When I woke up the next morning, I was miraculously in my bed, but Joanne wasn't there. That didn't surprise me, as it was a normal occurrence, until I remembered she had said that she wasn't going to work that day. I heard two people talking in a low, hushed tone from somewhere else in the apartment, but I couldn't understand what was being said. I heard Marcie start to cry, and dragged myself out of bed, curious about what was going on. I found Mark and Joanne talking by the door, Mark laden with Marcie's things, and Joanne in the process of handing her over to him.
"Hey, Maureen. Mark is going to take Marcie for the day so that you and I can spend some time together…and they can bond a little too." I nodded, yawning.
"That sounds good. It's really important to me that she and Marky have a strong bond." I rubbed his shoulder, and kissed the baby, who was now in his arms, on the head. I smiled at Mark. "Have fun, okay?" He nodded, looking slightly overwhelmed. "Mark, you'll be great. I promise." He nodded and headed out the door with the bundled up baby strapped to his chest, which made me laugh, kissing Mark on the cheek, teasing him because of how cute he looked. Joanne laughed along with me as he blushed wildly. I yelled that I still loved him, even though he looked silly, and he flipped me off behind his back. It was funny.
"Well Maureen, you certainly seem to be in a better mood this morning!" I nodded.
"It's all thanks to you, Pookie. If you hadn't been so wonderful last night…I don't know what I would have done. Really, I am so grateful that you had the patience to put up with all of that…" She put a finger to my lips to silence me, then put her mouth where her finger had been, drawing me deeply into a kiss. I pushed her down onto the couch, sliding my hands up beneath the Harvard t-shirt that she wore to bed, my hands separating my breasts from her own. I pulled her t-shirt off over her head and traced one of her nipples with my tongue. I felt it get hard, and took it between my teeth, sucking hard. I ran my hands over her ribcage and down lower, liberating her from her pants and underwear simultaneously, tracing down her chest and stomach with my tongue, then down her leg, tracing her inner thigh in a teasing manner. I knew exactly what to do to make her moan. I ran my tongue over her hot, moistened core, feeling the heat between my own legs building. With each sigh and groan of pleasure that escaped her lips, I found it harder and harder to contain my own enthusiasm. Her hips rocked towards me, and I slid my hands down her back to rest on her butt, teasing her with my tongue. She whimpered and groaned in frustration as I gently blew into her and traced her opening with my tongue. When I slid my tongue into her, she shuddered out of deliciously painful pleasure, needing me to fulfill her as I continued to drag her along. I traced around her swollen lips and feminine core with my fingers as my mouth found its way to the neglected nipple. She was panting now, hard, bucking, whining, and her body tensing. I thrust three fingers into her, pushing hard on her center with my thumb, as I sucked hard on her hardened, swollen nipple and she was gone, screaming out my name. I whispered in her ear "Take that as my thanks, Pookie". She smiled as she caught her breath, flipping me down onto the couch. She took off my pants and underwear, which were wet with my desire, and regarded me in the same manner as I had her, doing to me every little thing that I loved and loved to hate, making moan and scream and cry out her name, until I met the same fate as she had.
"Maureen…that was…" I was still breathing heavily, Joanne lying on top of me.
"Yeah."
"Well, believe it or not, that was not what I had planned for today…" I giggled and kissed her, and we seemed in danger of a repeat…not that that would have been so bad… "Maureen…"
"Okay! I'm sorry! What were you saying?" I couldn't prevent a wide smile from spreading across my face. I was so happy that she had taken off from work just for me, so happy just to be with her, to feel loved…
"Well, we still have some things to talk about, and I want to make sure that I am doing everything that I can to help you, but first and foremost, we're going to go out to eat and take a walk through the park, and wherever else you want to go…because we haven't gotten to do that in a long time, and I know how much you like that." I smiled, wrapping my arms around her and kissing her again.
