Disclaimer: the Hunger Games trilogy belongs to Suzanne Collins

Chap 36

I sit on my cage, holding my knees, watching the doctors fix the Mockingjay. I have one or two broken ribs from being thrown to the ground, my wounds on shoulders, my palms with skin scraped off, my face with scratching by my own hand. That's all they can fix so that they can bring back the shell of the rebellion bird. People can't offer me anything for the big hole in my heart. They come and talk, offering consolation, meaningless words. I refuse to talk. I don't even cry or using the morphling or anything to sleep. Sleep comes when my body is too tired. No dreams, no nightmare, just darkness, hollow. I won't find peace again, never.

Prim and mother, they spend all their break time from working to be at my side. Their embraces are warm but I can't find the steadiness and security. Haymitch reeks of alcohol, sharing the silence with me. We're truly defeated this time. Plutarch just comes to give information. Jackson visits me on her wheelchair. Gale and Finnick after being checked on their health and asked about our squad's members, come to see me together. Gale looks depressed. It's time when the death children before the President mansion come back and haunt him. Hundreds of lives now weigh on his shoulders.

"It was my bomb." He mutters, his face on his hands.

"I always wonder why she put you in the team. You did many things for her and supported her." Finnick says. Gale turns to him in puzzle.

"She wanted to use your bombs, your trap, and then she can blame you, a dead person if things go bad for her." Finnick explains.

"But why? It's the end of the war, there's no need to use them. And those were civilians and our own medics." Gale exclaims. Finnick quickly shushes him, and lowers his voice.

"It's her last hit on anyone supporting the old government. Don't you see people turned to her immediately?!"

"She's no better than Snow." Gale says. "I will tell Panem the truth. About the bombs and about our squad."

"Don't let emotions cloud your judgment, Hawthorn. We have no evidence left. The Holo was gone and I bet they shot down that hovercraft. Don't pull anyone else in this. There're enough deaths." Finnick snaps.

Gale wants to talk more but I know what's going on his head. His family, my family, Beetee, Annie, Jackson… too many people involving. He drops his head on his hands again.

"It was my bomb." He repeats.

I motion for Finnick to leave us alone. He gives me a pat on shoulder and leaves the room.

"Gale," I say. It's the first time I talk for a week. He looks up. "Gale, find Madge." I say.

"Katniss."

"Gale, listen to me. Madge can bring you peace and happiness. You need her." I say.

"Katniss, I need you. I…" He's being stubborn. I shake my head, stopping him.

"Look at us, Gale." I sigh. I use my bandaged hands to keep his face straight. Look at how broken we are. Gale and I are too much alike and when we're broken, we just can't help the other, we can't pick up other's pieces. The fire doesn't need adding to another fire to cause a disaster. It needs a hand to take care of it, to give it something to continue burning and being useful, not harmful. I lost mine and withered but he's not. He just doesn't realize it yet.

Gale swallows hardly. It's the first time I see the weakness in his eyes. In years we push ourselves to be strong and brave for our family's sake. We didn't realize how weak we are. Madge and Peeta, even the sound of his name is hurt, they're actually the stronger.

Knock! Knock!

I let go of Gale. Plutarch and my doctor are standing at the doorway.

"Did I interrupt something?" He asks. He manages to wear the most serious face every times he comes and sees me.

"No, it's fine. I'm about leaving." Gale says. He stands up and hugs me.

"You will always be my best friend and I just want the best for you. Go find her. Do it for me." I whisper.

"Okay, Katniss." He whispers back.

Plutarch brings me information as always while the doctor undoes the bandage on my hands. I open and close them. I can use my bow again. It's time for me to finish the deal with Snow, to revenge. I will kill them both.

"Plutarch." I cut in the flow of information which I didn't let in my head even a word. "Tell President Coin I want to execute Snow as soon as possible."

He's a little surprising at me talking but quickly grabs the situation. He turns to the doctor.

"We can release her in a few days." The doctor says. Plutarch nods his head.

"Okay. I will tell her."

They leave. I lie alone, watching grey clouds passing the window. I wonder what I will do in the execution to kill both of them. What if Coin doesn't show up? Well, if Snow knows her, when he asked me this deal, he must calculate everything. Then what I will do after that. They will punish me for sure. What about my family? Whoever steps ahead will be different from Snow and Coin. They will leave my family alone. Will Prim be alright?

"Sometimes I just wish you can cry. Maybe that will make you feel a little better."

I turn my head. Prim sits down beside me, puts my food tray on the closet. I sit up, eating while she combs my hair. She tells me about the work, tells me how different and how modern things are in Capitol hospital.

"Prim, tell me, what you want to do after we return to Twelve." I ask. Prim loses a while at surprising and crying happily because I speak.

"Katniss. You want to come back to Twelve?" Prim asks. I nod. I won't come back anywhere but I won't tell her that.

"Katniss. I… They say if we want, if we want, mother and I can work and study in the new hospital in District Four. But… if you don't want to move to Four, I will stay in Twelve with you. I can learn myself." She says. Her eyes spark when she mentioned about Four. I know how much she wants to become a doctor. And mother will take good care of her like she did in the bombing.

"No, Prim. You will go to Four. I will be fine." I tell her.

"Really?"

"Yes, I will be fine." I say and gaze at the window. Yes, when I'm done here, maybe I can even meet him again.