Disclaimer: Anything you recognize is not my own, yadda yadda yadda. I'm not making any money off of this. (Though I wish I could.)
A/N: Warning. Strong adult content. This may actually be what bumps this story to an "M" rating. While its not overly graphic in nature, it's still sex. But this one has some important dialogue to it, so I'm keeping it in the main story.
Also, fair warning. I havent seen BotFA yet. Shame on me, I know, but I have a job, two kids, and a zoo of animals. Hard to find time for the movies. That being said.. I know the entire plot and have seen numerous clips. Bare with me if I fudge up on something obvious, but for the most part, here on out will vary from the movies and books.
While Thorin's initial response to our reunion had been sweet and loving, it did not take long for him to become withdrawn once more. He threw himself at the task of clearing away the worst of the damage done by years of neglect, misuse, and the dragons rein, and he set everyone else to their own tasks. Some were to set about immediately fixing the essentials, like the bathrooms and one of the many kitchens. Others cleared away debris. And the rest, like myself, fell to checking the great stores for anything salvageable.
After the nightmare I had about Fili dying, I began to dread sleeping. Too often did I dream of some horrible fate in which one of them, or more, would end up dead or dying. I threw myself into whatever tasks I could, from mending clothes to sorting through closets and chests. Even at night, when we all gathered and stories were told or songs were sung, I would work on, doing all that I could to keep my mind busy so that I didn't have to lie awake and think, or worse, sleep only to wake in a cold sweat.
I found myself in such a position a few days later. I had dreamt of our stand against Azog back before Beorn's and while most of it played out as I remembered, the notable difference was that the eagles had not come and I had to watch as, one by one, the dwarves and hobbit fell before me. Azog held me cruelly by my throat, forcing me to watch as their heads were mounted on spikes outside the walls of Erebor.
I awoke, flailing, with someone holding my arms. I threw myself forward as hard as I could, knocking my would-be foe backwards as I straddled them, one boot planted firmly on the ground, my knee planted on their chest, my left hand grabbing their shirt and my right curled into a fist. I was breathing heavy, my heart pounding and when, finally the haze of my nightmare cleared, I realized that I was actually straddling Thorin's chest. His eyes were opened wide in shock and I felt myself color in embarrassment. I quickly let go and backed away, sitting back on my heels.
I glanced around hurriedly to realize that everyone was staring on, similar looks of shock on their faces. It would have been hysterical, given the fact that everyone was eating breakfast and, some of them, like Bilbo, were mid bite, their mouths dropped open and forks hovering in midair…. But I was too busy trying to calm my racing heart to laugh.
"Remind me never to wake you," Fili said from my left. Thorin sat up slowly, a mixture of surprise and concern on his face.
"I'm sorry, Thorin." I said, groaning. "It was just a bad dream. I didn't mean to.."
"Did you think you harmed me?" He said, a small smirk on his lips. "You are much too small to do too much damage. You are quick, I will give you that. You merely caught me off guard. I am the one to apologize. I did not realize how deeply you dreamed."
Now that my heart was not in my throat, I sat back on my ass and rubbed my eye irritably at Thorin's small comment.
"Here," Bilbo said, passing me a plate. It was a porridge of some sort and I set about picking at it slowly, finding that I did not have much of an appetite after my incredibly vivid nightmare.
After breakfast was cleaned up, Thorin approached me for the first time in days. He hesitantly touched my shoulder and I turned to look at him, heart aching that he was suddenly so close. Despite the crown and royal raiment, he looked more today like the old Thorin than usual, and the relief I felt was palpable. I had begun to worry about him as the days passed, watching as the bags under his eyes deepened and the smiles that I had had come to expect died on his lips.
"Will you walk with me?" He asked softly. I nodded and took his hand when he offered it to me. He began to lead me down the corridors to a set of short stairs. Upon climbing them, we reached a hallway that was filled with ornately carved doors. Many of them were only partly closed and I peeked into the rooms as we passed by. Some were simple bedrooms, others were obviously bathrooms. They were dark and cold and I shivered as I realized the occupants had, more than likely, died long ago.
