The second that she read the word on the key, she knew her luck was changing. She was proud of herself for not running all the way down the street and keeping her excitement contained enough that people didn't throw odd glances at her, but finally she stepped up to the white doors with strange paper covering the windows and fit the key into the lock. Her breath caught in her lungs as she swung them open and she breathed in that wonderfully familiar smell of old paper.
Books!
Smiling, she looked around the front room, taking it all in! Strange, large steel doors, a big wooden desk with the words "circulation desk" written on the front in silver, wide columns that seemed to go on forever, and all around her books and nothing but books! It needed a good dusting, the windows would need to be uncovered and cleaned, but it was nothing that a little bit of hard work couldn't do, and she had plenty of experience with cleaning. Everyone in Storybrooke seemed to have a place they belonged, if she couldn't belong with him, this would have to be the next best thing. She would make it her own, by the time she was ready to open it up to the world it would never be recognizable-
"We shall sit in our library...and yet be in all quarters of the world." She stilled at the sudden, but familiar voice echoing through the shelves. It didn't frighten her...he never could.
Still he took her breath away when he stepped out from between the bookshelves, as silently and mysteriously as he used to. How long it would take before her heart would stop skipping a beat every time she heard or saw him? How long until she lost the urge to run to him? Instinct told her to go to him. Between the difficult night she'd had and the naturally strong pull of true love screaming at her, she wanted desperately to move forward, wrap her arms around him as she cried, and never let go.
She had to remind herself to stay put, the time for that was over.
"You gave me the key?" she asked with eye brows raised. She should have guessed, a gift of books was not a new trick for him.
"I heard you were interested and I, uh..." he shrugged, "I made some inquiries."
She stopped in her tracks and stared down at the key in her hand with sorrow. She didn't want to take it, not like this. She wanted it, but not if it was going to be used as bribery, like he had admitted the other one had been. "Your library was given to make me feel better," she recalled him saying "but when I gave it to you and knew you saw me as more than I saw myself, I realized it was more than that. I had an unexplainable urge to make you happy." It wouldn't work this time. She wouldn't take it to ease his guilt, and it wasn't what would make her happy. There was only one thing that could do both. And she knew that he would never give it.
"There's an apartment for the caretaker if you want it," he added.
"If this is some way to win me back, after everything you've-"
"That's...that's not why I'm here," he winced at her words and cut her off with a wave of his hand. She opened her mouth to say something, shaking her head as she tried to find the right words in the mess of emotions running through her. She was confused about why else he would come but then remembered that she wasn't supposed to care anymore. It was too soon to be seeing him again, especially after everything that had happened. He needed to leave, this was going to be hard enough for both of them and there was no need to make it any worse.
But instead of leaving, she watched as he walked slowly towards her, closer to her. "I came because...your right," she was glad when he stopped walking, she didn't think she could handle it if he got any closer, she didn't think he could either. The look on his face held so much more pain than she'd ever seen but she couldn't find the words to tell him to stop talking though. "About me..." he paused and she brought herself back to what he was saying. She was right? Well, she knew she'd been right, but about which time was he referring to?
"I am a coward." The words sent her reeling. He said it like he'd never admitted it before and the words made him look almost smaller somehow, weaker, but behind that there was also relief, like they freed him, too. Maybe they did. The truth had that effect on people. "I have been my entire life," he continued with a false smile. She had to swallow to keep herself from frowning at the turmoil she could see taking place inside him, but she wouldn't give in. She wouldn't! Would she?
"I tried to make up for it by collecting power," he went on, looking as though he might cry, but somehow managing to contain the emotion. "The power became so important, that I couldn't let go. Not even...when that meant losing the most important person in my life." He wasn't looking at her any more, he was looking through her, focusing on a memory that she couldn't rescue him from. She wasn't so arrogant to think that she was the most important person in his life, she'd known who that was ever since she'd found the clothing stowed away in the castle and he'd admitted to her that he had a family. It was only natural.
So she took a deep breath and nodded with understanding finishing the tale for him, "Your son." The words brought him back to the world she was in and he looked at her like he'd forgotten she was there for a moment. It was supposed to be a somber moment but she had to fight to hold back a had finally told her what happened to his son. All the time they'd had together, all the secrecy and evasion, the lies, and now she finally had answers. Truthful ones. He looked shocked for a moment then glanced at the floor, as if he was contemplating something in his head.
