Fifty Grades Harder Chapter 16

"Bye, Ray," I said as I pushed him towards the door.

He was tipsy and not leaving willingly. Anastasia's family had thankfully left, but Ray was dragging his feet. I didn't blame him when Anastasia giggled at every damn thing he said no matter how stupid it was. I finally managed to get him out the door and I locked it. Taylor would make sure he got a room at a hotel safely and then Ray could drive home tomorrow when he was sober.

Anastasia was watching me and I could tell she was glad to be alone. I held my arms open as I walked over to her and she collapsed into them. She laughed and it was the sweetest sound.

"Who knew it would be me who shot off their mouth," Anastasia said, "I can't believe I told my mom about Elena."

"She needed to know, Ana."

"I know, but I just blurted it out."

"I'm fairly certain that information would've been shocking no matter how you delivered it. I'm proud of you," I kissed her lips, "that was very brave."

"I'm committed to letting go of the past," she said, "as long as you stay by my side."

"I'm not going anywhere, literally." I scooped her up and she clutched at my neck. I bet no one had ever done this to her. I made sure she was okay with this, but there was no negativity. This was like Hawaii, but better, because Anastasia wasn't pretending to be normal, she was actually doing it. I leaned down and kissed her again. "Can I make you cum now?" I asked, heading towards the bedroom. Gail would clean up the remnants of the dinner party in the morning.

"Christian," Anastasia sighed, "tonight was shit. Forget what I told my mother, Jacklyn got to Elliot and told him god knows what and we still don't know where she is or what she's planning. Now is hardly the time for pleasure and I hate that. I was looking forward to it, it was going to be our reward."

"Ana, we can't let them ruin us, you know that. They can only affect us if we let them. I know it's hard, but all I want to do is make you cum. What do you want?"

I put her down beside the bed and went over to my side. I didn't want to push her. If she just wanted to go to bed then that's what we'd do. Tomorrow was always a new day. She sat on the edge of the bed and watched me unbutton my flannel shirt. I was trying to sway her by showing her as much skin as I could.

"I wanted to have sex with you tonight," Anastasia admitted, staring at her lap. "I've wanted to for a long time now, but things keep happening. Is it a sign?" Her eyes met mine. "Should we be waiting? I think I'm ready, I really do, and… if it hurts this time, I'll let you know, I know I will. I want you, Christian, all of you."

I came back over to her side and pulled her face to my naked chest, I still had my shirt on but it was wide open.

"I want that too, baby, but the timing needs to be right and we don't need to rush into it. You made me cum in the playroom and all I want right now is to return the favor. That's it. We can wait. I think, even with what's going on, we'll find the perfect time for sex, but we can wait for it."

"Don't you want me?" she asked, pulling back to look up at me.

"No," I said sarcastically as I grabbed her hand and put it on my hard dick, "I don't want you."

She smiled and started stroking it through my jeans. I closed my eyes.

"I always want you," I told her, "you were right earlier. I know you only know BDSM relationships, but normal relationships don't always have to be equal either. Let me worship you and your body, Ana, let me make you come using my mouth and fingers."

Her hand paused and she looked back up at me. "You… you want to worship me?" she asked. "No one's ever said that before, or done it. Elena never cared about that. She got me off, I found pleasure in what she did, but she never worshipped me, and my subs, if anything, I was the one worshipping them."

"This is a big step," I told her, "you putting your trust in me, you letting me play with your body for your pleasure, you letting go. Do you think you're ready to try?"

I reached out slowly, letting her pull away before I cupped her breasts. Anastasia's breathing picked up, but she didn't tense or pull back. I had been rubbing burn cream onto her chest for a while now, it was never sexual, but this would be.

"What do you want?" she asked. "Where do you want me? You're in charge, Christian, but we're using safe words."

I could agree to that. I pulled her up so she was standing. Her giving me control was major for her, I would have to keep a close eye on her and not push her too far.

"Undress me," I told her, "but keep my underwear on."

