Christian's POV

I kept myself as busy as possible. There were always more to do in GEH than anyone would be able to do. And then there was the unavoidable knowledge of at least some prosecution and charges. So, in order to prepare, I needed to relook all juridical papers that are involved. If anything happened to me, or should I get imprisoned, my dad took over my company, leaving Ros as active leader and my father only had to confirm bigger decisions.

I could only hope that GEH would survive it without major catastrophe. But that catastrophe was going to hit anyway. When news would spread, at least half of our deals would fall off and I did my best to secure as many jobs I was able to save in advance.

I also continued my work with Flynn and little by little my world really started to change. Maybe I really needed that one final shock of hurting someone I… Someone I cared a lot about. My family kept calling me and coming over. Elliot made it his mission to send me stupid jokes every single day. At first it was confusing, but after a while it felt good to let them closer. They saw me and didn't run. They saw me and didn't despise what they saw? So, maybe, just maybe I wasn't that much of a pain to look. I still had my doubts, but now I had them and that iron tower, I had built around myself, started to fall apart.

And Kate! You should have seen Kate, when they came over. First she wanted to see the red room, but it was already empty, so I couldn't help her in that. Then I led her to Ana's room. She looked into closet, walked through the bathroom and came back to sit on the bed and stare. She sat there at least an hour. She didn't say a word that day, but I knew that she was burning and bleeding.

Oh, and police! I had been there more than once or twice and every single time my dad sat right next to me. He didn't say much and like he had promised, he didn't act as a lawyer. They told that my statements were okay and I had to wait the further actions. But we were called to DA's office at the end of the June.

"Mr. Grey! Mr. Grey!" She greeted and asked us enter.

"After your initial testimony, we had a new way for looking. It took a while, but eventually we were able to find information that will give pedophilia as an addition to Elena Lincoln's charges. We found quite disturbing material and in order to avoid any disasters in court, I'd like you to see one clip."

"Wait!" I stopped her. "There was more? More than just I?"

"Yes, mr. Grey. I can't give you the details, but there were video evidences for more than ten teenagers. We can't be sure at the moment, how many of them would be able to come on light, but material is hard anyway."

I nodded. She started the video and I saw a scene in front of me. Woman in black and red-haired boy! Fuck! When I was in that age, I thought I was so big and grown up that I was capable for making my own decisions. But the boy on the screen was nothing like a man I saw in the mirror that morning. Boy on screen was half a head shorter than I am and he was so skinny, almost fragile. You could see hesitation and fear in his movements. You could see his eagerness for being "good" in order to what? To get laid and beaten next time he dared to have an average grade in school?

My dad stood up and ran to the dumpster. He left his breakfast and some more in there and came back.

"I'm sorry for the mess," he apologized. "Knowing what went on, couldn't prepare me for this."

We looked further and I saw a whole different picture. In my memories I had found a way to get laid without touching. In my memories I knew I didn't deserve softer touch than this. In my memories I was the leader of my own thoughts. But on the video there was a boy, who needed a hug he couldn't get. It was a freaking young boy with underdeveloped body! He was visibly in the middle of growth spurt – bones already tall, but muscles were still struggling to go along.

"Would you agree to give public testimony, if it would be needed for getting a stronger case? I do my best to get this trial behind the closed doors, but there are always chances that we can't keep it as quiet as we want."

Suddenly Ana's behavior made more sense. If I would have…? No! The boy didn't see any light in the end of the tunnel. He was too deep in his less than neutral self-image. I nodded. She had to go down!

"Good! You are too old for having a case by yourself, but your story would help to show how consistent her behavior was and it definitely wasn't a single case."

We left her office, but before any of us were able to say a word, psychologist stopped us.

"I'd like to have a word with you both. But separately," he insisted. "If it was up to me, I'd like to start with mr. Carrick Grey." He looked at me and added: "It would literally take ten minutes maximum. Can I trust you to wait or should we arrange another time to meet?"

"It's okay," I assured and sat on chair. I don't know how long it took. I tried to think how old I was on that video. Was I 16 or 17? I wasn't able to say. I only saw again and again in my mind, how that boy, who seemed to be so far from me, flinched when the bitch started to talk. I had to be scared as hell! Why didn't I remember that? I only remembered the relief and euphoria of being able to get what all the other guys around me wanted.

I heard when dad sat next to me and sighed.

"I'm even more fucked up than I thought," I mentioned.

