Flame

***

"The tests results all show that the brain is quite functional, there's no major long term damage there," the Healers said, waving at colourful, meaningless scans. "Did you not ever get a sense of him?"

I sighed. I had been so preoccupied my other things… his memories, his body, Ayasha…

"Maybe, maybe when I saw Ayasha hitting my body, there was something…"

"We know he's not conscious. You won't find him in the conscious mind. You need to go into the subconscious."

"I don't understand what that means. I don't know how to do that."

"It's very difficult to do when you're conscious. It might be easiest when you're asleep."

"You mean, when I'm dreaming?"

"Your dreams are a visualization of your subconscious thought. It might make it easier for you to grasp the concept if your work through your dreams."

I felt like a 3 year old. Why couldn't I get this?

"It's his last chance, Hungry Flame. If you can't find him there…"

"Alright, I'll go back."

***

We had decided it would be best if Ayasha was kept asleep while I tried one last time to find Alex. I smoothed her curls as she lay limp in Bhask's arms.

"You'll look after her for me," I said softly.

"You'll do it yourself in half a second," Bhask said gruffly.

"Will you stay with me? Hold my hand? Well, hold Alex's hand?"

"I'm not going anywhere."

My wonderful boy.

I nodded to the Healers and tried to relax as I drifted into unconsciousness.

This time, I was prepared for the memories, and could wall myself away from them until I surfaced into consciousness in a dark hospital room. Bhask was curled around Ayasha on the bed opposite, his arm stretching across the space between us, still holding Alex's hand. My hand. His eyes watched me silently. I squeezed his hand gently and tried to go to sleep.

But it's so hard to go to sleep when you're trying to. And my mind was filled with restless thoughts. The last thing he had known, Alex was drowning in a remote lake in the distant north, trapped under the ice. He could not have believed he would survive. He was unconscious when they found him, he'd had nothing to tell him he had been saved.

If you believed you were dead, did you die? Your body might not die, but your mind…

I was beginning to think I'd never get to sleep, but the next thing I knew, I was dreaming.

I knew I was dreaming, because I saw my own body swimming in a vast body of water, relaxed, purposeful. So it wasn't my dream either. My dreams about water were not like this at all. I watched fascinated as this woman carved through the surface, her body undulating as naturally as the water itself, her movements smooth and powerful. This had been me, once. It felt a long time ago. A different world.

But if this was Alex's dream; where was Alex? There was no sense of him here. I looked at the glittering water with rising dread. I knew where he would think he would be. Under the water. Where he thought he'd never left.

This is a dream, this a dream, I reminded myself, trying to control my fear, but the dream began to dissolve the more I concentrated. I let go, afraid I would lose the dream completely, and with it, any chance of finding Alex. This was Alex's dream, so he must be here… I just needed to let myself relax, let go, let the inputs from Alex's mind guide me. But I didn't want to let go; I was afraid of his memories, and afraid of losing that barrier between myself and him, of losing who I was. An old fear. At the same time, I knew it didn't matter that I was afraid. I had to do it anyway.

I felt myself sinking into the water, the cold blue darkness rising about my chest, my neck, my head. I fought back my own memories and let myself sink deeper and deeper. But the deeper I sank the sharper my panic grew, til I hovered, torn between the desire to rocket to the surface as fast as possible, and the knowledge that the deeper I went, the closer I became to Alex. My eye strained to find the bottom, to find an end. And there, so deep it was just a deeper shade of darkness, a blurry form had taken shape.

Alex.

My hearted ached to be with him and I let myself sink deeper into the darkness.