CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
I sat with Esme as she knitted, just watching her and thinking. She tried to teach me once and I got it, but after weeks of not doing it I hadn't remembered how to do it anymore and just gave up.
Carlisle and Edward had taken Emmett hunting, saying they needed to have a talk with him—something I rolled my eyes to, but at the same time secretly smiled to. They had left not more than five minutes ago, and five minutes later and I was already restless. Esme seemed content though—humming along as she knitted and a smile adorning her soft face.
I couldn't take it anymore and I didn't want to describe the entire room or else I would have gone crazy. So instead, I asked Esme without even looking at her, "Have you talked to Emmett yet?"
She stopped knitting. I could hear it. "Why would I?"
I shrugged my shoulders. "What else is Carlisle and Edward doing? Besides, you seem to have the best opinion between those two. Carlisle's too formal… and nice. And Edward's an ass."
Esme let out a laugh. "He already knows whatever I had planned to tell him. And believe it or not, but I don't have the slightest idea what Carlisle and Edward could be talking about to Emmett."
I rolled my eyes. "Oh please, Esme."
"I'm completely serious, Rosalie," Esme said. "But tell me this: do you love him?" she asked me, so straightforwardly. I hadn't expected that to come out of her—most likely Edward, but not Esme. She regarded me subtly and I hesitated at first.
"Yeah," I said after consideration. Everything he has done for me… for us.
"And does he know?"
"I'm not sure."
Esme put down her knitting needles and paid attention to me and only to me. "Did you tell him about Roy—"
"Of course not," I interrupted. She didn't say anything and I sighed. "I just… what's the point? I mean, he came back, I'm happy, he's happy… there's like no reason to even talk about it," I said too forcefully, too happily to even be believable. There was a sad smile etched on my face as my voice became a pitch higher, and I knew that no matter how much I wanted to believe myself that the denial would still be there.
And she knew and besides Emmett, she could read me the best. So she asked me, "Are you happy with how it is right now? How it's going to be for years to come?"
I turned away and nodded my head, pursing my lips together. "Yes," I whispered.
No one spoke for a moment and I heard Esme take a deep breath. "I don't believe you, Rosalie." My head snapped towards her at her bluntness, but her expression didn't change. "Emmett may have come back, but it's inevitable that you're going to get scared and that you're going to unintentionally push him away because of Royce again. He doesn't know what Royce did, so he'll never understand why you're leaving and coming back."
"Then what do I do?"
"If you tell him, you're going to get two things: his trust, and his understanding. He'd understand when you need time alone, and he'd trust you even more when he knows that you trust him too, and I bet he'd wait forever for you because of that."
I thought about what she said and knew she was right. I smoothed the nonexistent wrinkled on my yellow dress. "When did you tell Carlisle?" I asked her, my eyes on my lap as I fingered the hem of my dress.
"When I realized I loved him."
My finger stopped moving and I bit my bottom lip. I closed my eyes and tucked my blonde tresses behind my ear. The world was suddenly spinning. "I've never told him," I said slowly and quietly, as if I were embarrassed. And in a way I was, but also because I was confiding in someone with one of my secrets that no one besides Emmett and I—and probably Edward—knew.
"You'll tell him when you're ready—" Esme began, but the front door slammed open before she could continue, so she just smiled at me when Emmett's voice screeched through the house.
Emmett was rambling about how he needed to get away from Edward and Carlisle, that when he flung through to the room he immediately latched onto me from the couch. He picked me up and held me tight, falling back down to the couch, but with me on his lap that time. His nose was in my hair and I let out an airy laugh.
"I don't know why he's being so dramatic," Edward said as he entered the room, pointedly looking at Emmett that made me smile.
"You threatened to cut off my—"
"Oh, Jesus," I said, covering my ears.
"—if I tried anything," Emmett finished, looking down at me.
I gave him a tight smile and glared at Edward and briefly at Carlisle, who put his hands up in defense. "Edward did most of the talking, Rosalie," Carlisle remarked, strolling to Esme and sitting on the armrest of the couch.
"Forget about it," Esme said softly, cutting through the pointed stares passing through the room.
"Yes, please," I said, not moving from my seat.
Emmett's eyes were on me for a moment before he strode over, sitting beside me. I didn't make a move, but I also didn't stiffen. I was relaxed and I knew Edward noticed—I knew he was in my head. I was so used to him being there that I always watched my thoughts. The room was silent when Emmett had come over and it was only me who had noticed.
