Here we go...getting you off the cliff... chapter 36. This chapter has been so much fun to write! The tension is so thick, you can cut it with a knife! Hope you love it too! Thanks everyone for reviewing! I really appreciate everyone that takes their time to do so! Thanks Kiley & Greysfann!
Patsy: Thank you! Meredith and Derek are going to talk!
CiaraM: You are going to find out in this chapter ;)
Susan: Hope you enjoy this chapter! Jackson is going to become more important during the 4th and 5th year of their residency, so there's a possibility he might learn to live with his family's legacy.
Melanie: Things are not going to get less complicated for Meredith and Derek after all they are meeting in an environment where nobody knows about their past
Darlene: Hope you enjoy the flashs!
Dora: There are going to be a lot of answers in this chapter!
Chapter 36
Over the past 20 years, one of the most valuable tools a doctor has is the algorithm. Your patient's main complaint goes into a box...and then the formula helps you decide what to do next. But what happens when a problem doesn't fit into a box? Well...you are suddenly on your own, unexpectedly, with about a thousand paths to choose from.
Dr. Springer looked at Meredith who was still standing at the table. He picked up the files and got up „Now that we introduced ourselves to each other, why don't you show Dr. Shepherd the labs and the equipment first, I'm sure he'll enjoy a little tour around the hospital, I'll explain the approach to Dr. Collier". Meredith looked at him in panic.
„Sure, why don't I?" Derek wondered and got up. He was standing closer to his wife than he had in weeks. There were no words to describe his feelings. She was there, but she wasn't Meredith, she was Dr. Burns. His colleague was completely unaware of their past.
„Maybe we can persuade him to work with us here." Dr. Springer said looking at his nervous resident.
Meredith put on a nervous fake smile and nodded „Wouldn't that be a pleasure." There were only two people in the room that were able to tell that she wasn't comfortable and one was standing on the other side of the table.
„I wouldn't be the first world class surgeon who is leaving Seattle for Boston." Derek glanced at Meredith. Her mother had taken the same road -and so had she.
„How is your son, Dr. Shepherd?" Dr. Springer wondered „He turned one not too long ago, didn't he?" Derek looked at Meredith and at Christopher.
„He's fine, Dr. Collier is taking care of him." Derek smiled. Christopher was trying to get out of the assistant's reach.
„You took him with you on a business trip? Why would you do that?" Meredith said like she wasn't involved in any parental decisions „She's taking care of him? Isn't that a little bit unusual?"
„What is your wife thinking about that?" Dr. Springer wondered „Isn't he a little young for that?"
„Yeah." Meredith agreed and looked at Derek. „She might not be too happy that you dragged him on a plane and let a research fellow babysit him." Meredith smiled and looked at Derek. Jackson who was a silent observer in this situation grabbed Christopher and took him outside the room. The boy didn't need to see his parents arguing.
„She will be happy once she sees him again. Distance makes the heart grow fonder, Dr. Burns, doesn't it?" Derek glanced at her „So am I going to get this tour through the hospital now?" Meredith glanced at him like she wanted to kill him. He was well aware of what this look on her face meant, but he just smiled at her and walked out the door.
It was a sunny summer day, people met at the harbour for icecream or to take the ferry to the other side of the bay. Meredith had stopped her car and taken Ellis out of her car seat when Derek parked his car next to her. Zola and Christopher waved to her, Ellis waved back. It'd be the first time they met outside of daycare so Meredith was nervously awaiting the kids' encounter. Derek had told her to come to this address. He had picked one of the docks and Meredith was looking at one of the ferryboat terminals.
„Why a ferryboat?" she wondered. It seemed like an odd place to meet new family members.
„You can't run away" Derek joked.
„I could jump into the water and drown myself." Meredith laughed „I've done it before" She had. She had been dead for hours after Alex had pulled her out of the water.
„Don't." Derek insisted.
„You haven't changed" Meredith noted and looked at her daughter who had walked up to Derek and wanted to hold his hand „and you already won over Ellis' heart".
„Hello Daddy." The young girl said.
„Hello Ellis." He smiled. „Christopher, Zola, this is your little sister."
„Ellis, this is Christopher and this is Zola. They are your siblings." Meredith explained to Ellis.
They stood on the visitor deck and looked at each other. The kids were running around playing catch and Meredith and Derek stood at the railing and watched the skyline „What are we going to do now?" she wondered. It was an ubiquitous question. There were a hundred thousand paths to choose from.
„Well, we can ride the ferry – all day if we want." He smiled and kept looking at the skyscrapers. „Just take it slow and enjoy the view."
„Do you still wear your ferryboat scrub cap?" Meredith suddenly asked. She hadn't watched any of his surgeries and she knew that it had always been his favorite.
„It made its return very recently." He nodded „I bought wax ear plugs – just so you know."
