Chapter 36: Big Girls Don't Cry/Personal (Fergie)

The door cracked open and in walked the last fucking person I had ever expected.

"Azimio?"

It took me a moment to register that this wasn't just some dream.

Azimio stood at my door and patiently waited for me to regain my composure before making any sudden movements.

I had been completely laid out under the covers before he came but now I was on high alert.

He was gentleman, despite what people might believe.

Then again, I was McKinley royalty.

I sat up straight and pulled the covers over me.

Even feeling like crap, I still care about my appearance so I was glad that I had thought to at least comb my hair and put on actual clothes today.

"You can come in." I said waving him towards the recliner.

He closed the door behind him and then leaned against the counter that separated the entry way and the kitchen before deciding to come further into the living room.

"Hey Santana, nice place."

"Thanks...it's a mess but it's home."

He smiled and then looked at me with concern.

"How are you feeling?"

"Like crap…but you know, I'm getting used to it."

I smiled and waited a second for him to sit down before I asked as politely as I could.

He seemed nervous as he sat across from me and rubbed his hands against his jeans.

"Why are you here?"

"To see you."

"Obviously."

"Yea."

"So what specifically brings you to see me?"

"You're pregnant."

"Yes, I'm aware."

"It's not mine." He said, forehead all wrinkled in concentration.

I was trying to be patient because it seemed like it took a lot for him to be sitting here right now but my patience was notoriously thin.

"Okay...I wasn't planning on hassling you about it either way. I have no plans to bother anyone as a matter of fact. I'm prepared to do this alone."

"Seriously?"

"Yea, pretty much."

"Oh, well, it wasn't about responsibility because I would step up."

"Yea...is that why you are so quick to deny the kid?"

"No, I just wanted to let you know that I'm sure that it isn't mine." He said reiterating his previous statement.

"Ok, that's great, Merry Christmas to me. Look Z, I really don't want to go into the semantics of what happened. I honestly don't remember a thing about that night...I didn't even know who the hell Ian Perkins was until I heard about what happened. Since you are so sure...Care to shed some light?"

"Um...yea."

"Okay...go for it."

"Well you gave me a blow job...that's it. I was too drunk to last much more than that." He said, actually blushing. "It was Perkins that went all the way with you. I just thought that you should know."

"Oh...so you lied about fucking me?"

He nodded, looking ashamed.

But I was relieved...even if it was nauseating.

As I sat there, I felt even grosser then before.

And I could feel the tears burning the rims of my eyes but I couldn't cry in front of him.

His honesty had been refreshing but it still hurt.

I sat there for a second just staring off trying to remember even a little bit of that night but nothing was coming back to me.

Fuck, I was such an idiot.

I finally looked his way and noticed that he had been looking at me with kind eyes and a small smile.

Not a common thing, unless he had a frosty beverage.

"Well, Z, thank you for clearing that up for me." I sighed.

He stood up looking like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders and then he reached into his pocket and handed me a wrapped gift.

"I brought this for you."

I looked at him in shock took the gift.

"Cushioning the blow?"

He laughed and shook his head as he shoved his hands in his pockets.

"My mom had me her senior year in high school and when I told her about the baby and how it wasn't mine, she told me to be honest with you. That you would appreciate it, even if you were mad. Truth is that I've had a crush on you since you first transferred to public school. I wouldn't have minded so much if that was my kid. I told her that and she said that you could use all the friends that you could get and it may not be mine but I'm still here if you need me. My mom wanted to wish you luck. I just want to give you this before I go, Merry Christmas Santana. "

I had tears in my eyes as he leaned over and dropped a kiss on the top of my head.

How had I never seen this side of him before?

I held my arms out and he softly hugged me for a moment before standing up again.

There was always a longing in me to get hugs from guys that didn't want to beat me to a pulp.

And in that moment, his hug healed some of my hurt.

He wiped his eyes and cleared his throat as he stood back up, obviously getting a little choked up.

"Thanks Z. You have no idea how much this means to me. Merry Christmas."

He smiled down at me and then left quickly and quietly.

I held the gift in my hands and then smiled to myself.

That crazy encounter had just assured me that there are still decent guys out there.

I had to make sure that I thanked him again when I saw him back at school.

I was broken from my reverie as Rachel came bursting through the door like she was running from someone.

She shut the door behind her and locked it.

I laughed to myself as she looked at me somewhat stricken,

"Santana, was that just Azimio Adams that I saw coming out of here?" she asked as she put down a large grocery bag on the counter. I nodded and smiled at her. She was gulping down deep breaths as she began to peel off her coat and scarf. "Oh my goodness, its a million degrees in here! Are you cold? You must be. Thank goodness I had the presence of mind to wear layers!"

