A/N: I'd like to thank the academy...Oof. No, just everyone who reads and reviews. And Kim and Melinda too, of course.
I'm slightly high on pseudoephadrine atm. Bloody hayfever.

Vertigo

Chapter 36

Edward.

Bella...she's breaking my bloody heart. I thought I could bear her pain, but I can't. It's tearing me apart and we're only at the beginning.

Despite how much of a disaster our first appointment appeared, Dr Jenks convinced me that she made good progress. It didn't feel like it. I took her home and she cried all night in my arms. She cried so much her asthma turned to shit and I started to freak out she'd end up sick again. She kept apologising, repeatedly, and I knew it wasn't to me. I got the impression it was to her little brother and it fucked with me so much I ended up in tears along with her. I fought hard to keep them from her, though. I have to be strong for her, now more than anything.

And I have to trust her. Trust that she'll get through this.

The weekend was a right-off. She was numb the entire time, she almost appeared in shock, but by Sunday night she started to smile again, and call me "handsome". And tell me I was adorable, but we didn't have sex once. Which isn't like her. When she's stressed sex is all she wants. I have to take it as a good sign, because I know she uses sex as therapy, and the screwed up part is most of the time I'm happy to go along with it.

Our next appointment together is Wednesday, but Monday morning Dr Jenks contacts me to come in and see him in the afternoon.

"Take a seat," he offers after calling me to his office before sitting in the chair opposite me.

"What's going on?" I ask, not sure whether I should be uneasy about it, or not.

"Bella's given me permission to speak to you about her. I think she feels more confident I'll be able to explain her better without alarming you too much."

"Oh..." I say releasing my breath in relief. "Okay."

"How's she going?" he enquires, picking up his pen and notebook. Bella's file sits on the table between us. It's bloody thick.

"She's...getting there, I guess. Friday night was pretty shit, but by Sunday she started to come around."

He nods, a small smile inching on his lips. "That's good. Has she broken down like that in front of you before?"

"A few times, yeah," I reply and his eyes immediately widen in surprise.

"She has?"

"Yeah... Why...?"

"She's never let go with me before. She gets close to tears, but she always reins herself in. Friday was the first time I have ever seen her show any real emotion."

I immediately pause to contemplate it. If Bella can cry in front of me it has to mean something. It has to mean I make her feel comfortable, secure...

"I saw how anxious you were on Friday, Edward. I can understand why it would upset you, but you have to allow her to let it out. She's repressed her emotions for so long, and no matter how upsetting it is to witness, crying is the best thing for her."

"How long is it going to take?" I put to him; I'm not sure how much I can withstand.

"A while," is all he gives away.

"Is she ever going to stop blaming herself?" Because that's all I want, right now.

"She will eventually. Survivor's guilt can be extremely hard to work through, but she understands rationally. Unfortunately she didn't get the help she needed immediately after, so it may take a bit longer. I think she made real progress Friday."

"I know about her grandmother," I fill him in.

"She told me. She thinks that's what caused you to lose faith in her."

I huff in frustration. "I haven't lost faith in her," I insist.

"I'm aware of that, but Bella's mind works very differently."

"Tell me about it..." I mutter, scoffing to myself, because don't I bloody know it.

He pauses for a moment, appearing to scrutinise me before he adds, "I called you in here today, Edward, because I want to prepare you."

"...For what...?" I ask immediately wary, and christ, what the hell now?

"Bella never mourned the loss of her family. She went through the trauma of losing them, but she never allowed herself to mourn them. I'm going to work through that with her on Wednesday."

"Jesus..." I murmur, dragging my fingers through her hair. "How the hell could she not mourn them?"

"She was so young and it was such a huge, frightening reality for her to face alone, so she closed herself off. Being with her grandmother her instincts to survive overrode all else, and it was a diversion that helped her get past it. When she got her memories back it again forced her to face the prospect of mourning her family. Unfortunately, with no one to help her through it, she went to a very dark place, and...well...you know what happened."

"Yeah..." I say quietly, I know what happened all right. "Wait...how come you've never..." I don't finish, my mind's already beginning to race ahead, because I think I understand why.

