A/N: Again, thanks to yankee 1151 for some helpful clips.

Disclaimer: If these characters were mine, they'd be a lot less complicated. So I'm kind of glad they're not mine.

Chapter Thirty-Six: You've Never Been This Far Before

Lilly sighed as she sat, pen in hand, at one of the tables next to the coffee wagon on the second floor, tapping her pen incessantly against the plastic tabletop while she struggled with the form she was filling out. Lilly was sure her pen-tapping was irritating the heavyset guy behind the coffee wagon, but she hadn't bothered to glance in his direction to find out for sure. Nobody else was around, just a few random CSUs heading toward the lab, not giving her so much as a second glance. It was, Lilly thought as she wryly surveyed her surroundings, absolutely perfect.

Lilly hardly ever visited here, the second floor being the domain mostly of the CSUs, and most of the time she was too cheap to actually spend money on coffee, anyway. Granted, the coffee in their office was horrifyingly bad, but it was free, so it had that in its favor. Not much else, but…there was that.

This morning, however, she'd had to flee the squad room entirely to maintain any semblance of sanity. She'd thought that Scotty taking off with Kat for the two-hour round trip to bring in their suspect might possibly ease some of the tension, but it hadn't. Vera and Jeffries had cast repeated curious glances in her direction during the few minutes she'd stayed in the office after Scotty's departure, but neither one of them had dared approach her, and, after sending Scotty and Kat off on their mission, Stillman had headed into his office without further ado and started in on the endless mountain of paperwork that greeted him each morning. One of the perks of being Lieutenant, Lilly had mused drily on more than one occasion.

Even though Scotty was gone, the evidence of his presence had proven to be too much for her. Vera's Hooters mug sat abandoned on Scotty's desk, along with the various paper clutter that constantly clogged all of their workspaces. Lilly noticed, with a stab of bitter amusement, that Scotty hadn't even taken his usual care with the coffee that morning. Normally, he was in the kitchen far longer than any of the rest of them, tinkering with cream and sugar, stirring his coffee incessantly, never quite satisfied with his results, but never totally abandoning his quest for a palatable cup of coffee, either. Scotty and his high-maintenance coffee habits had been something of a running joke for the past couple of years, but this morning…he was drinking it black, with no swirly in sight. Black, just like his soul, she'd groused inwardly.

Lilly immediately checked her uncharitable thoughts, knowing that they weren't true. She knew that deep down, Scotty was a good person…but she also knew that she'd probably never see that side of him again. Not if their exchange that morning had been any indication.

There ain't no "us," Lil…not anymore.

Tears stung Lilly's eyes as she recalled his words, and she flinched as she remembered the way he'd looked at her. Despite the fact that time had passed, the pain hadn't eased in the slightest. She'd been terrified, their whole relationship, that he'd leave her, and here he was, doing exactly that. He was walking away, just like everyone else she'd ever loved.

Not…that she loved him. Oh, no. If she did, she could scarcely imagine how much more this would hurt. It was a good thing she'd managed to keep her heart out of it the whole time, she reasoned. Well…not entirely out, she was forced to admit…but she'd done her best. She'd entered the office that morning prepared to spend the day wrestling with the question of whether or not she loved Scotty, but she realized now, chuckling bitterly as she filled out another line of her form, that that was quite possibly the most pointless question she could be pondering now. He'd made it perfectly clear that it was too late for her, for them. He was done. Not only with their relationship, but he was done with…her. With the friendship they'd crafted from the ground up, had repaired after the Christina debacle, and worked to preserve throughout the time they'd been dating.

But he promised, a little-girl voice in her head whined. Angrily, Lilly wiped away a tear with her left hand as she continued to scribble as best she could through tear-blurred eyes with her right. He'd promised, just like everyone else. And he'd left. Just like everyone else.

Not that she'd helped matters, a surprisingly rational voice piped in through the din of her hurt. She'd fired back with a volley every bit as lethal as his. He'd hit below the belt, the voice acknowledged, but so had she. Lilly knew that Scotty's Achilles heel was his tendency to blame himself for everything, his tendency to make promises he couldn't keep, to have a world of good intentions but to allow his emotions to steer him off course. Maybe he was just lashing out, the voice suggested. Maybe he didn't mean it.