We finally stopped in front of a closed door and I realized that a flickering light came from under the door. Thorin swung it open and gently pushed me inside. As I stepped in, he leaned on the door frame behind me.
The room was very spacious and filled with finely carved furniture. A large dresser sat against a wall to the right of the door. A large cabinet, its doors still open to show what I assumed to be a weapons storage area, was to the left. Across from us was a hugely carved wooden bed with furs piled high on it. Matching nightstands stood to either side. Another wall held a bookcase, carved into the stone with care, huge volumes still in place. Various carvings and trinkets sat amongst the books.
Across from that was a small fireplace, flames dancing within, a fine painting above it. I stepped closer to study it. In the center was an unfamiliar dwarf, dressed finely in royal clothing, a gleaming gold crown on his head, no doubt Thorin's grandfather. To his left was Thrain, dressed just as finely with a less elaborate crown. Next to him, a younger dwarf who, despite trying to appear serious, was smiling slightly. I narrowed my eyes as I took in the resemblance to Fili and Kili, and realized that it had to have been Thorin's brother. He was dressed handsomely and he, too had a small crown on his head. To the far right stood Thorin, wearing a black shirt and a dark blue doublet over the top, a belt cinched tightly at his waist. A crown nearly identical to his brothers sat atop his fully black and complicatedly braided hair, his face so much more relaxed and full of life.
I took in the whole picture, smiling slightly at the sight of a younger Thorin. My smile faltered, however, when I raised my eyes to the depiction of the Arkenstone on the throne above Thror's head.
"As you may have surmised, these were my rooms," Thorin said quietly, finally coming to stand behind me. "I remember the day well when my grandfather had this painting commissioned. The artist was a Man, you may be surprised to find. He was so nervous it is truly amazing he managed to paint so finely."
Thorin gazed on the painting distantly.
"It took six days for the painting to be finished. I remember how irritated I was at the braids in my hair. It took my mother ages to get them the way she wanted them. And, oh, how angry she was when I took them out the second the commission was complete!"
I watched him stray forward slightly and I frowned when I noticed he was eyeing the painted jewel.
"Though… as fine a painter as that Man was…. He still could not come close to capturing the beauty of the Arkenstone…" He trailed off then glanced back at me. "The Arkenstone is the kings' jewel. Found in the very heart of this mountain. When it was found, my grandfather took it is a divine providence, proof of his right to rule. It was his decree that no dwarf was to ever sit the throne who did not, the Arkenstone, posess."
"The right to rule doesn't come from a stone. Your people already follow you without it." I said softly, an uncomfortable tightness in my chest. Thorin's brow furrowed and he shook his head.
"You do not understand. When you finally lay your eyes upon it…" He let out a long sigh of near yearning. "You will see."
I didn't answer. I shivered and I tugged his cloak tighter around my shoulders. Though it was very much warm in here I knew I shivered less from the cold and more from the dread of hearing such longing in Thorin's voice. He frowned when he saw me tremble and came to stand behind me, gently wrapping his arm around my waist. He nestled his face against my neck and sighed softly. The intimacy of the gesture bit at me and I turned to face him.
"You've been very distant," I finally said. He furrowed his eye brow and pulled away.
"I have not meant to be." He admitted after a moment. "Before, I had but two things on my mind. To keep the members of this company safe and to reclaim Erebor from Smaug. Now that the quest is complete… I find myself pulled in many directions."
"Such as?" I asked slowly, prompting him.
"How to even begin to make right what the dragon wronged. To make these halls once more fit for life. Brining my people home. The gold."
I frowned and bit my lip. I hated the way his face darkened whenever he mentioned anything to do with the treasure, but it was gone quick enough. Tired eyes looked up at my face, studying me.
