Chapter 35: Intimacy
Disclaimer: As always
Note: Thank you for the reviews! I'm so sorry I haven't updated more recently. Thanks for sticking by/joining in! College gets in the way of such writings, you know? Keep reading though! I'm pretty sure I know where the rest of this is going.
Amanda awoke to excited voices whispering somewhere nearby.
"Do you think it would work?" asked one. Amanda rolled over, her arms going about her head in sleepy frustration.
"Of course it will work!" she yelled in hopes that they would be quiet. A soft laugh came in response, and then the cot creaked as people sat on it. Amanda removed her arms and looked at her visitors. Gawain smiled his good mornings, and Arthur touched her hand.
"Good morning," she said quietly, wondering what was going on. She sat up, and her back stung in agony. She gasped, her hands touching her sides, and Arthur nodded.
"I'll fetch the Caretaker," he said, lifting his great body off the bed as Amanda struggled to move her legs to the edge.
"I am quite fond of your idea," Gawain said, moving over to help Amanda. Amanda smiled and looked up at him.
"Really?" she asked, settling her feet on the floor, "I just figured it was the right way to go about it." Her eyes struggled to stay open, and Gawain could see she was exhausted.
"Did you sleep well?" he asked, his voice soft. Amanda looked at him and mustered a smile.
"Yes, I did. Did you?" she asked. He nodded, and looked away from her. Amanda patted his shoulder and they sat in silence for a few moments. Gawain reached up and grabbed her hand, just holding it next to him for a while.
"Amanda," he began, "I think it's time you told Arthur how you feel." Amanda looked at him steadily, and her fingers wiggled against his coarse palm.
"What makes you think that?" she asked, suddenly shy. Her blue eyes fell downward, and she tried to comprehend why he was saying this. Was he trying to distance himself from what he had said? Did he not mean any of it?
"Because it has been too long for the both of you. You cannot continue to play these games with each other, or you'll die of a broken heart," Gawain said. His eyes ran over her face – the curves of her cheek bones, the dissension of her nose, and the arch of her brow – studying the divinity of her features. He had wondered for many days now how Arthur had learned to contain himself around Amanda. She was no ordinary love interest. Before she had been tormented by Gurshion, her physique could inspire the unholiest of thoughts. For those who knew her closely, just her smile could ensure a good day. Even now, in her weakest form to date, Gawain could not tear his eyes away from the thing that he had craved for so long. In his efforts to decipher his love for Amanda, whether it was a purely carnal desire, if it was honestly the second woman he could love in his life time, or if his mind was simply giving him a diversion from the stress that had piled on top of him over the past year. His eyes locked with Amanda's, and he understood that a part of his heart would never let her go. And he knew that a part of him only desired her because she was the only one that had taken the time to know him and see him for who he was. He studied her, and they sat in company until Arthur returned with the Caretaker and Merlin.
Arthur was talking about something when he returned with the two others, but Amanda paid him no mind. She was too focused on Gawain to hear what Arthur was talking about. She was sure it didn't really matter anyway. She studied his face: the curves, lines, and contours that had made him so familiar, but she had ever really noticed. She wanted to reach out and touch him physically – it must have been a Sarmatian attribute. All of the Knights made Amanda feel an almost unreal connection, and need to comfort and be an everlasting wealth of gifts to them. Whatever they needed, she wanted to provide. She felt the Caretakers hand at her shoulder, and she was torn from the face that she was seeing in a new light. She turned slowly, and Gawain rose from the bed. She looked at him once more, studying his profile and wondering why she hadn't seen him in this way before. She had seen his soul plenty of times, but actually seen him physically? She couldn't understand why, or if it was a bad thing. Had she done this with the other Knights? His face faded away from her line of sight, and she knew that he left the tent. She stood slowly, and turned to lie on her stomach. Her eyes met Arthurs, and she smiled.
"Did you sleep well?" he asked, and Amanda nodded.
"Yes. Did you?" She held her torso up as she met the bed again, and the Caretaker waited patiently for them to finish their conversation. Arthur sat just above her head so she could see him, on the floor so they were eye level. Amanda stared at his face, and she noticed the structure of his face like she had with Gawain. She noticed the lines of worry and stress that had now been etched into his face, and the hairs around his temples that had started to shine with grey and silver at the roots. She felt herself smile softly, wondering how many of those lines and hairs she had put there on her own. A cold breeze blew at her back as the Caretaker lifted her shirt, apparently deciding that Arthur wasn't going to see anything that would sacrifice Amanda's dignity.