"She was too fragile," he explains the question I abandoned, and it's good to know he gets where I'm coming from. "I couldn't risk taking her to a place that's so emotionally damaging while she was alone. Until she met you she had closed herself off to everyone. If she went through it I couldn't be certain she wouldn't attempt to take her life again."

"She closed herself off even to Alice...?" I ask. Bella talks about Alice often, and I got the impression they've always been pretty close.

"Yes," he nods gravely, "to everyone."

"Then...what is it about me...?" I wonder out loud, and in response he all but smiles.

"She put the exact same question to me about you," he explains his reaction.

"Yeah?" I feel the grin twitch at my lips. "What did she say?"

"That you're 'bloody well gorgeous'," he quotes her with a small smirk.

"Christ..." I mumble, feeling my face flame, "she tells me that all the time."

"She finds it easier to relay things like that than confess her true feelings, but believe me, she will fight to the death to keep you in her life. And she carries a lot of guilt for allowing you to get caught up in her trauma."

I laugh humorously. "Believe me, I know. She seems to swap between two extremes; spilling her guts to me or shutting me completely out. There's never any balance. That's all I want."

He nods once. "Understandable."

I take a heavy breath because I'm already feeling overwhelmed, and I do need to prepare myself. "So I have to let her cry, what else?"

"Keep a close eye on her," he says, and he's suddenly deadly bloody serious. "Make sure you know where she is at all times, and if you feel she's sliding back contact me immediately."

"Jesus Christ, so she could...?" How the hell am I supposed to have faith in her now?

"I'm confident she'll be able to handle it, but it will be rough on her, and I can't be certain she won't react adversely."

"I'm not sure she's ready," I blurt suddenly bloody on edge. "Friday was too much for her."

"You said she's doing well," he reminds me.

"She is...but..." I shake my head, because let's face it, I'm not ready so how the hell can Bella be? "Is it okay to dump everything on her at once?"

"I've been leading her up to this for close to four years. If I didn't think she was ready I would hold it off."

"Yeah, but then I'll have to pick up the pieces—I'll have to try and put her back together again!" I'm pissed off, and I can't bear the idea of seeing her in so much pain again so soon.

"This is inevitable, Edward" he says steadily, appearing to gauge me closely. "She cannot delay it forever, and it's doing a lot more damage to her while she's repressing it."

"I understand that, but—Jesus!" I snap, reefing my hand back through my hair again. "She was a bloody mess Friday night."

"And she recovered fairly quickly," he throws my own bloody words back at me. "Edward, have you forgotten she opened her heart to you? It's been slowly spilling out for a while now, and there's not much holding it back anymore. If she's not ready she'll fight me and close up, but if she is, she's going to crack and with very little effort. It's not going to be easy for both of you, but she'll never get better while she's hanging onto it."

I sigh, and then again in frustration while my bloody chest clenches at the thought of it. "Do I warn her?"

"Please don't." He appears alarmed. "She will try everything to avoid it, you should realise that by now."

"You're preparing me, but not her?" I accuse him, and he sighs before dropping his head to massage his forehead; his pen between his fingers.

"There's no way I can prepare her that she'll accept. She didn't accidentally forget to mourn them, Edward. It was deliberate on her part, and she's worked hard for ten years to keep it that way."

"So...cruel to be kind, is that it?"

"Basically," he says.

"Christ, all right," I mutter before pulling myself to my feet. "I should go." I'm done. I don't want to hear anymore, and I have no idea how I'll be able to get Bella here on Wednesday.

"Focus on the goal of getting her healthy, Edward. That's all that matters," he says, getting to his feet after me and placing his hand on the back of my shoulder as I make my way to the door.

For two days I'm forced to keep what I know from her, but she's so bloody perceptive she clues onto me immediately.

"Christ, what the hell happened?" she eventually loses it Tuesday night after my attempts to put on a front completely crashed and burned.

"He went through what happened Friday with me, to help me understand it from your perspective better," I lie, hoping she won't immediately see through me. "I just...I hate seeing you so upset."

She pauses, her eyes breaking from mine before she expels a heavy breath. "Yeah, it's shit, but what do you do..."

"You sure you're going to be okay?" I put to her, curling my arm around her and pulling her against me.

"I'll be fine," she mumbles into my chest, sounding distracted.

"I love you," I say against her hair just as her breath shoots from her nose.

"You're adorable, handsome."

