Chapter 35

Looking Toward the Future

The Monday morning meeting with the modeling agency went incredibly well. Although Alex entered skeptical and unsure, Sasha was able to assuage his doubts. By the end of the meeting, plans were sketched out for Charlotte to move to Los Angeles after Spring Break. The agency offered chaperoned housing for the models under 18, which Alex found fantastic; Charlotte was not particularly enthusiastic about the idea of sharing a room with other girls and the plan of having some stranger with a bunch of agency policies ruling over her. Going home to Seattle until the end of the school quarter would provide a smoother transition and would give the family time to become used to the idea of Charlotte living away from home.

On the way back to the car, Alex mentioned to Charlotte that his consent was highly conditional. Mid-summer, he would reassess the modeling arrangements and decide if he would let her continue. On paper and in conversation with Sasha, all the details and plans sounded stellar. If the reality was not similar to what he expected and anticipated, he planned to have her return home. Somewhat in a nod to Sophie but also out of his fatherly protectiveness, Alex made sure that his parameters about the types of shoots and the types of clothing she would model were spelled out in the contract. Under no circumstance, even if covered suggestively, would Charlotte pose without clothing and the apparel needed to meet a certain level of decorum.

Jo, who had attended the meeting but not participated much, held Alex's hand with a strong grasp. In the last week, she'd held tightly to him emotionally. Whenever possible, she would be right at his side holding his hand as if her life depended upon it. She was so numb that she was completely fine with not having had sex since they arrived in Los Angeles. In fact, the question of why they hadn't made love in over a week had actually not even crossed her mind.

The plane ride and return trip home were uneventful. The day after returning to Seattle, Alex's schedule resumed its familiar pattern. Charlotte did not start school until the following Monday. Since she was still grounded, however, she was at home all week with very little to do.

Jo, on the other hand, remained fairly bewildered during the initial days back in Seattle. Alex was concerned when she called in sick Tuesday and Wednesday, their first days back at work. Jo was someone who tried to never take a sick day, and he could tell she was not actually ill either day. While he kept hoping to talk to Jo about her funk, the hospital seemed to have saved up cases while he was gone. He worked long days and even some long nights that first week back. When he was home, he seemed to have an unending list of reasons to avoid intimacy. Either he was too tired, had to go for a run or needed to do some research. He was pleasant and kind, but barely touched Jo. The lack of physical contact and of making love left her feeling all the more isolated and alone.

When Charlotte woke up on Wednesday around noon, she heard Jo sobbing. Charlotte stayed in bed, wondering if she should check on her mom or pretend she hadn't noticed the crying. Still trying to make sense of the idea that her parents actually wanted to have another child, Charlotte was puzzled by how strongly the recent news was impacting Jo. As the weeping provided background noise, Charlotte thought to herself, Babies do the same thing. They cry. A lot. Why would Mom and Dad want to do that to themselves? All babies do is cry and pee and poop and eat, then repeat the cycle again and again. What's so desirable or cute about that? For the life of her, Charlotte could not even begin to comprehend why two busy doctors with a child about to leave home would want to start all over again and be saddled with another child for 18 years. Her dad, as far as she was concerned, would be ancient by the time that baby left home.

The sobbing continued and Charlotte found herself putting her pillow over her head to drown out the sound. Then, as if Sophie was standing in front of her admonishing her, she thought Charlotte, Jo is upset, your job is to try to help. Go hug her. Charlotte shuddered, feeling as if Sophie had indeed just whispered to her. Forcing herself out of bed, Charlotte headed across the hall.

Knocking softly and then entering, Charlotte said softly, "Mom?"

Jo quickly wiped her face and eyes as she pasted on a fake smile, "Hey, Spider. Did you sleep well?"

Charlotte proceeded to crawl into her parents' bed and snuggle up to Jo. She grasped Jo's hand and leaned her head against Jo's shoulder, "I heard you crying. Are you ok, Mom?"

Sniffling, Jo attempted to shift the focus onto Charlotte, "Oh, Spider, did I wake you up? I'm so sorry."

"No. It's noon. I woke up because I've been sleeping forever," Charlotte explained factually. "Why are you crying?"

Jo cleared her throat, "I don't want you to have to worry about that, Charlotte. I'm just in a sad space this morning. It'll pass."

"Mom," Charlotte observed gently, "you've been in a sad space since the first full day in LA. Dad explained why we went there and what Dr. Reilly discovered. I know you two have been trying to get pregnant. I wish there was a way I could fix all this for you, or at least a way I could help."

Jo did not respond right away. She took some deep breaths and silently shed a few more tears before admitting, "I'm not sure what to do, Spider. Your dad and I have tried to get pregnant since right before you came into our lives. Now I know there's this tumor in my uterus controlling my ability to conceive. I need some time to let all the news sink in."

Charlotte could appreciate needing time alone to sort out one's thoughts. She offered, "Would you like me to leave you alone? I can hang out downstairs so you can have some space."

