Prompt: Guilty Heart (#629)

Guilty Hearts

Or

Owl Post

It had taken everything there was inside him, every ounce of control, every ounce of reserve, every ounce of perhaps even guilt, to force him to walk away. To leave the Hospital Wing and an unconscious Harley behind.

It shouldn't have been so hard to walk away, but it was. And Severus had to restrain himself at every moment, with every step he took away, to not turn back.

He wasn't even sure how long it took him to get to the bowels of the castle, and safely ensconce himself in his quarters where he should feel safe, but didn't.

Even the exhaustion he felt deep in his bones that let him sprawl on his armchair, sinking low and almost bonelessly with only his legs keeping him from falling off the edge, couldn't still his mind. Couldn't take the way the horror that all his recent memories inspired now, or shake away the trepidation he felt at leaving Harley alone with the Headmaster.

Though he knew that he was simply being paranoid about the latter. Even as manipulative as the Headmaster was, he couldn't see the old man ever harming a teenager, much less a teenage girl who had nobody in the world.

Shoving those thoughts decidedly away, Severus subconsciously pulled the letter that had been burning in his pocket, as if a siren calling for his attention- calling to his doom.

That they might have been her last words- he thought as he opened the parchment and stared at the familiar and remarkably sharp letters- made his heart clench.

Even the burning anger in his heart that she'd lied to him... that she'd betrayed him- couldn't chase away the all-encompassing fear that he'd almost lost her and he couldn't grasp why. Or... he simply preferred not to, because of what it seemed to indicate.

The only thing he could compare it to was Lily- but even that felt... so incomprehensibly different.

Lily had been a dream, one that he'd always known and felt was impossible, no matter how much he strived. She was his best friend... but sometimes he was sure, especially once they were at Hogwarts, that he could never be enough for her. That whatever he did, it would never be good enough for her because she couldn't possibly understand someone as broken as him.

She was something like a shooting star- so bright, so magnificent- but also so distant and impossible to reach.

Harley wasn't like that...

He wanted to think of Harley as something like a dark star. Something he shouldn't see, something that should be unattainable... a shadow that should not exist.

But Harley was anything but distant.

She sought him out. She plagued him with the words she seemed incapable of keeping within herself.

She haunted him.

And she was warm. She was sweet... so much like Lily in that sense, but still somehow, humbly even, so much more. Because he didn't feel like she thought of him less. Like there was anything he could do, that would push her away, and that of itself, was not like anything Severus had ever come across.

But still, Severus could not understand why she stayed with him. Why she so plagued him, even when she was nowhere near.

Objectively speaking, from the moment he first laid eyes on her he'd known Harley to be beautiful, even if that was not so easily apparent.

Her gorgeous and soul-stealing eyes that saw too much, too deeply, were hidden behind her glasses. Her small, pretty face, was almost constantly shadowed and veiled by her wild and untamable, jet-black hair. And her slender, athletic build was not easily apparent in her usually casual and comfortable clothing.

Her beauty was so subtle, so hidden and understated, that Severus shuddered to think how simply he'd crumble to her every whim if she were to highlight her beauty or put it on display for anyone to see.

And he was reading her letter then. Over and over, feeling his heart both soar and break to know that he might mean anything to her. To know that she'd loved some other version of himself. To know that she feared that he might hate her...

And he should, he thought angrily. He wanted so desperately to hate her.

But the longer he sat there, soaking in her words, he knew that he couldn't hate her. That what he felt- though he could not nor would not name- was infinitely stronger and quite the opposite of hate. Which was saying something, considering his capacity to hate.

And as he stared at her letter, he knew though he was uncertain if he could accomplish it, that he had to stay away from her. That he couldn't risk getting any closer to her. That she threatened his life in a way that nothing else could. That she threatened his mission, in a way he never thought possible.

Because her last words, seemed so much like a promise and a threat... one that he found himself longing for, even though he knew that he should not.

think... I would've come to love you too.

He simply couldn't risk that. No matter how much he wanted it.

X

Harley hated being stuck in the Hospital Wing, especially when she felt that there was so much she had to do. The talk she'd had with Dumbledore, only further fueling her resolve and drive to save Harry from the Dursley's, not to mention from Dumbledore's clutches as well.