"I love you so much, Pookie. You are so wonderful to me…" She smiled and kissed me back, and then stood up, our lips still locked as we drunkenly stumbled towards the bathroom, still naked, intoxicated by our love for one another. She turned on the water and we continued to caress one another as we waited for it to heat. I almost slipped as I got into the shower, but she caught me and pinned me up against the wall, the hot water only serving to make us more eager and hungry as we passionately delved into one another, the steam heightening the smell of sex by intensifying it and mixing with the heady vanilla aroma of my soap and the other scents that I associated with Joanne, such as her shampoo. Our lips were rarely separated as we touched and washed each other, finishing the shower feeling satisfied and renewed, and even more in love than before. I couldn't have been happier…this is the way that life ought to be, not worrying about messing up, just living and loving…in the end, love is all that matters…I want to be remembered that way, when I die…not this constantly depressed, on edge mess! I don't want my daughter to know me like that. Joanne, who was now fully dressed, came back to see me staring at myself in the mirror, absently drying my hair with a towel.
"You okay, honey?" I blinked and then smiled widely.
"Of course. Why wouldn't I be?" Joanne merely shrugged and kissed me before going about putting on her makeup. I finally walked out of the bathroom, slapping her ass in passing, wondering what was wrong with me that I couldn't even enjoy basking in the glorious glow of some of the best sex that I had ever had. "Pookie?" I called as I started to dress myself.
"Yes, Maureen?"
"I love you." She poked her head out of the bathroom, smiling.
"I love you, too." She blew me a kiss, and I grinned from ear to ear. "Now, put on a shirt!" I searched through my clothing, which lay mostly on the floor of the closet, if not the floor of the bedroom, to find the most revealing clothes that I owned. I had more or less returned to my normal figure by now, that is, before being pregnant and before losing ridiculous amounts of weight, because all being said, I really hadn't gained much from my ideal weight, maybe ten pounds. I found a deep red tank top that barely concealed my breasts and a tight, short leather skirt that hardly left anything to the imagination. I hadn't noticed how drab and frumpy my wardrobe had become until right then, and I found that I missed dressing provocatively all too much. This time, however, I wasn't dressing for anyone but Joanne and myself, and I was determined that I wasn't going to flirt with anyone (except for Pookie, of course). I went back into the bathroom, quickly and expertly running some gel through my hair and putting on my makeup in record time. Given my tendency to be late, everyone always assumed that it took me forever to get ready, but really that wasn't true. I was just disorganized and forgetful. It always astounded Joanne how quickly I could be ready to go when I wanted to. We kissed once more, hands roaming over one another, before heading out the door.
We held hands as we walked, or were always touching once another in some capacity, getting awkward glances and even sometimes applause for our little love gestures or random make out sessions. I kept my eyes and mind glued on Joanne at all times, basking in the warm, fuzzy feeling that I got from being near her, protected in her embrace.
When we finally got to the small diner that we had in mind, we sat at a booth in the corner, which allowed for maximum closeness as we could just slide up next to one another. We sat, legs entwined kissing, when an awkward looking young gentleman came to take our order. We looked up at him and giggled, Joanne fixing my hopelessly smudged red lipstick, which was my signature look, or at least used to be. My promiscuous and overall just physically affectionate behavior had been my trademark in my early twenties, and as I got older, the same behaviors maintained, only it was a very rare occasion that I did anything with a random stranger. Usually I reserved myself only for Joanne, and the only person I had cheated on her with in the past decade or so had been Mark. Which didn't really make it any better, but at least I knew and loved him. But I needed to stop finding excuses for my mistakes. At least Marcie had come out of one of my bigger mistakes. Joanne ordered French toast for both of us, and I didn't object, I merely prayed that I would be able to keep it down. I hadn't completely gotten over my eating difficulties, and my stomach was very temperamental. Half of the time I would be completely fine, the other half of the time I puked like there was no tomorrow. Joanne seemed to sense my body tensing up, so she whispered softly in my ear,
"Honeybear, it's okay if you can't. I won't be mad at you. I just want to help you out." I almost started to cry. What the hell is wrong with you, Maureen? What the fuck? You need to eat. My ability to keep down food had gotten progressively worse…it was like my morning sickness had never ended, only now the thought of eating often times repulsed me to the point of nausea.
