Chapter 36: Satisfied

Pain. That was the only sensation Astrid could register. It was akin to being smothered by a thick, suffocating cloud. Her mind was rattled, and her body burned and stung in places far too terrible to admit to herself. Dangerous hands gripped her arms with such strength that she felt as if they would snap in two like twigs. Eyes malevolent and emerald glared into her with a hatred so deep she felt she'd surely die from it.

Her eyes darted frantically about, searching and hoping for some mental escape, since a physical one was hopelessly impossible. The spider's web cast its small shadow in the corner. The spider was there, lurking toward its helpless prey with a hunger much like the monster's own. The moth fluttered, its small form frantic and doomed, much like her.

Astrid was that moth. Darkness and fluttering wings enveloped her form, blotting out his menacing green eyes. The hysterical movements of thousands of moths began to buzz in her ears. Moths. Everywhere. Ringing in her ears. Blurring her vision. Filling her mouth. Darkness and moths - thousands and thousands of moths.

...

Astrid gasped, nearly jumping out of bed as she felt the cool touch of skin on her arm.

"Hey, you alright?" that familiar, rough voice asked with a hint of genuine concern. She sighed, her breath shaky from the terrors of her mind, quickly wiping the hot tears resulting from them away. She looked up to lock eyes with Arnbjorn, seeing that his expression was strangely somber and sympathetic.

"I am now." Astrid spat, internally fuming from the fact that the monster she hated more than anything had so deeply latched onto a part of her. "What were you doing, anyway?" she blurted out, instantly realizing the accusing tone of her voice. Unfortunately, her powerful emotions had misdirected themselves toward one of the last people she'd wanted to show hostility toward.

"Well pardon me for wondering why you were groaning and flailing around like someone had poisoned your ass." he remarked, as Astrid instantly felt guilty for her previous tone. It was obvious that he'd become concerned, and as soon as she fully realized that, she began to replace the feelings of guilt with ones of satisfaction. It was nice that he looked after her in such a way.

"I was...having a nightmare. I didn't mean to sound like that." she admitted, feeling a bit foolish about the whole ordeal. Of course, she had no reason to feel that way, but she did all the same. Perhaps it was the shame of it all. Perhaps it was the fact that Arnbjorn had caught a tiny, outward glimpse of her inner-demons. Maybe it was because she'd often tried so hard to separate and forget about that dark cloud of her past, only for it to resurface time and again to both haunt and torment her.

"A nightmare? That's it?" Arnbjorn scoffed in disbelief, causing Astrid to glare hatefully into his eyes without even realizing she'd instantly done such a thing. However, as soon as he studied her expression, his own features softened as if he'd picked up on something that she dared not speak of.

She froze in place when Arnbjorn seated himself beside her, his presence feeling a bit too close for comfort, given the horrible experience she'd just felt in her tormented slumber. He gave her a telling look - a look that caused her to turn away automatically in shame. Did he know? Was it that obvious? Astrid knew that Arnbjorn was aware of the fact that Reiner treated her terribly, but to what extent she wasn't sure of - and that terrified her inside. Zirath had obviously figured her out, and she'd even admitted the event to Dar'Sien in a round-a-bout way once, but the fact that they knew wasn't quite so frightening. With Arnbjorn, however, she found herself fearing his reaction if he did figure out just how damaged she was. Astrid wondered with much anxiety if he would find her disgusting and detestable due to what she felt she'd allowed to happen to her. Instantly, self-blame and loathing began to swirl around in her mind as she berated herself for allowing that wretched monster to devour her whole.

"This sleep thing. It happens all the time with you, doesn't it?" he raised an eyebrow, causing Astrid to feel scrutinized. The expression on Arnbjorn's face was more telling by the second. He knew. He had to know. The mark left on her was painfully obvious, she feared.

Feeling cornered and partially defeated, Astrid became defensive. "Yeah. Why do want to know?" He'd probably pieced it all together by now and decided she was too disgusting and broken to ever be involved with, she reasoned.

Suddenly, a look of confusion spread across his features. "Gods, woman. You don't have to get so pissed over a question or two. I just figured you might want to...come with me..." he averted his eyes, seeming a bit uneasy by this point. "Since you don't sleep much anyway, that is..."