Well, mean it or not, he'd said it, Lilly fumed, and she knew that it could never be the same between them again. Their partnership would be next to impossible, she knew that much. It had been damn difficult to work with him while he was whoring it out with Christina and showing up to work smelling like a brewery, but she'd soldiered on, knowing that they had a job to do, and whether or not she wanted anything to do with Scotty personally, he was her partner, she was his, and they had to work together.

But now...working with him would be impossible, she knew. Work had always been her escape, her refuge, something she could throw herself into to forget about her problems, but now…her partner was her problem, and there'd be no escaping that.

With a start, she realized that Scotty would definitely move on from her. She knew him well enough to know that. Lilly remembered how he'd handled Elisa. He'd been with her for over fifteen years, then had spent all of about five minutes grieving for her before heating up the sheets with Chris. Lilly realized, with a touch of bitterness and what felt terrifyingly close to jealousy, that there wouldn't be a damn thing that would stop him from doing that again. She knew Scotty would hop into the bed of whoever was available, and she wasn't blind. She'd seen that god-awful ADA sniffing around him in the weeks before they'd left for Nashville. Would it be her? Would it be someone he knew from his building, or maybe from his old neighborhood? Would it be some random girl from a bar?

Bile rose in Lilly's throat as she thought of Scotty with someone else, and with a stab of terror, she realized that she couldn't fathom how she would face it. She knew Scotty was probably her last chance at any kind of happiness, but she wasn't stupid enough to think that she was his. Oh, no. Not by a long shot. Despite what had happened that morning, Scotty was good at the relationship thing. Lilly had seen how he cared for Elisa, even at the cost of his own happiness. She knew that, despite his protests, someday he'd come in grinning from ear to ear over someone else, catch hell from Vera and Jeffries about his late-night exploits while secretly loving every minute of it…and then, to Lilly's horror, a particularly revolting image surfaced…an image of Scotty coming in one day with a goddamned wedding ring on his finger.

Yes, some girl would be lucky to have him. But obviously not her.

There ain't no "us," Lil. Not anymore.

And she knew she couldn't watch that. Couldn't sit idly by and watch her last chance at happiness gallivant his way through life with someone else by his side. So that was why Lilly was sitting there, at that isolated table by the second-floor coffee wagon, filling out her request for transfer. She didn't want to leave Homicide completely, she knew that much. Despite what else was going on in her life, she still couldn't stand bastards getting away with murder. She'd dearly miss the squad, would miss solving decades-old crimes, but she realized that going back on the line in Homicide might, in time, prove to be just as satisfying. She'd still be getting murdering scum off the streets, she reasoned. Still be giving justice to families who'd lost loved ones. It wasn't quite the same, and she knew that she'd probably never feel the same about the fresh jobs as she did the cold ones, but Homicide proper had one shining advantage: Scotty wasn't there.

Oh, sure, he'd still be there in the same squad room. But they were all out of the office so much that Lilly figured she'd hardly ever see him, especially if she went back out on the line. She wouldn't have to work with him, she wouldn't have to force a smile when he came in next week with someone new, wouldn't have to pretend to be happy for him when he moved on. She could lose herself in Homicide. She'd try that. And if it didn't work, well, she mused, with a wry chuckle…she'd always heard good things about California.

Her form was filled out in its entirety, minus her signature. For some reason, scribbling through the paperwork, explaining as delicately as she could why she had a sudden burning desire to go back out on the line, hadn't been as difficult as she'd thought it would be, but that little line with "Detective Signature" underneath it might as well have been a sixteen-foot concrete wall, for all the ease she had in scaling it. Signing it made it official. It meant she was really doing this. There was no going back once she'd inked her name on that little line.

A familiar voice interrupted her reverie, and she quickly stashed her form in the envelope she'd brought downstairs with her.