"Actually, Spider, I'd love it if you just kept sitting her beside me," Jo nearly begged.

"I can do that," Charlotte agreed as she continued holding Jo's hand and leaning against her. "I heard Dad and Dr. Montgomery talking a little at lunch the other day, so I know a little bit about the different choices. What do you think about the options?"

In medical mode, Jo described, "There are three main options: surgery, do nothing, or try medication hoping it will shrink the tumor. We could choose to have it cut out a few different ways, to have a less serious surgery that would cut off the tumor's blood supply or to have the tumor completely removed. Right now, I can't even begin to decide what to do. Everything has risks and I'm not sure what chances I'm willing to take. It sucks."

Charlotte leaned in even closer to Jo and squeezed her hand. "I've never believed the garbage about God having a detailed plan, but I do think God has hopes for our lives. Somehow, God doesn't manage every detail, but does intervene and act in our lives sometimes. Maybe the baby God has in mind for you and Dad just isn't ready to be conceived yet."

Turning her head to kiss Charlotte's forehead, Jo smiled softly, "Maybe." After a few seconds of silence, Jo added, "When I face times like this where I don't know what to do, I wish I had a Mom of my own to consult."

Realizing she'd never heard any details about her mom's mom, Charlotte thought about how little she knew about her parents' childhoods. Logically, though, what Jo had just shared made no sense. "Didn't somebody give birth to you?" Charlotte asked with gentle confusion. "I mean, everyone has a birth mom, right?"

"Oh, Spider, it's a long story. When I was two weeks old, my mother dropped me off at a fire station. I don't know why. Maybe I was a fussy baby. Maybe she was really depressed or really poor or scared or something. I have no idea. My childhood was really tough – I was raised in the foster care system in a number of homes. By the time I was your age, I was living in my car on my own."

"Really?" Charlotte sought to confirm as the reality of Jo's story sunk in. "Wow. I had no idea. You were dealt a pretty crummy deal, Mom."

"Yes and no. My past has made me who I am today. Being independent and basically destitute provided me with the opportunity to study at Princeton and Harvard for free. Few people have that handed to them. I'm pretty pleased with my life now…except for this ridiculous tumor. Your dad, actually, really helped me move on from being so overly focused on the crummy parts of my past. When we met, I finally felt like someone actually understood me and cared about me. It took a long time, but I finally was able to really trust someone else for the first time in my life," Jo mused. "Having a baby together would be our declaration to the world that the past is past and our focus is on the future."

Charlotte was impressed and even a tad overwhelmed, "One little baby could do all that? I don't mean to sound doubtful, I just never thought about what the baby would mean or signify."

Jo sighed, "I never really understood how badly I wanted a baby with your dad until I learned that my body cannot have one."

"But didn't Dr. Reilly say you can have a baby?" Charlotte sought to clarify.

"He did," Jo confirmed, "but the surgical options have risks. If they found something once they were operating or if the tumor was too challenging to handle, I could end up with a hysterectomy. Even if I kept all my parts, there's no guarantee I will conceive."

Charlotte thought about all Jo had shared. "It must be kind of scary for you, all these options and all this news."

Jo leaned her head closer to Charlotte's, acknowledging, "I feel like I left a part of myself in Dr. Reilly's office the day we heard the news. I'm just kind of numb."

"And sad," Charlotte observed. "It makes a lot of sense to be so sad, Mom. It even makes sense to be scared and confused, maybe even angry. I'm sorry you're going through this."

"Thanks, Spider," Jo said, "I am too. But you know what? I do have a baby, she just happens to be 16."

Charlotte laughed softly before admitting, "Yeah, I can be kind of a baby sometimes. Although, I know I'm more often a pain in the ass."

Giggling in response, Jo said, "True and watch your language."

"Dad says it all the time," Charlotte insisted.

"Yes, but he shouldn't say it either, and he's an adult. Furthermore, I'm your mother, not his, and I'm making myself clear, right?" Jo confirmed with a motherly tone.

"There's the mom I dread but love," Charlotte prodded.

"What do you say we take showers and go treat ourselves to lunch? I think we both need a change of scenery," Jo suggested.

Charlotte, remembering the first time she went out to eat with her dad and Jo, implored, "Anywhere but the hospital."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~'

Alex's day was so packed that over ten hours passed before he stopped to notice that he hadn't eaten since breakfast. No wonder I'm on the verge of losing it, he thought. He'd arrived at the hospital for rounds at 7:00 am and hustled non-stop. After one last stop in Peds, Alex turned his charts over to a resident and headed home. Before stepping out of the hospital, he'd texted Jo to ask if he should pick up dinner. Much to his surprise, Jo sent him a text letting him know that she and Charlotte were making dinner. She must be feeling better, he thought happily.

When he arrived home a few minutes later, he headed directly to the kitchen. His heart warmed as he approached and heard Jo and Charlotte laughing and talking. Charlotte was closest to the doorway. Alex approached her first and gave her a hug. Then, he walked to the other side of the island and put his hand on Jo's arm. Looking in her eyes, he inquired, "You're doing better?"