„Der…" Meredith said. She knew why he would buy ear plugs, but she wasn't ready to let him in. For the past four weeks she had tried hard not to let anyone in. In Boston it had been Maggie, Alex and her and now it was Alex and her.
„Sorry, I was kidding." He smiled and backed off „What are we going to tell the kids if they start to ask questions?"
„That we love them and that we are going to do our very best to make them happy." Meredith smiled and they looked at the kids for a while without talking. All the hurt and the pain they had suffered through during the past were too intense to deal with. It was best to leave it unspoken. „Why did you adopt Zola?"
„She deserved a family and she's amazing." He said „I did quite the job on her shunt."
„Don't flatter yourself, Derek." Meredith teased him. „Yeah, she seems great."
„Some things are just meant to be." He smiled and looked at Meredith's face. The past four years had changed her, but she was still the most captivating creature on the planet to him.
Meredith, Derek, Jackson, Renee and Dr. Springer sat at a table in the cafeteria. Meredith was holding Christopher in her arms while everyone else was eating. She felt close to him again and she loved the feeling. Not only was she close to her son, but her son was also covering up her belly which she hoped Derek had paid no attention to yet. Dr. Springer seemed to be delighted to have Derek around. „I can't believe you finally agreed to meet me, Dr. Shepherd. I mean I tried to persuade you to come over for months now and you always blew me off to be with your wife and son. Seeing you came with Dr. Avery, may I ask how's your wife Dr. Shepherd?" he wondered. „Is she still interested in neurosurgery?" He was unaware of the weird looks Meredith, Jackson and Derek exchanged, but Derek put on a smile and answered his question.
„I'd say she's pretty good at the minute. After all she's doing what she always wanted to do." he sat and looked at Meredith.
„He's such a delight." Dr. Springer said when he looked at Meredith and Christopher „He's been very quiet in the arms of Dr. Burns and he barely knows her. Isn't your wife missing him if he's with you?"
„He's right where he's supposed to be and so is she." Derek said and looked at the picture in front of him.
„Dr. Burns is great with kids. Isn't she?" Dr. Springer nodded. „She's great."
„Amazing. She's very good with him. She can calm him down in a way that only his mom can." Derek said and Meredith looked at Derek. Meredith was still afraid that Derek might reveal her true identity.
„Yeah, Mer has always been great with kids." Jackson added.
„You two know each other, Dr. Avery?" Dr. Springer wondered.
„We met in college." Meredith lied „Summer school. Before we both started med school."
„I see. Why don't you smitten him with your charm and try to make Dr. Avery stay. His grandpa would be thankful." Dr. Springer suggested with a smile.
„I'm not going to work here, ever." Jackson insisted. „That's totally out of the question"
„What a pity. Looking at the rankings one might think that you were looking to get away from Seattle" Dr. Springer reminded them. Seattle Grace Mercy West wasn't the go to hospital it once had been „What about you, Dr. Shepherd?"
„I have a family and a huge research project. My best resident joined another programme recently so I had to spend a lot of time in the OR trying to teach another moron what she already knew." Derek said. It had taken weeks to teach Lexie what Meredith had already known.
„Dr. Burns has been a tremendous help in this project." Dr. Springer smiled „I bet you wish you had someone like her. No offense, Dr. Avery, but I heard you only recently took over. What is your wife doing now?"
„Hopefully she's realizing that she can't spend another waking minute without me." Derek answered with hint of sarcasm.
„You are a funny man, Dr. Shepherd. How's your research going?" Meredith interrupted him.
„Dr. Avery is still trying to familiarize himself with the material and I'd love to get another resident on board. Dr. Collier is doing fine" Derek said.
„So do you want to borrow my resident Dr. Shepherd?" Dr. Springer joked.
„I doubt she'd like the rain. Seattle is pretty cold and rainy." Derek said „Not nearly as nice as Boston"
„She has been working in Tacoma before she came here." Dr. Springer explained. He knew Meredith was used to the rain.
„Tacoma, Dr. Burns? How come I never got to know you?" Derek looked at Meredith.
„Maybe you just haven't seen me, Dr. Shepherd. And just for the record, you get used to the rain."
The cafeteria was busy around lunch time, but Arizona didn't mind. She had taken Sofia out of daycare for an hour to spend some time with her on her own. For a moment she was able to shut off the loud and busy scenery around her. „Look at you, you can turn around. Yes, little girl, you turned around." She smiled. Sofia had grown into a healthy baby. She still required constant monitoring, but she had been fine.
„You really got used to her." Richard said. Arizona looked up.„I thought you didn't want kids."
„I thought so, but then she showed up and look at her." Arizona smiled „She's cute as a button. It's different when this little kid is actually there. Why didn't you ever have kids?"
„Ì just wasn't the time. It was never the right time – or I didn't know it was the right time." He said. Afterall he had a child not many people knew about. „How's Dr. Torres?"
