A/N: Hey there all my readers!! This is just a reminder of my
previous warning in the last chapter (though this chap is much milder).
Also, I realized something while writing the other day. I began "Tansho"
near the end of my Junior year, just before we let out for summer. Believe
it or not, I've been working on "Tansho" for over a damn year now!! ^_^
Whew! But I do promise that it won't take me another year to finally
finish it, OK? Well, have fun reading, and leave me some reviews, too!!!
^_~
Chapter 35
Forbidden Thoughts
None of us speak. The only sounds in the kitchen are the soft bubbling of our dumplings boiling and the calm slicing sounds of Okichi's knife as she finishes the water chestnuts and begins on a small pile of bamboo stalks. The tension in the room is hard to define. Sadness. Anxiety. Nervousness. It all seems to be tangled together in a suffocating mass of silence.
But then we hear the sound of the back door opening, and the breeze of our sighs of relief seem to echo inside the tiny tavern kitchen. The midwife never enters a residence by way of the front. It is a silent common knowledge that her business and the business of the woman inside the house are their own and no one else's. For this, the women of this city are grateful.
"Asako?" Mayonaka's soft, aged voice drifts gently into the kitchen.
"I'm here, Mother," Asako answers, leaving her dumplings to greet the elderly midwife at the back door.
The women of the capital have called Mayonaka "Mother" as long as she's practiced midwifery within its walls. She is not their mother by body, of course. But by addressing her so intimately, they feel a connection with her wise soul, something that eases their discomfort and anxiousness in the times of their distress.
Misa and Koi rise to greet the old woman as she enters the kitchen, offering embraces and kisses on the cheek that Mayonaka accepts with loving cordiality. Okichi does the same while Asako takes the aged midwife's burden from her, a heavy wicker basket that holds everything needed in her trade. I avert my eyes from it as Mayonaka approaches me, her small arms spread wide to accept me into them. I have to bend slightly to reach her height, but I still let her cradle my head on her shoulder as if I were a little girl.
Mayonaka is a woman who has managed to age with admirable grace. Her hair lost its obsidian glisten many years ago, only to be replaced with the shimmering brilliance of hair the color of snow. She wears it in two soft buns set high on her head, held in place with rare gray pearl pins. And I have always thought her gently wrinkled face to be lovely, showing deep crow's feet in the outer corners of her eyes and laugh lines along either side of her painted lips.
"My girls," she says to us, running her wrinkled hand along my arm until she is clutching my hand lovingly, "I haven't seen you for so long. I was beginning to worry for you, my dears."
"We've been fine, Mother," Okichi replies, smiling down at the petite midwife.
Mayonaka has seemed to dissipate the atmosphere of sorrow that hung in the air of the kitchen just moments before. And the scent of the jasmine incense she burns so often in her home has traveled with her along the streets of the capital to mingle with the thick scent of our cooking dumplings and rice. I see her sniff the air in a delicate manner.
"Ah, shrimp dumplings!" she announces, "Do tell me, Asako, that you remembered to cook an extra for your old Mother."
Asako smiles sweetly, showing the empty spaces in her mouth. "Of course I did."
"Well then, my dear," Mayonaka replies, taking her wicker basket from Asako's hands, "Keep an eye on those dumplings while I boil some water for the tea." Okichi immediately rushes to the back of the kitchen to fetch a tea kettle hanging above the hearth, but Mayonaka stops her before she gets very far.
"Now now, Okichi," she scolds, placing her basket on the wooden table next to the chopped bamboo stalks, "You continue on with your work and let me fix the tea on my own. I'm not so old that I need everything fetched for me!"
Okichi does as she's told and returns to her slicing. Mayonaka turns to the rest of us before we can even offer our assistance and orders us to sit on the bench where we were before she came. And, more than willing to obey our Mother, we do as we're told.
I watch intently as Mayonaka takes a small kettle from a row of hooks above the burning hearth. She carries it back to the wooden table where Koi, Misa, and I sit, sets it down, and begins to fold the long layers of her red silk sleeves under so they won't get in the way. She then turns to us and hands me the kettle.
"Would you go fill this with water, dear, and place it over the fire to boil?" she asks, raising her eyebrows encouragingly. We all knew she would ask our help sooner or later if we obeyed her order to let her help herself. I catch a glint of laughter in Asako's eyes before smiling myself.