I allowed her to continue rambling as I looked down at the gift in my hands, turning it over and over again trying to examine the package from every angle.

After the way I was most days at school, I was just so amazed that he had thought of me.

I was so focused on the package that I hadn't been listening to Rachel and she noticed.

She snapped her fingers in front of my eyes, immediately annoying me and making me wonder why I had even invited her over.

I looked up at her and scrunched my face.

"What is it Rachel?" she grabbed the gift from my hand and shoved an open tin full of cookies at me, ahh that's why she's here!

"Did he give this to you?"

"You know, Berry I didn't invite you over here so you could harass me and take my presents!" I snapped at her while attempting to snatch the gift back but she pulled it out of my reach and let out a heavy sigh as she plopped down in my recliner.

I shrugged my shoulders as I picked up a cookie and allowed it to melt in my mouth.

It was like heaven!

I looked back at her and noticed that she looked annoyed as she examined the wrapping paper.

Her eyebrows were all bunched together and she was avoiding my eyes.

"Why did you invite me over here then? I mean other than for the cookies."

"I just don't want to be alone, okay? And please don't make me regret calling you or telling you that by saying something vapid or over the top."

She smirked to herself and then sighed obviously holding back a long speech.

"I'm just glad that you called."

She smiled to herself again and then got up from the chair, handing the gift back to me in the process.

I placed it beside me and went back to scarfing down the cookies.

She headed back to the kitchen and began unloading the grocery bag.

"So what's in the bag?" I asked her, trying to see from where I sat, as I spoke to her and ate another cookie at the same time.

She smiled at me wickedly before holding up a few DVDs.

"I brought some bad reality show DVDs that Quinn left at my house and I also brought various things to snack on while we lounge around like sloths. Oh and I have your Christmas gift from Quinn."

"I thought you two weren't speaking."

"We weren't but then I called her to see if she wanted to come over here with me and she turned me down but then asked me to bring you this."

Rachel put a gift bag on the floor by my little tree and then flounced back to the kitchen.

We sat through a few episodes of the Jersey Shore and I had managed to polish off all the cookies before I finally felt like I wasn't so alone anymore.

I was grateful for Rachel visiting and keeping me company.

Because of her, I was feeling a little less depressed and much more relaxed.

I had fallen asleep at some point during the second DVD, curled up facing the back of the couch, with my cast propped up on my side.

As I was waking up I could hear Rachel talking to someone at my front door and she was trying her hardest to whisper but she wasn't the very best at it.

I didn't want to move so I just listened hoping that she could get whoever it was to go away, for a moment I thought it could be Marco but then I heard Quinn's frustrated voice arguing back at Rachel.

"I thought you weren't coming?"

"I wanted to see her, let me in."

"I don't know Quinn, maybe you were right about not coming, she is finally content and I would like to keep her that way. You should go while she is still asleep."

"Move out of my way Rachel."

I could practically hear Quinn gritting her teeth and it made me smile to myself, knowing that she wanted to see me so badly.

"No."

"If you don't move out of my way, I will make you." She threatened.

"What are you going to do slap me, again?"

The argument was becoming a little too heated for my taste so I decided to "wake up".

I pulled myself up to a seated position and readjusted my comforter around me and then cleared my throat.

"Let her in Rachel." I said trying my best to sound nice.

"Yes let me in Rachel." Quinn said pushing on the door and storming past her flustered girlfriend.

Quinn immediately came over to me, pushed the covers out of her way and then plopped down next to me grabbing my ankles and placing them on her lap.

Once I readjusted my cast to rest on a pillow in my lap, I smiled at her.

She nodded her head and then I just sat there as she began rubbing my ankles and feet.

I was sore all over but this seemed to be helping to relieve at least a little bit of the pain.

When I looked up, I saw that Rachel had taken our mess into the kitchen and was cleaning while muttering to herself angrily.

The place had been a mess and so I knew that before long, she wouldn't be able to resist cleaning.

"So how are you San?" Quinn asked me as she worked on a knot just above my ankle and I closed my eyes suddenly getting drowsy.

"Oh God, I am so very confused at the moment." I said forcing myself to keep my eyes open.

"Me too. I just talked to Britt and she tells me that you are ignoring her phone calls and messages. Don't you want to fix this?"

"Q, I'm in a really good mood right now, please don't ruin it with your interrogations about my EX-girlfriend."

"It was a simple question."

"Yes and it was a simple response. I don't want to talk about it, I don't want to talk to her right now."

"Well, in that case I'm leaving." She said as she pushed my feet off her lap and stood up.

"What? Why?" I asked, crossing my arms over my chest ready to tell her off.

"Because Santana, Brittany is sitting out in my car waiting for me to give her the signal that it is okay for her to come up."

So Quinn was angry because she wanted to talk me into seeing Britt not because she wanted to see me so badly.