„Callie… hm… I don't know." Arizona mumbled. She knew that Callie was hiding in a closet everytime she heard the sound of a car horn. She looked herself in and never left the house unless she was doing something for their wedding. „One day it seems she's fine and the next… it's hard… she isn't talking about it. I know she needs to talk about it… and I… all I can do is do the groceries, clean the apartment, take care of Sofia, make things easier for her. She has to do the healing herself and she has to face her problems on her own."
„Her boards are next week." Richard said with a concerned look on his face.
„Well, she's in no condition to take them." Arizona noted and held Sofia close to her.
„And she doesn't have the hours she needs." Richard nodded.
Arizona's eyes widened „You can't fire her. She will get back."
„I wasn't going to. I was going to offer her a place for next year." Richard smiled „Fresh start – clean slate and all the time she needs."
Meredith and Derek sat in the lab like perfect strangers. Meredith was holding on to Christopher while Derek checked her samples under the microscope and went over the procedure with her. It felt like they never knew each other until Meredith finally brought herself to address a question that had been hammering on her mind since she had seen Jackson. „You haven't been surprised – not the slightest bit. Who told you? Lexie? Cristina? Jackson? Richard?" She was able to read his facial expression as when she said Richard's name out loud she knew it had been him „I can't believe that. He wasn't even allowed to tell you."
„He, nevermind…" Derek said. He didn't want to argue and somehow all the things he had wanted to tell were on his mind again. Now was the time to undo all the damage or to rip apart the wound forever. It was like this moment in surgery where you might hit the optic nerve and the patient might never be able to see again, but you didn't know if you did until he woke up.
„You are not talking to me now?" Meredith asked „You realize that we are going to be in here for a very long time, are you?"
There were too many things he wanted to say. He pushed over the microscope to her „Look at those cells, they are reconnecting." he said „That's what we've been trying to do for months now"
„But you never got so far, I know Dr. Springer told me." Meredith smiled „It's amazing, they just connect and it looks like they've never been separated in the first place. They weren't not only connecting, but they also formed little parts of the brain.
„But it's a painful process." Derek said.
„If cells can do it, can't we?" Meredith wondered.
It had been a long day in the lab, the sun had set hours ago and Meredith and Derek sat in Meredith's apartment. She had bought a couch for the living room that was otherwise empty. It never felt like home to her, but she was never at home anyway. Christopher played with a unicorn on the floor and Meredith watched Derek unpack the bag of food he had picked up. He had bought indian takeout and Meredith went through her curry with a fork because she didn't feel like eating. „Dr. Burns?" Derek looked at her questiongly. He wondered why she had chosen this name.
„It's…" Meredith said and paused. She looked and Derek and he looked into her eyes. He nodded.
„Your mom's maiden name. I know." Derek said „Why did you choose it? You could have been anyone."
„I didn't want to be Ellis' Grey's daughter for a change." Meredith said. It was quite ironic that she had chosen her mother's maiden name to avoid being associated with her.
„Are you happy?" Derek wondered. He hoped she was, but looking at the apartment he wondered whether she could be.
„At work, not when I come home to my appartment. If I go home, it feels like I'm falling apart." she said and looked into the empty living room.
„Christopher misses you. You can have him tonight." Derek smiled. „He's laying awake at night and it's hard to get him to sleep, he has no appetite and he's difficult when people try to interact with him."
„Derek, I don't want to fight anymore." she said and looked at him.
„I don't either" he said and looked at her with a smile.
„I don't want you gone. I know, I'm the one that left" she paused „but I mean, this isn't us, this isn't how we end, is it?"
„I don't want it to. I'm trying." he smiled.
„I'm trying too. I can come back." Meredith suggested „We can go back."
„Meredith, no, no, stay, but in a good way, stay." He smiled „You do what you have to do, we can do this, people do this"
„Yeah, people do this." She said and looked at his slight curls. „So I'll stay and do what I have to do and so do you. We'll figure this out."
„We can do this" he said and she repeated. „We can do this" Their heads moved closer together until their lips touched. When Derek's hand moved closer to her stomach Meredith pulled back. They looked at each other.
„I'll go now." He stuttered and grabbed his coat and she nodded „We'll talk tomorrow. Take care of yourself."
Derek had just tucked Christopher and Zola in when he dialed his best friend's number. Mark was in Seattle waiting for his first son to be born. In an ironic turn of fate he had been a grandpa before he had fathered a son. Derek looked at the phone and noticed that Mark had picked up „Meredith and I rode the ferryboat together." He said.
„Is this some sort of weird sex metaphor?" Mark smirked.
„No, Mark, we rode the ferryboat." Derek said „Meredith, the kids and I – Ellis got to know their 's a first step"
„What did she say about the past four years?" Mark wondered.
„Not much." Derek answered truthfully. So far he hadn't heard anything about it.
„She's been gone for four years and hid your daughter from you." Mark reminded his friend „She should have told you something."