"Of course, Mother," I answer, taking the kettle from her and making a hasty retreat from the kitchen and out the back door to the water supply we keep in a marble tub. Okichi and Koi had gone to the wells outside the city just the day before to fetch a fresh supply, so the water in the shallow tub was so clear I could see my reflection. Before plunging the kettle in, I dare a look at myself.
I see myself for a moment, my skin pale, my eyes the only sign that life is still nestled inside of me. Dear gods, what if it was true. What if--
What if I was carrying Tasuki--
My long brown hair streams over my shoulders like waterfalls, nearly soaking themselves in the water basin. I straighten just in time and throw my head back like a horse bucking its bridle. My unruly hair settles on my back again, and I hold it together with one hand as I dip the kettle in and hold it under until it's filled to the top. My image in the smooth, sparkling water disappears as soon as I draw the kettle out again.
I stare for a long moment at the rippling water that now fills the marble basin. I'm gone. And so is the thought that nearly broke into my mind. And I stand there for what seems like hours, contemplating what I couldn't have stopped myself from thinking. It could have happened so quickly, so innocently; and it could have stopped me from doing what I have to do. It seems so strange to me, that one single little word could change my entire place in this world with only a second of recognition. But why do I keep it at bay? I know that I slept with several other men during the time Tasuki and I were having our affair. But I also know my own body. I would be able to tell if something that was not welcome there had taken up residence. But although it's been only two months, nowhere near the amount of time usually needed for my condition to be discovered-I already know. I should really say that I knew. It has, after all, been pressed to the back of my mind ever since he left. And then, when we were constantly sneaking away to my room or behind the tavern, the thought never truly bothered me. I would be lying if I said I didn't actually like the idea somewhat.
I feel passive. Content. At ease. Even though I should be panicking.
And I also know my obligations as a prostitute, but that isn't going to last much longer. He's coming back soon to get me. To save me. To take me away. Why should something like this be so bad if Tasuki will be back soon?
Because he may not come back, my thoughts whisper to me menacingly.
I don't even feel my fingers going lax, releasing their hold on the kettle, allowing it to clatter to the grass-covered ground below. Even when I feel the cool water soak my bare feet and splash onto my ankles, I don't realize that I have let the kettle slip from my grasp. I hear it roll gently away from me, clanking softly against small stones and pebbles, finally coming to a halt at the base of Asako's sage bush beside the marble water basin. I don't move. I doubt if I am even breathing. But I do feel the painful pounding of my heart inside my rib cage, telling me that I'm still very much alive.
How could I? How could I dare to let that abominable thought inside my head without even a fight? I feel pathetic. Weak. How in the hell could I?
I blink my eyes furiously, jolting myself from my frozen state. In a blind rage, I stalk to the fallen kettle under the sage bush, grab it, and return to the marble tub of water near our back door. I plunge the kettle into the basin, causing the cool water to splash violently over the rim of the basin, soaking the ground around the tub even more. I don't notice. I jerk the kettle out once it has filled and stride across the water-soaked grass to the back door, where I suddenly stop as if an invisible arm has thrust itself out and wrapped its hand around my trembling shoulder.
In my prostrate stance, I am able to gather my sanity back into myself. I listen as my heart calms itself within my heaving chest, irritated with myself at my irrational reaction. Of course he will come back! He promised me he would come back. And in the few days that I knew him, not once did he break one of his many promises. Not once. Never. Why would he do it now?
"Tansho?"
Mayonaka's placid voice startles me, making me jerk just enough to allow a small splash of water to come flying from the top of the kettle. I gasp when I realize what I've done, embarrassed at all the water I have wasted even though I came out here just to get one simple kettle-full.
"Oh dear," she croons, bending to wipe the split water from the smooth wood of the back door threshold. "Let me take that, Tansho." I gratefully hand the kettle to her, then instantly bring my trembling hands up to my face. I cover my closed eyes, not wanting her to be able to see into them. To see what should be a secret. What should be safe from others. What should belong to me and Tasuki and no one else. Like when I dropped the kettle earlier, I don't even realize when I begin to weep into my palms.
I hear the gentle clink of the kettle being set on the ground at my feet, and suck in a breath of surprise as Mayonaka's frail yet comforting hands grab the light blue sleeves of my gown and pull my shaking form to my knees. She gathers me into a sudden embrace, resting my head in the curve of her neck and wrapping her short arms around my back. She strokes my hair slowly, as if it would startle me to do it hastily. And she holds me silently as I kneel in front of her, soothing me with the slow, steady beat of her heart and the soft humming of old songs from so many years ago.
