Chapter 34 - Losing It
"She's showing high levels of brain activity, but we have good indication that when she does wake up, she'll be suffering some pretty serious memory loss. With the severity of her cranial injuries and the stress she underwent during the ordeal, she could be missing large chunks of her past, or the inability to retain new memories all together," the voice swimming in her ears was foggy, but familiar, "We won't know for sure until she recovers from the coma, but the prognosis doesn't look good at this point."
Miranda… it was Miranda. If she could only force her eyes open, if she could only make herself speak, she could let the woman know she did remember.
This time the voice that spoke was one she'd never heard, "How did they manage to find her after an entire week of searching?"
"They were about to give up. That section of the Citadel was in ruins, but as they were about to leave, they heard strange sounds coming from under the rubble," her old friend was talking again, "Turns out it was a distress signal from her omni-tool. Anyone else would have been dead by then, from starvation or dehydration, if not from blood loss. But Shepard, she's the most resilient person I've ever known. Who knows how she held out so long. She's severely dehydrated and she's lost a substantial amount of blood, but we've got her stabilized — What… what the hell? Did you see that?"
It was taking every ounce of strength and will to do it, but somehow Zoe managed to open her eyes, if only for a second.
"That's impossible! She hasn't even been here a day yet, there's no way!" the second voice cried out in shock.
"You don't know Shepard. She may come back to us sooner than we think. Shepard, if you can hear me, try to move your right hand," Miranda commanded, and the semi-comatose woman fought through her body's stiff resistance to do as she was told, "Oh my god! She did it! Shepard, you're in the Royal London Hospital. We recovered you from the wreckage in the Citadel late last night. You've been here for approximately ten hours, and we're doing all we can to fix you, alright? Just, stay with us, fight through this. I know you can do it. Don't push yourself too hard, though. After everything you've been through your body needs rest. But, don't give up on yourself either. Do you understand?"
The fingers on Shepard's right hand twitched once more in response. She could feel Miranda squeeze her left hand tightly, and hear a light gasp escape the woman's lips, but the commander couldn't force her eyes to open again. The sensation of incapacitation was infuriating. Zoe struggled desperately against it, feeling a heated panic rise in her immovable chest. Her heart started to race with the effort, and the machines hooked into her limbs began to sing out with a sharp beeping noise.
"She's going into shock. Get a sedative," Miranda had seen this happen once before, Shepard pulling herself fiercely from the brink of death, tenaciously eager to live again, "Calm down, Zoe. Don't fight yourself. You'll pull out of this soon, just relax."
But she couldn't; she had things to do, people to save, and friends that needed to know she was still alive. Her pulse climbed higher and higher, her mind racing with a ferocious intensity. The last thing she could remember was being shut into house arrest after destroying the Batarian Relay. What had caused this? What had they done to her to leave her in this state? It had to be the work of the Council, angry at her negligent actions. She was seconds away from finding the fortitude to raise her arms from the bed and yank the tubes from her flesh, when she felt a sharp prick in her inner elbow and everything went black again.
The next five days passed slowly, with Shepard slipping in and out of consciousness. Miranda was there frequently, but the commander still didn't have the strength to form coherent words. They'd worked out a system of yes and no responses with blinks, and so far the brunette had deduced that Shepard was indeed missing large sections of her memory over the past six months. Miranda worked with her day and night, careful not to press her too hard, as to not bring on another episode similar to the first.
On the sixth day, when the ex-Cerberus operative showed up for her morning visit, she couldn't believe her eyes when she stepped into the stark white hospital room. Zoe sat, propped up by pillows, with a book open on her lap, reading intently.
"Hey, Miranda. You're late this morning," Shepard observed, keeping her eyes plastered to the pages before her, "How's it going?"
"Zoe… what… how did you…" the brunette stuttered, taking a few cautious steps towards the bed.
"I woke up again a few hours ago, but I was totally lucid this time… I don't know how it happened, but here we are," the commander shrugged, seemingly unfazed by her sudden and miraculous recovery — of course, this experience was technically nothing new for her.
