nudged me again, using more force this time. Before I even realised I was lying on my back on the moist forest floor, and Bella came down with me.
Her body was light as she lied on top of my chest, pinning me to the ground. "Say you're sorry," she ordered with mischief in her smile.
"I cannot do that," I said, grasping her arms in my grip. "I find it indescribably endearing when you are jealous of me."
"Maybe I'm not jealous," she said smugly, quirking her other eyebrow and grinding her teeth. "Maybe I don't care about the silly nurses you're looking at all day long."
I chuckled again, rolling her on her back so quickly that the movement was barely there - within a second our positions were reversed, making her shriek quietly in surprise. "Maybe I don't care about them, either," I whispered, looking deeply into her eyes.
The remaining rusty hues were slowly disappearing from her irises, conquered by blackness. Her mischievious smile disappeared along with the tangerine color. Her eyes stole a glance at my lips. It was almost like a request; an invitation.
And who was I to decline?
Her lips were as soft as they had been the last time I had the pleasure of kissing her, but the body beneath my own was warmer now. Our close proximity didn't startle me - it only felt right to have her so close to me.
And I wanted her closer - I needed her closer. Her body fit against mine with perfection that was almost divine.
Not even almost. It was divine.
She was divine.
Dear heavens.
A guttural moan made her lips vibrate, and her hand came up to grasp my shoulders, sliding up in my neck and into my hair as our lips danced a mutual dance. A shudder convulsed my body when she raked her fingers against my scalp. The moan traveling up my throat transformed into her name. And her name on my lips was a plea - more than that, it was a prayer.
I eagerly prayed for more.
"Bella..." I sighed against her mouth.
She surprised me by grapping my shoulder, pulling me closer almost forcibly. I had rarely seen her seek physical closeness so willingly, but now her touches almost demanded me. Closer, she asked.
I obeyed.
Her grip around my arm was hard and rough, more tighter second after second, and it made me hiss through my teeth quietly. I willed the sound to stop, because the pain caused by her grip was nothing compared to the urge to keep touching her. To keep her touching me. To have her close.
But my discomfort didn't go unnoticed, and Bella pulled away abruptly, releasing her tight grip, her eyes startled.
Her breath was coming in gasps, causing me to feel unspeakably complacent that our moment together was causing her body to react that way.
"I'm sorry," she said, curling her fingers as if to stop herself from touching me. "I'm hurting you," she whispered and frowned with regret.
"No." I grabbed her hands gently and unfolded her fingers. "It's alright."
I nuzzled her cheek lightly with the tip of my nose before dropping another tender kiss on her lips.
"I'm sorry," she said again, and I shook my head, chuckling.
"Don't apologize," I whispered, studying the orange hues of her eyes, mingling with the black shades of desire. "It's quite flattering to notice that... your control slips during our proximity," I breathed in her ear.
She shivered at my words, and once again I was pleased to see her reaction.
"I could have hurt you badly," she insisted, her tone still apologetic.
"Don't worry so much," I chuckled. "You won't harm me."
My lips found hers again, and after a moment of hesitation Bella raised her hands to cup my neck. Her touch traveled downwards, studying the form of my lower back, urging me closer. There was something demanding in her touch again, something that made tremors travel through my body.
Her lips separated from mine, and now there was shyness in her eyes. She cleared her throat quietly, regarding me with her gaze as her fingers brushed against my back.
"So..." she whispered, and there was something new in her tone - something I had never heard before. Another tremor rippled through me. "You're flattered?" she asked quietly, her voice exuding enticement. "About my loss of control?"
I nuzzled her neck with my nose, eliciting a very quiet moan. "I am," I whispered in her ear, drawing back to see her dark eyes.
"What else flatters you?" she asked, the shyness almost managing to drown her smile. The sight was unspeakably lovely.
Dear God, how I wanted her closer.
She frowned a bit when I didn't answer her question right away, but I fully intended to. I brushed my lips against her earlobe very lightly, so lightly that the touch was barely there. It made her shiver.
My fingers wandered to grap her wrist, pinning it gently against the ground while I nuzzled her neck again, being rewarded with another shudder that wracked her slender body.
"This," I whispered, drawing back again to gaze into her eyes. "The way you shiver when I touch you."
Desire flared in her eyes again, causing me to swallow thickly.
"What else?" she whispered.
Everything else; everything about her was flattering and tempting.
"I'm afraid that it'll take whole night to enumerate them all," I whispered to her.
It had started to rain, but I barely noticed. My entire focus was on the enchanting creature beneath my body, and I knew that she had my focus, now and forever.
Bella's smile was a little teasing, and then she nudged me lightly. Maybe she wasn't used to receiving compliments. "You're such a suck-up," she chuckled, flames dancing in her eyes.
"Not true," I argued gently. "I'm a very honest man. And I believe you're actually the first person to call me a wolf in sheep's clothing," I teased, remembering her earlier comment. Her quiet chuckle rivaled with the beauty of the raindrops falling against the ground.
It took all the strength I had to push myself away from her warm body, drawing her gently with me from the wet ground. When my focus was on her, when the whole reason of my existence was directed towards her, I found myself in lack of control. And I knew that even a few short moments so close to her would dissolve the meager self-control I had.
And I didn't want us to rush. I didn't want her to feel that we should rush. We had a whole eternity to learn about each other, and intimacy was something I intended to take my time with.
There was disappointment in Bella's tangerine eyes as I pulled away. It made me worry that I had insulted her. I didn't want her to think that I didn't desire her. Because, dear Lord only knew how much I did.
