A/N: Sorry I didn't update yesterday. Worked a 14 hour day and then nearly smashed my Kindle Fire trying to watch the live stream of the movie premier. Stupid thing wouldn't work. I was so pissed. Another 14 hour day today and yet another tomorrow. Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I do not own the Hunger Games.
Chapter 36
That night, Peeta sleeps in my bedroom with me. We're both sad at the thought of my going to District Four but I think we need to take a breather. The truth is, Peeta and I got together under some very strenuous circumstances. It's not like we just saw each other at school and started flirting with each other. We weren't Chemistry partners or did any big History projects together. Up until Peeta tossed me the bread that night, I hadn't even paid much attention to him. I had no way of knowing he liked me. He never even uttered any kind of greeting to me.
Fate just really intervened the day of the Reaping. The fact that he was in love with me just escalated our angle in the games. I had no way of knowing anything was truly real until the cave. At that point, I was still trying to get out of the Games alive and from that point, get Peeta out with me somehow. With everything that happened in the Quell, it just magnified the situation. We were married, intimate, in love by then. Then he was hijacked and the Rebellion took over. Always an issue needing attention and keeping us apart.
Now that we've made it this far, it's really just my insecurities in the way. I won't lie about it. That's what it is. I am in a constant state of fear about everything in my life, the sole focus really being Peeta. I am terrified of constantly putting myself out there and getting hurt. I haven't witnessed him coping with an episode, just being full fledged into one. I think he could have used more therapy with Dr. Aurelis. Peeta was in such a hurry to return to me that he probably skipped a couple of steps and made some promises to get here. I on the other hand, never put what I should have into my own personal therapy with Dr. Aurelis. If I had, I would also be in a better place.
Which is why I have to make an adult decision now and just deal with this. Away from Peeta. We need to get our shit together so we can get on with our lives, once and for all. I need to figure out who I really am and what I want to be, what I want to do. It's time to grow up. I can't hide in this house forever and pretend like it's okay. What would I even do with myself when Peeta's bakery opens? That's a very good question. I need to grow as a person. A healthy, confident woman. Not a coward.
I stay up all night just watching him. He stays up too. We don't talk. We just lay facing each other under the blanket, holding hands. Rubbing our fingers together. Not a single word spoken verbally all night.
Peeta POV
Putting Katniss on that train was one of the hardest things that I ever had to do. I had to keep constantly reassuring myself that I wasn't losing her. That she was going off to get help. Help that she desperately needed to get on with her life emotionally and psychologically. I also had to remind myself, repeatedly, that this was the time for me to get some more sessions in with Dr. Aurelis when I could and try to work through my episodes in a different fashion. Being so verbal during them was really turning my life upside down. Even though Katniss knew I wasn't in control, the words still cut her like a knife. I also needed to get my bakery up and running as well. I had plenty of positive things to focus on. Things that would only improve our quality of life.
When it was time for her to finally board the train, she grabbed onto me and I swear I almost didn't let her go. I pulled her face to mine, holding it with both hands. My thumbs rubbing across her tear streaked cheeks. When the conductor called for the last time, she pulled her lips from mine and I almost grabbed her and threw her over my shoulder. I would have carried her back to the house kicking and screaming if need be. But deep down, I know she's right. A person cannot be in a relationship unless they can give it their all. There's parts of both of us missing. We've got to piece some of that puzzle together before we can give ourselves over completely to our relationship.
I walk her to the entrance of the train and kiss her again. She steps up onto the landing and I feel my breath catch. This is it. I can't delay it anymore. The train whistles and we look at each other again. She leans in and kisses me again. She has her hands on my face now. Her finger rubbing against my two day stubble. The conductor looks at me and nods. It's finally time. I hold her hand and step off the train. It starts to move and our hands unlock. Her eyes don't leave mine. I run my hands through my hair. I feel like pulling it out. I can't believe she's on that train and I'm just letting it pull away from me.
This whole thing is so fucked up.
The train begins to grind and I'm in panic now. There's no way I could chase it or stop it. I walk along the side looking for her. It starts to move now and I catch a glimpse of Katniss with her hand on the window. She starts running towards the rear of the train. I'm frozen to the spot. The speed picks up and in a moment, she's at the back door, her right hand placed on the window, begging for mine. I hold out my left hand, as if meeting hers there. The distance between us getting bigger and bigger by the second.
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It's been nearly six months since Katniss left. I haven't seen her. Not even a picture. We talk every other night on the phone. Playing games of real or not real, catching up on what the other has done in between. We don't talk about our therapy much. We agreed in the beginning that we would finally let the doctors decide when we were well enough to be together. Dr. Aurelis and Dr. Collins, Katniss' new doctor, communicate after every session to discuss us and our progress/setbacks. Katniss and I came to an agreement early on that we would abide by whatever they said, for both our sakes.
Still, I'm incredibly lonely without her and so is Haymitch. The bakery has been open for quite some time now and Haymitch even helps me out there a couple of days a week. He rings the register and fills orders for me. Came up with an excellent rum bread recipe too. It's turning into a big seller too. District Twelve is being reborn. People are returning, rebuilding and staying. It's given Haymitch and I something to do, helping out with rebuilding. The Justice Building just reopened and Delly Cartwright returned to Twelve to take the helm. Thom was elected Mayor. I think he has a thing for Delly anyway. I guess it works out, both of them being in the same building together.
Delly had asked me for several of my paintings to hang in the newly constructed buildings. I gave her several of the non-terrifying ones and even painted a few others representing District Twelve. One of my favorites is of two hands, holding night lock berries in their palms, dandelions below them on the ground. It represents the spark we gave the Rebellion, the hope that we had for each other, the hope that we have that Twelve can continue to rebuild and fulfill its dreams of a better life.
One night I can't sleep at all. She's all I can think about. I toss and turn to no avail. It's two o'clock in the morning but I need to speak to her. To make sure she's safe. To hear her voice and have it sooth me like nothing else can. I finally give into my emotions and roll over to grab the receiver. The phone rings when my hand is mid stride. I pick it up, startled and say "Katniss?" She swallows her tears.
"Yes Peeta. I'm so sorry if I woke you. I couldn't sleep. I just kept thinking about you. I really miss you." she says.
I breath easier now. "I miss you too. I was just rolling over to call you. Great minds think alike."
She sighs and agrees with me. "What do we do now? I don't have much to say. I just wanted to hear your voice, hear you breathe."
I laugh. "Me too. How about we just try to sleep with each other on the phone? I know it sounds stupid but it's as close to you as I can get right now."
"Sounds wonderful Peeta. Good night." she says. "Night, Katniss." I say.
Morning comes and I realize we are still on the phone with each other. I wake her up to say goodbye because I have to get to the bakery. I have a lot of orders to fill. No getting out early for me today. I tell Katniss how much I miss her before hanging up. I rush out of bed, throw my clothes on and trek to the bakery. It's going to be a long day.