"Two weeks Luke. It's been two weeks now since I saw your brown eyes and I miss them. I just want you to open them for me, let me look into them and drown. And if you can't do that for me, could you at least squeeze my hand and let me know that you are there...that you can hear me. James said you needed your rest, and I agree but honestly, Luke I'm lost without you. It's not just a line, and I sense that it's always been the case. I need you. I need you to tell me what to do and what to say about things that I don't understand. I want you to explain things to me and I just want you here."
He frowned and bowed his head against Luke's limp hand. James had stepped out of the room for a moment, but Noah knew he would be back. Ever since the surgery, he and James often sat in Luke's room together. Noah knew that his friend was just as concerned about him as he was about Luke. And he rather liked having someone watching over him. Especially since Luke couldn't.
The good news was that Luke's body wasn't rejecting the kidney. The transplant had indeed been a success and now Luke just needed a reason to open his eyes. Noah hoped and prayed that he could be enough of a reason for Luke to return. The bad news, however was that Dr. Hughes thought Luke should have woken up by now. He was concerned that there was no sign that he would wake u p any time soon. There had been talk about doing some kind of brain test on Luke, to see what was going on but Noah didn't know if it was necessary. Luke wasn't brain dead or anything like that…he was exhausted and stressed. Once he was rested enough he would come back.
Noah had to believe that.
"I've been trying to work on my memory exercises when I'm not here," Noah started as Maddie entered the room. She remained at the door, not wanting to disturb Noah as he spoke. "I'm trying to remember as much as I can, Luke. I remember small things, but nothing big. I'm starting to recall things from what I call my life before you. Though I guess I should call that my life before you part 1." He smiled as he imagined Luke's reaction to that statement. Even Maddie had a soft smile on her face and she came further into the room. The scraping of a chair alerted Noah to her presence and he looked up to meet her eyes as she sat down.
"Don't let me stop you," she said softly. "Tell us both about your life before Luke part one."
He kept his eyes on Maddie for a long moment, marveling at how dark they were…so brown just like Luke's but so different at the same time. He missed Luke's eyes. A soft smile crossed his lips and he turned his attention back to his husband. "Maddie's here," He explained. "She wants to hear the story too…even if it has a few holes. IT's not anything really good either, I guess. So I'm not sure if the memories are real or some manifest of the feelings I have right now. And I know that probably doesn't make any sense…but they're about my father. And he's not very nice in them."
Maddie wanted to ask him what he meant by that, but at the same time she didn't want to intrude. She wanted to talk to her best friend as well…but wasn't sure how to do that either. She wished there was something she could do to help Noah…to help them all. Thinking about it made her frown. All of them were lost without Luke. If only she could tell him that somehow.
"I don't think my father was ever a nice man, Luke," Noah's voice drew her attention again. "I…I remembered one time when I was hiding, not sure where I was but I was young and there was water around. My father was calling my name really loud and he was angry. I don't know why this memory was so vivid Luke…and I really don't understand…and honestly I don't know if I want to. I'm starting to think I'm better off not knowing what my father was like. Do you think so? I wish you could give me the answers, or tell me what to do." He sighed and felt a hand on his shoulder.
He turned to see Maddie standing at his side. James had entered the room at some point, and he now occupied the other chair. "Will you guys help me," He asked as he looked between the two of them.
"We can try, Noah," Maddie said, her tone soft for her friend. "What do you want to know?"
Noah shook his head. He really didn't know the answers. He was lost, and he knew he probably should talk to his father about it. The thing was he didn't want to do that. He had banished the man from his life, and that was the way he wanted it to stay. Especially after the stunt he pulled in the courtroom.
"I want to know everything," He admitted finally. "It's too much to ask, and I know that right now, but it's frustrating you know? And I know that everyone has something to say to Luke…and I should stop hogging him."
"Noah, you don't have to feel bad about sitting with your husband. You are the one who deserves to be here," James pointed out. "And I know this is difficult and you are getting a lot of memories at once. If there is anything I can do to help just ask and I'm here for you. You know that."
"I know." He smiled at James and then looked up at Maddie before once more turning to Luke. "We have some really good friends, Luke. And I think they want a chance to talk to you…so I'm going to let them. I'll be back though. Don't fret too much; I'm only going to check on your dad and your grandma, and your mother too just in case. I know you are upset with her…and so am I, but James is right. Until you wake up she has a reprieve. I love you Luke."
"I love you," Maddie said as she sat in Noah's vacated seat. "I don't think I told you that often enough, but it's true…and if there was any time that I needed my best friend it's now. Henry and Vienna send their love. Vienna said to tell you there is a plate of gravlax with your name on it when you get out of here." She smiled and shook her head. She could just picture her friend wrinkling his nose and dumping the dish into a napkin when Vienna's back was turned. "I just know you'd praise her for it," she said grinning, "even while you try to dispose of the food by feeding it to Vienna's puppy." She giggled, remembering the last time Pepper decided to steal a customer's meal.
