Helloooo, kinda happy/sad chapter ahead, enjoyyyy ;)
Understanding
Ellie strolled down the stairs the next morning looking tired and beaten. She was sick of feeling scared all the time and just wanted it all to go away. She walked into the kitchen to see Clara sat eating breakfast and reading a magazine, enjoying the peace whilst it lasted. When Clara saw her she put the magazine down and sat round on her chair so that she could hug her.
"You're back." Clara nodded.
"Yeah, I am now. Sorry I didn't get to see you yesterday evening, there were a few things I had to sort out with grandad and Linda before coming home." Ellie didn't reply, she just nodded slowly. "How are you feeling this morning?" She hesitated and tried to stop the tears welling in her eyes. Clara pushed her hair out of her face and sighed. "El, speak to me honey. Tell me what's going on in your head. I want to be able to help you." She shook her head.
"I can't." Clara held her around her waist.
"Why not sweetie?" She looked down at the floor to avoid eye contact.
"I can't explain it. I can't put it into words." Clara smiled.
"That's okay, just take your time. It doesn't even have to make sense, just try to get something out." She nodded.
"Can we go for a walk and talk about it?" Clara nodded and smiled again.
"Of course we can, if that will help you." Ellie nodded making Clara smile. She suddenly looked so grown up. She was no longer such a little girl, she had matured and become much more like Clara was at her age. That was something that Clara found daunting yet liberating. She loved watching her children grow up, it made her so proud.
They got up and walked to get their shoes on. Clara called up the stairs to Danny. He called back and then came to the top of the landing where they could see each other. "I'm just going to take Ellie for a walk and a chat." She winked slightly at him so that he knew what it would be about.
"Okay, take your time. See you in a bit." Clara nodded and smiled. She then blew him a kiss and got her coat on.
They headed for the park slowly but Ellie didn't say anything until she realised that Clara had noticed the silence.
"I don't know where to start mummy." Clara took her hand reassuringly.
"How about you tell me what happened yesterday?" She nodded, seeming to be glad of a prompt.
"I was okay at the start because me and grandad and Lily were just playing a game. That one that we always play." Clara nodded and smiled. "But then when Linda walked in I couldn't breathe and I stood up to get away from her. Grandad said that it was okay but it didn't feel okay because I could tell he was cross with her. Then she came to sit down but shouted too so Lily cried. It made me think of when she came and took Noah in my dream, I didn't like it... Then she sat on the sofa and came near me and I got scared. I couldn't breathe again and I got cross when she kept saying horrible stuff about you so I ran away. When I got outside I could breathe again so I ran away because I didn't want to see Linda. I know I shouldn't have ran away but I didn't know what else to do..." Clara nodded.
"That's okay, don't worry about what you did, we've sorted that... What did Linda do in the dream then? Why did she take Noah away?" Ellie started to talk again quite quickly. Now that she was walking she had a distraction so it was easier to say what was on her mind.
"I don't know why but I think it was because she wanted everyone to like her. Grandad was there too but he wasn't looking at her, he was looking at you. So she walked in to the room and took him off of me. That man was there too. They took him away together. It made me not like her even more because she was with him and I really don't like him." Clara looked down at her and then pulled her hand a touch to guide her over to the bench nearby.
"El, you do know that nothing is going to happen to you or anyone else don't you? We are all completely fine and we always will be. There's no need to worry about that. You're safe and so is Noah. Linda doesn't need to have anything to do with you if you don't want her to, we can arrange that." She nodded.
"I know. But I still keep getting scared. I can't help it, sometimes I just feel really scared and I can't breathe and-" Clara stopped her to avoid any more tears. They had had plenty of those throughout the last few weeks.
"It's okay, don't worry. What sort of things make you scared?" She shrugged.
"Lots of things. I used to get scared and worried before I got the dreams as well... I didn't tell you because I didn't want to make you sad. I'm sorry mummy." Clara sighed and hugged her tightly.