There was a long pause no one wanted to break. "What?" Emmett asked, looking vividly around the room. He looked at me. "They—well, Edward—told me—"
"Yeah, I don't really care," I said, mostly saying it to Edward instead of Emmett. I rested my hand on Emmett's, giving him a light squeeze to reassure him. I looked at Emmett and smiled. "Let's go," I told him and before he could respond him I came off my seat and dragged him outside. I was suffocating.
Before I could open my mouth Emmett was apologizing. "I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you."
"Emmett—"
"No Rosalie, let me finish. Please," he started, and I didn't say anything, letting him continue. "I would have come back whether or not you called me, but knowing that you want me just as much as I want you… I just… I needed time to think, and I did. I care about you, I just missed my family, and I think that was where the problems started."
"It's okay, I'm okay, and you're okay." I lifted my eyes to meet his. "Okay?" Oh how I wanted to believe in the words. I didn't wait for him to finish and headed inside to an animated house that was awkward a couple of minutes ago.
When Esme saw us her eyes lit up. "Well," she started, "since we're all together, I think we should do something as a family. And Carlisle, you don't have to go to the hospital today?"
He shook his head and Esme stood up, lively among the washed out faces. "Oh!" Esme perked up, gasping. "Let's go to the cinema. I've been alive for forty years and have never been to the cinema. Let's go, Carlisle!" she exclaimed, grabbing at his hand and tugging him towards he garage. Her voice was nothing less than excited and lively, and she told us to come along.
I smiled at her and looked at Emmett, who was silently chuckling to himself. Without looking at Edward I followed Esme and Carlisle.
When we reached outside, Emmett and I separated from them, going into my car. I didn't say a word, just held onto Emmett's hand and brought him along. It was strange—being together as a family. The word family still wasn't a word I was used to using, especially around these people. But they were more than people because they weren't strangers to me anymore—I just didn't know the right words to describe them.
Emmett and I went to the Buick and I took the driver side—naturally. I ignored Emmett even after he insisted that he drive. There was a smirk on my lips and I rolled my eyes as he kept talking and talking and talking. I was following Edward's Bentley and tried to tune Emmett out, but he kept pressing on.
"Emmett, you're not touching my car," I said as I cast him a quick glance. He pouted like a child and I laughed, sputtering and almost drove off the road because I wasn't looking. "Stop doing that! We almost crashed!"
"We?" Emmett asked accusingly. "You're the one driving, darling—and you're not doing a very good job at that."
"At least I didn't crash a car that wasn't mine."
"Fine, fine, fine! Just keep bringing it up!"
"Gladly."
"Hmph," Emmett exclaimed, reclining back on the seat and tilting his head to look at the roof of the car. Unable to hide my smile, I reached out and held his hand, squeezing it. His eyes lifted onto mine and he grinned, and for a moment I was confused. His other hand then reached over and soon he was turned sideways. I gnawed my lower lip and he came close as I tried to keep driving—the corner of my eyes watching the road. I was okay, I told myself.
Then, without warning, he leaned close and captured my lips in his and for the first second of our kiss I felt acceleration come from deep within me. It was like he turned a switch and set off a spark because I pulled him in, but he didn't come too far close because the moment it started was the moment it ended.
Crash!
We lurched forward and broke apart, Emmett grabbing onto the back of the seat with one hand and grabbing me with the other to prevent me from flying forward. My eyes were wide and I realized I had stepped on the gas pedal the moment his lips came to contact with mine. The sound of the crash made a sickening crackle as the hard impact of the two vehicles collided, resulting in an echoing sound that seemed to last forever.
Still stunned, I turned to Emmett to find him grinning at me. It was hardly the expression I expected to see on his face. "I guess we're even now," he said to me, and I just stared at him, lost.
Realizing what he meant, I pushed him off me and leaned close to the forward of the car, finding that I had crashed into the back of Edward's Bentley. It wasn't that much, but it was enough to make me cry had it happened to me.
Oh Lord. It had happened to me. I could only imagine what the front of my car looked like.
"Oh Jesus," I breathed out, my eyes still wide and my hair in disarray. I didn't know what to say. I breathed in heavily for a few seconds before turning and glaring right through Emmett that his grin had faltered completely. "What the hell was that for?" I nearly screamed at him—enunciating every word.
"I, uh…" he started, but I opened the door and ignored him completely.
When I saw the front of my car I wished I hadn't—I really, really, really wished I hadn't. Pure shock crashed through me, and the anger in my eyes turned to concern and incredible sadness. My red Buick that I restored completely by myself now had a broken headlight that looked like it would fall off any minute and a smashed headlight that hadn't survived at all. The bumper was dented and scratched and Edward's Bentley looked like it got the brute of the damage.