"Seriously, Luke I miss our conversations over Peppermint tea. And I could really use one of those right about now. James and I don't seem to be heading in the right direction anymore. I feel like I've really screwed up, and the one person who usually sets me straight can't. They say, Luke, that when the center is damaged…the glue corrupted everything else falls apart, and that is what has happened here. We're like puzzles pieces that don't know how to fit together, so instead we drift into space…just floating through darkness, waiting for the day we can become whole again."
"Hello darling, it's your grandmother again. I wanted you to know how awful I think it is. Just awful that you are lying here like this. This was not part of our agreement, Luke and I demand you wake up this instant. Your grandmother…she needs you. I'm an old woman, darling, and this Cancer has been kicking me pretty good…but I'm a survivor and so are you. And don't think I don't know what you're doing. You're hiding in there, and I don't want you to do that. No one wants you to do that, darling. I don't' want you to do that at all. You need to wake up, post haste and face your problems head on. Isn't that what I always taught you?"
Lucinda placed a hand on top of her grandson's limp one and gave it a squeeze. "I love you, my precious Grandson. More then you even realize, and I…I need you."
"I need you son. I don't think that's an easy thing for any parent to admit…but it's the truth. You know for all y our talk of me being your rock, I think a lot of times you are mine too. Faith and Natalie say hello. They miss you, just as much as I do. And little Ethan, he misses you too. Your big brother comes by every day. He comes in here and he cracks jokes. Do you remember when he would try to be funny, and you'd just look at him with that…that expression you get." Holden smiled nostalgically. "I'm not sure where you get it from, but your eyes would do this thing when you furrowed them and your facial expression was a mixture between wrinkling your nose, and shock. Five beats later, you'd burst out laughing and rebound with a snarky retort that would just leave him clueless. Aaron would retaliate by messing in your hair."
Holden shook his head and reached for his son's hand. He hated this…seeing him so still. He wished there was more he could do for him, but really he was doing all he could do. Talking helped. He liked to think that Luke could hear everything he said; just as he was certain Noah had heard.
"I am so proud of you, Luke. You have to be one of the bravest people I know, and I'm so glad that you call me Dad. Don't tell anyone this, but you are my favorite. You know I'm close to all my kids, from Abby and Aaron, all the way down to little Ethan. But there has always been something special about my relationship with you, and I'm not ready to lose it. I hope you're not either. I know you've been hurt a lot in the past few months. And I wish there was more I could have done to protect you. I regret not being there for you, but I promise you that I am here from on. No matter what's going on with me, I'm always going to be a dad you can count on. And don't worry; I'm doing my best to keep watch over Noah, and James. Maddie too…your friends and your husband mean a great deal to me, and so do you." There were tears in Holden's eyes, and for once he didn't move to wipe them away. He was a very private man…but this wasn't just anyone he was grieving for. It was his son…It was Luke.
"None of us want to face a life without you in it, Luke. We love you…I love you and I believe in you. Trust in that, and find your way back to us."
The room was silent when she entered and took her seat by his bedside. She clutched at her purse, sitting it on her lap as she looked at the pale face of her son. It immediately brought tears to her face as she realized the depth of the damage she had wrought. Noah was right…they all were.
"I'm probably the last person you want to hear from right now," she started, tears already running down her cheeks. "But I had to come, baby. I need to apologize to you, and I want to ask for your forgiveness. You have to understand, honey why I did what I did. I really didn't have any choice."
James arrived at the room just in time to hear Luke's machines bleep erratically. "Ms. Walsh, he said as he entered, "What are you doing in here?"
"I was just talking to him, he is my son," Lily said defensively over the screaming monitors."
"Get out of here," James said reaching for the button to contact the nurse. "You're upsetting him, can't you see that."
"But I was just talking. Baby its okay, Momma's here sweetie."
James frowned as the machines seemed to get even louder as Lily spoke. "Ms. Walsh you have to go…now. Now, Ms. Walsh," he yelled when she refused to leave the room.
"Luke, please calm down. I will get Noah for you, but you have to calm down. It's James, and he'll never forgive me if you die on my watch." He watched Lily leave out of the corner of his eye, but his full attention was on his brother. "She's gone, Luke….it's just me, and if you'd calm down, I want to tell you how much I miss you."
The bond formed by shared experience and cultivated with love, was working overtime as James stroked Luke's hand and continued to talk to him softly. Alison ran in but stopped short of Luke's bed as she watched the scene unfold before her. She turned when she heard footsteps behind her, and turned to see Noah standing just behind her. He was watching too, and his worried face quickly softened as the machines went back to normal.