„She didn't need to… I just knew." Derek said „I looked into her eyes and I knew"
„Help, don't tell me we are back to this again." Mark sighed.
„Back to what?"
„Back to, we might have a chance to go back to being a perfect little family." Mark used a sweet voice to tease him.
„You and Lexie have it" Derek insisted. If anything had been complicated it was Mark's and Lexie's love story.
„Derek, you have to tell her how you felt, you can't go to being happy without talking about the last four years." Mark insisted „You've been in therapy – Christ, you even brought your therapist to your award ceremony. Even though I can't blame you – that chick was hot."
„I didn't invite her because she's hot, I invited her for getting me where I am now." he said firmly „I'm not angry at Meredith anymore."
It was the next morning when Mer was standing next to a few other 3rd year residents. Derek and Jackson walked up to her. They had been waiting for their weekly assignments from Allen Sawyer and wondered what was taking him so long. Some of the girls looked up and smiled at Jackson.
Allen approached the group from behind. He leaned over to hear and whispered „How's the girl that looks so good naked on my couch?" into her ear. Derek who had heard every word looked at her.
„What?" She looked at Allen. "I'm fine, and I.."
„That's her problem" Derek mumbled. „She's always fine."
„What's the matter with him?" Allen whispered into Meredith's ear playfully.
„Dr. Derek Shepherd." Meredith bit her lips „May I introduce Dr. Allen Sawyer to you?"
„Excuse me, but I need to catch some air, so better make it quick."
„Can we talk, Dr. Shepherd?" Meredith wondered.
„My pleasure, Dr. Shepherd." Allen extended his hand to Derek „I read a lot of your work."
„Pleasure to meet you." Derek said in an aggressive matter.
„What's the story between you and Shepherd?" Allen wondered. „Why does it feel like he wants to rip my head off."
„He's the reason I came here" Meredith said. „and you shouldn't feel safe around me either!"
„He made a move on you?" he smirked.
„You could say that" Meredith said.
„I thought he was married" Allen said „He published an article with his wife a while ago."
„was is the right word." Derek interrupted him „Apparently I had to find out that my wife moved on. Why don't you gossip a little less and show me around a little more. I'm sure Dr. Burns has patients to push around the hospital."
„You better keep your hands off her, after all she enjoys staying the night." Allen smirked. Meredith was stunned. „Allen, seriously." she mumbled and her eyes were wide open.
„You can't be serious, Meredith." Derek told her.
„Derek. That's not how it happened." Meredith insisted, but Derek was blinded by his jealousy.
„I knew you were sleeping around." he yelled.
„I didn't and besides it's none of your business." she said. He had left her.
„It is -until you signed those god damn papers." Derek yelled and walked away leaving Allen and Meredith on their own.
„What have you been thinking?" Meredith yelled at Allen. If she it had been legal, she would have ripped his head off his body.
„I tried to be funny." he shrugged.
„Well, you weren't." Meredith yelled „Leave me alone! The next time you cross that line, I'll rip off your head"
He handed over a pen to her „Here, you need something to draw that line." She took the pen and threw it back at him before she left.
Meredith followed Derek into the attrium. She knew that he'd be mad. The evening before they had decided to be civil around each other and now Derek had every reason to mistrust her. „You are sleeping around again, it's what Mark is doing, you two are alike" he yelled at her. „You can go back to your boyfriend!"
„Oh, we are alike. You like both of us. Liked both of us. He's your best friend. I haven't been, I haven't slept with him, we haven't been, I was drinking and things got a little out of hand" Meredith explained. She couldn't mention that she had fainted because of her pregnancy because Derek didn't know she was pregnant „Nothing happened. But I don't think me sleeping or not sleeping with somebody is the real issue here. We have to sort out a few things, let's talk about it."
„I can't and Meredith, after hearing this I don't know if I want to, my flight leaving in this afternoon and right now I'm too mad at you to talk, do me the favor, just sign the papers, and we'll call it quits. It's best for everyone…"
„Derek, look at me, I did not sleep with him. Did we not communicate last night? I missed you and missing you is exhausting. I don't want to sign the papers." Meredith said „I thought I could be like her, but I can't. I can't because she was miserable and lonely. I'll fly down to Seattle on the weekend but I won't come back for long, but let's talk then. I want to be with you, I want to become a surgeon and I can't do that in Seattle, but we've been married for 800 days now. 800 days. That's not something you just throw away."
„That's what you did when you left and took a plane to the other side of the country." Derek insisted „You do what you have to, it's better for our son not to be around a liar and a cheater."
„Are you saying I'm a liar and a cheater? I did not cheat." Meredith yelled „You are impossible."
„That's what I'm saying. You screwed up and you lied." Derek said. „You jepardized your career and our family."
„I haven't screwed up since I got here, Derek, I've been perfect ever since" Meredith said with teary eyes „I haven't done anything. Why can't you forgive me? You don't know the story, you don't know anything, you don't get to call me a whore. I didn't do anything. I went to Boston because I was fired. I lied to the social worker, that's all I did."
