Oh my god, I had a huge writer's block. And for everyone who was waiting on me, I am so so sorry. It's been crazy between the times of the last update and now. What more can I say to that? Last chapter, I was 7 reviews off 200 and now I have 249 reviews. That means since I last updated, I received 56 reviews and I honestly cannot be more grateful. It has been long but I finally feel inspired to update this fic again and hopefully finish it. I am so so close and this fic is so dear to me. Thank you all for your support, for reading this fic and submitting those reviews. They mean the world! I can only hope that the fic's conclusion will satisfy you all.
I feel kind of good about how this chapter turned out. Shorter than I expected but eh, it's been harding writing for the YGO fandom lately. I haven't even read any Thiefshipping fics lately that have inspired me to be honest. Come on guys, we can do so much better, haha! Revive this fandom of goodfics, tralala. I like to think I'm doing my part, teehee.
No serious, you guys have been awesome and I hope you follow this fic to its very end. I may not be updating any more of my other YGO fics, but this has been my first YGO fic and the most treasured fic of mine. I'll update this and I'll update this and be proud. I hope you guys enjoy!
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Chapter Thirty-Three: Can't Get What You Want
Marik's POV
The process of sacrifice... Apparently it's different for everyone. The context is always different. Are you sacrificing yourself for the greater good or..? What effect will your sacrifice have on others? Will it change the world? Will anyone miss you if you're gone? What is your cause? What if you sacrifice yourself and things don't change or... instead, they get worse? I don't really know too much about the impact I have on others. Maybe it's just something that can't be put into words. The effect you have on the people around you...
What does that mean to Bakura?
Mana was holding the force field in place and didn't seem to have much trouble doing so. Yami took a fierce stance that made you believe he was prepared for anything. And Bakura... He had this expression that felt so far away. I couldn't read it. I just couldn't.
But there was something desperate about it. His fists were clenched and yet his whole body was shaking nervously. He was trying so hard to look determined and not let his true emotions show, I could tell. But he told me he was ready for anything and I couldn't believe it. If he could still read my thoughts, he would know this. Without the mind reading ability, a large undeniable gap has opened between us.
Now Bakura and I... have a normal relationship.
That stupid struggle couples go through where they try to understand one another feelings, trying to know what it means when one pulls certain expressions or says certain things. Bakura and I no longer have that advantage. Because back when Bakura could read my mind, I felt like he was definitely easier to get along with and I felt that more often than not, I could understand him too. Now it feels like we've taken a step backwards in deciding to be together and deciding to strip away what made us unique.
Yet all these thoughts will soon no longer matter when it's time for me to say goodbye.
What does that mean to Bakura?
Maybe it wasn't what made us unique but what made us... convenient? No, I can't think such things! I love Bakura, I really do and I want to reach out to him right now because the state he's in right now, all I know is that he's confused and yet I can't do a thing because I don't know what to say. It frustrates me. It frustrates me so much I could bite off my tongue for having not served its purpose. And I could do it now, I could. So that I don't have to find the words to say goodbye.
I've decided to leave this world. Why can't I just do it now? Everything always has to stretch itself further, doesn't it? I... I... I'm so sick of all this. I'm sick of playing my part. I'm so sick of myself playing this part!
"Marik-boy has some very dark thoughts there, doesn't he Bakura-boy?" Pegasus commented in a taunting voice. I immediately snapped back to the situation at hand and Bakura... Bakura was seething with anger, I could tell. Pegasus knew that comment would hit home.
"Don't let him anger you, Bakura!" Yami yelled out. "Get ahold of yourself!"
Bakura shot a glare in Yami's direction. "Don't tell me what to do! You're not our leader!"
"Neither are you!" Mana pointed out. Crap, we can't have these guys fighting, not in these circumstances..!
"Guys, stop it!" I eventually called out. The others all fell silent and looked at me. "I don't want to fight. We gotta get this dealt to right away. And I want to talk to Pegasus so let me handle him, guys!" Bakura's hand shot out and gripped my arm tightly. "L-Let go of me, Bakura!"
"I said I'd protect you! There's no way I'm letting you get near him!" Bakura snapped furiously, clutching my arm even tighter when I tried to pull away. "We can't have you leave this force field, Marik! You're safer right here!"