"You can call me darling if you like," I reply.

"You told me I'm not allowed to," she reminds me, pulling back to gauge me suspiciously.

Half a laugh bursts from me. "Since when do you listen to me?"

She sort of scoffs, her smile turning to a smirk before she yanks on my shirt. "Want to go to bed early?" She raises a suggestive brow before quickly explaining. "Christ knows I'll probably be a basket case after tomorrow and we're breaking our average."

"All right," I murmur, a grin pulling slowly on my lips. It's been five days and I already miss her.

. . .

"Let's talk about your mother, Bella," the doctor suggests only moments after we're sitting opposite him.

I grab her hand, entwining my fingers with hers and squeeze. She turns to me and gives me a questioning look; I only throw her a tight smile.

"What about her?" she replies after turning back to him.

"What was she like?"

"She was a neurotic drunk." She immediately frowns as if she regretted speaking those words.

"What do you miss about her?" He tilts his head, his eyes remaining trained on her.

Bella pauses for a moment, her forehead knotting deeper. "I don't know... She was my mother."

"Any regrets?"

She scoffs out her breath shortly. "A bloody million—what do you think?"

He nods in return. "Tell me about one. The one that sits in the back of your thoughts most."

"That I thought she was bloody pathetic and weak!" she answers a little too sharply, and she's not fighting him at all like she would with me.

"Go on," he encourages her.

She shakes her head, appearing suddenly irritated. "You want me to put shit on my dead mother?"

"I want to go deeper into your feelings regarding her."

"I don't know," she says impatiently. "She was miserable—it affected all of us."

"How did it affect you?" he continues to push her, and already I'm on edge and Bella's beginning to look pissed off.

"I told you."

"You thought she was pathetic and weak," he recaps. "That must bother you now."

"Of course it bloody does. You think I would have thought that about her if I knew she was going to die?"

"Regret is one of the biggest hurdles in overcoming loss, Bella. You need to talk about it," he adds fucking calmly, and Jesus, he knows he's upsetting her and he's completely unfazed by it.

"Talk about it..." she echoes sarcastically. "I regret bloody all of it, all right?"

"There has to be one incident in particular." He leans forward in his chair.

Pulling her hand from mine, she rubs at her forehead roughly. "One? Are you for real? This is my family we're talking about. There was more than bloody one!"

"Of course there was, but what was the biggest one."

"I don't know!" she snaps.

"You do, Bella, and you've been running from it for ten years."

"I don't!" she insists.

"You know I know you're lying. You want Edward to have faith in you, you have to be honest with yourself."

"That's was below the bloody belt!" I snap, almost lurching out of the chair.

"Edward," he warns me, holding up his hand, his fucking pen still between his fingers. "Bella," he turns his attention back to her, "it wasn't just that you thought she was pathetic and weak, was it?"

She only shakes her head, glancing hastily around the room as if she were contemplating leaving. I brace myself, ready to get her out of here if she gives me the signal.

"Was it, Bella?" he repeats, his tone turning firm, and in reply Bella jumps in her skin.

"N-No," she stammers, and her face is beginning to pale, her eyes widening in fear.

"Tell me."

"I-I hated her," she whispers. "I blamed her."

"You blamed her for your asthma?" he asks, his tone softening again.

She nods looking distracted while continuing to glance around the room the same way she does when she wakes up with her nightmares.

"Tell me about it. Tell me about it so both Edward and I can help you move past it," he encourages her, and I suddenly want to warn her that's he's leading her into a trap. I have to physically restrain myself to remain seated in my chair.

"Every time I got sick...they-they fought about it. About-About me," she stammers, before she suddenly jumps out of her seat. To escape or just because she's restless, I'm not sure, but I'm right beside her instantly.

"Edward. Let her finish," he cautions me. "Bella..."

"They blamed each other! They used me to one-up each other, and they didn't care that I heard them—that the-the boys heard them..." She takes a step away from him, and it's obvious her flight instincts are starting to kick in.

I reach out and grab her hand; she's beginning to tremble. "Bella..." I say softly, but I have no more words.

She only shakes her head. "I was always sick—always in h-hospital."

"You resented her, didn't you?" His voice softens again as if in empathy.

"I had no friends!" she suddenly professes. "I was always in the sickbay, I couldn't go to camps, or play sp-sport! Everyone used to avoid me like the plague as if I were bloody contagious!"