Somehow, I know that she knows. I realized that she would know by a simple glance into my eyes. Her years of serving women in their times of need have created a sixth sense in her. So I had tried to hide my eyes from her, thinking that I would be able to hide myself and my secrets as well. But to no avail. She sees what I have been trying my best to become blind to. And, like no one else-not even myself-she understands.
A/N: Poor Tansho, huh? She probably hates me for putting her through so much shit. So, what's gonna happen to her and her baby? Will she really decide to keep it? Will Tasuki be returning soon? Don't you hate me for teasing you? ^_^
Replies to reviewers:
Zerianyu: I've just always thought of it as a touchy subject due to the time it spends in the media (i.e. abortion clinic bombings and the such). But I suppose it differs from person to person. And, nope!! No plot revealing!! ^_^ And, no, I suppose some people wouldn't view that last chap as sad, though I did when I was writing it. ^_~
Frenchiecangal: Yes, angst will be gone soon (promise), though defiantly not son enough. And thanks so much for your compliment on Tansho and Tokizo's conversation.
Mary: Yep, this is defiantly an epic fic, huh? ^_^
Cacat-angel: Hey there, girl! You know, your reviews always make me feel like the best damn writer in the world! ^_^ You're so specific and so detailed that I wonder if you don't analyze the entire chapter before reviewing it ^_~ Just kidding, hon. And as for the section concerning Mayonaka, I did do a bit of research on Chinese herbs and such. And although I do agree somewhat with your comment on my sudden use of the word "fuck", I was kinda aiming to use it to make people think, "Oh, yep, she might be sad, but she's still a bit on the unorthodox side". Either way, thank you for telling me your opinion, Angel. I always appreciate criticism. ^_~
Stariko-Tasuki No Miko: Yeah, hon. ^_^ No offence, but I didn't post on Father's Day because I had to work-not because I was hoping for a cruel foreshadowing affect. ^_~
Tensai-yuki: I don't mean to answer a question with a question, but why would it matter that Hotohori know about her pregnancy? I can't make the connection.
Touki Yume: Thanks for the compliments, hon! ^_^ And as for the remaining chapters of "Tansho", I'm presently working on chapter 44. And after that, I think they'll be maybe another four or five chapters to go. ^_^
Thank all of you so much for reviewing!! I love you all!! ^_~
Chapter 35
Forbidden Thoughts
None of us speak. The only sounds in the kitchen are the soft bubbling of our dumplings boiling and the calm slicing sounds of Okichi's knife as she finishes the water chestnuts and begins on a small pile of bamboo stalks. The tension in the room is hard to define. Sadness. Anxiety. Nervousness. It all seems to be tangled together in a suffocating mass of silence.
But then we hear the sound of the back door opening, and the breeze of our sighs of relief seem to echo inside the tiny tavern kitchen. The midwife never enters a residence by way of the front. It is a silent common knowledge that her business and the business of the woman inside the house are their own and no one else's. For this, the women of this city are grateful.
"Asako?" Mayonaka's soft, aged voice drifts gently into the kitchen.
"I'm here, Mother," Asako answers, leaving her dumplings to greet the elderly midwife at the back door.
The women of the capital have called Mayonaka "Mother" as long as she's practiced midwifery within its walls. She is not their mother by body, of course. But by addressing her so intimately, they feel a connection with her wise soul, something that eases their discomfort and anxiousness in the times of their distress.
Misa and Koi rise to greet the old woman as she enters the kitchen, offering embraces and kisses on the cheek that Mayonaka accepts with loving cordiality. Okichi does the same while Asako takes the aged midwife's burden from her, a heavy wicker basket that holds everything needed in her trade. I avert my eyes from it as Mayonaka approaches me, her small arms spread wide to accept me into them. I have to bend slightly to reach her height, but I still let her cradle my head on her shoulder as if I were a little girl.
Mayonaka is a woman who has managed to age with admirable grace. Her hair lost its obsidian glisten many years ago, only to be replaced with the shimmering brilliance of hair the color of snow. She wears it in two soft buns set high on her head, held in place with rare gray pearl pins. And I have always thought her gently wrinkled face to be lovely, showing deep crow's feet in the outer corners of her eyes and laugh lines along either side of her painted lips.
