Summary:

What if Coin convinced Haymitch, Plutarch and the tributes to save Peeta instead of Katniss during the Quarter Quell? What would happen?

" But Katniss… This is Peeta! You know him… He wouldn't do that! "

" Oh yeah, I know him. I do. He totally would. "

She laughed and turned away from Haymitch.

Chapter 36 : Don't worry, it's fine

Peeta slid an arm around Katniss' shoulder as she reopened her sister's notebook, picking up where she left it a few minutes earlier. The passage summarized the chariot presentation, where they got 'set on fire' by Cinna and shocked the audience of Panem. The boy remembered how he tried to take Katniss' hand in hers, and how she pulled away from it.

" I'm sorry I kinda forced you into holding hands, " he breathed out. " I should've talked about it to you before. "
She looked up from the book, and gave him a slight shake of head, " That's fine, " she assured him, smiling. " I'm sure it helped me get some sponsors, " she added. " I'm sure you remember how bad I am with people. "
Peeta chewed on his bottom lip for a while, " You're just making sure you don't put your trust into someone that could throw it away, or betray you, " he replied.
Katniss tilted her head to the side, " I'm not a hundred percent sure about that, " she sighed. " But I accept this analysis of yours. "

They remained reading, appreciating how fitting Prim's words were. It brought them into the Games once more, angst and dread resurfacing as sentences came one after another. Katniss made sure Peeta was done reading each time she reached to bottom of a page.
Soon, they got to the part of the interviews with Ceasar Flickerman, and the blond swallowed with difficulty. He could only imagine how trapped, how insecure and deceived, Katniss was feeling after his insinuation.

He clucked soundlessly, " Sorry about this too, " he said. " Even thought we both apologized once. "
Katniss put a hand on top of his, resting on his knee, " We did? I don't remember anything like that, " she asked in a haste. " Could you tell me more? "

The interest in her voice was unmistakable, and she really looked thirsty for any information he could give her. Peeta's eyes clenched distressfully, because this only reminded him of the treatment she had received in the Capitol. It hit him unforgivingly, right where it already hurt. Nobody knew about the night encounter they had shared, and yet, she couldn't remember it.

" Are you alright? " she asked, drawing closer to him. " You look kinda pained… "
The blond's eyes widened, " Ye-Yeah, I'm sorry, " he uttered in a breath, running his available hand in his hair. " I just… "

His eyes laid on her mouth for a second, and he wetted his lips unconsciously. She didn't need to hear about this exact insecurity, she was getting better and he clearly had no right, nor the will or ability, to take that away from her.

" Never mind, " he sighed. " I'm fine. "
She frowned, squeezing his hand in hers, " You're not, " she stated.
He squeezed her hand back, " I'm fine, let's keep reading, " he insisted gently. " I just zoned out. "

She looked anything but convinced by his excuse, her eyes hovering over his face to look for any trace of discomfort. Before she could ask more, Boggs got up, and ran in front of the train.

" Soldiers, Lieutenant Paylor just confirmed that the train station is clear, " he shouted, waking a few squad members up. " Get ready, we leave in two! "

Peeta took the opportunity he was given and got up, taking his backpack, then crossbow and guns. He felt Katniss' eyes in his back, but didn't turn around. Finnick came in running, joining him as he entered the wagon. One feet in, and the younger blond immediately felt caged. These trains held bad memories only.

" Hey, let's seat over here, " Finnick declared, pointing at the sofa at the end of the wagon. " This way we'll see the outside. "
His friend followed silently, and settled his belongings on the floor, " Don't you feel trapped too? "

The older boy froze while putting his trident down next to him, understanding what Peeta meant by this simple question.

" I-I don't really know, " he stuttered, staring at his bandaged hands.
Peeta gave him a shrug, " It's kinda depressing, " he breathed out, sliding his fingertips over the soft fabric of the furniture.
" This feeling sorta gets softer if you think about our goal, " Finnick stated in a calm voice.