"I'll try…I promise…" I bit my lip and looked up at the ceiling, trying to hold back my tears. She rubbed my back, instinctively knowing what I needed from her, how much her reassurance and physical comforting meant to me. I dropped my head onto her shoulder. When the waiter returned with our food, her smiled at us and took a picture with a Polaroid camera and gave it to us. When I asked why he took it, he said that we were perfectly in love, and that it deserved to be documented and preserved. I smiled at him, and told him that I admired what he was doing. He looked embarrassed and thanked me very politely. I turned and kissed Joanne lightly before addressing the syrupy mess on the plate before me. I stared at it, my stomach, which at been churning from the mere thought of food was now violently disagreeing with the sight and smell of it. I smiled at Joanne and excused myself to the restroom, where I barely made it to the toilet before expelling its contents. Ugh! I thought that the only reason for this was that I was pregnant. I mean, I was never able to eat when I was nervous…I became projectile at times like that…As I thought back, I remembered more and more what a struggle food had always been. It was surprising that I hadn't ever realized before what I problem I had had. It seemed I had gone from overeating to under-eating to now not even being able to eat. I must really have a problem…I walked over to the sink, having thought ahead and kept a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse for just such and occasion. I brushed my teeth thoroughly before returning to Joanne.
"Honeybear, are you okay?" I nodded, trying to shake my paralyzing fear of starving myself because of not being able to eat, smiling at her. Feeling like I failure, but not willing to accept defeat, I determinedly forced down a forkful of the disgustingly sweet breakfast down my throat, willing my stomach not to expel it, feeling it threatening to come up, embarrassed. I closed my eyes, pulled my knees up and rested my forehead on it, my breath labored, almost in tears. Eventually I managed to force it down, having broken into a sweat and forced bile down numerous times. Joanne took a napkin and wiped my forehead, then hugged me and rubbed my back, whispering in my ear, "Maureen, I'm proud of you. You're trying so hard. I'm so proud of you. No matter what happens." Still afraid that my food would make a comeback, I merely nodded, not wanting to have to open my mouth, lest it come pouring out. The waiter returned, and embarrassed by my inability to eat more than a forkful, I couldn't force myself to look at him. Joanne was still holding me, and tears threatened to spill over. How can I possibly be so inadequate? How does that happen? Even now, when I know that she's here for me, that she loves me, I still feel a failure. Joanne paid the bill and left a generous tip on the table as I tried shake the unpleasant thoughts from my head. She put her arm around my shoulders once we were out of the diner, and rubbed my arm. "I really am proud of you." I stopped, and she looked into my eyes. "What's wrong?"
"I just…don't understand how you could possibly be proud of me. I don't understand how you can see me and think 'wow, that's the woman I love and cherish.' I just don't get it. What's so great about me?" She put a hand on each of my shoulders and spoke thoughtfully, but forcefully.
"Well, you are the most caring and passionate person that I have ever met. And you are gorgeous, smart, witty, brave…and you give everything at least a hundred and ten percent. You're also strong…you've been through more than anyone should have to go through. Honestly, I don't think that I'm worthy of you."
"But I've been unfaithful so many times, and I have so many problems! Who could possibly want that?"
"Okay, so you've made some mistakes, and you're going through a really tough time. Maybe we deserve each other."
"I couldn't possibly deserve you. You're too good."
"Maureen, stop this. I'm not better than you are." I sighed, realizing that I would never win this argument, that neither one of us could as we were both biased towards the other. She wrapped her arm around my shoulders again, and I wrapped my arm around her waist, resting my head against her shoulder. It felt right again. Maybe I just have to stop thinking so much…
We spent the rest of the day without really discussing anything of importance. We walked around the park, and I sang and danced with her to the music of street musicians. It was an incredibly warm and sunny day for October, the complete opposite of the day when I had fallen asleep on Collins' grave. Eventually we ended up at the graveyard, as per my request. We sat there, looking at Collins and Angel's tombstones.
"Pookie?"
"Yeah?"
"Do you think they can see us?"
"I don't know. I like to think so."
"Do you think they'd be proud of me, too?"
"I know they are, baby. I know they are." I snuggled into her arms, feeling comforted.
"Do you think they're together? Having a blast?" I was sitting in her lap, and she bent her head over to the side as I looked back at her.
"Yes. I think they are."
"I want to be like that…with you forever."
"Me too." We looked deep into one another's eyes, and kissed with passion, urgency, love and complete trust, knowingly, feeling completely in sync with each other. It was one of the most beautiful moments that we shared that day.
