Martin lets slip something he never, ever wanted anyone to know.

Especially not Douglas.

Martin has a horrible feeling that he's just made a fool of himself.

He often makes a fool of himself, he can't help it - not that that means he doesn't mind - but this time he's made a big mistake. A really, really big mistake. He's let Douglas know something about himself that he never intended to. Something that he's quite sure that Douglas is never going to forget. Something that Douglas is never going to let Martin forget.

And now Douglas is just standing there, looking at him in astonishment. And any moment now he's going to start with the horrible barbed comments - Martin knows he is - and Martin's not going to be able to cope. He knows he isn't.

-o0o-

It hadn't been the best possible day: the flight out from Fitton had been delayed because of fog, the passengers had decided that this was all Martin's fault (once he had finally persuaded them, that is, that he really was the Captain) and Arthur's ability to reheat a meal in the microwave had been even more disastrous than usual.

And Martin would be the first to admit that he'd been in one of his pedantic moods, which Douglas hadn't appreciated in the least and perhaps, looking back, it might not have been the ideal time to have a go at Douglas about his smuggling tendencies.

All in all, it had been a dreadful flight – the two pilots had bickered all the way, and hadn't stopped by the time they'd reached the hotel.

So when Douglas said 'Don't suppose you fancy a drink?' in a tone of voice which meant that really the last thing on God's earth he wanted to do was to spend any more time in Martin's company, Martin really should have made some polite excuse as to why he didn't fancy the idea.

But he was tired, and lonely, and uncertain of himself, and the very last thing he wanted to do was to spend the evening alone, so he'd said yes, and they'd made their way – in an uncomfortable silence – down to the bar.

They were sitting in the bar when Peter Shoreditch, one of the pilots Martin used to work with at EconAir, walked in. They hadn't been friends - Martin hadn't made any friends while he was with EconAir - but this chap knew about Martin. Knew more about Martin than Martin wanted anyone to know. And he'd told everyone else at EconAir, and they'd made sure that Martin knew that they knew, and that was why Martin had left.

And now this man Shoreditch was in the bar, and saw Martin, and went across to him.

Martin couldn't speak, he was so frightened.

Shoreditch walked over to where Martin and Douglas were sitting, leaned across so that he was looking straight in Martin's face and said 'Why, if it isn't Little Captain Freak, the laughing stock of the airways. Does your new playmate know how weird you are?'

Martin could feel the awful shameful blush spreading over his face.

Douglas might not have liked Martin very much at the moment, but he liked Shoreditch even less. He pushed his chair back and stood up. 'Whatever your problem is, sonny, I suggest you sod off now, before I forget my manners and knock you out cold.'

Shoreditch had just smirked. 'Still can't stand up for yourself, Marty?' And then he'd gone.

Douglas sat down again. 'Peculiar little man. If they're all like that at EconAir, Martin, I quite understand why you decided to leave them.'

It was an overture of friendship, and for a few moments, Martin thought everything was going to be all right, that he'd be able to get away with it. But then a travel rep came over to them, a girl who knew Douglas slightly from previous trips, and Douglas asked her to join them. And normally Martin would have taken the hint and left, so that Douglas could do his usual Mighty Sky God routine (and probably charm his way into her bed), but oh God Shoreditch was standing by the door with some of his cronies, and they were looking at Martin and laughing, and Martin just couldn't get up and walk past them, he couldn't. So he just sat there, and Douglas looked at him furiously and signalled the waiter for some more drinks.

And Martin tried to behave normally, he really did, but he was just so nervous by this time that everything went wrong. He stammered and said the wrong things, and he knew he was talking too much and not making sense, and the girl looked at him pitingly.

And then he managed to knock her drink over her.

She was quite pleasant about it in a not-very-pleased sort of way, said it didn't matter and the stain would probably come out and in any case she really must be going. And when she got to the door, Shoreditch and his friends said something to her, and they all looked over to where Douglas and Martin were sitting and laughed, and then she left with them. Arm in arm with Shoreditch.

And Douglas was really angry, Martin could tell. He tried to apologise, but his stutter just got worse and worse, and he knew that he was getting flustered and the words were coming out wrong. And Douglas grabbed his arm and said that this had gone beyond a joke, and he and Martin were going to have to have a talk about this.

It might have been a bit better if Martin hadn't fallen over a stool on his way out of the bar.

It would have been a lot better if Carolyn hadn't been on one of her economy drives and hadn't booked Martin and Douglas into a shared room at the hotel.

-o0o-

Douglas pushed Martin into the bedroom and slammed the door behind him. Martin had never seen him so angry.

'Martin! I am sick and bloody tired of this! You don't have the social skills of a three year old! Why can't you behave normally? What the hell is the matter with you?'

Martin looked at his feet and muttered 'I can't help it.'

Perhaps if he'd tried to apologise, perhaps if Douglas hadn't shouted at him, he wouldn't have told him. But Douglas lost his temper and yelled at him 'For God's sake! What can't you help?'

And that was when Martin had burst into tears and shouted back

'I can't help being autistic!'

-o0o-

And now Douglas is just standing there, looking horrified and all Martin can do is wait for the sarcastic comments to start.

