Note: So. Yeah. Another lemon, albeit a much shorter, more vague one. Again, check my live journal (www. HeartsPocky. livejournal. Com) for the uncensored version. It might not be up tonight, so check later in the week if it isn't.

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Chapter 36
(Riku's POV)

Sora and I finally slept together. It was bound to happen. And actually, I don't… feel anything. Nothing bad, anyway. I guess I was almost hoping for it to be really horrible so I'd have an excuse not to marry him.

Maybe I should.

Hell, I've been wearing the ring for a week. I know Sora sees me staring at it from time to time. He hasn't said anything about it, and I'm glad. Maybe he's calmed down because now he knows I'm willing to give him some ass. And part of me hopes that this new step in our relationship (or lack there of, really) will make up for things I've done in the past. I want him to be happy. I really do.

And a few days after we had sex, he talked to me about it. We were in the library, after school. He said he hadn't told anyone. That he wasn't going around bragging about getting laid like guys do. I never thought he did; the thought never even occurred to me. But for some reason, I'm still glad he told me. I really believe him…

Congratulations Sora, I finally trust you.

But you don't seem to trust me.

"Are you alright?" He asks me this afternoon as I'm writing. That contest is coming up again and I think I'm seriously entering it now. There's no way any other college would accept me after everything… "You haven't come down for lunch yet. Dad and I already ate."

Knowing him, this translates either to, "Are you on drugs?" Or "Why aren't you eating?!" Not that I think I deserve to be trusted yet, but…

"Yeah. Just writing."

He faces brightens.

"Can I read it?"

"No."

"…What's it about?"

"It's about this guy whose boyfriend won't leave him alone, so he brutally murders the kid… In about five seconds, it'll be based on a true story."

He grins, but the look quickly fades. "You've just been distant for a few days. I got curious."

"I'm fine." I tell him, and the strangest part is… it's true. Even though my life feels so hectic right now-- with Sora, with school, I'm oddly happy to be where I am. I've been working out a little, and eating a lot… I have clothes that fit, for once, and just feel good. Healthy, I guess. I've always been muscular, from all the sports I've played for school, but I was also really skinny, only to be accentuated by how tall I am… the lack of food that comes with running away didn't help, and neither did all that cocaine. I think for the first time I weigh as much as I should and have gained some color in my skin. And it's all due to eating right and not binge drinking until dawn. Who knew. ('Hey, fatass', is how Sora sometimes greets me, even though he hasn't been able keep his hands to himself lately.)

Sora leans over to kiss me before getting up to leave.

…Huh. That was easy.

--

"You win." I tell Sora after he's come upstairs again.

"What?"

I hand him a page of something I wrote awhile ago for school. I think it's alright, and it's probably the best thing I can show him. Family friendly, and all that. Grinning, he sits next to me and reads. "This is really good." He says after he's finished. I'm torn between saying 'I know' and 'how would you know, you only read magazines'.

Instead, I simply take the compliment. "Thanks." A pause. "It means a lot to me. Coming from you." He grins.

"I'm glad! Are you going to be a writer?" God, I hope not. I mean, it passes the time and will hopefully get me through college, but… as a career? I don't know.

"Maybe."

"You should… I think you'd be really good at it!"

"Maybe."

"Can I show Dad?"

Okay, that is a weird question. "…Why?"

"I told him you've been writing a lot and he said your teachers always said you were good and that he wanted to read something of yours. You know, eventually." The fact that they talk about me behind my back is disturbing, but not surprising.

Actually, Mr. Hart has cooled off a lot… he's not so… I'm-not-sure-what. He treats me the same way he treats Sora. He's not too nice anymore, is what I think I'm getting at. Now that he knows me and about me, knows that I won't totally explode any minute.

I mean, he's kind. He's always been kind. I guess he had to force me out of my shell a little, like Sora did. Make me a little uncomfortable, though I don't doubt that he was too. And he's brutally honest, too, and knows how to be snarky and I like that part of him. ("It's good to be back," I said once. "Feeling like myself a little more." He replied, "It's good to have you act like yourself, instead of a snotty little brat." Ouch.) A more authoritative side of him is coming out, as well. I think that might be a good thing… there was a time where I would be disgusted at the thought of being controlled and watched over, but now I know I need it. At least while I'm still trying to stay off drugs for good.

It's hard. I needed the help. I think I still do. Besides, even at Mr. Hart's strictest, he's still more easygoing than Nathan ever was.

But I guess that's it. To me, a guardian was a dictator… but now I know how skewed that whole view was. Though one thing hasn't changed: I'm still ready to move out and live on my own. I still want it.