"Incredible… I swear to God, Shepard, you never cease to amaze me," Miranda was gaping, her head shaking slowly in disbelief, "So, do you feel up to answering some real questions today, or do you still need some time? I'd like to get a better idea of how extensive your memory loss is."
"I suppose…" Zoe looked reluctant, but also wanted more than anything to figure it out for herself, "Have a seat, it makes me nervous when you just stand there."
Miranda acquiesced, choosing the chair next to the window and pulling out a digital recorder to document the conversation, "Tell me the last thing you remember, in as much detail as possible."
Shepard closed her book to focus on the conversation, "I don't know how I'm supposed to answer that. The last thing I remember clearly was being taken in to house arrest on Earth, but there are things after that, they're just… fuzzy, and in sporadic chunks."
"We'll start simply, then. Tell me the names of the crew members that you remember clearly, and a little bit about each one," Miranda pressed on.
"Well, there's Joker… he's my pilot, the best in the business. Then, there's Liara, a doctor and expert on Prothean history… Garrus, codename Archangel, and he kicks my ass in target practice… EDI, the ship's AI…" she was obviously starting to struggle at that point, "Steve… he's… the engineer?"
"That was Addams. Steve was your armory chief, and shuttle pilot," her friend corrected, calmly, "Keep trying. Focus on the ones that you're having a hard time with."
"Right… I don't know what I was thinking. Anyway, Tal—Tali, quarian… likes cheesy romantic movies? Is that right or did I make that up? I met her when she was on her pilgrimage… Ashley, she was promoted to lieutenant commander while I was with Cerberus… I don't know, I remember them all pretty well, but I've known most of them for years. The memories are only cloudy for however long it's been since I was locked up."
"Is there anyone else from your recent past that you can recall?" Miranda had a certain name in mind, but she knew it was better for Shepard's recovery if she pulled it forth on her own.
"I… I don't know," a dull ache was beginning to throb in the back of Zoe's skull, where she had suffered the brunt of her head injury, "There's something else there but I can't… I don't know."
"Let's go over the events that occurred after the Reapers arrived," the brunette changed the subject before the commander had a chance to delve deeper and possibly cause herself more harm than good, "What are your most clear and recent memories about your first few missions?"
"I remember… there's a gap, between being brought in for trial and leaving Earth when the Reapers hit… but I remember Mars, the huge storm, fighting Cerberus. Liara was there… and Ashley… and… someone else. What was his name?" Shepard's brow knit together in frustration — whoever the shadow figure at the cusp of her memory was, they were important somehow.
"Maybe this will jostle your memory?" Miranda held out a set of dog tags hanging on a long silvery chain, and the commander reached out with trembling fingers to accept the trinket, "We found it on you when they brought you in. It was practically melted into your flesh. Read the name, maybe it will come back to you."
'Vega, James A'. It sounded hauntingly familiar, and a face materialized briefly at the back of her vision. Zoe could recall herself plucking the necklace from a bedside lamp and reading the letters silently before pulling it around her neck. But, no matter how she tried, she couldn't remember why they'd been there in her room in the first place. Shepard shook her head stoically, dropping the chain down on the nightstand beside her.
"I don't remember," she might have been missing clips of the movie reel that was her memory, but she still knew herself well enough to know this was going to be a long, infuriating road — made all the more unsettling by the fact that she might never repair the bridges of recollection that had been burned by her trauma.
"He's your significant other, Zoe," Miranda informed her, keeping her tone collected, but feeling anxiety rise steeply in her chest, "He guarded you when you were on house arrest here on Earth, then joined the Normandy in the fight against the Reapers. I don't know all the details myself, but somewhere along the way, the two of you fell in love."
The words were like an electric shock straight to her core, and the commander began to feel her breathing shorten in her confusion, "Why… why can't I remember that?"
"I'm not sure. All the decades spent researching your condition, and science still isn't certain how it works," the brunette appeared utterly crushed at not being able to give her old friend better answers, "But we do have the technology to help you recover. We'll start treatments as soon as we're finished perfecting it."