"I'm sorry," she said, still contemplating Arthur's face. Arthur furrowed his brow, and a deep set line appeared between his brows above his nose.
"For what? Amanda, it's barely past dawn and you're causing mischief already?" He smiled a little at the second part, and Amanda smiled back at his jest.
"No," she said softly, and she looked down at the floor beside Arthur before looking to him again, "I'm sorry for the pain I've caused you." Arthur swallowed, and was quiet. She continued, "I know that these past months alone have been unkind to you, me in particular. I regret so many of the things I have said to you in anger and in distress. At times, I know that I have acted without a heart, and seemingly, without a conscience, and have hurt you, angered you, and provoked you. I am sorry about that, and though I've promised you so many times that I would try better and not resort to trying to punish or cause you pain, I really want to be good to you. You have done so much for me Arthur, and for Nicolarious. You have literally gone beyond my imagination in both hospitality and kindness. And all those years ago when you rescued me I never thought any of this would happen. I am truly better for knowing you, and I honestly have to ask for your forgiveness." Her eyes searched for his, but his head was bent in contemplation.
"I have to ask for your forgiveness as well, then. I know that I have equally caused you pain, and I am sorry for having ever hurt you. I look back on our time together and there are many moments I wish I could take back and change. I know we have harmed each other more than we have helped, but I forgive you if you forgive me," he said, his green eyes meeting Amanda's. Her heart swelled in pride and a sense of ease that was not there before, and she smiled brightly.
"I forgave you long ago, Arthur." She reached out her hand, and though it pained her and ruffled his hair. He caught her hand before she could retreat, and he looked at her. Amanda's fooling smile faded, and a more pleasant easiness fell over her pale face.
"Amanda, you must know that the greatest pain you cause me is when you are not near, and in a state that I cannot protect you from. Nothing you could ever say or do to me tortures me more than when I do not know you are safe and well, even if you are red with anger at me," he said softly, his eyes pleading. Amanda looked at him, again, noticing his features. His mouth was an even line, and though his lips were not full like other men, they were honest. His cheeks were not sullen despite the hardships, and his eyes, though in a state of odd emotion for a king, still had a vivaciousness that even Amanda could not unveil. She couldn't help but smile, and she wondered what brought this about.
"I'll try not to leave you again, Arthur," Amanda suddenly gasped as the Caretakers warm hands touch her lashes, rubbing in the serum Merlin had been making for her. She closed her eyes and steadied her breathing.
"Is she healing?" she heard Arthur ask, and her eyes opened wide with curiosity, eager to know how her back was doing in someone's experienced opinion.
"Her skin seems to be growing again. The wounds on her lower back are healing slower than the rest, which is why she needs to stay in bed. I'm going to add some more herbs to try and settle the skins agitation. I would suggest not putting that tunic back on until it dries," he said. His voice was steady and sure, and Amanda felt that they knew enough to heal her. Merlin must have healed a hundred soldiers that had worse stab wounds and broken bones. God knew that the Caretaker had done well with Nicolarious.
"Amanda," said Arthur, his voice at her ear. Her eyes closed in an attempt to steady herself, and her attention was gathered to him, "You are going to have to listen to the Caretaker. If you do not, then things could go very badly for you, and your wounds could become infected. Promise me, Amanda?" Amanda's mind devoured the information, and she tried to clear her head from solving the mystery to simply agree to Arthur's wishes.
"Yes, I promise," she murmured. She felt Arthur's fingers at her hand, and she grasped at it like it was life. "Arthur, stay with me. Don't leave me here by myself." Her voice was weak with submission and strain. Her heart needed him to be with her so badly, and craved to pray on his seemingly infinite strength.
"Of course I'm going to stay with you," he said comfortingly, and it felt like his other hand had stroked her hair. "Do not be afraid, Amanda. Just hold my hand." Amanda felt her body relax some, the tense muscles in her shoulder, legs and feet came to terms with the new pain of the Caretakers prodding and rubbing. She opened her eyes and turned her head back out of the pillow. Arthur was sitting beside her on the floor again, and he smiled reassuringly at her.
"This will be a long day, Lady Amanda," said the Caretaker. Amanda nodded slowly.
"You are going to be fine," he said. Amanda broke a smile.
"I thought I might be. My back will look like a furious place," she said, thinking of what it will look like when the wounds heal.
