*this letter was sent to Zhang Chunhua every time she swore*
Dear Chunhua,
Language. Put a gold coin in the swear jar.
Zhao,
I'm confiscating that. (Cool, how many things can I kill with that... gunblade?)
Chunhua,
Language. Gold coin in the swear jar.
*this gets repeated for 20 times*
Chunhua,
Women shouldn't have those words come out of their mouth, let alone in their vocabulary.
Chunhua,
Men can swear because they're already dirty and impure. Women are supposed to be pure and clean like a baby's bottom.
Chunhua,
I meant it as a metaphor!
Chunhua,
Fine, snow since babies poop a lot.
Chunhua,
Oh, you can say "fudge", "shift", "carp", (Zhuge) "Dan", "cut" and "beach".
Chunhua,
Well, you look like a little girl, might as well cleanse that potty-mouth.
Chunhua,
*actually surprised* Oh. My. GOD! You're 32?! How come I didn't know this?! I thought you were 25, tops! (I can't say she's old since I'M old.) What else are you hiding from me and your character profile?!
Chunhua,
I'm 42.
Chunhua,
*he got the same reaction from her* YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO SAY IT LIKE THAT! At least you could be more discreet about me being old enough to be your father! God! I thought being discreet was your thing!
Xun Yu,
I don't think I would even let you near my dog. And I don't have one.
Xun Yu,
Why do you want to speak with Chunhua? And I find this interaction very very weird and unlikely.
Xun Yu,
If it is something I am thinking of, you're dead.
Chunhua,
What's that smell...? Did someone die and burn in Hell and then came back? Did Zhao use the stove? Why did you let Zhao use the stove?
Xun Yu,
(Ugh, it's worse in here!) Why does your workshop reek of dead kittens and Zhao's "special rice"?
Chunhua,
What are you two keeping from me?! (If it's an affair, I am seriously going to question/judge your awful taste in men. Excluding me since you're stuck with me.)
Cao Cao,
The palace is burning...? Oh! I'll be right over!
Cao Cao,
Remember that time you made an ice castle to protect yourself against Ma Chao? Yeah, just think about that time in order to forget I just turned your palace into an ice sculpture.
Xun Yu,
What were you doing?!
Xun Yu,
Experiment...? Oh, do tell me all about it.
Chunhua,
I was gone for twenty minutes. What do I see? The house looking like Zhao's rice.
Chunhua,
If Zhao did this, why didn't you stop him?!
Zhao,
Now when you pick up a jar of something from the kitchen, it's most likely inedible since this is your mother we're talking about. You do not stick random things in your mouth without making sure it is edible! Have you no common sense?
Xun Yu,
You were making what now?
Xun Yu,
YOU WERE MAKING METH?! WHY?!
Xun Yu,
If you wanted to kill off the demons, maybe try... I don't know... EXORCISING THEM?
Xun Yu,
What did you make Chunhua make that caused my house to look like the chicken that Cao Pi once tried to cook?
Xun Yu,
SHE WAS MAKING METH?! WHY?! WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME?! Damn it, Xun Yu! I hope you become a wreck in Empires!
Xun Yu,
Meth is not easy no matter how much you look at it!
Chunhua,
May I ask WHY did you listen to Xun Yu? Besides him being very very convincing despite looking like a dork.
Chunhua,
(I do not look like a dork! Not by Xun Yu standards!) You forgot what you were doing? What?
Xun Yu,
She doesn't remember doing that stuff...-Oh, you bastard.
Dear Cao Pi,
Here's your first patient, "Doc". *he's referring to Cao Pi's DLC costume in DW8* Go and play doctor with him.
*blood splatter and an indent of someone's head*
Cao Cao,
Who again? Xun Yu was a generic, remember?
Xun Yu,
I'm the controller! Not you! I was the puppet master here before all you bastards were even out of generic hell!
Sima Yi,
You sound like an alternative/rejected commercial slogan for the Kinect.
Xun Yu
*You know those Microsoft Kinect commercials that say "You are the controller"? Yeah, that's the joke Yu here is making*
Xun Yu,
Get smart with me and that baby rattle will puncture your brain. The sharp end.
Xun Yu,
Of course I was angry with you drugging Chunhua, but this was (obviously) much more important. There is only one master manipulator here! Me! Not you! Not Jia Chong! Not Fa Zheng! Not Jia Xu! Not Zhuge Liang! Not anyone! Me!