"Rush? What are you doing down here?"

Despite herself, Lilly had to smile as she recognized the voice of Louie, her favorite CSU. Oh, she knew they weren't supposed to have favorites, but she couldn't help it. He had a way about him, a certain panache that always managed to bring a smile to her face whenever she saw him.

"Just…needed some air," she replied weakly.

"And you came to the CSU floor for that?" Louie asked her, his tone indicating he didn't believe her in the slightest. She met his gaze with a smile, but Louie noticed that the smile never quite reached her beautiful sapphire eyes.

"Why so sad today, Rush?" he asked compassionately.

Lilly sighed and looked away. "It's nothing," she answered.

Louie wasn't backing down. He knew Lilly was hurting. He also knew, from years of experience, that she'd probably never tell him why, but he hoped just the same that maybe he could ease her pain, even just a little.

"Trouble in paradise?" he asked softly.

Lilly's head snapped up in alarm. "How'd you know that?" she asked abruptly, cursing her inability to hide her pain.

Louie smiled sympathetically. "It's the evidence, Rush. The look in your eyes. I don't just look at bombs and fires…I know when a woman's heart is broken."

Lilly grinned ruefully, but didn't say a word. Not that he expected her to. After a few seconds, she said, "I'd probably better get back upstairs before they put out an APB on me."

Louie helped her to her feet and walked her to the elevator, pressed the button for her, then gave her arm a sympathetic squeeze. Glancing at Lilly with a dazzling smile, he commented, as the elevator dinged and the doors slid open, "I sure would like to meet the guy who's dumb enough to let you get away."

Lilly smiled in return and glanced then toward the elevator, her blood turning to ice when she realized that its lone occupant…

…was none other than Scotty.

"Oh, hey, Detective," Louie greeted Scotty, and Lilly glanced at Scotty in shock. He'd been sipping coffee and reviewing his notes, but the hollow look in his eyes told her he'd heard every word Louie had just said.

"Louie," he greeted the investigator tersely.

Lilly's heart stopped beating at Louie's next words. "Rush is havin' a rough time today. Take good care of her for me, will ya?"

She braved a glance at Scotty, hoping he'd at least be amused by the irony, but the glittering intensity of his eyes told her he didn't find it funny in the slightest.

"I'll do my best," he replied coldly.

"Bye, Louie," Lilly said with a sigh and another sad smile, as she realized she had no choice but to get on that goddamn elevator. As she stepped forward, she stole another peripheral peek at Scotty, who was taking another sip of his coffee and back to pretending to be buried in the notes he was reading.

So this is how it's gonna be, she mused. Lilly had hoped that maybe, with Scotty being stuck in the car with Kat Miller for a couple of hours, he might return in a more pleasant mood, might do or say something to make her reconsider her decision to transfer. Failing that, she realized, she figured should at least tell him she was leaving, that as soon as she dropped that envelope on Stillman's desk, she'd be moving to the other side of the room, be one of those semi-anonymous other detectives that bustled in and out, and they'd never have to deal with one another again. She also thought that maybe, since this could, essentially, be their goodbye, that maybe she should offer him some words of farewell. He really had been a great partner…up until that day, he'd been wonderful. Better than she'd ever hoped. She couldn't even think about how to say goodbye to him as her boyfriend, but it seemed she'd already done that, despite the fact that she'd spent the night second-guessing that decision for some reason she couldn't quite put her finger on.

Lilly took a deep breath and opened her mouth to try to say something, anything, to dissolve the horrible awkwardness between them, the tension so thick she needed a machete to cut through it, but nothing came. She glanced over at Scotty and noticed the stubborn set of his shoulders, the clenching of his jaw, the tight line of his lips, all of which told her that nothing she could say would ever bridge the gap between them. She realized, in a flash, that Scotty's ability to hold a grudge had never occurred to her. She wasn't the only one in Homicide with walls, and it looked like she was forever going to be on the outside of his. She didn't blame him, really. She knew herself how badly it hurt to love someone and have them leave you, and she wished with all her heart that there was some way to change things, some way to get past her barricades…but what good would it do now? After all she'd gone through the previous night, he wouldn't even look in her direction. It was too late for her…for them. Sighing inwardly, she turned away.

