Eleanor p o v
Time it's funny I've begun to learn it's not endless as it use to seem in school when your staring at the clock just praying for three o'clock. Those 40 minutes always dragged on and on now I see the reality is we can never have enough time to do all the things we dream about. We will never have enough time to say the things we feel cause the reality is none of us ever know how much time we are alloted here on earth. Right now laying in bed hooked to oxygen unable to move now time seemed endless. I was so damn bored I couldn't use my bong I couldn't drink. I was even too tired to sleep anymore it seems that's all I do anymore is sleep, I wasn't even sure what day it was. It's been two weeks since I have been home. I couldn't believe we pulled it off after I collapsed in front of Phi she rushed me to the hospital where they put me on stronger oxygen readjusted my medications than released me. I came up with the idea to talk to Grace. There was no way anyone here could know we were in NYC so I figured if we took Callie back to Ireland to meet up with her parents we could fly from Ireland to London no one would be the wiser. Callie was super stoked to see her parents and her family were ecstatic to have their daughter back. Phi and I decided to stay over night explore Ireland a little except I collapsed again. This time nothing worked at the hospital I was admitted with fluid in my lungs, legs, ankles, stomach. Mum was called and was she ever mad. This was probably the first time that it dawned on me how serious this illness was though, medication wasn't helping diet wasn't doing it I was bed ridden on round the clock oxygen 24/ 7. Every breath was harder more painful even with oxygen my breathing was slower now than it had been in the past. Boredom was even worse though I hadn't had a single visitor since I have been home. I was so worried about Liam and Phi no one seems to know where he's at. Mum confiscated my phone so I haven't been ale to call him and I know Phi is in so much trouble. Mum was so mad the first thing she did at the hospital was slap Phi across her face over and over until Security had to calm her down. She banned Phi from seeing me had her escorted out of the hospital I felt helpless and so angry. I was too weak to even speak up never mind fight Mum. Since being back home I hadn't heard a word from her. I could only pray she was safe somewhere. No one would tell me anything. I hadn't been able to get Ted in here to talk to him. The only one who came into see me was mum and usually to yell at me about how selfish, stupid, immature, reckless I was. Or worse to hover over me when she thought I was asleep. I slept a lot but still every time I woke up I felt exhausted like now the blinds were closed. I couldn't tell if it was day or night what time it was. The clock was too far away sweat dripped down off my body. I just couldn't catch my breath I normally loved my room dark and gloomy but for some reason this time it sent me into a panic attack. I felt enclosed like I was in a tomb. I started breathing heavy gasping, I fumbled for the panic button but it was too far away I was staring to get dizzy. Every movement sent pain ripping through my chest which caused me to gasp and cry out. Just as I thought I would pass out my mum came rushing inside her eyes wide her own breathing fast paced. "Eleanor what's wrong?" I couldn't answer but she flew over opening the blinds how did she know? Sunlight streamed through the windows so it was daytime okay great now what day was it? What time? She came over helping me to sit up adjusting my oxygen than poured me some water helping me to sit up and sip it slowly holding my mask away for a few seconds than putting it on for a minute or two before lifting it so I could drink again. I managed a few sips only before it was too much. Helping me lay down she adjusted the covers stroking my face using a wet washcloth. Her voice seemed softer less stern when she started talking to me. It was like she was reading my mind telling me everything I wanted to know. "It's Tuesday 1:20 babe 22nd of March" Why was she being so sweet to me? My dad he wasn't was he? He couldn't be? I shot up but her hands gently pushed me down. "Your dad is fine sweetheart" I'll take you to see him later tonight after you rest some more" I was sick of resting! That's all I do but even as my brain fought against it my body seemed all for another lay down. Okay so I would have to wait to see my dad but I wasn't happy I had so many questions I really needed to see Liam where the hell was he? I looked at my mum motioning to his picture she smiled stroking my head as she called him again.
Once again no answer damn it where was he? Sleep overcame me before I could nod my thanks to her. Two hours later I woke up with a full bladder mum was there instantly before I could grab the call bell she had set up helping me to sit up position me into the wheelchair to wheel me down the hall. I was so weak anymore I couldn't even sit up on the toilet anymore she had to hold me than hold me while I cleaned myself. This was beyond embarrassing. I wanted to die. She didn't make any snide remarks even complain. She just helped me silently and got me back to my room. Staying with me till I fell asleep again. It's funny how little things suddenly start to matter when you can't do them anymore. Growing up is suppose to be a time of independence spreading your wings getting away from home learning to stand on your own two feet without mum and dad's help. I wish I had known a few months ago a year ago what I know now. I would of made different choices but now I have to take a step back and instead of growing up I'm forced to grow down. Depending on Mum again for the things I had stopped depending on her years ago. It wasn't just me that this was effecting though because I swear as I closed my eyes I saw a tear fall down her face she quickly swiped at it but I saw it. Well I always prided myself on being a cold hearted bitch and I guess I lived up to it I made the war painted cold calculated queen of England cry. Where's the wine when I need it? This calls for a drink, funny though cause that's what got me into this. Yup it's funny how this life thing works. When you think your done learning it knocks you back down on your arse tells you to sit it back down cause it ain't finishing teaching you yet.