"My girls," she says to us, running her wrinkled hand along my arm until she is clutching my hand lovingly, "I haven't seen you for so long. I was beginning to worry for you, my dears."
"We've been fine, Mother," Okichi replies, smiling down at the petite midwife.
Mayonaka has seemed to dissipate the atmosphere of sorrow that hung in the air of the kitchen just moments before. And the scent of the jasmine incense she burns so often in her home has traveled with her along the streets of the capital to mingle with the thick scent of our cooking dumplings and rice. I see her sniff the air in a delicate manner.
"Ah, shrimp dumplings!" she announces, "Do tell me, Asako, that you remembered to cook an extra for your old Mother."
Asako smiles sweetly, showing the empty spaces in her mouth. "Of course I did."
"Well then, my dear," Mayonaka replies, taking her wicker basket from Asako's hands, "Keep an eye on those dumplings while I boil some water for the tea." Okichi immediately rushes to the back of the kitchen to fetch a tea kettle hanging above the hearth, but Mayonaka stops her before she gets very far.
"Now now, Okichi," she scolds, placing her basket on the wooden table next to the chopped bamboo stalks, "You continue on with your work and let me fix the tea on my own. I'm not so old that I need everything fetched for me!"
Okichi does as she's told and returns to her slicing. Mayonaka turns to the rest of us before we can even offer our assistance and orders us to sit on the bench where we were before she came. And, more than willing to obey our Mother, we do as we're told.
I watch intently as Mayonaka takes a small kettle from a row of hooks above the burning hearth. She carries it back to the wooden table where Koi, Misa, and I sit, sets it down, and begins to fold the long layers of her red silk sleeves under so they won't get in the way. She then turns to us and hands me the kettle.
"Would you go fill this with water, dear, and place it over the fire to boil?" she asks, raising her eyebrows encouragingly. We all knew she would ask our help sooner or later if we obeyed her order to let her help herself. I catch a glint of laughter in Asako's eyes before smiling myself.
"Of course, Mother," I answer, taking the kettle from her and making a hasty retreat from the kitchen and out the back door to the water supply we keep in a marble tub. Okichi and Koi had gone to the wells outside the city just the day before to fetch a fresh supply, so the water in the shallow tub was so clear I could see my reflection. Before plunging the kettle in, I dare a look at myself.
I see myself for a moment, my skin pale, my eyes the only sign that life is still nestled inside of me. Dear gods, what if it was true. What if--
What if I was carrying Tasuki--
My long brown hair streams over my shoulders like waterfalls, nearly soaking themselves in the water basin. I straighten just in time and throw my head back like a horse bucking its bridle. My unruly hair settles on my back again, and I hold it together with one hand as I dip the kettle in and hold it under until it's filled to the top. My image in the smooth, sparkling water disappears as soon as I draw the kettle out again.
I stare for a long moment at the rippling water that now fills the marble basin. I'm gone. And so is the thought that nearly broke into my mind. And I stand there for what seems like hours, contemplating what I couldn't have stopped myself from thinking. It could have happened so quickly, so innocently; and it could have stopped me from doing what I have to do. It seems so strange to me, that one single little word could change my entire place in this world with only a second of recognition. But why do I keep it at bay? I know that I slept with several other men during the time Tasuki and I were having our affair. But I also know my own body. I would be able to tell if something that was not welcome there had taken up residence. But although it's been only two months, nowhere near the amount of time usually needed for my condition to be discovered-I already know. I should really say that I knew. It has, after all, been pressed to the back of my mind ever since he left. And then, when we were constantly sneaking away to my room or behind the tavern, the thought never truly bothered me. I would be lying if I said I didn't actually like the idea somewhat.
I feel passive. Content. At ease. Even though I should be panicking.
And I also know my obligations as a prostitute, but that isn't going to last much longer. He's coming back soon to get me. To save me. To take me away. Why should something like this be so bad if Tasuki will be back soon?
Because he may not come back, my thoughts whisper to me menacingly.
I don't even feel my fingers going lax, releasing their hold on the kettle, allowing it to clatter to the grass-covered ground below. Even when I feel the cool water soak my bare feet and splash onto my ankles, I don't realize that I have let the kettle slip from my grasp. I hear it roll gently away from me, clanking softly against small stones and pebbles, finally coming to a halt at the base of Asako's sage bush beside the marble water basin. I don't move. I doubt if I am even breathing. But I do feel the painful pounding of my heart inside my rib cage, telling me that I'm still very much alive.