"A little," Jo replied. "Charlotte and I had a wonderful afternoon."

Alex grinned and scooped out a spoonful of stew from the pot, "Yeah? What did you two do?"

"We had lunch at that café that Dr. Kepner and I go to on Sundays after church, went to see a movie, and stopped for ice cream on the way home," Charlotte shared.

Joking, Alex asked, "Did you see that new action film about the guy that…"

Simultaneously, the Karev women interjected firmly, "No."

"Chick flick," Alex declared as he scooped out more stew.

"Enough sampling," Jo directed with a smile. "Make yourself useful and grab the bread out of the oven."

Charlotte continued the movie conversation, "We saw the movie about the woman who moves from the Midwest to New York and falls in love with her stockbroker."

Alex mimicked a huge yawn, "Glad I missed it." Then he suggested, "Why don't you set the table, Spider?" Charlotte went to the dining room, leaving Alex and Jo alone in the kitchen. Jo turned from the stove and put her arms around Alex's neck. She leaned in to kiss him, but he turned his face and gave her a huge hug. He whispered in her ear, "I gotta take a quick shower before dinner. It was a long day." Alex smirked awkwardly and headed upstairs. Jo, disappointed and puzzled about his reaction to her overture, turned back to the stove and turned off the burner.

Charlotte and Jo waited for Alex to come downstairs before starting to eat. Within a few minutes, he arrived with wet hair and was wearing sweats and an old T-shirt. He began dishing up and praising the meal. Once everyone began eating, the conversation was minimal. Charlotte could sense a weird vibe coming from her mom and noticed that her dad seemed to be faking a happy exterior. What the hell is going on? she wondered.

Although phones were strictly prohibited at the table, Alex's iPhone sounded an alert midway through the meal. He reached down to look at the text and said, "Mer's on her way over." Jo looked puzzled while Charlotte was indignant.

Looking at Jo, Charlotte groaned, "I thought phones were absolutely, positively not allowed at the table." Charlotte knew that if her phone sounded while at the table, it would be taken away in a hot minute. She was resentful that not only could Alex's phone sound, somehow reading the text was acceptable too.

"Me too," Jo responded as she continued eating.

"Are you guys fighting?" Charlotte asked her parents.

"No. Why would you think that?" Jo responded. Alex shot Charlotte a strange look of mock confusion.

Charlotte frowned and offered, "Dinner just seems weird tonight."

"Everything is fine," Alex stated, attempting to convince himself and everyone else. He heard Mer come in the door and excused himself to go touch base with her in the living room. Jo looked up expressionless, but Charlotte could tell thoughts were swirling in her mother's head.

"I'm done eating. May I be excused?" Charlotte asked, wanting to remove herself from the strangeness.

Jo nodded her head and instructed, "If you're going upstairs, come back down in 15 minutes to clear the table and do dishes." Charlotte nodded and headed toward the stairs. She couldn't help but catch part of Alex's conversation with Meredith. They were seated next to each other, facing the fireplace. Neither noticed Charlotte approaching and Charlotte slowed her walk so she could move effectively eavesdrop.

"How did you even know?" Alex inquired with intensity and aggravation.

Meredith urged, "Edwards was on my service today. The topic, well, it came up much like it often does in the OR."

Alex said, "It's just…well…it's like when Izzy had cancer. I just can't. She's too fragile."

"You're not going to hurt her, Alex. Don't be ridiculous. If anything, it would comfort and reassure her." Meredith insisted.

Finding a reason to walk back toward the dining room and then hide out around the corner bought Charlotte time to hear more. Charlotte knew Izzy was her dad's first wife and that she'd survived cancer, but she wondered what Alex was referring to when he said 'it's like when Izzy had cancer'.

Responding, Alex continued, "Mer, thanks for your concern, but this really isn't any of your business. She's in a funk anyway, she's not thinking about sex." Charlotte tried not to vomit.

"That would explain why Edwards knew something about all this, huh? Jo's not thinking about it at all but is mentioning your lack of intimacy to her best friend," Meredith whispered sarcastically.

"Remind me not to talk about my sex life next time we share an OR," Alex ordered. Charlotte cringed on multiple levels, not only had she just heard her dad refer to his sex life but now she knew that he talked about it while operating. Beyond sick, weird, and gross, Dad! she thought.

Charlotte decided she didn't want to hear any more of the conversation, so she popped around the corner and ran up the stairs. As she entered her bedroom, she was shaking her head, shuddering, and sticking out her tongue as if she was spitting out the taste of what she'd just digested in overhearing the conversation. She was both intrigued and horrified by the knowledge that people were discussing her parents' sex lives and that, for some unknown reason, her father couldn't bring himself to have sex with her mom. A large part of Charlotte couldn't wait for Spring Break and the move to LA.