"Oh Ellie. You don't need to worry about that! You can tell me anything at all, wherever and whenever you like. I'm your mummy, that's what I'm here for." She smiled and nodded.
"Sorry... But after the dreams I have been getting more scared." Clara stroked her hair back from her face. They had left too soon for Clara to plait it so it was annoyingly falling in her face as a result.
"Do you feel scared or do you feel panicky? So you feel okay one minute and then the next minute you can't breathe and you feel like you need to get away from the situation?" She nodded.
"Yeah, like that. I need to run away so that everything goes back to normal. Nice and relaxed, just how I like it." Now Clara paused and looked across the field. Things were becoming more and more worrying now. Before it was a matter of calming down nightmares but now it seemed to be something much deeper and more difficult to fix.
"So is Linda one of the things that makes you feel panicky?" Ellie nodded.
"Yeah, I don't like seeing her." Clara smiled again. Suddenly things seemed to make a bit more sense now. It explained Ellie's constant odd behaviour around Linda and her urgency to get away.
"Well done for telling me, good girl. But I want you to know that you can always tell me anything, anything at all. Big or small. Important or not important. It doesn't matter what I'm doing or what I have on my mind. No matter what is happening you always come out on top. You are the most important thing to me, along with daddy, Lily and Noah. You all mean so much to me. So don't worry about giving me more to think about because I'll always be here for you." She smiled and hugged Clara tightly. Clara hugged her back and kissed her head. She loved Ellie so so much. Before finding Danny and having children she didn't believe that it was possible to hold that much love and affection for someone but now she believed it completely. There was nothing in the world she wouldn't do for her family.
They got home and Ellie went up to her room for a while. She needed time to relax and think about what she had said, it hadn't quite sunk in that she had actually spoken about it out loud yet. She had concealed it for so long that she had gotten used to it being her problem and hers only but now she felt happy that her mum knew too. It was one less thing off of her mind and her shoulders. Clara walked in to the living room and sat down next to Danny. She didn't say anything. She just sat and stared at the wall. After a few minutes Danny put his arms around her and, after a short hesitation, she leant into him and hugged him tightly, taking pleasure from his protection.
"I think it's more than just the dreams Danny. I think there's a deeper problem that she's had for a while now but she has chosen to hide it. I don't really know how to help her." He sighed and kissed her head. He then pulled away so that he could see her face.
"What did she say?" After a sigh, Clara told him everything.
"Right..." She smiled a little at his reaction, sensing some déjà vu.
"Yeah... That was my reaction too. I just can't believe that we didn't notice that something was wrong. I mean, as soon as she said how she has been feeling it clicked. I thought back to all of the days when she has been a little bit off and it makes sense. But at the time I was none the wiser." He nodded.
"We should have noticed, we really should have." He leant forwards to rest his elbows on his knees. He then rubbed his hands over his face. "God I feel so bad." She leant forwards and rubbed his back.
"Me too. Bless her." As Clara finished speaking they heard a creak from the door making them turn round. Ellie was stood there looking very worried and upset.
"That's why I didn't tell you mummy! Because it makes you upset and makes you say that you are a bad mum and dad when you're not!" She ran out of the room, upstairs and slammed her bedroom door. Clara sighed as Danny called after her.
"Oh great, that's just what we need." They both got up and headed up the stairs.
Clara knocked on her door gently but stopped when she could hear Ellie crying softly.
"Ellie? Let mummy in and we can talk about it yeah?" Ellie quickly called back.
"No! Because that won't make it all go away!" Clara looked at Danny who shook his head in regret.
"I know it won't but if you talk to me and daddy we can think about getting help from someone who knows how to fix it. If that's what you want?" There was a break of silence as though she was considering what Clara had said. After a second or two the door opened slowly so they both entered. Ellie was sat quietly on her beanbag looking out of the window. Clara and Danny both walked slowly to sit down beside her.
"Honey?" She turned round and began to cry again, she couldn't stop it. She jumped forwards and hugged Danny desperately. He held her protectively and rubbed her back softly.