"Not you," he sighed again. "But the whole situation is that indeed. And don't you dear to tell your mother that I agreed with phrase "fucked up"! But go now!"

I stepped inside, I was asked to sit, I nodded for a cup of coffee. I was torn in pieces and I didn't know where was up and where down. That boy on the video thought he had the control over his actions and man who sat face to face with a therapist, he didn't even know, had no control at all. Somehow every stone in my life seemed to fall down.

"I wanted to talk about two different things," he started. "But first let me ask how are you feeling?"

"I'm holding together. At least something and I just hope it's not the dust."

"Thank you for your honesty! But I'm afraid I'm going to rock your world even more."

"Is that even possible?" I was trying to smirk, but It sounded more like pure bitterness.

"Well, let me try! First I know you've been asked that more than once, but could you tell all those tiny markers you made before your decision on Wednesday night."

"It wasn't a rational decision, was it?"

"Humor me!" He gestured me to go on and I went:

"First hint was, when Joe stepped into that freak medical room. He had been there not once previously. When they later came into our table, they were constantly glancing between themselves. There was some discussion going on and some decisions were made right before Elena talked. One look to Taylor told he smelled a war. I pulled Ana up and saw her in worse situation than ever. Not only trembling anymore but she was humming as well. I needed to get her out and fast before it turned to catastrophe."

"I've heard all those words, but I need you to listen a second!" He pushed a button. Gosh, I already hated all recorders!

"In business, if there is a poor choice made. What would be worse for you? If someone had done a mistake based on too little or falsely interpreted knowledge or by emotion? Let's say a fear that was blinding?"

"Out of emotion, obviously."

"Why? Would you elaborate a little?"

"Miscalculation could happen. I would never look at it easy, but with training and motivation you can always come better. Sometimes there really isn't enough information and shouldn't be a reason for a rash decision, but you should looking for more. But emotional decisions lead to the conclusion that you really can't trust the person."

"Now! You have referred more than once that you panicked and yet again you keep giving details that gives us the knowledge, that it was calculated decision. You are ready to take full responsibility over your actions. I was wondering whether your reaction to indicate in emotions was based on what we just listened and you were punishing yourself or were there other emotions in game and they were more intense than you thought. I don't want any answer. This is something you should think about. By the way, if it is your punishing route, it would also smell like hidden emotions."

I was speechless. In most simple way he turned my own words against me. Emotion! Yes, there was one: need to keep her alive, whether she wanted or not. But…

"Now the other thing," he interrupted my thoughts. "I know it shouldn't be my business, but may I ask the name of your regular therapist?"

"Why? Not that it's a secret or anything, he's John Flynn, but why?"

"Flynn? He's good and he probably already has addressed the problem, but because of my specialization, I still think I might give him some advice."

"And the point of this roundish bullshit is?" I was losing whatever patience I had found after exiting DA's office.

"Mr. Grey, how much have you heard about Stockholm syndrome?"

"That's something about captivity theme. If I can recall correctly it's the case where victim starts to justify captivator's activities?"

"Quite correct! But there is more. It's not limited only with hostage situations but can affect people from any kind of long term abuse. And this is considered as a survival mechanism, no one should forget that fact."

What was left from my world, disappeared with these words.

"So I was holding dust!" I whispered more to myself than to him.

We talked a little more and right before leaving I asked what started to confuse me:

"So, I guess, I can agree with being abused. But it was so long ago and I survived. I didn't end up in drugs or jail, well, at least not yet. It seems distant and like "no big deal". So I actually can't see, why should I talk about it now."

"Then take it differently. For your family, it's a brand new wound and they need to talk about it."

I nodded and went. Dad stood up as soon as he saw me. I was more than sure that he had already left, but he waited. He asked if I now believed about abuse. He pretty much forced me to have a lunch with him and while we were eating I got the next stupid joke from Elliot. We laughed over the stupidest joke as it was the best we ever heard. Just too much was way too fucked up and laugh was only emotion that was not spent yet.

It's fear to say I haven't been angrier in my life than I was, when the train hit me. My first reaction was to call Claude or täke Taylor and beat all energy out. At least the little that was still in me. My next thought contained strategy for taking time out. I needed to think through everything. But more often I found myself wondering, what would Ana do? She would fight! She would fight her ass off in order to get better by herself and to live in better world. I didn't want to be too much weaker. So, I fought! With Flynn, with my family and with those who lived with me. Fought without blood, but for getting better.