His friend wanted to see the silver lining of the story, he was trying his best not to be pessimistic. But their mission had so much importance that every single move he made felt too difficult to handle, too fragile. Katniss appeared in the doorframe, and walked towards the pair, her bow in hands.

" I'm going to talk to Gale, " she declared, out of nowhere. " And we'll have a conversation once it's done. "

She left, as fast as she came in.

Finnick looked at Peeta, curving a questioning eyebrow, " What was that about? "
The younger boy sighed, " We were reading Prim's notes just a minute ago, " he started, relaxing on the couch. " She doesn't remember about a conversation we had before the Games, " he continued, looking up at the ceiling. " It wasn't recorded. Or at least, they didn't show it on television. "
Finnick frowned, " Which means, " he breathed out, cutting his friend. " That Snow would do anything to break the bond you created. "

Peeta nodded, closed his eyes. He had no idea about what she had endured, but this single information revealed many things. Katniss was giving him a second chance, but she was still struggling, and that was a thing he wanted to help her with.

The taller blond looked up, " But we already knew that… " he sighed.
" To which extent does this man crave power? " Peeta exhaled.
Finnick settled a hand on his shoulder, " To madness, inhumanity, " he said. " The list is sadly long. "
" I wish I could know about what they did to her, " his friend groaned. " But there's no way I'm talking about this with her, " he added, shaking his head. " I don't want her to remember this. "
" Maybe she will tell you about it without you needing to ask anything, " Finnick stated.

The younger boy didn't feel the need to reply anything. He stretched his legs, sore from all the sitting, and let out a lazy yawn. After a few minutes, they realized the train was moving, as the scenery moved past their eyes, so fast it gave Peeta a headache.

/

" I'm sorry you don't appreciate me getting to know Peeta again, " Katniss sighed. " But I feel like I have to do it, " she continued, getting more comfortable on the bed they were sitting on. " More than having to, I need to do it. "
Her best friend frowned slightly, eyes full of some sort of sadness, " That doesn't surprise me, " he stated. " It just happened really fast, I didn't see it coming. "
" I didn't either, " the girl assured him. " But I start to think that he's a nice person, " she added in a breath, lowering herself on the mattress. " Since Haymitch and I talked, I start to see shades in the grey. "

A sigh escaped her mouth, and she shut her eyes closed, trying to push her doubts about Peeta away. In some moments, she felt secure in his presence, but she still feared getting close to him, feared to be hurt once more. It was all very confusing, and her best friend's reticence didn't help at all. She wished he could support her in this new dynamic.

" Yeah, I saw that, " Gale stated.
She opened her eyes, finding his gaze, " I apologize if it hurt you in some way, " she told him, her voice starting to tremble. " But, " she blurted out, a bit too loud. " But, that doesn't mean you're not important to me. "
He laughed, rolling his eyes, " I know that Catnip, " he said.

Katniss had no idea how to respond to Gale's feelings. She loved him, she really did, but she couldn't even explain in which way.

" It was just a hug, " she felt the need to add.
Her best friend smiled, " I think it was more than that, " he replied, sounding resigned, accepting.
Grey eyes flinched, " You don't know that, " she bit back.

Silence settled, filling every open space around and between them. Katniss felt kinda uncomfortable, having this conversation with him, but it was sorta necessary.

" But it was, " he insisted. " You held him as if you were never going to leave him, or see him ever again, " he stated, looking down at the bed. " Maybe both. "
She turned on her side, to face him, " It was the first time I saw him again, " she mumbled.
" What is that even supposed to mean? " Gale sighed, moving on the bed, his back finding the wall.

Katniss had the answer in her mind, but somehow, words were stuck in her throat. She felt as if sentences couldn't describe the sensation appropriately.

" You were there, I treated him like shit when you rescued us, " she said. " But that day, I-I… " she stuttered, her voice breaking.

She hid her face in her hands, bit her cheeks, as tears urging to leave burned her eyes. Nothing in the world could affect her emotions like Peeta Mellark did, and she didn't know why.

