CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX

"I think I'm ready." I looked over at Esme; she was sitting next to the dying embers from the fire we built last night. I finished getting out of the tent, coming to stand next to her, rubbing my hands together for warmth. I wasn't sure how long we'd been here, but it had helped. I woke up every morning now, happy to just exist. Esme had been a lifesaver more than once. I knew I wasn't that scared, angry, confused girl that had come out here in July.

"Only if you're sure." She looked at me; I put the kettle on the fire, needed to heat up hot water to make breakfast. "Do you think you're ready?"

I shook my head, "Yeah, I do." I surprised myself at how strongly I felt those words, how true they were. Out here Esme had really pushed me, forced me to face what had happened, to talk about it, even when I didn't want to. No matter what I said, what I did, how I acted or reacted she stayed with me. There were many nights that all I did was sit next to here and sob. There were days that I didn't say a word, too caught up in my own thoughts. She forced me to my limits, as far as I thought I could go, then a little further.

It was hard, dealing with the sadness, feeling like I was losing a part of myself, then the guilt and shame of knowing how wrong it all was. I was just a confused mess. Through it all, she was there, everything that I needed.

It hadn't all been talking and emotions in Glacier, I had known of course, that Esme liked the outdoors, I just hadn't realized how much. She taught me to kayak, laughing at me as I tipped, repeatedly while learning. She tried to teach me how to climb, but since she didn't use equipment when she climbed it was difficult for her to show me how to use it. We hiked, man did we hike. It was great; there were weeks that I never saw anyone but Esme, Carlisle, and the week with Emmett and Jasper.

Carlisle and Esme decided to pay a courtesy call to Tonya and her group in Denali so Emmett and Jasper volunteered to come up and 'babysit' me. Carlisle thought it was a great idea; Jasper could help me work on my 'gift.' Seeing as how his was the most similar in that we both had the ability to influence others, him emotionally, me physically. With Emmett I think it was a combination of wanting to get out of the house, do some hunting, spend time with me, and not really wanting to leave me alone with Jasper.

The week with Emmett and Jasper could only be classified as unique. When the three of them arrived at the campsite Esme and I were staying that week the first thing I did was liberate them from their jackets. I knew the weather wouldn't bother them, but I hadn't been warm since I got there. Carlisle had brought me flannels, hats, and gloves, but it still wasn't enough to cast the chill aside. I made the mistake of complaining that I was getting tired of eating dehydrated meals. Emmett decided to bring a caribou to camp, telling me that I could roast it. I tried to politely decline, but Jasper offered to do the butchering. The steaks were delicious, but I don't think it was worth the images I had of Jasper and Emmett butchering it and deciding to have a 'gut fight'. Thankfully the campsite was close to water and they could bath.

I swear the two of them together without their wives or other adult supervision was like living in a frat house. It was great; it was like being a kid. Most mornings I would work with Jasper, learning how to clear my mind, to focus on what I was doing, focusing on what I was experiencing. Sometimes Emmett would help, offering to smell, taste, or hear things that were unpleasant to him to see if I could identify what was going on. Jasper offered to inflict pain to see if I could detect that, but I declined, even knowing that it wouldn't really hurt them I didn't want to see them do that.

My afternoons were spent being tormented by my older, bigger brothers. We had one really nice, really warm afternoon; they decided I should know how to swim. They decided to teach me by tossing me into the lake. Emmett thought it would be great to climb up a tree with me on his back, he thought it would be funny to leave me up there while he came down. Jasper finally got me when I threatened to tell Esme and Carlisle when they came back. One night around the campfire Jasper pulled an envelope from his pocket, "Here, Dawn, I forgot Carlisle gave this to me to pass along to you." I grinned, immediately recognizing the writing on the outside as Embry's.

I reached for it, only to have Emmett grab it, "Aww, isn't that sweet, your boyfriend writing you love letters." I knew he was teasing, and I couldn't catch him even if I wanted. I tried ignoring him, hoping that if I didn't give him a reaction he would grow bored and just give it back. I grabbed my journal from my pack, a gift from Nessie that she had tucked into Esme's car before she left. I loved it, especially the double inscription, the first one she wrote the night she got it for me, the night I had pizza for the first time, the second inscription she wrote for me after I announced I was leaving. When I pulled it out a few letters fell out of its pages. All the letters I had received since leaving I tucked in my journal so I could re-read them as often as I wanted. Emmett picked up one that landed closest to him, reading it out loud.