"I'm going to check him out," she said startling James. He nodded and moved aside to allow Ali access. Noah placed a hand on James shoulder and the unspoken question passed between them.
"His mother was here," James replied sadly. "I don't know what she said…but he didn't like it."
"He's fine," Ali said interrupting them before they could continue their conversation. "I'm not sure what excited him…but he's fine. I think he may be on his way back to us. Keep talking to him. It seems to be working."
He found her pretty easily. She was sitting in the waiting area holding a cup of coffee. Her lover, Dusty was sitting beside her, he stood as Noah approached. "Can I talk to you?"
"She doesn't have anything to say to you," Dusty said standing in front of Lily.
Noah sighed and easily moved Dusty out of his way so that he was looking at his mother in law. "It's important; I need to talk to you about Luke."
"I don't need another lecture from you, Noah."
"No lectures, Ma'am," he said holding out his hand. "I just want to talk."
"Alright," Lily said taking Noah's hand and allowing him to pull her up. Dusty was not pleased, but one look from Lily kept him in his place. He folded his arms across his chest and scowled as Lily and walked away with Noah.
"I know you're worried about Luke," Noah said once they were alone. I know despite everything that you do care about him…and I wanted you to realize that I'm aware of that."
"Thank you, Noah. I do appreciate that."
Noah frowned, this was a difficult thing he was about to do, but for Luke's well being this needed to be said. "I'm afraid I need to ask something of you, Lily…you may not like it but it's for Luke's own good."
"I'll do anything for my son, Noah. I know I haven't proven that lately…but whatever he needs just tell me."
"I need you not to visit him," Noah's voice was as gentle as it could be in uttering this request. He didn't want to hurt this woman…it wasn't his intention this time. "I'm not sure why, but Luke's reaction to you wasn't pleasant, and that is what I need to think about right now. I know you love him…right now the only way for you to show that is to not see him."
"Oh," Lily said trying not to show how much that hurt. "I see."
"Please understand that I'm not trying to hurt you," Noah said placing his hands on her shoulders. "We have exchanged some harsh words over the past two weeks, I know, and I apologize, humbly for all of them. This is not about you though…it's about Luke. We have to help him, and that means him not being upset or agitated. I know you want to work out your relationship with him, and I admire that. I think both James and I would kill to have that chance with our mothers, but we never will. But if you want to have that chance with Luke he has to wake up first…and right now your presence isn't helping that."
Lily had tears in her eyes. She did understand; it didn't make the pain any less. "I have made a lot of mistakes, Noah," she said her voice thick with emotion. "And I honestly don't know if my son will forgive me for them…but I thank you so much for caring about him enough." She slipped into his arms, and Noah wrapped her into a comforting hug. HE held on to her for a long moment, and his heart broke. He knew he was doing the right thing…but he the sound of Lily's sobs, were likely to haunt him for a very long time.
"You know, two weeks is a very long time," James commented, breaking the silence in the room. He had been sitting by Luke's side ever since Noah went to talk to Lily. He had been thinking about what he wanted to say, but nothing really sounded right. He didn't want to repeat the same things. "I know you're healing, Luke, and I know you can hear us. Just as I am well aware that you know Noah was here. And you know that he's not here at the moment, but he'll be back. I have no doubt that you are trying to come back to us…I just wish there was something I could do to speed along the process. I need you just as much as you need me, Luke. How many of us have said that to you today?" He smiled and gave his friend's hand a squeeze.
"You are loved, a lot, Luke Snyder. Everyone has been milling around this hospital, and it's like life has stopped. I know Maddie doesn't go anywhere unless Alison makes her go. Mr. Snyder leaves long enough to get a change of clothes and we all take showers here. None of us want to be that far away from you. Noah and I especially. You have to come back for him, Luke. He's lost without you…we all are."
"I told you, I would be back," Noah said finally reclaiming his seat. James sat on the other side of Luke and leaned on the guardrail as Noah spoke. "I'm where I want to be Luke, and the only thing that would make me happier is if you opened those beautiful eyes. I had to make a hard decision today, but I did it for you own good. I told your mom to stay away…I told her that when you woke up, you would decide the status of your relationship with her…but in the mean time if she cared about you at all she would abide by my wishes. And I think she does care Luke, but don't worry. I'm on your side no matter what you choose to do. You have to come back though," he said as he looked over at James who was watching him.
He locked eyes with his brother for a long moment and smiled. "James needs you, and so do I. We love you, Luke, so much and I can't stand another day without you. I have a strange feeling that I am not usually this…sappy but I don't care. You are my perfection, and god help me I want you back."