How could I? How could I dare to let that abominable thought inside my head without even a fight? I feel pathetic. Weak. How in the hell could I?
I blink my eyes furiously, jolting myself from my frozen state. In a blind rage, I stalk to the fallen kettle under the sage bush, grab it, and return to the marble tub of water near our back door. I plunge the kettle into the basin, causing the cool water to splash violently over the rim of the basin, soaking the ground around the tub even more. I don't notice. I jerk the kettle out once it has filled and stride across the water-soaked grass to the back door, where I suddenly stop as if an invisible arm has thrust itself out and wrapped its hand around my trembling shoulder.
In my prostrate stance, I am able to gather my sanity back into myself. I listen as my heart calms itself within my heaving chest, irritated with myself at my irrational reaction. Of course he will come back! He promised me he would come back. And in the few days that I knew him, not once did he break one of his many promises. Not once. Never. Why would he do it now?
"Tansho?"
Mayonaka's placid voice startles me, making me jerk just enough to allow a small splash of water to come flying from the top of the kettle. I gasp when I realize what I've done, embarrassed at all the water I have wasted even though I came out here just to get one simple kettle-full.
"Oh dear," she croons, bending to wipe the split water from the smooth wood of the back door threshold. "Let me take that, Tansho." I gratefully hand the kettle to her, then instantly bring my trembling hands up to my face. I cover my closed eyes, not wanting her to be able to see into them. To see what should be a secret. What should be safe from others. What should belong to me and Tasuki and no one else. Like when I dropped the kettle earlier, I don't even realize when I begin to weep into my palms.
I hear the gentle clink of the kettle being set on the ground at my feet, and suck in a breath of surprise as Mayonaka's frail yet comforting hands grab the light blue sleeves of my gown and pull my shaking form to my knees. She gathers me into a sudden embrace, resting my head in the curve of her neck and wrapping her short arms around my back. She strokes my hair slowly, as if it would startle me to do it hastily. And she holds me silently as I kneel in front of her, soothing me with the slow, steady beat of her heart and the soft humming of old songs from so many years ago.
Somehow, I know that she knows. I realized that she would know by a simple glance into my eyes. Her years of serving women in their times of need have created a sixth sense in her. So I had tried to hide my eyes from her, thinking that I would be able to hide myself and my secrets as well. But to no avail. She sees what I have been trying my best to become blind to. And, like no one else-not even myself-she understands.
A/N: Poor Tansho, huh? She probably hates me for putting her through so much shit. So, what's gonna happen to her and her baby? Will she really decide to keep it? Will Tasuki be returning soon? Don't you hate me for teasing you? ^_^
Replies to reviewers:
Zerianyu: I've just always thought of it as a touchy subject due to the time it spends in the media (i.e. abortion clinic bombings and the such). But I suppose it differs from person to person. And, nope!! No plot revealing!! ^_^ And, no, I suppose some people wouldn't view that last chap as sad, though I did when I was writing it. ^_~
Frenchiecangal: Yes, angst will be gone soon (promise), though defiantly not son enough. And thanks so much for your compliment on Tansho and Tokizo's conversation.
Mary: Yep, this is defiantly an epic fic, huh? ^_^
Cacat-angel: Hey there, girl! You know, your reviews always make me feel like the best damn writer in the world! ^_^ You're so specific and so detailed that I wonder if you don't analyze the entire chapter before reviewing it ^_~ Just kidding, hon. And as for the section concerning Mayonaka, I did do a bit of research on Chinese herbs and such. And although I do agree somewhat with your comment on my sudden use of the word "fuck", I was kinda aiming to use it to make people think, "Oh, yep, she might be sad, but she's still a bit on the unorthodox side". Either way, thank you for telling me your opinion, Angel. I always appreciate criticism. ^_~
Stariko-Tasuki No Miko: Yeah, hon. ^_^ No offence, but I didn't post on Father's Day because I had to work-not because I was hoping for a cruel foreshadowing affect. ^_~
Tensai-yuki: I don't mean to answer a question with a question, but why would it matter that Hotohori know about her pregnancy? I can't make the connection.
Touki Yume: Thanks for the compliments, hon! ^_^ And as for the remaining chapters of "Tansho", I'm presently working on chapter 44. And after that, I think they'll be maybe another four or five chapters to go. ^_^
Thank all of you so much for reviewing!! I love you all!! ^_~