Chapter 34
'Jan?' Rachel asks Janet as she walked back from the bar with another bottle of wine in her hand. 'Yes Rach?' she says as she sighs. 'What's happened to you? I don't mean it in a bad way; it's just from when I first met you to knowing you now there is a big difference. I understand that you have been through a lot and it's been hurting you, but it's all in the past. Can't you just try and move on?' Janet beings to feel herself getting defensive, she doesn't know what to say. 'I know what you mean Rach, I understand completely. I just can't help it...' Janet begins to get emotional, as does Rachel. '...I mean, usually when things like this happens to me, I can just...shake it off but recently it's become so difficult and it feels like I can never move on, no matter how much I want to. I'm sorry, I'm sorry if I ruin your mood and make things difficult. I don't purposely try to make things awkward, it just happens, and there isn't anything I can do about it, unfortunately.' Of course Rachel knew Janet was stuck in a situation that was difficult to get out of, not much could actually help her. 'Will you do a favour please Jan, for me?' Janet glances up at her friend who has got tears rolling down her cheeks, for Rachel Bailey this never happens, she is always so strong. Janet has only ever seen her cry maybe twice and she's known her for a little while now. 'What do you want Rach?' Janet asks with a slight quivering in her voice. 'Will you please go to the doctors? I mean I will go with you if you really want me there with you. I am worried and I can't stand seeing you like this any longer...' Rachel breaks out into a whispering tearful voice '...it's killing me to see you like this every day. You may say nothing is wrong but frankly I don't believe you when you say you are okay. I'm sounding like an awful friend when I say that but I can't stand seeing you in pain. You're good at hiding it from others but I can see the pain in your eyes when you speak to me.' Janet takes everything in that Rachel has just said; she picks up her glass and takes a drink. 'I'm sorry for making you feel like this Rach. Friends shouldn't make each other feel this way, and for that I apologise. I've been thinking about going to the doctors myself but I don't know what to say to them when they ask me what's wrong. I've tried to write down how I feel, I suppose the best way for me to describe how I feel is nothing, I literally feel nothing inside me, like I am completely empty. I felt slightly better when Andy was around but now that he is gone I suppose I'm empty again.' Janet looks around the room, it is beginning to fill up, all the tables are full and there are people at the bar. 'Rach, can we go somewhere else? I don't really feel comfortable talking about this stuff her to be honest.' Rachel smiles as Janet looks around the room with a face of distress. 'Of course we can. We can go to mine, you can stay with me and we can just relax and talk. Does that sound okay?' she smiles again trying to catch Janet's attention. 'Yeah, that is great. Thank you Rach, I really do love you.'
Rachel picks up her phone and rings for a taxi.Janet begins to think to herself. 'What am I going to do? I can't tell Rachel everything, she won't want to hear it all and I can't bother her with my problems any more. I know she cares; she cares in some ways to much about me. I'm not worth it. I mean look at me, I'm a middle-aged woman who works horrendous hours, hardly ever sees her children and when she does she is always too tired to do anything. My marriage got ruined after 25 years of marriage, which admittedly wasn't great but I suppose I couldn't get away. Which is a feeble excuse, I know...' Rachel interrupts her trail of thought. 'Jan, the taxi is waiting outside.' They stand, take their coats and run to the taxi. 'I will pay for it Jan, don't worry. You paid for the wine.' Rachel smiles, Janet weakly smiles back.
Inside the taxi, there is complete silence.
As soon as the taxi arrives at Rachel's house Janet opens the taxi door and runs to the entrance of the house. Once Rachel had finished paying she walked over to the door. 'What was that all about?' she asks with a concerned tone. 'What was what all about?' Rachel lets out a little sigh. 'You know the running from the taxi to the door?' Janet looks directly into Rachel's eyes 'It was too hot in the taxi, I thought I was either going to faint or throw up.' This time, Janet was actually telling the truth. The taxi they had been in was rather hot and she hadn't eaten so that made things worse. 'Okay, as long as you weren't upset and you are okay now?' Janet nods.
Inside Rachel's house no one was around. 'Dom isn't here, he's at a mate's house and Sean is working all night. So we have the house to ourselves to talk properly. Are the girls at yours?' Janet looks at Rachel. 'Not tonight, they are at Aid's. It's his turn to take them tonight. Although if Taisie knew I was with you right now she would be so jealous. I swear she actually loves you more than she loves me. She hates me most of the time.' Janet lets out a faint laugh. 'Elise on the other hand is a being a little sweet heart. She's like you though; she also thinks something is wrong with me, like I am hiding something from her. She's my daughter; I'm not going to tell her everything.' Rachel brings over two glasses of wine and two packets of crisps to Janet who is sitting on the sofa.
'So Janet, what's wrong?'
Janet sighs deeply. 'Where do you want me to begin?'
'From the very beginning, don't miss a detail.' Rachel says to her best friend.