Two weeks was a very long time, but it was time well spent healing his broken body. He was floating, just out of reach, but he could hear every word that was spoken to him. He knew when his dad was afoot, and his grandma. He was angry when he heard his mother, the hurt and the despair were just too much and it caused him to freak out. Maddie's voice soothed and James was like his anchor…but the best voice, the one that counted most was Noah. His strong, dependable husband…that was who he wanted to get back to…who he needed to see…wanted to see. The pain he heard in that voice made him sad and the love…he could feel the love as it embraced him and kept him warm. He wanted more of that…he needed it…he craved it.
IT was nice being separated from all the pain…but it was time, past time for him to return. They needed him…each and every one of them. And he wanted them…most of them. He had a promise to keep to his grandma; he was determined to survive for her, and for himself. He missed his dad, the man he had looked up to since he was small. He cherished their relationship…he wanted that back.
He could feel himself falling back down into the reality of his life. It was a freefall…a welcome one. He wondered if this was what it felt like inside, when one hit rock bottom. Did they fall fast and hit the ground with a bang…or was it slow and leisurely, dragging out until one was completely numb and could barely feel a thing when they hit? Did it make any sense? His thoughts were a haze…but he knew he was ready.
Maddie had been right about the darkness…the inky black could be terrifying sometimes, but for him it was comforting. It meant he was headed in the right direction. He was falling…coming back to life. He could see the clouds down below, soft fluffy clouds; a blanket to cushion the return…the return to pain…to suffering…reality. It was a return to love. James was there, his steadfast brother…his friend who was so much more than that. What would he do without James? And Noah, his Noah...he was falling…for him, only him.
"Noah."
He heard the voice, but didn't immediately register the voice. His eye lids fluttered open as a hand touched his shoulder and he jumped. "Luke, is that you? You're awake?"
"I think so," he said as he blinked. It was too bright in the room, and he wished someone would turn down the lights. "Are…you okay?"
"Am I okay?" Noah repeated, as he got up to sit on Luke's bed. His husband moved over slightly to make room for him and he leaned down, trying not to upset the IV and tubes that were attached to Luke as he kissed his lips. "I should be asking you that. I've missed you so much and I have worried about you like crazy Luke. When I saw you on that table and you weren't moving, I was so scared and I was afraid, so afraid…"
Luke's hand touched his check to stop his flow of words. "I…I" he stopped and cleared his throat. He knew he probably shouldn't be talking but he needed to get this out. "I didn't mean to scare you. I'm sorry."
"You don't have anything to be sorry about. How are you feeling, are you okay? Do you hurt anywhere? Do you need something to drink? I'm going to get you some water."
"NO," Luke's hoarse voice sounded stern as he held on to Noah's arm. "Don't leave me please…just stay, stay with me."
"You're not alone you know," Noah said even as he settled back onto the bed. "James is here too."
Luke looked over at James who had rested his head near Luke's leg. "Has he been here the whole time?"
"Pretty much," Noah replied. "Neither of us has left your side unless we had no choice. There's so much I need to tell you Luke. I just don't know if you can handle it now."
Luke frowned. "What happened? How long have I been out?"
"You collapsed in court, Luke...two weeks ago."
"What?" Luke said his eyes widening as he tried to move. He winced and Noah held him down.
"Don't move. You're still recovering from the surgery."
"Surgery?" Luke said his frown deepening. "Noah what's going on?"
Noah opened his mouth to speak, but realized he didn't have the words. He wasn't prepared for this. How in the world did he explain all of this to Luke?
"Noah," Luke asked again. "What's going on? Why do you look so pale?"
"James," Noah said reaching over to push James' shoulder. "James, wake up please."
James opened his eyes and looked at Noah. "What?"
"That's what I want to know," Luke said turning his attention to his green-eyed friend.
"You're definitely a sight for sore eyes," James said sitting up, but I take it this is not the time for a reunion?"
Luke shook his head. "Though I am glad to see you…but Noah just told me I've been unconscious for two weeks and I had surgery. What is he talking about James? And what happened with the trial if I have been out so long? Was it postponed? Do I have to go back to court?"
Both Noah and James could tell that prospect didn't really appeal to Luke. James shook his head. "No, Luke…so many questions, but let me ease your fears first. The trial is over."
"Okay," Luke said trying to calm his breathing. "That's good, the trial's over. And?"
"He was found guilty,"
"Oh thank god they believed me," Luke said resting his head against his pillow. "But what about this surgery? I don't understand. The last thing I remember is my mom saying something about me cheating on Noah, and I freaked and then I fell. I didn't fall hard enough to need surgery did I? Is there something wrong with me, James?"
"Luke, you need to relax," James said his voice gentle as it always was for Luke. "I know there is a lot you don't understand right now, and I promise I will explain it all. But Noah and I don't want you to get sick again…okay. Can you do that for me?"
"You're starting to scare me, James. What's going on?"
