December 07, 2012

When Sara woke up earlier that afternoon it was to an uncomfortable sticky feeling in her throat and mouth. Blinking in confusion she reached up to touch her face and was surprised to find, when she pulled her fingers back to inspect them, that they were slick with blood.

"Oh crap, Sara," a male voice with a distinct Texan drawl spoke up.

Using her arms she pulled herself into a sitting position and groaned. Nick stood quickly and helped her to sit up. Once he saw to it that she was propped up he picked up grabbed a handful of tissue from a box next to the bed and squeezed her nose, tilting it forward.

"So Grissom sent out a broadcast, huh?" She asked him. Sara wrapped her fingers around the sheets feeling light headed. She felt her head drift further forward to rest on his hand.

"You're okay," Nick soothed her, wrapping his arm around her to hold her up. He held her closely and pulled the tissue back to check her nose. Tilting her head back he was relieved to see that she had stopped bleeding. "There you go. See? Looks better already," he tossed the tissue to the side and looked her over. Other than the blood smeared across her face and gown she looked okay.

"Let's get you cleaned up, alright?"

Laying her back against her pillows he collected a wet cloth from the sink area of the room and then sat on the bed. Dabbing her face carefully he cleaned her off.

"Are you going home for Christmas?" Sara asked, turning her face away to cough into her hand.

"If you're here… I'm here," he told her, tossing the bloodied cloth across the room and into the sink.

"Well, that's really sweet of you… but you should go home. It's been what? Two years since you spent a Christmas with your family?" She pointed out, looking up at him.

"I'm stayin' and there's nothing you can do about it," Nick grinned, taking a seat beside her on the bed. "Mama can just FedEx me one of those pies of hers."

"I don't want to be here, Nick," Sara whispered, finally saying out loud what she had wanted to tell someone since she had been admitted the night before. Laying back further into her pillows she felt her chest tighten and she took a painful breath. She felt a sharp pain streak through her lungs and she coughed again.

"They're gonna make you all better, darlin'," Nick passed her a tissue to wipe her mouth. "Besides, it could be worse. You've got one hell of a view," he offered her a toothy grin that didn't quite reach his eyes.

Sara didn't smile back; instead she kept her eye on the blanket draped over her lap. "It's just that," her nails picked at a loose thread thoughtfully. "This might be the last moments of my life and… I don't want to spend them in here. Sick like this," she put words to the thoughts that had been whirring around in her head over the last day.

"Sar," Nick sighed, wrapping his hands around one of hers, "You're gonna live to be a crazy old lady." He told her, his voice determined as he rubbed her cold fingers in his palms. "Besides, I still have to teach you how to horseback ride," Nick reminded her.

"Let's go now," She suggested, another cough wracking her thin frame.

"We can't, Sara," he squeezed her hand. "But it will be something we can both look forward to. But you need to get better first."

"That's just it, no one gets it. I'm not getting better. Everyday I get a little bit worse and…" Sara was cut off by another coughing fit. She sat up a little bit and wrapped her arm around her ribs as her body trembled. Suddenly, she gagged and reached blindly to her bedside for a dish, knocking everything off in the process. Nick quickly picked it up and placed it under her chin, just in time for her to throw up her breakfast. When she was finished she laid back against her pillows and felt hot tears leak out from behind her closed eyelids. "Can you throw that out please?" She asked Nick; the smell was making her nausea worse.

Nick's chair scraped against the linoleum as he got up. The dish made a thudding sound as it landed in the empty bin. The bed sank as Nick sat down beside her. Her eyelids fluttered when she felt his fingers swipe across her cheeks to wipe away her tears.

"Aw, Sara," he soothed her. "Don't cry."

XXXXX

Sara spent most of the next two days sleeping. She was feeling discouraged as her pneumonia worsened and it became harder to breathe as the hours past. Grissom spent most of the time at her side or curled up in bed with her and it made her feel safe and warm. She hadn't heard from Mandy at all and when she asked her husband about it he shook his head and told her that he was hoping that she would have visited more often. Sara told him about the events from a couple of days prior and Grissom offered her a guilty look and reluctantly explained that he had asked Mandy to discourage her from staying that night in the maternity ward. Sara had felt betrayed at his revelation and angry that he hadn't said anything sooner, and she hadn't kept her feelings a secret either.

But like always, he apologized and she forgave him. Not because she was weak or easily manipulated, she didn't like to think. But rather because she didn't know what would happen and she didn't want to waste any time for fighting and she didn't want to waste any more time feeling guilty.