"Baelfire..." his breath caught in his throat and came out too fast, as awkward and loud as the name he just shared. He said it like it was the hardest thing to say in the world to say, harder even than admitting he was a coward. Maybe it was, but when he looked back up at her he was wearing a smirk, and it was the closest thing she'd ever seen to a proud fatherly smile, "is his name." She couldn't help but feel her lips begin to curve in a smile with him. A sudden feeling of hope and amazement replacing the anger that she felt earlier. She had answers...and a name. "After he left I dedicated myself to finding him," he continued, "I went down many, many paths until I found a curse that could take me to the land that he'd escaped."
Her nerves gathered in her chest and she gave a little snort as suddenly things fell easily into place. Now she knew why he'd had that book in the castle all those years ago, why he'd always stated the boy was "lost" but not dead, now she knew where the Evil Queen got the idea for this curse from. She really shouldn't have been surprised. "Here," she muttered, startled that she hadn't realized it before now. The look on his face was confirmation enough. The Queen wasn't capable of inventing a curse this grandiose, not like he was. She should have seen it coming.
"And now I find myself in this little town..." he said, looking around the library as if he could see through the walls to the town...his prison. He didn't need to say the words, now she knew why he'd been so upset that he couldn't leave. "With only one thing left to do...wait for the curse to be broken, so that I can leave, and find him," he finally said with confidence but also hesitation.
She could feel happiness stirring inside of her all over again as she realized that in all the years he'd lived, he had probably never told this information to another soul. And he'd certainly never given away his master plans to anyone else in his life, if only because he'd never had anyone else in his life to give them to. He had finally taken off his mask. It hadn't slipped, she hadn't pried it away when he wasn't looking; he'd taken it off himself, willingly exposing himself to her in a way he'd never done before. He'd let her in, he'd been honest with her! And that was probably the bravest thing she had ever seen him do in their short time together.
But there was still one thing missing, the question she had asked yesterday morning was still unanswered and it didn't have an effect on anything that had happened since he got to this land, since that moment she got her memories back. And she still wanted an explanation! "But instead of looking for him you...you brought magic!" she accused. No sooner had the curse been broken and he'd brought magic, he hadn't even known he couldn't cross the town line and he hadn't gone looking for his son, he'd gone straight for the well! He had gone back to magic the first moment he could! Because-
"Because I'm still a coward," he insisted more confidently this time, like he was finally embracing what he'd been running from all along, like it made complete sense. And she supposed in a way it did. It wasn't an excuse, it was a reason, and it didn't make it better, but it explained a lot. He looked away from her, too ashamed to meet her gaze and that very fact was making it harder by the moment for her to stay away from him. "Magic has become a crutch," he added, finally looking up to face her, "that I can't walk without. And even if I could, I now know I could never leave this place."
She released another breath knowing that if she didn't do something now, she'd give in. Her heart was already telling her that it was okay to go to him and give comfort but her head was telling her that she couldn't yet, that it was too soon. She glanced at the bookshelf, it was closer, but it wasn't complete surrender. He'd taken a step forward and so would she.
"Because anyone who leaves forgets the people they love," she muttered aloud as she leaned against the hard bookshelf, not willing to let herself get any closer but still meeting his eyes, she wouldn't relinquish her hold on them. She understood now, and it was just as sad a tale as she always thought it would be, maybe even worse. It all made sense. Every last bit of it. "So when you go to look for Baelfire..." she had to take another deep breath to get control of her own emotions, "you won't know him."
Her control failed and her voice broke on the last word. His sadness was magnifying her own. It was the power and pull of true love, a bond, a connection, that still existed, that would always exist no matter where she lived or how far apart they were. She wished that he had told her, then, yesterday morning, that night at his castle, any of the moments that they'd been together! She could have helped, she could have helped carry his terrible burden of knowledge. She knew what it was like to be trapped! She was a princess who had seen the inside of more prison cells than she'd care to admit, but...she swallowed, at least he had told her. It had taken a long time and it had taken her leaving for him to do it, but there it was laid out on the table between them.