"It was your kidney," James said reluctantly.
"My kidney?" Luke frowned. "Did I have another infection?"
"Yes," James admitted. "And it was pretty bad this time. Your kidney failed, you needed a transplant. Noah had to make the decision quickly…and it was the only way to save your life. And after the surgery we've been sitting here waiting for you to wake up."
Luke was…he wasn't really sure what he was feeling actually. Stunned, blown away, and shocked. Those words about covered it. It just didn't seem real, but James wouldn't make something like that up. And then there was Noah who looked so pale and sad, he wanted to reach out and hug him. He felt bad for his husband, having to make such a decision. He knew that couldn't have been easy for him.
"Luke…say something please," his husband's voice drew him out of his thoughts and he focused on worried blue eyes. "I'm sorry if we upset you…we're not trying to."
"You haven't upset me, Noah. Don't think that…I'm just; I don't know what to think about all this. I…I mean I am grateful that you were there to make the decision and that there was a donor available to give me a kidney it's just, I didn't realize things were that bad. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I put you through so much."
"Luke, there isn't anything I wouldn't do for you," Noah insisted. "You don't need to apologize to me. You are so important to me."
A faint smile crossed Luke's lips, and he reached u p a hand to touch Noah's cheek. "I thank you for that. How were they able to find a donor so fast? The last time there were no matches and my parents were so worried."
"Uh, we were able to find a match pretty quickly," James said looking at Noah. Luke caught the look between the two men and focused on his husband as well.
"What does he mean by that Noah? Who was the donor…or do I even need to ask."
Noah ducked his head away from the intensity of having both James and Luke staring at him. "It…it was me," he said almost shyly. "I was a match and I wanted to do it." He forced himself to turn around, facing his husband once more. "I'd do anything to save your life, Luke. Even risk my own. You aren't mad at me are you?"
Luke blinked a couple of times and opened his mouth to speak but the words were stuck in his throat. He hadn't been expecting that response. With James' statement he had thought the donor was him, but the alternative seemed even sweeter and so selfless. It was overwhelming, he couldn't believe someone…that Noah had made such a sacrifice for him, and was now sitting there asking if he was angry about it. IT brought tears to his eyes.
"You are mad," Noah said frowning as his head lowered.
"No," Luke said through his tears. He cupped Noah's face in his hands and lifted it so that his husband was looking him in the eyes. "Not mad, Noah, just…overwhelmed, and shocked, and so in love with you right now that I can't even put it into words.
It had to be one of the sweetest scenes James had ever bore witness to. Luke wiped the moisture away from Noah's eyes, and Noah's hands reached up to clean away Luke's tears as well. Luke professed his love again, and Noah did the same before bringing their lips together for a gentle kiss. He felt ashamed for watching such an intimate moment but he couldn't take his eyes away. It did his heart good to see them like this, his brothers…awake, healthy and so much in love.
"Did you just take a picture of us?" Luke asked, blinking from the flash that just blinded him.
"Yep," James said showing them the picture on his phone. "I couldn't resist, I had to capture that moment. I'll have to get it uploaded on my laptop, and perhaps use it for Christmas cards this year."
"You will not," Luke laughed. "I don't know how many people would appreciate that picture. And besides it's too early to think about Christmas…it's just April right?"
"Almost May," James nodded. "Which means it's almost time for my birthday."
"Mine too," Luke said biting his lip. "I'm kinda glad I didn't miss it."
"So are we," Noah agreed.
"I thought I heard voices in here," Maddie said coming into the room. The squeal that left her mouth could be heard on the west coast, Luke was sure. He laughed as she came over and Noah quickly moved to give her access to her best friend. "Oh My god, you're awake," she said trying not to hug him too tightly.
"That seems to be the consensus," Luke said hugging her back. "How have you been?" he asked when she pulled away.
"James and I are going to go let the doctor know you're awake, Luke," Noah spoke up, even as he and James stood to leave. "We'll talk to you both later."
"By Maddie," James said as he followed Noah out the room.
Maddie sighed as she watched them go and then turned her attention back to Luke. "You really are a sight for sore eyes," she said beaming from ear to ear.
"I've been hearing that a lot today, but don't think I'm going to allow you to avoid my question. How are you?"
"It amazes me, Luke Snyder that you are the one in this hospital bed, yet you are asking about me. Do you ever think about yourself?"
"Maddie…stop stalling."
"Honestly, Luke I don't know what to do about James," she confessed, lowering her head as if her fingers had suddenly become fascinating. "I know you told me I needed to be patient…but I don't know; I feel like I screwed up everything and I don't know how to fix it."
"There's nothing you can do about that Maddie, besides trust that he still loves you," Luke advised. "I can just about guarantee that he does, but a month is not enough time to get over that kind of hurt. Just let James know that you are there for him in any way that he may need you."