"It's okay. It's okay. Mummy and daddy are here."
"I want it all to go away, I hate it. I want to stop worrying about things so that I can be normal. I want it to go away." She continued to sob into Danny's shoulder. A tear fell down Clara's cheek. She felt so guilty for not noticing that anything was wrong. Her little girl had been suffering so much and she hadn't even noticed. It also broke her heart to see her so upset. She hadn't ever seen Ellie this upset before so it was quite a shock to the system.
"Ellie, if I could make it all go away I would, without a second thought but you know me and daddy can't do that right?" She nodded slowly and then sat back on her beanbag. "So instead you need to try to explain it to us. How it feels, what goes through your mind and what sort of things cause it. Do you think you can do that?" She nodded again.
"Yeah but I can't talk about it all the time because I can only say it when I feel worried or sad. When I'm happy I don't think about it." Clara nodded.
"That's okay! You don't have to talk about it all of the time, you can just come and talk to us when you want to." She smiled a little bit and hugged Clara tightly.
"Okay."
"So what makes you happy then? What makes you most happy in the world?" She paused to think.
"Watching a movie with lots of popcorn with you and daddy... And Lily when she doesn't keep singing all the time." Clara and Danny laughed.
"Okay well let's go and do that then. Let's put that smile back on your face." She nodded and got up slowly. "You go on ahead and choose the movie, yeah?" She nodded again and left with a sigh. Danny put a hand on Clara's shoulder and smiled reassuringly.
"Don't blame yourself for this. It isn't your fault, it'll be okay." She smiled gently and quickly wiped away the tears that were falling down her cheeks. He kissed her head and took her hand.
As they got down Ellie had already put on the movie and seemed to be settling nicely. Even Lily was watching it quietly which was an absolute miracle. Danny walked in and sat down but Clara went into the kitchen to wipe her eyes first. She didn't want Ellie to see that she had been crying. As she entered she heard the familiar whirring noise that always filled her with joy and excitement. Soon enough the Doctor entered the room slowly.
"Am I okay to park here?" She laugh a little.
"Yeah, you're fine." He then looked up and stared a little closer at her eyes.
"Have you been crying? Are you okay?" Clara smiled and threw the tissue in the bin.
"Yes I have and yeah, I'm okay. Just some trouble with Ellie. But seeing you will cheer her up, come though." She lead him into the living room where Danny smiled warmly at him and Ellie jumped up to hug him.
"Doctor!" He hugged her back awkwardly and smiled a little.
"Hello! How are you!?" Her smiled dropped a little and she sighed.
"I'm okay... But I have something for you!" He smiled and sat down next to Lily who hugged him as well.
"Something for me!?" She nodded as she walked up to him with the card she had made a few days earlier.
"I made you a card to say thank you for saving the world and helping me by making the dreams go away. And to make you happy again because mummy said that you were sad." He smiled widely as he looked through the picture that had all been very carefully coloured in.
"That's lovely of you! Thank you very much! I feel better already." She smiled and went to sit back down next to Danny. The Doctor then gave Clara a look making her usher him into the other room.
"I didn't tell her what happened or anything, I just said that you wouldn't visit for a while as you were a bit upset, but you have come so all is good." He nodded and sat down at the table.
"Yeah, yeah, that's okay. I was kind of passing so I thought I'd drop in and say hello like you said to." She laughed.
"You were 'passing'? Since when do you pass by?" He smiled.
"Okay, okay, I planned to come but either way..." She nodded.
"No it's nice of you to come, it's good to see you." After a pause she spoke again. "So how have you been?" He smiled down at the table and began to fiddle with the card he had been given.
"Yeah, I've been alright I guess." She frowned.
"Just alright?" He shrugged.
"Yeah, alright. I mean, I've not been sad. But I've not really been happy either." She shook her head.