"Wait… I remember… something to do with N7. He was a fellow recruit? It that right? He had a tattoo…" she was traversing the deepest reaches of her bleary consciousness, reaching to pull something, anything forth that would give her an indication of who this man was to her.
"He received his commendation while under your command. Several days ago, he left to begin his training. Hackett is having him fast-tracked through the program, based on his service with you as his training officer, and…" Miranda hesitated, "Shepard… the admiral wants to place James in charge of the Normandy and your squad."
"They're giving him control of my ship? So, they don't know I'm alive?" Zoe's whole body tensed at the admission, heat abruptly rising to the back of her neck.
"The day after your rescue, the admiral was made aware of your survival, but by then, the lieutenant had already accepted the offer. Hackett couldn't, in good conscience, go back on his word, especially being unsure as to whether or not you were going to recover," the younger woman looked regretful at having to pour this all out on the commander in her weakened state, "I'm sorry, Shepard, but try to look at it in a positive light. James loves you, he'll do all he can to keep your crew and your ship safe for you, in the event you're able to return to your duties one day."
'James loves you…' Zoe couldn't wrap her head around the idea that somewhere out there was a man that cared so deeply for her, who's name and face she could barely recall. Her heart ached for him, and for her inability to make any worthwhile connections regarding him. Part of her was also reeling from the thought of someone she didn't know, at least not anymore, taking control of the one thing she held dear. The Normandy was hers; her life line and only saving grace for the last few years. To have it fall into the hands of a person who may as well be a stranger…
"Let's continue, if you're up for it," Miranda proceeded, urging the subject in a different, less upsetting direction, "What events to you recall after Mars?"
"I don't know… this is too much, Miranda. I don't know if I can do this yet," Shepard buried her face in her hands, "So much happened, but so much of it is blank… And it feels like I'm missing the most important parts."
"It's alright. We can continue this at a later time. If you'd like, I'll try to get in touch with some of your friends, ask them to visit. It could help pull together some of the missing pieces," the brunette suggested, standing to take her leave and give the exhausted woman some peace.
"Yes, as soon as you can… please," Zoe desperately needed to see more familiar faces right now, "Does… James know I'm alive?"
"No one knows at the moment, besides the doctors here, the admiral, and a few other higher-ups. As for informing the lieutenant — as you know, communication in the N7 program is pretty strictly prohibited, unless it's a family emergency," Miranda stepped towards the door.
"Right… well, if you can get in touch with Liara, Garrus… Tali, Joker, Ash… any of them, I don't care. I'd really appreciate it," Shepard slid down in the bed, laying her head back and staring blankly at the ceiling.
"I'll get right on it. Try to get some rest, Shepard. Everything will work itself out," with that, she left the shaken commander to her thoughts.
Later that evening, Zoe was graced with the presence of her first guests. Shortly after finishing off her bland hospital meal — the first solid food she'd had since coming back to — a familiar pair of bodies came rushing through the doors.
"Shepard!" Liara cried, bounding towards the bed, relief shining in her wide eyes, "I can't believe it! It's really you!"
"You're certainly a sight for sore eyes, Commander," Garrus trailed behind her, his pace more slow and controlled than his asari companion.
"Liara! Garrus! Shit, it's good to see you!" Zoe wanted more than anything to spring from the bed and scoop them both up in an embrace, but the fractures in both her legs were taking their sweet time in healing.
Liara leaned over the bed and hugged her tightly anyway, "It's so good to see you! And you remember us? Miranda said you were suffering from retrograde amnesia?"
"It's a mild case, everything is mostly intact. There are only bits and pieces that I can't recall," she sighed, as the doctor pulled back from her, "It's mostly details. I remember the the majority of the significant things… except for one."
"What is it you're missing?" Garrus inquired, his curiosity piqued.
Zoe reached over to the table and retrieved the dog tags she'd dropped there earlier that day, handing them over to her friends, "Who… who is he?"