"I've been doing that," Maddie admitted. "You should have seen him during the surgery. He yelled at your mother. Actually I think he yelled at everybody."
"James yelled?" Luke asked shocked at that proclamation. "James? Our James?"
Maddie laughed. "I wouldn't have believed it myself except I saw it with my own two eyes. Your family was arguing and James just stood up and told them to stop if they cared about you and Noah at all. He loves you guys."
"And he loves you too," Luke assured her. And so do I."
"Oh, Luke," she said giving him another hug. She buried her head in his shoulder and allowed her tears to fall. Luke rested his chin in her hair and listened to her weep. He was certain that James would sweep her off her feet once more; he just hoped that for both of their sakes, she wouldn't let fear stand in their way of happiness.
"Well it's good to see you in such good cheer," Dr. Hughes said upon entering the room. Luke was trying hard not to laugh at the indignant look on Maddie's face.
"Hi Bob," he said succumbing to laugher as Maddie punched his arm. "Ow," he said holding his stomach. "Will you stop making me laugh please?"
"Alright, I'll stop for now," she said poking him in the arm before getting up to leave. "Where are James and Noah?" she asked Dr. Hughes. "They said they were going to get you.
"I believe James was called to his dad's office and Noah is in the waiting room with Holden."
"I better go join them. See you later Luke."
"Bye," Luke called after her. Bob came over to the bed to begin his examination ad Luke watched him carefully.
"Bob can I ask you a question?"
"Certainly, Luke."
"No one talked Noah into giving me his kidney, did they?"
"Would it matter if they did?" Bob asked curiously.
"No, not really. I just, I just want to know."
Bob smiled and placed a hand on his patient's shoulder. "It was his idea, Luke. As soon as he realized there was a chance you would need a new kidney, he wanted to be tested. I think if anything, people were trying to talk him out of it. Making sure he was aware of the risks and everything."
"Thanks, Bob," Luke's tone was sincere as he allowed Bob to do his examination. "You and Tom have both helped me out so much…and Margo too. I owe a lot to your family and just…thank you."
"You don't have to thank me, Luke. And I am sure Margo and Tom will agree. It was our pleasure. You know you and your family mean a great deal to us. Now I'm going to get a nurse in here to change your bag, and you should be all set. I'm glad you are awake, now we can really make sure you don't reject that kidney. You'll have to spend one more week in the hospital, but then you're good to go."
"Okay, sir. Any more instructions."
"I'll make sure you and Noah both have all the instructions you need. But for the most part I just want you to take care of each other. I don't want to see either of you come through the emergency room again anytime soon. Is that clear?"
"Yes sir."
Luke dozed off soon after the nurse checked him out. He was exhausted, and as much as he wanted to get up and move around he just couldn't at the moment. His grandmother was sitting by his side when he opened his eyes sometime later. She was smiling at him, and he offered her a smile in return, reaching out his hand for hers which she gladly gave him.
"Grandma," he whispered. "It's so good to see you."
"IT is so good to see you, dear boy. You gave us quite a scare."
"I'm sorry."
"Hush now," Lucinda reprimanded. IF anyone needs to say sorry it's definitely not you darling. You and your young man are very brave to go through what you went through. Very brave indeed and I am proud to call you both my grandsons."
"I'm so glad you adopted Noah into your heart. That means a lot to me."
"Noah is a precious boy, but I am sure you already know that." Luke nodded his acknowledgement. "And I am also glad that you embraced love. I noticed how happy you two were up until that crazy trial."
"I haven't slept on the couch since his birthday," Luke said smiling. "I really do listen to you, Grandma"
"Oh I know you do," Lucinda squeezed her grandson's hand. "You listen to me more than your mother does."
"How is she?" Luke asked frowning. "Noah said that James yelled at her."
"He did," Lucinda nodded. Honey how do you feel about her? I know she wounded you deeply and it's not the first time, and I bargain it won't be the last…but she is your mother."
"I know," Luke's frown deepened. "I don't know if I can do it anymore Grandma. I don't know if I can give her another chance, when all I will be doing is waiting for that shoe to drop again. I mean I ended up here the last time…I don't want to think about what could happen…" he let the thought trail off and closed his eyes. HE really didn't want to think about this right now.
"You can feel free to change the subject, Darling." Lucinda offered.
"How are you doing?" Luke asked, grateful for the reprieve.
"Much better now that you are talking to me, Darling. Much better."
"I heard a rumor that you were awake."
"Hey," Luke said a broad smile crossing his lips as his father peeked into the room before coming all the way in. How's the best dad in the world doing?"
Holden reached the bed and pulled his son into a hug before taking a seat in the chair, smiling all the while. "I think the real question is how are you? You may be able to sway the conversation with everyone else, but it won't work with me."