Anastasia smiled and did just that. She pushed my flannel shirt off and folded it.

"Why do you fold my clothes?" The last time I asked we were in domme/sub mode and she hadn't answered me.

"I just always have," she said, and then she realized what that meant. She faltered before grabbing my neatly folded shirt and throwing it across the room. We both looked at where it landed, in a heap, in the middle of the floor. I thought Anastasia might go over and pick it up, but she fought that urge, focusing on my pants instead.

She undid them and then paused.

"Christian?"

"Hmm?"

"You're not wearing any underwear, so I can't keep them on."

"Do you mind if I'm naked?" I asked Anastasia. "Or I can keep my jeans on, I don't expect anything in return."

She paused. "You choose." Her voice was soft.

Me, right.

"Go grab my gray sleep shorts," I told her.

They were my favorite and I knew Anastasia appreciated them too. I wanted her to see this was all about her, not me. She came back and pulled my jeans down before pulling my shorts on. Fuck, that was intimate. Now, it was my turn. I didn't say anything. I pulled her hair down and slid off her shoes. She was wearing no jewelry except her handcuff bracelet which I kept on. Then, I slid down her dress, letting it pool on the floor at her feet. Before she could think about it, I knelt on the bed and pulled her up with me.

I laid her down in the center and sat beside her, running my hand down her arm.

"You're so beautiful," I told her, "I love you."

Anastasia laid there, baring herself to me, body and soul. She wasn't scared or tense. Her new scars were extensive, especially compared to how small the last ones were, but she didn't seem to care.

"Can I worship your whole body?" I asked, holding her hand in mine.

"Yes," she said.

I smiled, leaning forward to kiss her on the lips. "Just relax," I told her, "and use your safe words. Don't worry about me or what I want, put yourself first. We have time, baby, we don't need to go fast."

She nodded and I kissed her again. I stayed flush against her side as I continued to kiss her. I took my time and kept the kisses slow and closed mouth. I didn't want to rush her. When I felt her completely relaxed under me, I moved to her neck, licking, sucking, kissing, worshipping. Anastasia's breathing increased to small pants and I couldn't help the smile that overtook me.

We hadn't had this yet. In the beginning, Anastasia was always in charge, she didn't let me touch her, it was all controlled. Then, she relaxed some, but we were never honest with each other, we both thought we knew what the other wanted. But now, nothing was holding us back. Anastasia was more open and we had learned to be honest with each other. I wasn't worried. I felt she was ready for this and I was too. To be able to touch her freely, I had dreamed of this day.

I worked slowly, like when I tested out her safe zones, but unlike last time, my first lick of her collarbone was met with a moan and no safe word. Anastasia's hand wrapped itself in my hair and I could tell she was trying to stay in control, but I didn't care. I continued on, licking and sucking at her collarbones. One was scarred, one wasn't. Anastasia would let me know when she wanted me to move on by pulling me to a certain side and when she pulled me downwards towards her breasts, I knew it was time.

I lifted my head, smiling at her, which she returned. I kept looking at her as I cupped her breast with my hand. I avoided the nipple to begin with, but when Anastasia did nothing, but enjoy my ministrations, I ran my hand over it. She hissed in pleasure.

"Has anyone ever touched you here?" I asked, playing with her nipple. "Did Elena ever do this to you?"

"No," she panted, "it's always been a hard limit for me. I… I… I stayed covered when I was a sub, with a vest, and when I was a domme I used a corset. Only you, Christian, I only trust you."

I nodded my head before I dropped it. First, I licked around her nipple and then I gently sucked it. Anastasia's hand was still in my hair, guiding me. She was amazing, not only physically, but the trust she had in me. It was so beautiful. I didn't spend too much time on them, just enough for us both to enjoy ourselves. This was all about making Anastasia cum. I needed to move lower.