Alex was waiting for Meredith with a glass of wine in the kitchen. Ellis had fallen asleep on the way back to the house „How did it go?" he wondered.
„We rode the ferryboat" Meredith smiled happily. They had been on a ferryboat for almost four hours.
„Is this code for sex?" Alex teased her.
„Alex, the kids were around" Meredith reminded him „and I'm celibate." There hadn't been anyone since she had left Seattle.
„Wait, Derek has been around for a week" Alex said and they both exchanged a look. So far it had been work and the kids and barely any interaction on a personal level except for the dinner until today.
„And we haven't had sex." Meredith said „He's my boss".
„He has always been your boss." Alex chuckled. This had never stopped Meredith.
„Not when we met." She suggested „He was just a guy in a bar back then."
They sat down and looked at the pictures Meredith had taken. Christopher had gotten so big. It was hard to remember how small he had been once. „I keep wondering if Christopher ever got the birthday or Christmas cards I sent." She admitted. She had been afraid to ask him.
„Lexie never mentioned them. And he didn't recognize you" Alex said. That was his answer.
„I never sent photos." Meredith said.
„Have you ever wondered how you'd feel like if he had moved on and you walked into him here?" Alex wondered. Derek was an attractive men and he knew that he had been on dates.
„I'd still be Christopher's mom. Nobody can take that away from me." Meredith said „We'll always be connected through our kids. Besides, I was the one that left. He'd have had every right to move on. I'd understand."
„I call bullshit." Alex said.
„He asked me what I've been up to those last four years, if there was anybody." Meredith smiled softly and looked at Alex. He knew every of her stories and sometimes it felt like they were an old married couple. They had all the emotional proximity and no sex.
„And what did you say?" Alex wondered.
„That it's been the three of us, that I've been working my ass off on a trial and that I am the best neuro atteding he could wish for." Meredith said.
„You said the three of us." Alex looked at her.
„And I told him that you've been there as a friend ever since the start of our fellowships. Ellis calls you uncle Alex, not daddy if that's any indication." Meredith said. She knew Derek knew that there would never be more than friendship between Alex and her even though he had become her person throughout the past two years. „So how's that resident you insist you don't have sex with? I saw her sneaking out this morning and I heard her all night."
Derek and Renee were sitting in the lab going over Dr. Springer's and Meredith's findings again, but Derek was absent minded. He kept looking at the miniature brain Meredith had nurtured throughout the past weeks. „I need something to make me feel better. Do you remember this wall we talked about? I'm hitting it right now" he said „I really want to break through but I guess I just keep myself from doing it. Even though I know it's the right thing to do."
Renee overstepped and misunderstood what Derek tried to tell her, her lips touched his and for a moment his tongue touched hers. For a second it felt good, but then the realisation kicked in that those weren't Meredith's lips.
„I can't do this." Derek shrugged after a few seconds. She had taken him by surprise and it took him a moment to realize that her lips were touching his and that his mouth had opened.
„I'm sorry. Tell me that his is all in my head that there isn't something between us." She stammered while Meredith peaked at them through the blinds unable to hear what they were talking about. She saw that Meredith took his hand."I know there is"
„I love my wife. I'm married. I don't want anything other than what I had with he. I have to go, right now I have to go."
Derek ran out of the lab and didn't even notice that Meredith was standing in the vestibule. He didn't know she had seen him. He didn't know that she had not heard his words either.
Derek's head was spinning. He needed to talk. Until Renee's lips had touched him he had been sure that it was over, but now a hundred thousand thoughts were flying through his head. He needed to talk to someone and when Mark finally picked up his phone he blarred out „She slept with a guy from the hospital . It's the guy who answered her phone weeks ago. She insists she hasn't slept with him and I don't know what to think."
„I know one thing about Meredith Grey, she never sleeps with colleagues and I tried – I really tried. „ Mark tried to persuade him „Somehow her mommy issues kept her from doing it. She slept with a lot of inappropiate people, but coworkers are not her thing. It's my thing."
„The Meredith you thought you knew didn't sleep with anyone." Derek tried to point out. He didn't know if Dr. Burns was still the woman he had once fallen in love with.
„Derek, Meredith didn't sleep with him." Mark said „I can guarantee that she didn't. I know her"
„How do you know?" Derek wondered.
Mark smiled. He had had his fair share of experience with all kinds of women„I tried to get into her pants and she has Christopher, she…"
„He was with me, Mark." Derek said, but he didn't realize that Mark hadn't been talking about the very moment, but about the mere fact that Christopher was her son.
„It doesn't matter. Lexie told me that she thought there was still a chance." Mark said „I mean, look at the two of you"
„I thought, well until her chief resident told me that she had spent the night naked on his couch…" Derek spat out „Why have you been talking to Lexie? I… I didn't know she was here. I mean I knew she was in Boston, but I didn't know she was the one that saved my trial"
„It wasn't over, it still isn't over, Derek." Mark said.
