A/N I'm really sorry that ya all had to wait so long for this chapter. As from now on this is the only multi chapter story I'm writing. So I hope to be able to update without so much time between chapters. But I do have to study a lot, so it could be that I won't be able to update more then once a week. I will do the best I can though.
A/N 2 This chapter contains graphic images of violence. If you don't want to read that, it will be for the best to skip at least half way down this chapter from the point it starts. It will be clear when.
A/N 3 From now on Professor Angie Cavanaugh will only be named Angie when she is acting or speaking.
Enjoy reading this chapter.
Please R+R, my muse is driving me crazy for wanting more reviews. ( I want reviews too of course :D).
Chapter 31
"Yes of course. So, you changed your mind, Detective?" Cavanaugh asks.
"No, I haven't. Damn Carmichael made me go." Olivia grumbles, pouting like a cranky toddler.
Alex and Casey try not to burst out in laughter, knowing it won't help them to calm down the moody Detective.
Angie frowned her eyebrows at Olivia´s answer.
"Not that I want to change it, because I don't. But you do know that she can't make you go?" Angie asks.
"Oh believe me, Angie. She can. And if the rolls were turned around I would have done the same thing. So don't worry about it. That doesn't mean I don't hate it. Just that I know not to do something stupid." Olivia answers.
"Alright then. I will make the call. If things stays as they are we need to get ready in 2 hours approximately. Call me if you need me earlier." Angie says.
"We will. Thank you for doing all of this for me." Olivia says.
"No need to thank me, Detective. If I would be in your position I would have gone crazy already. And I do understand you want to leave this hospital as soon as possible. Can't say you're are wrong about wanting that." Angie answers, smiling a bit at Olivia.
"Alright. See you later then." Olivia says.
Angie nods at the three women and leaves the room. Olivia looks at Casey.
"Case, can you go to all of our apartments and get the stuff we need to take with us?" Olivia asks.
"Yes, of course, Liv. Why don't you both make a list with what you want me to pack and I'll get it?" Casey asks.
"Are you sure, Casey? You have enough time to go to all three of our apartments?" Alex asks.
"Yes, I do. It's no problem. Knowing Liv, I don't think she has a lot of things she wants to take with her. Neither do I. Well more then her of course but it's not that I will be busy with that for an hour. So unless you want to take your entire wardrobe with you, I think I'll manage it." Casey answers.
Olivia snickers for a moment at Casey's last comment.
"You think that's funny, Detective?" Alex asks, but smiles at Olivia.
"Yes, as a matter of fact I do. Casey is right, it won't be your whole wardrobe but I'm pretty sure your list will be bigger then the both of us together, Counselor." Olivia smirks.
"Well, you're probably right about that, if Casey is like you. She's done packing your stuff sooner then she drives from your apartment to mine." Alex answers.
"Yes she is and start making that list, Lex. The sooner your done with it, the sooner Casey can go." Olivia says.
"Alright, no need to get in my hair." Alex says.
Olivia smiles sweetly at Alex. Alex shakes her head and starts writing a list of what Casey need to get from her apartment. Ten minutes later they all are done and Casey can go get their stuff. Alex and Olivia give Casey the keys to their apartments and Casey leaves to get their things. When she closed the door behind her Olivia turns to Alex and looks the blonde in her cerulean eyes.
"Lex, there is something we need to talk about. More specific, there is something I need to tell you about. But there was no time before with everything that happened and everyone walking in and out this room. Now that we are alone for some time I think it's time I should tell you it." Olivia says.
"Should I be worried?" Alex asks, already worried.
"No. It's not like it's gonna change things. Not physically at least. So don't worry about that." Olivia answers.
"I guess I just should let you tell me what you need to tell me then. I can worry about it afterwards if I need to." Alex says.
"I don't know how to start telling this. I've talked to so many victims, heard their stories, asked them questions and I don't know how to do this about myself. First thing you should know is that I was conscious when Brown assaulted me. When she.. raped me. She waked me up and injecting something that made it impossible for me to move but I was still awake. I felt what she has done and saw how she looked at me when she did it." Olivia says, looking down, afraid of Alex's reaction.