"It's natural to be angry about that, Bella, but your parents used it against one another, didn't they?"

"They would scream at each other, my mother was always drunk and she'd-she'd say the worst things—about how I was going to die! She used to scare the boys. She used to scare me!"

"And you used to think some fairly dark thoughts about them," he coaxes her to continue, and he knows exactly what he's doing because Bella's beginning to crack.

She nods, her chest shuddering just as tears begin to stream down her face. "I was s-so angry at them—at her!"

"What did you wish upon her, Bella?"

"I wished she was dead!—that they were both dead!" Her voice rises and then breaks and she takes another clumsy step away from him.

"And you can't take it back now," he continues, and I turn and glare at him. It's on the tip of my tongue to tell him to shut the fuck up, but I know what he's doing is exactly what she needs.

She shakes her head again, before she once again pulls her hand from mine and drops her brow into both of them. "No...I can't."

"Bella, every teenager has those kinds of thoughts about their parents at some point; every one of them. The only difference is most don't go through what you did." He gets up out of his chair, and I'm immediately tense. I want to put myself between them, but I don't. I'm trying to keep the fucking faith. Faith that he knows what he's doing, and faith that Bella can handle this.

She breaks down into sobs, her small shoulders quaking with them and it's tearing my damn heart out. "I-I used to pray for them to die so I d-didn't have to feel like my-my very existence was the cause of their problems any-anymore! And I can't take it b-back. I can't s-say sorry. I-I can't see her again and tell her I didn't mean it!"

"It's stopping you from missing her, isn't it?" he adds, and in reply Bella nods her head jerkily.

"But-but I do m-miss her," she stammers, her tears increasing as her chest continues to convulse along with them. "Jesus...I miss her..."

I stretch out my arms to pull her against me, but with one sharp gaze Dr Jenks stops me. He only gives me this silent warning that if I take one step I could fuck it all up.

"You're allowed to miss her, Bella," he tells her. "It's your right alone to miss them without any regrets."

For the next couple of minutes the only sound in the room is Bella's cries. She stands completely broken, her back hunched over, her head buried in her hands. I only stand beside her, fucking helpless, my arms stiff at my sides. A few times the doctor holds up his finger, silently cautioning me again, and I want to hold my breath in fear for what's about to come.

And then it does.

"I-I never e-even got to s-say good-goodbye," she suddenly blurts before she holds her head up, and her entire expression is drowning in pain. She turns to me then, her eyes tortured and pleading. "Ed-Edward..." she whispers, and it's too much for me. I pull her roughly to me and enclose her in my arms.

I hold her to me for the next several minutes. I don't say anything, because there's nothing I can say. I can't tell her it's okay, because it isn't. But she has to be. She better be, or I'll fucking kill this bastard before me.

He only stands roughly six feet from us, his hands shoved into his pants pockets while he appears to appraise her patiently.

And then I feel that moment when she breaks against me. She jerks, a gasp bursting from her, her entire body practically convulsing, and suddenly she's struggling to breathe.

In immediate panic I pull the inhaler from my pocket and shove it in her mouth. But she's not responsive. She only stands slumped against me, her expression almost shocked, her eyes wide and incomprehensible. Then she starts to shake her head, slowly at first until a momentum builds within her.

"N-No—I-I-I don't w-want to do this!" she declares, shoving from my arms, before pushing both her hands into her hair. "I know wh-what you're doing!"

"She's not ready," I appeal to him, and christ, her lips are turning blue again.

"She's more than ready," he counters, completely unmoved, his eyes fixed to her.

"They died, Bella. They're not coming back, and you have to say your goodbyes. You have to end this."

"I KNOW THAT!" she yells! "Don't you th-think I know that! Don't tr-treat me l-like an infant!"

"It's time to say goodbye..." he repeats sedately.

She shakes her head again, but it's as if she's attempting to make sense of it. "I-I don't know h-how to," she whispers.

"Stop holding it in," he directs her. "Let it go. Let the pain come. It won't kill you, and you're not alone."

"I'll always be a-alone!" she insists, her voice breaking again.

"You're not alone, baby—you have me!" I tell her.

"For how l-long?" she puts to me. The tears are completely drowning her and she's stopped attempting to wipe them away.