„Renee kissed me" Derek admitted „My wife and my assistant kissed me within 24 hours."
„Who is Renee?" Mark wondered.
„My assistant." Derek said. „The assistant Richard hired."
„Good for you" Mark smirked „Look, Derek, you wouldn't have kept up that charade in the canteen if you had thought that it was over."
„It's over. There's too much water under …" Deek insisted „whatever. I want to move on, but…" Mark interrupted him „You can't. And when your assistant kissed you Meredith was all you thought about" This feeling was all to familiar for him.
„I can't get over her. Maybe it's stupid but I don't want to forget us, I don't want to forget her, I don't want to forget what we had. I want what we had, I want to be with her." Derek said „I want to be happy again and not think about her when I wake up."
„There's your answer, you are still into her, Derek and if you don't want to be, there's a quick way to get over her and it's called sex." He smiled even though sex wasn't working for him like it use to either.
„I'm not sleeping around like you are." Derek said.
„But you are kissing your assistant. That's a start" Mark smirked and hung up.
„Nothing changed Derek, we still have the same problems like we did in Seattle even though now we arent even in a relationship! You don't respect my opinion!" she looked at Derek who was washing his hands after surgery. He had watched her surgery in the gallery and when she had chosen what he thought was the wrong clip he had stopped her and taken over.
He turned around and looked at her. „Maybe I'd respect you if you hadn't run away from your problems. How do I know you stick around long enough to get through them?" Derek yelled at Meredith „You are not experienced enough in that OR. You might have clipped ten or twenty aneurysm, but I clipped a hundred."
„I'm always going to be that intern to you." Meredith noted. „and you are always going to be that hot shot neuro surgeon."
„That's how you see yourself, Meredith!" Derek told her. But he realized she was right. Had she been any other attending he wouldn't have acted like this.
„Fine! Tell me why you stole my patient!" Meredith told her „Tell me why you walked into that OR and told me to leave!
„Because you were going to use the wrong clip." Derek muttered. She had grown a lot more confident throughout the past four years.
„I know what I'm doing Derek! I've had an excellent mentor. He won a Harper Avery with you. I knew which clip to choose. You were out of line and unreasonable and if this ever happens again I'm going to file a complaint." She looked at him. „In my last year of residency I ran Dr. Springer's service because he was so involved with your trial."
„You are going to file a complaint. On grounds of what?" Derek was amused. „I'm your boss and you didn't listen."
„I didn't listen because I didn't need to listen to you." Meredith stated calmly. „I knew what I was doing. You just couldn't trust me!" That was it! He didn't trust her.
„Why would I trust you Meredith? Why should I ever trust you?" he asked „When things got hard you ran away, you left your son, you left me and you never bothered to tell me I had a daughter. I have no reason to trust you!"
Jackson and Meredith sat on a set of stairs outside the hospitals „I don't get how you do it – working with him." He admitted.
„He's not my grandfather. It's not my legacy." She said „My legacy is screwing things up in Seattle and moving to Boston with a baby the father has no clue about."
He looked at her „You are?"
„Yes. And mom was too." Meredith added.
„Webbers?"
Meredith nodded.
„I figured." He sighed „What are you going to do?"
„I don't know Jackson, I honestly don't know. How is everyone?"
„Everything changed. Alex is planning to go to Africa, April is gone and Cristina, she might not admit it, but she misses you and I'm getting a hundred thousand phone calls and my grandpa keeps pushing me to come here." Jackson sighed „What about you and Derek?"
Meredith smiled and giggled. „He kissed his assistant and I… I can't decide if I want to have his babies or punch him in the face. He kissed his research assistant and he gave me crap about cheating when I didn't even touch nobody. I just don't know anymore. When it comes to him I don't know." They hugged and Jackson went back to the hotel he, Derek and Renee had been staying at. Her old life was going to leave soon, but it had torn open old wounds.
Arizona and George were standing in the OR together. Arizona had requested him because she needed to find a capable replacement for the three months Alex would stay in Africa and she needed to talk about Callie with somebody. George had been her friend in need quite a few times now. He had taken Sofia without a word of complaint whenever she had called him.
„Meredith is coming over. Maybe Callie is going to be better once she bought a wedding dress." She said as she looked up from the child's open abdomen.
„Retail isn't therapy and Meredith isn't a therapist either." George said „She's coming back?" He wondered how she was doing. She had told him to stop calling a few times now.
„She told Callie she was." Arizona said „She better not be lying because Callie is looking forward to this and at the minute Callie doesn't have an awful lot to look forward to." George sensed Arizona's aggressivity because she pulled the retractor out more quickly than usually.
„Arizona, Callie has everything to look forward to." George said remembering how his mother felt at the minute. She was in pain every minute of the day after her chemo and leucocyte treatment „Callie is young and alive and those scars are going to heal."