" Hey, it's okay, " Gale whispered, putting a hand on her forehead. " We don't have to talk about this if you can't. "
Katniss shook her head, " No, I, " she blurted out in a wail. " I just can't, " she moaned. " I can't be away from him, and I don't know why. "
Gale shook his head, " It's fine, you don't have to know why. "

He rubbed her skull gently, massaged her temples with his calloused thumbs as she whimpered, tears finding the covers of the bed. She couldn't stop crying, refused to be so dependent to someone she wasn't sure she knew. They were at war, and she couldn't afford these emotions. Still, they overflowed, turning her into a sobbing mess.

/

Peeta and Finnick had stopped talking as the younger boy had fallen asleep again, his head on top of the couch. The trip to District 2's station was almost over, barely half an hour left. Finnick was thinking about his wife, back in District 13, about how worried she most likely was.

" Excuse me, this took more time than I expected, " Katniss sighed as she sat next to the sleeping Peeta. " I guess I shouldn't wake him up. "
Finnick smiled, gave a nod, " That conversation can wait, " he agreed.
She looked down at the smaller blond, " I'm sure he didn't get to sleep a lot in 13, " she whispered, giving his hair a stroke. " He always cared too much. "
The boy sighed, " Yeah, he had some rough times, " he stated. " He lost his family, and was told you were dead, " he added in a breath.

Katniss's chewed on her bottom lip, her swollen and reddened eyes narrowing in concern. She had been so hostile when he had been presumed dead, then alive. Even thought she wished he didn't see her interviews, she knew he obviously did.

" I know how that feels, " she whispered, her voice waving with emotion.
Finnick tilted his head to the side, " He thought he lost the most important people in his life, " he specified. " There's nothing worse than that in the world. "

Her thin fingers glided through his hair, and he moaned in his sleep, orienting his head to the side. She slid her hand down his neck where she gently rubbed his warm skin. This boy was good at hiding his inner pain and insecurities, because it didn't show at all on his face.

" I wish I could remember everything, " she breathed out. " From my own point of view. "
The blond smiled, " One day you will, maybe, " he reassured her, bowing his head as he watched her hand. " But he doesn't need you to do that, you know. "
Katniss straightened up, her fingers freezing, " W-What do you mean? "
" I'm not saying he wouldn't like that, " Finnick explained. " But he will still love you if you can't do it. "

The word love knocked Katniss off her feet, and her whole body softened, her shoulders relaxing instantly. Peeta never mentioned this, not that she remembered, but hearing it made a shiver run down her spine. It was unsettling, she had no idea how to respond to this four letter word.

" I-I… " she blurted out.

She pinched her lips together, staring at the sleeping boy, her hand trembling against his warm skin. Her head started moving back and forth unconsciously. She wanted to scream, to hide somewhere in the woods. Love wasn't a feeling she could afford, not in this world.

" Hey, just breathe. "

Finnick's voice came out of nowhere, making her realize how uneven her breathing was. Air tasted thicker than usual, and the train suddenly felt too narrow for her liking. Grey eyes opened as sheer panic crawled in her veins, tensing up her every muscle. Peeta groaned beside her, eyes fluttering open.

His voice was sleepy, hoarse when he spoke, " Katniss? "

Fingers refused to move away from the back of his neck as her mouth started shaking. She didn't want to be terrified of something that couldn't be grabbed, of a word. But it held such importance, such a threat.

" Katniss? " Peeta repeated, regaining a sitting position.

She shook her head vividly, her hand falling flat on the couch, attempting to grab the material of the sofa. Gasping desperately for air, she shut her eyes, forcing them close as she rocked her body back and forth. Peeta raised a hand, and she jolted back in surprise as it settled on her shoulder. His voice kept calling her name, but she couldn't reply, her throat tightening, lungs desperately gasping for oxygen. Tears of frustration leaked down her cheeks and she found herself trapped in a warm embrace.