The turian took the necklace from her and looked it over, his face clouding with something akin to sadness, "You mean… you don't remember the lieutenant?"
"I… I've been trying all day, but I can only pull little snippets out. I couldn't even remember his name until Miranda showed me that. Everyone else I didn't have a problem with, except I got Cortez and Addams mixed up briefly. She said James was my guard when I was locked up on Earth. I can remember tiny snippets of that time, but nothing significant. Same with the period while we were pursuing the Reapers. Small blips of conversation with him… but that's similar to what I remember about everyone else during that time. I think I remember arguing with him a lot, but I'm not sure if those memories are real or my mind is playing some kind of trick on me," she let out another heavy breath, "I guess the only reason I remember everyone else pretty clearly is because you've all been with me for years. But Miranda said… she said we were in love… and I… don't remember that part of it…"
"Oh, Shepard," Liara brought a comforting hand to Zoe's shoulder, "James loves you very much. He was desperate to find you after you went missing. He didn't sleep for days."
"We practically had to force him to eat and rest," Garrus interjected, "It took a week to convince him to finally accept the commendation into the N program. He's there now, or else he'd be right here by your side."
"But…" the commander let out a frustrated growl, "I understand you're just trying to make me feel better, and reassure me, but I don't understand how any of that matters if I don't remember who he was to me. All I remember is a hard-headed marine and a shameless flirt. I don't remember falling in love; I don't feel like I'm in love now. I only remember ever being in love with one person. And Miranda already went over with me the basics of what happened to her before the two of you got here. I don't remember that part either — not clearly. Tell me how I'm supposed to care about someone I've got no memory of having feelings for? Let alone, someone who's willingly about to take control of my command without even knowing if I'm still alive?"
"You don't understand, Shepard. We were told there was no hope of finding you," the turian nudged Liara out of the way so he could get in close to drive his point across, "We thought you were dead. The lieutenant is doing what we all convinced him was for the best, to keep your legacy safe and alive."
"He's not trying to steal anything away from you," the doctor's eyes were clouded with worry for her bewildered friend, "He's trying to follow in your footsteps, in the path you wanted for him."
"I'm guessing she doesn't remember telling him that, Liara," Garrus observed, "You don't, do you? You broke your promise to him, right before the final push. You had told him you'd take him with you, but you took Ashley and me instead. You said he had to step up for humanity in case you didn't make it. So, he's only doing what he thought you'd want him to do. What better way to live up to his word than do everything in his power to assure the ship stays in familiar hands?"
"But I'm not dead!" Shepard's inability to connect the dots was beginning to drain her emotionally, her capacity to see reason clouded by her elevating distress, "I survived, I'm breathing, and before long I'll be out of here again, and I'll be damned if someone else is going to take command of my fucking ship!"
The monitor to her side began emitting that piercing wail again, her heart rate rocketing to dangerous levels. She could feel her brow begin to bead with sweat and angry tears welled up in her eyes.
"Calm down, Shepard," Liara brushed her hair back from her face, a gesture that was supposed to be soothing, but only served to heighten the woman's aggression.
Zoe swatted the hand away, struggling against the pain in her legs, and yanking at the IVs embedded in her forearms, "I don't give a damn who he is, or what anyone tells me we might have felt for each other! That ship is my livelihood, the only home I've ever had! So help me, I'll put him in the ground before he can ever set another foot aboard her!"
Miranda came rushing into the room, terror flashing across her face as she caught sight of the scene, "What the hell is going on here? Shepard, stop it! Calm down or I'll be forced to sedate you!"
"I'm getting the hell out of here! Don't you dare try to stop me!" the commander shoved her frozen legs over the side of the bed, blood trickling rapidly from the holes she'd ripped in her skin.
"You can't even walk! Don't be stupid, Zoe!" the brunette rushed over to a medical cart, hastily retrieving a vial and needle, "Garrus, restrain her so I can get this in her arm! Now!"
"Don't make us do this, Shepard," Garrus pleaded, gripping her shoulders and shoving her forcefully back onto the pillows.