Eventually, around seven, we found ourselves at the loft, ready to pick Marcie up and take her home. As I climbed the stairs to the loft, something felt of, though I tried to shake the nervous feeling that I had. What could possibly be wrong? It's only Mark…As we got closer, I heard a bunch of screaming and Marcie crying from within the loft, but then heard it suddenly cease, which did nothing to calm my growing sense of panic. I slid the door open, cautiously, clutching Joanne's hand desperately. I saw Mark, holding my baby, who was red-faced and unable to cry, it seemed, though she was trying to. He was holding her upside down on his thigh, and was positioned to strike her back, but every time his hand got close enough, he backed out. Roger stood behind him, screaming at him.
"Mark, if you don't do this she could die! Let me do it! Come on, Mark, this isn't getting anywhere." They hadn't seemed to notice my presence, so I declared it.
"What the Hell is going on here?" Mark looked suddenly very scared, and seemed to forget that he was holding Marcie, so Roger swooped in and took over. He hit her squarely between the shoulder blades five times, liberating a foreign object, which looked to be a button, from Marcie's throat. She was crying again, which, while annoying, was quite a relief. Roger rocked the child, humming until she was quieted. He suddenly became aware that all eyes were on him. I ran up to him and hugged him, awkwardly and gently, so as not to squish or disturb my child. "Thank you so much, Roger. I'm so glad you were here."
"Yeah, Mark never reacted well to emergencies…" Roger interjected. Mark rubbed his neck, obviously uncomfortable.
"Mark…it's okay. Your sweet and delicate nature is endearing, and you know how much I love that about you…but it is okay to hit the child if she's choking." He shrugged, mumbling something unintelligible, going to gather up the rest of her things. I took the child from Roger and asked how the rest of they day had been.
"It was great. I really liked getting to spend time with her. Mimi saw her, and I think that the idea is starting to grow on her…" Roger nodded in agreement.
"She just needs some time, Mo. I'm really sorry about everything she said to you…"
"It wasn't your fault, Rog." Mark continued.
"She was no trouble at all, except for…that button incident. I think maybe we should do a little baby-proofing." Roger laughed.
"I don't think this place will ever be safe for a baby." I nodded in agreement and Joanne chuckled as she moved toward me, snaking an arm around my waist and resting her chin on my shoulder. Roger's eyes sparkled as he looked at us and inquired, "How was your day?", raising his eyebrows suggestively.
"It was incredible," I said, laughing, before turning to kiss Joanne lightly on the lips. Mark looked a little grossed out, clearly having a mental image of Joanne and I together, having sex. His facial expression made me laugh even harder. Roger rolled his eyes, clearly choosing not to address Mark's behavior, and Joanne, similarly ignoring Mark, merely added on.
"I am so proud of her…she's really trying to turn things around." I felt a deep flush come over my lower neck, which caused Roger raise an eyebrow suspiciously.
"Maureen Johnson, blushing?"
"I'm not used to praise. Being called a slut I'm used to." There was an awkward silence just then, and Mimi walked through the door in the midst of it. We all stared at each other, reveling in the strange coincidence, not knowing what to expect Mimi to do or say. She came up to me, kissed Marcie, and looked at me apologetically.
"Maureen…I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said those things…I didn't mean them."
"I know. It must have been so hard for you…I'll be the first to admit that I'm an unfit mother…"
"No, don't say that about yourself. You really aren't. You're passionate about everything, and this baby is not different. You have so much shit going on right now, that's all. We all do. It's understandable. I really am happy for you." I sighed, wondering what I could say to her, not knowing what was appropriate.
"You know, Mimi…I really want you and Roger to be a part of her life. That's really important to me. I want her to spend time with you…you deserve to have a child to help raise. And this family…we're so close. I want that to be reflected in how she is brought up." She nodded, and I handed Marcie off to Joanne, so that I could hug Mimi. It was one of the most heart-felt embraces that I've been lucky enough to experience. It had surprised me how easily she had been able to forgive me, but it had been very out of character for her to snap at me as she had. I was glad that we were okay again, since Mimi was one of my best friends. Overall, today was a pretty good day…I wonder what tomorrow will bring…