"As I recall, you are fond of scars," Arthur said, his hand loosening around hers but not disconnecting. Amanda smiled.
"I am fond of them. They tell such excellent stories! These will be the only thing that will make my story believable to my children, don't you think?" Amanda laughed softly, trying to seem happy and out of pain. Arthur's thumb stroked the outsides of her fingers, and she looked down at their point of connection. She felt something wipe at her back, and she rustled.
"The wound will need to be tended to again," said the Caretaker, and Amanda went strict with fear at a greater pain.
"Will it cause me to hurt anymore?" she asked timidly.
"I doubt that. It should be like this for the night. Is there anything I can get for either or you?" he asked. Amanda felt hunger pine dimly in her stomach, but Arthur spoke for her.
"Tell Jols that Amanda needs some breakfast. Other than that, everything is fine. Thank you, Caretaker," Arthur said. Amanda looked at Arthur again, and smiled for his gentleness. She didn't hear the Caretaker leave, but when Arthur turned his attention back to her she figured the man had left.
"Thank you," Amanda said. Arthur nodded, and put his free hand on the side of his face.
"Now, Amanda, I have brought Merlin here so that we can explain your plan," Arthur said, and she saw Merlin drag a stool over to be in her line of sight as well. There was a strange look upon his face, and Amanda felt riveted by the gleam in his eye. Amanda allowed Arthur to impart upon Merlin the plan, and she accepted as he emphasized the fact that he would only have to take the knights with him. Merlin nodded in the appropriate places, but the whole time his eyes played upon Amanda's face. She did not release his gaze until Arthur had fallen silent beside her.
"I shall offer you, Arthur," Merlin said somewhat quietly, "the aid of my men." Arthur nodded, and offered his hand to Merlin.
"They have not let me down Merlin, and we are so very grateful for your continued gifts." With that, they shook hands.
"This man you go to fight, the Traitor, as my people call him –"
"—And my people, too –" Arthur added, with a sour note in his voice.
"—will he have the means to defeat you on his own?" Now his eyes fell upon Arthur. Amanda was certain that Merlin was taking in his aging qualities. Qualities and features that Amanda loved and cherished were signs of possible weakness to Merlin, and to others. They were not endearing but rather endangering.
"I understand your concerns, Merlin," Arthur said, "I am not the man you first met. However, I can assure you that Gurshion, older than I and far less experienced, will have no true testimony to having fought with a man face to face. While he may hold brilliant skills in planning tactics and strategies for legions of men, he will stand no match for my brute strength." Amanda devoured his words, and listened in slight awe at their raw passion. She had never heard Arthur speak like this – the gash Gurshion left in his pride must run deeper than her lashes.
"I put all my faith in you, my Knight. To be positive of victory is certainly pleasing to my ears. While my men may be your companions, I do not wish to send them to their deaths," Merlin stated.
"My wishes are like yours. I have separate plans for your men, and hopefully they will see little combat."
"Good," Merlin said. "Then I shall leave you to mend Amanda and speak to you nightfall next. Until then." He swept from the room calmly as he had come, and then the two were alone.
"Are things changing between us, Amanda?" Arthur asked. Amanda looked at him, and tried to convey her confusion.
"What do you mean?" Amanda asked.
"Well, take note of this entire situation. We're apologizing to each other for past wrongs, we're thanking each other without an awkward formalness that you seem to grow fond of when you're uncomfortable with me, and we're making battle plans to win back our home. To be frank, I'm surprised at the both of us," he said. Amanda understood what he meant now, and considered her feelings and state.
"I suppose, on my part anyhow, I'm afraid that I wouldn't get another chance to say those things to you. And, perhaps, I've finally found the sense I'm supposed to have and realize that those in my life that provide my joy, comforts, and friendship are more important than my pride. Does that seem sensible?" Amanda asked, wondering what Arthur thought. He studied her face, and then a smile crept over his face.
"Something more important than your pride?" he asked. Amanda felt her eyes narrow, but she smiled in spite of herself.
"Yes, despite the fact that it's taken me 23 summers to realize this, my brother, the Knights, Caia, Ambrose, Anys and you are more important than my foolish pride. God wishes that I had learned this earlier just as much as you do, Arthur."
