A/N: Thank you for your lovely messages. I'm continuing to post pics to illustrate each chapter on Twitter if you're interested.

Chapter 36: Push You Pull Me

Previously…

Castle stares at her, his features a hard-to-read topography of moving light and shadow cast by the glow from the fire.

"Am I right?" presses Kate, ducking her head to meet his eyes.

"I tried. Every time I tried to keep it together, to keep things normal for Alexis' sake, to shield her—"

"Hey, you're only human, Castle. Break-ups are hard. Why should you be immune to that? What, because you have a kid you're not supposed to process loss like a normal adult? You're not supposed to feel bad, sad, lonely or used?"

"My choices, not hers. She shouldn't have to experience that before her time…ever."

"Castle, children learn how to react to major events in their lives by watching the adults around them. If you'd been 100% fine after Gina left what kind of message is that sending Alexis? You were married. Divorce should hurt or people would fall in and out of each other's lives without even trying to fix things."

Castle nods. "I guess."

"Anyway, Alexis is one of the most well-adjusted teenagers I've ever met. You haven't damaged her. She's so…so sensible. You did more than okay," smiles Kate, bumping his shoulder with her own.

"Told you you're the wisest person I know," replies Castle, sounding just a little smug.

"Then if you also know what's good for you, you'll shut up and kiss me," she demands, before tenderly taking his face in her hands.

A few moments later...

Castle rolls onto his back and then stands suddenly. He holds out his hands to Kate. "Come on. Let's take a walk."

"A walk?"

"Yeah, come on. It'll be fun."

"Fun?" she repeats, crossing her arms over her chest.

Kissing him on this rug by an open fire was fun. She wasn't ready for that to stop yet. But apparently Castle has other ideas.

"Okay, romantic. I meant to say romantic. Come on? Just…work with me," he says, wiggling his fingers in front of her again to get her to stand with his help.

"A walk. In the dark?"

"Not scared, are you, detective?"

"No," replies Kate, indignantly, finally clasping his outstretched hands and allowing him to pull her up off the ground.

Once upright, Kate arches her spine and rubs her butt, which is a little numb after sitting curled up for so long on the hard surface of the earth, protected by just the thin consolation of a wool blanket and groundsheet.

"Anyway, I'll bet you know your way around here blindfolded," guesses Castle, looking right and left himself, trying to determine a route for this romantic walk he's suddenly had the notion to take.

"Is that a suggestion?" grins Kate, covering her eyes with her hand. "A little…kinky, don't you think," she teases, seductively arching both eyebrows at once.

Castle gives her a surprised look. "You—you really want to…uh—?"

Kate laughs, shaking her head. "Not this time. But…I might have taken one or two nighttime strolls…last summer," she admits, dusting powdered sugar off the front of her jeans.

"Alone?" Castle's eyes bug out in horror and a cold chill creeps over his skin.

"Castle, I'm a big girl," replies Kate, dismissing his concern with mild amusement.

"I..I know. But—" He stands in front of her, fiddling with the pull-tab on his jacket's zipper. He needs to say this, but he knows she just might kill him for thinking this way.

Kate puts her hands on her hips, which is never a good sign. "But?" she asks, flaring one hip out. Uh-oh. "What's your problem with—?"

Now or never, Rick.

"With you walking alone in the woods in the dead of night? Oh, I don't know," he says nonchalantly enough, before rounding on her. "Anyone could have been out here, Kate. You were injured…recovering."

The possibilities begin to swamp him the harder he tries to get a grip and shut his mouth. Words just keep pouring out as his over-active imagination gets the better of him. Cold sweat beads on his back beneath his t-shirt, despite all the evidence he's witnessed since they got here: that the cabin and the lake and the woods that surround them seem quiet, peaceful and harmless.

"I felt perfectly safe," assures Kate, turning towards the path they'd taken earlier.

"You were on pain meds," argues Castle, worrying the subject like a dog with a bone. "You sure you were even up to making that judgment call?"

Kate stops, whirling round to face him. "Are we really arguing about this now?"