" What's wrong? " the boy's voice asked right in her ear.
She shuddered, " N-no, " she begged.
" It's okay, " he whispered, hands caressing the top of her head. " It's okay. "

She gritted her teeth, her arms reaching out for Peeta's chest. Her fingers grabbed his uniform, and she pulled him closer, sinking her face in his neck. Craving for somebody's presence, existence, was unexpectedly scary. He held her tighter to stop the trembling, murmuring comforting words to make her relax.

" I can't do it, " she wailed.

Finnick stared at them, his mouth half opened, incapable of initiating a single movement or syllable.

" I can't lose you, " she cried out.

Peeta wasn't expecting anything, but this even less. Katniss looked up at him, eyes reddened and swollen, and he felt all his own doubts evaporate into nothingness. She bit the inside of her cheeks, and without any warning, crushed her lips against his, still whining. The boy's eyes opened widely for a moment before he gave in, his hands climbing her back and finding the nape of her neck. Katniss moaned desperately, fingers sinking in Peeta's cheeks. The pressure of her mouth on his got stronger, finding the same intensity as Peeta kissed her back, his lips following hers relentlessly.

She pulled back, " Sorry, " she mewled.

He had no idea about what she was apologizing for. Right in that moment, there was no way for him to form a single thought, even the most basic one. He wasn't moving, couldn't move as he stared at her right in the eyes. Never had he experienced something this intense in his whole life. Compared to this, the kiss they shared on the beach seemed to be a faint representation of what passion and devotion really meant.

" You've calmed down, " Finnick stated, laughing nervously, nodding to himself.

Katniss kept her forehead stuck to Peeta's, eyes shut tightly and fingers dragging in the tender skin of his cheeks. Her teeth were chattering nervously as the boy gently, but firmly, rubbed her arms, inhaling and exhaling loudly through his nose. She couldn't allow herself to feel something for him, because it made her weak, added some burden on her thin shoulders. It scared her, having this someone' existence set her life's tempo, giving it most of its meaning.

" I can't do it, " she repeated, her voice waving with emotion.

She pushed the boy away very carefully, the tip of her fingers trembling. When she looked at him, his blue eyes reflected the depth of his feelings, and her own fear. It didn't suit him, to look this sad, and she wished he could start smiling instead of worrying. She lifted a hand and settled it on the edge of his mouth, sliding her thumb over his slightly chapped lips.

" Katniss? "

What she felt for this boy wasn't love, it was something different, unbelievable longing and caring. But could anyone really describe love? Her breathing had eased, allowing her to pant heavily and let her lungs get filled.

Peeta didn't say anything more, and stared at her, waiting for her to express herself first. He was afraid he could shed this moment to pieces if he spoke.

" I'm really sorry, " she uttered in a breath. " I can't, not just now, " she continued.

Peeta wished he could understand what this was all about, but he didn't. Something was obviously holding Katniss back, and he wished he could find it out without needing to ask.

" I'd get weaker, " she whispered. " I'd be easier to reach, " she added.

With these simple words, he knew.

He shook his head slowly, " Don't worry, it's fine, " he reassured her.

Peeta had been waiting for years, for an eternity to get closer to Katniss. He could wait for a week or two, even for a decade, a century. She wasn't willing to expose herself with emotional attachments, and that was the wisest decision in their situation. They were only a few minutes away from District 2's train station, and once they would set a foot off the wagon, death would await at every corner.

" It really is, " he confirmed her, fingers sliding from her cheek to her temple. " I swear it is. "

Katniss bit her bottom lip, and nodded, letting her head fall forward on his shoulder. Even thought she didn't realize it before because of the hatred she felt towards him, she could see how slimmer he had become. His broad muscles were stiff, but there was a lack of strength in his frame, an emptiness that brought an unsettling rush through her stomach. These arms that held her, and shielded her, from the severity of the life she had been forced to live -not that she remembered that part- had gotten not only slender, but almost sickly looking.
When he tightened his embrace around her waist, she felt some reassurance, and perceived a soft familiarity. Closing her eyes, she buried her nose in his collar, inhaling his sent. It smelled like salt, cheap soap, and bitterness, even thought it didn't make any sense.