"And you, Talya? I do not think I've seen you so tired in all of our journey. What haunts you so?"
I worried at my lip again, not really wanting to admit to the nightmares but Thorin knew me better than I thought.
"Whatever you tell me will not make me think less of you." He prompted.
"Just nightmares." I finally said. "Most of the time I don't even remember what they are when I wake up."
That last part was a lie, but if Thorin noticed he did not say anything.
"I truly am sorry that I scared you so. When you began to thrash around in your sleep, Oin was concerned you might tear your stitches again. I only wished to keep you from harming yourself."
"I know and thank you. I'd say sorry again for knocking you on your ass, but apparently it didn't bother you." I said dryly. He let out a sigh and glanced around.
"To be truthful… I did not realize you were so strong. Granted, had I been prepared, I do not think you could have pushed me over. But the speed in which you moved… I must admit that I am rather impressed."
"I don't know whether to thank you for complimenting me or yell at you for underestimating me." I replied, crossing my arms lightly.
"I did not underestimate you. I have stopped setting limits on what I believe you are capable of because, somehow, you always prove me wrong." He said bluntly. The honesty of his words surprised me and for a moment I was dumbfounded.
"There is something I did underestimate, however." The words were much softer spoken.
"And that would be?"
"Your affect on me. Being so close to you after so many days apart…" He trailed off and shook his head. "I have missed you. Your voice. Your touch. Your warmth."
His voice turned husky and I felt flush. He came to me, then, tugging my arms gently down from their crossed positions. He brushed his knuckles against my cheek and I closed my eyes at the soft touch. When I opened them and met his, there was a sudden lust there that consumed me. I felt heat pool and I leaned forward to kiss him. He watched me with heavy eyes until the first brush of my lips, and then we were both lost, our tongues mingling and our breaths coming in soft pants.
Where before, Thorin had been patient, now he was nearly frantic. Our shirts were off and he had me pressed to the bed before I had even realized we moved and soon the rest of our clothes followed. It was the first time we had been fully naked together and for a moment, we just looked at each other before falling back to an impassioned embrace.
When he finally entered me, I cried out at the suddenness. Our first time he had been so careful to prepare me and now, he was fighting to sheath himself within me. He had paused only long enough for me to urge him on.
We moved together at a near frantic pace, hips thrusting hard and fast, our tongues and lips meeting only to dance away again as we moaned.
I had already come undone twice when I felt him begin to waiver. I knew he was close and, unlike last time, my mind snapped to the reality of what he was about to do, inside of me. My cycle had never been regular to begin with, and with the stresses and strain of our travels, my period had been non-existent, which I had been grateful for. I knew the likelihood of me having fallen pregnant the first time was slim to none, but if this was going to be a regular thing…
"Thorin…" I moaned softly. "You have to… stop.."
He gave a particular hard thrust and I cried out.
"Why in Mahal's name…?" He growled. My words faltered and I sputtered a moment before I finally just spit it out.
"Not in me."
He groaned and dropped his head to my shoulder. His pace quickened and for a moment I thought he was going to ignore me when he suddenly pulled out and finished himself off.
Abruptly, he stood and began to get dressed.
"Thorin…?"
He ignored me and began to pull on his trousers. Once he was tucked away, his boots came next. I sat up, feeling suddenly self-conscious that I was naked. It made me angry that he would not even look at me and I tugged one of the musty furs up so that it covered me.
"Thorin." I said louder, my voice now holding a bite to it. When he finally looked my way, he dropped his hand, his shirt grasped tightly in his fingers.
"Talk to me." I said softly. His nostrils flared a moment and I realized that he was angry.
"Is the thought of bearing a child to me truly so wretched?" He finally demanded. The hurt in his voice startled me, and it felt as though he had dumped a bucket of cold water over my head.
"No. That's not it," I said quietly, closing my eyes and running my hand over my very messy hair.
"Then tell me what it is."