Dear Dawn,

I was so happy to get your last letter. Sounds like you and Esme are having a great time exploring. I hope you're taking pictures of everything and being careful. I know you don't like hearing it, but I worry about you, being so far away from everything. I know Esme is with you and Nessie has said that besides Carlisle the rest of your family has seen you. I just worry, I just want you safe.

I grabbed the paper from Emmett's hands. "Those are private!"

He just laughed, "He really cares about you, you know." His eyes were serious, behind the laughter.

I wasn't sure how to respond to that, my relationship with Embry, if you could call it that was complicated. "Does that mean I'm going to get my new letter?" I saw Emmett grin, but he handed it to me. I didn't wait, tearing it open to read right there.

Dawn,

No, absolutely the answer is no, I could never be mad at you for what happened. I know you weren't in control. Please stop apologizing none of this was your fault.

I was very excited to read that you're thinking of coming home, the offer still stands; I would love to see you, but only when you think its time. I miss you, sometimes I go days smiling, thinking about you, your latest letter, I think about what I'm going to write to you, what I want to tell you, then I realize how far you are and it hits me.

Enough of my pining I guess, Time to answer your questions from your last letter. In order yes, no, sometimes, and maybe. I know, I know, I need to explain.

Yes I like being a wolf, at least most of the time. No it's not something I choose or wanted, but I am happy (most of the time) that it chose me. Sometimes I wish it were different, especially after meeting you. Maybe, but probably not. You would only see me or one of my pack brothers in wolf form it we thought you could handle it, or something happened and you needed to be protected, so I can't for sure say no, I can say probably not.

I'm still laughing at your description of a weekend with Alice. I can't believe that you two spent a weekend at a spa while you were camping, somehow the two just don't sound like they go together. It sounds like you had a great time. It was just funny to hear you talk about pedicures, facials, and how muddy and cold it is in the same letter.

Nothing really new with me, just the usual, work, think about you, patrol, check the Cullens, talk to Carlisle, sleep, hope to dream about you, and in between all that think about you some more.

Carlisle told me Emmett and Jasper were coming up with him this time, hope you have fun with them, don't know what their plans are, but doubt I'll hear you talk about pedicures and massages in your next letter.

Yours,

Embry

I grinned, holding the letter to my chest. I wanted to just close my eyes, picture his face.

"Reminds me of romance from my time." Jasper's voice broke the silence. "When it was slow to develop, letters were written, the anticipation, the honesty." I saw him look at me, "Emmett was right, he cares about you."

I wasn't sure this was a conversation I wanted to have these two, but they were both married, both happy. "I know he does, and I care about him. I just can't understand why he didn't tell me." I saw Jasper start to open his mouth, but I rushed on before he could speak. "I mean at first, I understand he didn't want to frighten me, I get that, but later he could have told me. I would have understood. Everyone," I looked hard at Emmett, "made such a big deal, made such a point to repeatedly tell me the difference between wolves and werewolves. I can't believe I didn't catch on, but I wouldn't have cared what he was. I just find it ironic, all his talk about wanted to protect me, and he didn't."

I saw Emmett and Jasper exchange a look, "Dawn eventually you'll understand, it'll make sense. When you come home the two of you can talk, really talk, and get everything out and in the open. Trust us; if he hadn't thought he was protecting you he wouldn't have done it."

I looked at the two of them, I couldn't believe it, they had defended a wolf. I stood, stretching my legs and back. "You guys want to help me break camp tomorrow? Esme and Carlisle should be back soon and I'd like to be ready to go when they get here."

"Thank God! I was afraid you'd stay here all winter!" I looked at Emmett, "I know you needed to have some time, but we were starting to get worried, wondering how much time. I thought when you left you'd be back in a week, maybe two. It's been MONTHS." He wrapped his arms around me, swinging me around and squeezing the air from my lungs.

"Can't. Breathe. Down." Emmett released me. I looked at Jasper, he was smiling too.

"We can get everything taken down and packed tonight. If you want, one of us could just run into a town tonight, once we got some sort of cell service we could just call Esme and Carlisle, tell them we're taking you home."

I looked at the two of them, both of them with grins, "That would be great, thanks." I grinned as I crawled into my sleeping bag. "I love you guys, see you in the morning."