They needed to enjoy each other and love one another now, more than ever.

It was a couple of weeks before Christmas when Sara heard the door to her room swing closed and the distinct sound of someone juggling a number of things.

"Griss?" She asked, knowing her voice sounded weak and breathless, she hated that. A cough made her sputter and she winced at the pain in her chest.

"It's me, honey," he appeared around the corner. "How are you feeling?"

"Okay," she whispered, trying to catch her breath.

He placed several bags with wrapped packages next to the wall then sauntered over to her, holding a canvas bag, his mouth twisted into small smile.

Slowly Sara placed the bowl of jello she had been inspecting down on the table and raised her eyebrows. "What are you hiding?" She asked, glancing down at the bag which he had placed on her lap.

Leaning down Grissom pressed a kiss to one of the dimples that had appeared in her cheeks when she grinned. "Open it. I promise you'll like it."

Curiously, Sara unzipped the bag and peered inside. When she couldn't see anything she bit her lip and unzipped the rest of the bag. "Griss, what the-" she jumped back and gasped. The sudden intake of air launched her into another coughing fit and she began to curl up to ease the pain in her stomach and chest.

The bag began to teeter off the bed and Grissom steadied it quickly then rubbed her back as they waited for her to stop. "You alright?" He asked, handing her a glass of water, to which she shook her head.

"Sorry about that," she croaked. "Surprised me is all."

Grissom nodded and patted her back again before lifting an orange kitten out of the bag onto the bed.

"Jenny," Sara smiled. "Hi," weakly, she lifted her arms and reached for the kitten.

Instead of passing her over, Grissom placed the kitten on Sara's lap and held her in place until Sara could wrap her hands around her.

"Thank you," Sara whispered, petting the kitten. She focused her attention on Jenny for a little bit before looking up at Grissom. "Do you think you could do me a favour?" She asked.

"What do you need?"

"The nurse said she would come back," Sara explained.

"What do you need, honey?"

Sara nodded to her bowl of Jello. "No spoon."

"I'll be right back," he pressed a kiss to the spot above her ear again and headed out into the hallway. When he returned, spoon in hand, he found Sara stroking and talking to Jenny lovingly. He stood in the doorway for a few minutes and watched her interact with the kitten who was growing bigger everyday. One of the things that he loved most about his wife was how caring and gentle she was with those less vulnerable.

He cleared his throat to let her know he was there and she stopped chattering to the kitten right away and offered him a sheepish smile when he handed her the spoon. "Thanks," she mumbled and moved over to make space for him on the bed.

Once he was settled beside her he gathered her into his arms easily. She seemed to be smaller every time he held her and that scared him deeply. It felt like she was fading away before him and he wasn't sure if she would ever come back. The light in her eyes had dimmed since being admitted to the hospital and he didn't know how to bring it back.

He thought that asking Mandy to visit Sara would in some way lighten her spirit but it had only served to upset her when Henry showed up, less than pleased to find that his wife had disregarded her doctor's orders.

Gil had thought hard about Sara's comment about being alone in the hospital and though it had caused him a tremendous amount of guilt, he hadn't mentioned anything to her. Instead he decided that he would change his behaviour and make sure that he was present as often as possible. This was difficult with the last days of the semester at school approaching but he had managed to rearrange the curriculum so that his students were engaging in more self directed learning. They seemed to be doing fine with the labs and in fact, he found that they were more engaged in class because of the activities. The only challenge had been trying to find someone to supervise them, but after hearing about his situation many of his colleagues were generous and offered him their preparation blocks.

Now, burying his face in Sara's curls, he wondered sadly why he hadn't worked harder to make alternative arrangements sooner so that he could have been there for Sara all along.

"I love you, Sara. More than anything else in this whole world," he whispered as he watched Jenny curl up between Sara's ankles.

Her head jerked up so that her face was just inches from his. She offered him a sweet smile then leaned up to give him a kiss that tasted sweet with jello.

XXXXX

"So," Henry ventured, looking over at Mandy. The couple were currently sprawled out in bed amongst freshly laundered baby clothes and blankets. James had received enough clothes from family and friends over the last month to last him for the rest of his life, if he never grew beyond six-months-old. "I was thinking," he continued, inspecting a tiny sock. "That after breakfast we could take a trip over to the hospital so you can visit with Sara for a bit."

Mandy looked up from the tiny sleeper that she was trying to figure out how to snap together.