Except now, my future plan includes Sora. I'm so dead-set against the whole marriage thing, so… I don't know why I suggested it. But I like the ring, and eventually I'll like the sex and… I guess I'm really in love with him.

If I could avoid marrying him… that would be okay. But if he wants it so badly, that's okay, too.

--

I call up Ms. Moran again, just because I feel like it. I always end up spilling all this information when I talk to her… I don't know why.

"I'm entering that contest." I say. "That writing one."

"…That's fantastic!" She replies. "I've only been bugging you about entering since you were in eighth grade, you jerk." I laugh. It's not hard to, when I'm talking to her. "Though try to write something happy for once, will you?"

"I'm not that depressing… am I?"

Now she's laughing. "Everything you wrote sounded like you were saying goodbye to the world, if you know what I mean. Why do you think I took care of you so much?"

"…because you love me?" I ask, falsetto-voiced.

"Besides that."

Silence. "But nothing I wrote was autobiographical. It was just… whatever came out of my mind." Good thing, too. Me at thirteen… it wasn't pretty. I'm glad I hadn't documented it. "Are you back in Darry?"

"Yeah, I am. Did Zakku tell you?"

"He did."

"Yeah. I'm back, but just for a little while... my friend's mom died and I want to be around her right now, to help her cope. They were close."

"Oh."

"She's getting through it really well though. Anyway, why'd you ask?" I don't respond for a few minutes, instead taking interest in the tile on the kitchen counter.

"No reason." I say. "Um... have you seen my parents around?" Even though I've never really referred to them as "my parents"-- Ms. Moran and, later, Mr. Hart filled those roles in for me-- but it doesn't feel so wrong to say anymore. A little weird... but, okay. It is what it is, and all that.

"I think I saw your mom once or twice, and I saw your dad once when I was grocery shopping... but that was it."

"Did you...?"

"I said 'hi' but he didn't respond. I don't think he likes me very much."

"How come?" I ask.

"For being so close to you, maybe. I was always kind of getting into your family's business."

"Nathan was very private."

"You two have that in common." She says casually. My stomach lurches at the comparison. That I can't help.

"...Yeah." I reply, despite the feeling. "I guess we do."

We're silent.

"Sooo, how's Sora?"
One thing I really, really appreciate about Lauren is the way she just freaking says "Sora". None of this "how's your booooyfriend?" stuff. I hate that… you'd think the people who'd be doing it are, say, my friends, who haven't met Sora. But it isn't; it's Kairi and Selphie.

"He's good." I answer so quickly I'm nearly cutting her off.

"That's great."

"We slept together." I say quietly then, nearly under my breath.

"What was that?" A beat. "…Oh. Huh. That's… huh. Well, congratulations I guess!"

What?

"Um, yeah. Thanks."

"Okay, that came out wrong… but you know what I mean. It takes a lot of trust… it's a big step. Good for you guys. Really."

"That's enough."

This makes her pause. "Oh, I'm sorry."

"Yeah. Whatever."

"So," She asks gently. "How do you feel about it now?"

"Alright, I guess."

"Was he nice to you?"

"Yes."

"Were you nice to him?"

...Oh shit. "I think I was."

"You two still together?"

"Of course."

"And you love him?"

"…Yeah." I reply. "I do."

"Then feel good about it. I have to go now, but promise me you'll mull it over, okay?"

"Okay."

But I don't need to. I know she's right.

-

Senior prom is coming up. Sora's going nuts. I don't think he realizes that I'm not planning on going. He keeps bringing it up "casually". I think he's trying to be subtle.

One night, he finally gets fed up.

"Prom is this month." He says.

"I know."

"…Why haven't you invited me?"

"Because I'm not going."

"Why not?"

"I don't want to!" I say. "I don't think it's important. Look, I don't care if I even see my classmates after high school, and the two of us will be together after I graduate. I have nothing to say goodbye to. Why should I go?"

"If I invite you to mine, would you go with me?" He asks.

"Yes." I reply. And I can tell he's not totally happy about it, but in a strange way it's also good enough.

-

It's a weird thing. The first time we did it, we felt closer on an odd, new plane. Now…. It's too real. Too much.

No.

We're happy, and we're together, but we're walking on eggshells around each other. Scared. Stupid. Weird. Damn it.

And maybe it's just that our timing is incredibly off. I graduate in less than a month, and already looking for jobs and apartments. Why get closer as I'm preparing to leave?

I've mailed in my entry for that contest, but there's no word on who won so far. So I apply for most of the colleges in and around the city, and start getting letters a few weeks before school is out.

