I wake up ten minutes before my alarm is set to ring. I am a little nervous; how do you make up for years of ambivalence over the phone? I shake my unease off, embracing the fact that I won't get what I want unless I take action. I place the call and wait. My mother answers and seems surprised when I ask to speak to Larry. My step-father takes the phone.
"Hello Shaun," Larry greets me from the other side of the world.
Hi, uh, hi Larry," I stutter a bit. I clear my throat to continue. "Do you have a couple minutes, alone?"
"Of course. What's up?" I hear him shuffle to another room and shut the door. I can tell from his tone he's very curious as to why I'm calling him.
"I just had a kind of realization about some things in my life and came to the conclusion that I needed to talk to you, about a few different things," I exhale, relieved to begin the process of letting go of the baggage I hadn't even realized I'd been carrying for years.
"I'm all ears," he replies, and I imagine him sitting back in his chair wondering what his standoffish step-son has to say.
"Well, to put it plainly, I haven't been fair to you. I don't know why specifically—I haven't worked all that out yet—but I never really gave you a chance when you and Mom got together to really uh, bond with me and I certainly could have respected you more," I begin.
"I see."
"Looking back, I feel terrible. I was a jerk teenager but even as an adult, I've been distant and cold when you've tried your best to reach out to me. I've refused your efforts to help me in any way and I hope to begin repairing that. I know you may think it's too late, and you tried your best, and I would understand and respect that decision, but my heart tells me I need to make this right," I spill my guts out to my step-father.
"Sure, Shaun. There's still time. I'm not planning on going anywhere for a long time and would like to know you better." I feel like a load I'd been hauling around for so long that it had just become part of what I was used to carrying is suddenly gone. I feel light enough to float and can breathe better. "May I ask, what prompted this trans-Atlantic phone call?" I could say nothing, I could say this epiphany just happened with no provocation, and he'd believe it, but to honor the spirit of our strengthened and to-be-better familial relationship, I am honest.
"I uh, am seeing someone," I begin.
"Oh, your mother will be glad to hear that. She's been so worried about your emotional and mental state…" I cut him off.
"I'd uh, actually rather you keep this between us for right now," I implore, full-well knowing it's a little early to be invoking a secret trust in our relationship.
"Of course. Mum's the word."
"Thanks. Anyway, I'm seeing someone, and, I know it's early—like, really early—to be thinking of the future, but I am. He's uh, helping raise his nephew, who is the most amazing kid I've ever met. I love this kid and I love his uncle, and I want to take the next steps and be with them permanently. So, when I was thinking about that, it hit me that I'm wanting to join a ready-made family, much like you joined ours, and if the nephew treated me how I did you, it would break my heart. I don't know how you did it."
"I just really hoped you'd come around someday," he explains. "I knew I couldn't replace your dad, and I didn't want to. I realized you were helping out so much that you were practically an adult, so it must have been annoying for this old man who wasn't your father to come around and change things up. I didn't realize you'd be 30 when it finally happened, but I had faith that it eventually would."
"Thank you. For seeing what I couldn't until yesterday. And, I would sort of like your blessing as well…" I begin.
"Shaun, I knew the moment I met your mother that I wanted to marry her. When you know, you know. You've got a good head on your shoulders and have always known what you've wanted and gone after it. Since I've met you, I've admired that quality in you. Your brother doesn't have it and I fear I may have contributed to his lackadaisical outlook on life. You don't need my blessing to take what you want from life; you only need to want it enough." I'm stunned into silence, realizing how much in common I have with this man.
"But, I do want your blessing on one aspect. You know the trust fund you set up for my college education? The one I not-so-nicely told you I wouldn't be touching because I had a scholarship?" He chuckles.
"Yes, I'm familiar with that account. It hasn't been touched in over a dozen years."
"I might need to open it."
"You don't need my blessing for that either son," he says, and for the first time in 13 years, I don't shudder when he uses the term, knowing he uses it as an affectionate title and not an effort to get me to acknowledge he's replaced my dad. "All the paperwork on that was put fully in your name when you turned 25."
"I know, and I'm gathering the forms to work on that, but it was your money so I need your blessing to use it. I don't have the funds to set up a home for a family and moving them to where I am means…" he cuts me off.
"Then you have it, Shaun. I don't care nor am I worried how you spend the money. When I went after your mom, I used every weapon in my arsenal, knowing that while I wasn't the handsomest man around, I could take her out for a nice meal, make her life a little easier. I know she didn't marry me for my money, but I sure made our romance as comfortable as possible. I took what I wanted, and so should you."