Castle deflates a little in the face of Kate's worried, questioning stare. He knows that it's his own fear of loss – the loss of what they have now - and not the actuality of the situation back then that's coloring his thinking

"You're not doing that again," he mutters sullenly, brushing past her to take the worn path out towards the lake, foolishly choosing to ignore everything he's learned about this fiercely independent woman over the last fours year.

Kate catches up with him within a few strides and slips her hand into his, tugging it into her side until their joined hands bump rhythmically against the firm flesh of her thigh as they take high steps through the undergrowth together.

It's a surprise, but it helps: this simple gesture - her hand in his. It helps he supposes because little tokens like these are still new to both of them; so new that they're like an unexpected gift. The kind of gift that is simple and inexpensive but undeniably well thought-out. A gift made for the recipient and the recipient alone. The kind of gift that demonstrates intimate knowledge of the person on the receiving end, that indicates care, thought, and love.

"I wasn't planning on it," she murmurs, a handful of moments later, when the sound of gently lapping waves greets their ears.

"In fact, you're not doing anything alone ever again," he adds petulantly, as if he hadn't even heard her offer what, for her, amounts to total acquiescence.

Kate laughs. She can't hold the sound in any longer and it echoes hollowly in the dark, bouncing off the wide expanse of water and then ricocheting back against the hard, sounding board of the tree line. She tugs on Castle's hand when they reach the start of the dock, forcing him to a stop. "Do you know how ridiculous you sound?"

Castle glares at her, his chest heaving, though they've barely had to exert themselves cutting through the woods to reach the lake. "Your point?" he growls, though the look in his eyes betrays the fearful frenzy he's just whipped himself into.

Kate shrinks back from a full on burst of anger when she reads the reason for the fear in Castle's eyes. This is still so new - this amazing thing between them. And their visit to the cabin is throwing up all sorts of remembrances, confessions, and posing questions neither of them would have thought to even ask before today.

She lets her shoulder drop, a smile of contrition and amusement playing round her eyes. "True. Since ridiculous is pretty much your default setting," she teases, attempting to deflate his anger, to get him to put things back into perspective.

One minute Castle feels flush with love and the next he's fighting back every terrible fear he has ever imagined coming to find Kate Beckett. These feelings are heightened because of where they are with one another now. He understands this on an intellectual level, but on an emotional one…he's struggling. He doesn't know if he should be doing this now – engaging Kate in this push and pull. Maybe he should let everything go and just concentrate on being out here alone with her, learning all the good stuff, instead of dredging up the darkest worries that lurk in deepest corners of his mind.

On the other hand, he let stuff go for far too long, and look where that got them. They can fight their way through to some kind of negotiated agreement, he's sure, because that's what people do when they're in a relationship. Isn't it?"

Kate pulls ahead of him, walking out on to the old wooden boat dock, her boots making a dull, hollow, thudding sound the further out she goes on the planked surface. He watches her back as she goes - strong, upright, powerful. It hurts him so much to think of any harm ever coming to her.

"747" Kate murmurs to herself once she reaches the final board, tapping the toe of her boot on top of the carved heart encircling their initials as if it were a talisman. She wraps her arms protectively around her body when the breeze scuds past, whipping at her hair, just as she used to when she came out here alone.

Unlike before, when she would stand out here by herself in the dark listening for the sound of fish jumping, breaking the surface out of her range of sight, when she would allow her eyes to grow so accustomed to the dark she felt as if she was wearing night vision goggles on evenings when the moon shone brightly. Unlike before, she feels Castle's arms slip around her when he approaches from behind. She hears him settle his feet either side of hers, his stance wide enough to accommodate her hips in the cradle of his own, and when she feels his lips press a gentle, meaning-filled kiss to her temple, she finally relaxes back against his chest, clutching at his forearm one handed.

"Kate Beckett, please listen to me for once," he whispers, his lips resting on the shell of her ear, the vibration making her shiver and the hair on her arms stand on end beneath her hoodie.

"I listen to you a lo—" she begins to protest, turning her head to try and look at him.

But Castle holds her firm, forcing her to relax in his embrace. "Shhhh. Please?" he pleads, rubbing his nose in her hair, before settling his head next to hers.

Kate nods, silently miming locking her lips and throwing away the key.