"I don't care! It doesn't matter either way because no matter what I do from here on out, you're going to be unhappy! So stop thinking you can always have things your way! Grow up for fuck's sake!" Everything went silent. Oh god, what have I done? I can't say things like that, Bakura will take it to heart, I know. Look at me, Bakura. See that I don't really mean the things I said!
And, without warning, Bakura kicked off the ground, forcing Mana to take away the force field. He made a dive straight for Pegasus. Fuck! A beam shot out from Pegasus' Millennium Eye and all I could think was 'Dodge, Bakura!'
The next thing I knew, Bakura was flung out of the way. He glanced at me for a moment. Ah, I caused him to dodge.
Instead of trying to go for Pegasus again, Bakura started taking out Pegasus' henchmen. Yami and Mana suddenly rushed out and joined him before the former told the latter to stay back with me. She leapt back and stood by me.
"I... I'll protect you, Marik!" she told me, taking a step ahead of me.
And I began to focus less on the chaos around me. Bakura and Yami... whether they were doing okay out there or not, I couldn't be sure. Pegasus was coming towards us. I immediately thought of ways to stop him attacking us with the Sennen Item he's in possession of. His hand shifted to cover over his Millennium Eye and it bothered him. Ah, he can't tear his hand away because of me.
This... This can work. With this power, I can stop him attacking with his Sennen Item. And I can drag him closer. This could really work. I asked Mana how the others were doing, for I got the feeling that if I take my eyes off of Pegasus for even a split second, he could knock me out. And yet it was hard. I muttered under my breath constantly for Pegasus to keep his hand covering his eye. I can't break concentration; I just can't. Hell, I'd tell Mana to do something but that would only break my focus. Just have to hope that Mana knows what she's doing. She has to..!
Suddenly I felt nerves transferring to me. What the hell is this feeling?
It all happened in the moment.
A scream.
And Mana crashed backwards into me and we landed with a thud on the ground. What the hell happened? I saw that Mana was unconscious and I saw that Pegasus' eye was no longer covered. And he was going to attack again! Shit..!
Then suddenly Pegasus yelled out in pain. As I got up, everything all registered in my mind.
Those nerves I felt were Mana's. The moment I decided to pay attention to those, I stopped keeping a proper eye on Pegasus. He tried to attack with that beam again. But Mana got between us. She ended up being knocked out because of it. Pegasus tried to attack me but his hand was forced out in front of his eye just as he tried to do so. He hurt himself.
I can't do this..! I take my mind off Pegasus for just one moment and this happens! Mana, I'm sorry... I stopped you from protecting me. Shit, I can't dwell on this either. I stared at Pegasus with little willpower left. I've chosen to die, but I can't fail yet. There's so much I'm trying to let go of and yet I have to keep going for just that bit longer. If I screw up here, I'll never forgive myself. And I would understand if Bakura didn't want to forgive me either. How can I do this to him?
But there's that small bit of willpower; that glimmer of hope. Pegasus will only keep trying. Maybe I'm looking at this the wrong way. He needs to give up and give up mentally. I need to know his motivations. Fighting won't do any good. Bakura and Yami can take out his henchmen, but Pegasus won't give up unless I take away his glimmer of hope. I have to get through to him. His motivations behind collecting all the Sennen Items? I need to find that out.
I need to find that out and tear it down ruthlessly. I have to break him. I have to break him more than I've broken anyone. This won't be easy for me.
"Pegasus!" I called out to him. "With my powers, I'll force you to injure yourself if you try to attack me..! So tell me, why isn't one Sennen Item enough for you? Why do you want them all?"
He stopped trying to get closer to me. His hand remained in place, blood trickling from the wound he had created. "...If you must know, there's someone important to me that I must see again." Someone important..? Wait, why wouldn't he be able to see them otherwise? Unless... I froze. He must mean the dead. "...My wife. She passed away. I just want to see her again..! The Sennen Items have tremendous powers, don't they?"
Just that reason alone was going to tear him open from the inside. He can't. They can't. When I think about the powers that the Sennen Items have, I could honestly cry. Spill my heart out, and cry like the day I was first brought into this world.
"...You... You think that..." I almost wanted to laugh. Laugh and plunge a knife into my heart. Why? I was already planning to do the same to Pegasus'. "Do you really think that the Items are capable of that? Honestly?"