It was somewhat difficult to also ignore the burning resentment that seemed to fester in her heart for the old man.

Or to ignore the fear coiling in her stomach, whenever she thought about Snape, who she had yet to see. Whose absence she felt quite acutely; unable to stop wondering incessantly what it must mean that he had yet to show up to yell at her for lying to him and endangering her life as she had.

She thought she might go out of her mind, with all the wondering she was doing... all the waiting that in spite of the trepidation she felt about the meeting, she was exceedingly relieved and happy when Harry rolled around to visit her before lunch the following morning.

"Harry," she breathed and felt her heart soar when the dark-haired boy wrapped his arms tightly around her and buried his head in her hair.

"You're awake!" he said as his skinny arms held to her tightly, and she could hear the relief and happiness in his tone. And something else too, as she wrapped her arms around him tighter. Something that sounded dark, and heavy.

"I'm glad you're okay," Harley whispered, even as she felt her own heart being weighed down by her own guilt. Pulling Harry away, Harley looked deep into the eyes that were identical to her own. "I'm so sorry if I hurt you Harry... I just, I didn't have control over my body," Harley apologized, hoping that as she poured all her guilt and heart into her words, that Harry would understand.

Harry shook his head. "I know you didn't- I know you weren't being yourself."

Harley felt relieved at that, even as she felt her brow furrow in confusion.

"How, Harry?" she asked softly.

Harry looked down in what appeared to be guilt as he pulled away and sat at the edge, staring down at his hands where he was playing with the sleeves of the overly large sweatshirt he wore.

"I just... I know about the Diary... and about Tom Riddle," Harry spoke, before slowly looking up at Harley and piercing her with the pain and fear in his eyes. "Why did you do that?"

Harley felt her own insides twisting in guilt, hearing Dumbledore's words in her head.

Looking down at her own hands, Harley tried to keep from fidgeting or chewing on her lip as she searched for the words to say.

"I know what it's like to be alone, Harry. And I know what it's like to be small and feel like you have no one, and then someone comes along who seems to be everything you need, who feels like they want to be your friend and they make you feel like what you have to say or think matters- only for it all to turn out to be a lie," Harley explained, slowly looking up at Harry. "It's hard to know who to trust. And it's much harder to find the person you trusted... was not what you thought they were... that they just want to use you or hurt you."

And the guilt coursing through her then was so overwhelming because in a way, she was lying to Harry too, about who she was that tears formed in her eyes as she wondered what would happen if he ever found out the truth.

But she pushed that all aside, knowing that there was no other way. That her truth was too much for the twelve-year-old boy who needed family more than anything else... even the truth.

"I didn't want the Diary to hurt anyone else, once I realized what it did."

Harry nodded, and though she could see that there were questions burning in his green gaze, Harry didn't give voice to any of them.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you... and that you had to see me like that... that I hurt you-"

Harry shook his head, refuting her apology as he stared down at his hands again.

"I'm sorry," he spoke, his voice tight with emotion. "I didn't trust you... I didn't know if I could... I'm so sorry, Harley-"

Harley shook her head and drew Harry into another embrace.

"Shhhh... it's okay, Harry. I really understand. And even if you don't believe or fully trust me yet, I'm not going to stop protecting you- I'm not going to abandon you."

X

Harley was held hostage in the Hospital Wing by Madam Pomfrey for three more days after she woke up as the matron claimed that her body desperately needed rest after the recent trauma it had been put through.

Though Harley felt the benefit of doing nothing but sleeping and eating, she felt she might have gone insane had Harry not visited her everyday as they attempted to repair their relationship.

Even so, the guilt they both felt for their own reasons, continued to weigh them down, but neither one of them was going to let that impede their hopes of progress.

Snape's continued absence as each day passed, did not go unnoticed by Harley who was really starting to think that Snape really did hate her. A thought that made Harley's heart sink, but no matter the trepidation she felt, she knew that she had to remain strong. And in her heart she knew, she couldn't let Snape go. He needed her, even if he did hate her. He needed someone to care for him, as it seemed no one else seemed to.