"I love you…more than…more than anything, Kate," he says, this deeply serious tone one she has only heard him use a handful of times in the past.

"And I love you too," she reassures him, turning to holding his face in her hands as she reaches up to kiss his lips, to soothe his worry away.

"No. No, listen," he beseeches, his rising voice cutting through the quiet of the night as he grasps her wrists and eases her hands off his cheeks.

This time he is the one holding her still. His hands land on her shoulders, his nose slides over and past hers until his forehead comes to rest against her brow and her vision goes foggy. Castle whispers, his breath warm and sweet on her cheek. "I don't want us to be apart. I know that sounds…heavy or…or melodramatic maybe. But it's how I feel, Kate."

"What's this really about, Castle?" she asks, easing back a little to enable her to look at him properly, to read his thoughts in his eyes, like she got so used to doing when they refused to be this open with one another.

He looks off to the side, out into the darkness, evading her question. That he can plead with her to listen to him, beseech her so openly and yet not be able to explain what is at the heart of his request strikes Kate as odd.

"Forget I said anything," he suddenly replies, moving away, dropping to sit on the end of the dock, his feet dangling a foot or so above the impenetrable blackness of the water.

After a couple of seconds pause, Kate sinks down to sit beside him. She balances her hand on his shoulder as she crouches, choosing to sit close enough once she's settled on the dock that their thighs are touching, their shoulders and arms aligned; unlike the sun and moon they have ceased to merely orbit one another. They stare out into the darkness, both lost in loud, loud thinking.

"Funny. I never thought I'd feel the same…but after everything," she shrugs, keeping her eyes trained ahead of her, allowing her words to be the only thing her audience of one hears. This is no time for physical distraction. That would be too easy. Castle has an issue, some deep-seated fear, and if he's bringing it up now, when they've been having so much fun, then Kate knows it requires serious addressing to nip it in the bud.

She feels him shift beside her, and then she knows he's going to speak.

"Feel the same?" he repeats, flatly, looking for clarification.

"Mm," she hums, nodding her head, eyes still focused on the dark expanse of the lake. "I'm not exactly the…the clingy type," she admits, knowing she's not exactly breaking news to her partner here, but the difference in how she feels now as opposed to then needs a point of contrast, and this is one he has long experienced – her determined, stubborn need for independence.

When she doesn't say anything else, Castle's in-built sense of curiosity has been stirred enough that he asks, "I get the sense now might be a good time to say but?"

Good boy, she thinks, smiling to herself.

Kate nods. "But…being out here with you— You make me feel things, Castle."

He turns to look at her, the question written on his face. "What kind of things?"

"All sorts. Things I used to think made me weak. Feelings I…feelings I've tried to bury because they made me scared…vulnerable."

"I don't understand."

"If you care for nothing, there's nothing anyone can take from you. I learned that a long time ago. Same applies to people."

Castle suddenly finds himself thinking back to when Kate's apartment was blown up and she lost almost everything she owned. He thought her reaction at the time was perhaps a little odd, but chose to think of her as stalwart, courageous, especially since the FBI was involved and she still had a job to do. He reasoned that she wouldn't want to lose face in front of the Feds, crying over some lost possessions. But he still couldn't believe her ability to compartmentalize and move on, with little more than her father's missing watch to concern her. Alexis…god, even he would have freaked out completely if he'd lost so much as his laser tag gear in a blast like that, let alone his entire home and all his worldly goods.

"This is probably the place I miss her most."

Kate's heartfelt admission breaks the silence and breaches the darkness surrounding them, snapping Castle back to the present.

"She was so different out here, Castle. Less…less lawyer and more mom, I guess. I can still see her standing at the sink in the kitchen washing dishes or sitting out on the porch with my dad at sundown, drinking a gin and tonic and kissing him when she thought I wasn't watching."

Castle chokes a laugh of surprise at that. He and Kate have that to look forward to with Alexis when they get back to the city. Then it dawns on him – they're going back to the city in a couple of days and they'll still be like this. This trip out to the cabin isn't some one-off, special timeout, and then everything goes back to how it was before. This is them. Now. Forever, hopefully.