The needle at his emotions reflected in his eyes. It all went silent. Bakura and Yami had done their job. They were watching me intently. And they could tell they weren't supposed to get into this conversation. But I felt like I had Bakura's heart in my hands also. I could crush it. And I felt crazy. I wanted to scream.
I looked at Pegasus and urged him to feel insecure, to feel vulnerable and full of doubt. He really started to look like he felt it. It was utterly amazing, how the way I could win is to turn this way. To break him down without any remorse. And yet the words I was going to speak were nothing more than the truth.
My name is Marik Ishtar. From the moment I received the Tombkeeper's Initiation, I had a demonic spirit living within me. And all this time, his influence had been hanging over me. I think a part of me truly wanted to kill my father that day for having forced this life onto me. And my heart kept tearing itself into little pieces ever since, doubting any chance at a full recovery.
Bakura could learn. He was so much fun to be around with that I felt like I could heal. But I'm going to sacrifice myself and it's going to break him too. And yet that's just it. Without this sacrifice, this will keep on going for generations and generations. It has to stop somewhere.
Every action that I take is to protect the next generation and all the ones to come after that. Once someone dies, there is no coming back.
And I could honestly laugh.
"What... What are you saying..?" Pegasus finally asked. He was going to finally see the sun lift up over the horizons. And it'll dawn upon him. And I'll win.
"If the Sennen Items had that power, I can already name what I'd do. Let's see..." I held up my hands and counted along each finger. And the way I trembled. Shit, I'm freaking myself out. I really am. "I could... I could bring back my parents. I could bring back Bakura's mother and sister back too. I could bring them back to life. But it's obvious that I hadn't done any of that, right? The Sennen Items may have tremendous powers but they cannot undo what has already been done..! I can't go back and edit out all those many years the Ishtar family have suffered. And they can't bring people back to life! And I've been taught never to desire the Sennen Items but if they were capable of such things, I would want them more than anything. The Sennen Items don't bring you miracles. Pegasus, I know everything there is to know about the Sennen Items. But all you know... All you know is just trivial."
There was a long silence. Everyone took in these words I had spoken aloud. And my cheeks became wet, wet with tears. Because the Sennen Items were so worthless. So horribly worthless. Why did they have to exist? I was going to break the Items that my family had suffered over protecting for generation after generation. And when I die, not a thing can bring me back.
Pegasus could only stare. He was speechless for a long time. Even when I stopped having control over his hand to cover his eye, he wouldn't move. Suddenly, he fell to his knees. He was dead silent.
One tearful expression met with another. Bakura still had his fists clenched and he looked so determined to remain strong. But he couldn't stop the tears just spilling from his eyes. "You don't have to... You don't have to bring any of my family members back..! Marik, you're more family to me than anyone else! I'd find a way to bring you back; I'd do anything..!"
Bakura took a step closer to me and I saw Pegasus' head jerk up. Then he screamed in pain as I forced his hand over his eye again, causing him to collapse. He rolled over onto his back and shouted. No, he roared at the sky. "Marik..! You're lying..! You have to be lying..! I wouldn't have done all this if you were telling the truth..! So you have to be lying! You must be..!"
Yami took immediate action. He reached over and placed his hand upon Pegasus' forehead. A glow of light. Then Pegasus fell unconscious. Yami stood up again. "I erased his memories," he announced. Then he reached over and plucked out the Sennen Eye, looking uncomfortable as he did so. "After all, it's best Pegasus doesn't remember. What he obsessed over was something he was never going to get. The things he'd done to try and attain what he was never going to get. And what he was planning to do... It would've been too much for him to bear with."
I nodded at him. "There have been many mistaken assumptions about the Sennen Items." And Bakura threw himself at me. He dug his fingernails into my back and shoved his face into my chest. I wrapped my arms around him as Yami went over to check on Mana along with Yugi, who had emerged from the tower. "Bakura, I..." Then I realised I had no words of consolation.
Then he mumbled words that I honestly never expected to hear from him. "Why... Why do I feel so sorry for Pegasus..? Now of all times, after everything that's happened..?"
A dark thought fixed itself into my mind.
What Pegasus cared about the most was something he was never going to get.
And when I thought that, Bakura had torn my heart in two again.
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Mana finally came to. She wasn't very injured. We had all moved inside the Tower of the Sennen Items. It would be the place where at last, everything would be all over. And I would die. And I'll have protected all the future generations of the Ishtar clan.