"I do not wish that you learned anything faster than you have, Amanda. No matter how you feel about yourself, or how you prioritize feelings and people in your life, you are an amazing person. And you always will be. You have befuddled, astounded, surprised and silenced me plenty of times for me to know that you are a rare thing to be on Earth. But, I am glad that you are not being severe on yourself for having come to this discovery," he said. Amanda nodded, and saw Jols suddenly in her line of vision.
"Your breakfast, Amanda," he said.
"Oh, thank you Jols. It smells delicious," she said. Though she embellished a little bit about the quality of its smell, she knew that it wasn't Jols' fault. He worked with what little the people had. Amanda was thankful that they were fed at all. Jols was silently dismissed by Arthur, and he let go of her hand in order to get her food for her. He handed her a rough biscuit, and kept the bowl of grains and bits of meat at his side. Her hand was still warm from where he had held it, but her mind was weary and trying to shut out the pain.
"You look like you could sleep again," he said softly. Amanda looked at him, and nodded while she chewed.
"But I don't want to go to sleep again," she said, feebly.
"Why not?" Arthur asked. Amanda flashed her eyes at his, and held his gaze.
He should know why. Amanda thought, trying to read his face to tell if he was honestly wondering, or if he just wanted to hear her say it.
"I'm enjoying my company," she said, and she saw his eyes crinkle in amusement.
"You say with disdain at the way I make you say these things," Arthur said, jest and laughter in his voice.
"Of course I do! I don't like to be toyed with, Arthur," Amanda said, taking a bigger bite of the biscuit.
"On the contrary, Amanda, I think you enjoy these games. You play enough of them yourself to have an idea when they are being played, and you're just curious enough to try and figure me out," Arthur said, smiling at her. She smiled back, feeling that sense of powerlessness from Arthur. She wanted to blurt out everything she knew and felt, but something held her back. She doubted what kind of feelings he had for her. She knew he loved her on some level, but she didn't want to risk ruining their relationship if he loved her like she was his sister.
"There is something curious between you and Gawain, Amanda. Something that wasn't there before you were under Gurshion. Tell me what it is," he said. Amanda tried to hide her surprise.
How does he notice these things? I didn't think he had seen Gawain and I together more than once! Amanda was shocked at the depth of his abilities. Not only did he know something had changed between him and Amanda, but Amanda and Gawain. Did he suspect Gawain of the feelings he had confided in Amanda?
"What do you think is going on, Arthur?" she asked, taking the only route that seemed plausible if she wanted answers from Arthur without giving away Gawain.
"Now, now Amanda. That's not what I asked for you to tell me," he said. Amanda looked at him and held her hand out for the bowl of food.
"Since when have I ever done what you told me to do? I want to know what you think is happening between Gawain and I, and I think I should be allowed to ask questions before I tell you any facts," Amanda negotiated, and Arthur laughed, holding up his hands.
"All right warrior, I'll tell you what I think," he replied, and he moved his strong body closer to the edge of her bed, "I think Gawain has told you something that you do not know how to respond to, which is on the side of danger since you always have been able to react appropriately before. This means that this piece of information Gawain has imparted upon you is very important. And, in my knowing Gawain, it must have to do with him directly – directly from him to you. That leaves a minimal list of what it could actually be." Amanda watched him, her mind silently wishing she had his conclusive powers. She smiled, and nodded in agreement when he finished.
"You're right Arthur; it is a very small list. What Gawain has told me is very important to both him and I. You are also correct with my uncertainty in how to respond to him. You know that he is a dear friend of mine, and that I would do any deed to not hurt him. However, in this instance, I cannot see an option where one of us is not pained or unhappy," Amanda explained, trying to remain candid to Gawain's feelings towards her, and what he had told her about Arthur. Arthur nodded pensively, taking the full food bowl from her hands and placing it aside. He then took her hands and shifted his body to face her.
"I am surprised. Normally, you would have forsaken your own happiness to provide him his own," Arthur commented. Amanda nodded.
"I realize this, but in this matter, I fear I cannot react so simply. He has also given me advice in an attempt to protect himself, but I think I cannot act on that either for lack of courage," Amanda admitted, her eyes dropping.
"Amanda Marslyn lack courage? This cannot be the same woman! I must have made a mistake at the palace!" Arthur teased, but Amanda shied away.
"I just cannot fathom the outcomes," Amanda murmured. Arthur stroked her thumb.
"Amanda, this is unlike you – to be so cautious when it comes to advice. You either take it or reject it. This piece of advice must involve a very bold move on your part. A move that is not guaranteed success, or at least what you desire. Will you not tell me what it is?" Arthur asked. Amanda looked up at him, searching his face.