To say that Alex is shocked at this revelation is obviously. She is speechless at first. Needing a few moments to register the bomb Olivia just dropped into her lap. She is slightly back in control a few moments later. Pulling Olivia against her and gently puts her index finger under the brunette's chin to pull her face up softly.
"Before I say anything else, I want you to know that this, and what you will tell me next, doesn't change a thing about how I feel about you, nor how I look at you. You are still that amazing woman I'm allowed to call my wife. I'm so sorry, Liv. Sorry that you had to go trough this. That you had to see and feel what that bitch did to you without being able to move. Not being able to defend yourself." Alex says softly.
"The worst part was what she did and the worst part was how she was looking at me and talking to me without being able to do something about it. Not being able to talk back. Well, everything together. Not being able to stop her and that there was nothing I could do. She had a crazy look in her eyes, cold and amusing and at the same time her eyes were unreadable. I'm not easily scared, but her eyes that time scared the creep out of me. I found out that I couldn't move when she pulled up my legs and lay them down in surgical irons. I couldn't see them, there was a sheet thrown over them. And then I found out that I couldn't speak. I tried to yell and scream but I couldn't. She talked the whole time. Telling me things, asking me questions. Fully aware that I couldn't speak at all." Olivia almost whispers, tears streaming down her cheeks.
Olivia takes a few deep breath to calm herself down. Alex holds her Detective in her arms. With one hand on the brunette's back making small circles trying to relax her a bit.
"Liv, honey, you don't have to do this right now. You don't have to tell me everything now. It's alright to wait to tell me more. I can wait. It can wait. I'm here for you and I won't go anywhere." Alex says.
"I know you are, Lex. I trust you. But I need to tell you this. I don't want you to have those pictures in your head too, nobody should have too. But I can't handle this on my own. I need you. And to help me deal with this, help us deal with this, I need you to know what happened. You deserve to know what happened. I had to tell Abby and Amanda all of it, they needed my statement. I needed to report it. But I don't want them to know what happened without you knowing it. You're my wife. We have a life together I need to learn to deal with this for our sake,for my own sake and for our future. I refuse to let her win. I refuse to let her destroy our life, my life. I won't let her win. She won't own my mind or my soul. That belongs to you and me. I will fight as long as it takes to get my life back. And the first step on that road is telling you what happened." Olivia says.
"We will fight together to get our life back. She will never win, she will never reach her goal. I love you, for the rest of my life and there is nothing she can do to change that. No one can. We won't allow anyone to tear us apart. You shouldn't need to deal with what happened too. Nobody does. But you have to and so do I. I won't let you deal with this alone. I know that you needed to tell Abby and Amanda, but you can take your time to tell me it too. It's alright if you need to wait. It's also alright if you want to tell me this now. You need to do what is the best for you now." Alex says.
"If I don't tell you what happened it feels like I keep it a secret for you. I don't want that. I don't want to keep secrets, not to you. So as hard as it may be, I will tell you it." Olivia says, taking a deep breath before she continues.
"When she had me lying down the way she wanted, she started... she started pushing things... inside me. Different kind of objects. I don't know what. I didn't see them. She asked me if.. she asked me if it was as fun for me as it was for her, if I liked it, every time she changed the object... that she pushed inside. After a while she stopped. She said that playing time was over... that it was time for the real stuff. That's... that's when she did it. I think. I didn't know what she was doing, then. Now I do know. She putted a duckbill pliers inside me and then some kind of small tube. That's how she tried to get me... pregnant. After she pulled the tube and the duckbill pliers out she cleaned up. And sedated me again. I thought that I hallucinated it when I was awake and saw you. It seemed so unreal, that it couldn't be true. I thought you and everyone else would think I went crazy. Hell, I thought it myself. Until she confessed that I could be pregnant... that's when I found out it wasn't a hallucination. That I wasn't crazy. That she really had done it, that she raped me. That what happened to my mother now happened to me.