"I should have figured that," Luke said thoughtfully. "I feel good, dad. Honestly, I feel a lot better than I have in a very long time. I guess I owe that to Noah."
"That's quite a husband you have there," Holden praised. "He was determined that you were going to be okay. I think your stubbornness has rubbed off on him."
Luke's laugh was rich and full, and Holden smiled. He had missed that sound. "Believe me dad; Noah comes by his stubbornness honestly. I don't think I have anything to do with that. I love him though. He always was protective of me and I think that just tripled since February. He doesn't remember everything but somehow he remembers that."
"That is a testament to how strong your bond is," Holden mused. "I have no problem seeing how lost one of you would be without the other."
"How very perceptive of you, Dad." Luke kidded. "Anything else you want to tell me."
"Are we talking specific advice or anything in general?"
"I don't know," Luke shook his head. "I guess I wish someone would tell me what to do, because I really have no clue. I feel like my life has just been crazy for so long. And I've been running on empty, and that needs to stop. James told me before to stop doing things on my own…and I tried, Dad I really did. It's just I don't like burdening people with things that I think I should handle myself. Like with Noah, I mean that's my responsibility and I feel like I need to handle it."
"Well Noah isn't a responsibility son, he's your husband…your equal and that means there needs to be some give and take. Let him take care of you while you take care of him. It gives him something to do as well, and makes him feel needed. He's already trying to figure out how to take care of you when you guys go home."
"That doesn't surprise me," Luke smiled. "I guess you're right though, we do need to take care of each other."
"And you need to figure out how you feel about your mother."
"How did you know I was thinking about that?"
"I'm your father, I know these things."
Luke sighed. "I don't suppose you know what I should do though, right?"
"Can't help you with that one son," Holden said sadly. "I can tell you that I cherish my relationship with your Grandma Emma. I don't think I could imagine not having her in my life."
"But Grandma Emma never left," Luke pointed out; his tone was soft as he looked his father straight in the eye. The Crux of it…the complete and honest truth was that he was too used to his mom leaving. He was used to her going astray and then returning. She would get their hopes up with promises of reunions and time. She always promised time, to be there for them when they needed her. Luke always accepted those promises, and she broke them it hurt just a little bit more each time. And now he wasn't a little kid anymore, but the feelings of abandonment never went away, and he had never taken her behavior so personally before.
"I just feel like there is this void, Dad," he said after a long pause. "It's like that small part of my heart that can never be fixed. It's been battered and bruised beyond repair and I'm just tired of it. Is that wrong? Should I just forgive her, and forget everything? Can I put my heart through that again?"
"I'm not going to tell you that you should forgive her, nor am I going to play bad guy and tell you not to. You have to do what's right for you, Luke. And if you feel that she's hurt you too much then that's how you feel. But it's your choice, son. And no matter what you decide, I will respect it."
'I'm just tired of broken promises," Luke confessed. "I'm tired of asking why and getting excuses instead of answers. I…I can't do it anymore dad, I just can't."
"Then I think you have your answer. And you know I'm not the one who needs to hear it. But, while I'm here I will apologize for my part in all those years of break ups and make ups. I'm sorry that it came to this, and…"
"No, Dad," Luke said cutting him off. "I don't need you to apologize, but I do thank you for putting up with me. Even when I'm angry. And thank you for being there when I need you, each and every time. Even when we're at odds and you don't understand me, or I don't understand you, I know I can always count on you and for that, I love you. I love you dad."
Holden wrapped his arms around his son and held him tight. "I love you too kiddo, always."
Aaron visited soon after Holden left. Luke was glad to see him, and listened to him talk a bit about how things were going with Alison. He apologized to his big brother for not being very receptive. He was growing weary from all the visitors and he just wanted Noah to come back so he could relax. When his Grandma Emma brought his sisters and little Ethan to see him he knew it wouldn't happen any time soon.
The girls were happy to see him, and Natalie asked where Noah was. They were very talkative, telling him all about what they were doing in school and how much they missed him. It made Luke sad, because it almost seemed as if he had been out for months instead of weeks. Then he mused that two weeks could seem like a month to a kid. He smiled and nodded and tried to stay alert for everyone since it was his family, but he truly just wanted to be alone. He prayed that his mother wouldn't decide to come; he knew he couldn't deal with her right then.
"Okay guys, visiting time is over."
"Noah," Faith and Natalie said in unison as they ran to the tall brunet who stood in the doorway. Luke smiled with relief as he watched his husband hug both girls and tousle their hair. Perhaps Noah didn't completely recall his relationship with the girls, but it didn't show; nor did it matter to them. They still loved him just the same.