"I don't know why they don't just write: 'Dear loser, fuck off.'" I say offhandedly after my second rejection. I don't know why I tried. No college in the country would even consider considering me.

"Try this one," Sora chirps helpfully, handing me another envelope.

"Dear loser," it says.

I'm screwed. What am I going to do?

-

I graduate in just a few more weeks. Word on the contest comes out this afternoon. I've been waiting for the mail all day like some pathetic idiot.

Damn it. I'm scared.

And I shouldn't be disappointed when I'm only runner up. I shouldn't be.

But I am.

This was my last chance. What am I going to do?

-

On top of everything, my teachers are making me speak at this dumb ceremony a week before graduation. They want everyone to know about my overwhelming failure, I guess.

Still, Mr. Hart keeps telling me to apply to that art school anyway. That I'm still a runner up and that's pretty damn good. That it's not too late to make waiting lists, if worse comes to worse. I hope he's right. It's all I got. I can't even really believe most colleges even read my applications. I only turned them in … what, months late.

But it's worth a try.

-

The assembly comes up sooner that I thought it would…. it feels like time has been moving more quickly lately. God, I'm nervous… most of my class is here, along with their parents and siblings. Staff and teachers are here. Sora, Mr. Hart.

This is such bullshit I can't believe it.

I'm one of five chosen to speak, for being… inspirational, or just headstrong in my case. It's our valedictorian, two kids who were dirt poor, life in shambles, etcetera, and will attend Ivy League schools come fall, and someone who was in a bad car crash this year and is now some big anti-drunk driving advocate, and me.

One of these things is not like the others.

Oh… shit. It's my turn.

I cut the introductions and dive right in. It's weird enough to be dressed formally; speaking formally is just… no. Besides, the sooner I start…

"I don't belong here," I say. I can hear my own voice echo across the auditorium. This is not me. How corny… "To be blunt-- really blunt-- I'm a drug addict." There's a slight murmur among my peers. I think that everyone thinks that they are witnessing some big scandal, a confession. But that's not me anymore. This is actually what the school wants me to be talking about. "Or, I was. Almost all those days that I wasn't here and my boyfriend was nice enough to cover for me and say I was sick… I wasn't. Well, put two and two together. " I pause. "So, I missed school, I cut ties with my friends, I sabotaged my relationship with the only real family I've ever had. I was fuc-- messed up to begin with--" this earns me some uncomfortable laughter from the crowd. "And I just started f--, uh, screwing myself over again and again. And I wish I could say that suddenly I just knew that everything I did was wrong and I quit valiantly… but by the time I quit, my family had nearly given up on me. We're alright now, by the way, but we'll never be the way we should have been from the start.

And I'll never know if what I was doing was really wrong. Um… I know that sounds stupid but… this is a part of me, and it always will be. For the rest of my life, I will want to go back and sacrifice everything to get that feeling back. This isn't what the school wants me to tell you, I know… but drugs are really, really fun. For the uh, lack of a better word. I'm not saying, you know, to go crazy, but I guess what I'm getting at is… think about what's worth it and who you want to be. Or… what you don't want to be, I guess. That's easier. To me… my boyfriend and father are more important than a temporary high. I know that now." I pause to catch my breath. "And I didn't always. Um… and no matter what I do or where I go, I will be an addict. I never got what that meant until colleges started refusing me left and right… I don't really know what I want to do with my life, and I don't think I've ever really known who I am. Know what's important. Figure out who you are, and who you want to be… and… that's it. Thanks."

There is a hesitant swell of applause from the audience as I leave the stage.

This was so stupid.

"You sounded great," Selphie says, bouncing up to me after this whole ordeal is over with.

"Thanks."

"I had no idea any of that stuff was going on! I should have realized…"

"It's okay." I assure her. Honestly, Selphie… I'm glad you hadn't. Too many people got involved as it is. "I'm okay now."

"Good." She says.

I never really noticed Roxas hanging back until he comes up to me. He must have tagged along because of Sora.

"She's right," He says after a moment, shoving his hands in his pockets. "It was really… it was real."

"…Thanks," I say, hesitantly.

--

"You were good," Sora tells me, once we get back to Mr. Hart's. We are laying in bed, his hand resting atop mine. "Not to sound mushy or anything, but… I'm really proud of you. And I'm so glad I know you." He quickly turns his head and kisses me, as if he had been holding it in, hesitating for a long time. "So… tell me the truth: are you happy?"

"Yeah." I reply. "I think I really am."

"Good." He says, snuggling next to me. "I am, too."