I don't know what to do if the circle will close and I'm pregnant too. My mother didn't have a choice and had to stay pregnant. She didn't gave me up for adoption. We know how that ended, getting to be an abusive alcoholic and being reminded of what happened the rest of her life. All my life I have fought to not end up like my mother did. Afraid that one day I will become an alcoholic or worse be a rapist myself. Look how that ends up now. I might be pregnant with my rapist's child and that of her what ever he was, boyfriend perhaps and a convicted rapist. What are we going to do if I'm pregnant, Lex? What am I going to do?I don't even know how many embryo's she placed inside me." Olivia ask, ending telling Alex what happened.
Alex needed all her skills as an attorney to control the rage of anger she felt right now. Not to show it. The last thing Olivia needed now was for her to lose control. To show the anger she feels. That's how Alex saw it. As far as she concerned she needed to be the Ice Queen most people thought she was and be there for Olivia. So Alex took a deep breath and focused herself on Olivia.
"What ever it is you will decide to do or what we will do if you want that, I will stand beside you every step of the way. But why don't we wait to think about that and make that decision when we know for sure if your pregnant or not? Unless you want to do it earlier of course.
I would never think you are crazy or were crazy, Liv. I would have believed you if you would have told me before she confessed it. I know you would have told the truth even if you thought you were hallucinating. I would have known it is the truth even if she would have denied it. And you are not your mother, Liv. You will never be. Nor will you be like the man that raped her. You are the most kind, trustful, protective and sweet person I know. There is not a single bad bone in your entire body. You will never be like either of them. Now you may not believe that, but I do. I know it. I wouldn't have married you if I thought you would become violent one day and hurt me or, maybe, future children in any possible way. You would rather kill yourself first then to do even so much as pointing a finger at me or them.
Thank you for trusting me, telling me what Brown did to you. I will do everything I can to help you, to be there for you. You are the most precious person in my life, Olivia Benson. My life would be nothing without you, without you being my wife. It wouldn't mean anything anymore if you're not in it at my side. Just so you know that." Alex says.
"You are amazing, Alexandra Benson-Cabot. You always know what to say when I don't know it anymore. You might be right, waiting until we know for sure if I'm pregnant or not. But this is our decision, Lex. We are in this together. It doesn't only count what I think or want. What you think or want is equally important. To me it is. It's gonna take time to be able to move on, but with you by my side I know it is possible. Yes it's gonna be hard. I know there will be times when I think I turned into what my mother was or the man that raped her. I know that it will take more then, to convince me that I'm not like her. But deep down inside I know you are right. I always think back at the Darrel Guan case and what you were saying in your closing statement. How you are convinced that we do have a choice to not act and seek for help if or when needed. I know you wouldn't have married me if you were convinced that I would be like my parenting. And if it is you, who is telling me that, then I believe it. I know you would never lie to me. That you always will tell me the truth. Whether I like it or not. It's just that sometimes I need to be remembered of that. That I need to be convinced of that.
I love you very much, Lex. Without you my life would be meaningless. Without you by my side, I would be completely and utterly lost, not able to survive. We might argue and fight, like cats and dogs as they say, but no matter what I will always love you.
All this heavy talking is quite exhausting, at least it is for me. So what do you say of the idea to snuggle up against me and try to get some sleep now that we are able to get it?" Olivia asks.
"I think that is very good idea. I'd like to snuggle up against you. Just to be in your arms and feel your body against mine. I'm gonna tell Fin that we are taking a nap and that nobody except for Casey or Abby is allowed to come inside." Alex answers while she gets up from Olivia's bed.
Alex walks to the door and opens it. She tells Fin what she said to Olivia and then closes the door and walks back to the bed. Climbs in it and snuggles up against Olivia. Letting her head rest on the brunette's chest. Olivia puts her arm around Alex's waist and let out a content sigh. Happy to be able to hold the blonde attorney in her arms and against her own body.
"Love you, Lex. Sleep well." Olivia says.
"Love you too, Liv. Sweet dreams, honey." Alex answers back.
It doesn't take long before both women are sound asleep. They have a long and hard way to go but the most important thing is that they have each other.
A/N 4 I know this was a short chapter but I wanted it to be about the conversation between Alex and Olivia. And only about them. They deserved a chapter with only the two of them in it. In my opinion.
I'll try to update as soon as possible.