When she didn't say anything, he wondered if he had pissed her off. "Yes… no?" He asked, unsure.

"Come here," she whispered, giving up on the tiny outfit and tossing it to the side.

Giving her a confused look he crawled across the bed and kneeled beside her. "Hm?" He asked, wondering what she was going to do.

Suddenly she reached forward, startling him, and grabbed the front of his shirt. Tugging him forward she kissed him.

He smiled, "So that's a yes then."

"You know," she whispered, releasing him and smoothing his shirt, "you really are the best husband I could ever ask for."

"I know," he smirked and ducked a tiny hat. Rolling off the bed he got to his feet. "I'll get dressed."

"Oh! Wear that sweater I knitted for you," she suggested, untucking her leg from under her and getting to her feet.

"Okay," he agreed, hesitating before opening his drawer and lifting it out. He eyed the knitted pattern that looked like tiny trees all over it. Hiding his horror at the thought of wearing it in public, he pulled it over his head. When he finally resurfaced through the neck hole he found her face burning red.

"I guess it doesn't look too bad," she observed shyly.

Swallowing his pride he plastered on a grin. "It's perfect. Thank you," crossing the room, he pressed a kiss to her cheek and gave her belly a quick rub before heading for the door. "I'll get started on breakfast, see you down there."

It took a couple of hours for them to get there things together and arrive at the hospital. Mandy was moving much slower these days and Henry adored watching and helping her. He felt pride swell in his chest whenever he could offer her assistance and he loved seeing her heavy with their baby. Jamie would be the perfect Christmas gift for both of them.

When they arrived on Sara's floor the couple reached a fork and headed in different directions. "Uh, Henry…" Mandy called him, turning around to find they had separated. "Sara's room is this way."

He shook his head. "Greg texted me this morning. She was moved to another room yesterday morning. She's in the ICU," he explained, taking a few steps towards her and sliding his hand around her elbow. "This way."

"What's wrong?" She asked him, concern flooding over her face and into her eyes. "Hen?"

"I'm sure she's fine. She was just having a hard time breathing so they put her in some room with a special filter, or something," gently, he tugged on her arm to encourage her to go with him. "Come on."

Together, the couple followed the directions that Greg had sent to Henry. When they arrived in the specified unit they both signed in and washed their hands. Because Mandy would be the only one entering the room, she was required to wear a mask. Henry waited for her in the waiting room and she continued through a hall that smelled heavily of disinfectant. The rooms on both sides of her featured large windows in the hall which meant very little privacy for the patients occupying them. Sara's room was one of the last ones and Mandy had to sanitize her hands again before being show inside.

The room definitely smelled different from the rest of the hospital.

The room was smaller than Sara's original hospital room and much more sparsely furnished. The window outside had a table pressed against it and there were several bouquets of flowers and stuffed animals of various kinds displayed on it. Mandy also spotted the scarf she had knitted for Sara draped over a gift bag that was stuffed with boxes of chocolate.

"Hey," she greeted the patient kindly once she was in the room. Crossing over to the bed she stood beside it and checked Sara over.

Her friend had paled to the point that she was almost the same colour as her stark white sheets and she had a full oxygen mask over her face.

"Hi," Sara greeted her. Upon seeing her visitor she pressed the button on her bed to move it into an upright position. Sara's chest sounded like coffee percolating and she had developed a wheeze that whistled through her lungs every time she took a shallow breath. "Look at you," she whispered, nodding to Mandy's belly. "You get bigger every time I see you."

"If you were anyone else I'd sock you," Mandy huffed playfully. "Yeah, we're both ready for him to get out of there."

Sara smiled and nodded. "Not too much longer." She looked over when the door opened again and Mandy turned around to see a young male nurse in pink scrubs carrying a lunch tray. "Thanks, George," she murmured, eyeing the tray skeptically. "I'm hoping that isn't the fish again…"

"Your lucky day," the nurse laughed. "Veggie dogs and macaroni and cheese; and if you're very lucky they will be completely dried out and overcooked again."

Sara snorted and coughed, fogging up her mask which George was in the process of removing. "Leno tonight?" She asked as he replaced the mask with an oxygen line that he adjusted under her nose and around her ears.

"Of course," the young nurse confirmed, checking Sara's vitals. "Just make sure you have the monopoly board set up for when I get here this time. I'm not waiting around again."

"No fair," Sara mock pouted for a second before her face twisted into a devilish grin. "Let's play poker."