Scotty, for his part, tried desperately to keep his eyes on the notes in front of him. If his eyes were there, he reasoned, perhaps some portion of his brain would be there, too. But it was no use. Kat had admonished him to apologize, and for all his tendency to blame himself for everything, apologizing didn't come easily to him. It never had. But he knew, in his heart of hearts, that an apology was necessary. He'd hurt Lilly badly, he could tell that much from the way she stared straight ahead, not even bothering to look in his direction. I'm sorry, Lil, he wanted to say. I was hurt, and I just wanted to hit back. It's over between us, and I'm transferrin' out so I don't keep hurtin' you, so I don't have to see the woman I love every single day knowin' I can't ever be with her, but I wanna end on at least sort of a good note. I wanna apologize, make it all water under the bridge, and then maybe, someday, when I see you again, maybe we can look back with fond memories at this…experiment…I guess, that didn't work out. Maybe, if he groveled enough, he realized, there was a slight chance he could move on from groveling to a touch of humor, because that encounter with Louie, he was forced to admit…had been somewhat funny. At least there's somebody in this goddamn building that doesn't know our business, he wanted to say. Maybe he could at least get a tiny bit of a smile to remember her by.

But as he looked over at Lilly and opened his mouth to speak, he realized that any and all attempts at apologizing or diffusing the situation with humor would fall on deaf ears. She was still boring holes through the elevator doors, willing that metal box to move faster, to get her the hell out of this situation. She wouldn't even acknowledge his existence.

Figures, he thought bitterly. I want a smile to remember her by, not that I'm gonna need any help rememberin' her, goddammit, and all I get's the Ice Queen Look. He almost laughed at the bitter irony as he turned back to his notes. Prob'ly a more accurate way to remember her anyhow, he concluded as the doors opened and Lilly stepped briskly out of the elevator without so much as a backward glance.

Moving in a daze, Lilly blew through the squad room like a hurricane. Miller wasn't there, she noticed, and neither was Jeffries. Vera was the only one in, but he was still clicking away at his computer, seemingly oblivious to everything. She expected Scotty to follow her back in, but she didn't see him, and after a few seconds, realized that this was her chance. This was that final push she needed to scrawl her signature across the bottom of that goddamned form and get it on Boss's desk before anybody could see her or ask her what the hell she was doing. Decision made, she pulled the envelope from her pocket, fumbled with the flap, fished the form out, and slapped it on her desk. She checked it over once more, not really bothering to read what she'd written, then scribbled her signature across that line, stuffed it back into the envelope, sealed it closed, and took it into Stillman's office. Pausing briefly to wonder, just for a moment, if maybe she was overreacting, she then set her jaw and dropped the envelope on the desk, where it landed right next to an identical one, also blank on the outside, and as yet unopened.

With a defeated sigh, Lilly turned, headed out of the office and immediately pushed open the door to the balcony, where she stepped outside and leaned her arms on the concrete railing, wringing her hands and watching the cars swish by on the street below.

She wasn't sure how long she stood there, the soft breeze blowing her hair, her mind devoid of any coherent thought except for that feeling she had, that burning anger and searing pain that enveloped her whole heart. So wrapped up was she in her own misery that she didn't even hear the door to the office open, just a pair of shuffling footsteps and the nervous clearing of a throat. Lilly glanced behind her to note, with some surprise, that Vera had joined her on the balcony. Sighing, she turned back to face the street, bracing herself for another round of Casanova-related teasing from her colleague, but none came. He just shuffled up and stood next to her.