Oh, Arthur, I want to tell you. I have longed to tell you for so long. But, I do not want to ruin this, I cannot bear for you to reject me, she thought, hoping that some of this emotion would come through her pores and make sense for him. If he could guess it she could not lie to him. If it moved him to speak on it, she would not be inclined to hold herself back. If only she could have some knowledge of what he felt. For some strange reason, she felt her throat begin to knot, as if she was to cry. Arthur must have noticed this reaction, for he reached out and touched her cheek as he had done so many times before. Amanda hastily put her hand on top of his as she swallowed furiously, her fingers gripping closely to his skin. She could not think to hide her desire now. Arthur sensed her need and moved closer to her, and Amanda could feel the tears welling in her eyes. He scooped her up legs up and then rested them on top of his lap as he drew near, putting his other hand on the base of her neck.
"What are you s afraid of?" he asked softly, and Amanda laughed softly as he sent her knees to quake with that voice.
"Everything you said. You are completely right. This advice he gave me involves putting a great deal of myself at stake, and my life would be so much simpler if I could be certain of what would happen. But, I cannot bring myself to utter the words, even now as I sit here in my compromised weakness," Amanda explained, as the tears in her eyes evaporated away and she felt the knot in her throat loosen. Arthur watched her as her body relaxed, continuing to stroke her cheek.
"He's told you he loves you, hasn't he?" Arthur asked after a great pause. Amanda's eyes snapped to his face and her lips parted in some sense of disbelief.
"How did you know?" she asked, bewildered. "Honestly Arthur, if you have been snooping on my private conversations –" why are you dragging this out and not responding to my love for you?
"Now now Amanda, I do not invade the privacy of those I wish to protect. I only had to think on it. If there is one thing you value over everything else, it is love. You love those around you so much that you will sacrifice your own free will to protect and preserve them. But, even the idea of you marrying someone you love but are not in love with frightens you. Unfortunately, there is this great battle within, the part of you that has an infinite desire to please and provide joy to those around you and the part of you that desires some of that for yourself," he explained, and Amanda, though still dumbfounded, nodded quietly in agreement.
"Aye, Arthur, he has told me that he loves me. And that is the battle I am having with myself. Gawain knows this, and his advice he gave me earlier involves not only a great opening for myself to be severely damaged, but involves him being denied the only thing he has ever expressed to me as wanting. If his advice turns to be leave me damaged, I cannot go back to him and tell him he was wrong. I just cannot bear to think of Gawain as being alone for the rest of his life because of me," Amanda said, the words flowing from her mouth like a fountain, unable to stop them even though she knew she had said too much. She could predict what Arthur was to say next.
"You love another?" he asked, point blank. Amanda downcast her eyes, feeling the red fill her cheeks. She lifted a hand to her head and buried her fingers into her short hair. She waited several moments before she answered, trying to assure herself that she would not reveal to him who it was. Then, she lifted her head and looked into his green eyes. She smiled to herself, thinking only on how no matter how hard she tried to keep herself a knot and closed off, Arthur unraveled her and opened her up unlike any other.
"Yes Arthur, I love another. I told Gawain that I could not love him in any other way than I do now, and that was when he gave me the advice. He has known I have loved this person for some time, so that is why I believe he told me to do what I am struggling with and is resigned to the fact that he will not find another to love. Which breaks my heart."
"I'm sorry he is contributing to the pain of this struggle," Arthur answered, "and it is a sad thought for him to feel like he will not find another to love." Amanda nodded in agreement, and took her legs off of Arthurs lap, curling them up under her body.
"Tell me." Arthur said. Amanda looked at him.
"Tell you what?"
"Tell me who it is," Arthur said. Amanda laughed.
"No," she answered, adjusting the blankets around her. Arthur moved closer to her again.
"Amanda, I want to know," he said, his eyes actually pleading with her. Amanda was actually taken aback by this, wondering why he would want to know so badly.
"Why do you want to know?" she demanded.
"Because I need to tell you if he is a good man or not," Amanda stared at him in his response, and then laughed wildly.
"Oh, Arthur," she said, her speech broken between peals of laughter, "he is a good man. I assure you." Arthur furrowed his brow, obviously offended by her reaction.
"Then why are you so afraid to tell him?" Arthur yelled, and it silenced Amanda.