I brushed the pine needles away from her sleeves as she sat up, my fingers plucking a twig from her mahogany hair.
"Are you alright?" I asked from the silent girl in front of me.
There was a guarded expression in her eyes, and she nodded quickly.
I held her tangerine gaze in mine, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear. "I don't want us to rush. We are in no hurry," I reminded gently.
She nodded again, the disappointment disappearing slowly. "I know," she whispered.
We got up from the wet ground and struggled for a moment to make ourselves presentable by brushing our clothes clean from the mud and twigs. If we appeared at the house looking like this, we wouldn't hear the end of it.
We made our way slowly back towards home, and the need to cling to Bella and never let go intensified step after step. The closer we got, the inexpressible urge to have her close to me grew more powerful. I knew that within minutes I would have to let her leave from my arms, and we'd have to start pretending that there was nothing between us.
The whole notion was plain absurd. And I realised that pretending was something I couldn't take for long anymore.
I wondered if it was the same for Bella. Did she feel the same need, the same urge to have me close? Did my lack of touch leave her reeling and empty, the same way it drained me when I had to put physical distance between us? Was I in her thoughts during the long hours of separation the same way as she was in mine?
If she felt those same things... if the need was as powerful for her as it was for me, I again found myself repeating the same question in my mind I had mulled over these past two days.
What did I do to earn this fortune, this bliss? I still didn't know.
The lights of the house were visible to us within minutes. There was reluctance in Bella's movements when she uncurled her fingers from my other sleeve. She sighed quietly, and her next words made hope bubble deep within my silent heart.
"Let's just stay here," she said very quietly. "You don't have to go to the hospital. Who needs a job anyway?" A small grin made her lips quirk, and my own smile that rarely faltered in her presence widened at her words. Maybe she truly craved my company as much as I craved hers.
I chuckled quietly, lowering my head to brush her cheek with my lips. "Very tempting, I must confess," I whispered.
One last sweet kiss on her lips, and then I had to tear myself away from her. Then we walked side by side out of the forest.
But it appeared that the three inches that separated us was a way too wide a distance, and my fingers moved on their own accord as they grasped Bella's hand as we walked. She entwined her fingers with mine, and once again I admired the way our touches matched each other. It was as if our marble skins were supposed to be in constant contact.
A dark figure moved in the shadows of the porch, and I almost let Bella's hand fall from my grasp before I realised that our silent observer was Alice.
But we didn't need to hide from Alice. She knew.
"And where are you coming from at this hour?" she teased, her voice a little too loud for my taste.
Bella's voice was surprisingly innocent as she answered, and it made me wonder how she managed to make the innocence sound so tantalizing.
"We were just taking a walk," she quipped. "Is it forbidden in your universe?"
The enormous smile made Alice's face almost split. "Of course not. But staining your clothes is," she remarked, her eyes studying the large stain of clay in Bella's jeans. "Not to mention that Carlisle will be late from his shift if he doesn't leave soon," she continued with the same gleeful tone.
Bella turned to me with a teasing smile. "I'm sorry I kept you," she apologized with a wink.
"No reason to apologize," I answered cordially, playing back the conversation in my mind to find out if we had said something too revealing. The others were still somewhere near, and I didn't want them to come up with any conclusions by accident. Once Bella and I shared the news with them, we would do so personally.
I let Bella's hand fall from my grasp reluctantly as we stepped inside. Alice started telling Bella about her on-going decoration plans upstairs, but it was obvious that her words fell on deaf ears. It made me wonder what was going through Bella's mind. Was she thinking about what I had told her earlier about the mating bond? Once again I found myself fretting over the possibility that it bothered her, that she didn't feel those sensations so intensely that I did.
But usually once that kind of a bond was formed, it was two-way. The thought managed to bring me a little bit of ease.
Bella disappeared upstairs with Alice, and I followed after a moment. I changed swiftly, and then made my way to my study to pick up some papers I would need today. I was piling the forms into my briefcase when a quiet presence behind me made me smile.
"Have a good day," Bella wished quietly behind me. "Or night, whatever," she chuckled.
I turned to her, lowering the briefcase on the desk. "Thank you," I smiled.
There was a teasing glimmer in Bella's eyes, but the way she bit her lip revealed her uncertainty. "No nurses, right?" she asked very quietly, making me chuckle.
I stepped closer to tuck a lock of hair behind her ear. "Not a single one," I answered just as quietly, and I swore an oath to myself that someday I would make her believe that she had claimed my focus eternally, and I was blind to all other women in the world.
"Good," she said, narrowing her eyes a bit with that same teasing smile as her fingers came up to tighten the knot of my tie. She straightened it with care and focus, and I wondered if Alice's neuroticism regarding neat clothing was rubbing off on her.
Whatever the reason was, the small gesture was somehow very intimate.
I said quick goodbye to Emmett and Jasper who were now booing at the flatscreen in tandem. Rosalie was braiding her hair on the couch, unmistakably trying to block the loud shouts from her ears.
Alice wished me a good day from upstairs and I thanked her, but before turning around and making my way to the door that led to the garage, I had to take one more glance behind me.
Because there was someone standing on top of the stairs, someone whom I was unwilling to leave behind for the whole day. Someone who had claimed my focus a long time ago, and someone who would possess it forevermore.
My verbal goodbyes had been directed at the other members of my family, but no spoken farewells would do when it came to her - they simply weren't enough. And I had no wish to leave her and say goodbye, even if our separation lasted only a few hours.
So I didn't say anything. A secret smile on my lips matched hers as I turned slowly, making my way to the door and closing it behind me.
And I truly couldn't wait until getting back home again.