"What?!" Astrid's face twisted in an expression of equal confusion. So, he didn't know? Or did he know and not care? Either way, her thoughts began to trail off as she focused on the intensity of her ever-increasing heartbeat. This certainly wasn't what she'd expected, but she found herself pleasantly elated by the thoughts of being around him again.

"Don't tell me you already forgot. Remember? I don't sleep worth a damn, either. Wolf blood and all that shit..." he reminded her.

"Oh..." Astrid nodded, feeling a bit foolish for going on such a mental tirade. "So, where do you want to go?"

"Zirath gave me a contract a few miles from Riften. I figured you might wanna get out of this shithole for a bit and come with me." Arnbjorn shrugged, seeming nonchalant about it, though Astrid knew better.

"You mean the same Zirath you despise? The one that never gives you contracts?" Astrid smirked, teasing him while simultaneously stating her stance on the matter of their leader.

"Cool it. You ain't gonna change my mind about that prick. Just because he used some of his fancy manipulation shit and wooed you into listening to him a few months ago doesn't mean I've changed my mind about him. That brings me to my point. This is my second contract in four months. I should've had more than two bloody contracts by now..." he grumbled, clearly not changing his view of Zirath. Astrid figured that she and Arnbjorn would just have to agree to disagree on some things, and this particular matter was one of them.

"Well, none of us are exactly getting pelted by contracts at the moment, if it makes you feel any better..." Astrid said, attempting to console him in her own sarcasm-laced way.

"My point exactly." he grumbled, before turning his attention back to the matter at hand. "So? You goin' or not?" he asked coolly, though Astrid sensed that he may have wanted her to come along more than he was letting on.

Astrid paused a moment, giving his question some actual thought. Of course she'd wanted to join him, but Zirath had forbidden Arnbjorn from training her not long after she'd joined the Dark Brotherhood. "I would, but-" she began apologetically, before being cut off.

"But what?" Arnbjorn interrupted, his voice laced with a mixture of annoyance and something akin to disappointment.

"You're not supposed to train me, remember?" Astrid crossed her arms defiantly. However, inwardly she truly wanted to leave with him - to be near him. She secretly hoped for any reason - any excuse that would actually allow her to follow him and not be disobeying Zirath's commands. Of course, her thoughts also brought to her attention the fact that she couldn't bring herself to do anything her leader didn't wish for her to do. Zirath had such a hold on her, and she was well aware of it. It was equally euphoric and terrifying at the same time.

"Who said anything about me training you?" Arnbjorn remarked, with an expression falling over his features that clearly stated that he'd already thought about it. "This is nothing but you keeping me company. Besides, you have our fearless leader to bestow his great wisdom upon you. You don't need any help when you have that." he stated, clearly showing his continued dislike for Zirath in his mocking tone.

Astrid instantly shot him a less-than-pleased look for his remarks. "Very funny. Just how is he going to believe that? I don't think he exactly trusts you, if you get my drift..." she replied.

"He may not trust me, but he trusts you. If you say I wasn't training you, then he'll believe it. And I won't teach you a damned thing. I won't make you lie to him." Arnbjorn replied, as a mixture of emotions began to brew inside of Astrid's mind. Besides the warm, fuzzy feeling she was experiencing due to Arnbjorn's consideration for her loyalty to Zirath, she also felt a bit joyful over the fact that Zirath did seem to trust her. Without much thought, a grateful smile spread across Astrid's lips.

"You really think he trusts me enough to believe me?" she asked partly in earnest, and partly just to hear it once more.

Arnbjorn sighed, seeming instantly bored when it came to the subject of their leader. "Yes, Astrid. He trusts you. The guy has been up your ass ever since you came here, if that tells you anything. Now, are you comin' with me or not?" he grumbled, the irritation in his voice suspiciously sounding a bit like jealousy.

And just like that, Astrid had found her excuse. Arnbjorn was right - Zirath did trust her. Besides, Arnbjorn had already agreed not to teach her or influence her training in any way. It was the truth, and it was enough, she reasoned. Warm, gushing feelings spread through Astrid's veins as a sly smile crept across her lips. "Sure, why not?"