"What the hell, Rosalie?" Edward snarled, which was the antithesis of his usual calm and collective resolve.
Despite wanting to scare me, I was anything but scared of Edward. I was angry and just as angry as Edward was at Emmett. At least, I should have been.
It was just a sight to see: Edward fuming mad for the first time since I had known him, and no matter how much I ruffled his feathers or got him pissed, he never acted upon it like he was now. And all it took was Emmett a couple of weeks to change Edward's demeanor completely without even trying to.
So I laughed.
And I laughed.
And I laughed.
Edward's face soon adapted another emotion I had never really seen on his face: confusion. I was so into my own laughter that I barely heard the door of my Buick open and Emmett step out. It was when he was beside me that I turned to him and was giggling madly—Rosalie and giggling, never thought I'd see the day—before Emmett started to chuckle as well.
"Lighten up, Edward," I said, before turning and getting back into the car. I saw Esme and Carlisle peer warily behind them at a emotion ridden Edward and a smiling Emmett before smiling themselves. With Edward glaring at Emmett, all he did was shrug his shoulders and stroll back to the car, hopping in the passenger seat. Once he had closed the door it only took a second of silence before I burst into another fit of hysteria.
"If this makes you laugh… well then, you have some skewed up happiness Rosalie," Emmett remarked, and I shook my head, starting the car up again. Edward was still standing there and I yelled at him to hurry up and move out of the way. Reluctantly, he threw his arms up—a sign of giving up—and went back to his car. I drove past them and waved at Esme and Carlisle—who were sitting in the backseat—and continued to drive. I didn't need Edward to take the lead because I already knew where the cinema was.
The rest of the drive ended up in silence and Emmett didn't try to distract me again, but what he didn't know was that if he were to try again I would let him. I just didn't voice it out.
We drove all the way to Pennsylvania again; to the drive-in that held so many memories, and so many fears. Emmett, like the gentleman he was, insisted that he paid, and when I looked behind me I saw Edward pay as well. We parked near each other, but not right beside each other. There were vacant spots between us but I knew it would be filled eventually. We were near the front, but not too close, and when I finally put the car to a stop I breathed out, resting back on my seat. Emmett slung an arm across my seat and I turned to him, quirking a brow.
"Next time, don't destroy my car," I told him, looking at him pointedly. Emmett chuckled nervously and scratched his head, and I tried to hide a smile.
He caught it.
"You're smiling Rosalie, which means you're not actually angry, so!"
"So?"
He shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know. So… you can't stay mad at me."
"Like I ever could," I said, rolling my eyes and leaning into his arm. From the distance I saw Edward, who was leaning back against the seat with Esme and Carlisle at the back, leaning in close. We stayed in the car and I kept a firm grip on Emmett to make sure he wasn't going to get out of control. We had parked off to the severe left to try and stay away from humans as much as possible.
When I looked at Edward, leaning back casually as if he hadn't a care in the world, he was smiling. His head was slightly turned but out of my complete view, but I saw a crooked smile on his face as humans walked by with concession stand food. A few people would glance his way, and another few would have lingering stares at him, whispering something that no doubt he could hear. It was if he were flirting with them all, not bothering to hide his eyes as he watched people bass by the front of his car, ignoring that his parents were right behind them.
Shaking my head I turned away and leaned back down on Emmett. Sometimes I wondered if he ever got lonely. I didn't know how long he had been a vampire, but he's been around Carlisle and Esme long enough, but was that enough to want what they had, what Emmett and I were getting? Was he ever lonely? Has he ever loved someone? Was he happy?
As the lights dimmed and the movie started, I tried to push away my thoughts and concentrate on Frances Deeas she played Virginia in Finishing School.
The movie was light and pure escapism of a whimsical life of falling in love, but the end made me nostalgic of my human life. I tried not to think about it too much and instead tightened my hold of Emmett's arm around me. He looked down at me briefly, but I dared not to look up and instead focused on the screen till the movie was over.
As the cars stat to roll out Emmett and I stay in place, as well as Edward, Esme, and Carlisle. Soon, almost every car had left the lot, so I drove up beside the Bentley. Edward started the car, but before he drove off he rolled down the window.
"We're headed back, but Esme assumes you both will probably doing something else that I don't really want to know about."
I turned to Emmett who just shrugged. Then I rolled down my window and said, "I don't know yet, maybe. We'll stick around for a while I guess."