„I found her in a closet George, she's been hiding in a freaking supply closet because that's the only place she feels safe at." Arizona said „I can't make her feel safe and it's my job."
„Your job is to be there and you are there." George smiled.
Meredith sat in the lab trying to forget about Derek and Christopher again. He had left to go back to the hotel and he'd be gone in the afternoon. „You've been good with Dr. Shepherd's son." A voice from afar said. It was Dr. Springer who had just entered the room.
‚No, I haven't.' Meredith thought to herself. She smiled and looked at the neurosurgeon. „Sir, I have to tell you something. I've been lying enough and it has to stop."
„What are you saying Dr. Burns?" he was puzzled.
„First of all, my name is not Burns. My mom's maiden name was Burns, but my name is Meredith Grey and Dr. Shepherd, he's my husband and Christopher is my son." She said and he looked at her like she was telling a lie. „That's why I was so good with him. I was working at Seattle Grace Mercy West before I came here, but given my mother's name Jackson's grand father agreed to it. A mid year transfer brings enough attention as it is."
„You were involved in the glioma trial?" he asked and she was more than surprised that this was the most pressing question he had after she had confessed her true identity to him.
„Yes." She nodded. It had been one of their biggest successes.
„Wow. I assume Dr. Avery knows, after all he signed all your transfer papers. Why did you leave Seattle?" He wondered.
„It's a long story. I got fired, but that's not the story." Meredith said „It's a very long story, but at the end there's…"
„There are always ways to reconnect, Dr. Grey." He smiled. „We just got brain cells to reconnect in a dish, we should be able to reconnect to the people closest to us."
„Not if both people think they are right. I think it's too late." Meredith said. „I missed my window of opportunity."
„Things are not always as they seem, Dr. Grey. Sometimes hoofbeats are zebras and sometimes we don't see things for the way they are. Even salt looks like sugar. You have a few things to sort out. You should go back to Seattle for the weekend and figure things out for your sake. Do you want me to keep calling you Dr. Burns?"
She smiled and nodded „For now. Thank you." She wondered if it would feel as good to tell the truth to Maggie.
Meredith looked at Jackson's grandfather. He had called her to his office after Derek and his congregation had left the hospital. „You cannot accept reality just because it seems convenient to walk away from the person you love." He said „Ellis chose to be lonely if that's what you are worried about. I know you two never had the best relationship but you were all she had. She talked about you a lot in surgery when she knew you wouldn't hear it."
„She never made me feel like I was good enough. I felt like a constant failure. I'm tired of feeling like I let everyone down." Meredith said.
„Ellis has been a lot of things, but compassionate wasn't one of them. When she came here I knew she was pregnant." He admitted „I told her that we could work out something, but she insisted in only keeping you. It was her choice."
„You knew about it all those years?" Meredith wondered. Ellis had never told anybody as far as she was aware.
„Yes." He said. „I never knew who the dad was"
„Wow, she was very secretive about it." Meredith smiled. „I only found out about the adoption after she died. I didn't remember a single thing about it."
„It has been the most difficult decision of her life." He said „It changed her. She never loved herself after that because she never felt complete."
„Unfinished." Meredith nodded „It's hard to comprehend because she might have had this whole other life."
„You would have had a whole other life, but Ellis chose to live the life she did." He said „But you get to choose the life you live now."
„Did she hesitate?" Meredith wondered.
„Ellis knew what she was doing, but she also knew that everything has a price." He nodded „How's your son?"
„He grew up so much since I left – and it hurts. I'd love to have him near me." Meredith smiled.
„Dr. Shepherd would be an excellent hire. Dr. Springer has been looking to step back from surgery for a while to focus on his research." He noted.
„You don't have to hire anyone for me." Meredith smiled.
„I'm not going to hire him for you. I wouldn't hire anyone for anybody. All I'm saying is that there's a way" he insisted „But for your sake, you better fly to Seattle and fix things. You have a lot to discuss and you have a chance to prove that you are nothing like your mother. You are brave enough to return and make things right."
„How do I know it's the right time?" Meredith wanted to know.
„Intuition!"
„You paged me? Want to check if I killed any patients?" Meredith asked when she walked into Derek's office „I didn't." She looked around and saw a picture of them. It was a picture of her and him with Christopher on the day he had been born.
„I'm sorry." Derek said.
„Well, you better be." Meredith said and sat down on the chair in front of Derek's table.
„I'm here." He said and got up. He walked over to her and leaned against his table „Four years ago I never bothered to show up, but now I do because…"
„You are willing to work on us?" Meredith wondered and couldn't believe the hypocrisy of this statement. He had been the one that had refused to talk to her for the better of three weeks before she had left and he had been the one that was completely out of line in the OR earlier.
„Yeah, if we want to be in our kids lives we have to learn how to be civil around each other." He said.
