CHAPTER 36

Hutch sat beside Starsky's bed as he had done for the past two days, watching as the brunet thrashed his head from side to side on the pillow, mumbling incoherently under his breath. His eyes were open but he stared blankly at the ceiling with no sign of comprehension, refusing to respond to Hutch's repeated pleas for him to talk. As the blond had feared, the memory of what he had done to the little girl seemed to have driven Starsky over the edge and this time there were no guarantees that he would ever come back. At that point, Hutch would have gladly have accepted the return of one of the alter egos if that meant that Starsky would recover.

Steve was cautiously optimistic that Starsky's condition was only temporary; his mind's way of dealing with something that was so incomprehensible and repulsive to the brunet that he still didn't want to face the fact that he had done such an atrocious thing. As a precaution, Steve had ordered Starsky's hands to be restrained again to prevent him from hurting himself or trying to get out of bed, even thoughHutch had objected strenuously. It broke the big blond's sensitive heart to see his friend in such a devastating condition.

"Please, babe…I need you…" Hutch said hoarsely, repeating the same thing he had been repeating relentlessly for the past two days. "Come back to me…please come back to me…don't leave me…not again…not like this." He took a deep breath and continued, even though his velvety voice was almost gone from his constant talking. "We'll find a way to get through this, buddy…I promise. Just talk to me…please talk to me."

"Hu…s..." Starsky mumbled, immediately claiming Hutch's full attention. It was the closest Starsky had come to saying his name since the terrible scene in Steve's office.

"I'm right here, pal…right here." Hutch said, cupping the brunet's chin with his hand and gently turning his head so that they locked eyes. Starsky's eyes still held a blank stare but,deep down inside his own heart, Hutch could feel the terror and the terrible pain that lingered within the brunet. "Come on, Starsk…you can do it. Talk to me…"

"Nooooo…." Starsky moaned, his first coherent word in days, as he tried to pull his head away.

"I'm not letting you go, buddy…I'm never letting you go again." Hutch said firmly as he continued to stare into thosedeep blue eyes. "You're safe now…you're here with me and I'm not going anywhere."

"Nooooo…" Starsky repeated, his words clearer now and more insistent,"Monster…murderer…"

"NO, YOU AREN'T ANY OF THOSE THINGS!" Hutch shouted"LOOK AT ME! YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND AND I LOVE YOU!"

"Monster…I'm a monster…" Starsky repeated, closing his eyes tightly, and shaking his head stubbornly.

"NO, YOU'RE NOT!" Hutch countered, practically yelling to keep Starsky focused on the sound of his voice and to keep him from slipping away again into the murky depths of his own mind. He lowered his voice to the soft, velvety tones that he reserved solely for Starsky when he was hurt and suffering, either physically or emotionally. "I need you, Starsk…please stay with me. Don't go away again. You're not a monster…you're not. You weren't yourself. They're the monsters…they're the ones who did this to you." Hutch took a deep, shuddering breathe to calm himself. "Think about all the good things you done, all the people that you've helped by being a cop." "Noooo…don't deserve to live…" Starsky muttered, his voice sounding broken and defeated. "Wanna die…please, just let me die…"

"NO, NEVER!" Hutch declared. "I won't let you die, Starsky! Do you hear me? I won't let you die! Because if you do, this time…I'm coming with you! I'll eat a bullet…I swear I will!"

Those words forced Starsky to open his eyes. This time they were alert but filled with an almost unbearable pain that almost tore Hutch apart. Those sapphire eyes flooded with tears as Starsky choked out, "No…not you…never you…me…not you…"

"No!" Hutch said insistently, "Neither one of us is going to do anything stupid! Do you hear me?"

"Let me go…" Starsky pleaded,"Please…just let me go…"

"NO, NEVER! DO YOU HEAR ME? NEVER!" Hutch raised his voice again. Awkwardly, he gathered the smaller man into his arms, holding him securely against his chest with his curly head cradled beneath his chin. "Never," he whispered against those soft curls. "I'm never letting you go, buddy…never."

Starsky struggled weakly for a moment and then settled down, leaning into Hutch wearily as his resistance slowly slipped away. Hutch held him close, carding his fingers through those curls as the tears fell from his own ice blue eyes. He had Starsky back again and he intended to keep him safe from any more harm, even from the brunet himself, no matter what it took.

Alerted by one of the nurses, Steve came into the room and calmly took in the scene in front of him. He could see that Starsky had obviously had a breakthrough and haddecided to rejoin the land of the living and Steve had no doubt that Hutch was directly responsible for that. He had brought the brunet back from wherever he had retreated tothrough the sheer force of the love that the two men shared. Their relationship was truly a remarkable one and Steve was honored to have been able to witness it first hand.

"It looks like David has decided to rejoin us." He said quietly, smiling at the image of the brunet wrapped securely in Hutch's fierce, protective embrace.

"Yeah, he has." Hutch gave Steve a shaky smile. "But, he's still pretty shaken up and out of it."

"That's to be expected after all he's been through. He should be fine in a few days…especially with all the TLC I'm sure he's going to get from you."

"Can I take him back to our room? He really hates anything that resembles a hospital room." Hutch smiled down at the trusting brunet who was still snuggled up against him.

"Let's see how he's doing in a couple of hours and if he's still doing okay, then I'll consider it." Steve suggested with a smile.

"Thanks," Hutch said gratefully. "Does that mean I can I take off these damn restraints?"

"Yes, just keep a close eye on him." Steve watched with an amused expression asHutch quickly undid the thick leather straps around Starsky's wrists and released him. Almost immediately, the brunet's arms went up and around Hutch's neck as he snuggled back up against him, obviously content and secure. It was easy to see why some people who did not understand their unique relationship would get the wrong idea about the two men and the true nature of their partnership and the deep friendship that they had been blessed with. It was obvious that Starsky drew a great deal of his strength from his friend. With a man like Hutch on his side, Starsky would never truly be alone. Steve quietly backed out of the room, leaving the two friends alone.

Starsky finally pulled away from Hutch and looked deeply into his friend's eyes. His own eyes were still filled with a deep pain and inner turmoil. In a broken voice, he said, "How could I do something so terrible, Hutch? How am I supposed to live with myself… knowing that I did something like that? Something so repulsive and so sickening that I don't want to live with myself…"

"Aww, buddy…" Hutch said, gently running his fingers down the side of his friend's face, smiling when Starsky instinctively leaned into the touch. "It wasn't really you…you know that."

"It was still a part of me…" Starsky argued, "A part that I hate as much as I hate the scumbags that did this to me…"

"It was still a part of you…a dark, hidden part of you…but still a part of you." Hutch said, "It's a part that makes you who you are, one that you control, it doesn't control you…not anymore."

"Is that supposed to make me feel better?" Starsky snorted, "Because if it is…it ain't working. I still feel like shit…I still feel like cutting that part of me out so it can't ever hurt anybody like that again."

"I know, buddy…but I need for you to promise me that you won't try to hurt yourself over this…no matter how bad you feel. Can you do that?"

"I don't know…" Starsky admitted,"But I'll try…because you want me to…"

"That's all I can ask. And I promise you that I will be right here with you all the way…we'll get through this together. Me and thee…just like always."

Starsky smiled at their familiar motto and nodded, leaning back against the pillow and closing his eyes, drifting into a peaceful slumber.