I head downstairs later and pick up the mail. There's something for me…

from that college!

It says that they were impressed with my writing. They enjoyed my presentation-- they saw my rehearsal, and that liked that I participated. The fact that I was in the same place as these future politicians, doctors, lawyers, these inspirational kids… I guess that made me extraordinary by osmosis or something.

In short, they've basically accepted me.

This is weird.

I ran away.

I missed two years of school.

I was nearly kicked out of school altogether and turned in my applications months late.

And now… I guess I'm going to college. What is wrong with these people?

… Am I a charity case? Are they only letting me in because I'm fucked up and that will make the place look good?

Is it because Mr. Hart is so rich?

Then fuck it! I'm not going. I'm better than that. God, this has gone way too far… I wasn't even supposed to be here long enough to see high school!

Almost two years. I shouldn't have been here two weeks…

I… I talked to Zakku! I slept with Sora! I told Mr. Hart about my past, I used drugs, I went to a club, I danced with people over twice my age, I graduated from high school… I…

None of this was supposed to happen.

I gave up everything I worked so hard for. My independence, my freedom.

But I now have love.

Is that a fair trade off?

I can't be sure it is.

And then I talk to Mr. Hart and he just has so many answers. He tells me it's okay, I got into this school because of my talent and my drive, and if I'm so worried about their motivation, I can transfer in a year or so. Still… this isn't what I wanted.

But then… when have things ever worked out the way I wanted them to?

When have I ever known what I wanted?

God… I need to calm down. Calm down and just go with it. For once.

-

I graduate this afternoon. This whole thing is basically just sitting in the sun for several hours, but I still feel a certain sense of… what? Achievement, I think.

I am proud of what I have done and I have no regrets.

There. I said it.

I did really damn good. I deserve this. More than anything or anyone else… I deserve this.

Mr. Hart makes me stick around to talk to my friends after the ceremony itself, but I still feel like there's just nothing here for me. I don't want you to feel like you're missing out, he always says. Though I really don't. But I at least appreciate that he's trying, and I guess it is nice to have the chance to say goodbye to the people I hung with toward the end of the year.

We're all being separated. I'm the only person from my class going to this school. I won't know anyone.

Bring it on.

-

I already have job and come autumn, I'll have a place to live: there's a small apartment complex right by the college. It's a dump, but I'll make do. I love my family, but I really don't want to live here anymore. And there is no way I am living in a dorm.

Maybe next year, when he graduates, I'll ask Sora to move in with me… I mean, assuming it'll be big enough for two. Or good enough for him, really, it's not that great a place. ..

But then, I'm starting to get ahead of myself. I'm just going to be with my boyfriend/fiancée/I-still-don't know as much as I can before school starts in the fall.

-

Sora.

Is.

Leaving.

He'll be gone for most of my summer, before I start working and move out in August.. He's going fucking home. To visit his mom.

What the hell…

"Are you mad at me?" He asks after lunch, the first Tuesday of vacation. He leaves in three days…

"No." I reply, getting up to leave.

"Riku, what's the matter?"

"Nothing. I'm fine." But he follows me, wrapping his arms around my waist, his head on my back.

"Yeah…?" He mutters. I push him away.

-

Sora leaves tomorrow afternoon. We're in bed, but neither of us can fall asleep. I've cooled off a little, but still feel seriously annoyed.

"I love you," he says hesitantly, breaking our general two-day silence.

"I don't want you to go." I whisper.

"Hm?"

"Nothing." I say. Then, "You're leaving tomorrow."

"Yeah, I am." A pause. "I kind of don't want to go."

"Then don't."

"I have to see my mom." He replies, smiling in a forced kind of way.

"I could drive you there…" I mutter eventually.

"That would take days." Sora says, smiling. "How awesome is that… it would take, like, two daysto drive there! Riku, I can't believe how far I got…" I wonder how far I am away from Darry. Not as much as I once would have wanted, I think. Doesn't matter… "I'm going by train! Did Dad tell you that?" Yeah. And his friends are picking him up when he gets there. I know.

"Yeah, he did."

"…Riku?"

"What."

"I want you drive me back." Yeah, like that would happen. I'm going to drive for two days to your hometown just to drive you back here.

"Okay." I tell him.

"Call me every night so I don't go crazy, okay?"

"Okay."

"Okay." He agrees.

We're quiet again. I close my eyes, opening one a sliver when I feel him pressing himself against me. "Is this alright with you…?" He murmurs, hands already clutching my pajama pants, prepared to push them down.

"Yeah." I murmur back.

And the weirdest part is: it is.