"Being back here kind of underlines how fragile life can be. One fall break we came out here as a family and my mom was with us just like normal. By the following spring I was calling a neighbor to make sure my dad got home safe from a local bar, feeding him Aspirin and a pint of water at midnight before he could pass out on the couch, and then mopping up vomit when he didn't quite make it to the bathroom in the middle of the night."

"I'm so sorry, Kate," Castle says uncomfortably. "That must have been awful."

Kate waves away his apology as if it doesn't affect her anymore. He knows that it does, she just has more immediate things on her mind.

"I don't want us curtailing each other's lives. You know well enough where my job can take me at times. We both have to find a way to live with that. Not getting busted by Gates so you can keep being my partner is a start. But, Castle, I just want you to know that I hear what you're saying. I promise I won't take unnecessary risks. And…and I don't want us to waste another minute. Okay?"

She dumbfounds him, regularly. He's just realized that that isn't going to change now they're sleeping together. So he just nods and reaches for her hand, giving it a squeeze.

"Your hands are sticky," frowns Kate, lifting their joined fingers to inspect them.

"Marshmallow. If you're good I'll let you lick them," Castle fires back, forcing a surprised bark of laughter from Kate and an amused chuckle from his own chest that echoes out across the water.

The tension between them eases instantly.

"I don't want to control you, Kate," he promises, his voice barely above a whisper. "I just couldn't stand it if anything ever happened to you."

"Then let's take care of each other. Make sure it doesn't," she suggests, squeezing his sticky hand in return.

And though her offer is genuine, it is tempered by the knowledge that sometimes good intentions are nowhere near powerful enough to ensure that bad things don't happen to good people. There is nothing her dad could have done, bar being by her mom's side twenty-four seven, armed to the hilt, to save her the night she was slain. Kate just hopes that she and Castle have the edge in this respect. Their job might inherently be more dangerous, but she is armed, and they have each other's back, and therefore they will be ready in ways that her mother never was and never should have been, when the darkness comes to find them, as surely it will.

"So, what about this romantic stroll you promised me?" teases Kate, bumping him with her shoulder.

"Mm. Not exactly as billed," apologizes Castle, giving her a gentle nudge in return.

"Take me back to the cabin the long way round," she suggests, scrambling to her feet.

"The long way?" repeats Castle, sounding pretty dubious.

"Mm-hmm," nods Kate, grabbing his hand and running off down the dock at such a pace that Castle has to sprint to keep up with her.

She lets go his hand when they reach an ancient looking, shingle-sided boathouse a little further down the shoreline. They're both panting for breath after running on the shifting surface of tiny pebbles and washed up flotsam that rings the entire circumference of the lake.

"This is definitely the long way round," says Castle, one hand pressed to his heaving chest.

Kate nods cheekily, her eyes sparkling. "A romantic detour," she says, tugging on his hand until they're standing right next to the wooden structure.

"To a damp, old boathouse?"

"To my den!" exclaims Kate, fishing her cell phone out of her pocket to use as a flashlight.

The roof of the boathouse is covered with moss, which gleams a rich, damp emerald under the phone's invasive beam of light. The long walls seem to lean out a little, as if weighed down by the weight of nature pressing in from above.

An owl hoots close by and Castle startles. Kate reaches for his arm and they freeze just in time to hear the whoosh of air as it passes close to them, catching just a flash of white when it glides out over the water before turning back and soaring upwards into the tall, dark pines on the hill behind. Soundless and magnificent.

"Had enough excitement for one night?" asks Kate, when she catches Castle's tired looking face in the glow of her phone as he struggles to defeat a huge yawn.

"Can we come back and explore your den tomorrow? In daylight?" he adds, earning a chuckle from Kate.

"Sure," she replies, jerking her head in the direction of the cabin.

Castle follows her sure-footed path through the woods, confident in her knowledge of the uneven terrain.

"Come on," she says, turning to hold out her hand. "Fire should be almost out by now, but we should really make sure before we turn in."

Turn in. Castle likes the sound of that. Going to bed for the night with Kate Beckett in her family's old cabin would have been nothing short of a dream a week ago. Now that he's here, he can't quite believe how lucky he feels.

TBC...

Hope everyone is having a great weekend. Ha! Hope I surprised you, K. ;)