Xun Yu,
I wish to pull the cord on you, but Cao Pi still wants to pretend he's a "legitimate doctor", so I'll let him kill you.
Shi,
Now, I didn't get a letter from to go meet over there. I require a letter in order from to even enter the palace.
Li Dian,
She was already dead. And I don't feel anything.
Li Dian,
If I did feel things, I would not be the man that you owe all of your victories to. (The only things I can feel are anger, disappointment, and whatever feeling goes on "down there" when you get sexually aroused.)
Li Dian,
Oh? Yue Jin is not with you? You do not need my permission to take my son out to drink. He's not my daughter, he's... his mother's son. So do what you want.
Xu Shu,
How did you escape from the Roman prison...? You don't look like the "escaping" type, but the "I'm going to curl up here and slowly die in here" type.
Xu Shu,
*crooked since he's laughing his ass off*
Y ou... pi cke d the loc...k? Oh, I wonder... wh er e you got that sk ill from...Oh, I can't hold it. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Yeah right! You can't even pick out your own clothes and hair! What makes you think I believe you when you say you picked the prison lock?
Xu Shu,
I thought so. Pang Tong helped you by blowing up the prison. (Why didn't you die in the blast?)
Zhao,
There are millions of fish in the sea. Losing one fish is barely worth crying over.
Zhao,
It depends. What would your mother die of?
Zhao,
Illness, probably be a little sad. Suicide, would not care one bit. Poisoned, maybe depending how she suffered. Strangled, I would feel rather upset she had to die in such a gruesome death. Blown up, same as her being strangled. But these are very very unlikely, excluding the illness one. Everyone has a chance of dying of illness.
Zhao,
What are you willing to give me for Yuanji's revival?
Zhao,
Just because you're my son doesn't mean you get freebies. Everyone pays.
Zhao,
Your mother is the only one who doesn't pay me since she's so bad with giving gifts to me, I don't want anything from her except sex.
(All she has ever given me were this box of shells that exploded in my face *grenades*, "fancy" tea that tasted like pure piss, a whip It does get used. But by her most of the time anyway..., another box of shells that exploded in my face, then on my 30th birthday, she gave me another box that had candy in it, but I got paranoid and tossed it thinking it was the exploding shells, she was pissed, of course, and a sword. But she took that from my weapons closet and regifted it to me, so it doesn't count.)
Father,
WHY DID YOU GIVE ME THAT IMAGE?!
Your son
Zhao,
I'm not going to sugarcoat the fact your mother and I have created you through sexual reproduction. (And I liked it! So tough luck, boy!) You didn't come by stork. Seriously, that is a stupid lie to tell to your children. A bird cannot give you a child unless you somehow mated with one. (Wait, is that possible? If so, that's... ewww...)
Zhao,
Please, your money is technically my money. You would be just giving me my own money back.
Zhao,
An "I love you" is worth shit to me.
Zhao,
Jia Chong? You begged me to revive him before! Now you want him dead again? (Ugh, I bet he tastes like licorice. I hate licorice.)
Zhao,
How about you actually working for once in your (miserable) life?
Zhao,
Okay, I'll perform the ritual now.
Chunhua,
Normally you would be talking like you ate a dictionary for breakfast, but these days your vocabulary is being reduced. Feeling lazy, aren't you?
Chunhua,
That's because my tongue will get tied around like how your wires do with me if I continue to talk like that.
Chunhua,
I don't know, you sound weird when you're talking informally. At least I can change my voice to fit the formality, but for you... It's like trying to jam a square into a circle. It just doesn't fit unless you cut the corners.
Zhao,
You happy now? Now go fetch me a sand-(No. Don't send me food.) -wich for your mother.
Zhao,
You heard me! That was the deal in exchange for Yuanji to have a body back!
Chunhua,
Don't say that out loud! That's my job to say it tastes like shit! You have to make faces based on how you feel about that sandwich Zhao made.
Sima Yi,
But it does taste like shit.
Zhang Chunhua
Chunhua,
Well, at least give him pointers while I yell at him for not having the common sense for making a very simple edible device my grandson could do in his sleep. Also, gold coin in the swear jar.
Chunhua,
Ah, just kidding. You had thirty of years of crap going on around you, I suppose you deserve to let out a few swears out.