"Why would I tell him?" Amanda asked back, and Arthur rose from the bed. He looked at her, shook his head and walked out of the tent. Amanda sat in the bed, totally flabbergast at what had just happened before her. She sunk back into the pillow, her mind racing to try and figure out why Arthur had gotten upset with her. Why, after he had been so gentle and caring with her had he been so cross? What had she said?
The fire was roaring and the people were in a better mood than usual. A few of them had finished the final hut for the last family, and other had secured some seeds for planting. A few Woads had come by to speak to Arthur about where border patrols should be placed and to confirm their meeting with Merlin and him in the coming night; their wives had come bearing game they caught earlier that day. Merlin joined them later that day, and Amanda sat by the fire as she listened to Arthur thank him.
"Merlin, you have come to our aid so much, there aren't enough ways for me to express my gratitude," he said, truly humbled. Merlin nodded, but changed the subject. Amanda turned her attention away from their conversation, her mind mulling over whether Arthur was no longer angry with her, and why on earth he had been upset in the first place. Amanda let her eyes wander over to Caia and Ambrose – the divine pair. She smiled softly at them, excited for them to marry and finally be together.
Finally be together, Amanda repeated, saddened a little. I would like to finally be with Arthur. She watched the two hold hands and kiss swiftly as to not attract attention to themselves, and laugh and smile at each other as if their whole world had not drastically changed a short while ago. Amanda's mind flashed to Gurshion, and the thought of him sitting in the palace made her skin crawl. The blood crept to her ears as her anger rose, and she wrapped her fists around her to prevent being noticed. How could someone like that have beaten Arthur's magnificent army? How could Gurshion have made it in? Amanda reached for a mug of ale, something she was hesitant to do, but now felt she deserved.
It doesn't matter, Amanda, she told herself, he is losing his credibility as a leader in that palace, and the Irish and Saxons are certainly not going to stand for it much longer. Amanda cleared her throat before she took a swig of the ale, and then she closed her eyes in thought. Her mind raced through memories of the year that had past them, and twangs of pain thumped at her heart. This year had been difficult to bear – it seemed a miracle that they had all made it through in one piece. And then Amanda reminded herself that they were hardly in one piece.
"I would not be drinking much more of that, if I were you," Galahad said, dropping down next to her.
"And what, pray tell Master Galahad, makes you think I want any more?" She let her voice drip with humor and amusement. Galahad smiled and took the mug from her pale hands.
"Not a thing, my dear lass, 'cept that twinkle in your eye," he said, and she reached forward to ruffle his hair. "How are you feeling?" Amanda looked down into her now empty hands, and sighed. Her back was in pain, there was no question in that. Her mind reverted back to her lost sense of self. Was there anything inside her beyond confusion and some sense of love?
"I am well, Galahad, better than I have been in many, many days. And how are you?" she asked, locking eyes with her dear friend. She saw some flit of pain in them, and she narrowed in on it. "You are unhappy."
"Not as unhappy as I was before you came back," he answered, his elbows propping him upon his thighs and he bent over his body.
"Tell me what troubles you," she asked.
"It's more like frustration. Being here, in this shameful moor, degraded to be outcasts. We built that place with our bare hands, Amanda. You were not there to see it rise about the earth in defiance of everything Roman and Saxon. And to have some traitor take it out from under us – " he broke off, his hands trembling around his own mug. Amanda could not help but share in his anger.
"Galahad, I understand you better than anyone how you feel. But, I promise you, the plan we have devised to win back Camelot is sure not to fail. Bring that fury you harbor in your chest to that battle and there is no one who will shine brighter than the Knight there to avenge what is rightfully his." Her hand gripped his forearm in excitement, and she searched his eyes. "My friend, do not let this frustration eat at you. There are a thousand ways you can be helping your brothers here without letting Gurshion damper your spirits and your pride."
"How am I to help people that I do not know, nor have anything in common with?" he asked, a tone of outrage coming through. Amanda did not wish to provoke him; she did not want him to feel accused.
"You can start by looking for what you share. Galahad, you are one of the most amicable people I know! How could you be at a loss for people you have lived among for all these years? Do not think that I am trying to make you feel guilty or ashamed, please no – just think of me as trying to help you rid yourself of this grief in your heart until it is time to use it against our enemy. There is no sense in keeping it alive for our friends." Amanda finished, looking at him, hoping her appeal would not fall on deaf ears. Galahad looked at her, and after a few moments a grin split across his face.