"So you've not been alright then." He looked at her, confused. "Doctor, I know what it feels like to not be happy or sad. To be in that dreadful in-between stage where you can't decide how to think or feel. It's lonely and it's definitely not alright." He sat back in the chair and sighed.
"Clara Clara. Always the over-observant one eh." She nodded. "Obviously I'm still upset over it all but I've moved on a little. It's just... I just don't have any direction in my life at the moment. I feel like I'm just cruising through space with no purpose, no plan. I'm just sort of there. And you're right, I am lonely. Sometimes you forget what it's like to have someone to talk to. I spend so long talking to myself now that I don't notice." She put her hand out for him to take.
"I understand... What if I made an agreement with Danny? What if I travelled with you once a week? Just one afternoon a week." He frowned.
"You don't need to do that. I understand why you don't travel anymore. You've got a family to think about. A life on Earth. It's not your fault that I'm lonely." She shook her head.
"I know don't need to but I want to. I want to make you happy again. I want to give you something to look forward to. Because I know that it would." He gave her a look that she knew meant that she was right. He couldn't deny the fact that he craved some company. He missed the old times, just like she did sometimes.
"Okay but don't do it if it's going to cause any problems between you and Danny. I don't want that at all." She smiled.
"Don't worry, all will be okay. Now come on, come and watch the movie for a bit." He smiled.
A few hours later, the Doctor said his goodbyes and left happily. Clara was so glad that he had come to visit. It seemed to make him so much happier. It brought the smile back on to his face and gave him something to look forward to. As he left she reminded him that she would talk to Danny about travelling. She was going to speak to him but she hadn't figured out when. Now wasn't really the time, Ellie was the priority. Clara went to sit back down but as she hit the sofa the doorbell rang. Danny laughed as she groaned whilst heaving herself back up. She got to the door and opened it quickly. She sighed a little when she saw Dave stood there looking rather sorry for himself. He came in and nodded over at Danny but moved to the side so that the girls didn't see him. Once she could see him in some proper light she looked at him in shock.
"Dad what happened!?" A large cut on his head shone slightly in the light.
"Linda..." She sighed and lead him through to the kitchen where her and the Doctor had sat less than a few minutes ago. He paused before speaking, as though he wasn't really sure enough in himself to tell her what was going on.
"How's Ellie?" Clara sighed.
"Umm, she's not too good. It's a long story that I'll tell you at some point. First, though, we need to talk about you. How are you doing? And what the hell happened?" He shrugged.
"I've made my decision. But obviously it didn't go down well." She nodded.
"So what's happening?"
"I'm leaving her." Clara tried to hide her relief and happiness as she knew that it was tough for Dave. No matter what had happened he still loved her so leaving her was bound to be difficult.
"Oh, right. How did she take it?" He shook his head.
"Not well at all. I mean really not well. I've got this to show for it." Clara sighed as he pointed at his head. He then winced slightly as he changed facial expression.
"What did she do this time? Throw a mug?" He shook his head.
"Close. But no, it was a plate." They both laughed a little, glad that they could see the funny side of things.
"Oh blimey. So she kicked off then?" He nodded.
"Yeah, big time. I pretty much had to wrestle her out of the front door so I'm dreading when she comes back to get her stuff." Clara laughed a little.
"What did you say to her?"
"That I felt like we didn't really have any connection anymore and that I don't really love her. That's when she threw the plate. I knew she would fight back but I didn't anticipate almost being decapitated by a flying piece of china." They both laughed.
"Well she always was unpredictable... But dad, seriously now, are you okay? It can't be easy on you, you did love her once." He nodded.
"I feel a bit odd. Like something is missing from my life but its not a bad feeling. It's more of a relief than anything else." She smiled a little. "And before you try and hide it, I don't mind if you're happy about it. I expected you to be to be honest." She looked at him with guilt.
"Dad I'm not happy about it really. I didn't like her and you knew that but that's beside the point. She was your wife and I had to accept that you loved her. So I am relieved that she's not going to be there to cause anymore trouble but I'm not happy that your relationship is over. I'd never be happy about that." He nodded and smiled. As he did he winced in pain.