"Get off me, Garrus!" Shepard thrashed her arms, crimson pooling on the stark white of the bedsheets, "Let me go! You're supposed to be on my side!"
"I am, Shepard. Or else I'd just let you go so you could bleed to death while you try to right a wrong that doesn't even exist!" the turian was stronger than his gaunt frame would suggest, and he easily held her in place as Miranda carefully injected her with the potent sedative.
"This isn't right… It wasn't supposed to end like this," Zoe's words and thoughts became muddled, her vision slowly waning, "I should have died…"
"Shepard…" Liara was distraught, tears flooding down her cheeks at the sight of her broken friend.
"Just relax, Commander," Garrus made his voice as calming as possible, stroking her forehead as she slipped gradually into unconsciousness.
"You're… not supposed to… call me that anymore… James…" with the final word, Shepard's eyes sank shut, and she was out like a light.
"Damn," the turian spat, jerking around and shaking off the eerie feeling that seeing her fade out had given him, "We have to find Vega. Tell him what's happening to her. This is bad, Liara. He has to know."
"I'm not sure that's a good idea," Liara grabbed a tissue from the bedside table and wiped at her damp cheeks, "She's just had an anxiety attack simply from the idea of him taking over the Normandy. If she actually sees him, her reaction might be even worse than that."
"Besides," Miranda cut in, "He's in training. There's no way to reach him, unless it's a family emergency."
"So, we'll tell them it is. Shepard is family, dammit, especially to James. Can you imagine if we let this go on without informing him?" Garrus could feel himself becoming irrational, a sensation he was severely uncomfortable experiencing, "He'll be devastated as it is, but to let this continue until he's done with training, and possibly get worse in that time frame? He'd never forgive us, and you know I'm right."
"I don't think it's going to be that simple," the brunette dropped her head, wistfully, "Liara has a point. If we bring him into the situation now, it could exacerbate her condition. It might be better if we try other tactics to retrieve her memories, as we finish perfecting our tech, before introducing him into already volatile circumstances."
"Fine. I'm not a doctor, do what you want. But it's your funeral when he does find out," Garrus scoffed, stomping out of the room in a fit of fretful vexation.
The training that would have taken any other solider a solid six months to complete took James a brief month and a half. Hackett had stayed true to his word, and upon his graduation, bestowed upon him the rank of Commander to the Normandy. He handed over the ship to Vega without a word of the news he'd known for weeks now. Perhaps he hadn't thought it would make a difference, that James would have forgotten to worry about it, or perhaps the admiral was still too busy with the renovations of Earth to remember to mention it. Either way, little did the older man know, the new commander's world and everything he thought he knew about his future was about to turn completely upside down.
James' first indication that something was amiss came in the form of a vague email from Garrus. The turian wrote to congratulate him on his recent graduation, but it was what came after that that caused the hairs on Vega's arms to stand at attention. His turian comrade had news about Shepard — and the news wasn't good, but that was all he would say without meeting in person. In addition, he'd asked the commander join to him at the embassy in London later that evening, telling him to come prepared for some upsetting revelations. Zoe was alive, James was sure of it. If it had been anything else, if they'd found her dead, Garrus would have just said so. But no, they'd found her, and they'd kept it from him. Or, more likely, the news wasn't able to reach him while he was sequestered to the makeshift training grounds.
After the destruction of the mass relays, interspace travel had become veritably impossible, so the various military organizations had set up temporary bases wherever necessary to rebuild their decimated forces. As much as James loved Earth, he was starting to miss the vast expanse of the outer world; the endless adventures and unlimited freedom of the open sky were calling to him. Or, maybe that was only because space was where he'd gotten to know and love her. Whatever the case, the peace that had settled over the galaxy in the days after the destruction of the Reapers was steadily waning.
It didn't matter that the races had all come together for once in their existences to join forces in an epic display of camaraderie; when it came down to it, enemies were enemies. Old grudges were not going to be put to rest so easily as all that. But, as much as James was itching to get back to the skies, as much as he wanted to do his part to keep the semblance of peace afloat as long as possible, none of that mattered right now. He had to see Garrus, had to pry the truth from him, and then, he had to find her.