So as soon as Madam Pomfrey released Harley, and she was able to take a proper shower, Harley made her way to Snape's office. Her courage only somewhat faltering when she stood opposite his office door, but not completely failing her as she used her Slytherin determination to raise her fist to knock.

"What do you want, Miss Evans?" Snape asked after the door was violently wrenched open and Harley found herself staring up at his decidedly cold and neutral expression, even as his eyes glared down at her heatedly.

"Are you avoiding me?" Harley asked, because she really had nothing clever to say. Because she was a mass of nerves, that she didn't even think she could trouble herself to pretend that there was any other reason for her to seek him out.

He cheeks flushed when Snape arched a brow at her and she was suddenly, out of nowhere and for no apparent reason, reminded of the letter she wrote to him... about the things she'd admitted that she perhaps shouldn't have or wouldn't have written if she'd known she would survive.

"Avoidance requires action and energy. Whatever makes you think that I'd expend either on you?" Snape asked in sardonic and cruel tones, his mouth curling into a sneer and suddenly Harley felt all her trepidation, anxiety and embarrassment fade away.

"Oh, is that the tact you're taking. You're going to push me away now?" Harley asked, the familiarity and irritation of this game fueling her courage as she rose to her full, and yet still diminutive height and crossed her arms over her chest.

She could see Snape physically bristle as his muscles tensed and he stood even straighter, glaring down at her so ferociously that Harley felt her heart leap. But her anger had taken over, and she really didn't want to play this game now. She knew she was about to behave in a way that might be regrettable as she lost control to her emotions, but she really couldn't stop herself.

She was too weary and emotionally wrung through after everything she'd recently experienced to deal with a Snape that wanted to hurt her just so he could emotionally distance himself.

"Are you angry because I didn't tell you the whole truth? Are you afraid of what you felt, because you thought that I might die?" Harley asked rapidly, her eyes bright with the emotions warring inside her, drowning out any sense. She was simply glad that there would be no one, not even the few Slytherin students remaining in the castle, who would find themselves in this part of the Dungeons and watch her break down.

"Is that why you're pushing me away?" Harley asked heatedly, even knowing that she wouldn't get a straight answer.

"Your arrogance and delusions that your actions in anyway affect the way I feel or behave is so astonishing that it's not even the least bit amusing," Snape retorted, his voice trembling, his restraint seeming to be hanging on by a thread as he attempted to smother what he was feeling. Harley could see it in the way his eyes gleamed and his fists suddenly trembled at his side as he leaned forward to glare down at her. "You are nothing more than a lying, little girl that I have the misfortune to have for my own student-"

"I had to lie to you! I couldn't tell you the truth! You would never have-" Harley cut herself off, knowing that it was pointless to argue the point, while she tried to reign in her anger and frustration which made her chest feel tight. Her heart racing because she so wanted him to forgive her, even if it wasn't his nature, even if she hadn't really done anything wrong- because she had plenty of human failings that there was nothing she could really do about them.

"I'm not perfect!" Harley wilted, her voice cracking slightly as she downcast her gaze, knowing there was nothing she could say that would make Snape get over it or trust her. "Yes, I lied. I'm a liar. It's a necessity and I'm not sorry for it. But I don't like lying to you... I..."

She just didn't want him to push her away. She didn't know if she could take that just yet. She felt like her heart was falling apart in her chest like marzipan.

Harley was so distraught, staring down at her feet, no longer knowing what she was saying or what to say to try to make things better, that she didn't see the moment Snape seemed to crack. The moment he became overwhelmed by the way she seemed to shrink and crumble in on herself- jolting his heart and body into action.

A gasp caught in her throat when in the implosion of his restraint, his hands had snatched her up and pulled her body against his, his lips attaching to her own, which were parted in shock. With tears lining her eyelashes from her outburst, she hardly noticed as he dragged her inside his office, shut the door and pressed her against it in a feverish kiss that made her tremble.

Harley gasped, her eyes falling shut as everything inside her seemed to shutter like an long awaited exhale after being trapped under water.

Her lips and tongue responded without thought while her nerves all seemed to fire and ignite like little fireworks inside of her body, now trembling with all the long suppressed desire she'd ever contained. Her fingers unconsciously clenched into his hair tightly, pulling a guttural moan from his throat, even as one of his hands held with bruising force onto her hips while his body encased her against the thick wooden door, only holding his full weight on his free arm to keep from crushing her against it.