It was an interesting building. From the moment I walked inside, the carvings on my back began to ache and the ceiling suddenly shifted aside, as if all floors in the Tower didn't actually exist. A platform appeared and hovered slightly above the ground and we could see that there was a spot to place each and every Sennen Item. Then at the very top of the Tower, on the true ceiling was a giant spike. It was mirroring the platform and I could only assume that the platform was supposed to rise and get spiked. But where do I come into this, I wonder? Maybe I'm supposed to take the blow from the spike first?
All I have to wait on is Shadi and Rishid getting here with the rest of the Sennen Items. Then everything can begin. And I'd find out how this ritual would work.
I glanced over at Bakura, who sat in the corner of the room. He hugged his knees and wouldn't budge. When I tried to speak to him, he wouldn't answer. Was he mad at me or..? I'd understand if he was, but I can't stand him not wanting to speak to me. I wish I could understand.
Yami glanced outside and turned to the rest of us. "I see Shadi. Rishid, Ishizu and Ryou too."
Bakura leapt to his feet and rushed outside to see them, Mana and Yugi following him. I looked outside and watched as Bakura leapt at Ryou, hugging him tightly. The force caused the two to fall onto the sand. And as Yugi and Mana tried to greet everyone cheerfully, they were stopped by the agonising cries of Bakura. I... I'm killing him inside. I feel like everything could turn horribly wrong for Bakura once I die.
But what exactly causes me to die in this ritual? Is there a way to do this ritual and come out of it alive? There has to be a way! If I believe there's a way, I can figure it out, right? There must be a trick to all of this.
Because I still have that glimmer of hope. I have to end the Ishtar curse but I have to live..! If I can figure out a way, then I'd do it! I want to protect the future for my family yes, but Bakura... I love Bakura. He and Ryou are my family too. And my friends. Yami, Yugi, Anzu, Shizuka, Jounouchi, Honda, Otogi and everyone else! How would they feel if I died? They're my beloved friends. Even if I haven't been the best guy and in fact, I can be a complete asshole at times, I know... Even so, I can't let them down!
They are the people that make up my world. And I would do anything to protect their futures too.
I have to die but I have to live. The Tombkeeper's Initiation has been carved into my body. Only this body can do the sacrifice. But sacrificing means giving something up. What do I have to give up? If it's something I can give up and still be able to live, then I'll work out a way to sacrifice and live..!
That glimmer of hope. The future I want to protect. To end the past and protect the future, the present matters now more than ever. I have to work it out. Something must be sacrificed. I have to do work it out.
So I turned to Yami and looked him dead in the eye. "I'll live."
His eyes widened. "But the sacrifice..?"
"I don't think it's my life I have to sacrifice here. I can't die."
"Marik, you're not making sense here..!"
"I may be wrong, but I feel like there's a way to continue living."
Yami stared at me in silence, even when the others were returning inside. Even when Ryou suddenly rushed in, puffing and panting as he looked at me, horrified. Ryou's worked it out. He grabbed at my arm and pulled me closer. "Marik, why would you-?"
"I'm not," I cut Ryou off and paced over to Shadi. "I could be wrong but I have some theories. There may be a way for me to sacrifice myself and live." Everyone swivelled round to face me. Even though I had no basis behind my words, I just felt it. I felt it strongly. And Shadi was the only one to reply that he understood. Then he told me something important.
"Your spirit that came with the Tombkeeper's Initiation can confirm everything."
I nodded. "I think so too. So Bakura, you have to keep looking to me. Understand?" Bakura jerked his head in response. "I'm unsure... but you have to believe in me, okay?"
"What else can I do..?" Bakura answered back. I guess this is the best I'm getting from him. Right. There is no going back. I have to move forward. I'm ready.
"It's time for the final ceremony for the Ishtar clan."
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The next chapter is the sacrifice ritual chapter! Will Marik die after all? Can he work out if there's a way to survive a sacrifice? Can a happy ending be attained after all? And what of the remaining quotes the end of last chapter?:
"What the hell will I do without you? Don't even answer; I don't know either."
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"You know Bakura... I think I may be leaving Yugi too."
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"I know why you're worried. You know I'm going to take you down with me!"
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Thank you for reading. A review would be just dandy! XD No seriously, it feels good to have updated this. Until next time (which shall hopefully be sooner...),
Adios!
Mel-Girl.