They stood in silence for a few moments, Vera gathering his courage. He'd been summoned to this spot once before, when he'd had to talk Scotty down off the ledge after the unmitigated disaster that was the Ana Castilla job. Truth be told, as absorbed as he was in gossip and as obsessed as he was with finding out the details of his colleagues' lives, Nick Vera usually didn't want to get involved in their problems. But his discomfort at being called upon for advice or support was superseded by his fear of losing his family. Ever since Julie had left, if not even before, he'd begun to think of the six detectives as family. They'd been through so much together, he reasoned, that it was hard not to. And when something threatened the peace and harmony of that family, well…Vera was on edge. The whole mess with Christina had disconcerted him, and Josie Sutton's arrival shortly thereafter, when the squad was still getting back on its feet after Scotty's unimaginable stupidity, had terrified him. If he'd been brutally honest with himself, Vera would have been forced to admit that he knew his marriage was over, and so his frantic efforts to keep peace in the squad, he supposed, were compensation for his failures to keep peace in his own home. Not that he'd really given it that much thought. But as he'd seen Lilly brush through the squad room, flit into Stillman's office for a moment, and then head out for the balcony, he knew she needed him. He knew that, if the squad was ever going to get back to normal, Scotty and Lil needed to patch things up.

With a sinking heart, Vera realized that, no matter how things turned out with them, though, the squad as he knew it was forever changed. If Rush and Valens got back together romantically, that'd be great for them and all, but Vera wasn't stupid. He knew that one or the other of them would likely be transferred out, or, at the very least, they'd have to change partners, which meant, in all likelihood, that Vera wouldn't be paired with Jeffries anymore. But if they didn't get back together, there was no doubt going to be some frostiness, a la Christinagate, and Vera wasn't looking forward to that, either.

Even more than his craving for stability, though, Vera had to admit, in his heart of hearts, which he didn't visit very often, that he wanted his friends, his family, to be happy. And Rush and Valens together…well…there was no denying that they made each other happy. Valens had been grinning so much the past few weeks that Vera thought the man could get a nice side gig in a toothpaste commercial, and the way Lil had been blushing and sneaking shy smiles…well, that was pretty damn adorable. Vera had never seen Lilly Rush truly happy before, and he had to admit that it warmed his heart. So if his co-workers could find a way to be happy again…then whatever happened, Vera supposed he could live with that.

Decision made, he turned to face Lilly. "Man, what is it about this spot?" he asked lightly.

Deep in thought, Lilly had almost forgotten anyone else was standing there on that balcony with her, and she glanced up in surprise. "What?" she asked blankly.

"Never mind," Vera muttered.

He took a deep breath and continued. "So you and…Casanova…finito, huh?"

"Looks that way," Lilly said with a sigh.

"Too bad," Vera replied lightly. "You guys were good together."

Lilly glanced up in shock. "How'd you know that?" she demanded.

Vera smirked. "'Cause I know both of you."

Lilly's heart sank instinctively, but then she realized, with a sense of bitter irony, that it really didn't matter. Another few days, and she'd be out of the cold case squad, and they could gossip about her to their heart's content. Lilly Rush, former hardass, who turned soft and slept with her partner. That Rush, she really gets around.

She sighed. "Well, I'm just a lone wolf cop now."

"Lone wolf cop?" Vera echoed, frowning in confusion.

"Something …someone said once," she continued with a wave of her hand. "Every good cop is a lone wolf."

Vera chuckled. "Y'know, that expression really don't make a helluva lot of sense anymore," he remarked. "Lone wolf."

Lilly couldn't help but be curious, and she glanced at Vera with intrigue shining from her blue eyes. "Yeah?" she asked.

Vera nodded. "Funny thing about wolves is…they travel in packs. And," he added significantly, glancing in her direction, "they mate for life."

Lilly paused for a minute, mulling over her colleague's words. "You sure know a lot about wolves," she finally commented, grinning slightly.

"Nah…it's this guy we interviewed from the paper company. He's the wolf expert. I just pay attention," Vera replied with a smirk.

Lilly sighed again, and she and Vera were silent for a few minutes.

"Then why'd Scotty have to go and…say what he said?" she demanded softly, and for a second, Vera thought she was mostly talking to herself. Still, though…it was out there. Fair game.

"What'd he say?" Vera asked, a rarely heard compassion coloring his voice.