" Are you feeling better? " he asked, his voice serene and quiet.

She gave a shy nod, and gripped his uniform tighter over his shoulder blades, her fingers having a mind of their own, willing to tear the grey material off his back. Pulling on the cloth, she started blaming herself for kissing him so unexpectedly. It even surprised her, but her body had taken over her brain, and somewhere in her heart, she knew that nobody could have stopped it.

" Soldiers, please change. We're close to our destination, " Boggs stated.

His voice didn't make Katniss or Peeta flinch, not even a little bit. They were tangled in one another, finding some sort of sanctuary in their clasp. She didn't want to let go of him, scared this could be the last time. He didn't want to let her go, for the same reason.

" Come on Miss Everdeen, it's time, " Coin's secondhand insisted.

Slowly, she pulled back, fingers still holding the blond's uniform firmly, too stiff to loosen their grip just yet. Peeta gently stroked her neck with his index, smiling peacefully. Finally, she untied her arms, and got up, legs trembling under her weight. Almost instinctively, her hand found his, and she squeezed it, pinching her lips together, as his blue eyes seemed to speak a language of their own.
And she understood every single word.

He finally dropped his arm, and she headed towards one of the bedrooms of the train to change.

Peeta suddenly noticed Finnick's absence, his trident still lying on the couch.

/

The train slowed down, the ridiculously big chandelier making a ticking sound that gave the blond another headache. Squad members gathered towards the exit of the wagon, Boggs standing right in front of the door, his shotgun in hand. Finnick weaved in and out to get to his friend, both wearing the black uniform people from District 13 had been working on for months. Peeta glanced down at the tiny pocket above his own shoulder, and swallowed with difficulty, finding his mouth unpleasantly dry. The pill that was hidden in it had been created by scientist in the underground district. Created to allow you to die if that was the only option left.

He quickly looked up as the train pulled onto the platform of District 2's station. The leader of the squad opened the door manually , and Peeta's heart skipped a few beats as his legs started to move on their own, leading him in the hangar.
The first group was already heading towards the first shelter, and Coin's secondhand directed his teammates to form ranks, soldiers obeying without a word.

Finnick shook his friend's arm, " We're in this together, remember? " he asked, frowning seriously.
Peeta nodded, " I-I do, " he stuttered.

Boggs started walking, taking cautious steps, leading the squad out of the empty building.
Grey clouds filled the sky, traveling slowly over the soldiers' heads, absence of wind densifying the air, making it heavy, almost oppressive.

" A storm's coming, " Cressida stated, a rank behind the two ex-tributes. " We should avoid the forest. "
Jackson heaved a sigh, " In other words, we have to make a detour. "
" We'll bypass it from a close distance, " Boggs stated. " We can't lose time just now. "

Finnick and Peeta shared a glance, and giggled nervously. They had spent a long time staring at the map, at the 'recommended route' inhabitants of 13 had drawn.

" We'll never reach the shelter like the first squad, " Finnick asserted. " Let's just hope we'll reach some place that has sewers or some kind of roof. "
His friend gave a strong nod, his eyes glued to Katniss, " That would be really convenient. "

/

The second squad had reached the forest, but by that time, thunder had been striking regularly, forcing them to skirt the woods. Rain was pouring, heavy, unforgiving, warm and blinding, but Boggs wouldn't let the soldiers take a break.

" Hold on for a bit longer! " he yelled, to be heard. " We have to make as much progress as we can! "

None of the squad members refuted this statement, and kept jogging, their black boots covered in mud, slowing down their movements. Thankfully, their uniforms weren't sticking to their skin, lessening any friction. Peeta was tired, but didn't dare mentioning it, his shoe slipping off his prothesis, his vision blurred by rain. He had never looked away from Katniss, standing in the middle of the formation, from her soaked black hair.