Her hand left my hair, but I kept one of mine on her breast. The left one, the more scarred one. I didn't want to let go on the off chance that she didn't let me touch them again, plus, I wanted to pull her nipple right before she came. I knew she'd love that sensation. I licked up her slit, looking at her. She had her eyes closed and then she did something that shocked me. Her hand went to her right breast, cupping it. Anastasia never touched herself, she had told me this.

I decided to pick up the pace. It was late and this was something I was good at. I reveled in the fact that I was free to use my tongue and fingers. It wouldn't take long. I licked her all over, spreading her juices before inserting a finger. Last time we stopped at two fingers, but this time I got to three until she told me no more. It was progress.

Three was good if I was preparing her for sex, but I wasn't doing that, so after awhile I pulled one out and stuck to two. I pumped them in and out as I licked and sucked her clit. She was close. I also massaged her breast, but I left the nipple alone, saving that for last. Her moans became groans, her hips rose to meet my fingers and mouth, she was palming her breast, trying to find release.

She was almost there, one more second. I pulled on her nipple as I gently bit her clit. Anastasia hissed, rising off the bed. I stayed with her, helping her through it all. When she stopped convulsing, I slowly removed my fingers and took my hand off her breast, but I kept licking her slowly until she became limp. I smirked, I couldn't help it. I liked making her cum. She was right, it didn't need to be equal. Yes, my dick was fucking hard, but I wasn't focused on it.

"How was that?" I asked, moving my body so I was beside her again. She had her eyes closed.

"Can you get me your shirt, Christian?"

My heart fell, did I push her too far? I jumped off the bed and grabbed my flannel, helping her into it. She didn't button it up, she left it seductively open. Her breasts were covered but I could see the valley in between. I wanted to ask her again, but I know she heard me, so I waited, just admiring her.

"It was good," Anastasia said, her hand going to her wild hair and absentmindedly playing with it, "new, unusual, intense, but… I liked it."

I smiled wider and she return it.

"Come here," she said.

I leaned forward and kissed her. "See," I said, "they can't touch us."

Anastasia pulled my head to rest on her chest and I wrapped my arm around her. Her hand went to my hair, she was trying to soothe herself.

"Are you sure you're alright?" I asked, enjoying her rubbing my scalp.

"I'm going back to work tomorrow," she said.

I knew this was coming, I was more surprised that she had spent so long working from home. Some of her scars would be visible, even if she wore a long-sleeved blouse. She never mentioned it, but the thought had to affect her. Her last scars were always hidden, but everyone would see these new ones. Plus, we had become hermits and although Taylor informed me that press about the crash had died down, photographers were still camped out to get the first shots of Anastasia post-crash.

It would be a tough day all round.

"We'll deal with it tomorrow," I told her. "Let's get some sleep. Can I hold you?" I asked, not moving. I was almost asleep anyway.

"No," she said, "I need to hold you."

That was fine by me. I snuggled closer to her and fell asleep.

I woke up in the same position, but Anastasia's arms were wrapped tightly around me. I didn't care. I snuggled closer to her and kissed the side of her breast. She was so brave last night. I had a feeling when we had sex again there would be no issues. Anastasia was overcoming her barriers and I was so proud of her.

We eventually got up and got dressed for work. It was good to be getting back into the swing of things, but was it was a false sense of security? Nothing had changed, we had no new information on Jacklyn. It was weird how dressing to impress immediately boosted my mood though. At least I could be in control of one thing.

Anastasia seemed to love it too, she wouldn't stop smiling at me. She looked good too in her usual white blouse and gray pencil skirt. I wanted to get her to wear something different for once, but this was her first day back and we didn't need any added stress. You could see some of her scars peeking above the shirt, but not many and she seemed fine.

Taylor drove us to the office, and as we rode the elevator up, I held Anastasia's hand. She went to press the button for the nineteenth floor, but I stopped her.

"I want to walk you to your office," I told her.

The elevator doors opened on the twentieth floor and Andrea rushed over to us, welcoming Anastasia back. I left Anastasia at her office door with a kiss, searching her eyes, but she seemed fine. This would be good for her, getting back into the swing of things. Anastasia loved to work and I knew no one would be foolish enough to get on her bad side.