I didn't know what to tell him. I was so scared of what I knew was coming that I wasn't even sure I should still let myself feel for him, let alone sleep with him. I felt tears come to my eyes and I wiped them away, frustrated.
"Talya. Tell me." Thorin said again, walking closer. This time his voice held concern.
"I don't even know where we stand," I whispered. I hated that I sounded so small.
"What do you mean?" He asked. He came to sit next to me on the bed, the anger having all but fled from him.
"What are we to each other?" I said bluntly, glancing down at my hands which I had fisted tightly into the blanket.
"I told you that night in Lake Town that I wished for you to be at my side."
"I know. But at what capacity? You are the King of Erebor, Thorin. You need a queen and if you think I could be happy being your mistress or whatever… That I could watch you marry another and have her bear you heirs…" I trailed off, my voice failing me. He looked at me sharply and then let out a long sigh.
"Oh, Amrâlimê." He breathed out. He turned and gripped my chin in his hand lightly. "How could you think I would ever treat you as such?"
I didn't answer and instead, shamelessly let tears fall from my eyes. Thorin's next words came so softly that I did could, at first, scarcely believe he said them at all.
"I would have you as my queen, and no other."
I jerked my head up at him, surprised. His eyes were tender and he was watching me carefully.
"I have had lovers in the past. I have denied many marriages as fathers thrust their daughters at me, eager to have their families wed into the royal line of Durin." He sighed. "But not once have I ever felt the way I do now."
I couldn't speak, my heart aching at his admission.
"We have known each other for a scant six months and I know that I acted terribly towards you. Looking back, I can not believe that I was ever such a fool." He shifted and I realized how uncomfortable this was for him and how out of character it was for him to be so open about his emotions.
"I would have you as my wife, Talya. As my queen. I want to be the sire of your children, and for us to share these halls together until we pass from this world." He finished finally before falling silent. I realized that it was, for all intents and purposes, a proposal. I felt tears sliding down my cheeks freely and I once again thought about how unfair this all was.
"Thorin," My voice cracked and I swallowed. "I love you."
The words were blunt and now it was his turn to look at me in surprise. We had never said those words directly before and I hated the thrill that went through me.
"I don't think that, even now, were we to stop whatever is we are doing that I could ever love anyone else the way I love you."
He frowned then, sensing the obvious hesitation.
"But I can't be your queen. Look at how Dwalin reacted to find out that we lay together. I am a woman of Man and you are a dwarf. They will never accept me as anything other than your play thing and surely any son I bore to you they would never accept as your heir."
"They would come to see your worth, just as I did. I swear to you." He replied. "Children are much beloved by dwarves as they are so rare. Any that you bore to me would be accepted with open arms. And no doubt if we were to have a son, he would be as fierce and stubborn as his mother. My people would love him as much as they will come to love you."
Thorin glanced down at his lap and, with the way he was sitting, all I could see was him doing was tugging at one of his fingers. After a moment, he turned back to me. He took my left hand in his and slowly pressed something heavy and metal into the palm of my hand. When he pulled away, I looked down to find his heavy iron cast ring there, his runic initials carved in thick relief. I looked up at him questioningly.
"I have had this ring ever since battles end at Azanulbizar, back when I first became known as Oakenshield. While it is not the priceless gems that you deserve, I wish for you to have it all the same. It means much to me."
"And if I accept it?" I said softly. He offered a very small smile.
"Then you accept me." He replied simply. He picked up the beautiful red cloak he had been wearing and quickly tore a long and thin swatch of fabric off of it. He picked the ring up from my hand and quickly thread it through the cloth and tied the ring off in the center. I knew I shouldn't take it. I knew that I should not accept this proposal, not when I knew just how far he would fall. Not when I knew he was supposed to die.
But sitting there in his old rooms, hearing him open himself to me so freely and watching the Thorin I had grown to love look upon me as though I was the most important thing in the world to him, the Arkenstone forgotten … I could not find it within me to say no.