When Vega arrived at the embassy, Garrus was sitting on the steps outside the doors, searching the crowd for any sign of the commander's presence. When their eyes met, James broke into a jog, determination set in his hardened countenance. They shared a brief embrace, and the turian offered his hand for a congratulatory shake.
"Commander Vega, good to see you again," Vakarian could try to stall all he wanted, but James had more pressing things on his mind.
He wasted no time with pleasantries, skipping right to the important questions, "What's the news, Garrus? How is she?"
Garrus dropped his gaze to the ground, "She's alive, as I'm sure you've already figured out. But, aside from that, it's not good, James."
"How bad is it? Crippled? A coma? Tell me, man," the flustered marine's voice was rising, along with his blood pressure.
"She's having some trouble with the use of her legs; they were crushed pretty badly when the rubble fell on her, but that's not what we're concerned about. She's… got some pretty significant memory loss."
"How far back? What is it that she can't remember?" the commander had a bad feeling about what the answer was going to be, and his comrade's ambiguity was starting to irk him to an extreme level.
The turian let out a weary sigh, "She's having the hardest time with memories surrounding… you. More specifically, the most current chapters of your relationship."
"You mean… she doesn't remember that we were together in the end?" James felt his heart plummet to the ground, shattering into a million pieces at his feet.
"I'm sorry, James. We've been working with her for weeks, trying to revive her memories of you and the weeks leading up to the final battle. But, so far the most recent memory we've been able to drag out of her isn't exactly a pleasant one in regard to you," Garrus rubbed at his head, searching for a way to phrase his words, "The last thing she can recall is a fight the two of you had after you took a bullet for her during Cerberus' attack on the Citadel. She says she only remembers bits and pieces of your conversations after that. That you were an ass… and a shameless flirt."
"She's got me pegged, at least… But, that can't be it, there's gotta be something else that's hiding in there," the marine clenched his fists tight, resolve burning in his eyes, "I have to go see her. Where's she at now?"
"I… don't know if that's a good idea, Commander. She… knows about your new position. And, she's not happy about it," Garrus grimaced, "In fact, she's pretty damn infuriated at the whole thing right now. She kind of wants to snap your neck, I think."
"She's pissed at me? What the hell for?" Vega's stomach joined his heart, sinking down to the pavement.
"She doesn't remember being in love with you, James. All she knows it that you're some near-stranger that's about to take control of her ship. You know as well as anyone how ridiculously hardheaded Shepard can be. She isn't listening to any of us about you. We've all done our best. Tali, Ashley — even Wrex has been to visit and not a single one of us have been able to knock any sense into her," Garrus was becoming visibly flustered at his inability to communicate the dire nature of the situation, "Honestly, I've never seen her like this. She's under the impression that her whole livelihood is being stripped away from her. She's confused, scared, and unreachable. This is the first time in all the years that I've known Shepard that I've been at a loss as to how to get through to her."
Suddenly, a thought occurred to James, "What about Chakwas? Or Jack?"
"Doctor Chakwas has been busy elsewhere with relief efforts… and Jack; I'm not even sure she's aware of what happened, or where she was when the relays went out," the turian shook his head, unsure of where the new commander was going with this.
"We've got to find her. I trust you, so I'm not gonna try to go in there just yet, but we've got to do what we can to find Jack. I don't know why, but I have a feeling that if anyone can get through to her, it's Loca."
It was settled at that. James and Garrus went to work tracking down the eccentric woman and it would seem for once that their luck was uncharacteristically favorable; it only took a matter of hours to pinpoint her location and send out a correspondence. The response was quick, and encouraging. Jack had wound up on Earth right before the final attack, and had been holed up in an apartment in Amsterdam for the weeks afterward. She let them know she could be there by the next day, if all went well. Now, all they had to do was wait and see if Vega's intuition was on point.