"Amanda, you never cease to rouse me to do your will. You are the sister I never had and the love I have yet to find," he said, happily. She saw now a reflection of the Galahad she had always known. It was comforting to her to know he was buried in there, but still alive.
"And you are the older brother I never wanted!" she said, jokingly. Galahad laughed and moved to be rough with her, but she put up her hands in defense, "No, you cannot touch me! I am frail and weak!"
"That she is, and she should return to bed," said a deep voice from behind her. Amanda nodded and closed her eyes, picturing his face before her.
"Oh Arthur, the man who possesses the words to make all the entertainment stop," Amanda said, hoping the humor would appeal to his better nature. She tilted her head back to stare up his chest into his face. He smiled stiffly down at her. "All right, all right, I will retire." Amanda pushed herself up gingerly and turned to Galahad.
"Care to escort me back to my astonishingly beautiful abode?" she asked, sticking out her arm.
"If I must," Galahad answered, feigning a begrudging look, and hopped up to her side. "I cannot wait until you are well again and I can tackle you when you deserve it!" Amanda gasped in response as they parted ways from the crowd, heading towards Arthur's tent. And then it occurred to Amanda that this would be the third night she had taken his bed. She halted.
"Arthur," she said softly, and turned to his back. "Where is my new shelter?" He turned half to her, his body perpendicular to her.
"I beg your pardon?" he asked, confused.
"I cannot keep taking your bed from you, you need a place to sleep. Where is my new shelter and bed?" she asked, clarifying her meaning. He blinked in her direction a few times as if it hadn't crossed his mind.
"I shall set up another bed for tonight, and we can address that in the morning," his voice sounding lazy. Amanda nodded curtly and turned again, rejoining Galahad. They chattered and bickered merrily until they were upon the tent, and Galahad released her arm.
"Anys is in there waiting for you, I believe," he said, peering through the parted canvas.
"Galahad," Amanda began, curious, "do you think Anys pretty?" Galahad looked startled by her question.
"I suppose, I've never really gotten a good look at her." Amanda smiled innocently, and he grinned in knowing what she was up to. "Now now Amanda, there is no time for you to be playing matchmaker."
"There is always time, darling," she said, one hand pushing aside the canvas while the other patted his cheek. She heard him snort with laughter as he walked away, and Amanda smiled brightly at Anys.
"Oh, m'lady!" exclaimed Anys, her eyes darting up and down her body.
"Anys, what have we discussed about those silly titles?" Amanda asked, moving towards the bed.
"That you do not like them, and that I am to address you as Amanda, because that is your name," Anys recited flawlessly, but hurriedly, "forgive me for the mistake, but there is something here for you." Amanda looked up at her interested, and Anys stepped aside to reveal the stool that both Arthur and Merlin had most recently sat in. For a moment what was there did not register in Amanda's mind, but then her lips parted in a gasp that was barely audible. Her eyes lit up at the sight of a small note, tied together with a red ribbon. At first she could not move forward to attend to the note, her heart pounding in the mystery of it all.
"Do you think it could be?" Amanda asked, her eyes flitting to Anys for an instant before they were sucked back to the note.
"It has to be, Amanda," Anys whispered, staring at the note as well. Amanda rose swiftly from the bed, her hand reaching the note before she had even taken a step. She untied the ribbon clumsily, her fingers trembling and her stomach doing somersaults in her chest. Finally the ribbon fell to the floor at her feet and she was unraveling the parchment as quickly as she could. There upon the page was his tight and tidy scroll, the scroll she had missed so dearly before she was left with Gurshion.
My dearest,
How is it that even when you have left me for so long,
that my heart still pounds in my ears when you are near?
Please, do not leave me again. There is nothing more I desire
than to continue to see your bright and shining face.
May I ask something of you?
-M.
Amanda's heart leapt into her throat. How did he know to twist such words to her delight? She lowered herself down onto the bed, the note clutched tightly in her hand. Her head found the pillow, and though she could not see them, not turn to look, she imagined the stars above shining slightly brighter for her. Surely, her feelings for Arthur were more pronounced than this man could ever accrue from her – but he did not fear to show his affection for her.
"Did you want to send a note back, Amanda?" Anys asked, lifting one of her legs and taking off a boot. Amanda smiled dreamily.
"No, not tonight Anys. I think it best to wait until the morrow."