And Harley knew that though it wouldn't last, she would reap everything she could from it, and hold onto until he gave her no choice but to let go.

X

He'd been able to hold onto the anger, even while hiding it away as best he could. But he knew he startled to deteriorate quickly when her eyes began to shine with heart-break. When her voice lost all semblance of self-possession, cracking and breaking with the emotions that made her face flush and her body tremble.

And when her voice became small, and she shrunk in on herself, he felt something inside of himself fractured.

He wasn't sure what possessed him to grab hold of her, to haul her in to himself, and drag her into his office.

It wasn't a conscious decision to press his lips to her own soft ones, to taste her tongue when her mouth fell open in shock, or to press her enticing body against the shut door of his office and trap it there with his own, feeling her lithe, seductive curves molding to his own hard planes.

It was as if he was driven by something purely instinctual, that needed to feel her closely to know that she was really alive. To assure himself of her presence, though he knew she was safe. Like if he did not feel her, if he did not in some way possess her, he would never be sure that she was really there. Could not convince himself that she'd beat the Dark Lord unless he could feel her fire, pouring into him.

He was sure he'd lost his mind, the moment his lips found hers. That his sanity was completely nonexistent as he pushed her against the door, and kissed her with all the passion that burned inside him without any escape or reprieve.

Her body responded in kind, willingly and passionately, he lips pressed tightly against his own and her fingers clenching onto his hair painfully tight, as if she feared he'd pull away and that lit a fire inside him in a way he'd never felt before.

He should pull away. He knew this was wrong even if she was of age, but he didn't really care when the taste of her was so sublime. When her body seemed to call to his own and accept him so readily. When her body seemed to fit against him so perfectly, and she responded to him like she'd been made for him.

But she wasn't made for him, a voice in his head seemed to say... that voice that set out to ruin any happiness he'd been able to seize and he felt his body freezing and stilling.

I loved him more than anything... I don't think you'd believe the depth.

And he was grabbing her hands then, pulling them from his hair as he pushed his body away from hers, trying to regulate his breathing while his heart closed tightly like a fist.

"Get out," he spoke, his tone low and dangerous as he stepped even further away, unable to bring himself to look at her while left panting and trembling from her ardor.

If he looked at her, he knew he'd be lost. That she was his weakness, and somehow able to get past his every defense, making him incapable of saying no to her.

He didn't hear her move. He could only hear her breathing, accelerated like his own, and he had to turn away or he felt he might just fall into her once more and not be able to stop, even while his heart sank and the voice in his head, even her own words, taunted him with the fact that she could never be his. Not truly.

"Get out!" he repeated, his voice a growl while his frayed nerves trembled trying to contain the pulse of magic that wanted to explode out of him in his turmoil, while he struggled with the emotions battering his heart.

Harley exhaled a sigh then, a shuddering sigh, as if she were shaking. She sounded so weary then, so resigned and Severus felt his fists tightening as he tried not to break his resolve not to look at her and see how her lips were surely bruised and swollen. How the pupil of her eyes might be expanded, shadowing her eyes magnificently.

But then he heard the rustle of her clothes and the creak of the door as it opened. He heard her step away, but hesitate.

He thought she might say something, and screwed his eyes shut tight. But then he heard her light footsteps, and the shutting of the door and for a moment more, he stopped breathing to ensure he could no longer hear her. But she was gone... and as he exhaled, all the rage and despair coursing inside him broke free and there wasn't a piece of glass in his office, left in tact.

Severus didn't think the Holidays could end quickly enough, after that, as every moment that followed seemed to torture him with what he'd done... with what could never be.

A part of him held on to the hope, even while dreading it, that Harley would return to finish the discussion she'd started. But to his relief and even greater disappointment, she didn't come to him.

As classes started up again, Harley went on behaving like any other student, leaving him to wonder if it had all been a vivid dream. He wondered if it had really happened... or his exhaustion was merely torturing him with delusions of things he should never want but knew that could not be so. Not when he still felt her lips burning his own. Not when the fire she lit in his veins refused to extinguish.