"Thanks Larry. I mean it. I didn't know how this conversation was going to end up. And not only have you been more accommodating that I could have hoped for and certainly more than I deserve, you've inspired me and assured me about something I'm obviously nervous and hesitant about."
"You're welcome. You know, I've always been proud to call you my step-son. You're a good man Shaun, and I'm sure this family you're looking to become a part of will be lucky to have you." I swallow and can feel my eyes getting glassy. "I can't wait to meet them. Our family needs a child's laughter. And Lord knows Gabe won't settle down anytime soon." We both laugh for a second thinking about that. "Okay, well if that's all you needed to discuss, I'll let you go son. I need to come up with something to tell Evelyn, who is most likely hyperventilating in the other room, convinced you've been arrested for murder or some such nonsense. I love that woman but she can add drama to the most mundane occurrence. We might need to call Dr. Green if I can't come up with a good story. I hope to see you when we're back in three months, Shaun."
"Oh you will, Larry. Have fun on the rest of your trip and give Mom a hug for me. Bye." I hang up with the biggest grin on my face. I feel charmed. That went so ridiculously well that it gives me hope for the rest of the steps in my plan. I set the alarm on my phone for an early surfing wake-up, set it down, and get back into bed.
I wake up a few hours later, the grin still etched across my face. I jump out of the bed, eager to see Zach. I gather my longboard and a bag with my wetsuit, towel, and other surf equipment, and head to the car. I look at the address Zach texted me and head in that direction. I find the parking lot he referenced and pull in. There are a few hard-core surfers gearing up, and the waves look amazing. I see Zach's Jimmy and park next to it. He's sitting on the tailgate, gearing up. I grab my suit and hop out, sitting next to him.
"Hey Babe," I greet him enthusiastically.
"Hey there yourself. You're awfully chipper this morning," he regards me suspiciously. The other beach-goers have headed for the shore, so I make it obvious I've looked around and the coast is clear, then plant a kiss on his lips.
"I am chipper!" I reply after pulling back. It's a beautiful day, the waves are epic, I'm with someone who does weird things to me, and I do weird things to him too. Is there anything not to be chipper about?" I reply with a smile.
"Did you find Gabe's stash of weed or something? You're never like this in the morning," he asks, confused. And I love the fact that he knows "how I am" in the morning.
"Ha! No. I'm just in a good mood, ready to see your bluff and surf. What do you wanna do first?"
"Uh, let's hit the waves first. They're pounding too hard to pass up, and the bluff will be there after they've died out."
"Then let's do it," I agree. We grab our boards and head to the shore. The waves live up to the hype they received and we paddle out several times before calling it quits. With an hour before he has to leave to get ready for work, we stow the boards and he takes me to his bluff.
Zach is right, it's not anything to look at. An old bale of hay is the only feature. But the view. Oh my. You can see miles of ocean and beach. I can see why he does his important thinking here. It's inspiring. We sit on the straw pile and he looks at me, shyly.
"I told you, it's nothing special," he begins. I place my index finger over his lips.
"It's beautiful. It's amazing. Thank you for sharing this with me," I quietly say. He grabs my face and kisses me.
"I was, uh, here for a while before I came to see you that night," he admits with pink cheeks.
"You were?"
"Yeah, I had convinced myself to just do it while sitting right where you are, and then I went home and saw Jeanne and lost my nerve. Later that night, I was working on a new painting and you popped back into my head. You are the only one who encourages me to paint and I was so mad, you know, that I had let myself chicken out when all I wanted to do was finish what we started on your deck. So I came." I smile, remembering how I thought he might have been drunk or high to do that. But I understand that giddy need to act upon a feeling greater than yourself. Maybe the acting on it makes you seem high to those around you. I now know the feeling well. I grab his hand and squeeze.
"I'm so glad you came that night."
"Yeah, me too." I pull him closer and he leans his head on my shoulder. We sit like that, staring out at the endless ocean, for several minutes before he stirs. "Hey, I gotta get going," he whispers.
"Yeah I know," I reply. "If it's okay with you, I'd like to stay a little longer."
"That's fine. I'll call you later, okay?"
"Okay." He kisses me one last time before heading down to the parking lot. I look at the horizon line where the ocean and the sky meet, working out the next couple steps in my effort to make my family.