"Have you been and got that checked out?" He shook his head.
"Nah it's nothing, I don't need to." She frowned.
"It looks pretty bad from where I'm standing. Come over here." He followed her over to the worktop where she sat him down on the stool. She pulled out the medical kit and made him sit still.
"Clara you don't need to do this." She shook her head.
"Yes I do, you don't want it getting infected. Now sit still." He smiled up at her as she rubbed it gently with an antiseptic wipe and began to put some cream on it. As she did Danny walked in happily.
"Everything alright?" Then he saw Dave's head. "Woah what happened to you?!" He sighed.
"Linda. She threw a plate at me." Danny looked at him in surprise. He couldn't make out if he was meant to laugh about it or if Dave was actually upset.
"Wow okay. What did you do to deserve that eh?" He said, trying to lighten the mood.
"I told her that I didn't love her anymore and that we're finished." Now Danny paused, feeling rather guilty for his lack of tact.
"Ahh mate, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-" Dave shook his head but stopped when he got a stern look from Clara who was still trying to fix his head.
"Don't worry, honestly. It was going to happen sooner or later." Danny nodded. It went silent for a minute or two before Clara stepped in.
"Danny would you mind giving us a minute? I'll fill you in later, promise." Danny smiled.
"Yeah or course, take your time." She kissed him quickly and watched him walk back into the living room.
She turned her attention back to her dad now.
"So are you sure that you're okay?" He nodded.
"Yeah don't worry about me. I'll be fine. I'll get off now, leave you in peace." She frowned.
"You don't have to. You can stay here for the night if you like, you don't have to go back home." He shook his head.
"No, no, it's alright. I think I'll be grateful of the peace actually." She nodded.
"And if she comes back later on?"
"I'll tell her where to go. Don't worry! It'll all be fine. I'll call you tomorrow." He got up and walked to the front door. "Oh and thank you for this." He pointed to the bandage on his head. She smiled and hugged him goodbye.
"No need. Any time. I'll speak to you tomorrow." He nodded and left. She stood in the hallway for a few minutes before going back into the living room to see that both Lily and Ellie had fallen to sleep. She smiled and joined Danny quietly.
"Everything alright?" She nodded and leaned into him. He put his arm around her and kissed her head.
"Yeah, I'm just worried about him. I think he's putting a brave face on but won't tell me what's going on in his head." Danny sighed.
"Hey, he'll tell you when he's ready. He's just broken up with his wife, it's going to take time to settle down." She nodded up at him. "And I know that he appreciates the help and support you're giving him now so don't worry about it. You're doing all you can." She smiled and kissed him softly.
"Wow, I'm guessing that helped then?" She nodded and they both laughed.
"Yeah, thank you Danny. I love you." He smiled and kissed her again. As they settled down they heard a cry from the baby monitor. She started to get up but he stopped her.
"No, I'll go." She nodded and watched him leave the room. She then looked down at Ellie and stroked her still tear stained cheek. She looked so cute when she was asleep. In some ways she wished that she could keep her there forever. Asleep and at peace, where no harm could come to her. She knew that wasn't possible though.
Danny appeared back in the room with a grizzly Noah in his arms. He had managed to settle him a little upstairs so not to disturb the girls.
"Someone needs a feed." Clara smiled.
"I guess that's my job then." He nodded.
"Oh I'd do it if I was able to, it would give you less stress." She kissed his cheek as he sat back down.
"I appreciate your offer." She winked. "But actually this is one of the parts of having a small baby that I don't really mind." He grinned.
"Good, because that means that you can relax and stop worrying for a while." She nodded as they both looked down at Noah lovingly. He was always at his happiest when he had just woken up. It was at times like these that Clara felt most happy, with her perfect family, in the comfort of her own home.
Thank you so much for reading! You honestly have no idea how much it makes me happy to see that people continue to read this, thank you all so much!x