"I told him we could get through this…'cause we're us…and he said there ain't no us anymore," she replied, silently cursing the hot tears that pricked her eyes yet again.

"Talk about shootin' yourself in the foot," Vera muttered indignantly. Of all the stupid-assed stunts Scotty Valens had pulled, this one had to be just about tops.

"So…mate for life or not, it's over with him," she said, with a sense of defeat and resignation.

"Don't be too sure," Vera answered quickly, glancing in her direction, hoping his words got through.

Lilly turned to look at him, the disbelief etched on her face. "Yeah? How?"

"Scotty's…well…an unbelievable jackass when he's in pain," Vera explained with a shrug. "Does stupid things. You know that as well as I do." He gave her a significant glance then, one that told her he was thinking of one particular stupid thing Scotty had done when he was in pain. And that particular thing, Lilly realized…they'd overcome. They'd both had to fight for it, but they'd overcome it.

"Think that's all it was?" she asked, the tiniest bit of hope beginning to blossom in her heart.

"He really loves you, Lil," Vera replied softly. "And…I think you love him."

Vera thinks I love Scotty? Lilly's mind whirled momentarily with this bombshell. Nick Vera…thinks I'm in love with Scotty?

"That doesn't matter now," she replied softly, dismissing the idea with a wave of her hand, the hope disappearing as quickly as it came. "It's over…he'll never forgive me."

"Don't know unless you try," Vera replied matter-of-factly. "And since when does Lilly Rush give up on anything? We're the goddamn cold case squad. It's never over. Not 'till that box is on the shelf, marked CLOSED. And your box ain't closed…not by a long shot."

He was about to say more, but his cell phone rang just then, and he answered it and had a brief, monosyllabic conversation with the person on the other end.

Lilly's head was spinning with the enormity of the realization that maybe it wasn't over…maybe they could work through this…maybe…

Vera flipped his phone closed and interrupted her train of thought. "That was Boss. Shawn King's ready for his interview with Scotty…you want in?"

Lilly smiled. "No, you go ahead. I think I'll…sit this one out," she replied.

Vera shrugged, grunted noncommittally, and headed back in for the interview. He'd done all he could; if those two wanted to keep sniping at each other for the rest of their lives, there really wasn't much he could do about it. Besides, he had a doer to arrest. And, he realized with a smile…another donut to eat.

Lilly's eyes widened as the thoughts tumbled around in her head. Scotty Valens really was the king of doing stupid things when he was in pain. Hadn't he almost flushed his career down the toilet after Elisa's death? Sleeping with his partner's sister had been stupid, but drinking on the job had been borderline career suicide.

With an enormous thud she could almost feel, Lilly realized, with certainty, that Scotty was doing that exact same thing now. Granted, he hadn't been drinking, as far as she knew, and she hoped to God he hadn't been sleeping with someone else, but…that comment that morning in Stillman's office certainly qualified. Vera had said as much. She'd told him what Scotty had said, and Vera had almost shrugged it off as inconsequential, something that shouldn't affect the course of the rest of her life. Now, Lilly knew Nick Vera well enough to know that he didn't shrug off legitimate offenses; he'd been after Scotty like a mother hen trying to get him not to sleep with Chris. She knew that, despite Vera's outward gruffness and affected nonchalance, he really did care about his friends, and he hated seeing any of them get hurt. So if Vera thought Scotty's comment was just the result of him being in pain and lashing out, well…she couldn't very well ignore that, now, could she? Scotty was lashing out in an effort to spread around some of his emotional pain. While that didn't erase the hurt he'd inflicted on her, it did, at least, explain it.

It explained him drinking and sleeping with Christina, too, come to think of it. Lilly realized that, much like this morning, the "he's lashing out because he's in pain" explanation certainly didn't excuse Scotty's actions, but it did offer a reason. Sleeping with Christina certainly didn't mean that Scotty didn't love Elisa, Lilly knew him better than that. Elisa was his soul mate, his childhood sweetheart, his onetime fiancée. She knew that his downward spiral that spring had just been because he was so lost and broken over Elisa's death…over the fact that she'd left him.