-o0o-

Of all the things that Martin could have said, Douglas certainly wasn't expecting this. Not that Douglas knows a great deal about autism - he's never needed to. What he does know, however, is that when it's a straight choice between some silly little tart who can't keep her knickers on and the man who you've worked with for three years and who has, when all's said and done, become a friend of yours, you know where your loyalties lie.

And Martin had looked so damn frightened. He still does.

And the thought strikes Douglas that it was probably a set-up anyway: it can't have been co-incidence that the girl happened to be in the bar and left with the EconAir crew.

Douglas may have set up a few nasty situations in his time - many of which have had Martin as the fall-guy - but none of them have been as downright cruel as this. And he's not very fond of being a victim of the set-up himself.

And Martin's so damn frightened.

-o0o-

Douglas turns away, and for a moment Martin thinks that he's going to walk away in disgust. Why shouldn't he - that's what people do when they find out, when they realise you're not normal. But instead Douglas opens the minibar, pours Martin a glass of wine and says gently 'I'm sorry I shouted at you, Martin: I had no idea.'

He reaches for a handkerchief and pushes it into Martin's hand.

'Sit down, lad, and have a drink. And tell me about it if you want to.'

Martin's shaking so much that Douglas has to guide him towards a chair.

'Is that what it was about? The idiot in the bar? Did he find out when you were at EconAir?'

Martin nods. 'A-and he told everybody, and that's why I left. They started - oh G-god, Douglas, they started d-dropping hints to the passengers. I had to l-leave, they just wouldn't shut up about it.'

Dear God Almighty. They ruined your career and you ended up working for the only airdot in the business. The safest pilot I've ever known, and they threw you on the scrap-heap at thirty one.

'And so you don't want people to know. I can understand why. But you're only slightly autistic, aren't you?'

Martin manages to take a sip of his drink.

'O-only mildly, but n-nobody understands that. It's - it's a label I can't shake off, and it - it's why I don't get on with people, because I don't know how to, and why you think I'm so prissy, because I know I'm obsessed with following rules and regulations, I can't help it and – and I - I do try to be normal, Douglas, I really do, but - but it always goes wrong, and I'm always frightened that people will find out and now - now I'm going to have to leave MJN.'

Douglas looks at him quizzically.

'Why? It doesn't affect your ability to do your job - you wouldn't have your CPL if it did. And I presume that Carolyn must know - and it clearly doesn't bother her. And I'm not going to tell anybody. So why do you think you've got to leave?'

'B-because you won't want to work with me any more.'

Douglas says gently

'What makes you think that?'

'Because I - I'm such a failure.'

'Martin, you're not a failure. You've got mild autism, that's all, and I'd guess that some ignorant people think because of that there's something wrong with you, and that's why you've got no self confidence. But you're not a failure. Far from it. You're a pilot and that's what you've always wanted to be. And it may have taken you a long time to get there, but you did it. I think that's something to be proud of. And look how far you've come in this last six months. You've got a salary, and a gorgeous girlfriend - more than just a girlfriend - and the two of you live together in a pretty little cottage; and this time last year you were a lonely removal man living by yourself in an attic. So how does that make you a failure? In my book, that makes you a success.'

Martin looks at Douglas. Hopefully. Douglas knows he has to be very careful what he says next. The truth might not be a bad idea.

'You're a young, handsome airline Captain who's making a success of his life. That's nothing to be ashamed of. You need to have a bit more pride in yourself, Martin. The right sort of pride. Don't be so desperate to impress people - if you need to impress them, they're not the sort of people who matter anyway. Learn to laugh at yourself a bit - that's not easy, but it stops the bullies dead in their tracks. Because that's what they are, those people who pick on you - nasty little bullies. And I've probably been one of them. And I'm sorry about that, Martin, I really am. It would mean a lot to me if you could try to forgive me.'

Martin doesn't respond, but he's not shaking quite so badly.

'Shall I tell you something else, Martin? Something about me, that I don't tell people? I envy you, Martin Crieff. You, with your youth and your good looks and your beautiful girlfriend and your lovely home. You, who hasn't got three failed marriages, a daughter you rarely see and an alcohol addiction. You, with the Captain's braid on your cap. The cap that I so desperately wish was mine. I wouldn't envy you if I thought you were a failure.'

They sit in silence for a few minutes.

'Martin? Rhiannon does know about this, doesn't she? About how you feel about yourself?'

Martin shakes his head.

'I – I can't tell her, Douglas. I just can't.'

'Why not? I think she really ought to know. If it gets you so upset, she needs to know why. She won't laugh at you, or think the worst of you. I don't think any the worse of you, and I'm the nastiest person I know.'

Martin smiles slightly at that.

'That's better, Captain. Nil illegitimi carborundum - never let the bastards grind you down. Here - have another drink if you want - I'll be back shortly. I'm just going to track down a certain little shit from EconAir.'

'W -why?'

'I haven't decided yet. Probably to black his eye. Or I may fracture a few ribs. No-one calls my friend Captain Martin Crieff a freak and gets away with it.'

For Socken, who helped me with this longer ago than I care to remember; and for Launa Alvara, who helped me fine-tune it.

A/N: I work with Young Adults with learning difficulties: the description of most people's perception of autism is - sadly - quite true.

There is absolutely no reason why someone with mild autism cannot become an airline pilot. Or anything else they want to be.