I was pissed off and hurt.

So I lashed out.

"Well, you're right, I guess you should leave then and take Rachel with you!"

I stood up from the couch and stormed to my bedroom, slamming the door in the process.

There goes my mellow mood!

I sat on the floor against my couch later that night, listening to the local radio station playing endless Christmas music.

There were tears dripping down my face as I hummed along and I stared at my miniature tree.

I had somehow managed to alienate myself from my family and friends and so now as a result I sat here all alone.

It was almost midnight, almost Christmas and in this moment, I missed Britt more than anything.

Had I been too rash?

I should have let her come up earlier and then maybe I could have convinced her to stay the night

But then I remembered that I was in the friend zone again and I knew that wouldn't be enough for me.

"Merry Christmas baby. God willing you and I will be celebrating together next year in New York City!"

As the clock struck midnight, I decided to open up my presents and get them out of the way.

This would be as much as I would do for the holiday, since I had every intention of sleeping all day on Christmas.

I had three gifts in total so this wasn't going to take very long.

My body protested as I pulled the bag from Quinn into my lap.

I hadn't expected her to still get me a gift but lately a lot has been unexpected for me.

Inside the bag there was a box that was covered in gorgeous red glitter wrapping and had black and white ribbons around it.

There was a little note card that read, Once a Cheerio, Always a Cheerio.

I smiled and then peeled off the wrapping.

There was a card on top of the box.

I opened it and it was blank except for a note from Q.

S-
As far as parents go ours are a pretty messed up a bunch. So, I got you this journal so that you can document this year. This is a crazy time for you but it can serve as inspiration for you down the road. In those moments where a tough parenting decision has you doubting yourself it may serve to strengthen your resolve. I'm proud of you for what you are doing. I love you always sis!
-Q

The journal was gorgeous.

It was leather bound and had my initials monogrammed on the cover.

I lifted the book to my nose and took a long hard sniff.

Most people wouldn't know this, but I have always secretly loved the smell of paper and leather.

I knew that I was smiling as I slipped everything back into the box and pushed it to the side.

My second gift was from Mami, I already knew what it was because I had picked it out myself.

When I was at her house over Thanksgiving, I had fallen asleep using Sandra's pregnancy pillow and had been very vocal about wanting one.

My mom had attempted to surprise me with it but I had seen the shape and size and knew immediately what it was.

So she made me promise to wait for Christmas.

I couldn't wait to try it out tonight.

Finally there was my last present.

It made me feel so amazing that Azimio went out of his way to think of me.

I opened the box and found two things.

A note and a book.

The book was written by Alicia Adams and the title made me smile, I opened the note.

Santana,

My mom is my biggest inspiration. She taught me early on, that life is what you make it. When she was told to get an abortion or to give up her baby because it would ruin her life, that I would ruin her life. She wouldn't back down. Now she is a bestselling author and a pretty successful businesswoman. She also is a really good mom to me and my brothers. You remind me of her in many ways so I know that you are going to be AMAZING. This is her first book. I hope it helps you see that this life you are creating will be the drive behind you in those tough moments where you want to give in. I am here to help if you need me. Remember that this is not an end but a beginning.

Merry Christmas

-Z

I put the letter down and looked back at the book. "The Rebels' Guide to Surviving Pregnancy".

That name had me written all over it.

I would make sure to read every page and take notes.

All I wanted was to hug Azimio again, the gift was a sweet gesture, that was very much appreciated by me.

I ran a hand over my growing belly and contentment settled over me for a moment.

"We are going to be okay baby! Mami loves you!"

As I climbed into bed that night and took off my sling, I finally felt comfortable and at peace.

I kept a firm hand on my baby bump and fell asleep talking to my newest love.

True to my word, I spent all of Christmas locked in up my apartment.

And I was glad that my mom had to decided that her yearly Christmas trip to Puerto Rico shouldn't be cancelled.

I had always coveted the idea of my own space but now that I had it and had alienated everyone in my life, I felt worse.

I was depressed and alone.

It was my childhood all over again.

Depression had a firm hold on me.

I hadn't showered in days, I had turned my phone off and had barely eaten a thing.

Plus, I was too stubborn to suck up my pride and talk to B about us and I was too ashamed to talk to Q.

Sadly, I knew that this baby was the only thing keeping me from the drugs and alcohol which scared me, I wouldn't be pregnant forever.

I rubbed my stomach as much as I could and just talked to the baby hoping that somehow it would make me feel better.

My whole world sucked and I was falling apart at the seams, my self-destructive behavior was just on the edge of my vision.

Dripping out endless tears, I laid staring out the window, mind in the distance with only tears to soothe the cracks in my armor.

I felt bitter and helpless and it was my own damn fault.