Severus wasn't entirely sure what to make of this change. Partly fearing that he'd managed to push her away as she'd accused him, but he didn't really allow himself to believe that. Harley was too stubborn to give up so easily. At least... he hoped, deep down in the darkest recesses of his heart.

But then... why did she no longer make any effort to seek him out?

Severus tried to ignore Harley, and the way her behavior seemed to bother him, no matter what it was that she did.

He should be happy, he told himself. Happy that she was staying away from him... that she wasn't tempting him. But instead, he felt himself growing agitated.

And then, like a balm to his soul, there had been a package on his desk. Nondescript and held with twine... so unassuming while holding ingredients that he'd never come across before, from such a rare creature, he'd only recently ever laid eyes on one.

The note attached, was short and to the point- issuing both a challenge and a promise that he couldn't help, no matter how he would deny it, the slightest of smirks, twisting the edges of his lips into what almost resembled a smile.

You can't push me away.

And Severus wondered if the fact that the gift arrived on his birthday was mere coincidence, or intended.

TBC...

Owl Post- Write about an owl. Alternatively, write about surprise gifts.

vampirela69- I don't think Harley has the heart to tear down Dumbledore to Harry, knowing that Harry has so very little, though she will try to protect Harry was much as possible from him. She prob be afraid too, that Harry would chose to believe Dumbledore's character, over what Harley would have to say. Kind of like, some things you have to see for yourself. I hope that the Harley/Severus interaction was satisfactory. ;)

sunsethill- I try to keep as close to canon as possible, at least with characterizations, while still trying to explore the depths of the characters that can't be shown in the series. The HP books are children's books, so I can see why the darker themes might just be alluded to. I didn't want to make Dumbledore as manipulative as he has come through in this story, but at the same time, I have a hard time reconciling a man who used a 20-year-old to become a spy, and was willing to send a teenage boy to his death on a guess, with the grandfatherly old man that is portrayed in the first several books. But you can set your mind at east about Dumbledore doing anything to Harley. I don't really see Dumbledore as the type to use his magic to influence people's minds or actions. I think Dumbledore, at this point in the story, is starting to see how far he could use Harley for the sake of the Greater Good and Harry, so yeah he'd definitely going to want to control Harley or have her at his mercy.

savita- Thank you so much for taking the time to review! Canon Remus and Sirius will be making their appearances very soon as I plan on closing up CS in the next couple chapters and heading into PoA, so they will definitely start to appear more often! As for why Harley hasn't done anything in regards to Sirius, well it's simply because she's tried very hard not to think about either Sirius or Remus. It hurts her too much to think of them, and in order for her to function, she had to focus on her day to day, which thanks to Tom Riddle's Diary, took far more of her mind than it would've if nothing else were happening. Also... she's not sure what is happening with Sirius or Remus... she doesn't just want to assume that they are the same as they were in her own world, because that could be very dangerous for Harry if she were wrong about either of them.

WickedGreene13- Yeah, the wizarding world and some of it's inhabitants seem to be a bit... odd in terms of what they find acceptable or responsible behavior towards children or what it is safe for them to do or not do. Anyway, I'm really glad you enjoyed the last chapter! And yeah, I will be posting more for my Snuna fic! I'm glad you've enjoyed that as well! :) It's just been a bit difficult to write lately, thanks to chronic medical issues I have.

GracefulWolvesInTheNight- Thank you so much for the review! I'm glad you enjoyed Death and Snape's struggles. Their will be more of the former, and loads of the latter, in future chapters to come! ;)

wiccan182- Glad you're enjoying the story!

Onyx Thanatos Theodore Lerins- It might be a while before the two get together! Snape is just so stubborn! But fear not, it will happen, and hopefully there will be lost of fun, angsty starts and stops along the way. XD

Guest- Yes, those are all viable options for Harley. Thanks for reviewing! :)

The weasel is MINE XP- Thank you so much for taking the time to review! I'm glad that you love the story and the characters!

Foxy Talia Potter- Harley has a lot on her mind. But the question of Grimmauld place, and her objections to using it are coming up. Probably in the next chapter. I'm glad you've enjoyed the story, even in spite of the pairing. Thanks for taking the time to review.