"Naw," George picked up her chart and clicked his pen before beginning to write. "I need my pay cheque to pay my bills this week."

"How about clue?" Mandy piped in, offering Sara a wink.

"Can't hold the pieces," Sara shrugged. "Snakes and ladders?"

"Yeah, she's a total klutz," George teased. "She'll knock the board over."

Sara laughed. "That's why we don't play Jenga."

"See you in a bit, Sara," George told her, clipping her chart back to the bottom of her bed. "Nice meeting you," he told Mandy before ducking out of the room.

"He's nice," Mandy commented, taking a seat next to Sara's bed.

Sara nodded as she weakly lifted the lid off of her lunch tray and set it to the side. She scrunched her nose at the sight of her lunch but picked up her fork anyway. "Good thing I can't really taste anything," she reasoned, stabbing a piece of pasta.

"They gave you a chemo treatment?" Mandy asked curiously.

Sara shook her head. "No, can't do that until my fever breaks and my blood cell count balances," she explained. "But they gave me this fantastic gel stuff to put on my ulcers. Makes my whole mouth numb."

"That's good."

Sighing, Sara took a couple more bites then pushed her meal away. It wasn't that she wasn't hungry, but more sore and tired. She liked it when Grissom was there to help her eat. It made her feel weak and embarrassed but at least she was getting something into her system.

"I saw your display," Mandy looked over her shoulder briefly to indicate the table in the hall.

Sara swallowed heavily, her chest shuddering. "Grissom did it."

"He's a good guy."

"Yeah," Sara agreed, draping her arm over her stomach. "He loves me." Closing her eyes she rested them for a few moments. "Life's really beautiful, Mandy… I think that…. We sort of forget that in our field. Which is strange, you know? Because… we see it cut short so often, and you would think that would be a wakeup call…"

Mandy made a sound in her throat to acknowledge Sara's words, though she had none of her own.

"Don't waste it," Sara continued. "Not a single second of it. On anger, or hatred… Everything is just fine, it's right. All the time. Sometimes we just…" she stopped to catch her breath. "Sometimes we just can't see it. But, if we could just remember that no matter what, someone is out there, waiting to love us. And they're waiting for us to love them."

Sara cleared her throat and opened her eyes to look up at Mandy. "I spent most of my life not knowing that. But I found it."

"You'll have to tell Jamie that, when he's older," Mandy whispered, picking up the glass off Sara's tray and offering her a drink.

Sara accepted it gratefully. "I really wanted a baby, with Gil. So that we could show them that. I wanted to bring someone into this world that would never have to wonder how much they are loved." Sara looked down at her hands, wondering why she was sharing this with Mandy. But she couldn't seem to stop herself. "Gil and I talked about it. Starting a family. That was before I got sick."

"Sara Grissom," Mandy stated firmly. "It will happen for you. You have to believe that."

"I thought I was pregnant," Sara continued. "I never said it aloud, but, I was dizzy, nauseous, I missed a couple of periods." She shrugged. "I was wrong."

"You can have that experience still. You will," Mandy insisted, squeezing Sara's hand.

Sara shrugged again. "The doctor's said that after the surgeries and the chemo my chances of being able to conceive will be minimal. I'm not going to get my hopes up."

"Since when are you the type who gives up without trying?" Mandy shook her head. "Sara you're going to win this fight and in 15 years you're going to be fighting with an indignant teenager."

Offering a weak smile, Sara shrugged. She was about to respond but was cut off by the sound of knuckles rapping on the window. Both women looked over to find Greg waving. "He can't come in," Sara explained to Mandy. "He has a cold… apparently he could be deadly to me." They watched as the ex lab tech turned CSI pulled out his phone and pressed a button before placing the small device to his ear.

Sara's phone began to vibrate on the table and she picked it up. "I don't think we are supposed to use these in here."

"I'll be quick. Just wanted to drop of one of mom's care packages complete with slippers and another blanket." He held up the bag. "I'll give them to the nurses for sterilizing so they don't kill you."

Sara nodded in appreciation. "That would be nice. Thanks Greg. And pass along my appreciation to your mom."

"No problem," he offered her a grin, complete with perfectly straight and whitened teeth. "I'll be back tonight to stare at you some more like a cat to a fish in a bowl."

"Are you saying you want to eat me, Greg?" She teased, holding back a cough. "What would my husband think."

The young man's face turned an impressive shade of red before he mumbled a goodbye and shuffled out of sight.

"Well, you're just surrounded by good guys," Mandy smiled, turning back to face Sara.