The squad members were drenched, worn out when they reached some abandoned house. Most of them just sat wherever they were, feet hurting from hours of running. Peeta immediately removed his shoes, then settled them upside down on the ground, water dripping from it. Carefully, he removed his socks, and cringed when he couldn't even identify their color.

" How are you holding up buddy? " Finnick asked, panting as he removed the vest of his uniform. " Your fake leg isn't making it easier, uh? "
Peeta looked away from his left sock, blinked repeatedly, " I'm fine, " he assured his friend. " I'll just have to tie the laces tighter so the boot doesn't fall off. "

Finnick gave him a small smile, and rubbed his hair firmly, cold water spattering around. That just made him giggle sorta childishly, and Peeta felt a bit warmer. He couldn't remember Finnick making a sound close to laughing so genuinely in the past, but it sure was a nice thing to hear.

" I don't know about you, but I'm starving, " Finnick stated, opening his backpack.
Peeta nodded, " Yeah, I'm hungry as well, " he agreed. " But first I want to put dry socks on. "

/

Finnick ate a can of green bean, Peeta chose rice instead. The weather wasn't getting better outside, wind blowing strongly against the walls of the run down house they were in. The blond took a look at Katniss, eating her own portion with Gale, discussing calmly. She didn't ask him about what happened when they were reading earlier, and he was glad about it.

" Hey Peeta, " Finnick sighed.
His friend jolted, " Hm? What is it? "
" What Katniss and you did earlier, in the train, " he started, staring at his metallic fork. " What do you think it means for her? "

The blond's eyes widened. Finnick had left during his encounter with the girl, and he wasn't sure he could really explain what happened. Not with words, for sure.

" I think she did it without realizing she was, " he replied, chewing his bite. " She doesn't want to get involved in that sort of relationship, " he continued. " And I totally understand it. "
Finnick pouted for a moment, " We're in constant danger, we could die at any moment, " he mumbled. " Isn't it the perfect moment to embrace that sort of things? " he asked, probably to himself. " I mean, you were rooting for Annie and me, even thought you knew I'd be leaving her for this mission. "

Peeta's gaze dropped to the dirty ground, and he let out a shaky breath. Finnick was right indeed, these sort of situations usually pushed people towards one another, but Katniss was different. He was sure that she never really allowed herself to have feelings, that she kept burying them in order to protect herself. And with all that happened to her, around her, it was normal for her to be afraid of feelings. She wasn't as cold-hearted as she might seem, she wasn't as emotionless, she just learnt how to convince herself that this sort of things didn't matter. The only love she allowed herself to feel was the one provided by a family, be it blood-related or not, and Peeta could absolutely relate.

" It's much more complex than that, " he finally said. " She has the ability to love, we both know that, " he added. " She just can't express it like everyone else. "
Finnick hummed to himself, " I know what you mean, " he sighed, running his free hand in his curvy hair. " But she deserves to be able to really embrace her feelings. "
" The thing is, " Peeta started, swallowing more rice. " She isn't allowing herself to be in love, " he stated.
His friend yawned, " Somehow, I understand why she does that, " he admitted. " Even thought I got together with Annie again, I know it makes me more vulnerable. "

Peeta settled down his can, closing it with some foil.

" I'm as exposed as you are, " he breathed out. " Just because we can't express our feelings doesn't mean they're not here anymore. "

Finnick frowned, contemplating his friend's sentence.

" But Katniss can't trust me entirely, " Peeta continued. " And that carries weight, a lot of weight, " he added, closing his eyes for a moment. " Which is why I know she took the best decision, telling me that she couldn't. "
Finnick took his fork out of the can, " Couldn't what exactly? " he asked.
" Be with anyone, especially me, " Peeta stated as if it was obvious. " Not yet. "

NDA : Here is the 36th chapter!

I'm sorry I'm late, but I lost inspiration halfway, and I had been busy preparing several exams.
I'm kinda liking this one, and I hope you enjoyed reading it.

See you in chapter 37,
bisous, :)