As soon as I entered the basement, I ignored all of the guys and pulled out my laptop, getting straight to work. I needed to find Jacklyn's connection to Anastasia. There had to be one there. You don't stalk someone in college and then again years later. They were connected somehow and I needed to figure it out. I poured over all the information I had about Anastasia's life, but there was nothing. What was I missing?

Hours passed and still nothing. I had been doing the same dance for weeks, and the others hadn't had any luck tracking her down either. Who was she? Where was she? Why Anastasia? This was getting me nowhere, it was overwhelming me, it was too much pressure. The feelings currently overtaking me were familiar. I needed to get out. I jumped out of my seat, I needed to see Anastasia.

When I got to the twentieth floor, Anastasia's door was closed and Andrea told me she was on an important call. She asked if I wanted to disturb her, but I waved her off. I felt a little lost, so I went to the only other place I could think of, the IT department. Stepping into the office, which was once mine, gave me a sense of peace. Things were simpler down here, no life and death, no Jacklyn, it brought me back to a time where my only goal was to get Anastasia back.

"Chris," Bianca squealed. She was the first person to notice me and her reaction surprised me. She was always so shy, had that changed? What had happened?

I greeted all the girls; Bianca, Kerri and Juliana. Even Carmen stuck her head out of her office to say hello. My desk was still empty and I sat down at it.

"It's been a while," Kerri said, "how are you, Chris?"

"Well, Ana and I got back together."

"Yeah," Juliana said, "and then she was almost killed."

"Let's not talk about that, please," I said. "I'm in here trying to get away from it all."

They all agreed and I listened to them talk about what had changed in their lives. Bianca had gone back to her usual shy self, so I could tell her reaction was just because she was excited to see me. I definitely missed it down here. A job came in and I stood up.

"Are you going?" Bianca asked.

"Umm, actually," I said, "do you mind if I take this job?"

"But what will the CEO say?" Juliana joked.

"I think it will be fine," Kerri said.

I took the job. It was some network connectivity issue. I went to the woman's office and her voice was so whiny. I wondered why I was doing this. IT was boring and tedious. I pushed her out of the way and checked her computer, no fault there. It must be the cable. I checked it out, it seemed fine. I decided to follow it. It took me all the way to the server room. So many cords. I knew this was probably out of my depth, but I just had to match the code on the back of the cord to this one. It shouldn't be too hard.

It was dark in here though. I grabbed the lamp off the table, but it wouldn't turn on. Right, of course. Even a simple IT job was out of my reach. Why couldn't I figure these things out? Anastasia was in danger, she had almost been killed and I couldn't figure out the connection, or this connectivity problem, or this damn lamp. Deep breath, deep breath. The lamp shouldn't be hard to fix. I checked the bulb and then the switch, and then noticed it was turned off at the power outlet. I flicked it on, let there be light.

Thank fuck something was working out for me.

"You know," Anastasia said, standing in the doorway, "we have a maintenance department to fix whatever you're doing."

She was here. I went over and hugged her. "Ana," I breathed out.

"Christian, what's going on?" she asked.

Honesty. I needed to be honest.

"I think it's getting too much again, Ana."

She pulled back immediately. "Let's go to my office," her voice was tight, "it's too dark in here."

I would follow her anywhere. We got a few looks as we walked hand-in-hand to her office, but I didn't care. When we were inside, she let go of my hand and I sat down on the couch. Anastasia sat on the armchair opposite me, just like in our first meeting. It seemed like so long ago now.

"What's going on in that head of yours?" she asked.

"I can't figure it out," I told her, "this whole Jacklyn thing and it's overwhelming me. I want to protect you so badly, but it's getting complicated. At home, it was easy to avoid, but today, being downstairs with the guys, overhearing them as they tried to work on this… I… I think it's too much. I'm your boyfriend, Ana, being on your security team too, with all this shit going on, I can't handle it. You know when they say ignorance is bliss? I think I need that, but I can't just let it go, I want to be a part of it. I want to figure out the connection between you and Jacklyn. I don't know."

