Chapter 35

SPOV

When I woke Ranger was still beside me, wrapped around me, watching me.

"When did you get back from being in the wind?"

"Two weeks after I left I came home to absolute chaos. I think half the men thought I would kill someone"

"You didn't did you?"

"No, but we had some good sessions on the mats"

"I need to get up, my muscles are stiff"

I went into the bathroom and while washing my hands looked at my reflection in the mirror. I knew it was me; Stephanie Plum, but my face was still pale and I did look as if I'd lost weight. I think I could remember most things about my life but there were still some events that were sneaking up on me, some good but some bad, and it was the bad ones that had me hyperventilating, scared even though they were in the past. I think it was those that had me feeling on edge, as though a memory could really affect me in the here and now. As I finished Ranger shouted through the door.

"Babe you have a visitor downstairs asking to speak with you"

"Who?"

"Morelli"

"But how did he know I was even here?"

"Maybe your mother told him. I let your father know we were back last night and that you were here"

I could hear a change in how Ranger was addressing me, oh god no, please don't let him send me away with Morelli. That was a memory that was so vivid and I'm sure I had finished with Morelli for good, hadn't I? Or did Ranger, like everyone else, just assume that we'd get back together? I quickly dressed into jeans and a sweater, slipping trainers onto my feet and then went into the kitchen to find Ranger; he was stood lent against the worktop, his blank face firmly in place.

"Babe?"

That word had me feeling nervous and I so wanted someone with me, for some reason the thought of being with Morelli frightened me.

"Would you stay with me?"

"When you talk with Morelli?"

"Yes"

"If that's what you want"

As we walked toward the lift Ranger used his phone, probably telling reception where to have Morelli meet with me. He didn't touch me and I so missed the touch of his hand on me. I really didn't want to do this but for some reason knew that I had to, Ranger had to know that he couldn't send me back to Morelli and I needed to have the strength to face Morelli, at least I had the advantage of where we were meeting.

When the door opened my hands were sweating and my heart was racing, Ranger's hand on my back gave me some courage but for some reason I couldn't stand tall, couldn't find that Italian part of me to use my anger. The room was one of the conference rooms used for meeting with clients so was large and spacious, as I entered I saw Morelli stood at the far end looking out of the window, Ranger stayed by the door watching us both. I walked half way down the room and then stopped, picturing his face I saw a scene in a gym and did he handcuff me naked to my shower rail? There was a small house where I'd stayed with him and then arguments between us, him shouting at me and saying it was my fault because I couldn't do my job. That wasn't it though, for some reason I was feeling really uneasy, I didn't want to be here. Taking a deep breath I spoke out.

"Joe, what do you want?"

He turned taking in my appearance, yeah I looked pale and had lost weight. His facial expression changed and suddenly he was walking toward me.

"What the hell troubles have you got yourself into now?"

"I haven't Joe"

"Then why are you here?"

"I've just got back and needed somewhere safe to be"

"Yeah right"

"Joe what do you want?"

"To talk to you"

"There's nothing to talk about Joe"

"Well I think there is"

His face was turning red and the pulse on his neck was throbbing, but it was seeing his hands clenched into fists that had me backing away. He continued toward me, his eyes looking at me with an avarice look to them and suddenly my world tilted and all I could see was his face as it had been all those years ago, a face that said I get what I want and I want you, a voice that was telling me what he thought should happen, the humiliation as he pulled me to the floor and yanked my panties to the side and then the pain as he forced himself inside me. Why was this suddenly coming into my head? Why did I have to remember this? Was it a side effect from the drug withdrawal to remember all the things I'd tried to lock up safely in my land of denial?

"No, stay away from me"

I know tears were running down my face as I repeated the same words I'd said to him in the Tasty Pastry.

"Christ Cupcake do you think I would hurt you?"

"You already have"

"What, no I haven't"

"When I was fifteen you hurt me"

I was trembling so badly I fell to the floor and curled up into a ball, shaking and rocking as the vivid memory that I'd tried so hard to forget came rushing into my head. I was back there again reliving the whole sordid scene.

"Get away from me, go away; please don't hurt me"

I was aware of the sound of scuffling going on around me and then I felt the arms that were the only ones that could comfort me, yes he could chase away my demons.

"Babe, I'm here for you, please let me help you"

I turned into him and suddenly the tears became full on sobs, why did I allow Morelli to hurt me, not only physically but also through the words he wrote and that horrible name he called me. Why did I let him back into my life, was I so gullible that I thought he'd changed, so stupid to have repressed the whole thing? Or maybe I felt that he would be the only man who would accept me after what he'd done to me. I felt myself being lifted and carried, and felt the motion of the lift and the opening and closing of doors. It was the feeling of safety that enveloped me, the smell so unique to Ranger; that had me slowly coming out of the haze that threatened to consume me. I felt the softness of the bed beneath me and the comfort of the sheets being pulled up to cover me but it was the arms and body next to me that finally broke through the barrier that I was trying to rebuild in my mind.

"Babe, talk to me"

"He, he. Oh god it was so long ago"

"What did he do?"

"He, he came for me"

"When Babe"

"I was on my own, I couldn't do anything"

"Babe what happened?"

"He was suddenly there and I couldn't stop him"

"Babe what did he do?"

"He forced me, but I didn't want to"

"What did he force you to do?"

"Have sex with him"

"Morelli?"

"Yes"

"Tell me about it"

Did I want to talk about it? Not really, but before now I had never remembered exactly what had happened. I knew something bad had happened but when my mother kept constantly shouting at me and saying it was my own fault the memory seemed to shrink and disappear leaving an echo of the event. For some reason I only visualized Morelli being there and even though I knew we had sex I couldn't remember any of the details only that it hurt and I didn't really like it. Maybe by talking about it I wouldn't feel so scared? Ranger was still holding me, but my face was on his chest I tried to calm myself but just ended up crying more, hell I was a mess. Through tears running down my face and with my eyes closed so that I wouldn't have to see the revulsion for me on his face I began to recount my memory to Ranger.

"I was fifteen and had a job at the Tasty Pastry, the manger had left and I was cleaning up the display area when Morelli came in. He turned the sign to closed and then said he was there to buy some cannelloni for his mother but that he could see other things that he wanted. I didn't know what was happening, I was so naïve, then I was suddenly on the floor and he had his hands all over me, I tried to fight back, to ask him to leave me alone but then he had his fingers inside me and then, then he raped me"

Tears were flowing down my face as I told what my mind was seeing, arms wrapped around me as if to ward off the horror of what I was recalling.