He glanced away from her again, still looking overwhelmed by his own words and actions, before shaking his head in an effort to collect himself and his emotions. She feared that he might not manage, that he might actually cry and she realized that if he did she wouldn't be able to stay away. Her instinct to comfort was stronger than her ability to be upset. "Magic comes with a price," he said sadly, more to himself than to her, like it was the reason behind all of this. He was waiting for her to respond, but she couldn't think of anything to say. Her anger had dissipated long ago, but she couldn't think of a single thing to tell him that would fix this. She had a hard time thinking that he could be so shocked by such a fact. She had heard him repeat it often to others and it was the first thing she had learned about magic. Had he really thought he was immune? Did he think that he alone could outrun the circumstances of such a thing? She wondered sometimes if he, or even people like the Evil Queen, really believed that magic was as controllable as it seemed.
"Belle, I have to break this new curse. That's why I was using magic, that night you saw me, down in the basement." She looked away quickly, upset that she had so quickly gone from anger to regret. "I have lost, so much that I have loved," he croaked out. "I didn't want to lose you, again, without you knowing...everything."
And suddenly, without knowing if he had meant to or not, she understood something else. She understood why he'd let her go in the first place, all those years ago in his castle. She'd been half right. It wasn't the power that meant more to him than her...it was Baelfire. As it should be. She couldn't stand between them now and she wouldn't have wanted to then. And he had needed his magic to find him. She wouldn't feel jealous of the boy, she was better than that, and besides she could understand the love of a parent and a child. She'd had it herself until recently. But she wished that he understood that their love was important too. It wasn't better and it wasn't worse. It wasn't more and it wasn't less. It was just different. And it meant that she needed to hear these things when she asked. If he loved her as he claimed then she deserved to know. She wanted to be the one that got to know everything about him. And she wanted him to know that she wouldn't share that knowledge with anyone. He needed to trust her, like she trusted him.
She still trusted him.
He took the last few steps toward her, closing the distance, and placed his fingertips so lightly against her cheek she wouldn't have known they were there if she didn't see it. She realized that she had started to cry, that she wouldn't be able to hold the sea of emotions in any more. "Good-bye, Belle" he said bravely, showing more of the man in him than she'd ever seen. And she knew it was hurting him just as much as it was killing her, as she watched him walk away.
She hadn't realized that he would actually let her go! She didn't think he would honor her request and leave her in peace. And she didn't want him to. He'd told her the truth, the library wouldn't have fixed this, it wouldn't have eased his guilt and it wouldn't have made her happy. The truth was the answer and he'd given it. That had to count for something. They had work to do, but when hadn't they had to fight and work to be together. She leaned her head back against the shelf, letting the books crash into her as she glanced up at the ceiling for a solution. She knew what she had to do and for a moment wondered if she would regret it somewhere down the line. Probably. They seemed to be stuck in this unending cycle, but she couldn't help it. She couldn't let him go; her heart wouldn't let him go. She had no choice, because she couldn't let it end like this.
She picked herself up off the bookshelf and stepped forward. "Do y…have you ever had a...hamburger?" she called after him, before he could reach the door. She didn't know if it was right or not, but it was the first thing that popped into her head and she swallowed hard, nervously as she watched him stop.
And when he finally looked back at her, the breath left his body in relief. "Yes, of course," he whispered, happily. Of course he had.
She rolled her eyes at her own ignorance, smiling at it so she'd feel less awkward. "Well, I haven't," she admitted, "but I hear that Granny's makes a great one. Maybe...maybe we could try it sometime?" she offered timidly. She watched his reaction, hoping that he received the message she'd been trying to convey. Things couldn't go back to the way they were, not yet. But with time, hopefully they'd get there. He smiled and this time he couldn't conceal the tears swimming in his eyes.
"I would like that," he nodded.
She knew, this had been to get her back. But she didn't feel like she'd been manipulated, like before. She felt successful. Leaving him had worked. He had seen that she was more important to him than his power, than his secrets, and he had figured out what it would take to get her back. It was a gamble, a last ditch effort that he had made hoping he could keep her in his life. Hard as it was for him she was glad it had worked. He had walls, and she knew exactly what she had to do to break them down. But she'd never before considered that she had some of her own, and maybe it was possible that he knew how to break them down just as precisely. Maybe he wasn't the only one that wore a mask.
Yay they're back together again! Oh my goodness, who didn't see that coming! Sorry for the wordiness of this chapter ya'll. Remember a few chapters back when I purposefully made things wordy because I felt like the scene called for it...this chapter is the same. I remember watching this scene and thinking they were talking too slowly, just wanting them to spit it out already! Alas...they did not and the wordiness is here to purposefully make you say "would you just let them spit it out already! Sorry, I'm a mean one...
Peace and Happy Reading!