"IT's good to see you girls too. I know you want to visit with Luke some more, but it's time for Luke to get some rest, okay?" There was a chorus of awwww and nooos but, Noah just laughed them off and ushered them out. Grandma Emma kissed him on the cheek before following Noah out the door. Once they were gone Luke collapsed, his head hitting the pillow, his eyes closed momentarily. Finally he had a moment of peace.
"No more visitors please," he moaned as he heard footsteps in the room.
"I hope that doesn't include me." He heard as he felt a weight on the bed.
Luke smiled, his eyes still closed as he turned toward the voice. "No, you I'd allow anytime. Thank you for getting rid of them."
"Can you open your eyes for a minute? I missed them."
Luke opened his eyes and held out his arms for Noah to join him. Noah stretched himself out in Luke's hospital bed and pulled his husband into his arms as much as he could. His fingers immediately found solace in Luke's hair and he kissed Luke's forehead as he spoke.
"Thank you."
"For what," Luke said sleepily.
"For opening your eyes for me."
"My pleasure." A moment passed before Luke spoke again. "Tell me how you've been."
"Are you sure? You know once I start talking, I can't stop."
Luke chuckled. "I like hearing you talk, Noah."
"Okay," Noah said his fingers still running through the silky blond strands. "I'm alright. I have recovered for the most part from the surgery, and between James, Maddie, your dad, and both your grandmas I have managed to be pretty healthy while you've been in here."
"I'll have to thank them for me."
Noah smiled, knowing it wouldn't be too long before his husband was fast asleep. "I don't know how you do it Luke, but it's not an easy job…looking out for everybody. I did the best I could, because I knew you would have wanted me to. James took over when I had the surgery, he was more than happy to do so."
"James is cool…Maddie misses him."
"He misses her too." Noah's fingers slowly massaged Luke's scalp as he spoke softly about their friends. "He's scared of being hurt again. it's like when you're first learning how to swim and you do…then you drown, so you have to psych yourself up to get back in the water again. That's where James Is right now and I think eventually he will take Maddie back. He was very caring with her these past weeks and…"
The sound of heavy breathing stopped his flow of words and he looked down. Luke was lying against him, and his chest was rising and falling with every even breath. Noah smiled and planted a gentle kiss on Luke's forehead. He held him as close as he could and rested his head on top of his. It didn't take long for Luke's breathing to lull him to sleep.
It would be the first time since the trial started that either of them had gotten a full night's sleep.
The next week flew by in a flurry of blood tests, checkups and visits from various family members and friends. Before Luke could catch his breath it was time for him to be released. James and Noah were with him most of the time. And he got to have serious discussions with his dad and with Maddie too. It was nice to be surrounded by all the people he cared about. He was focused on getting better and going home. And he never had to worry about his mother; Noah had explained how he had asked her to stay away until he was better. It reminded Luke of his own wishes back when Noah was in a coma. He was very grateful that Noah was there to look out for him.
He was more than ready to leave the hospital when the time came. He tried to be patient as Noah helped him into the wheelchair, and folded his hands in his lap so his husband could wheel him out of there. He didn't relax until he was sitting in the back seat of James' car with Noah right beside him. They drove home in relative silence. Luke rested his head on Noah's shoulder and watched Olde Town go by. The music was playing softly in the front seat, and he could have sworn he heard Noah singing along with James Taylor. He allowed Noah's voice to lull him to sleep and he was rather surprised when he opened his eyes and they were parked outside the apartment complex.
"You have a nice singing voice," He praised as Noah helped him out of the car. His husband's cheeks reddened slightly, and Luke kissed him softly and whispered in his ear. "I want you to sing for me again okay."
"Yeah," Noah said ducking his head and focusing on getting Luke into the house. James unlocked the door and Luke, who decided he wanted to walk, held onto Noah as they entered their home. Luke settled himself down on the couch and rested his head back against the pillow.
"It's good to be home," he sighed contentedly. "Hospitals drive me crazy."
"Then you need to stop ending up in them," James teased.
"I have to stop being a patient you mean," Luke laughed. "I wasn't planning on it, I swear."
"We know Luke," Noah said, but his flow of words was interrupted by his cell phone. "Hello?" he asked. "Now…but…" he sighed. "Okay, I'm coming. I'll meet you in the Town square. Bye." He turned his attention to James, and it wasn't lost on him that Luke was looking at him too. "I have to run out, can you stay here with Luke until I get back?"
"No problem," James said squeezing his shoulder.
"But, Noah," Luke protested. Noah came over and cupped his face in his hands.
"I'll be back," he said giving him a soft kiss on the lips. "This is important and I will explain when I get back."
"Okay," Luke said resigned to the fact that Noah was leaving. "Can you at least just walk?"
Noah started and turned to Luke, realizing exactly what Luke was afraid of. "Don't worry, I was planning on walking. See you soon. I love you."