„Well, it might start by not kicking me out of my own OR." She bit back „I'm mad! You made me look like an incompetent."
„I told you, Mer. I'm sorry". He said.
„I don't want you to say the words, I want you to mean them" she said. „It would have worked just fine. When I asked you how you choose the right clip during my 2nd year of residency you told me to trust my intuition, that I'd just look at the situation in front of me and I'd know."
„I was out of line. I'm sorry". He said.
„Have you ever wanted where we would be if the past four years hadn't happened like this? I mean… you won a Harper Avery and I… I'm a hot shot neuro attending at one of the best hospitals in this country. We made it pretty far in our careers." Meredith asked him „We haven't seen each other in four years and here we are after a week -fighting and yelling at each other"
„I used to… but not anymore. The past is the past. There's nothing we can do about it." Derek said. They both had made mistakes.
„Do you think we'd be together?" she wondered.
„I'm convinced we would." He nodded with a smile.
„Why?" she looked at him and looked at the happy family picture of him, Christopher and Zola, Lexie and Mark.
„Because - remember when we had our first huge fight- I told you that I felt like I was drowning and you were like coming up from fresh air." He paused for a second „I still feel that way".
Meredith looked at him „Don't say those words unless you mean them because I'm inclined to believe them."
„I'm not sure if we'll make it, but I'll give it my best shot, Meredith." He said and his hands touched her neck, his lips touched hers. „I can tell you why I want to be with you, why I'm still in love with you, but you better take some time, because I could tell you all night"
They kissed. For the first time in four years their lips touched and it felt like a firework.
Meredith sat on her bed and cried. Nothing was like she had imagined it to be. She wasn't an attending, their trial was still in its very beginning and they hadn't kissed. She didn't remember the last time they had and she kept looking at the picture of Christopher on her nightstand. Tears started to stream down her face and her whole body was in pain. Derek knew where she was, but he didn't care. He had left. One night he had given them a new chance and at the next he had kissed another woman.
She looked at her belly and wondered what this baby was going to think about his or her daddy. She thought of Derek and suddenly she felt like she was ready to fall apart. „Maggie, I forgot him for a second and then he show's up here and…" Meredith cried and what she said was barely recognizable to Maggie.
„It's going to be fine, Meredith" Maggie encouraged her „You are strong and you can do this"
„I never wanted to be like her, but now I am" Meredith continued. „I left all my friends and my family and I'm not scared that I'm not myself here and I'm scared that I am. I'm …"
„Mer, are you okay?" Maggie wondered.
„Yeah" Meredith sniffered under her tears. Her whole body hurt. „It just feels so wrong, everything feels so wrong. I have to call him"
„Derek" Meredith said with a teary voice once he had picked up the phone.
„Meredith" a relieved Derek said. He had thought that she wouldn't ever want to talk to him after she had seem him with Renee.
„Derek, I have to talk to you, so please don't hang up. I saw you and I know that I don't but…I'm…" Meredith said, but Derek who was boarding his flight interrupted her „Meredith I can't hear you, the signal…" he said before he lost the signal. She was in pain and she was on her own.
So, what do you do? How do you decide when you're left in the dark? How do you make sure you are not making the worst mistake in somebody's life? You close your eyes...you block out everyone and everything around you, and pray the voice inside you is right. Because once you decided...you can't ever go back.
Derek never bothered to call Meredith again. After all it was the middle of the night in New York and he assumed that she slept. He didn't know about the pregnancy and he didn't know what she had wanted to tell him. He had to think so he went into the bar across the street after dropping off Christopher at Lexie's place. Just after he sat down a woman walked in and sat down next to her.
„So are you here often?" Rose asked.
„Only when I'm trying to Chat up women." Derek said with a smile on his face „No, I'm kidding. It's weird, we've been in the OR for more than 300 hours and I never looked at you…"
„Yeah, you looked at your wife, you looked at the patients and everyone else is looking at you. You are very pretty to look at." She joked.
„You don't have to compliment me." Derek said and looked at his glass of scotch.
„So your son, does he look like you?" she wondered.
„No, not at all, he has blonde hair and green eyes and her smile." Derek said absently minded. He looked at his phone and wondered if she'd call again. „I… sorry, I shouldn't."
„Are you emotionally available?" She wondered „You are looking at you phone and I'm only asking because you don't seem emotionally available and you asked me out before you went to Boston and something changed and I don't typically go out with men who are not over their ex."
„I am." Derek said „At least I'm trying."
„Why Seattle? You're from New York." She wondered „It's always raining"
„I have a Thing for ferryboats." He smiled.
„The scrub cap is it?" she wondered „So what's the Story with it, you haven't been wearing it in a while."
„And you are wearing your Engagement ring around your neck." He pointed out.
„Well, I wore it around my finger when I was engaged." She replied with a sad nod.
„I'm sorry."
„Oh, you don't have to be, it was never going to work out anyway." Rose said. „It wasn't meant to be"