"Forever," I promise her.

She stares at me for a moment, looking suddenly defeated. "There's no such thing..."

"Until my last breath, then. Until we're both old and grey. Marry me, Bella, and I'll never let you go!"

She sort of laughs out of some kind of irony, before her chest shudders again. "That's a pity pro-proposal."

"Pity..." I echo her in disbelief. "I'm not allowed to break your rules, remember?"

"But you always br-break them..."

I smile. "Because I'm such a screw up. I need you to pull me into line."

"Don't let her deflect, Edward," Dr Jenks cuts in, pulling my focus from Bella.

"She's had enough," I state.

"She's almost there," he replies, and he sounds confident before his gaze shifts to her. "Bella, let's end this, so you can marry Edward. So you can start living."

"End what?" she fires back.

"Are you prepared to lose him just to hold onto it?" he puts to her, before his gaze immediately fixes to mine again in warning.

Bella turns to me, her eyes narrowing, and in a heartbeat she's gone from pain to anger. And I realise focusing on me and not Dr Jenks might have just set her back. "Tell me he's just playing mind games with me, Edward—tell me!" she demands, wiping away her tears and looking like she wants to murder me.

But I know... I know what I have to do.

I pause, gazing down at her, at how broken she is while still fighting to stay strong. Then with a deep internal sigh, I reluctantly shake my head. "You have to fix yourself, Bella, or we're not going to work," I say in a quiet voice before immediately severing her gaze and staring at the floor.

I can hear the gasp that leaves her throat, and see her stumble away from me out of my periphery, while my heart clenches tightly in my chest.

"Well, fuck you then!" she snaps, sounding madder than hell, then spinning around she makes a move for the door.

I'm immediately on her heels when she suddenly stops. She stands frozen, while both her hands cover her mouth.

"Bella...?" I speak up apprehensively, reaching out to her, and Jesus, the guilt's beginning to shred me.

"I...I think I'm going to be sick," she says weakly, muffled behind her palms, just as I move into action.

There's a set of cabinets to the right of the room with a sink, that's where I lead her, and I get her there without a second to spare.

She throws up repeatedly, wheezing heavily and choking back fresh tears, while her legs all but buckle beneath her. I'm forced to hold her up on her feet.

"I told you she wasn't ready!" I turn and accuse the doctor, but he appears way too calm and it's really beginning to piss me off.

"This is a purge she needs," he insists, and it's a bloody purge all right.

She continues to fight, though, gripping the edges of the counter and shaking her head stubbornly. "I said my goodbyes!" she yells repeatedly as Dr Jenks continues pushing her. He pushes her so much it takes all my test of will not to put an end to it.

"You're lying, Bella," he says, keeping his tone deliberately low-key. "The three of us in this room know it."

"I'm not lying!" she shouts back.

"Then why are you here?"

"Bella, please..." I beg her.

"Not for them—not like this," she insists, letting go of the counter to grip my arms that are around her. "Edward."

"You're fighting me because you know I'm right."

"Edward..." she appeals to me again.

"Christ, baby. You have to..."

"I'm not!" she cuts me off.

"Tell her, Edward," Dr Jenks instructs me.

"...He's right," I say, squeezing my eyes shut, and it fucking kills me.

She shakes her head, harder this time, more adamantly. "I-I've already done it, Edward! Please believe me!" She sinks in my arms, and tightening them I pull her completely upright.

"You have to listen to him," I plead with her; my voice comes dangerously close to breaking and I'm forced to rein myself back.

"Bella," Dr Jenks speaks up before taking a laboured breath. "You're cowering because you fear it, but you have nothing to fear."

"I'm not..." she whimpers.

"You're not going to fall, baby," I promise her, because that's what she fears. She told me that herself. "I've got you."

"It's time to let it go, Bella," the doctor reiterates, and I have no idea how he can remain so restrained. He's completely undeterred by her resistance, by her pain.

"Edward, please..." she sobs, completely breaking down again, but I hold strong. She's beginning to fade. I can feel it; I can feel it overrunning her. With every breath she takes she weakens as she stands against me.

And then it completely consumes her.

A/N: Christ, that was heavy. Bella's going to get a lot better after this. Promise. Then something interesting is going to happen...