Edward nodded and was about to roll up his window when he added in, "And to answer your question: Yes, yes, and yes." Before I could ask what he meant he had rolled up the window and was driving away, Esme and Carlisle in tow.
I thought about it for a moment and figured out what he was answering me to. Emmett turned to me questioningly, but I feigned confusion and shrugged my shoulders.
Huh, Edward's quite a character.
Putting the car on park again, I rested my head on the seat. First there was Edward and his confusing personality, and now there was me and my nostalgia. I closed my eyes, my human memories flooding around me.
"Do you miss being human?" I asked Emmett.
"More than anything in the world," he said, and hesitated for a second, "but, I'll be fine. I got my angel, don't I?" he joked, and I rolled my eyes, annoyed. "What?" he asked.
"Stop with the… with the sappiness! Stop with the sugar and the… and the love and angel and beautiful because none of it is even true! Stop lying to me," I started, getting frustrated.
"Rosalie, what are you talking about?"
"Be angry, hate me!"
"Why would I hate you?"
"Stop doing that! Stop being so… nice! Tell me you hate me for taking away your humanity, your mortality, and making Carlisle stop you from dying and making you this way. Tell me you hate me for being so moody and yelling and screaming and then doing a complete one-eighty not a second later. Say it! Tell me you hate me!" I began to yell at him. Why was he so rational, so calm and never somber? Why was he always smiling that god damned smile I love and hated at the same time? Why did he make me yell and regret it not long after?
Emmett stayed silent, looking down at his hands before looking back at me, right at me. "You miss it bad, don't you? Being human? And I… I don't mind. Stop, Rosalie," he said as I opened my mouth. "I like challenges, I like taking things as they come, I don't mind. We only live once, but now I'm going to live forever. I won't have to worry about the world moving too fast because I'll be there with it. And you're here with me—even if you are moody and you yell and scream and do a complete one-eighty not a second later." He smiled.
"And you're… you're not okay, not yet. I don't know what you went through as a human, what you miss and what you couldn't wait to get away from. Something tells me it's more than what I went through. I miss being human, yes, but I've accepted that I'm not ever going to be one anymore. And you haven't, so don't lie to me and tell me you have because I know you, Rosalie. You gotta let it go. You'll smile, but I know you're still so miserable, I can tell. You have to just liberate yourself, you have to be free, Rosalie," he said the last part with such passion, such determination, that his voice snarled a bit at the end.
My eyes flickered away from his. "Why? You're not happy."
"Who says?"
"I do! Look at us right now, I'm angry, you're angry… we're always angry and fighting and you probably hate your life because of me!"
"I'm frustrated, but I don't hate my life, and never because of you, but I still have a lot to learn."
I almost laughed at him. "You don't need to let anything go, you say what you want all the time."
"I have to learn how to hold back. You have to learn how to let go. We need each other Rosalie."
Let go, let go, let go. Those words shouted at me from every direction, every day. I remembered what Esme had told me earlier about letting it go.
"Stop pretending to know me when you don't," I whispered harshly to him, my eyes latched onto his.
He did not stumble, I did not falter. "Then let me know you, tell me something! We're playing cat and mouse again—"
"Because that's what we do! Now do you understand? Hate me then, just walk away—you've done it before."
"I can't."
"Why not?"
"You do not know how much you yell at me, scream at me, and then change emotions just like that for no apparent reason. And maybe some masochistic part of me likes it because I take it and take it and take it and laugh. You make me laugh, but not in the way that people are used to seeing. The little things make you happy, like seeing Edward get all prissy to moody to someone just tripping and falling. You're different, you're strange, and you take control and then back out of it."
I stared at him, too shocked to say anything. And for the first time, someone had stunned me into complete and total silence.
"Of all the women I've met, you're the first one to act this way. I never know what comes next with you; you're such an unpredictable surprise. And I don't know if that's good or bad—you're seriously one of a kind. And I think I should hate you, but I can't, and I've never been with a woman long because they weren't you, and I hadn't even met you yet." He lowered his head, our lips not that far apart. His eyes were intense, but there was a sort of softness held inside of them. "Something tells me if I stick around long enough, it'll all be worth it. You're not just a challenge, you're more than that. You're Rosalie, and there's so much more to you than what is on the surface. When I'm frustrated and angry at you, sometimes I wonder if that's what I'm really feeling—or if it's something more."
The world around me was closing in before it turned completely black. "It's something more," I murmured, careful to move my lips so they didn't touch—not yet.