Lilly's eyes widened as she realized that she had done the same thing to Scotty. Of course, she wasn't about to take her own life, wasn't about to leap off a bridge, but she did break his heart the day before, there was no denying that. Scotty wasn't leaving of his own accord…he was leaving because she'd given him no other choice.

And the discoveries continued to unfold as Lilly stood, wide-eyed, as all the thoughts she'd been struggling to bury came forth with a vengeance; they whizzed by so rapidly that she couldn't even refute them. They didn't give her enough time. She'd forgiven Scotty for Christina, her thoughts reminded her. She'd forgiven him back then, when he'd apologized the first time, and she'd forgiven him a second time, in New York, when it had threatened to come between them once more. She remembered how she'd stormed out of Scotty's hotel room, and could have easily fled New York and hopped a train back to Philly, cut her losses, and ended things with him then and there.

But that idea…leaving…had never even crossed her mind.

Lilly's heart raced as she realized that she'd never even considered ending things with Scotty that night; no, her tossing and turning was out of…loneliness. She missed Scotty that night. And her jumbled thoughts had been not figuring how to get out of the relationship…but how to stay in it.

And…they'd worked through it. They'd talked about a lot of painful things, they'd been honest with each other, they'd confessed their hurts, they'd apologized, and they'd forgiven each other.

Why? Lilly wondered. Why, when I could have run away…why did I stay?

She tried running away when she hopped on that early plane back from Nashville, Lilly recalled. But it hadn't worked. It had bought her some time, it had made her realize that, like it or not, things between the two of them had changed. But instead of running, she'd faced up to the fact that she was hopelessly addicted to Scotty. At the time, she'd thought it was just about sex, but now…Lilly realized with a force that nearly knocked her backwards, that she'd had…feelings for him. Even back then.

I didn't run away…because I had feelings for him? she mused in disbelief, but the memories refused to let up, and the evidence was mounting. Her thoughts, almost of their own accord, raced through her mind and forced her to pay attention to them. They wouldn't let her run, they wouldn't let her hide, they demanded her undivided attention. Memories surfaced that, had she not been so dumbfounded by the direction her mind was taking her, would have overwhelmed her with pain. But she didn't even have time to absorb the hurt.

That first weekend. Lilly could have kicked Scotty out first thing Saturday morning…but she didn't.

Their first date. She could have run…she could have just not gotten in that car…and she certainly could have used the ghost of Elisa as an excuse to leave. But she didn't.

When their co-workers started to get curious, did she bolt? No.

When Scotty punched out McBride for what he'd said to her…did she call things off? No…they worked through them.

Why? Lilly wondered. Why had neither one of them cut and run at the first sign of trouble?

Well, Scotty hadn't run away…because he was invested in their relationship. Because he wanted it to work.

Because…he loved her.

And Lilly realized, with a final, shuddering whump of reality, as though her heart had finally struggled through the mountains of excuses and rationalizations in which she'd tried to bury it and burst forth to wallop her with the inevitable conclusion…

…that she loved Scotty Valens.

She loved him.

When had she fallen in love with him? She didn't know.

How had she fallen in love with him? She didn't care.

Suddenly, all the whirling thoughts crystallized into that one, shining nugget of truth. Lilly couldn't even try to deny it, because she realized, she'd been trying to do just that for the last few weeks, at least…and that hadn't worked. The shrieking voices stilled, the racing thoughts stopped, and everything became crystal clear.

She loved Scotty. Truly, and completely. She knew it in her bones.

Tears spilled over once more as Lilly cradled her head in her hands and wept with joy, regret, and fear.

Joy…because she loved him.

Regret…because she hadn't figured it out soon enough to avoid breaking his heart.

Fear…because now…now that she knew she loved him…she had to tell him.

Could she overcome her terror enough to do that? Would Scotty even listen to her?

Only one way to find out, Lilly realized, as she yanked the door open and headed back into the squad room.

A/N: Now we're getting somewhere!