"Why were you in the server room, Christian?" she asked.

"I came to see you, but you were busy, don't worry Andrea said she would disturb you but I told her not to, then I went to IT and I instantly felt calmer. A job came up and I jumped at it. I thought doing something mundane would be easy to figure out, but it wasn't. Then the lamp wouldn't work…" Nothing was working for me. "Can't we go back to our backup plan?" I asked. "I can become your sex slave and not work."

Anastasia smiled. "No, Christian, we can't do that. What about going back into publishing?" she asked. "I can buy one of the existing companies in Seattle and you can start at whatever level you want. Put your degree to work."

"I don't think so, not until Jacklyn's dealt with."

"I can move you back to IT," she said, "part time. That way you can still work in the basement if you wish or you can go to IT. Split your time how you please."

The thought was comforting, but IT was boring and I couldn't even figure the problem out, though I was getting close after I fixed the lamp.

"What do you think?" she asked.

"I'm thinking two things; at least I fixed the lamp, and, does the CEO always help employees when they're having a crisis?"

"No, Christian, we have a psychologist on staff for that if you should so need."

"IT, maintenance, a psychologist… What else do you have here?"

"We try to do everything in-house," Anastasia said. "I've actually been toying with the idea of hiring a chef and someone to make coffee rounds, so we can cut down on time spent getting coffee and going out for lunch. It should increase productivity, morale and hopefully, public perception of me."

That made me laugh. Anastasia now cared what her employees thought about her? That was a major change.

"Are you feeling better?" she asked me.

I was.

"Yeah, I just needed a break."

"You fixed a lamp," Anastasia said.

"Yeah," I smiled, "I mean, it wasn't switched on at the outlet, but I fixed the problem."

"I have another suggestion for you then," Anastasia said, "you could join the maintenance department. I haven't checked on it in a long time, but from memory it's just one guy running it. That might be good for you, physical problems you can actually fix, and because it's only Patrick, you can see how it works, figure out how to make it run better. Did you know that most workplace accidents are due to small issues that could easily be fixed; a stuck drawer, broken chairs, etcetera. You could make it your goal to get more employees to report these problems and fix them before they cause injury."

That sounded interesting.

"And I can still work in the basement and IT if I wish?" I asked.

"As long as you're working for me I don't care where," Anastasia said. "Your mental health is important to me, Christian. I know you won't drop working on finding Jacklyn, but please take a break from it."

"I will, thanks, Ana, for being here and figuring out something for me to do."

"Figuring out things is what I do," she said, "but there's a reason I'm staying away from the Jacklyn case, we need to know our limits and stick by them. Do you want me to introduce you to Patrick in maintenance?"

"Can it wait until tomorrow?" I asked. "All I want to do is lay on this couch and watch you work. Call it personal security." I laid down, making myself comfortable.

Anastasia leaned over me, hand on my cheek as she kissed me.

"Okay, baby," she said, "think it all through, but tomorrow I want you to get some real work done."

"Watching you is real work," I said, "you literally have several people hired to do just that."

Anastasia laughed as she walked back to her desk.

"You're the most anti-work person I know," she said. "Though," she sat down, "I think I like this new art installment in my office, maybe I will keep it."

I smiled, I couldn't help it. Anastasia calmed me and that's what I needed right now. I didn't want to have any more blackouts or for my buried memories to resurface. I just wanted Jacklyn caught, but right now, for the rest of today, I would put that problem in Anastasia's security team. I was just her boyfriend right now, the clingy, confused boyfriend who had planted himself in her office to creepily watch her work.

Anastasia was still watching me and she matched my ridiculously wide smile. God, she was beautiful, and all mine. We would be alright, I just needed to take a couple of steps back, split my time, like Anastasia suggested. I could do this, we could do this.