He chuckled. "I'm sure once I break through the surface things will get easier, but right now we're at the rough patch. Edward and Carlisle and Esme don't tell me anything about you, and I know there's something there. And I'm not going to force it out, I'm going to wait. We've already broke down one wall, right?" he asked, referring to him leaving.
I gulped, my eyes looking up at him.
"You can't shake me off, Rosalie. No matter how much you want to. I'm here for the long run."
"Why?" I asked, my voice breaking even though I had barely gotten a word in.
He sighed. "You've got to stop asking that. Don't you know? You have to know. I love you Rosalie and I don't think I'll ever stop. Despite you're yelling and screaming… when you're happy you're different, and I know I make you happy. And I know you want to be happy, but you're holding back. You've got to let go."
At that point, all the cars from the drive-in were gone—our lone car at the middle of the cinema.
I turned away from him, starting the engine and driving out of the drive-in in silence. I breathed deeply, letting his words sink in. Sometimes he was too much. My hands were gripping the wheel tightly and Emmett was quiet, for once. My eyes were staring straight ahead and I avoided looking at him beside me.
I took him to the field where we had lain underneath the stars. They were out again tonight. I stopped the car in the middle of the road and took a deep breath. "Sometimes I hate you so much, so much for making me this way. Sometimes I want you to just go away and never come back." My eyes were fixed in front of me, not moving at all. "And sometimes, I don't. Sometimes I want you to stay and never ever leave.
"You will never understand what happened. And I want to let go, but I can't." I stayed sitting before I opened the car door and stepped out, onto the grassy field. I sank to the floor and just laid there, my eyes transfixed on the stars. Not long after I heard him come through, just like I knew he would.
When he reached me he just stared down at me, blocking me from the stars.
My eyes lingered on his face, brightened by the moon and shadowed from the darkness. Never before had he looked so beautiful and delicate and completely vulnerable. His face was expressionless, but his eyes… they were waiting, hiding. My toes curled and my hair was splayed around me.
"I'll always be waiting, no matter what. Don't ever think otherwise," Emmett murmured, his voice rich and deep. And with one last fleeting look he turned around, and I watched him in stunned silence as he walked back to the car.
But before he could get in and shut the door and leave me there with the stars I loved, my fingers curled at the dirt beneath me and I said, staring right at his retreating form, "They raped me."
Emmett froze in place despite being so far away. His body didn't move and it was until several seconds later that he turned around and watched me as I stared right at him.
"Royce," I whispered, shifting my eyes to look at the sky. I heard his footsteps come closer.
"They?" he asked.
"His friends too. Carlisle found me when they were done."
There was a lingering silence for a long time before he decided to speak. I was awaiting his response.
"So I guess this is why you're always angry," he had finally said, and even though I should have been angry at what he had just said, what he had the audacity to utter, I wasn't. Why wasn't I?
So I smiled.
I hadn't expected that, not at all. Emmett was my rock. I guess it was relieving to have someone say something other than 'I'm sorry' for something they didn't experience or have a look of pity in their eyes. It was refreshing. And I knew he understood. Why had I been so worried? The way he said it so easily, yet cautiously. The way he still looked me in the eyes and knew exactly what to say without thinking…
Emmett McCarty really did know me after all.
I told him what he wanted to know and I didn't hold back because I didn't need to hold back. I told him of how I met Royce till my near death. I told him of my mother and father and Thomas and Nathaniel—incredible sadness washing over me as I talked about them. Emmett held my hand and listened.
We were laying side by side still in the field as I told him and the stars everything. Once I started I couldn't stop.
And when I was finally done, I turned my head to look at his profile.
"Rosalie," he started, turning to me as well, "I'll never understand what you went through, but know this: I still love you."
I smiled softly.
"Do the rest of them know about this?" Emmett asked, referring to the Cullen's.
I shook my head. "Not all of it. Edward probably does because he knows what I'm thinking though." I took a deep breath. "Royce took something from me I'll never get back, so many things… and then I met you and I'm… I'm happy. I'm happy that I let it go, or at least part of it. It'll always be there, but I know that I'll have you to be with me, right?" I said, the sweet saccharine words almost foreign on my tongue.
"Woman, do you even need to ask? What did I tell you? I know you," he remarked, playing with my hair.
"Not all of me," I bit back. I turned away from him and back to the sky. His hand reached out and lay atop of mine. He knew so much about me now, more than anyone I had ever known. And yet, I couldn't tell him that I loved him, not yet. Not that I didn't want to, because dear God I so wanted to, but because I couldn't.
I shifted against the grass and said, "Sometimes I wish you could read my mind, because I'm so scared to tell you what I'm thinking."
"I love you too."